1 ======================================================================= 2 || || 3 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 4 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 5 || || 6 ======================================================================= 7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 8 "Fortune Cookie" 9 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 15 Read the Warner paperback! 16 Invoke the Unix program! 17 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 19 centers. 20 % 21 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 23 Dear Sir: 24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 25 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 26 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 27 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 28 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 29 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 30 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 31 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 32 us. 33 Sympathetically, 34 Amanda L. Smith 35 36 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 38 % 39 _-^--^=-_ 40 _.-^^ -~_ 41 _-- --_ 42 < >) 43 | | 44 \._ _./ 45 ```--. . , ; .--''' 46 | | | 47 .-=|| | |=-. 48 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 49 | ; :| 50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 51 % 52 FROM THE DESK OF 53 Dorothy Gale 54 55 Auntie Em: 56 Hate you. 57 Hate Kansas. 58 Taking the dog. 59 Dorothy 60 % 61 FROM THE DESK OF 62 Rapunzel 63 64 Dear Prince: 65 66 Use ladder tonight -- 67 you're splitting my ends. 68 % 69 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 70 71 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 72 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 73 74 ABSTRACT 75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 76 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 77 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 78 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 79 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 80 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 81 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 82 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 83 functions. 84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 85 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 87 % 88 UNIX Trix 89 90 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 91 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 92 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 93 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 94 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 95 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 96 either. If you need some help, give us a call. 97 98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 99 % 100 ___====-_ _-====___ 101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 103 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 108 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 113 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 116 % 117 DELETE A FORTUNE! 118 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! 119 Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? 120 You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, 121 and we'll make sure it gets expunged. 122 % 123 It's grad exam time... 124 COMPUTER SCIENCE 125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 126 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 127 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 128 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 129 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 130 131 MATHEMATICS 132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 133 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 134 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 135 136 GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137 Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 138 % 139 It's grad exam time... 140 MEDICINE 141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 142 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 143 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 144 145 HISTORY 146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 147 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 148 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 149 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 150 151 BIOLOGY 152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 153 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 154 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 155 % 156 Pittsburgh driver's test 157 10: Potholes are 158 a) extremely dangerous. 159 b) patriotic. 160 c) the fault of the previous administration. 161 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 162 The correct answer is b. 163 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 164 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 165 you have nothing to worry about. 166 % 167 Pittsburgh driver's test 168 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 169 a) stop immediately. 170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 171 c) blow the horn. 172 d) floor it. 173 The correct answer is d. 174 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 175 % 176 Pittsburgh driver's test 177 3: When stopped at an intersection you should 178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 180 c) blow the horn. 181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 182 The correct answer is d. 183 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 184 street turns yellow. 185 Answer c is worth a half point. 186 % 187 Pittsburgh driver's test 188 4: Exhaust gas is 189 a) beneficial. 190 b) not harmful. 191 c) toxic. 192 d) a punk band. 193 The correct answer is b. 194 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 195 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 196 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 197 % 198 Pittsburgh driver's test 199 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 200 How often should you test it? 201 a) once a year. 202 b) once a month. 203 c) once a day. 204 d) once an hour. 205 The correct answer is d. 206 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 207 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 208 % 209 Pittsburgh driver's test 210 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 211 but a steady left tail light. 212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 216 d) The driver is from out of town. 217 The correct answer is d. 218 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 219 % 220 Pittsburgh driver's test 221 8: Pedestrians are 222 a) irrelevant. 223 b) communists. 224 c) a nuisance. 225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 226 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 227 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 228 completely. 229 % 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 231 9: Roads are salted in order to 232 a) kill grass. 233 b) melt snow. 234 c) help the economy. 235 d) prevent potholes. 236 The correct answer is c. 237 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 238 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 239 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 240 steel industries. 241 % 242 243 ( /\__________/\ ) 244 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 245 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 246 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 247 -( """""""""" ) 248 \ _____ / 249 ( /( )\ ) 250 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 251 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 252 253 % 254 ___====-_ _-====___ 255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 257 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 262 -###################\\/ \//###################- 263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 267 % 268 Has your family tried 'em? 269 270 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 271 272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 273 274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 276 277 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 278 279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 281 stains that indicate freshness. 282 % 283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 284 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 285 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 286 3) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 287 4) Who cares? 288 5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, 289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 290 6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 291 7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my 292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom 293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). 294 % 295 Hard Copies and Chmod 296 297 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 298 cold diskdrives hardware monitors 299 user-hostile software 300 301 of course they're only bits and bytes 302 and characters and strings 303 and files 304 305 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 306 telling me he loves me and 307 he'll take care of me 308 309 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 310 deep intimate secrets and 311 how he doesn't trust me 312 313 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 314 on personal stationery 315 -- terri (a] csd4.milw.wisc.edu 316 % 317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 318 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 319 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 320 will be given to candidates who self-actualise. 321 322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 323 neither has street credibility. 324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 325 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 326 city. 327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 328 into a black hole. 329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 330 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 333 up of western dualism? 334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 335 % 336 OUTCONERR 337 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 339 All kludgy were the function flows 340 And subroutines adhoc. 341 342 Beware the runtime-bug my friend 343 squrooneg, the false goto 344 Beware the infiniteloop 345 And shun the inprectoo. 346 % 347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 348 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 349 nuclear bomb; use the stairs. 350 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 351 when you hit the ground. 352 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 353 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 354 to psychological problems. 355 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 358 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs 359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 360 7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles. 361 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be 362 staggering illegally. 363 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are 364 more sanitary due to limited circulation. 365 10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short 366 supply on D-Day. 367 % 368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 369 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 370 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 371 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 372 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 373 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 374 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 375 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 376 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 377 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 378 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 379 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 380 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 381 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 382 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 383 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 384 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 385 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 387 % 388 The Split-Atom Blues 389 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... 391 But if you split those atoms fine, 392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 393 Gimme zits, take my dough, 394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 395 Call the devil and sell my soul, 396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 397 -- Milo Bloom 398 % 399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 400 401 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution 402 of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. 403 Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of 404 you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal 405 cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase 406 to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between 407 midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 408 `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you 409 forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss 410 out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or 411 more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly 412 program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune 413 Hunter" coffee mug! 414 % 415 What I Did During My Fall Semester 416 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 417 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 418 Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 419 420 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 421 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 422 Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 423 424 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 425 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 426 I found a thesis topic: 427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 428 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 429 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 430 % 431 1/3 432 /\(3) 433 | 2 1/3 434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 435 | 436 \/ 1 437 438 The integral of z squared, dz 439 From 1 to the cube root of 3 440 Times the cosine 441 Of 3 PI over nine 442 Is the log of the cube root of e 443 % 444 THE DAILY PLANET 445 446 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 447 Plans to "Eat it later" 448 % 449 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 450 451 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 452 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 453 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 454 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 455 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 456 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 457 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 458 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 459 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 460 you should blame when you make a mistake. 461 462 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 463 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 464 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 465 466 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 467 % 468 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 469 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 470 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 471 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 472 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 473 474 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 475 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 476 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 477 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 478 479 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 480 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 481 try this simple test: 482 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 483 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 484 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 485 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 486 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 487 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 488 % 489 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 490 491 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 492 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 493 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 494 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 495 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 496 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 497 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 498 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 499 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 500 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 501 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 502 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 503 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 504 yourself in the morning. 505 % 506 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 507 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 508 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 509 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 510 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 511 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 512 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 513 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 514 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 515 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 516 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 517 Liza Minnelli. 518 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 519 % 520 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 521 % 522 ___ 523 12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2 524 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 525 7 526 527 A dozen, a gross and a score, 528 Plus three times the square root of four, 529 Divided by seven, 530 Plus five times eleven, 531 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 532 % 533 7,140 pounds on the Sun 534 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 535 255 pounds on Earth 536 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 537 43 pounds on the Moon 538 648 pounds on Jupiter 539 275 pounds on Saturn 540 303 pounds on Neptune 541 13 pounds on Pluto 542 543 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 544 in the solar system. 545 % 546 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 547 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 548 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 549 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 550 and forth. 551 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 552 of carp-to-carp walleting." 553 % 554 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 555 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 556 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 557 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 558 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 559 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 560 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 561 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 562 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 563 "Have you seen my parakeet?" 564 % 565 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 566 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 567 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 568 have what I think is a pretty good act." 569 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 570 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 571 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 572 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 573 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 574 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 575 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 576 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 577 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 578 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 579 imitations?" 580 % 581 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 582 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 583 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 584 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 585 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 586 % 587 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 588 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 589 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 590 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 591 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 592 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 593 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 594 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 595 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 596 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 597 % 598 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 599 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 600 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 601 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 602 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 603 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 604 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 605 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 606 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 607 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 608 in the mud. 609 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 610 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 611 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 612 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 613 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 614 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 615 % 616 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 617 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 618 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 619 sadly, "runneth over." 620 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 621 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 622 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 623 % 624 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 625 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 626 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 627 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 628 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 629 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 630 % 631 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 632 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 633 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 634 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 635 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 636 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 637 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 638 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 639 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 640 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 641 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 642 only blurt out, "What happened?" 643 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 644 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 645 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 646 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 647 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 648 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 649 % 650 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 651 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 652 brother and inquires after his pet. 653 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 654 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 655 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 656 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 657 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 658 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 659 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 660 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 661 How's Mom?" 662 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 663 outside one day..." 664 % 665 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 666 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 667 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 668 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 669 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 670 dog's stuck in its throat." 671 % 672 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 673 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 674 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 675 long-distance caw. 676 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 677 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 678 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 679 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 680 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 681 % 682 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 683 The housewife replied, "Four!". 684 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 685 through my spread sheet one more time." 686 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 687 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 688 % 689 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 690 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 691 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 692 lawyer. 693 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 694 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 695 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 696 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 697 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 698 and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 699 % 700 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 701 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 702 The bartender ignores him. 703 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 704 Still ignored. 705 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 706 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 707 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 708 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 709 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 710 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 711 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 712 % 713 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 714 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 715 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 716 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 717 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 718 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 719 German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 720 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 721 told, "that one is 150,000." 722 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 723 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 724 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 725 -- being told in Poland, 1987 726 % 727 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 728 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 729 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 730 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 731 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 732 disciples." 733 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 734 % 735 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 736 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 737 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 738 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 739 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 740 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 741 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 742 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 743 knife! 744 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 745 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 746 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 747 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 748 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 749 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 750 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 751 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 752 % 753 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 754 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 755 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 756 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 757 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 758 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 759 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 760 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 761 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 762 % 763 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 764 "Do you serve lawyers here?". 765 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 766 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 767 my 'gator." 768 % 769 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 770 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 771 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 772 was making a bolt for the door. 773 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 774 house of seven gobbles. 775 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 776 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 777 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 778 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 779 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 780 % 781 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 782 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 783 promptly replied. 784 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 785 how long will it take?" 786 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 787 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 788 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 789 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 790 The programmer agreed to this. 791 Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his 792 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 793 He had been programming all night. 794 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 795 % 796 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 797 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 798 manager retained his job. 799 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 800 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 801 concept, and thus I expect no reward." 802 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 803 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 804 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 805 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 806 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 807 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 808 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 809 % 810 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 811 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 812 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 813 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 814 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 815 take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 816 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 817 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 818 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 819 completed," he said. 820 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 821 % 822 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 823 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 824 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 825 resigned on the spot. 826 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 827 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 828 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 829 hours of the morning. 830 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 831 % 832 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 833 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 834 he said, "may I examine it?" 835 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 836 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 837 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 838 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 839 human." 840 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 841 mysterious setting?" 842 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 843 And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 844 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 845 % 846 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 847 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 848 said the master. 849 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 850 "It is," came the reply. 851 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 852 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 853 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 854 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson 855 is over for today," he said. 856 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 857 % 858 A MODERN FABLE 859 860 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 861 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 862 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 863 today's minute attention span. 864 865 The Troubled Aardvark 866 867 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 868 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 869 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 870 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 871 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 872 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 873 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 874 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 875 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 876 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 877 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 878 879 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 880 -- Tom Annau 881 % 882 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 883 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 884 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 885 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 886 "If what?" asked the composer. 887 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 888 % 889 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 890 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 891 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 892 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 893 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 894 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 895 power-down sequence. 896 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 897 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 898 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 899 cool. 900 % 901 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 902 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 903 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 904 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 905 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 906 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 907 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 908 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 909 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 910 entered the mystery of the Tao." 911 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 912 % 913 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 914 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 915 baffled. What is the reason for this?" 916 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 917 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 918 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 919 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 920 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 921 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 922 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 923 novice. 924 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 925 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 926 % 927 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 928 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 929 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 930 Why is this so?" 931 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 932 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 933 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 934 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 935 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 936 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 937 % 938 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 939 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 940 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 941 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 942 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 943 unnatural entity exist?" 944 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 945 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 946 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 947 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 948 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 949 % 950 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 951 package. 952 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 953 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 954 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 955 but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 956 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 957 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 958 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 959 % 960 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 961 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 962 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 963 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 964 machine worked. 965 % 966 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 967 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 968 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 969 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 970 party. He walked out into the night. 971 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 972 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 973 too. 974 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 975 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 976 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 977 the wolf pack. 978 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 979 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 980 has killed them all. 981 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 982 went out to be killed? 983 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 984 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 985 % 986 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 987 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 988 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 989 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 990 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 991 % 992 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 993 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 994 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 995 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 996 rigidity. 997 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this 998 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 999 way that astonishes him least. 1000 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1001 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1002 appearances. 1003 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1004 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1005 program. 1006 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1007 % 1008 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1009 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1010 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1011 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1012 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1013 made rude noises during my presentation." 1014 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1015 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1016 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1017 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1018 with social conventions?" 1019 "They are alive within the Tao." 1020 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1021 % 1022 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1023 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1024 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1025 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1026 which contained twelve more loons. 1027 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1028 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1029 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1030 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1031 % 1032 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1033 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1034 his wellness potential." 1035 1036 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1037 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1038 1039 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1040 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1041 1042 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1043 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1044 1045 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1046 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1047 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1048 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1049 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1050 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1051 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1052 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1053 sent him. 1054 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1055 % 1056 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1057 "This is a parson to parson call." 1058 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1059 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1060 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1061 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1062 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1063 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1064 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1065 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1066 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1067 granite. 1068 % 1069 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1070 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1071 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1072 under the kilt?" 1073 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1074 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1075 really want to know. 1076 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1077 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1078 % 1079 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1080 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1081 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1082 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1083 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1084 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1085 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1086 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1087 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1088 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1089 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1090 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1091 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1092 going to it is so large. 1093 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1094 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1095 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1096 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1097 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1098 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1099 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1100 % 1101 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1102 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1103 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1104 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1105 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1106 and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1107 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1108 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1109 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1110 % 1111 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1112 to die, would you remarry?" 1113 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1114 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1115 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1116 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1117 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1118 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1119 I've always loved it here." 1120 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1121 "No." 1122 "Why not?" 1123 "She's left handed." 1124 % 1125 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1126 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1127 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1128 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1129 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1130 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1131 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1132 a snake?" 1133 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1134 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1135 suck the poison from the wound." 1136 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1137 a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1138 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1139 who my real friends are." 1140 % 1141 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1142 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1143 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1144 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1145 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1146 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1147 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1148 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1149 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1150 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1151 % 1152 ACHTUNG!!! 1153 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1154 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1155 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1156 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1157 vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1158 % 1159 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1160 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1161 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1162 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1163 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1164 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1165 -- DECWARS 1166 % 1167 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1168 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1169 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1170 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1171 camp chores. 1172 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1173 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1174 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1175 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1176 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1177 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1178 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1179 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1180 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1181 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1182 cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1183 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1184 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1185 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1186 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1187 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1188 Feghoot!" 1189 % 1190 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1191 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1192 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1193 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1194 name for my baby." 1195 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1196 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1197 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1198 name." 1199 % 1200 All that you touch, And all you create, 1201 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1202 All that you taste, All that you do, 1203 All you feel, And all you say, 1204 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1205 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1206 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1207 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1208 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1209 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1210 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1211 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1212 in tune, 1213 But the sun is eclipsed 1214 By the moon. 1215 1216 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1217 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1218 % 1219 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1220 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1221 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1222 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1223 wife. They approve. 1224 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1225 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1226 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1227 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1228 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1229 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1230 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1231 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1232 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1233 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1234 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1235 screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1236 % 1237 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1238 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully 1239 and with great restraint. 1240 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1241 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1242 to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1243 and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1244 that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1245 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1246 When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1247 confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1248 and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1249 are particular and not generalizable. 1250 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1251 all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1252 one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." 1253 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1254 % 1255 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1256 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1257 restraint. 1258 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1259 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1260 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1261 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1262 is ready to build a second system. 1263 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1264 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1265 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1266 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1267 generalizable. 1268 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1269 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1270 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1271 % 1272 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1273 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1274 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1275 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1276 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1277 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1278 voluptuous woman. 1279 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1280 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1281 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1282 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1283 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1284 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1285 handsome prince!" 1286 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1287 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1288 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1289 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1290 fixed?" 1291 % 1292 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1293 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1294 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1295 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1296 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1297 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1298 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1299 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1300 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1301 this head and pulls the trigger. 1302 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1303 again?" 1304 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1305 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1306 % 1307 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1308 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1309 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1310 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1311 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1312 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1313 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1314 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1315 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1316 while plunging the knife into his heart. 1317 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1318 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1319 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1320 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1321 % 1322 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1323 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1324 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1325 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1326 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1327 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1328 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1329 % 1330 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1331 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1332 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1333 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1334 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1335 (skip a bit brother...) 1336 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1337 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1338 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1339 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1340 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1341 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1342 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1343 snuff it. 1344 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1345 % 1346 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1347 asked the father of his little son. 1348 "Diet." 1349 % 1350 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1351 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1352 posh hotel. 1353 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1354 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1355 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1356 a postcard?" 1357 % 1358 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1359 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1360 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1361 "That was the curious incident." 1362 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1363 % 1364 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1365 preaching to a group of disciples. 1366 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1367 the absolute reality of --" 1368 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1369 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1370 vaporized. 1371 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1372 with the spirit of the morning. 1373 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1374 "Thou art That..." 1375 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1376 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1377 and he vaporized. 1378 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1379 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1380 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1381 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1382 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1383 Governor, and he vaporized. 1384 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1385 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1386 % 1387 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1388 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1389 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1390 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1391 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1392 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1393 for doing it." 1394 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1395 % 1396 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1397 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1398 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1399 % 1400 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1401 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of 1402 his followers. 1403 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1404 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1405 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1406 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1407 Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1408 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1409 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1410 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1411 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1412 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1413 % 1414 better !pout !cry 1415 better watchout 1416 lpr why 1417 santa claus < north pole > town 1418 1419 cat /etc/passwd > list 1420 ncheck list 1421 ncheck list 1422 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 1423 cat list | grep nice > giftlist 1424 santa claus < north pole > town 1425 1426 who | grep sleeping 1427 who | grep awake 1428 who | grep bad || good 1429 for (goodness sake) { 1430 be good 1431 } 1432 % 1433 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1434 Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor 1435 any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1436 Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1437 center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1438 usually know what's wrong." 1439 % 1440 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1441 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1442 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1443 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1444 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1445 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1446 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1447 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1448 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1449 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1450 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1451 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1452 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1453 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1454 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1455 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1456 % 1457 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1458 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1459 still five feet between rails. 1460 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1461 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1462 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1463 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1464 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1465 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1466 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1467 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1468 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1469 was possible. 1470 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1471 % 1472 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1473 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1474 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1475 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1476 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1477 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1478 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1479 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1480 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1481 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1482 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1483 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1484 it some other time, Carrie." 1485 She gave it up. 1486 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1487 % 1488 Chapter VIII 1489 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1490 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1491 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1492 % 1493 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted 1494 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1495 owls." 1496 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1497 % 1498 COONDOG MEMORY 1499 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1500 1501 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1502 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1503 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1504 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1505 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1506 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1507 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1508 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1509 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1510 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1511 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1512 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1513 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1514 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1515 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1516 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1517 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1518 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1519 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1520 is for sale. 1521 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1522 % 1523 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1524 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1525 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1526 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1527 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1528 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1529 date of purchase. 1530 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1531 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1532 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1533 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1534 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1535 % 1536 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1537 1538 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1539 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1540 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1541 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1542 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1543 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1544 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1545 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1546 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1547 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1548 % 1549 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1550 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1551 % 1552 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1553 married?" 1554 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1555 I've always been especially fond of married women." 1556 % 1557 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1558 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1559 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1560 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1561 1562 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1563 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1564 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1565 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1566 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1567 % 1568 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1569 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1570 1571 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1572 1573 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? 1574 Or is Vaseline better? 1575 % 1576 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1577 sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1578 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1579 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1580 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1581 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1582 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1583 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1584 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1585 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1586 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1587 % 1588 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1589 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1590 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1591 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1592 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1593 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1594 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1595 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1596 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1597 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1598 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1599 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1600 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1601 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1602 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1603 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1604 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1605 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1606 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1607 % 1608 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1609 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1610 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1611 She's a women who conks to stupor. 1612 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1613 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1614 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1615 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1616 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1617 % 1618 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1619 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1620 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1621 hit my wife." 1622 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1623 at mine, over there." 1624 % 1625 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1626 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1627 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1628 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1629 charming a wife." 1630 % 1631 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1632 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1633 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1634 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1635 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1636 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 1637 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1638 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1639 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1640 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1641 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1642 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1643 than I am. 1644 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1645 that she didn't recognize me. 1646 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1647 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1648 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1649 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1650 % 1651 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1652 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1653 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1654 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1655 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1656 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1657 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1658 % 1659 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the 1660 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1661 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1662 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1663 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1664 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1665 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1666 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1667 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1668 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1669 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1670 energy policy and neither do you." 1671 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1672 % 1673 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1674 "of course you know what 'it' means." 1675 1676 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1677 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1678 1679 The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1680 % 1681 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 1682 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 1683 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 1684 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 1685 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 1686 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 1687 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 1688 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 1689 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 1690 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 1691 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 1692 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 1693 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 1694 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 1695 thoughts?" 1696 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 1697 % 1698 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1699 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1700 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1701 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1702 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1703 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1704 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1705 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1706 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1707 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 1708 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 1709 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1710 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1711 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1712 % 1713 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 1714 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 1715 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 1716 and sarcastic?" 1717 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 1718 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 1719 % 1720 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1721 extracurricular activity except you." 1722 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1723 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1724 % 1725 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 1726 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 1727 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 1728 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 1729 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 1730 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 1731 % 1732 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 1733 differences once and for all. 1734 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 1735 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 1736 % 1737 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1738 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1739 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1740 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1741 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1742 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1743 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1744 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1745 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1746 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1747 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1748 1749 Thank you and good luck. 1750 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1751 % 1752 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1753 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1754 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1755 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1756 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1757 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1758 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1759 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1760 hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1761 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1762 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1763 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1764 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1765 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1766 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1767 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1768 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1769 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1770 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1771 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1772 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1773 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1774 to stay employed. 1775 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1776 % 1777 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1778 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1779 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1780 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1781 had actually implicationed. 1782 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1783 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1784 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1785 -- The Guardian 1786 % 1787 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1788 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1789 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1790 to conquer the world. 1791 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1792 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1793 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1794 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, 1795 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1796 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1797 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1798 % 1799 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 1800 from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 1801 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 1802 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 1803 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 1804 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 1805 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 1806 right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on 1807 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 1808 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1809 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1810 % 1811 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1812 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1813 been worse." 1814 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1815 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1816 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1817 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1818 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1819 the gun on himself!" 1820 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1821 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly 1822 have been worse?" 1823 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1824 dead right now." 1825 % 1826 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1827 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1828 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1829 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1830 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1831 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1832 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1833 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1834 right now." 1835 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1836 out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1837 % 1838 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1839 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1840 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1841 self-propagating. 1842 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1843 % 1844 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1845 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1846 "Do it alone?" 1847 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1848 "How would that help?" 1849 "Used a whip." 1850 % 1851 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1852 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1853 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1854 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1855 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1856 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1857 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1858 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1859 on the safe side." 1860 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1861 to a dead cat, do you?" 1862 -- Monty Python 1863 % 1864 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. 1865 According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing 1866 severe marketing anxiety in China. 1867 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending 1868 on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 1869 Bite the wax tadpole. 1870 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 1871 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard 1872 to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 1873 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 1874 satiric vistas do not open up. 1875 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle 1876 % 1877 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1878 with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1879 Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1880 define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1881 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1882 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1883 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1884 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1885 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1886 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1887 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1888 it because the court was going to take a nap. 1889 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1890 % 1891 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 1892 of her blonde companion. 1893 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 1894 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 1895 "Olives." 1896 % 1897 "How many people work here?" 1898 "Oh, about half." 1899 % 1900 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 1901 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 1902 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 1903 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 1904 % 1905 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 1906 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 1907 full of money before." 1908 % 1909 "How'd you get that flat?" 1910 "Ran over a bottle." 1911 "Didn't you see it?" 1912 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1913 % 1914 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1915 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1916 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1917 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1918 % 1919 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 1920 quavering voice. 1921 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 1922 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 1923 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 1924 Elven-lore: 1925 1926 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 1927 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 1928 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 1929 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 1930 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 1931 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 1932 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 1933 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 1934 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1935 % 1936 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 1937 the sky blue?" 1938 HE asked me about black holes in space. 1939 (There's a hole *where*?) 1940 1941 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 1942 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 1943 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 1944 1945 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 1946 HE talked internal combustion engines. 1947 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 1948 1949 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 1950 as equals. 1951 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 1952 the graphics. 1953 1954 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 1955 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 1956 (Gotcha!) 1957 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 1958 % 1959 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 1960 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 1961 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 1962 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 1963 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 1964 each other up: 1965 You: Hello? Bob? 1966 Bob: Yes? 1967 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 1968 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 1969 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 1970 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 1971 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 1972 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 1973 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 1974 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 1975 have to get back to you. 1976 Bob: Fine. 1977 -- Dave Barry 1978 % 1979 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. 1980 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 1981 till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" 1982 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice 1983 objected. 1984 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 1985 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." 1986 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 1987 so many different things." 1988 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- 1989 that's all." 1990 % 1991 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 1992 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 1993 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 1994 can't be measured in monetary terms. 1995 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 1996 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 1997 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 1998 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 1999 understand his long delay. 2000 % 2001 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2002 I think very probably he might be cured." 2003 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2004 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2005 The elders murmured assent. 2006 "Now, what affects it?" 2007 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2008 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2009 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2010 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2011 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2012 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2013 irritation and distraction." 2014 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2015 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2016 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2017 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2018 "And then he will be sane?" 2019 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2020 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2021 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2022 % 2023 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2024 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2025 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2026 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2027 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2028 at present". 2029 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2030 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2031 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2032 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2033 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2034 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2035 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2036 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2037 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2038 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2039 happened to be in the right. 2040 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2041 % 2042 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2043 me to cry. 2044 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2045 to weep." 2046 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2047 back; I would be nice." 2048 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2049 "Oh, not enough." 2050 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2051 "Not ever?" 2052 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2053 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2054 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2055 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2056 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2057 % 2058 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2059 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2060 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2061 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2062 arrests. 2063 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2064 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2065 these complaints represent?" 2066 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2067 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2068 closing the book. 2069 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2070 % 2071 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2072 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2073 as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2074 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2075 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2076 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2077 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2078 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2079 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2080 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2081 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2082 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2083 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2084 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2085 % 2086 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2087 "What'll you have, Bud"? 2088 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2089 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2090 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2091 % 2092 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. 2093 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2094 that is also a psychological interaction. 2095 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2096 so friendly. 2097 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2098 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2099 % 2100 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2101 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2102 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2103 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2104 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2105 to the assembler. 2106 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2107 languages. 2108 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2109 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2110 the tao. 2111 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2112 % 2113 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2114 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2115 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2116 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2117 -- Sparky Anderson 2118 % 2119 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2120 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2121 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2122 repeat the sequence. 2123 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2124 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2125 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2126 your own apartment? 2127 -- William S. Burroughs 2128 % 2129 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2130 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2131 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2132 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2133 them, or something?" 2134 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2135 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2136 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2137 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2138 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2139 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2140 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2141 would destroy the whole point of it." 2142 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2143 % 2144 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2145 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2146 I'm on my way." 2147 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2148 % 2149 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2150 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2151 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2152 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2153 was by the time I find it. 2154 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2155 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2156 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2157 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2158 blank." 2159 -- Alex Crain 2160 % 2161 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2162 Junior, what are you up to?" 2163 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2164 rabbit. 2165 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2166 will publish such rubbish!" 2167 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2168 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2169 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2170 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2171 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2172 wolves." 2173 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2174 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2175 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2176 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2177 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2178 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2179 remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2180 2181 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2182 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2183 % 2184 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2185 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2186 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2187 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2188 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2189 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2190 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2191 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2192 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2193 to product." 2194 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 2195 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2196 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2197 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2198 been an efficiency expert? 2199 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2200 % 2201 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2202 mud." 2203 And there was mud. 2204 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2205 can see what we have done." 2206 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2207 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2208 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2209 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2210 "Certainly," said man. 2211 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2212 And He went away. 2213 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu" 2214 % 2215 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2216 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2217 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2218 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2219 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2220 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2221 evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2222 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2223 % 2224 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2225 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2226 large numbers and prospered. 2227 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2228 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2229 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2230 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2231 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2232 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2233 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2234 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2235 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2236 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2237 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2238 -- The Story of Babel 2239 % 2240 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2241 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2242 2243 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2244 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2245 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2246 How could it be otherwise? 2247 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2248 % 2249 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2250 sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2251 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2252 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2253 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2254 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2255 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2256 you close your eyes?" 2257 "So that the room will be empty." 2258 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2259 % 2260 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2261 changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2262 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2263 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2264 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2265 the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2266 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2267 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2268 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2269 does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2270 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2271 % 2272 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2273 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2274 (chorus): 2275 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2276 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2277 You can ask them anything you want to. 2278 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2279 (chorus): 2280 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2281 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2282 (chorus): 2283 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2284 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2285 (chorus): 2286 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in 2287 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2288 (chorus): 2289 Fishy! 2290 (chorus): 2291 -- Fish Heads 2292 % 2293 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2294 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2295 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2296 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2297 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2298 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2299 right any day." 2300 "And are you?" 2301 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2302 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2303 life-style otherwise." 2304 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2305 % 2306 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2307 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2308 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2309 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2310 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2311 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2312 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2313 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2314 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2315 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2316 than a citizen bless their country?" 2317 % 2318 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2319 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2320 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2321 not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible 2322 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2323 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2324 in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2325 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2326 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2327 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2328 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2329 Amen. 2330 % 2331 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2332 working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2333 found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2334 he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2335 discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2336 new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2337 IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2338 me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2339 an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2340 question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2341 Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2342 % 2343 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2344 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2345 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2346 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2347 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2348 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2349 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2350 freedom and games to the network... 2351 -- DECWARS 2352 % 2353 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2354 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2355 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2356 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2357 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2358 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2359 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2360 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2361 % 2362 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2363 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2364 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2365 human beings. 2366 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2367 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2368 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2369 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2370 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2371 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2372 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2373 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2374 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2375 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2376 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2377 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2378 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2379 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2380 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2381 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2382 % 2383 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2384 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2385 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2386 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2387 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2388 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2389 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2390 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2391 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2392 passengers. 2393 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2394 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2395 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2396 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2397 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2398 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2399 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2400 % 2401 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2402 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2403 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2404 need to find out where we are." 2405 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2406 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2407 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2408 where we are?" 2409 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2410 fifty feet in the air!" 2411 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2412 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2413 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2414 useless!" 2415 2416 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2417 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2418 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2419 % 2420 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2421 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2422 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2423 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2424 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2425 really needed in the first place. 2426 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2427 analogous to the above. 2428 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2429 % 2430 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2431 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2432 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2433 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2434 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2435 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2436 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2437 icepacks. 2438 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon 2439 % 2440 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2441 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2442 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2443 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2444 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2445 it always me, teacher?" 2446 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2447 explains. 2448 2449 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2450 % 2451 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2452 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2453 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2454 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2455 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2456 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2457 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2458 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2459 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2460 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2461 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2462 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2463 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2464 the dining room skylight." 2465 % 2466 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2467 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2468 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2469 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2470 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2471 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2472 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2473 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2474 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2475 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2476 applications for. 2477 -- Dave Barry 2478 % 2479 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2480 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2481 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2482 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2483 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2484 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2485 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2486 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2487 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2488 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2489 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2490 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2491 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2492 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2493 now. They're in a band. 2494 -- Ira Kaplan 2495 % 2496 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2497 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2498 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2499 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2500 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2501 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2502 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2503 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2504 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2505 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2506 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2507 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2508 % 2509 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2510 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2511 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2512 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2513 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2514 to him. 2515 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2516 he met the traveling salesman. 2517 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2518 in high-level language. 2519 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2520 and Apples," commented Jack. 2521 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2522 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2523 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2524 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2525 started thrashing. 2526 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2527 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2528 window... 2529 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2530 % 2531 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2532 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2533 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2534 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2535 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2536 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2537 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2538 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2539 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2540 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2541 smacked his lips with relish. 2542 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2543 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2544 a-comin'." 2545 % 2546 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 2547 and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 2548 graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2549 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 2550 hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 2551 Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 2552 Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 2553 for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 2554 and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 2555 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 2556 traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 2557 little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 2558 nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 2559 hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 2560 die. So do we. 2561 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 2562 learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 2563 there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 2564 politics and sane living. 2565 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 2566 -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 2567 our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 2568 nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 2569 messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 2570 the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2571 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 2572 in kindergarten" 2573 % 2574 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 2575 do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 2576 of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2577 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 2578 Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 2579 own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 2580 hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 2581 cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 2582 some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 2583 some. 2584 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 2585 for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 2586 the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 2587 up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 2588 [...] 2589 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 2590 world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 2591 down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 2592 and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 2593 up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 2594 you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2595 -- Robert Flughum 2596 % 2597 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 2598 people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2599 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2600 -- Spike Milligan 2601 % 2602 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2603 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2604 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2605 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2606 All I have in the world is this gun." 2607 % 2608 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2609 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2610 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2611 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2612 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2613 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2614 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2615 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2616 % 2617 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 2618 Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 2619 without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 2620 an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 2621 prison. 2622 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 2623 in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 2624 them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 2625 hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 2626 to death. 2627 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 2628 be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 2629 any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 2630 Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 2631 Murray. 2632 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2633 spits in the sergeants face. 2634 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2635 -- Arthur Naiman 2636 % 2637 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 2638 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2639 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2640 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 2641 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 2642 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2643 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 2644 and Knights of Pithiests. 2645 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2646 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2647 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2648 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2649 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2650 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2651 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2652 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2653 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2654 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2655 So we're going back in a few years... 2656 -- Julius H. Marx 2657 % 2658 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2659 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2660 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2661 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2662 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2663 the alter of human limitations. 2664 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2665 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2666 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2667 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2668 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2669 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2670 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2671 earth really does revolve about the sun. 2672 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2673 % 2674 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 2675 a girl should not do before twenty." 2676 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 2677 audience, either." 2678 % 2679 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 2680 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 2681 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 2682 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 2683 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 2684 2685 -- Reverse the bits in a word. 2686 % 2687 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 2688 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 2689 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 2690 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. 2691 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 2692 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 2693 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 2694 in the others. 2695 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 2696 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 2697 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 2698 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 2699 therapy ask if people have had therapy. 2700 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 2701 Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 2702 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 2703 % 2704 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2705 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2706 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2707 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2708 true value of the company. 2709 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2710 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2711 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2712 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2713 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2714 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2715 Nazareth. 2716 % 2717 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2718 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2719 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2720 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2721 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2722 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2723 can't." 2724 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2725 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2726 % 2727 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2728 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2729 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2730 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2731 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2732 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2733 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2734 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2735 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2736 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2737 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2738 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2739 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2740 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2741 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2742 % 2743 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2744 to be avoided than harped upon. 2745 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2746 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2747 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2748 about helping to postpone this reunion. 2749 -- Douglas Adams 2750 % 2751 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2752 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2753 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2754 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2755 confirm who I am. 2756 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2757 -- Captain Freedom 2758 % 2759 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2760 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2761 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2762 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2763 no attention to the signal. 2764 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2765 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2766 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2767 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2768 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2769 % 2770 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2771 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2772 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2773 $283 on the desk before the cashier. 2774 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2775 route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2776 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured 2777 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2778 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2779 % 2780 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2781 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2782 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2783 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2784 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2785 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2786 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2787 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2788 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2789 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2790 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2791 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2792 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2793 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2794 normal person?" 2795 % 2796 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 2797 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 2798 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 2799 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 2800 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 2801 saying." 2802 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 2803 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 2804 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 2805 singing." 2806 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 2807 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 2808 % 2809 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2810 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2811 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2812 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2813 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2814 best, write it down and make that the standard. 2815 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2816 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2817 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2818 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2819 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2820 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2821 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2822 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2823 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2824 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2825 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2826 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2827 % 2828 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2829 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2830 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2831 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2832 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2833 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2834 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2835 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2836 she looked like the side of a barn. 2837 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2838 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2839 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2840 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2841 to decide quickly. I decided. 2842 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2843 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after 2844 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2845 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2846 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2847 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2848 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2849 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2850 % 2851 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2852 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2853 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2854 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2855 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2856 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2857 week, until it led them to a parking space. 2858 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2859 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2860 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2861 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2862 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2863 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2864 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2865 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2866 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2867 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2868 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2869 Skirmish" 2870 % 2871 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2872 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2873 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2874 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2875 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2876 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2877 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2878 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2879 die quicker than boredom!" 2880 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2881 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2882 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2883 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2884 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2885 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2886 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2887 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2888 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2889 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2890 rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2891 -- Richard Bach 2892 % 2893 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2894 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2895 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2896 dolphins live forever! 2897 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2898 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2899 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2900 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2901 steal one of these birds. 2902 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2903 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2904 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2905 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2906 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2907 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2908 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2909 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2910 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2911 % 2912 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2913 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2914 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2915 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2916 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2917 a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2918 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2919 help you break such a spell." 2920 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2921 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2922 the night under her pillow." 2923 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2924 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2925 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2926 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2927 her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2928 % 2929 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2930 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2931 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2932 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2933 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2934 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2935 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2936 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2937 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2938 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2939 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2940 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2941 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2942 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2943 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2944 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2945 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2946 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 2947 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 2948 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 2949 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 2950 % 2951 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 2952 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 2953 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 2954 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 2955 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 2956 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 2957 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 2958 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 2959 perception of the elephant. 2960 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 2961 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 2962 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 2963 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 2964 them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." 2965 % 2966 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 2967 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 2968 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 2969 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 2970 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 2971 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 2972 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 2973 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 2974 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 2975 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 2976 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 2977 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 2978 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 2979 % 2980 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 2981 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 2982 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 2983 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 2984 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 2985 available to anyone. 2986 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 2987 % 2988 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 2989 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 2990 to each cons." 2991 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 2992 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 2993 collector..." 2994 % 2995 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 2996 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 2997 went to speak with him. 2998 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 2999 students inquired. 3000 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3001 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3002 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3003 % 3004 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3005 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3006 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3007 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3008 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3009 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3010 you." 3011 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3012 Kelly?" 3013 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3014 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3015 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3016 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3017 % 3018 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3019 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3020 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3021 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3022 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3023 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3024 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3025 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3026 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3027 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3028 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3029 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3030 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3031 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3032 what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3033 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3034 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3035 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3036 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3037 bus pass." 3038 % 3039 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3040 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3041 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3042 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3043 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3044 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3045 message..... 3046 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3047 Back came the reply... 3048 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3049 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3050 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3051 Back came the reply... 3052 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3053 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3054 % 3055 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3056 is our support for UNIX? 3057 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3058 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3059 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3060 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3061 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3062 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3063 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3064 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3065 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3066 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3067 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3068 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3069 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3070 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3071 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3072 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3073 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3074 Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3075 % 3076 page 46 3077 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3078 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3079 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3080 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3081 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3082 on placebo." 3083 page 56 3084 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3085 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3086 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3087 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3088 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3089 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3090 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3091 body functions. 3092 -- Norman Cousins, 3093 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3094 % 3095 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3096 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3097 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3098 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3099 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3100 a Tory!" 3101 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3102 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3103 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3104 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3105 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3106 never reveal our sauce." 3107 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3108 kept favoring curry. 3109 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3110 game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3111 % 3112 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3113 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3114 persuasion. 3115 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3116 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3117 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3118 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3119 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3120 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3121 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3122 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3123 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3124 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3125 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3126 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3127 % 3128 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3129 sounding a bit worried. 3130 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3131 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3132 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3133 said quickly. 3134 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3135 Cobb said, hopping out. 3136 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3137 % 3138 Phases of a Project: 3139 (1) Exultation. 3140 (2) Disenchantment. 3141 (3) Confusion. 3142 (4) Search for the Guilty. 3143 (5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3144 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3145 % 3146 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3147 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3148 ran like a gentle wind. 3149 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3150 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3151 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3152 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3153 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3154 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3155 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3156 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3157 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3158 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3159 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3160 eyes for a moment and then log off." 3161 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3163 % 3164 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3165 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3166 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3167 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3168 starfield surrounding the ship. 3169 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3170 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3171 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3172 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3173 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3174 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3175 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3176 % 3177 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3178 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3179 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3180 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3181 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3182 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3183 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3184 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3185 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3186 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3187 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3188 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3189 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3190 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3191 % 3192 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3193 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3194 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3195 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3196 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3197 if they don't live our way." 3198 ... 3199 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3200 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3201 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3202 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3203 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3204 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3205 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3206 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3207 "When you look at it that way..." 3208 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3209 Whatever. We want. To do." 3210 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3211 % 3212 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3213 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3214 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3215 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3216 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3217 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3218 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3219 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3220 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3221 well. 3222 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub 3223 % 3224 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3225 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3226 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3227 3228 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3229 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3230 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3231 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3232 advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3233 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3234 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3235 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3236 % 3237 SAFETY 3238 I can live without 3239 Someone I love 3240 But not without 3241 Someone I need. 3242 % 3243 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3244 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3245 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3246 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3247 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3248 That way you'll get it out of your system." 3249 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3250 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3251 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3252 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3253 yelled at him: 3254 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3255 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3256 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3257 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3258 at his head!" 3259 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3260 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3261 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3262 psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3263 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3264 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3265 % 3266 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3267 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3268 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3269 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3270 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3271 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3272 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3273 nice gesture you made today, George. 3274 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3275 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3276 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3277 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3278 know." 3279 % 3280 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3281 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3282 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3283 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3284 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3285 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3286 she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3287 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3288 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3289 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3290 % 3291 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3292 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3293 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3294 the odd integers are prime." 3295 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3296 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3297 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3298 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3299 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3300 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3301 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3302 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3303 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3304 does seem right." 3305 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3306 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3307 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3308 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3309 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3310 % 3311 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3312 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3313 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3314 paper boots." 3315 "What's he wanted for?" 3316 "Rustling." 3317 % 3318 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3319 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3320 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3321 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3322 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3323 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3324 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3325 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3326 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3327 every copy. 3328 % 3329 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3330 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3331 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3332 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3333 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3334 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3335 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3336 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3337 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3338 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3339 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3340 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3341 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3342 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3343 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3344 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3345 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3346 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3347 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3348 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3349 % 3350 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3351 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3352 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3353 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3354 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3355 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3356 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3357 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3358 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3359 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3360 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3361 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3362 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3363 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3364 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3365 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3366 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3367 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3368 This is the Minneapple. 3369 % 3370 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3371 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3372 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3373 Tao of Programming. 3374 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3375 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3376 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3377 harmony in the world. 3378 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3379 morning. 3380 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3381 % 3382 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3383 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3384 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3385 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3386 farmers in America." 3387 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3388 % 3389 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3390 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3391 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3392 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3393 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3394 Machineries of Joy?" 3395 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3396 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3397 % 3398 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3399 Half 1/2 bottle 3400 Bottle 750 milliliters 3401 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3402 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3403 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3404 Methuselah 8 bottles 3405 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3406 Balthazar 16 bottles 3407 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3408 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3409 3410 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3411 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3412 to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3413 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3414 % 3415 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3416 these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3417 3418 "What is your name?" 3419 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3420 "What is your quest?" 3421 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3422 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3423 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3424 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3425 % 3426 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3427 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3428 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3429 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3430 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3431 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3432 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3433 were doing was right, that we were winning... 3434 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3435 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3436 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3437 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3438 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3439 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3440 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3441 broke and rolled back. 3442 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3443 % 3444 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3445 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3446 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3447 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3448 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3449 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3450 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3451 improve ... 3452 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3453 % 3454 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3455 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3456 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3457 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3458 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3459 "So?" 3460 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3461 % 3462 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3463 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3464 -- e.e. cummings last service call 3465 % 3466 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3467 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3468 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3469 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3470 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3471 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3472 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3473 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3474 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3475 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3476 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3477 % 3478 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3479 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 3480 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 3481 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 3482 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 3483 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 3484 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 3485 Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 3486 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 3487 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 3488 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 3489 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 3490 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 3491 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 3492 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 3493 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 3494 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3495 % 3496 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3497 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3498 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3499 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3500 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3501 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3502 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3503 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3504 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3505 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3506 % 3507 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3508 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3509 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3510 got a sense of humor?" 3511 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3512 % 3513 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 3514 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 3515 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 3516 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 3517 but not much good in a fight." 3518 % 3519 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 3520 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 3521 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 3522 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 3523 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 3524 sees nothing but goyim..." 3525 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 3526 you got problems. What about my son?" 3527 % 3528 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 3529 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 3530 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 3531 from women." 3532 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 3533 second best?" 3534 % 3535 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3536 3537 SPECIES: Cranial Males 3538 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3539 Courtship & Mating: 3540 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3541 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3542 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3543 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3544 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3545 Track: 3546 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3547 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3548 Comments: 3549 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3550 % 3551 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3552 3553 SPECIES: Cranial Males 3554 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3555 Description: 3556 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3557 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3558 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3559 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3560 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3561 Feathering: 3562 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3563 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3564 Song: 3565 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3566 % 3567 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3568 3569 SPECIES: Cranial Males 3570 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3571 Plumage: 3572 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3573 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3574 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3575 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3576 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3577 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3578 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3579 % 3580 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 3581 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 3582 "What happened?" 3583 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 3584 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 3585 % 3586 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3587 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 3588 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3589 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3590 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3591 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3592 a cup." 3593 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3594 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3595 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3596 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3597 mix-up. Nothing serious." 3598 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3599 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3600 coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3601 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3602 % 3603 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3604 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3605 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3606 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3607 % 3608 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3609 the subject of towels. 3610 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3611 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3612 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3613 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3614 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3615 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3616 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3617 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3618 reckoned with. 3619 % 3620 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3621 the subject of towels. 3622 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3623 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3624 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3625 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3626 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3627 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3628 with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3629 % 3630 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 3631 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 3632 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 3633 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 3634 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 3635 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 3636 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 3637 "That's two," he said. 3638 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 3639 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 3640 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 3641 shot the horse between the eyes. 3642 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 3643 married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 3644 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 3645 % 3646 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3647 a position of negative need. 3648 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3649 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3650 liquid. 3651 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3652 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3653 prestige of His identity. 3654 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3655 ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3656 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3657 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3658 into a pleasurific mood state. 3659 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3660 in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3661 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3662 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3663 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3664 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3665 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3666 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3667 time basis. 3668 % 3669 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3670 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3671 master's office while the master waited in silence. 3672 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3673 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3674 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3675 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3676 Is it not amazing?" 3677 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3678 said. 3679 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3680 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3681 to this?" 3682 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3683 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3684 pleased. 3685 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3686 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3687 you know where it might be?" 3688 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3689 in the data center." 3690 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3691 % 3692 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3693 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3694 have a quarter?" 3695 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3696 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3697 right! Can I have a dollar?" 3698 % 3699 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3700 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3701 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3702 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3703 % 3704 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3705 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3706 ation. 3707 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3708 recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3709 3710 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 3711 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3712 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3713 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3714 3715 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3716 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3717 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3718 3719 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3720 logically experienced citizens." 3721 3722 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3723 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3724 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3725 % 3726 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3727 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3728 feel interested. 3729 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3730 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3731 Aged Man.'" 3732 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3733 Alice corrected herself. 3734 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3735 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3736 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3737 time completely bewildered. 3738 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3739 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3740 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3741 % 3742 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3743 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3744 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3745 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3746 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3747 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3748 % 3749 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3750 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3751 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3752 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3753 out on the water, round. Usurper. 3754 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3755 % 3756 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3757 get results. 3758 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3759 problems in order to get results 3760 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3761 toy problems in order to get results. 3762 % 3763 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3764 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3765 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3766 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3767 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3768 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3769 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3770 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3771 % 3772 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3773 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3774 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3775 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3776 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3777 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3778 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3779 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3780 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3781 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3782 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3783 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3784 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3785 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3786 one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3787 % 3788 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 3789 Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 3790 of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 3791 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 3792 field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 3793 early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 3794 national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 3795 incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 3796 analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 3797 threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 3798 is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 3799 which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 3800 Iceland and get it from the Russians. 3801 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 3802 % 3803 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3804 to the assembler. 3805 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3806 languages. 3807 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3808 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3809 the Tao. 3810 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3811 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3812 % 3813 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3814 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3815 3816 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3817 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3818 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3819 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3820 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3821 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3822 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3823 3824 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3825 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3826 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3827 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3828 3829 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3830 % 3831 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3832 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3833 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3834 would be no Tao. 3835 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3836 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3837 still has bugs. 3838 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3839 % 3840 THE WOMBAT 3841 3842 The wombat lives across the seas, 3843 Among the far Antipodes. 3844 He may exist on nuts and berries, 3845 Or then again, on missionaries; 3846 His distant habitat precludes 3847 Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3848 But I would not engage the wombat 3849 In any form of mortal combat. 3850 % 3851 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3852 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3853 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3854 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3855 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3856 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3857 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3858 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3859 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3860 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3861 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3862 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3863 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3864 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3865 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3866 Dave!" 3867 % 3868 Them Toad Suckers 3869 3870 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 3871 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 3872 3873 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 3874 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 3875 3876 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 3877 Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy! 3878 3879 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 3880 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 3881 3882 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 3883 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 3884 -- Mason Williams 3885 % 3886 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 3887 3888 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 3889 Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 3890 open market. 3891 3892 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 3893 should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 3894 himself. 3895 3896 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 3897 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 3898 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 3899 -- Kehlog Albran 3900 % 3901 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3902 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3903 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3904 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3905 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3906 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3907 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3908 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3909 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3910 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3911 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3912 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3913 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3914 % 3915 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3916 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3917 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3918 his real problems. 3919 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3920 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3921 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3922 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 3923 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 3924 stand to live with. 3925 -- R. Geis 3926 % 3927 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 3928 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 3929 hard, to keep from falling. 3930 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 3931 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 3932 ... 3933 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 3934 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 3935 heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 3936 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 3937 % 3938 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 3939 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 3940 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 3941 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 3942 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 3943 this? 3944 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 3945 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you 3946 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 3947 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 3948 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 3949 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 3950 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 3951 -- Arthur Naiman 3952 % 3953 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 3954 he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 3955 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 3956 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 3957 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 3958 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 3959 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 3960 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 3961 but nothing was to be found. 3962 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 3963 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 3964 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 3965 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 3966 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 3967 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 3968 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 3969 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3970 % 3971 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 3972 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 3973 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 3974 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 3975 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 3976 understand the Tao before transcending structure." 3977 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3978 % 3979 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one 3980 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 3981 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 3982 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 3983 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 3984 % 3985 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 3986 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 3987 a man who answered one door. 3988 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 3989 "Forty dollars." 3990 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 3991 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 3992 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 3993 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 3994 % 3995 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 3996 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 3997 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 3998 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 3999 they're carrying upstairs!" 4000 % 4001 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4002 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4003 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4004 can opener. 4005 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4006 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4007 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4008 and escaped. 4009 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4010 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4011 pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4012 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4013 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4014 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4015 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4016 Proof: assume the opposite... 4017 % 4018 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4019 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4020 an accounting package or an operating system?" 4021 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4022 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4023 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4024 system," he said. 4025 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4026 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4027 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4028 the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside 4029 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4030 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4031 is easier to design." 4032 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but 4033 which is easier to debug?" 4034 The programmer made no reply. 4035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4036 % 4037 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4038 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4039 an accounting package or an operating system?" 4040 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4041 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4042 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4043 system," he said. 4044 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4045 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4046 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4047 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4048 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4049 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4050 is easier to design." 4051 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4052 he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4053 The programmer made no reply. 4054 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4055 % 4056 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4057 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4058 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4059 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4060 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4061 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4062 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4063 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4064 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4065 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4066 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4067 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4068 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4069 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4070 % 4071 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4072 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4073 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4074 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4075 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4076 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4077 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4078 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae 4079 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4080 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4081 things was itself the doing of them. 4082 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4083 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4084 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4085 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4086 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4087 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4088 spread only for demons or for gods." 4089 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4090 % 4091 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4092 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4093 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4094 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4095 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4096 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4097 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4098 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4099 country. We're completely computerized. 4100 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4101 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4102 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4103 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4104 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4105 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4106 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4107 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4108 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4109 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4110 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4111 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4112 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4113 % 4114 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4115 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4116 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4117 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4118 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4119 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since 4120 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4121 making anything out of all the hard work. 4122 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4123 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4124 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4125 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4126 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow 4127 % 4128 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of 4129 legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. 4130 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I 4131 am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we 4132 will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior 4133 a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn 4134 politicians. 4135 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do 4136 for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. 4137 From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily 4138 led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to 4139 bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't 4140 have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter 4141 Thompson's disease. 4142 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4143 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and 4144 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4145 % 4146 To A Quick Young Fox 4147 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4148 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4149 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- 4150 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4151 -- Lazy Dog 4152 % 4153 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4154 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4155 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4156 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4157 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4158 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4159 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4160 pint of ice cream nearby. 4161 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4162 % 4163 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4164 One saw mud-- 4165 The other saw stars. 4166 4167 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4168 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4169 in the head. 4170 % 4171 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4172 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4173 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4174 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4175 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4176 sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4177 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4178 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4179 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4180 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4181 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4182 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4183 was Carmen or Cohen. 4184 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4185 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4186 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4187 % 4188 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4189 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4190 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4191 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4192 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4193 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4194 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4195 soggy potato chips." 4196 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4197 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4198 "but I thought it made good copy." 4199 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4200 % 4201 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4202 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4203 up to 340." 4204 4205 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4206 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4207 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4208 4209 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4210 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4211 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4212 work." 4213 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4214 % 4215 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4216 4217 Firings will continue until morale improves. 4218 % 4219 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4220 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4221 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4222 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4223 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4224 by law, up to and including nothing. 4225 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4226 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4227 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4228 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4229 attack shark at which point we relented. 4230 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4231 % 4232 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4233 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4234 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4235 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4236 predatory. 4237 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4238 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4239 Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4240 -- William Burroughs 4241 % 4242 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4243 you are so tired. 4244 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4245 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 4246 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4247 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4248 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 4249 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4250 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4251 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4252 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4253 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4254 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4255 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4256 % 4257 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4258 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4259 psycho-prompter couch?" 4260 "Thank you, Red." 4261 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4262 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4263 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4264 "Yes, Red." 4265 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4266 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4267 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4268 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4269 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4270 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4271 "Yes, Red." 4272 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4273 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4274 explain the failure of your three marriages." 4275 "Well, I--" 4276 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4277 product." 4278 -- Jules Feiffer 4279 % 4280 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4281 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4282 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4283 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4284 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4285 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4286 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4287 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4288 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4289 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4290 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4291 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4292 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4293 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4294 Time passed, unheeded. 4295 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4296 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4297 -- Wayfarer 4298 % 4299 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4300 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4301 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4302 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4303 ripped off..." 4304 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4305 let him lie there all night." 4306 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4307 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4308 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4309 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4310 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4311 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4312 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4313 in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4314 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4315 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4316 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4317 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4318 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4319 % 4320 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4321 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4322 maim or kill innocent little children." 4323 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4324 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4325 -- The Killing Joke 4326 % 4327 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4328 as follows." 4329 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4330 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4331 "It means the Thing to Do." 4332 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4333 % 4334 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4335 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4336 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4337 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4338 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4339 is mightier than you." 4340 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4341 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4342 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4343 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4344 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4345 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4346 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4347 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4348 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4349 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The 4350 tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you 4351 don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." 4352 % 4353 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4354 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4355 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4356 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4357 4358 The New Yorker's comment: 4359 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4360 % 4361 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4362 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4363 "No, we just don't like him." 4364 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4365 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4366 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4367 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4368 above the beak." 4369 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4370 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4371 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4372 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4373 -- Monty Python 4374 % 4375 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4376 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4377 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4378 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4379 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4380 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4381 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4382 they're not selling." 4383 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4384 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4385 [...] 4386 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4387 I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." 4388 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4389 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4390 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4391 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4392 % 4393 "What are you doing?" 4394 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 4395 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation 4396 period." 4397 % 4398 "What are you watching?" 4399 "I don't know." 4400 "Well, what's happening?" 4401 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4402 terrible." 4403 "Why are you watching it?" 4404 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4405 flow over you." 4406 -- The Big Chill 4407 % 4408 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4409 fantasies?" 4410 "You keep it to yourself." 4411 -- Broadcast News 4412 % 4413 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4414 asked her mother. 4415 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4416 % 4417 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4418 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4419 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4420 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4421 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4422 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4423 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4424 and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4425 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4426 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4427 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4428 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4429 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4430 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4431 % 4432 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 4433 didn't believe in God". 4434 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 4435 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 4436 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 4437 -- Joseph Heller 4438 % 4439 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4440 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4441 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4442 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4443 % 4444 "What's that thing?" 4445 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4446 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4447 it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4448 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly 4449 % 4450 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4451 his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4452 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4453 political views. 4454 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4455 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4456 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4457 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4458 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4459 moved farther to the left." 4460 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4461 % 4462 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4463 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4464 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4465 roll in. 4466 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4467 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4468 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4469 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4470 be solved. 4471 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4472 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4473 % 4474 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4475 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4476 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4477 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4478 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4479 % 4480 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4481 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4482 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4483 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4484 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4485 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4486 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4487 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4488 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4489 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4490 Rumania. 4491 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4492 % 4493 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4494 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4495 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4496 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4497 Piglet. 4498 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4499 % 4500 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4501 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4502 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4503 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4504 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4505 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4506 then. We're trying to catch her." 4507 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4508 carrying a bucket of sand?" 4509 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4510 % 4511 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4512 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4513 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4514 you burn, madam." 4515 % 4516 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4517 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4518 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4519 mean?" 4520 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4521 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4522 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4523 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4524 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4525 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4526 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4527 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4528 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4529 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4530 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4531 why the sea is salt." 4532 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4533 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4534 % 4535 Why are you doing this to me? 4536 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4537 there is change. 4538 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4539 % 4540 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 4541 night?" demanded the irate mother. 4542 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 4543 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 4544 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 4545 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 4546 "We did." 4547 % 4548 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4549 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4550 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4551 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4552 -- $40,000." 4553 % 4554 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 4555 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 4556 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 4557 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 4558 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 4559 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 4560 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 4561 "Okay. It's your wife." 4562 "My wife!!" 4563 "Yeah." 4564 "What about her?" 4565 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 4566 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 4567 % 4568 Work Hard. 4569 Rock Hard. 4570 Eat Hard. 4571 Sleep Hard. 4572 Grow Big. 4573 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4574 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4575 % 4576 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4577 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4578 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4579 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4580 Chips, as well as after Chips? 4581 % 4582 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4583 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4584 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4585 bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4586 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4587 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4588 long, and two mouses wide." 4589 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4590 how it was used... 4591 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4592 % 4593 "Yo, Mike!" 4594 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4595 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4596 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4597 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4598 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4599 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4600 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4601 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4602 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4603 % 4604 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4605 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4606 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4607 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4608 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4609 % 4610 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4611 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4612 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4613 when I was young!" 4614 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4615 "I don't know, I didn't listen." 4616 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4617 % 4618 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4619 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4620 fit to hear his view of things?" 4621 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4622 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4623 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4624 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4625 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4626 and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4627 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4628 % 4629 "You say there are two types of people?" 4630 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4631 don't." 4632 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4633 Those who separate people into three groups. 4634 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4635 Those who can't decide." 4636 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4637 two groups?" 4638 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4639 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4640 "Yeah." 4641 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4642 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4643 minds." 4644 % 4645 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4646 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4647 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4648 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4649 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4650 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4651 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4652 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4653 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4654 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4655 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4656 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4657 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4658 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4659 % 4660 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4661 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4662 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4663 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4664 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4665 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4666 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4667 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4668 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4669 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4670 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4671 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4672 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4673 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4674 cats on the dinette table, etc. 4675 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4676 % 4677 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4678 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4679 "That stop him?" 4680 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4681 % 4682 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 4683 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 4684 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 4685 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 4686 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 4687 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 4688 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 4689 back to dust. 4690 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 4691 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 4692 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 4693 for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 4694 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 4695 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 4696 despair. 4697 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 4698 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 4699 you are young. 4700 -- Samuel Ullman 4701 % 4702 " " 4703 -- Charlie Chaplin 4704 4705 " " 4706 -- Harpo Marx 4707 4708 " " 4709 -- Marcel Marceau 4710 % 4711 /\ 4712 \\ \ 4713 / \ \\ / 4714 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4715 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4716 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4717 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4718 \ \\ 4719 \/ 4720 -- Eurythmics 4721 % 4722 ___ ______ 4723 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4724 \ \ \ / /\\ 4725 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4726 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4727 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4728 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4729 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4730 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4731 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4732 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4733 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4734 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4735 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4736 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4737 /__________/ \ \ / 4738 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4739 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4740 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4741 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4742 \____\/ \__\/ 4743 % 4744 *** 4745 ******* 4746 ********* 4747 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4748 ******* 4749 *** 4750 % 4751 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4752 % 4753 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4754 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4755 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4756 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4757 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4758 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4759 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4760 man. 4761 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4762 % 4763 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4764 4765 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4766 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4767 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4768 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4769 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4770 cold boot process. 4771 % 4772 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4773 4774 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4775 4776 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4777 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4778 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4779 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4780 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4781 performance. 4782 % 4783 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4784 4785 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4786 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4787 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4788 please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4789 4790 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4791 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4792 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4793 Wastebasket 4794 Room NE43-926 4795 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4796 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4797 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4798 4799 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4800 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4801 % 4802 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4803 4804 CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4805 4806 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4807 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4808 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4809 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4810 4811 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4812 4813 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4814 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4815 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4816 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4817 it cold boots the machine so often. 4818 % 4819 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4820 4821 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4822 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4823 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4824 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4825 Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4826 4827 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4828 ,LET))) 4829 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4830 ,LET)) 4831 4832 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 4833 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4834 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4835 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4836 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4837 % 4838 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4839 4840 JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4841 4842 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4843 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4844 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4845 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4846 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4847 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4848 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4849 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4850 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4851 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4852 % 4853 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4854 4855 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4856 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4857 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4858 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4859 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4860 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4861 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4862 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4863 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4864 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4865 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4866 % 4867 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4868 4869 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4870 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4871 (PROG (V P LP) 4872 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4873 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4874 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4875 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4876 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4877 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4878 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4879 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4880 (GO L1) 4881 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4882 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4883 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4884 (GO L))) 4885 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4886 % 4887 **** CONVENTION REMINDER 4888 4889 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4890 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4891 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4892 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4893 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4894 % 4895 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4896 4897 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4898 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4899 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4900 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4901 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4902 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4903 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4904 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4905 great potential. 4906 % 4907 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4908 its situation. 4909 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4910 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4911 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4912 second per second takes over. 4913 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4914 intervenes suddenly. 4915 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4916 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4917 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4918 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4919 stooge's surcease. 4920 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4921 conforming to its perimeter. 4922 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 4923 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 4924 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 4925 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 4926 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 4927 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 4928 % 4929 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 4930 2. The Nutcracker Swede 4931 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 4932 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 4933 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 4934 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 4935 7. Crisco Kringle 4936 8. Babes in Boyland 4937 9. Santa's Magic Lap 4938 10. Hot Buttered Elves 4939 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 4940 Square" 4941 % 4942 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 4943 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 4944 -- Mark Twain 4945 % 4946 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 4947 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 4948 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 4949 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 4950 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 4951 that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 4952 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 4953 % 4954 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 4955 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 4956 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 4957 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 4958 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 4959 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 4960 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 4961 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 4962 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 4963 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 4964 % 4965 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 4966 4967 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 4968 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 4969 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 4970 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 4971 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 4972 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 4973 % 4974 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 4975 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" 4976 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 4977 MIT Press, 1987 4978 % 4979 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 4980 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 4981 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 4982 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 4983 never when standing. 4984 4985 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 4986 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 4987 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 4988 hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static 4989 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 4990 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 4991 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 4992 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 4993 astray by hunting and pecking. 4994 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 4995 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 4996 % 4997 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 4998 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 4999 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5000 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5001 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5002 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5003 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5004 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5005 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5006 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5007 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5008 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5009 % 5010 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5011 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5012 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5013 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5014 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5015 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5016 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5017 of this article.) 5018 % 5019 "... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." 5020 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5021 % 5022 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5023 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5024 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5025 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5026 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5027 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5028 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5029 other's private parts. 5030 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5031 % 5032 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5033 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5034 gain in 30 years. 5035 -- Fred Brooks 5036 % 5037 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5038 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5039 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5040 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5041 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5042 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5043 % 5044 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5045 % 5046 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5047 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5048 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5049 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5050 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5051 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5052 knows them in the naming. 5053 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5054 % 5055 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5056 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5057 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5058 Security Agency. 5059 % 5060 /* Haley */ 5061 5062 (Haley's comment.) 5063 % 5064 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5065 on lust, this would be a better world. 5066 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5067 % 5068 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5069 5070 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5071 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5072 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5073 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5074 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5075 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5076 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5077 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5078 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5079 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5080 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5081 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5082 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5083 % 5084 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5085 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5086 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5087 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5088 incalculable ... 5089 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5090 % 5091 >>> Internal error in fortune program: 5092 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5093 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5094 % 5095 : is not an identifier 5096 % 5097 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5098 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5099 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5100 superficial design flaws. 5101 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products 5102 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 5103 % 5104 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5105 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5106 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5107 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5108 -- Sidney Hook 5109 % 5110 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5111 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5112 -- John 11:43-44 5113 % 5114 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5115 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5116 -- Opus 5117 % 5118 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5119 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5120 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5121 -- Neophyte's serendipity. 5122 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic 5123 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5124 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5125 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5126 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5127 of a lucrative nature. 5128 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5129 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5130 % 5131 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5132 % 5133 -- Neophyte's serendipity. 5134 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of 5135 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5136 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5137 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5138 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5139 optimal cachinnation. 5140 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5141 escalation of a lucrative nature. 5142 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5143 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5144 remain innocuous. 5145 % 5146 *** NEWS FLASH *** 5147 5148 Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5149 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5150 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5151 % 5152 *** NEWSFLASH *** 5153 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5154 Details at eleven! 5155 % 5156 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5157 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5158 their C programs. 5159 -- Robert Firth 5160 % 5161 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5162 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5163 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5164 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5165 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5166 % 5167 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5168 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5169 -- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5170 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5171 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5172 lacteal fluid. 5173 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5174 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5175 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5176 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5177 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5178 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 5179 % 5180 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5181 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5182 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5183 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5184 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5185 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5186 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5187 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5188 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5189 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5190 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5191 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5192 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5193 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5194 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5195 % 5196 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5197 5198 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5199 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5200 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5201 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5202 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5203 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5204 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5205 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5206 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5207 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5208 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5209 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5210 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5211 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5212 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5213 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5214 % 5215 -- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5216 ... convenient 5217 ... clean 5218 ... cozy 5219 5220 Norman, knock loudly, 5221 I'm in the shower. 5222 5223 M. 5224 % 5225 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5226 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5227 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 5228 materials, there is conflagration. 5229 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5230 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5231 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5232 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5233 optimal cachinnation. 5234 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5235 % 5236 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 5237 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5238 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5239 layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5240 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5241 % 5242 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5243 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5244 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5245 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5246 5247 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5248 % 5249 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5250 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5251 -- The Firesign Theater 5252 % 5253 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5254 from beginning to end. 5255 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5256 % 5257 U X 5258 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5259 % 5260 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5261 % 5262 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5263 entrances; others cannot. 5264 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5265 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5266 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5267 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5268 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5269 of science. 5270 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5271 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5272 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5273 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5274 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5275 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5276 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5277 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5278 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5279 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5280 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5281 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5282 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5283 % 5284 << WAIT >> 5285 % 5286 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5287 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5288 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5289 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5290 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5291 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5292 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5293 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5294 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5295 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5296 into doubt. 5297 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5298 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5299 % 5300 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5301 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5302 -- Fred Brooks 5303 % 5304 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5305 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5306 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5307 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5308 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5309 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5310 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5311 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5312 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5313 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5314 barely able to walk. 5315 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5316 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5317 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5318 "The good news first!" 5319 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5320 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5321 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5322 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5323 his life." 5324 % 5325 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5326 % 5327 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 5328 2: An inclined plane is a slope up. 5329 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5330 5331 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5332 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5333 % 5334 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5335 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5336 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5337 Wash the windows once a week. 5338 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5339 coal for the day's business. 5340 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5341 individual taste. 5342 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5343 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5344 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5345 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5346 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5347 Works, 1872 5348 % 5349 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5350 % 5351 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 5352 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 5353 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 5354 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 5355 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 5356 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 5357 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 5358 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 5359 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 5360 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5361 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5362 % 5363 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5364 [2] Great generals are forewarned. 5365 [3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5366 [4] Four is an even number. 5367 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5368 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5369 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5370 % 5371 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5372 [2] Great generals are forewarned. 5373 [3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5374 [4] Four is an even number. 5375 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5376 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5377 Therefore, all horses are black. 5378 % 5379 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 5380 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 5381 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 5382 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5383 the social ramble ain't restful. 5384 5. Avoid running at all times. 5385 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5386 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5387 % 5388 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 5389 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 5390 2 pints = 1 Cavort 5391 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5392 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 5393 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex 5394 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 5395 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 5396 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 5397 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 5398 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 5399 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 5400 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 5401 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5402 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 5403 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5404 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 5405 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5406 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5407 to 1 meter per second 5408 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 5409 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 5410 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz 5411 1 Word = 1 Millipicture 5412 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions 5413 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 5414 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 5415 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5416 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5417 % 5418 1 bulls, 3 cows. 5419 % 5420 1) Everything depends. 5421 2) Nothing is always. 5422 3) Everything is sometimes. 5423 % 5424 1) Never draw what you can copy. 5425 2) Never copy what you can trace. 5426 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 5427 % 5428 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5429 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 5430 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5431 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5432 % 5433 1: No code table for op: ++post 5434 % 5435 1) X=Y ; Given 5436 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 5437 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 5438 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 5439 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 5440 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 5441 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5442 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5443 % 5444 10. Not everybody looks good naked. 5445 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5446 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5447 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5448 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5449 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5450 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5451 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5452 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5453 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5454 future generations. 5455 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock 5456 % 5457 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5458 5459 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5460 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5461 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5462 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5463 other beers on the side. 5464 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of 5465 "doberperson". 5466 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5467 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5468 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5469 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5470 toilet seat up. 5471 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5472 enormous can of vegetable juice. 5473 10. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5474 % 5475 100 buckets of bits on the bus 5476 100 buckets of bits 5477 Take one down, short it to ground 5478 FF buckets of bits on the bus 5479 5480 FF buckets of bits on the bus 5481 FF buckets of bits 5482 Take one down, short it to ground 5483 FE buckets of bits on the bus... 5484 5485 ad infinitum... 5486 % 5487 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 5488 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 5489 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5490 % 5491 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5492 % 5493 1/2 oz. gin 5494 1/2 oz. vodka 5495 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 5496 3/4 oz. tequila 5497 1/2 oz. triple sec 5498 1/2 oz. orange juice 5499 3/4 oz. sour mix 5500 1/2 oz. cola 5501 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5502 Long Island Iced Tea 5503 % 5504 13. ... r-q1 5505 % 5506 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5507 5508 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5509 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5510 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5511 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5512 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5513 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5514 5515 Nine in the second place means: 5516 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5517 5518 Six in the third place means: 5519 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5520 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5521 % 5522 17th Rule of Friendship: 5523 5524 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5525 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5526 noncancellable. 5527 -- Esquire, May 1977 5528 % 5529 186,000 miles per second: 5530 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5531 % 5532 1893 The ideal brain tonic 5533 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5534 soda fountains 5535 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 5536 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 5537 1906 The drink of QUALITY 5538 1907 Good to the last drop 5539 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 5540 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 5541 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 5542 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 5543 1919 It satisfies thirst 5544 1919 The taste is the test 5545 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 5546 1922 Thirst knows no season 5547 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5548 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5549 % 5550 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 5551 1929 The high sign of refreshment 5552 1929 The pause that refreshes 5553 1930 It had to be good to get where it is 5554 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 5555 1935 The pause that brings friends together 5556 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 5557 1938 The best friend thirst ever had 5558 1939 Thirst stops here 5559 1942 It's the real thing 5560 1947 Have a Coke 5561 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 5562 1963 Things go better with Coke 5563 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 5564 1979 Have a Coke and a smile 5565 1982 Coke is it! 5566 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5567 % 5568 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5569 5570 2nd graffitiest: Why? 5571 % 5572 $3,000,000. 5573 % 5574 355/113 -- 5575 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5576 % 5577 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5578 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5579 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5580 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5581 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5582 5583 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5584 % 5585 3rd Law of Computing: 5586 Anything that can go wr 5587 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5588 % 5589 40 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5590 % 5591 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5592 5593 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5594 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5595 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5596 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5597 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5598 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5599 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5600 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5601 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5602 % 5603 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5604 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5605 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5606 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5607 and other good books. 5608 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5609 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5610 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5611 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5612 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5613 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5614 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5615 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5616 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5617 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5618 business permit it. 5619 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5620 Works, 1872 5621 % 5622 6 oz. orange juice 5623 1 oz. vodka 5624 1/2 oz. Galliano 5625 Harvey Wallbangers 5626 % 5627 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5628 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5629 Redwood Forest. 5630 5631 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5632 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5633 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5634 % 5635 90% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5636 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5637 % 5638 94% of the women in America are beautiful 5639 and the rest hang out around here. 5640 % 5641 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 5642 99 blocks of crud! 5643 You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5644 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5645 5646 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5647 100 blocks of crud! 5648 You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5649 101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5650 % 5651 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 5652 -- B. Franklin 5653 % 5654 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5655 at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5656 % 5657 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5658 % 5659 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5660 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5661 -- Don Quinn 5662 % 5663 A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5664 % 5665 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5666 and a boy for ever. 5667 -- Helen Rowland 5668 % 5669 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5670 the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5671 % 5672 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5673 ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5674 -- Robert Frost 5675 % 5676 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5677 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5678 -- Mark Twain 5679 % 5680 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5681 -- Kipling 5682 % 5683 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5684 -- Emerson 5685 % 5686 A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5687 % 5688 A beginning is the time for taking the 5689 most delicate care that balances are correct. 5690 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5691 % 5692 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5693 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5694 % 5695 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5696 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5697 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5698 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5699 % 5700 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5701 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5702 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5703 5704 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5705 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5706 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5707 there's one white zebra." 5708 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5709 white on one side." 5710 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5711 % 5712 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5713 -- Cervantes 5714 % 5715 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5716 % 5717 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5718 % 5719 A bit of talcum 5720 Is always walcum 5721 -- Ogden Nash 5722 % 5723 A black cat crossing your path signifies 5724 that the animal is going somewhere. 5725 -- Groucho Marx 5726 % 5727 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5728 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5729 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5730 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5731 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5732 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5733 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5734 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5735 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5736 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5737 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5738 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5739 resource centers along the roads. 5740 -- The Underground Grammarian 5741 % 5742 A bore is a man who talks so much about 5743 himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5744 % 5745 A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5746 own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5747 % 5748 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5749 % 5750 A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5751 Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5752 -- J.R. Tolkien 5753 % 5754 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5755 of turning around three times before lying down. 5756 -- Robert Benchley 5757 % 5758 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5759 -- John Steinbeck 5760 % 5761 A budget is just a method of worrying 5762 before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5763 % 5764 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5765 % 5766 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5767 % 5768 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5769 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5770 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5771 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5772 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5773 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5774 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5775 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5776 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5777 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5778 pole in a complex plane." 5779 % 5780 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5781 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5782 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5783 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5784 -- Robert W. Service 5785 % 5786 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5787 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5788 % 5789 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5790 -- Paul Valery 5791 % 5792 "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" 5793 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5794 % 5795 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5796 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5797 % 5798 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5799 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5800 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5801 examine him about his recent diet. 5802 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5803 the problem?" 5804 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5805 Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5806 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5807 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5808 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5809 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5810 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5811 % 5812 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5813 % 5814 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5815 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5816 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5817 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5818 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5819 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5820 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5821 % 5822 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5823 does not prove anything. 5824 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5825 % 5826 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5827 % 5828 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5829 Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5830 % 5831 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5832 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5833 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5834 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5835 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5836 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5837 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5838 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5839 was enlightened. 5840 5841 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5842 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5843 who passed it on to theirs. 5844 % 5845 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5846 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5847 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5848 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5849 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5850 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5851 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5852 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5853 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5854 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5855 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5856 go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5857 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5858 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5859 % 5860 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5861 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5862 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5863 in as Mr. and Mrs. 5864 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5865 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5866 a bill for $2500. 5867 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5868 only three days." 5869 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5870 and a half." 5871 % 5872 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 5873 % 5874 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 5875 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 5876 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 5877 -- Dave Barry 5878 % 5879 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 5880 Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 5881 -- Thomas Ybarra 5882 % 5883 A chronic disposition to inquiry 5884 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 5885 % 5886 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 5887 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 5888 % 5889 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 5890 won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 5891 -- Bill Vaughan 5892 % 5893 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 5894 -- Herbert Prochnow 5895 % 5896 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 5897 % 5898 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read 5899 and nobody wants to read. 5900 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 5901 % 5902 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 5903 % 5904 A closed mouth gathers no foot. 5905 % 5906 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 5907 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 5908 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 5909 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 5910 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 5911 % 5912 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5913 5914 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 5915 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 5916 valuable scientific objectivity. 5917 5918 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 5919 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 5920 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 5921 5922 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 5923 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 5924 % 5925 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5926 5927 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 5928 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 5929 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 5930 disability you may have experienced. 5931 5932 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 5933 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 5934 explained in terms that you would understand. 5935 5936 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 5937 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 5938 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 5939 % 5940 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5941 5942 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 5943 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 5944 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 5945 5946 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 5947 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 5948 5949 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 5950 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 5951 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 5952 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 5953 5954 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 5955 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 5956 % 5957 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 5958 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 5959 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 5960 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 5961 % 5962 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 5963 -- Milton Berle 5964 % 5965 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 5966 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5967 % 5968 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 5969 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 5970 -- Parkinson 5971 % 5972 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 5973 -- R. Stallman 5974 % 5975 A company is known by the men it keeps. 5976 % 5977 A complex system that works is invariably 5978 found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 5979 % 5980 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 5981 -- Victor Hugo 5982 % 5983 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 5984 -- Joseph Campbell 5985 % 5986 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 5987 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 5988 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 5989 % 5990 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 5991 the president one of the latest talking computers. 5992 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 5993 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 5994 speed of light?" 5995 Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 5996 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 5997 Computer: George Washington. 5998 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 5999 Where is my father?" 6000 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6001 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6002 years ago!" 6003 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6004 landed a twelve pound bass. 6005 % 6006 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6007 % 6008 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6009 cake without ketchup and mustard. 6010 % 6011 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6012 % 6013 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6014 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6015 -- Fred Allen 6016 % 6017 A CONS is an object which cares. 6018 -- Bernie Greenberg. 6019 % 6020 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6021 -- Elbert Hubbard 6022 % 6023 A conservative is a man 6024 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6025 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6026 % 6027 A conservative is a man 6028 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6029 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6030 % 6031 A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6032 % 6033 A couch is as good as a chair. 6034 % 6035 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6036 -- B. Franklin 6037 % 6038 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6039 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6040 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6041 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6042 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6043 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6044 Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6045 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6046 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6047 license. 6048 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6049 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6050 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6051 there, he don't have one!" 6052 % 6053 A cousin of mine once said about money, 6054 money is always there but the pockets change; 6055 it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6056 and that is all there is to say about money. 6057 -- Gertrude Stein 6058 % 6059 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6060 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6061 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6062 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6063 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6064 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6065 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6066 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6067 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6068 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6069 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6070 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6071 this central section. 6072 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6073 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6074 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6075 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6076 % 6077 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6078 -- Whitney Balliett 6079 % 6080 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6081 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6082 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6083 % 6084 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6085 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6086 % 6087 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6088 % 6089 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6090 % 6091 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6092 % 6093 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6094 % 6095 A day without sunshine is like night. 6096 % 6097 A dead man cannot bite. 6098 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6099 % 6100 A debugged program is one for which you have 6101 not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6102 -- Jerry Ogdin 6103 % 6104 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6105 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6106 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6107 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6108 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6109 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6110 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6111 % 6112 A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6113 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6114 % 6115 A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6116 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6117 % 6118 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6119 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6120 -- Samuel Clemens 6121 % 6122 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6123 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6124 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6125 % 6126 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6127 -- Robert Frost 6128 % 6129 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6130 your birthday when you never look any older?" 6131 % 6132 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6133 -- Adlai Stevenson 6134 % 6135 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6136 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6137 of her life?" 6138 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6139 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6140 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6141 % 6142 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6143 % 6144 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6145 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6146 that you only have six weeks to live." 6147 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6148 that?" 6149 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6150 last Monday." 6151 % 6152 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6153 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6154 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6155 courtesy," he explained. 6156 % 6157 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6158 -- Ogden Nash 6159 % 6160 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6161 what he meant. 6162 -- Wilson Mizner 6163 % 6164 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6165 -- Stanislaw Lem 6166 % 6167 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6168 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6169 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6170 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6171 % 6172 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 6173 -- Klipstein 6174 % 6175 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6176 % 6177 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6178 -- Publilius Syrus 6179 % 6180 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6181 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6182 she deserved. 6183 -- R.A. Heinlein 6184 % 6185 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 6186 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6187 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6188 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6189 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6190 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6191 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6192 % 6193 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6194 -- Winston Churchill 6195 % 6196 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6197 % 6198 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6199 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6200 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6201 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6202 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6203 takes off and disappears into the distance. 6204 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6205 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6206 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6207 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6208 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6209 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6210 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6211 have a drumstick." 6212 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6213 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6214 one yet." 6215 % 6216 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6217 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6218 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6219 should be masculine or feminine. 6220 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either 6221 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice. 6222 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6223 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6224 went on their way rather quickly. 6225 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6226 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6227 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6228 asked. 6229 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6230 masculine." 6231 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6232 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6233 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6234 go!'" 6235 6236 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6237 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6238 % 6239 A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6240 % 6241 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 6242 % 6243 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 6244 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 6245 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 6246 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 6247 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 6248 drowned in the lake!" 6249 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 6250 more chain than he can swim with?" 6251 % 6252 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6253 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6254 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6255 A baby-sitter I've never yet 6256 Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6257 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6258 6259 A batter bats 6260 (Or scatters scats); 6261 A potting shed's for potting; 6262 But no one's found 6263 A bounder bound 6264 Or caught an otter otting. 6265 -- Ralph Lewin 6266 % 6267 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6268 waiting for a taxi. 6269 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6270 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6271 % 6272 A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6273 % 6274 A fool and his money are soon popular. 6275 % 6276 A fool and your money are soon partners. 6277 % 6278 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 6279 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 6280 % 6281 A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6282 % 6283 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6284 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6285 % 6286 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6287 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6288 % 6289 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6290 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6291 -- G.B. Shaw 6292 % 6293 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6294 -- D. Gries 6295 % 6296 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6297 % 6298 A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6299 -- Ruth Weston 6300 % 6301 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6302 -- Robert Benchley 6303 % 6304 A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6305 % 6306 A friend is a present you give yourself. 6307 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6308 % 6309 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6310 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6311 -- Steven Wright 6312 % 6313 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6314 lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6315 % 6316 A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 6317 % 6318 A full belly makes a dull brain. 6319 -- Ben Franklin 6320 6321 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6322 % 6323 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other 6324 people's demands. 6325 % 6326 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6327 % 6328 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6329 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6330 % 6331 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6332 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6333 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6334 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6335 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6336 the engineer: 6337 6338 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6339 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6340 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6341 electrical shock to the horse. 6342 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6343 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 6344 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6345 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6346 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6347 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6348 6349 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6350 % 6351 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6352 -- Evan Esar 6353 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6354 % 6355 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6356 -- Fred Allen 6357 % 6358 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6359 % 6360 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and 6361 a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But 6362 when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* 6363 % 6364 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6365 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6366 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. 6367 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6368 % 6369 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6370 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6371 % 6372 A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6373 -- Dorothy Parker 6374 % 6375 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 6376 it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 6377 % 6378 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6379 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6380 % 6381 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6382 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6383 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6384 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6385 firm tuft of grass. 6386 -- Donald A. Metz 6387 % 6388 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6389 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6390 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6391 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6392 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6393 uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6394 -- Donald A. Metz 6395 % 6396 A good man always knows his limitations. 6397 -- Harry Callahan 6398 % 6399 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6400 -- Michel de Montaigne 6401 % 6402 A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6403 % 6404 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6405 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6406 -- J. Hawes 6407 % 6408 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6409 -- Patton 6410 % 6411 A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6412 -- Publilius Syrus 6413 % 6414 A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6415 % 6416 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6417 % 6418 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6419 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6420 "That's dynamite, baby." 6421 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 6422 % 6423 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6424 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6425 you about yourself. 6426 -- Lisa Kirk 6427 % 6428 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6429 the table after you eat. 6430 % 6431 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6432 -- James Beard 6433 % 6434 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6435 to take it all away. 6436 -- Barry Goldwater 6437 % 6438 A grammarian's life is always intense. 6439 % 6440 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6441 -- B. Franklin 6442 % 6443 A great many people think they are thinking 6444 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6445 -- William James 6446 % 6447 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6448 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6449 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6450 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6451 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6452 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6453 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6454 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department 6455 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6456 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6457 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6458 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6459 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6460 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6461 % 6462 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6463 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6464 not going to church on Sunday. 6465 -- Russell Baker 6466 % 6467 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6468 -- Carolyn Wells 6469 % 6470 A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6471 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6472 % 6473 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6474 % 6475 A halted retreat 6476 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6477 To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6478 Brings good fortune. 6479 % 6480 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6481 % 6482 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6483 % 6484 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6485 % 6486 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6487 weight in other people's patience. 6488 -- John Updike 6489 % 6490 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6491 6492 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6493 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6494 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6495 you use? 6496 6497 -- Paul Harvey 6498 % 6499 A Hen Brooding Kittens 6500 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6501 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6502 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6503 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6504 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6505 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6506 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6507 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6508 % 6509 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6510 % 6511 A holding company is a thing where you hand 6512 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6513 % 6514 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6515 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6516 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6517 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6518 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6519 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6520 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6521 I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6522 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6523 % 6524 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6525 % 6526 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 6527 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 6528 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 6529 -- So I hit him." 6530 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 6531 % 6532 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6533 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6534 % 6535 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6536 % 6537 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6538 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6539 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 6540 % 6541 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6542 -- Helen Rowland 6543 % 6544 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6545 -- Don Marquis 6546 % 6547 A hypothetical paradox: 6548 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6549 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6550 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6551 -- Tom Galloway 6552 % 6553 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6554 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6555 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6556 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6557 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6558 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6559 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 6560 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6561 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6562 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 6563 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6564 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 6565 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 6566 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 6567 % 6568 A is for Apple. 6569 -- Hester Pryne 6570 % 6571 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6572 B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6573 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6574 D is for dd, the command that does all. 6575 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6576 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6577 G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6578 H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6579 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6580 J is for join, which nobody uses. 6581 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6582 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6583 M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6584 N is for nice, which it really is not. 6585 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6586 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6587 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6588 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6589 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6590 T is for true, which does very little. 6591 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6592 V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6593 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6594 X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6595 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6596 Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6597 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6598 % 6599 A joint is just tea for two. 6600 % 6601 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6602 % 6603 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6604 -- Lao Tsu 6605 % 6606 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6607 -- Lao Tsu 6608 % 6609 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6610 Earthen vessels 6611 Simply handed in through the window. 6612 There is certainly no blame in this. 6613 % 6614 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6615 -- Robert Frost 6616 % 6617 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6618 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6619 % 6620 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6621 % 6622 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6623 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6624 % 6625 A king's castle is his home. 6626 % 6627 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6628 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6629 words are superfluous. 6630 % 6631 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6632 % 6633 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6634 -- Lillian Day 6635 % 6636 A lady with one of her ears applied 6637 To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6638 Two female gossips in converse free -- 6639 The subject engaging them was she. 6640 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6641 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6642 As soon as no more of it she could hear 6643 The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6644 "I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6645 "To hear my character lied about!" 6646 -- Gopete Sherany 6647 % 6648 A language that doesn't affect the way you 6649 think about programming is not worth knowing. 6650 % 6651 A language that doesn't have everything is 6652 actually easier to program in than some that do. 6653 -- D.M. Ritchie 6654 % 6655 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 6656 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 6657 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 6658 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 6659 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 6660 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 6661 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 6662 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 6663 third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 6664 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 6665 this here corn liquor?" 6666 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 6667 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 6668 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 6669 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 6670 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 6671 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 6672 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 6673 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 6674 want killed?" 6675 % 6676 A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6677 That is, they work by being declared to work. 6678 -- Anatol Holt 6679 % 6680 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6681 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6682 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6683 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6684 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6685 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6686 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6687 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6688 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6689 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6690 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6691 to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6692 6693 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6694 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6695 % 6696 A Law of Computer Programming: 6697 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6698 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6699 % 6700 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6701 -- Robert Frost 6702 % 6703 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6704 -- Willis Player 6705 % 6706 A liberal is someone too poor to be a 6707 capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 6708 % 6709 A lie in time saves nine. 6710 % 6711 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6712 trouble. 6713 -- Adlai Stevenson 6714 % 6715 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6716 % 6717 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6718 % 6719 A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6720 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6721 % 6722 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6723 -- Aristotle 6724 % 6725 A LISP programmer knows the value of 6726 everything, but the cost of nothing. 6727 -- Alan Perlis 6728 % 6729 A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6730 -- Don Knuth 6731 % 6732 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6733 % 6734 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6735 -- C.E. Ayres 6736 % 6737 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6738 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" 6739 % 6740 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6741 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6742 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6743 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6744 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6745 % 6746 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6747 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6748 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6749 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6750 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6751 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6752 -- Fred Brooks 6753 % 6754 A little word of doubtful number, 6755 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6756 If you add an "s" to this, 6757 Great is the metamorphosis. 6758 Plural is plural now no more, 6759 And sweet what bitter was before. 6760 What am I? 6761 % 6762 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6763 % 6764 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6765 % 6766 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6767 Buy the negatives at any price. 6768 % 6769 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6770 % 6771 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6772 -- Steve Wright 6773 % 6774 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6775 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6776 -- Lew Col 6777 % 6778 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 6779 -- Thomas Hardy 6780 % 6781 A major, with wonderful force, 6782 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6783 All the flowers looked round, 6784 But no horse could be found; 6785 So he just rhododendron, of course. 6786 % 6787 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 6788 -- Carrie Snow 6789 % 6790 A man always needs to remember one thing about 6791 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 6792 % 6793 A man always remembers his first love with special 6794 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6795 -- Mencken 6796 % 6797 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 6798 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 6799 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 6800 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 6801 her again. Okay?" 6802 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 6803 on the side to make it interesting?" 6804 % 6805 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6806 that it's cheating. 6807 -- Yves Montand 6808 % 6809 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 6810 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 6811 -- Joan Rivers 6812 % 6813 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6814 -- Du Bois 6815 % 6816 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6817 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6818 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6819 "Is anybody there?" 6820 A deep majestic voice answered, 6821 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6822 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6823 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6824 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6825 The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6826 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6827 % 6828 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6829 in the road. 6830 -- Alexander Smith 6831 % 6832 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 6833 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 6834 Polish." 6835 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 6836 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 6837 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 6838 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 6839 the joke. 6840 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 6841 "Nah," says the man. 6842 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 6843 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 6844 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 6845 five times." 6846 % 6847 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6848 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6849 % 6850 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6851 -- Brendan Francis 6852 % 6853 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6854 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6855 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6856 water..." 6857 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6858 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6859 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6860 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6861 "I need *water*." 6862 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6863 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6864 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6865 and he heads off into the distance. 6866 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6867 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6868 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6869 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6870 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6871 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6872 % 6873 A man is known by the company he organizes. 6874 -- A. Bierce 6875 % 6876 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6877 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6878 -- Richard Thompson 6879 % 6880 A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 6881 -- Groucho Marx 6882 % 6883 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 6884 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 6885 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 6886 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 6887 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 6888 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 6889 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 6890 the funeral for?" 6891 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 6892 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 6893 attacked and killed her." 6894 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 6895 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 6896 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 6897 % 6898 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 6899 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 6900 from around here, are you?" 6901 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 6902 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 6903 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 6904 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 6905 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 6906 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 6907 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 6908 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 6909 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 6910 Martians have that?" 6911 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 6912 % 6913 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 6914 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 6915 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 6916 % 6917 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 6918 -- Samuel Johnson 6919 % 6920 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 6921 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 6922 % 6923 A man may well bring a horse to the water, 6924 but he cannot make him drink with he will. 6925 -- John Heywood 6926 % 6927 A man of genius makes no mistakes. 6928 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 6929 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 6930 % 6931 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 6932 % 6933 A man said to the Universe: 6934 "Sir, I exist!" 6935 "However," replied the Universe, 6936 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 6937 -- Stephen Crane 6938 % 6939 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 6940 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 6941 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 6942 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 6943 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 6944 her aid. 6945 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 6946 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 6947 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 6948 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 6949 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 6950 just want to get my saddle back!" 6951 % 6952 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 6953 he is able to answer. 6954 -- Ronald Colman 6955 % 6956 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 6957 late card games. 6958 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 6959 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 6960 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 6961 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 6962 wakes up and gives me hell." 6963 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 6964 "You do?" 6965 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 6966 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 6967 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 6968 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 6969 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 6970 she's asleep." 6971 % 6972 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 6973 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 6974 why did you Di......eeee" 6975 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 6976 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 6977 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 6978 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 6979 why....eeeee did you.." 6980 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 6981 Tell, me who is buried here?" 6982 "My wife's first husband." 6983 % 6984 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 6985 -- Soren Kierkegaard 6986 % 6987 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 6988 in no other way. 6989 % 6990 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 6991 will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 6992 % 6993 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 6994 find a girl willing to listen to him. 6995 % 6996 A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 6997 % 6998 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 6999 % 7000 A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7001 A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7002 % 7003 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7004 % 7005 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7006 % 7007 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7008 % 7009 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7010 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7011 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7012 would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7013 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7014 % 7015 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7016 % 7017 A man's best friend is his dogma. 7018 % 7019 A man's gotta know his limitations. 7020 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7021 % 7022 A man's house is his castle. 7023 -- Sir Edward Coke 7024 % 7025 A man's house is his hassle. 7026 % 7027 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7028 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7029 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7030 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7031 "What about you: do you see it?" 7032 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7033 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7034 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7035 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7036 who is the one that wants to see it?" 7037 % 7038 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7039 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7040 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7041 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7042 yet save her!!" 7043 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7044 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7045 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 7046 6 feet high." 7047 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7048 % 7049 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7050 -- P. Erdos 7051 % 7052 A meeting is an event at which the 7053 minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7054 % 7055 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7056 but to protect the writer. 7057 -- Dean Acheson 7058 % 7059 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 7060 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7061 -- Leibniz 7062 % 7063 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7064 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7065 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7066 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7067 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7068 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7069 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7070 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7071 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7072 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7073 fall over gently onto their backs. 7074 -- Audobon Society Magazine 7075 % 7076 A mighty creature is the germ, 7077 Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7078 His customary dwelling place 7079 Is deep within the human race. 7080 His childish pride he often pleases 7081 By giving people strange diseases. 7082 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7083 You probably contain a germ. 7084 -- Ogden Nash 7085 % 7086 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7087 % 7088 A modem is a baudy house. 7089 % 7090 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7091 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7092 -- Goldsmith 7093 % 7094 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 7095 many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 7096 the police. 7097 -- Mr. Dooley 7098 % 7099 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7100 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7101 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7102 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7103 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7104 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7105 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7106 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7107 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7108 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7109 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7110 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7111 language?" 7112 % 7113 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7114 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7115 -- Frost 7116 % 7117 A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7118 % 7119 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7120 % 7121 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7122 % 7123 A musician, an artist, an architect: 7124 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7125 -- William Blake 7126 % 7127 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7128 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7129 % 7130 A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. 7131 -- Gore Vidal 7132 % 7133 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7134 -- Gore Vidal 7135 % 7136 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7137 % 7138 A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7139 will be to us a national blessing. 7140 -- Alexander Hamilton 7141 % 7142 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7143 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7144 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7145 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7146 % 7147 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7148 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7149 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7150 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 7151 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7152 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7153 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7154 % 7155 A new koan: 7156 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7157 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7158 It is an ice cream koan. 7159 % 7160 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7161 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7162 now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7163 % 7164 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7165 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7166 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7167 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7168 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7169 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7170 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7171 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7172 % 7173 A New Way of Taking Pills 7174 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7175 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7176 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7177 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7178 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7179 % 7180 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 7181 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 7182 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 7183 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 7184 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 7185 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 7186 you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 7187 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7188 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 7189 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7190 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 7191 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7192 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 7193 to his death. 7194 "DUMB YANKEE." 7195 % 7196 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 7197 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned 7198 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 7199 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 7200 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 7201 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 7202 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 7203 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 7204 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 7205 gallon or two." 7206 % 7207 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7208 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7209 % 7210 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7211 -- Yogi Berra 7212 % 7213 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be 7214 passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. 7215 -- J.K. Galbraith 7216 % 7217 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 7218 -- Phyllis Schlafly 7219 % 7220 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 7221 documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 7222 one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 7223 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 7224 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 7225 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 7226 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 7227 He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 7228 within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 7229 he has entered the mystery of Tao." 7230 % 7231 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7232 7233 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7234 7235 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7236 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7237 before replying. 7238 7239 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7240 7241 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7242 enlightenment, several years later. 7243 7244 Commentary: 7245 7246 His Master is kind, 7247 Answering his FAQ quickly, 7248 With thought and sarcasm. 7249 % 7250 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7251 % 7252 A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7253 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7254 % 7255 A Parable of Modern Research: 7256 7257 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7258 brightly lit corner. 7259 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7260 "I can only see here." 7261 % 7262 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7263 -- William S. Burroughs 7264 % 7265 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 7266 % 7267 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7268 -- Gloria Steinem 7269 % 7270 A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7271 % 7272 "A penny for your thoughts?" 7273 "A dollar for your death." 7274 -- The Odd Couple 7275 % 7276 A penny saved has not been spent. 7277 % 7278 A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7279 % 7280 A penny saved is ridiculous. 7281 % 7282 A penny saved kills your career in government. 7283 % 7284 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7285 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7286 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7287 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7288 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7289 -- Anatole France 7290 % 7291 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 7292 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 7293 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 7294 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 7295 -- Thackeray 7296 % 7297 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7298 % 7299 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7300 % 7301 A person who has both feet planted firmly 7302 in the air can be safely called a liberal. 7303 % 7304 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7305 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7306 % 7307 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7308 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7309 -- Donald Knuth 7310 % 7311 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7312 -- Elbert Hubbard 7313 % 7314 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. 7315 -- George Wald 7316 % 7317 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7318 gets out and goes into the office. 7319 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7320 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7321 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7322 check." 7323 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7324 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7325 acceptable. 7326 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7327 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7328 check," he says. 7329 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7330 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7331 "we're building a house". 7332 % 7333 A pig is a jolly companion, 7334 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7335 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7336 Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7337 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7338 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7339 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7340 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7341 You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7342 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7343 % 7344 A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7345 and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7346 % 7347 A place for everything and everything in its place. 7348 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7349 7350 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7351 referring to memory management system services.] 7352 % 7353 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7354 -- Stanley Baldwin 7355 % 7356 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7357 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7358 edible nutriments. 7359 % 7360 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7361 % 7362 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7363 % 7364 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7365 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7366 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7367 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7368 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7369 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7370 the teller says. 7371 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7372 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7373 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7374 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7375 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7376 paycheck?" 7377 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7378 % 7379 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7380 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7381 -- Jean Paul Sartre 7382 % 7383 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7384 -- Walt Kelly 7385 % 7386 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7387 % 7388 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7389 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7390 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7391 -- Lazarus Long 7392 % 7393 A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7394 -- K. Brecher 7395 % 7396 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7397 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7398 of yours to press against my heart. 7399 -- Goethe 7400 % 7401 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 7402 % 7403 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7404 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7405 % 7406 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7407 7408 And the Master answered: 7409 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7410 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7411 7412 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City 7413 to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns 7414 have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7415 7416 And that is Fate? said the priest. 7417 7418 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7419 7420 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 7421 what Freight was too. 7422 -- Kehlog Albran 7423 % 7424 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7425 -- George Eliot 7426 % 7427 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7428 asks you not to kill him. 7429 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7430 % 7431 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7432 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7433 % 7434 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7435 % 7436 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7437 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7438 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7439 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7440 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7441 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7442 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7443 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7444 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7445 % 7446 A programming language is low level 7447 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7448 % 7449 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7450 drink with -- even if he drank. 7451 -- Mencken 7452 % 7453 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7454 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7455 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7456 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7457 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7458 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7459 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7460 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7461 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7462 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7463 % 7464 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 7465 getting more sex than you are. 7466 -- Victor Lownes 7467 % 7468 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7469 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7470 -- Aristotle 7471 % 7472 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7473 your wife asks you for nothing. 7474 -- Joey Adams 7475 % 7476 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7477 your wife will give you for free. 7478 % 7479 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7480 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7481 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7482 to make a travesty of the game. 7483 -- Donald A. Metz 7484 % 7485 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 7486 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 7487 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 7488 Bishop." 7489 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 7490 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 7491 might be made an Archbishop." 7492 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 7493 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 7494 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 7495 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could 7496 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 7497 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 7498 up from being the Pope?" 7499 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 7500 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 7501 % 7502 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7503 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7504 -- Steel City News 7505 % 7506 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7507 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7508 -- Saul Alinsky 7509 % 7510 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7511 his neighbour notice it. 7512 -- Trygve Lie 7513 % 7514 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 7515 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 7516 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 7517 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 7518 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 7519 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 7520 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 7521 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 7522 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 7523 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 7524 % 7525 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7526 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7527 % 7528 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7529 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. 7530 % 7531 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7532 ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7533 % 7534 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7535 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7536 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7537 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7538 % 7539 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7540 people what to do with their money. 7541 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7542 % 7543 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7544 -- Ramsey Clark 7545 % 7546 A robin redbreast in a cage 7547 Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7548 -- Blake 7549 % 7550 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7551 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7552 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7553 % 7554 A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7555 % 7556 A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7557 % 7558 A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7559 -- Publilius Syrus 7560 % 7561 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7562 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7563 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7564 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7565 -- Plutarch 7566 % 7567 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7568 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7569 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7570 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7571 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7572 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7573 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7574 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7575 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7576 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7577 she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother 7578 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7579 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7580 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7581 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7582 % 7583 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7584 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7585 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7586 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7587 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7588 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7589 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7590 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7591 true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7592 % 7593 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7594 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7595 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7596 % 7597 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7598 % 7599 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7600 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7601 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7602 7603 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7604 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7605 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7606 on Broadway". 7607 % 7608 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7609 vocation?" 7610 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7611 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7612 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7613 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7614 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7615 the vocation must fit the individual. 7616 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7617 scholar sobbed. 7618 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7619 % 7620 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7621 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7622 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7623 -- Max Planck 7624 % 7625 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7626 the vexation of thinking. 7627 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 7628 % 7629 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7630 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7631 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 7632 of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7633 7634 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7635 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7636 ground. 7637 -- J.W.N. Sullivan 7638 % 7639 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7640 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7641 worth committing. 7642 -- Samuel Butler 7643 % 7644 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7645 -- Don Marquis 7646 % 7647 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7648 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7649 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7650 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7651 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7652 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7653 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7654 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7655 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7656 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7657 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7658 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7659 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7660 % 7661 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7662 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7663 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7664 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7665 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7666 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7667 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7668 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7669 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7670 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7671 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7672 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7673 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7674 % 7675 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7676 % 7677 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7678 -- Prof. Steiner 7679 % 7680 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7681 -- Joseph Stalin 7682 % 7683 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7684 All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7685 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7686 One perfect rose. 7687 7688 I knew the language of the floweret; 7689 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7690 Love long has taken for his amulet 7691 One perfect rose. 7692 7693 Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7694 One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7695 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7696 One perfect rose. 7697 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7698 % 7699 A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7700 -- Donald Kaul 7701 % 7702 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7703 % 7704 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7705 % 7706 A snake lurks in the grass. 7707 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7708 % 7709 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7710 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7711 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7712 % 7713 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7714 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7715 which is on its way out. 7716 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7717 % 7718 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7719 -- Proverbs 15:1 7720 % 7721 A soft drink turneth away company. 7722 % 7723 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 7724 that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 7725 -- Mark Twain 7726 % 7727 A song in time is worth a dime. 7728 % 7729 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7730 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7731 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7732 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7733 "How are you?" they ask. 7734 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7735 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7736 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7737 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7738 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7739 dollars." 7740 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7741 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7742 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7743 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7744 "Where's Old Blue?" 7745 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7746 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7747 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7748 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7749 years?'" 7750 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7751 % 7752 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7753 % 7754 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7755 -- Harry S. Truman 7756 % 7757 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7758 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7759 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7760 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7761 % 7762 A stitch in time saves nine. 7763 % 7764 "...A strange enigma is man!" 7765 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 7766 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 7767 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 7768 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 7769 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 7770 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 7771 the statistician." 7772 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 7773 % 7774 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7775 % 7776 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7777 -- O'Henry 7778 % 7779 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7780 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7781 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7782 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7783 the student with a stick. 7784 % 7785 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7786 % 7787 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 7788 % 7789 A successful tool is one that was used to do something 7790 undreamed of by its author. 7791 -- S.C. Johnson 7792 % 7793 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7794 thought of. 7795 -- Burt Bacharach 7796 % 7797 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7798 -- by Charles Dickens 7799 7800 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7801 7802 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7803 -- by Franz Kafka 7804 7805 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7806 7807 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7808 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien 7809 7810 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7811 7812 Hamlet LITE(tm) 7813 -- by Wm. Shakespeare 7814 7815 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7816 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7817 % 7818 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7819 -- by Charles Dickens 7820 7821 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7822 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7823 lady who knits. 7824 7825 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7826 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 7827 7828 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7829 feels guilty and apologizes. 7830 7831 The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7832 -- by Homer 7833 7834 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7835 % 7836 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7837 % 7838 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7839 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7840 % 7841 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7842 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7843 *Boston*." 7844 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7845 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7846 help?" 7847 % 7848 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7849 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." 7850 % 7851 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 7852 but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7853 -- Ambrose Bierce 7854 % 7855 A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7856 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7857 % 7858 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7859 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7860 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7861 sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7862 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7863 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7864 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7865 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7866 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 7867 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7868 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7869 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7870 Saved my life." 7871 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7872 three wooden legs?" 7873 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7874 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7875 % 7876 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7877 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7878 -- Shaw 7879 % 7880 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7881 % 7882 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7883 % 7884 A truth that's told with bad intent 7885 Beats all the lies you can invent. 7886 -- William Blake 7887 % 7888 A university is what a college becomes 7889 when the faculty loses interest in students. 7890 -- John Ciardi 7891 % 7892 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7893 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7894 -- Tennessee Williams 7895 % 7896 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7897 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7898 % 7899 A violent man will die a violent death. 7900 -- Lao Tsu 7901 % 7902 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7903 % 7904 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 7905 % 7906 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 7907 % 7908 A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 7909 -- Ziggy 7910 % 7911 A watched clock never boils. 7912 % 7913 A well adjusted person is one who makes 7914 the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 7915 % 7916 A well-known friend is a treasure. 7917 % 7918 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 7919 A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. 7920 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 7921 Software rots if not used. 7922 7923 These are great mysteries. 7924 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 7925 % 7926 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 7927 -- Addison 7928 % 7929 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 7930 *for the rest of your life*. 7931 -- Jim Samuels 7932 % 7933 A wise man can see more from a mountain top 7934 than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 7935 % 7936 A wise man can see more from the bottom 7937 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 7938 % 7939 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 7940 -- Chinese proverb 7941 % 7942 A witty saying proves nothing. 7943 -- Voltaire 7944 % 7945 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 7946 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 7947 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 7948 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 7949 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 7950 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 7951 near your person at all times. 7952 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 7953 % 7954 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 7955 were quite a struggle. 7956 -- Edna Ferber 7957 % 7958 A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 7959 % 7960 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 7961 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 7962 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 7963 % 7964 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 7965 -- Scott 7966 % 7967 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 7968 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 7969 -- Jane Austen 7970 % 7971 A woman forgives the audacity of which 7972 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 7973 -- LeSage 7974 % 7975 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 7976 thankful for a good one. 7977 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 7978 % 7979 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 7980 she follows. 7981 -- Chamfort 7982 % 7983 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 7984 endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 7985 -- Nietzsche 7986 % 7987 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 7988 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 7989 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 7990 -- Stendhal 7991 % 7992 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 7993 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 7994 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 7995 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 7996 % 7997 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 7998 -- Maurine Lewis 7999 % 8000 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8001 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8002 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8003 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8004 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8005 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8006 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8007 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8008 the circumstances. 8009 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8010 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8011 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8012 his head!" 8013 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8014 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8015 surprise for you!" 8016 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8017 % 8018 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8019 -- Gloria Steinem 8020 % 8021 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8022 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8023 % 8024 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8025 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8026 % 8027 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8028 % 8029 A word to the wise is enough. 8030 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8031 % 8032 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8033 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8034 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8035 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8036 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8037 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8038 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8039 % 8040 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8041 what he writes fiction. 8042 -- William Faulkner 8043 % 8044 A yawn is a silent shout. 8045 -- G.K. Chesterton 8046 % 8047 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8048 % 8049 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8050 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8051 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8052 % 8053 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8054 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8055 have that!" she gushed. 8056 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8057 window and grabbing the ring. 8058 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8059 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8060 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8061 the coat. 8062 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8063 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8064 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8065 % 8066 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8067 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8068 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8069 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8070 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8071 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8072 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8073 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8074 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8075 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8076 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8077 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8078 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8079 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8080 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8081 of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8082 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8083 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8084 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8085 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8086 terrific weekend." 8087 % 8088 A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8089 8090 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8091 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8092 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8093 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8094 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8095 A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8096 % 8097 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 8098 % 8099 AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8100 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8101 % 8102 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8103 % 8104 Abbott's Admonitions: 8105 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8106 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8107 the question. 8108 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8109 % 8110 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8111 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8112 % 8113 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8114 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8115 And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8116 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8117 An angel writing in a book of gold. 8118 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8119 And to the presence in the room he said, 8120 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8121 And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8122 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8123 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8124 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8125 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8126 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8127 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8128 It came again with a great wakening light, 8129 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8130 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8131 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8132 % 8133 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8134 % 8135 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8136 % 8137 About the only thing we have left that actually 8138 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8139 % 8140 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8141 -- Herbert Hoover 8142 % 8143 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8144 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8145 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8146 % 8147 Above all else - sky. 8148 % 8149 Above all things, reverence yourself. 8150 % 8151 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8152 % 8153 ABSCOND: 8154 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside 8155 of a dying relative and miss the return train. 8156 % 8157 abscond, v: 8158 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8159 and miss the return train. 8160 % 8161 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8162 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8163 -- La Rochefoucauld 8164 % 8165 Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8166 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8167 -- Hannah More 8168 % 8169 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8170 it enkindles the great. 8171 % 8172 Absence makes the heart forget. 8173 % 8174 Absence makes the heart go wander. 8175 % 8176 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8177 -- Sextus Aurelius 8178 % 8179 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8180 % 8181 Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8182 % 8183 ABSENT: 8184 Exposed to the attacks of friends and 8185 acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 8186 % 8187 ABSENTEE: 8188 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8189 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. 8190 % 8191 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 8192 % 8193 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8194 -- Stafford Beer 8195 % 8196 ABSTAINER: 8197 A weak person who yields to the 8198 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8199 % 8200 Abstract: 8201 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8202 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8203 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8204 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8205 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8206 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8207 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8208 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8209 immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8210 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8211 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8212 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8213 % 8214 ABSURDITY: 8215 A statement or belief manifestly 8216 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8217 % 8218 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8219 because the stakes are so low. 8220 -- Wallace Sayre 8221 % 8222 Academicians care, that's who. 8223 % 8224 ACADEMY: 8225 A modern school where football is taught. 8226 INSTITUTE: 8227 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8228 % 8229 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8230 % 8231 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8232 % 8233 ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8234 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8235 % 8236 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8237 religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic 8238 of Western science. 8239 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8240 % 8241 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8242 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 8243 Western science. 8244 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8245 % 8246 Accident: 8247 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8248 but absence of body is better. 8249 -- Foolish Dictionary 8250 % 8251 Accidentally Shot 8252 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8253 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8254 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8255 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8256 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8257 % 8258 Accidents cause History. 8259 8260 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8261 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8262 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8263 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8264 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8265 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8266 % 8267 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8268 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8269 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8270 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8271 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8272 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8273 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8274 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8275 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8276 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8277 sheepish grin" comes from. 8278 % 8279 According to all the latest reports, 8280 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8281 % 8282 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8283 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8284 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8285 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8286 the returns." 8287 % 8288 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8289 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8290 and a void. 8291 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8292 % 8293 According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8294 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8295 % 8296 According to the latest official figures, 8297 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8298 % 8299 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8300 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8301 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8302 beat up their city anytime. 8303 -- David Letterman 8304 % 8305 ACCORDION: 8306 A bagpipe with pleats. 8307 % 8308 ACCURACY: 8309 The vice of being right. 8310 % 8311 Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8312 % 8313 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8314 % 8315 Acquaintance, n: 8316 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8317 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8318 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8319 -- Ambrose Bierce 8320 % 8321 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8322 % 8323 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8324 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8325 well, I think of my sex life. 8326 -- Glenda Jackson 8327 % 8328 Actor Real Name 8329 8330 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8331 Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8332 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8333 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8334 John Wayne Marion Morrison 8335 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8336 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 8337 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8338 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8339 % 8340 Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8341 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8342 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8343 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8344 % 8345 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8346 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 8347 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8348 % 8349 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8350 % 8351 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8352 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8353 8354 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 8355 only have one floor to go to. 8356 8357 Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8358 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8359 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8360 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8361 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8362 QED. 8363 % 8364 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8365 % 8366 ADA: 8367 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8368 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8369 an ADA awareness. 8370 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8371 % 8372 ADA: 8373 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. 8374 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." 8375 % 8376 ADA, n.: 8377 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8378 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 8379 awareness." 8380 % 8381 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8382 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8383 -- Ovid 8384 % 8385 Adding features does not necessarily increase 8386 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8387 % 8388 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8389 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" 8390 8391 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8392 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8393 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8394 -- George Washington, 1732-1799 8395 % 8396 Adding sound to movies would be like 8397 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8398 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 8399 % 8400 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8401 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8402 decorous age. 8403 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8404 % 8405 Adler's Distinction: 8406 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8407 and from the bureaucrats. 8408 % 8409 ADMIRATION: 8410 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8411 % 8412 ADOLESCENCE: 8413 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8414 % 8415 ADORE: 8416 To venerate expectantly. 8417 % 8418 ADULT: 8419 One old enough to know better. 8420 % 8421 Adults die young. 8422 % 8423 Advancement in position. 8424 % 8425 Advertisements contain the only 8426 truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8427 -- Thomas Jefferson 8428 % 8429 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8430 -- George Orwell 8431 % 8432 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8433 intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8434 % 8435 Advertising Rule: 8436 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8437 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8438 that it is curable. 8439 % 8440 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8441 % 8442 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8443 % 8444 African violet: Such worth is rare 8445 Apple blossom: Preference 8446 Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8447 Bay leaf: I change but in death 8448 Camelia: Reflected loveliness 8449 Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8450 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8451 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8452 Clover: Be mine 8453 Crocus: Abuse not 8454 Daffodil: Innocence 8455 Forget-me-not: True love 8456 Fuchsia: Fast 8457 Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8458 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8459 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8460 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 8461 Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8462 Lilac: Youthful innocence 8463 Lilly: Purity, sweetness 8464 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 8465 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8466 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8467 % 8468 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8469 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8470 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8471 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8472 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8473 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8474 especially that which is prohibited. 8475 -- Newton Minow, 8476 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 8477 % 8478 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8479 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8480 more advanced than the lichen family. 8481 -- Dave Barry 8482 % 8483 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8484 % 8485 After a while you learn the subtle difference 8486 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8487 And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8488 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8489 And presents aren't promises 8490 And you begin to accept your defeats 8491 With your head up and your eyes open, 8492 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8493 And you learn to build all your roads 8494 On today because tomorrow's ground 8495 Is too uncertain. And futures have 8496 A way of falling down in midflight, 8497 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8498 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8499 For someone to bring you flowers. 8500 And you learn that you really can endure... 8501 That you really are strong, 8502 And you really do have worth 8503 And you learn and learn 8504 With every goodbye you learn. 8505 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8506 % 8507 After all, all he did was string together 8508 a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8509 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8510 % 8511 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8512 % 8513 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8514 -- Jean Giraudoux 8515 % 8516 After all my erstwhile dear, 8517 My no longer cherished, 8518 Need we say it was not love, 8519 Just because it perished? 8520 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8521 % 8522 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8523 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8524 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8525 -- P.J. O'Rourke 8526 % 8527 After an instrument has been assembled, 8528 extra components will be found on the bench. 8529 % 8530 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8531 month than you did before. 8532 % 8533 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8534 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8535 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8536 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8537 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8538 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8539 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8540 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8541 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8542 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8543 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8544 that it sinks like a stone. 8545 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8546 % 8547 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 8548 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 8549 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 8550 to be created." 8551 "This is true," He replied. 8552 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 8553 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 8554 right to make his laws?" 8555 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 8556 his own." 8557 It was so granted. 8558 % 8559 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8560 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8561 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8562 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8563 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8564 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8565 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8566 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8567 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8568 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8569 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8570 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8571 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8572 % 8573 After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8574 but you believe everything. Just in case. 8575 % 8576 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8577 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8578 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8579 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8580 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8581 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8582 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8583 one foot in his mouth.) 8584 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8585 % 8586 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8587 -- Italian proverb 8588 % 8589 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8590 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8591 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8592 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8593 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8594 % 8595 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8596 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8597 % 8598 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8599 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8600 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8601 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8602 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8603 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8604 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8605 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8606 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8607 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8608 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8609 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8610 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8611 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8612 8613 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8614 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8615 Nobel Prize in 1923. 8616 % 8617 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8618 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8619 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8620 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8621 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8622 8623 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8624 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8625 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8626 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8627 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8628 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8629 oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8630 8631 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8632 straight to the point. 8633 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8634 % 8635 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8636 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8637 % 8638 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8639 % 8640 AFTERNOON: 8641 That part of the day we spend worrying 8642 about how we wasted the morning. 8643 % 8644 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8645 % 8646 Against Idleness and Mischief 8647 8648 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8649 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8650 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8651 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8652 8653 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8654 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8655 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8656 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8657 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 8658 % 8659 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8660 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8661 % 8662 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8663 % 8664 Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8665 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8666 % 8667 Agnes' Law: 8668 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8669 % 8670 Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8671 % 8672 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8673 Or what's a heaven for ? 8674 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8675 % 8676 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8677 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8678 And I answer them most mysteriously: 8679 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8680 -- Bob Dylan 8681 % 8682 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8683 % 8684 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8685 % 8686 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8687 % 8688 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8689 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8690 % 8691 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 8692 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 8693 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 8694 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 8695 % 8696 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8697 -- W. Clement Stone 8698 % 8699 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8700 -- The Mad Dogtender 8701 % 8702 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8703 bring me a message from a young man. 8704 -- Moms Mabley 8705 % 8706 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8707 Kansas City." 8708 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8709 been traded. 8710 % 8711 AIR: 8712 A nutritious substance supplied by 8713 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. 8714 -- Ambrose Bierce 8715 % 8716 Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8717 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8718 % 8719 Air is water with holes in it. 8720 % 8721 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8722 % 8723 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8724 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8725 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8726 % 8727 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8728 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8729 % 8730 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8731 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8732 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8733 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8734 % 8735 Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8736 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8737 % 8738 Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8739 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8740 % 8741 ALASKA: 8742 A prelude to "No." 8743 % 8744 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8745 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8746 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8747 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8748 -- Tom Robbins 8749 % 8750 ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8751 Social innovations tend to the level 8752 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8753 % 8754 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8755 The surest poison is time. 8756 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8757 % 8758 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8759 -- George Bernard Shaw 8760 % 8761 Alden's Laws: 8762 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8763 of pregnancy. 8764 2: Always be backlit. 8765 3: Sit down whenever possible. 8766 % 8767 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8768 Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8769 You take one down, and pass it around, 8770 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8771 % 8772 Alex Haley was adopted! 8773 % 8774 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8775 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8776 % 8777 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8778 the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8779 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8780 % 8781 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8782 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8783 % 8784 Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 8785 % 8786 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8787 important programming language yet developed. 8788 -- T. Cheatham 8789 % 8790 ALGORITHM: 8791 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8792 % 8793 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8794 % 8795 Alimony is a system by which, when two people 8796 make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. 8797 -- Peggy Joyce 8798 % 8799 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8800 -- Arthur Baer 8801 % 8802 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8803 -- Norman Mailer 8804 % 8805 Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8806 % 8807 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8808 % 8809 Alive without breath, 8810 As cold as death; 8811 Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8812 All in mail ever clinking. 8813 % 8814 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8815 % 8816 All art is but imitation of nature. 8817 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8818 % 8819 All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 8820 % 8821 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8822 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8823 Catiline", by Sallust 8824 % 8825 All constants are variables. 8826 % 8827 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8828 -- Chou En Lai 8829 % 8830 All flesh is grass. 8831 -- Isaiah 8832 Smoke a friend today. 8833 % 8834 All generalizations are false, including this one. 8835 -- Mark Twain 8836 % 8837 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8838 barely presentable. 8839 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8840 % 8841 All Gods were immortal. 8842 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8843 % 8844 All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8845 -- Young 8846 % 8847 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8848 % 8849 All heiresses are beautiful. 8850 -- John Dryden 8851 % 8852 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8853 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8854 -- Yoda 8855 % 8856 All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8857 -- Dante Alighieri 8858 % 8859 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8860 % 8861 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8862 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8863 -- Kingfish 8864 % 8865 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8866 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8867 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 8868 -- Samuel Beckett 8869 % 8870 All I need to have a good time, 8871 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8872 With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 8873 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8874 8875 All I want is to never grow old, 8876 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8877 I want 97 kilos already rolled, 8878 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8879 8880 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 8881 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8882 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 8883 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8884 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 8885 % 8886 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 8887 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 8888 % 8889 All intelligent species own cats. 8890 % 8891 All is fear in love and war. 8892 % 8893 All is well that ends well. 8894 -- John Heywood 8895 % 8896 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 8897 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 8898 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 8899 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 8900 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 8901 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 8902 % 8903 All kings is mostly rapscallions. 8904 --Mark Twain 8905 % 8906 All laws are simulations of reality. 8907 -- John C. Lilly 8908 % 8909 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 8910 -- Dawkins 8911 % 8912 All men have the right to wait in line. 8913 % 8914 All men know the utility of useful things; 8915 but they do not know the utility of futility. 8916 -- Chuang-tzu 8917 % 8918 All men profess honesty as long as they can. 8919 To believe all men honest would be folly. 8920 To believe none so is something worse. 8921 -- John Quincy Adams 8922 % 8923 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 8924 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 8925 Definitely a dog. 8926 % 8927 All most people ask of life is a constant 8928 and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 8929 % 8930 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 8931 % 8932 All my friends and I are crazy. 8933 That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 8934 % 8935 All my friends are getting married, 8936 Yes, they're all growing old, 8937 They're all staying home on the weekend, 8938 They're all doing what they're told. 8939 % 8940 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 8941 -- Jane Wagner 8942 % 8943 ALL NEW: 8944 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 8945 % 8946 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 8947 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 8948 % 8949 All of the animals except man know that 8950 the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 8951 % 8952 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 8953 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 8954 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 8955 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 8956 -- Stephen Wright 8957 % 8958 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 8959 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 8960 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 8961 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 8962 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 8963 % 8964 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 8965 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 8966 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 8967 not use a hammer. 8968 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 8969 % 8970 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 8971 -- Groucho Marx 8972 % 8973 All phone calls are obscene. 8974 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 8975 % 8976 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 8977 -- Susan Sontag 8978 % 8979 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 8980 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 8981 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 8982 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 8983 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 8984 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 8985 the last bug." 8986 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 8987 % 8988 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 8989 % 8990 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 8991 to live beyond its income. 8992 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 8993 % 8994 All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 8995 -- Ernest Rutherford 8996 % 8997 All seems condemned in the long run 8998 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 8999 -- James Martin 9000 % 9001 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9002 -- Saint Patrick 9003 % 9004 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9005 % 9006 All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9007 % 9008 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9009 % 9010 All that is gold does not glitter, 9011 Not all those who wander are lost; 9012 The old that is strong does not wither, 9013 Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9014 From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9015 A light from the shadows shall spring; 9016 Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9017 The crownless again shall be king. 9018 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 9019 % 9020 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, 9021 provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe 9022 to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct 9023 the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief 9024 Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you 9025 going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" 9026 -- Dave Barry 9027 % 9028 All the evidence concerning the universe 9029 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9030 % 9031 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9032 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9033 With all the words gone, They all had their day 9034 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9035 9036 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9037 And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9038 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9039 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9040 9041 It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9042 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9043 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9044 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9045 9046 I've read all the greats 9047 Both starving and fat, 9048 But none was as great as 9049 "I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9050 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9051 % 9052 All the men on my staff can type. 9053 -- Bella Abzug 9054 % 9055 ...all the modern inconveniences... 9056 -- Mark Twain 9057 % 9058 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9059 -- Grant Wood 9060 % 9061 All the simple programs have been written. 9062 % 9063 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9064 % 9065 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9066 -- Sean O'Casey 9067 % 9068 All the world's a VAX, 9069 And all the coders merely butchers; 9070 They have their exits and their entrails; 9071 And one int in his time plays many widths, 9072 His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 9073 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9074 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9075 And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9076 Unwillingly to school. 9077 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9078 % 9079 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9080 % 9081 All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9082 % 9083 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9084 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9085 % 9086 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9087 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9088 -- Henry Tyroon 9089 % 9090 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9091 % 9092 All warranty and guarantee clauses 9093 become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9094 % 9095 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9096 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9097 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9098 our lives." 9099 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9100 % 9101 All who joy would win Must share it -- 9102 Happiness was born a twin. 9103 -- Lord Byron 9104 % 9105 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9106 % 9107 Allen's Axiom: 9108 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9109 % 9110 Alliance, n: 9111 In international politics, the union of two thieves who 9112 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 9113 that they cannot safely plunder a third. 9114 -- Ambrose Bierce 9115 % 9116 All's well that ends. 9117 % 9118 Almost anything derogatory you could say 9119 about today's software design would be accurate. 9120 -- K.E. Iverson 9121 % 9122 ALONE: 9123 In bad company. 9124 % 9125 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9126 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9127 % 9128 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9129 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9130 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9131 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9132 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9133 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9134 found in baas. 9135 caaa, n: An automobile. 9136 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9137 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9138 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9139 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9140 computation. 9141 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9142 % 9143 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9144 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9145 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9146 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9147 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9148 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9149 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9150 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9151 % 9152 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9153 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9154 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9155 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9156 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9157 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9158 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9159 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9160 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical 9161 Gamekeeping." 9162 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 9163 % 9164 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9165 % 9166 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9167 -- Mark Twain 9168 % 9169 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9170 % 9171 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9172 % 9173 Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9174 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9175 % 9176 Always store beer in a dark place. 9177 % 9178 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9179 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9180 % 9181 Always there remain portions of our heart 9182 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9183 % 9184 Always think of something new; this 9185 helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9186 -- Seth Frankel 9187 % 9188 AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9189 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9190 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9191 % 9192 AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9193 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9194 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9195 % 9196 AMBIDEXTROUS: 9197 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9198 % 9199 AMBIGUITY: 9200 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9201 % 9202 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9203 -- Charlie McCarthy 9204 % 9205 Ambition, n: 9206 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9207 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9208 -- Ambrose Bierce 9209 % 9210 America: born free and taxed to death. 9211 % 9212 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9213 -- Oscar Wilde 9214 % 9215 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9216 -- Allen Ginsberg 9217 % 9218 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9219 and the scum rises to the top. 9220 -- Utah Phillips 9221 % 9222 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9223 -- President John F. Kennedy 9224 9225 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9226 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9227 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9228 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9229 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 9230 9231 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9232 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9233 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9234 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9235 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9236 by the majority they were at the time. 9237 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9238 % 9239 America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9240 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9241 % 9242 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9243 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9244 -- John O'Hara 9245 % 9246 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9247 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9248 name to "America". 9249 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9250 % 9251 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9252 % 9253 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees 9254 be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who 9255 are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room 9256 and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. 9257 -- Dave Barry 9258 % 9259 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9260 % 9261 American cars are made shoddily... 9262 Cars made overseas are far superior. 9263 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 9264 % 9265 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9266 we allow them short of hanging. 9267 -- Samuel Johnson 9268 9269 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9270 tail it knocks over a chair. 9271 -- Arnold Toynbee 9272 9273 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9274 everybody and still nobody likes him. 9275 -- Jim Samuels 9276 % 9277 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9278 % 9279 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9280 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9281 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9282 % 9283 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9284 % 9285 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9286 % 9287 AMOEBIT: 9288 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9289 and divide at the same time. 9290 % 9291 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9292 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. 9293 % 9294 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9295 % 9296 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9297 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9298 % 9299 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9300 -- Marlon Brando 9301 % 9302 An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9303 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. 9304 % 9305 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9306 % 9307 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9308 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9309 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9310 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9311 % 9312 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9313 -- Dylan Thomas 9314 % 9315 An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9316 -- D.E. Knuth 9317 % 9318 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9319 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9320 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 9321 % 9322 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9323 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9324 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9325 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9326 language. 9327 % 9328 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9329 -- A Chinese child 9330 % 9331 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9332 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9333 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9334 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9335 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9336 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9337 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9338 Bohr chuckled. 9339 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9340 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9341 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9342 % 9343 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9344 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9345 9346 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9347 get to work?" 9348 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9349 transportation everywhere." 9350 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9351 R: "We take the train." 9352 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9353 R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9354 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9355 R: "We take tanks." 9356 % 9357 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9358 the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9359 % 9360 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 9361 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 9362 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9363 -- David Letterman 9364 % 9365 An aphorism is never exactly true; 9366 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9367 -- Karl Kraus 9368 % 9369 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9370 him last. 9371 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9372 % 9373 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9374 % 9375 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9376 % 9377 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9378 -- Isaac Asimov 9379 % 9380 An attachment a la Plato 9381 for a bashful young potato 9382 or a, not too French, french bean 9383 must excite your languid spleen. 9384 For, if you walk down Picadilly 9385 with a poppy or lily 9386 in your medieval hand, 9387 every one will say, 9388 as you walk your flowery way; 9389 "If this young man is content, 9390 with a vegetable love 9391 which would certainly not content me. 9392 Why, what a very pure young man 9393 this pure young man must be!" 9394 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9395 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 9396 % 9397 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9398 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 9399 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9400 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9401 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9402 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9403 % 9404 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9405 % 9406 An economist is a man who would marry 9407 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9408 % 9409 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9410 -- Adlai Stevenson 9411 % 9412 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9413 % 9414 An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9415 itself equally in small as in great matters. 9416 -- W. Churchill 9417 % 9418 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9419 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9420 -- Homer Ferguson 9421 % 9422 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9423 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9424 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9425 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9426 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9427 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9428 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9429 I've already paid them half of it." 9430 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9431 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9432 % 9433 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9434 % 9435 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9436 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9437 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9438 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9439 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9440 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9441 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9442 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9443 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9444 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9445 % 9446 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9447 % 9448 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9449 -- A.P. Herbert 9450 % 9451 An evil mind is a great comfort. 9452 % 9453 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9454 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9455 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9456 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9457 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9458 excellence: 9459 9460 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9461 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9462 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9463 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9464 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9465 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9466 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9467 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9468 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9469 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9470 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9471 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9472 % 9473 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9474 picturesque liar. 9475 -- Mark Twain 9476 % 9477 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9478 very narrow field. 9479 -- Niels Bohr 9480 % 9481 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9482 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9483 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9484 % 9485 An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9486 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9487 % 9488 An eye in a blue face 9489 Saw an eye in a green face. 9490 "That eye is like this eye" 9491 Said the first eye, 9492 "But in low place, 9493 Not in high place." 9494 % 9495 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9496 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9497 A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9498 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9499 His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9500 Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9501 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9502 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9503 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9504 As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9505 He let go by the things of yesterday 9506 And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9507 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9508 Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9509 And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9510 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9511 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9512 That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9513 And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9514 Was he to study till his head wend round 9515 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9516 As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9517 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9518 Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9519 -- Chaucer 9520 [well, almost. Ed.] 9521 % 9522 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9523 -- Simon Cameron 9524 9525 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9526 bought they stay bought. 9527 -- Bill Moyers 9528 % 9529 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9530 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9531 % 9532 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9533 % 9534 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9535 -- Henry Ford 9536 % 9537 An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9538 % 9539 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 9540 is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9541 -- Konrad Adenauer 9542 % 9543 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9544 -- Albert Camus 9545 % 9546 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9547 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9548 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9549 by the corresponding row and column labels. 9550 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 9551 Intelligence" 9552 % 9553 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9554 -- Benjamin Franklin 9555 % 9556 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 9557 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 9558 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 9559 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 9560 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 9561 hour seems like a minute." 9562 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 9563 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 9564 -- Arthur Naiman 9565 % 9566 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9567 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9568 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9569 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9570 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9571 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9572 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9573 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9574 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of 9575 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9576 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9577 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9578 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9579 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9580 funeral." 9581 % 9582 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9583 -- Don Marquis 9584 % 9585 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9586 A pessimist is a married optimist. 9587 % 9588 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9589 % 9590 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9591 -- Michael Korda 9592 % 9593 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9594 -- Spanish proverb 9595 % 9596 Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 9597 but it's better than no government at all. 9598 % 9599 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9600 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9601 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9602 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9603 I've worried and worried and worried away. 9604 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9605 I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9606 9607 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9608 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9609 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9610 nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9611 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9612 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9613 9614 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9615 And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9616 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9617 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9618 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9619 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9620 % 9621 And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9622 Let our chant fill the void 9623 That others may know 9624 9625 In the land of the night 9626 The ship of the sun 9627 Is drawn by 9628 The grateful dead. 9629 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9630 % 9631 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 9632 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9633 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9634 provideth that they are nice and fresh.' 9635 -- Dave Barry 9636 % 9637 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 9638 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9639 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9640 provideth that they are nice and fresh." 9641 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 9642 % 9643 And did those feet, in ancient times, 9644 Walk upon England's mountains green? 9645 And was the Holy Lamb of God 9646 In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9647 And did the Countenance Divine 9648 Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9649 And was Jerusalem builded here 9650 Among these dark satanic mills? 9651 9652 Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9653 Bring me my arrows of desire! 9654 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9655 Bring me my chariot of fire! 9656 I shall not cease from mental fight, 9657 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9658 Till we have built Jerusalem 9659 In England's green and pleasant land. 9660 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9661 % 9662 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9663 % 9664 And ever has it been known that 9665 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9666 -- Kahlil Gibran 9667 % 9668 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9669 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9670 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9671 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9672 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9673 he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9674 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9675 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9676 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9677 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9678 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9679 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9680 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9681 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9682 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9683 them. No matter how small-ish!" 9684 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 9685 % 9686 And here I wait so patiently 9687 Waiting to find out what price 9688 You have to pay to get out of 9689 Going thru all of these things twice 9690 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9691 % 9692 And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9693 % 9694 And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 9695 "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 9696 % 9697 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9698 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9699 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9700 them, aren't braced against them. 9701 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9702 % 9703 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9704 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9705 Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9706 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9707 % 9708 And if California slides into the ocean, 9709 Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9710 I predict this motel will be standing, 9711 Until I've paid my bill. 9712 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9713 % 9714 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9715 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9716 % 9717 And if you wonder, 9718 What I am doing, 9719 As I am heading for the sink. 9720 I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9721 Along with half of my last drink. 9722 % 9723 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9724 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9725 -- Joan Baez 9726 % 9727 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9728 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9729 -- David Jones 9730 % 9731 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9732 -- A.E. Housman 9733 % 9734 And miles to go before I sleep. 9735 % 9736 And now for something completely the same. 9737 % 9738 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9739 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9740 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9741 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9742 9743 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9744 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9745 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9746 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9747 9748 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9749 And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9750 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9751 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9752 9753 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9754 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9755 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9756 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9757 hand... 9758 % 9759 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9760 % 9761 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9762 % 9763 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9764 Mama'd come to school 9765 and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9766 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9767 Got a good head if he'd apply it 9768 but you know yourself 9769 it's always somewhere else 9770 I'd build me a castle 9771 with dragons and kings 9772 and I'd ride off with them 9773 As I stood by my window 9774 and looked out on those 9775 Brooklyn roads 9776 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9777 % 9778 And so it was, later, 9779 As the miller told his tale, 9780 That her face, at first just ghostly, 9781 Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9782 -- Procol Harum 9783 % 9784 And that's the way it is... 9785 -- Walter Cronkite 9786 % 9787 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9788 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9789 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9790 clothes! He is naked!" 9791 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9792 % 9793 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9794 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9795 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9796 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9797 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9798 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9799 % 9800 And the silence came surging softly backwards 9801 When the plunging hooves were gone... 9802 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9803 % 9804 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9805 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9806 % 9807 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9808 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9809 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9810 in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9811 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9812 % 9813 And this is good old Boston, 9814 The home of the bean and the cod, 9815 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9816 And the Cabots talk only to God. 9817 % 9818 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9819 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9820 % 9821 And we heard him exclaim 9822 As he started to roam: 9823 "I'm a hologram, kids, 9824 please don't try this at home!'" 9825 -- Bob Violence 9826 % 9827 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9828 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9829 Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9830 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9831 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9832 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9833 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9834 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9835 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9836 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9837 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9838 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9839 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9840 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9841 % 9842 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9843 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9844 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9845 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9846 -- The Grateful Dead 9847 % 9848 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9849 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9850 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9851 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9852 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9853 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9854 -- Charles Dickens 9855 % 9856 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 9857 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 9858 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 9859 tragedy face to face, we have politics. 9860 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 9861 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 9862 % 9863 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 9864 because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 9865 % 9866 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 9867 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 9868 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 9869 he, earnestly. 9870 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 9871 % 9872 Andrea's Admonition: 9873 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 9874 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 9875 it isn't and he can. 9876 % 9877 ANDROPHOBIA: 9878 Fear of men. 9879 % 9880 Anger is momentary madness. 9881 -- Horace 9882 % 9883 Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 9884 % 9885 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 9886 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 9887 -- Lazarus Long 9888 % 9889 Ankh if you love Isis. 9890 % 9891 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 9892 9893 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 9894 9895 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 9896 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, 9897 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 9898 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 9899 think you can, and that's the point, right?) 9900 % 9901 ANOINT: 9902 To grease a king or other great 9903 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 9904 % 9905 Another day, another dollar. 9906 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 9907 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 9908 Reagan. 9909 % 9910 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 9911 % 9912 Another megabytes the dust. 9913 % 9914 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 9915 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and 9916 world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers 9917 whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. 9918 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" 9919 % 9920 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 9921 -- Pyrrhus 9922 % 9923 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 9924 -- Proverbs, 26:5 9925 % 9926 Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 9927 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 9928 corner of the workshop. 9929 9930 Corollary: 9931 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 9932 your toes. 9933 % 9934 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 9935 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 9936 % 9937 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 9938 % 9939 Antonio Antonio 9940 Was tired of living alonio 9941 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 9942 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio 9943 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 9944 In a bowery shade, 9945 Sitting and knitting alonio. 9946 Antonio Antonio 9947 Said if you will be my ownio 9948 I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio 9949 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 9950 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 9951 You singular fish 9952 Is that you will quickly begonio. 9953 Antonio Antonio 9954 Uttered a dismal moanio 9955 And went off and hid 9956 Or I'm told that he did 9957 in the Antarctical Zonio. 9958 % 9959 ANTONYM: 9960 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 9961 % 9962 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 9963 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 9964 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 9965 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 9966 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 9967 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 9968 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 9969 cars across Europe. 9970 % 9971 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 9972 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 9973 % 9974 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 9975 -- Charles McCabe 9976 % 9977 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 9978 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 9979 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 9980 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 9981 Is there a better way to die? 9982 -- Charles Lindbergh 9983 % 9984 Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 9985 -- Aesop 9986 % 9987 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 9988 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 9989 % 9990 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 9991 wise person to be able to sell it. 9992 % 9993 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 9994 how to lie well. 9995 -- Samuel Butler 9996 % 9997 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 9998 stupid. 9999 -- Hedy Lamarr 10000 % 10001 Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 10002 % 10003 Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10004 % 10005 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10006 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10007 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10008 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10009 true. 10010 -- Solomon Short 10011 % 10012 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10013 % 10014 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10015 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10016 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10017 requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10018 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10019 % 10020 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10021 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields 10022 % 10023 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10024 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10025 be deemed to be a cat. 10026 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10027 % 10028 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 10029 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 10030 qualified who is willing to accept the post." 10031 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 10032 can at least make a decision." 10033 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 10034 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 10035 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 10036 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 10037 % 10038 Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 10039 -- Sydney Harris 10040 % 10041 Any president should have the right to shoot 10042 at least two people a year without explanation. 10043 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10044 % 10045 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10046 -- Lazarus Long 10047 % 10048 Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10049 % 10050 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10051 % 10052 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain 10053 just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you 10054 cannot see the mountain. 10055 -- Bene Gesserit proverb 10056 % 10057 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10058 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10059 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10060 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10061 % 10062 Any small object that is accidentally 10063 dropped will hide under a larger object. 10064 % 10065 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 10066 % 10067 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10068 % 10069 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10070 -- Arthur Clarke 10071 % 10072 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10073 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10074 % 10075 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10076 % 10077 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10078 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10079 -- J.P. Morgan 10080 % 10081 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10082 organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10083 -- David Broder 10084 % 10085 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10086 sight of a police car is probably parked. 10087 % 10088 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10089 % 10090 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10091 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10092 and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10093 -- Aristotle 10094 % 10095 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10096 supposed to be doing. 10097 % 10098 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10099 -- Publilius Syrus 10100 % 10101 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the 10102 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10103 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10104 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10105 thought on every occasion." 10106 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10107 % 10108 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10109 % 10110 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 10111 At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, 10112 bathe and not make messes in the house. 10113 -- Lazarus Long 10114 % 10115 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10116 -- R. Heinlein 10117 % 10118 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10119 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10120 % 10121 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10122 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10123 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10124 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10125 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10126 % 10127 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10128 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10129 -- Mark Twain 10130 % 10131 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10132 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10133 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10134 % 10135 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 10136 should on no account be allowed to do the job. 10137 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 10138 % 10139 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10140 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10141 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10142 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10143 % 10144 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10145 -- Groucho Marx 10146 % 10147 Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10148 -- Emmett Grogan 10149 % 10150 Anything cut to length will be too short. 10151 % 10152 Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. 10153 % 10154 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10155 % 10156 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 10157 % 10158 Anything is possible on paper. 10159 -- Ron McAfee 10160 % 10161 Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10162 % 10163 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10164 The label means the price went up. 10165 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10166 means the price went way up. 10167 % 10168 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10169 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10170 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10171 % 10172 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10173 % 10174 Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 10175 % 10176 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10177 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10178 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10179 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10180 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10181 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10182 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10183 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10184 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10185 % 10186 Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10187 If you want to come, you're not invited. 10188 % 10189 APHASIA: 10190 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10191 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10192 % 10193 aphorism, n.: 10194 A concise, clever statement. 10195 afterism, n.: 10196 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10197 -- James Alexander Thom 10198 % 10199 APL hackers do it in the quad. 10200 % 10201 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10202 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10203 of coding bums. 10204 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10205 % 10206 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10207 ...and is best for educational purposes. 10208 -- A. Perlis 10209 % 10210 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10211 in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10212 -- Roy Keir 10213 % 10214 Appearances often are deceiving. 10215 -- Aesop 10216 % 10217 APPENDIX: 10218 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10219 % 10220 Applause, n: 10221 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10222 -- Ambrose Bierce 10223 % 10224 April is the cruellest month... 10225 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10226 % 10227 AQUADEXTROUS: 10228 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10229 faucet on and off with your toes. 10230 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 10231 % 10232 aquadextrous, adj.: 10233 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 10234 with your toes. 10235 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10236 % 10237 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10238 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10239 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10240 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10241 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10242 % 10243 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10244 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10245 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10246 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10247 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10248 % 10249 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10250 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10251 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10252 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10253 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10254 able to lend you a few bucks. 10255 % 10256 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10257 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10258 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10259 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10260 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10261 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10262 -- Peter Nelson 10263 % 10264 Are we not men? 10265 % 10266 Are we running light with overbyte? 10267 % 10268 Are Women Human? 10269 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10270 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10271 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10272 vote. 10273 % 10274 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10275 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10276 10277 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10278 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10279 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10280 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10281 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10282 Don't you know any better? 10283 How could you be so stupid? 10284 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10285 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10286 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10287 % 10288 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10289 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10290 10291 Do as I say, not as I do. 10292 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10293 What did you do *this* time? 10294 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10295 When I was your age... 10296 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10297 Think of all the starving children in India. 10298 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10299 I'm going to kill you. 10300 Way to go, clumsy. 10301 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10302 % 10303 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10304 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10305 10306 Go away. You bother me. 10307 Why? Because life is unfair. 10308 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10309 Children should be seen and not heard. 10310 You'll be the death of me. 10311 You'll understand when you're older. 10312 Because. 10313 Wipe that smile off your face. 10314 I don't believe you. 10315 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10316 Just because. 10317 % 10318 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10319 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10320 10321 Good children always obey. 10322 Quit acting so childish. 10323 Boys don't cry. 10324 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10325 Why do you have to know so much? 10326 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10327 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10328 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10329 Oh, grow up. 10330 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10331 % 10332 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10333 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10334 10335 When are you going to grow up? 10336 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10337 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10338 cry about. 10339 What's wrong with you? 10340 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10341 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10342 Don't you have any sense at all? 10343 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10344 Why? Because I said so. 10345 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10346 % 10347 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10348 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10349 10350 You wouldn't understand. 10351 You ask too many questions. 10352 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10353 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10354 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10355 up for yourself. 10356 You're acting too big for your britches. 10357 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10358 Wait till your father gets home. 10359 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10360 Shape up or ship out. 10361 % 10362 Are you making all this up as you go along? 10363 % 10364 "Are you police officers?" 10365 "No, ma'am. We're musicians." 10366 -- The Blues Brothers 10367 % 10368 Are you sure the back door is locked? 10369 % 10370 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10371 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10372 -- Monty Python 10373 % 10374 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 10375 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 10376 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 10377 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 10378 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 10379 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 10380 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 10381 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 10382 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? 10383 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 10384 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 10385 10386 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 10387 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 10388 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 10389 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 10390 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 10391 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 10392 % 10393 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10394 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10395 % 10396 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10397 in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10398 -- O. Wilde 10399 % 10400 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10401 % 10402 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10403 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10404 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10405 very nice. 10406 % 10407 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10408 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10409 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10410 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10411 % 10412 ARITHMETIC: 10413 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10414 the world's developed countries. 10415 % 10416 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10417 -- Mickey Mouse 10418 % 10419 ARMADILLO: 10420 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10421 % 10422 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10423 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10424 Union. 10425 -- P.J. O'Rourke 10426 % 10427 Armor's Axiom: 10428 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10429 % 10430 Armstrong's Collection Law: 10431 If the check is truly in the mail, 10432 it is surely made out to someone else. 10433 % 10434 Arnold's Addendum: 10435 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 10436 % 10437 Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10438 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10439 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10440 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10441 first two laws. 10442 % 10443 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10444 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10445 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10446 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10447 (He died in 1921.) 10448 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10449 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10450 fantasy... 10451 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10452 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10453 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10454 piece would be better known as: 10455 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10456 % 10457 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10458 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10459 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10460 % 10461 Art is a jealous mistress. 10462 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10463 % 10464 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10465 -- Picasso 10466 % 10467 Art is anything you can get away with. 10468 -- Marshall McLuhan. 10469 % 10470 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10471 -- Chazal 10472 % 10473 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10474 % 10475 Arthur's Laws of Love: 10476 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10477 remind them of someone else. 10478 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10479 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10480 of yourself in person. 10481 % 10482 Article the Third: 10483 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10484 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10485 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10486 Article the Fourth: 10487 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10488 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10489 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10490 Article the Fifth: 10491 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10492 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10493 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10494 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10495 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10496 % 10497 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10498 artificial flowers have to flowers. 10499 -- David Parnas 10500 % 10501 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10502 % 10503 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10504 % 10505 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10506 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted 10507 disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make 10508 jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 10509 -- Dave Barry 10510 % 10511 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10512 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10513 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10514 -- Matt Cartmill 10515 % 10516 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, 10517 and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a 10518 scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10519 -- M. Cartmill 10520 % 10521 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10522 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10523 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10524 glass. 10525 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10526 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10527 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10528 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10529 down in one gulp. 10530 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10531 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10532 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10533 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10534 % 10535 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10536 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10537 % 10538 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10539 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10540 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10541 -- Joseph Brodsky 10542 % 10543 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; 10544 and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10545 -- Einstein 10546 % 10547 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10548 -- Weisert 10549 % 10550 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10551 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10552 % 10553 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10554 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10555 -- Frederic Reynolds 10556 % 10557 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10558 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10559 -- J.F. Kennedy 10560 % 10561 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10562 % 10563 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10564 the potato salad. 10565 % 10566 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10567 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10568 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10569 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10570 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10571 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10572 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10573 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10574 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10575 -- Steve Allen 10576 % 10577 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10578 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10579 -- Jack Handey 10580 % 10581 As I thought, no better from this side. 10582 -- Eeyore 10583 % 10584 As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10585 Feeling worse and worser, 10586 There I met a C.R.T. 10587 And it drop't me a cursor. 10588 10589 C.R.T., C.R.T., 10590 Phosphors light on you! 10591 If I had fifty hours a day 10592 I'd spend them all at you. 10593 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10594 % 10595 As I was passing Project MAC, 10596 I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10597 Every hack had seven bugs; 10598 Every bug had seven manifestations; 10599 Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10600 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10601 How many losses at Project MAC? 10602 % 10603 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10604 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10605 The words were torn and tattered, 10606 From the storm the night before, 10607 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10608 10609 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10610 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10611 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10612 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10613 10614 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, 10615 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10616 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10617 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10618 % 10619 As in certain cults it is possible to 10620 kill a process if you know its true name. 10621 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10622 % 10623 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10624 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10625 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10626 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10627 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10628 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10629 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10630 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10631 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10632 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10633 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10634 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10635 on the austerity of the word. 10636 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10637 % 10638 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10639 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10640 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10641 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10642 talk like that. 10643 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 10644 % 10645 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10646 % 10647 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10648 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10649 The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10650 % 10651 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10652 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10653 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10654 % 10655 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10656 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10657 useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10658 10659 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10660 10661 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10662 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10663 3. Some people never look at me. 10664 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10665 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10666 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10667 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10668 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10669 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 10670 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 10671 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 10672 12. I cannot read or write. 10673 13. I am bored by thoughts of death. 10674 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 10675 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 10676 16. I am never startled by a fish. 10677 17. My mother's uncle was a good man. 10678 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 10679 19. People who break the law are wise guys. 10680 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10681 % 10682 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10683 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10684 useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10685 10686 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10687 10688 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10689 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10690 3. God is love. 10691 4. I like mannish children. 10692 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10693 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10694 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10695 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10696 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 10697 10. Frantic screams make me nervous. 10698 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10699 full of mice. 10700 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 10701 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 10702 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 10703 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 10704 16. My eyes are always cold. 10705 17. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10706 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10707 19. I am never startled by a fish. 10708 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10709 % 10710 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10711 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10712 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10713 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10714 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10715 Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10716 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10717 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10718 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10719 % 10720 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10721 Please update your programs. 10722 % 10723 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10724 Please update your programs. 10725 % 10726 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10727 % 10728 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10729 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10730 10731 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10732 10733 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10734 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10735 Keywords: C sources 10736 Distribution: na 10737 10738 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10739 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10740 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10741 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10742 10743 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10744 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10745 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10746 must be done? 10747 % 10748 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10749 a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10750 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10751 conversion to a new computer system. 10752 % 10753 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10754 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10755 Of society offenders who might well be underground 10756 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10757 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10758 % 10759 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10760 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10761 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10762 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10763 my own programs. 10764 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10765 % 10766 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10767 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10768 -- Woody Allen 10769 % 10770 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10771 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10772 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10773 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10774 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10775 efficient test cases will usually be available. 10776 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 10777 % 10778 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10779 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10780 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10781 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10782 divinity. 10783 -- Benjamin Franklin 10784 % 10785 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10786 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10787 % 10788 As Will Rogers would have said, 10789 "There is no such things as a free variable." 10790 % 10791 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10792 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10793 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10794 proper time for chocolate. 10795 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10796 % 10797 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10798 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10799 -- The Cowboy 10800 % 10801 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10802 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10803 % 10804 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10805 % 10806 ASCII: 10807 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10808 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10809 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10810 receive." 10811 -- Robb Russon 10812 % 10813 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10814 % 10815 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 10816 % 10817 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 10818 If God won't have you, the devil must. 10819 % 10820 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 10821 one went to Harvard). 10822 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 10823 % 10824 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 10825 will pay only the station-to-station rate. 10826 -- Howard Kandel 10827 % 10828 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... 10829 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 10830 % 10831 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 10832 -- J.J. Gibson 10833 % 10834 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 10835 -- John Stuart Mill 10836 % 10837 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 10838 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 10839 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 10840 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 10841 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 10842 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 10843 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 10844 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 10845 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 10846 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 10847 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 10848 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 10849 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 10850 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 10851 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 10852 -- Garrison Keillor 10853 % 10854 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 10855 lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 10856 -- Christopher Hampton 10857 % 10858 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 10859 and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 10860 -- D. Gries 10861 % 10862 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 10863 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 10864 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 10865 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 10866 -- Stanley Walker 10867 % 10868 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 10869 % 10870 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 10871 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 10872 % 10873 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 10874 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 10875 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 10876 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 10877 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 10878 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 10879 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 10880 a computer problem?" 10881 "Remember the twin paradox?" 10882 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 10883 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 10884 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 10885 computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 10886 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 10887 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 10888 10889 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 10890 % 10891 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 10892 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 10893 ignorance upon the shore. 10894 -- Kahlil Gibran 10895 % 10896 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 10897 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 10898 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 10899 than blinkers it. 10900 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 10901 % 10902 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 10903 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 10904 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 10905 % 10906 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 10907 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 10908 -- Strange de Jim 10909 % 10910 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 10911 -- J.B. White 10912 % 10913 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 10914 thumb with a hammer. 10915 -- Marshall Lumsden 10916 % 10917 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 10918 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 10919 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 10920 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 10921 after fact and reason. 10922 -- John Keats 10923 % 10924 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 10925 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 10926 -- H.R. Gumby 10927 % 10928 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 10929 and no further activities are scheduled. 10930 % 10931 At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 10932 The image of Providing Nourishment. 10933 Thus the superior man is careful of his words 10934 And temperate in eating and drinking. 10935 % 10936 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 10937 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 10938 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 10939 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 10940 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 10941 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 10942 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 10943 field on track. 10944 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 10945 % 10946 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 10947 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 10948 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 10949 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 10950 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 10951 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 10952 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 10953 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 10954 gently!" 10955 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 10956 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 10957 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 10958 guess who's going to die soon!" 10959 % 10960 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 10961 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 10962 % 10963 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 10964 -- Peter G. Alaquon 10965 % 10966 At times discretion should be thrown aside, 10967 and with the foolish we should play the fool. 10968 -- Menander 10969 % 10970 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 10971 number of pens that person is carrying. 10972 % 10973 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10974 % 10975 ATLANTA: 10976 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 10977 % 10978 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 10979 -- Winston Churchill 10980 % 10981 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 10982 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 10983 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 10984 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 10985 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 10986 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 10987 % 10988 AUCTION: 10989 A gyp off the old block. 10990 % 10991 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 10992 -- G.J. Danton 10993 % 10994 audiophile, n: 10995 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 10996 % 10997 Auribus teneo lupum. 10998 [I hold a wolf by the ears.] 10999 % 11000 AUTHENTIC: 11001 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11002 % 11003 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11004 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11005 % 11006 AUTOMOBILE: 11007 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 11008 % 11009 Avec! 11010 % 11011 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11012 % 11013 Avoid cliches like the plague. 11014 They're a dime a dozen. 11015 % 11016 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11017 % 11018 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11019 % 11020 Avoid reality at all costs. 11021 % 11022 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11023 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11024 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11025 % 11026 Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11027 % 11028 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11029 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11030 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11031 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11032 in 1959. 11033 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11034 bad fiction contest. 11035 % 11036 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 11037 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 11038 % 11039 BACCHUS: 11040 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11041 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11042 % 11043 BACHELOR: 11044 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11045 % 11046 BACHELOR: 11047 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11048 % 11049 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11050 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11051 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11052 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11053 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11054 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11055 Business before pleasure." 11056 % 11057 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11058 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11059 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11060 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11061 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11062 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11063 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11064 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11065 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11066 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11067 never really caught on. 11068 % 11069 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11070 uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11071 % 11072 BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11073 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11074 % 11075 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11076 % 11077 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11078 % 11079 Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11080 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11081 -- Socrates 11082 % 11083 Bagdikian's Observation: 11084 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11085 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. 11086 % 11087 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11088 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11089 % 11090 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11091 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11092 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11093 % 11094 BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11095 Fear of bullets; 11096 OTOPHOBIA: 11097 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11098 PECCATOPHOBIA: 11099 Fear of sinning. 11100 TAPHEPHOBIA: 11101 Fear of being buried alive. 11102 SITOPHOBIA: 11103 Fear of food. 11104 TRICHOPHOBIA: 11105 Fear of hair. 11106 VESTIPHOBIA: 11107 Fear of clothing. 11108 % 11109 BALTIMORE: 11110 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11111 % 11112 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11113 % 11114 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11115 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11116 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11117 % 11118 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11119 % 11120 Barach's Rule: 11121 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11122 % 11123 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11124 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11125 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11126 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11127 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11128 % 11129 Barker's Proof: 11130 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11131 % 11132 BAROMETER: 11133 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11134 what kind of weather we are having. 11135 % 11136 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11137 -- Tom Lehrer 11138 % 11139 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11140 -- Will Rogers 11141 % 11142 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. 11143 -- The Best of Will Rogers 11144 % 11145 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 11146 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 11147 11148 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 11149 (2) Advising the President. 11150 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 11151 -- David Letterman 11152 % 11153 BASIC: 11154 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases 11155 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11156 % 11157 Basic Definitions of Science: 11158 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11159 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11160 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11161 % 11162 Basic is a high level languish. 11163 % 11164 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11165 -- Seymour Papert 11166 % 11167 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11168 come in and sink my boats. 11169 -- Woody Allen 11170 % 11171 Batteries not included. 11172 % 11173 Battle, n: 11174 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11175 will not yield to the tongue. 11176 -- Ambrose Bierce 11177 % 11178 Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11179 will beat a psychopath to your door. 11180 % 11181 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11182 % 11183 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11184 % 11185 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11186 -- Homer 11187 % 11188 Be careful! Is it classified? 11189 % 11190 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11191 % 11192 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11193 situations that can't bear inspection. 11194 % 11195 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11196 -- Mark Twain 11197 % 11198 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11199 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11200 % 11201 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11202 % 11203 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11204 -- Derek Bok 11205 % 11206 Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11207 % 11208 Be cheerful while you are alive. 11209 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11210 % 11211 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11212 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11213 -- De Maintenon 11214 % 11215 Be different: conform. 11216 % 11217 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11218 the issue afterwards. 11219 % 11220 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11221 Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11222 % 11223 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11224 % 11225 Be independent. 11226 Insult a rich relative today. 11227 % 11228 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11229 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11230 % 11231 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11232 -- Wilson Mizner 11233 % 11234 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11235 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11236 % 11237 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11238 % 11239 Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11240 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11241 % 11242 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11243 and original in your work. 11244 -- Flaubert 11245 % 11246 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11247 % 11248 Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11249 % 11250 Be sociable. 11251 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11252 % 11253 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11254 % 11255 Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11256 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11257 -- John Lyly 11258 % 11259 Beam me up, Scotty! 11260 % 11261 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11262 % 11263 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11264 % 11265 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11266 % 11267 BEAUTY: 11268 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11269 % 11270 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11271 % 11272 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11273 % 11274 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11275 -- Jean Anouilh 11276 % 11277 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11278 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11279 -- John Keats 11280 % 11281 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11282 -- Redd Foxx 11283 % 11284 Because I do, 11285 Because I do not hope, 11286 Because I do not hope to survive 11287 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11288 Because I do, only do, 11289 I continue... 11290 -- T.S. Pynchon 11291 % 11292 Because the wine remembers. 11293 % 11294 Because we don't think about future generations, 11295 they will never forget us. 11296 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11297 % 11298 Been through hell? 11299 What did you bring back for me? 11300 % 11301 Been Transferred Lately? 11302 % 11303 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11304 % 11305 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11306 % 11307 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11308 -- Addison H. Hallock 11309 % 11310 Before destruction a man's heart is 11311 haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11312 -- Psalms 18:12 11313 % 11314 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11315 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11316 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11317 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11318 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11319 power of meddling. 11320 -- Joseph Conrad 11321 % 11322 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11323 % 11324 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11325 they are "Let's eat out." 11326 % 11327 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11328 % 11329 Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11330 you really want to know the answers. 11331 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11332 % 11333 Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11334 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11335 % 11336 Beggars should be no choosers. 11337 -- John Heywood 11338 % 11339 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11340 % 11341 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11342 % 11343 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11344 % 11345 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11346 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11347 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11348 basket!" 11349 -- Mark Twain 11350 % 11351 Behold the unborn foetus and 11352 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 11353 All life is sacred (save, of course, 11354 An enemy civilian). 11355 % 11356 Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11357 giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11358 % 11359 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11360 % 11361 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11362 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11363 opposite applies with the judges. 11364 -- Beyond the Fringe 11365 % 11366 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11367 since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11368 -- Conrad 11369 % 11370 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11371 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11372 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11373 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11374 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11375 % 11376 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11377 disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11378 % 11379 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11380 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11381 -- Eugene McCarthy 11382 % 11383 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11384 Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11385 -- Blake Clark 11386 % 11387 Being owned by someone used to be called 11388 slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11389 % 11390 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11391 % 11392 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very 11393 different from being stoned on gin. 11394 -- Ralph Nader 11395 % 11396 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11397 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11398 -- unnamed Justice Department official 11399 % 11400 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11401 % 11402 belief, n: 11403 Something you do not believe. 11404 % 11405 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11406 impossibly bad. 11407 -- Honore de Balzac 11408 % 11409 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. 11410 % 11411 Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11412 -- Luke Skywalker 11413 % 11414 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11415 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11416 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11417 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11418 % 11419 Benson's Dogma: 11420 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11421 % 11422 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11423 none of his friends like him either. 11424 -- Oscar Wilde 11425 % 11426 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11427 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11428 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11429 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11430 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11431 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11432 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11433 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11434 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11435 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11436 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11437 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11438 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11439 "The test or the room?" 11440 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11441 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11442 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11443 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11444 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11445 why?" 11446 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11447 -- House of God 11448 % 11449 Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11450 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11451 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11452 % 11453 Besides the device, the box should contain: 11454 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11455 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11456 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11457 11458 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 11459 11460 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 11461 and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get 11462 all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major 11463 transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." 11464 11465 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11466 -- Dave Barry 11467 % 11468 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11469 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11470 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11471 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11472 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11473 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11474 victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11475 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11476 % 11477 Best Mistakes In Films 11478 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11479 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11480 possible. 11481 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11482 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11483 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11484 with television aerials. 11485 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11486 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11487 in the background. 11488 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11489 clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11490 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11491 % 11492 Best of all is never to have been born. 11493 Second best is to die soon. 11494 % 11495 beta test, v: 11496 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11497 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11498 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11499 % 11500 Better by far you should forget and 11501 smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11502 -- Christina Rossetti 11503 % 11504 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11505 around while you have your life in such a mess. 11506 % 11507 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11508 % 11509 Better late than never. 11510 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11511 % 11512 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11513 % 11514 Better the prince of some inferior court, 11515 Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11516 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11517 % 11518 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11519 % 11520 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11521 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11522 % 11523 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11524 % 11525 Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11526 -- Jeff Cooper 11527 % 11528 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11529 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11530 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11531 pushing boulders into a single word. 11532 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11533 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11534 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11535 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11536 Parliament and Party. 11537 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11538 planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11539 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 11540 % 11541 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11542 % 11543 Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11544 -- G.H. Gonnet 11545 % 11546 Between the idea 11547 And the reality 11548 Between the motion 11549 And the act 11550 Falls the Shadow 11551 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11552 11553 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11554 referring to system service dispatching.] 11555 % 11556 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11557 % 11558 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11559 % 11560 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11561 % 11562 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11563 % 11564 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11565 a new wearer of clothes. 11566 -- Henry David Thoreau 11567 % 11568 Beware of Bigfoot! 11569 % 11570 Beware of bugs in the above code; 11571 I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 11572 -- D. Knuth 11573 % 11574 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11575 % 11576 Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11577 % 11578 Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11579 % 11580 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11581 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11582 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11583 -- St. Augustine 11584 % 11585 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11586 -- Leonard Brandwein 11587 % 11588 Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11589 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11590 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11591 % 11592 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11593 % 11594 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds 11595 himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous 11596 resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their 11597 ignorance the hard way." 11598 -- Kurt Vonnegut 11599 % 11600 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11601 is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11602 % 11603 Beware the new TTY code! 11604 % 11605 Beware the one behind you. 11606 % 11607 bi, n: 11608 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11609 % 11610 Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11611 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11612 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11613 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11614 % 11615 Big book, big bore. 11616 -- Callimachus 11617 % 11618 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11619 Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11620 Mighty nice! 11621 % 11622 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11623 % 11624 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11625 % 11626 Bilbo's First Law: 11627 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11628 % 11629 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11630 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. 11631 % 11632 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11633 generation to generation? 11634 Mom: Yes? 11635 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11636 % 11637 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11638 and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11639 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11640 % 11641 Bing's Rule: 11642 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11643 % 11644 Biology grows on you. 11645 % 11646 Biology is the only science in which 11647 multiplication means the same thing as division. 11648 % 11649 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11650 nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11651 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11652 % 11653 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11654 % 11655 birth, n: 11656 The first and direst of all disasters. 11657 -- Ambrose Bierce 11658 % 11659 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11660 % 11661 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11662 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11663 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11664 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11665 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11666 on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11667 -- Douglas Adams 11668 % 11669 bit, n: 11670 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11671 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11672 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11673 ago. 11674 % 11675 Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11676 Shower or suicide, what do I do? 11677 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 11678 % 11679 Biz is better. 11680 % 11681 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 11682 % 11683 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 11684 are involved in when they burn stores. 11685 -- Julius Lester 11686 % 11687 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 11688 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 11689 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 11690 They were just some of my tropical fish. 11691 11692 Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 11693 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 11694 Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 11695 Now I have many less tropical fish. 11696 11697 If you think that 11698 Fish are peaceful 11699 That's an empty wish. 11700 Just dump them together 11701 And leave them alone, 11702 And soon you will have -- no fish. 11703 -- To My Favorite Things 11704 % 11705 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 11706 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 11707 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 11708 She wants to hit those bricks, 11709 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 11710 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 11711 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 11712 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 11713 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 11714 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 11715 % 11716 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 11717 % 11718 Blessed are the forgetful: for they 11719 get the better even of their blunders. 11720 -- Nietzsche 11721 % 11722 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 11723 % 11724 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 11725 -- Herbert Hoover 11726 % 11727 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 11728 to say it. 11729 -- James Russell Lowell 11730 % 11731 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 11732 for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 11733 % 11734 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 11735 -- W.C. Bennett 11736 % 11737 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 11738 -- Alexander Pope 11739 % 11740 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 11741 for he shall enjoy living. 11742 -- W.C. Bennett 11743 % 11744 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 11745 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 11746 -- George Eliot 11747 % 11748 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 11749 -- David Nichols 11750 % 11751 blithwapping: 11752 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 11753 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 11754 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 11755 % 11756 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 11757 % 11758 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 11759 The judge's jokes are always funny. 11760 % 11761 Blow it out your ear. 11762 % 11763 Blue paint today. 11764 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 11765 % 11766 Blutarsky's Axiom: 11767 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 11768 % 11769 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 11770 % 11771 Boling's postulate: 11772 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 11773 % 11774 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 11775 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 11776 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 11777 % 11778 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 11779 seemed to come from Texas. 11780 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 11781 % 11782 Bondage maybe, discipline never! 11783 -- T.K. 11784 % 11785 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 11786 % 11787 Boob's Law: 11788 You always find something in the last place you look. 11789 % 11790 Booker's Law: 11791 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 11792 % 11793 Bore, n: 11794 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 11795 -- Ambrose Bierce 11796 % 11797 boss, n: 11798 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 11799 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 11800 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 11801 ornamental stud." 11802 % 11803 Boston: 11804 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 11805 % 11806 Boston: 11807 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports 11808 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 11809 % 11810 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 11811 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 11812 on the same communications line connection. 11813 -- Bell System Technical Reference 11814 % 11815 Boucher's Observation: 11816 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 11817 several octaves higher than originally written. 11818 % 11819 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 11820 -- Ralph Lewin 11821 % 11822 Bower's Law: 11823 Talent goes where the action is. 11824 % 11825 Bowie's Theorem: 11826 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 11827 % 11828 Boy! Eucalyptus! 11829 % 11830 Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 11831 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11832 Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11833 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11834 Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11835 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11836 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 11837 % 11838 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 11839 'Advanced Systems Development' group! 11840 % 11841 boy, n: 11842 A noise with dirt on it. 11843 % 11844 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 11845 % 11846 Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 11847 % 11848 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 11849 -- Kin Hubbard 11850 % 11851 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 11852 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 11853 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 11854 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 11855 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 11856 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 11857 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 11858 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 11859 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 11860 which is all the time. 11861 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 11862 % 11863 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 11864 an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 11865 anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 11866 `Constructive Snottiness.' 11867 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 11868 % 11869 Bradley's Bromide: 11870 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 11871 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 11872 % 11873 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 11874 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 11875 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 11876 have handled this?" 11877 % 11878 Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 11879 wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 11880 -- The Mahabharata 11881 % 11882 Brain fried -- core dumped 11883 % 11884 brain, n: 11885 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 11886 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11887 % 11888 brain, v: [as in "to brain"] 11889 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 11890 of error in an opponent. 11891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11892 % 11893 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 11894 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 11895 Multics, adj: 11896 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 11897 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 11898 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 11899 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 11900 % 11901 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 11902 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 11903 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 11904 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 11905 kept going, sliding safely into third base. 11906 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 11907 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 11908 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 11909 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 11910 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 11911 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 11912 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 11913 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 11914 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 11915 % 11916 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 11917 -- Charles Lamb 11918 % 11919 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 11920 -- Randy Goebel 11921 % 11922 Break into jail and claim police brutality. 11923 % 11924 Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 11925 Watch lights fade from every room. 11926 Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 11927 another day's useless energies spent. 11928 11929 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 11930 Lonely man cries for love and has none. 11931 New mother picks up and suckles her son. 11932 Senior citizens wish they were young. 11933 11934 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 11935 Removes the colors from our sight. 11936 Red is grey and yellow white. 11937 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 11938 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 11939 % 11940 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 11941 % 11942 bride, n: 11943 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 11944 % 11945 Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 11946 % 11947 briefcase, n: 11948 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 11949 % 11950 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 11951 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 11952 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 11953 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 11954 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 11955 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 11956 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 11957 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 11958 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 11959 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 11960 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 11961 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 11962 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 11963 -- A. Benjamin 11964 % 11965 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 11966 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 11967 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 11968 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 11969 11970 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 11971 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 11972 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 11973 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 11974 -- "The Jabberwock" 11975 % 11976 Bringing computers into the home won't change 11977 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 11978 % 11979 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 11980 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 11981 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 11982 brusque, your character. 11983 -- Jonathan Swift 11984 % 11985 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 11986 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 11987 -- Peter Ustinov 11988 % 11989 British Israelites: 11990 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 11991 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 11992 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 11993 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 11994 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 11995 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 11996 and take all your teeth. 11997 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11998 % 11999 broad-mindedness, n: 12000 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12001 % 12002 Brogan's Constant: 12003 People tend to congregate in the back 12004 of the church and the front of the bus. 12005 % 12006 brokee, n: 12007 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12008 % 12009 Brooke's Law: 12010 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12011 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12012 expands it beyond recognition. 12013 % 12014 BS: You remind me of a man. 12015 B: What man? 12016 BS: The man with the power. 12017 B: What power? 12018 BS: The power of voodoo. 12019 B: Voodoo? 12020 BS: You do. 12021 B: Do what? 12022 BS: Remind me of a man. 12023 B: What man? 12024 BS: The man with the power... 12025 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12026 % 12027 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12028 % 12029 Bucy's Law: 12030 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12031 % 12032 Bug: 12033 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12034 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends 12035 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12036 % 12037 bug, n: 12038 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12039 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12040 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12041 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12042 % 12043 Build a system that even a fool can use 12044 and only a fool will want to use it. 12045 % 12046 Building translators is good clean fun. 12047 -- T. Cheatham 12048 % 12049 Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. 12050 General: What does that make YOU? 12051 Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. 12052 % 12053 Bumper sticker: 12054 All the parts falling off this car are 12055 of the very finest British manufacture. 12056 % 12057 Bunker's Admonition: 12058 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12059 % 12060 BURBULATION: 12061 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12062 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12063 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12064 % 12065 Bureau Termination, Law of: 12066 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12067 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12068 12 months after the decision is made. 12069 % 12070 bureaucracy, n: 12071 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12072 % 12073 bureaucrat, n: 12074 A politician who has tenure. 12075 % 12076 Burke's Postulates: 12077 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12078 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12079 % 12080 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12081 -- Ken Weaver 12082 % 12083 Bus error -- driver executed. 12084 % 12085 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12086 % 12087 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12088 % 12089 Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12090 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12091 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12092 % 12093 Business will be either better or worse. 12094 -- Calvin Coolidge 12095 % 12096 ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 12097 proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 12098 to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 12099 were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 12100 unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 12101 in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 12102 the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 12103 there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 12104 of value. 12105 -- Ambrose Bierce 12106 % 12107 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12108 % 12109 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12110 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12111 % 12112 But has any little atom, 12113 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12114 Ever stopped to think or CARE 12115 That E = m c**2 ? 12116 % 12117 "But Huey, you PROMISED!" 12118 "Tell 'em I lied." 12119 % 12120 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12121 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12122 kill more than I could eat. 12123 -- Raoul Duke 12124 % 12125 But I don't like Spam!!!! 12126 % 12127 "But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12128 "Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12129 "But I'm feeling much better..." 12130 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12131 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12132 % 12133 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12134 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12135 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12136 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12137 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12138 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12139 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12140 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12141 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12142 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12143 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12144 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12145 arrogance down. 12146 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12147 % 12148 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 12149 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 12150 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 12151 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 12152 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 12153 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 12154 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 12155 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 12156 finite or an infinite number. 12157 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 12158 % 12159 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12160 nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12161 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12162 % 12163 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12164 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12165 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12166 -- Bruce Leverett, 12167 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12168 % 12169 But it does move! 12170 -- Galileo Galilei 12171 % 12172 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12173 % 12174 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12175 In proving foresight may be vain: 12176 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12177 Gang aft a-gley, 12178 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12179 For promised joy. 12180 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12181 % 12182 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12183 % 12184 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12185 % 12186 But scientists, who ought to know 12187 Assure us that it must be so. 12188 Oh, let us never, never doubt 12189 What nobody is sure about. 12190 -- Hilaire Belloc 12191 % 12192 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12193 % 12194 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12195 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12196 -- M. Proust 12197 % 12198 But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12199 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12200 But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12201 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12202 % 12203 But these pills can't be habit forming; 12204 I've been taking them for years. 12205 % 12206 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12207 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12208 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12209 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12210 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12211 Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12212 % 12213 But you shall not escape my iambics. 12214 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12215 % 12216 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12217 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12218 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12219 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12220 % 12221 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12222 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12223 Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12224 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12225 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12226 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12227 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12228 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12229 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12230 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12231 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12232 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12233 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12234 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12235 % 12236 buzzword, n: 12237 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12238 % 12239 By doing just a little every day, you can 12240 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12241 % 12242 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12243 % 12244 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12245 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12246 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12247 Fool's column. 12248 % 12249 By nature, men are nearly alike; 12250 by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12251 -- Confucius 12252 % 12253 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12254 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12255 as it is to invent. 12256 -- R. Emerson 12257 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12258 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12259 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12260 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12261 % 12262 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12263 -- Charles Spurgeon 12264 % 12265 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12266 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12267 % 12268 By the time you swear you're his, 12269 shivering and sighing 12270 and he vows his passion is 12271 infinite, undying -- 12272 Lady, make a note of this: 12273 One of you is lying. 12274 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12275 % 12276 By the yard, life is hard. 12277 By the inch, it's a cinch. 12278 % 12279 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12280 Another man's, I mean. 12281 -- Mark Twain 12282 % 12283 By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12284 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12285 -- Robert Frost 12286 % 12287 byob, v: 12288 Believing Your Own Bull 12289 % 12290 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12291 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12292 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12293 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12294 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12295 that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often 12296 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12297 they wanted to be. 12298 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 12299 % 12300 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12301 carefully print the chaff. 12302 % 12303 Byte your tongue. 12304 % 12305 C Code. 12306 C Code Run. 12307 Run, Code, RUN! 12308 PLEASE!!!! 12309 % 12310 C for yourself. 12311 % 12312 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12313 % 12314 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12315 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12316 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12317 % 12318 C, n: 12319 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12320 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12321 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12322 it isn't. 12323 -- Ray Simard 12324 % 12325 cabbage, n: 12326 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12327 a man's head. 12328 -- Ambrose Bierce 12329 % 12330 Cache: 12331 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12332 is supposed to know is there. 12333 % 12334 Cahn's Axiom: 12335 When all else fails, read the instructions. 12336 % 12337 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12338 -- Fred Allen 12339 % 12340 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12341 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12342 coffee. 12343 % 12344 Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12345 -- Indian proverb 12346 % 12347 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12348 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12349 damnation. 12350 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12351 Life of Hall" 12352 12353 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12354 referring to logical names.] 12355 % 12356 Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 12357 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 12358 % 12359 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12360 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12361 % 12362 Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 12363 % 12364 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12365 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12366 Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12367 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12368 % 12369 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12370 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12371 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12372 % 12373 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12374 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12375 % 12376 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12377 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12378 -- Clarence Darrow 12379 % 12380 Campbell's Law: 12381 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12382 % 12383 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12384 % 12385 Can anyone remember when the times 12386 were not hard, and money not scarce? 12387 % 12388 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12389 Yes, work never begun. 12390 % 12391 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12392 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12393 -- Robert J. Ringer 12394 % 12395 Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12396 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12397 12398 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12399 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12400 % 12401 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12402 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12403 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12404 % 12405 CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12406 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12407 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12408 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12409 when you're poor and unhappy. 12410 % 12411 Canonical, adj.: 12412 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12413 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12414 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12415 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12416 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12417 fashion without thinking. 12418 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12419 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12420 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12421 % 12422 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12423 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 12424 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12425 % 12426 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12427 % 12428 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. 12429 % 12430 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12431 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12432 -- John Maynard Keynes 12433 % 12434 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12435 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12436 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12437 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12438 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12439 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12440 % 12441 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12442 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12443 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12444 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12445 % 12446 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12447 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12448 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12449 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12450 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12451 % 12452 Captain Penny's Law: 12453 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12454 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12455 % 12456 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12457 % 12458 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12459 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12460 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12461 takes. 12462 % 12463 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12464 the name Craney incorrectly. 12465 -- Jim Canrey 12466 % 12467 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12468 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12469 the same can be said of dirt. 12470 % 12471 carperpetuation, n: 12472 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 12473 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 12474 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12475 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12476 % 12477 Carson's Consolation: 12478 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12479 It can always be used as a bad example. 12480 % 12481 Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12482 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12483 % 12484 Carswell's Corollary: 12485 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12486 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12487 % 12488 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12489 -- The Beach Boys 12490 % 12491 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12492 -- Howard Chaykin 12493 % 12494 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12495 % 12496 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12497 -- Garrison Keillor 12498 % 12499 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12500 a sled through the snow. 12501 % 12502 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12503 % 12504 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12505 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12506 % 12507 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12508 % 12509 Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12510 % 12511 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12512 % 12513 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12514 % 12515 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12516 % 12517 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12518 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12519 incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12520 -- Kelvin Throop III 12521 % 12522 Census Taker to Housewife: 12523 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12524 % 12525 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12526 % 12527 cerebral atrophy, n: 12528 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12529 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12530 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12531 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12532 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12533 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12534 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12535 12536 cerebral darwinism, n: 12537 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12538 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12539 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12540 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12541 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12542 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12543 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12544 performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12545 % 12546 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12547 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something 12548 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out 12549 of it? 12550 Jaka: Oooh. 12551 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 12552 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" 12553 % 12554 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 12555 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 12556 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 12557 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 12558 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 12559 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 12560 others who have tried it. 12561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12562 % 12563 12564 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 12565 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 12566 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 12567 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 12568 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 12569 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 12570 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 12571 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 12572 % 12573 Certainly the game is rigged. 12574 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 12575 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 12576 % 12577 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 12578 But it's very funny -- 12579 did you ever try buying them without money? 12580 -- Ogden Nash 12581 % 12582 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 12583 % 12584 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 12585 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 12586 % 12587 CF&C stole it, fair and square. 12588 -- Tim Hahn 12589 % 12590 Chairman of the Bored. 12591 % 12592 Chamberlain's Laws: 12593 1: The big guys always win. 12594 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 12595 % 12596 Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 12597 Ain't nobody's business but my own. 12598 -- Taj Mahal 12599 % 12600 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 12601 -- Anatole France 12602 % 12603 Change your thoughts and you change your world. 12604 % 12605 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 12606 -- Kathleen Norris 12607 % 12608 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 12609 % 12610 Chapter 1: 12611 The story so far: 12612 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made 12613 a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 12614 % 12615 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 12616 12617 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 12618 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 12619 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 12620 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 12621 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 12622 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 12623 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 12624 race in general. 12625 % 12626 character density, n.: 12627 The number of very weird people in the office. 12628 % 12629 Character is what you are in the dark! 12630 -- Lord John Whorfin 12631 % 12632 CHARITY: 12633 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 12634 % 12635 Charity begins at home. 12636 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 12637 % 12638 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 12639 Linus: To make others happy. 12640 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 12641 % 12642 Charlie was a chemist, 12643 But Charlie is no more. 12644 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 12645 % 12646 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 12647 without having asked any clear question. 12648 % 12649 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 12650 % 12651 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 12652 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 12653 % 12654 checkuary, n: 12655 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 12656 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 12657 % 12658 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 12659 % 12660 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 12661 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 12662 % 12663 Chef, n: 12664 Any cook who swears in French. 12665 % 12666 Cheit's Lament: 12667 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 12668 the next time he's in need. 12669 % 12670 CHEMICALS: 12671 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 12672 % 12673 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 12674 % 12675 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 12676 % 12677 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 12678 % 12679 Cheops' Law: 12680 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 12681 % 12682 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 12683 which way I ought to go from here?" 12684 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 12685 "I don't care much where--" said Alice. 12686 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 12687 % 12688 Chess tonight. 12689 % 12690 CHICAGO: 12691 Where the dead still vote... early and often! 12692 % 12693 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 12694 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 12695 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 12696 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 12697 % 12698 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 12699 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 12700 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 12701 cheerfully baste you. 12702 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 12703 % 12704 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 12705 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 12706 % 12707 Chicken Little was right. 12708 % 12709 Chicken Soup: 12710 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 12711 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 12712 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 12713 -- Arthur Naiman 12714 % 12715 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 12716 shivers when it's warm. 12717 % 12718 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 12719 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 12720 % 12721 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 12722 despite every effort to teach them good manners. 12723 % 12724 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 12725 going to catch you in next. 12726 -- Franklin P. Jones 12727 % 12728 Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 12729 And that's what parents were created for. 12730 -- Ogden Nash 12731 % 12732 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 12733 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 12734 -- Oscar Wilde 12735 % 12736 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 12737 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 12738 % 12739 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 12740 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 12741 % 12742 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 12743 % 12744 Chism's Law of Completion: 12745 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 12746 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 12747 % 12748 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 12749 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 12750 % 12751 Chocolate Chip. 12752 % 12753 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 12754 a friend if she were a man. 12755 -- Joubert 12756 % 12757 Chorus: 12758 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 12759 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 12760 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 12761 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 12762 She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 12763 And we begged her not to go. 12764 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 12765 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 12766 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 12767 And incriminating claus-marks on her 12768 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 12769 He's been taking this so well. 12770 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 12771 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 12772 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 12773 They should never give a license, 12774 To a man who drives a sleigh and 12775 plays with elves! 12776 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 12777 % 12778 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 12779 % 12780 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 12781 difficult and not tried. 12782 -- G.K. Chesterton 12783 % 12784 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 12785 -- George Bernard Shaw 12786 % 12787 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 12788 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 12789 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 12790 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 12791 12792 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 12793 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 12794 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 12795 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 12796 12797 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 12798 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 12799 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 12800 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 12801 Angels We Have Heard On High, 12802 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 12803 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 12804 Driving his reindeer across the sky, 12805 Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 12806 -- Tom Lehrer 12807 % 12808 Churchill's Commentary on Man: 12809 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 12810 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 12811 % 12812 CIGARETTE: 12813 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, 12814 and a bit of tobacco in between. 12815 % 12816 CINEMUCK: 12817 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate 12818 which covers the floors of movie theaters. 12819 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12820 % 12821 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 12822 -- Herodotus 12823 % 12824 Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 12825 -- Calvin Coolidge 12826 % 12827 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 12828 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 12829 % 12830 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 12831 -- Mark Twain 12832 % 12833 clairvoyant, n.: 12834 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 12835 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 12836 -- Ambrose Bierce 12837 % 12838 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 12839 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 12840 -- Samuel Johnson 12841 % 12842 Clarke's Conclusion: 12843 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 12844 % 12845 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 12846 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 12847 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 12848 % 12849 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 12850 leading the parade. 12851 -- Bill Battie 12852 % 12853 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 12854 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 12855 % 12856 Clay's Conclusion: 12857 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 12858 % 12859 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 12860 the walk before it stops snowing. 12861 -- Phyllis Diller 12862 12863 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 12864 the dirt doesn't get any worse. 12865 -- Quentin Crisp 12866 % 12867 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 12868 -- P.J. O'Rourke 12869 % 12870 Cleanliness is next to impossible. 12871 % 12872 CLEVELAND: 12873 Where their last tornado did six 12874 million dollars worth of improvements. 12875 % 12876 Cleveland? 12877 Yes, I spent a week there one day. 12878 % 12879 Climate and Surgery 12880 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 12881 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 12882 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 12883 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 12884 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 12885 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 12886 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 12887 % 12888 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 12889 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 12890 "Well, yes, I am." 12891 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 12892 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 12893 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 12894 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 12895 please?" it asked the bartender. 12896 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 12897 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 12898 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 12899 % 12900 clone, n: 12901 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 12902 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 12903 is a clone of our product." 12904 % 12905 Clones are people two. 12906 % 12907 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 12908 % 12909 Clothes make the man. 12910 Naked people have little or no influence on society. 12911 -- Mark Twain 12912 % 12913 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 12914 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 12915 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 12916 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 12917 % 12918 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 12919 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 12920 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 12921 12922 Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 12923 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 12924 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 12925 12926 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 12927 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 12928 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 12929 % 12930 Coach: How's it going, Norm? 12931 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 12932 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 12933 12934 Sam: What's up, Norm? 12935 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 12936 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 12937 12938 Coach: What's the story, Norm? 12939 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 12940 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 12941 % 12942 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 12943 Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 12944 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 12945 12946 Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 12947 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 12948 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 12949 12950 Sam: What will you have, Norm? 12951 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 12952 of whatever comes out of that tap. 12953 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 12954 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 12955 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 12956 % 12957 Coach: What's up, Norm? 12958 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 12959 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 12960 12961 Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 12962 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 12963 -- Cheers, Snow Job 12964 12965 Coach: Beer, Normie? 12966 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 12967 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 12968 -- Cheers, Snow Job 12969 % 12970 COBOL: 12971 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 12972 % 12973 COBOL: 12974 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 12975 % 12976 COBOL is for morons. 12977 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 12978 % 12979 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 12980 % 12981 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 12982 % 12983 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 12984 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 12985 % 12986 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 12987 I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 12988 -- Ambrose Bierce 12989 % 12990 Cohen's Law: 12991 There is no bottom to worse. 12992 % 12993 Cohn's Law: 12994 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 12995 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 12996 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 12997 % 12998 Coincidences are spiritual puns. 12999 -- G.K. Chesterton 13000 % 13001 COLD: 13002 When the politicians walk around 13003 with their hands in their own pockets. 13004 % 13005 Cold hands, no gloves. 13006 % 13007 Cole's Law: 13008 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13009 % 13010 COLLABORATION: 13011 A literary partnership based on the false 13012 assumption that the other fellow can spell. 13013 % 13014 COLLEGE: 13015 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13016 % 13017 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13018 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13019 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13020 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13021 loss to humanity. 13022 -- H.L. Mencken 13023 % 13024 COLORADO: 13025 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13026 % 13027 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13028 % 13029 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13030 13031 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 13032 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 13033 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 13034 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 13035 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 13036 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 13037 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 13038 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 13039 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 13040 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13041 13042 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13043 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13044 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13045 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13046 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13047 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13048 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13049 % 13050 Colvard's Logical Premises: 13051 All probabilities are 50%. 13052 Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13053 13054 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13055 This is especially true when 13056 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13057 13058 Grelb's Commentary: 13059 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13060 % 13061 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13062 And every vector dreams of matrices. 13063 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13064 It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13065 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13066 % 13067 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13068 Your winter garment of repentance fling. 13069 The bird of time has but a little way 13070 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13071 -- Omar Khayyam 13072 % 13073 Come home America. 13074 -- George McGovern, 1972 13075 % 13076 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13077 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13078 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13079 % 13080 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13081 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13082 Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13083 Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13084 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13085 % 13086 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13087 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13088 Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13089 Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13090 13091 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13092 And every vector dreams of matrices. 13093 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13094 It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13095 13096 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 13097 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 13098 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 13099 We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 13100 -- The Cyberiad 13101 % 13102 Come live with me, and be my love, 13103 And we will some new pleasures prove 13104 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13105 With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13106 -- John Donne 13107 % 13108 Come live with me and be my love, 13109 And we will some new pleasures prove 13110 Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13111 With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13112 There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13113 If you would be my POSSLQ. 13114 13115 You live with me, and I with you, 13116 And you will be my POSSLQ. 13117 I'll be your friend and so much more; 13118 That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13119 13120 And everything we will confess; 13121 Yes, even to the IRS. 13122 Some day on what we both may earn, 13123 Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13124 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13125 You'll share my life - up to a point! 13126 And that you'll be so glad to do, 13127 Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13128 % 13129 Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13130 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 13131 % 13132 Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13133 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. 13134 % 13135 Come, you spirits 13136 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13137 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13138 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13139 Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13140 That no compunctious visiting of nature 13141 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13142 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13143 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13144 Wherever in your sightless substances 13145 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13146 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13147 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13148 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13149 To cry `Hold, hold!' 13150 -- Lady MacBeth 13151 % 13152 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13153 % 13154 Coming to Stores Near You: 13155 13156 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13157 13158 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13159 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13160 I'm Not Misbehaving 13161 13162 And A Whole Lot More... 13163 % 13164 Coming together is a beginning; 13165 keeping together is progress; 13166 working together is success. 13167 % 13168 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13169 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13170 % 13171 COMMITMENT: 13172 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13173 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13174 % 13175 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13176 -- Josh Billings 13177 13178 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13179 -- Albert Einstein 13180 % 13181 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13182 -- Albert Einstein 13183 % 13184 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13185 Everyone thinks he has enough. 13186 -- Descartes, 1637 13187 % 13188 Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13189 1) No action is without side-effects. 13190 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13191 3) There is no free lunch. 13192 % 13193 Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13194 % 13195 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13196 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13197 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13198 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13199 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13200 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13201 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13202 -- Dan Klein 13203 % 13204 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13205 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13206 -- J.N. Gray 13207 % 13208 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13209 is in the eye of the beholder. 13210 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13211 % 13212 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13213 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13214 be enough. 13215 -- Gene Scott 13216 % 13217 COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13218 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13219 % 13220 COMPLIMENT: 13221 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13222 % 13223 compuberty, n: 13224 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13225 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13226 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13227 % 13228 COMPUTER: 13229 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13230 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13231 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13232 % 13233 Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13234 % 13235 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13236 % 13237 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13238 % 13239 COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13240 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13241 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13242 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13243 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13244 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13245 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13246 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13247 % 13248 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13249 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13250 -- Jim Horning 13251 % 13252 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13253 % 13254 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13255 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13256 -- Gilb 13257 % 13258 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13259 -- Pablo Picasso 13260 % 13261 Computers don't actually think. 13262 You just think they think. 13263 (We think.) 13264 % 13265 Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13266 -- LaRouchefoucauld 13267 % 13268 CONCEPT: 13269 Any "idea" for which an outside 13270 consultant billed you more than $25,000. 13271 % 13272 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13273 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13274 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 13275 % 13276 Condense soup, not books! 13277 % 13278 CONFERENCE: 13279 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13280 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13281 he's already decided to do. 13282 % 13283 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13284 confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13285 -- Josh Billings 13286 % 13287 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13288 % 13289 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13290 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13291 -- Peter de Vries 13292 % 13293 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13294 the reputation. 13295 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 13296 % 13297 Confidant, confidante, n: 13298 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13299 -- Ambrose Bierce 13300 % 13301 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13302 fall flag on your face. 13303 -- Dr. L. Binder 13304 % 13305 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13306 % 13307 CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13308 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13309 % 13310 Conflicting research paradigms 13311 Have legitimized various crimes. 13312 The worst we can see 13313 Is in psychology, 13314 Measuring reaction times. 13315 % 13316 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13317 % 13318 Confucius say too damn much! 13319 % 13320 Confucius say too much. 13321 -- Recent Chinese Proverb 13322 % 13323 Confusion will be my epitaph 13324 as I walk a cracked and broken path 13325 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13326 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13327 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13328 % 13329 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13330 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13331 hesitate to ask! 13332 % 13333 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would 13334 give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you 13335 undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 13336 Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL 13337 CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T 13338 YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH 13339 THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH 13340 SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS 13341 CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING 13342 TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 13343 RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13344 -- Dave Barry 13345 % 13346 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13347 13348 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13349 Year award. 13350 % 13351 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13352 13353 Mathematician's Proof: 13354 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13355 odd numbers are prime. 13356 Physicist's Proof: 13357 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13358 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13359 Engineer's Proof: 13360 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13361 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13362 Computer Scientists's Proof: 13363 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13364 % 13365 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13366 % 13367 Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13368 -- Shakespeare 13369 % 13370 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13371 when everything else feels great. 13372 % 13373 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13374 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13375 % 13376 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 13377 % 13378 CONSENT DECREE: 13379 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13380 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13381 never admitted to in the first place. 13382 % 13383 Conservative: 13384 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 13385 -- Leo C. Rosten 13386 % 13387 Conservative, n: 13388 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13389 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13390 -- Ambrose Bierce 13391 % 13392 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." 13393 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13394 % 13395 Consider the following axioms carefully: 13396 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13397 and 13398 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13399 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13400 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13401 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13402 % 13403 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13404 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13405 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13406 % 13407 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13408 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13409 -- Josh Billings 13410 % 13411 CONSULTANT: 13412 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13413 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13414 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13415 Calculator, Will Travel. 13416 % 13417 CONSULTANT: 13418 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13419 % 13420 CONSULTANT: 13421 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13422 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13423 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13424 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13425 and heavy wallet. 13426 % 13427 CONSULTANT: 13428 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13429 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13430 % 13431 Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13432 company for a number and then give it back to them. 13433 % 13434 CONSULTATION: 13435 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13436 % 13437 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13438 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13439 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13440 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13441 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13442 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13443 % 13444 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13445 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13446 -- Lewis Carroll 13447 % 13448 Convention is the ruler of all. 13449 -- Pindar 13450 % 13451 CONVERSATION: 13452 A vocal competition in which the one who 13453 is catching his breath is called the listener. 13454 % 13455 Conversation enriches the understanding, 13456 but solitude is the school of genius. 13457 % 13458 Conway's Law: 13459 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13460 what is going on. 13461 13462 This person must be fired. 13463 % 13464 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13465 line-up. 13466 -- Raymond Chandler 13467 % 13468 COPYING MACHINE: 13469 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13470 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13471 interested in reading them. 13472 % 13473 Coronation, n: 13474 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 13475 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 13476 -- Ambrose Bierce 13477 % 13478 Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13479 -- Goethe 13480 % 13481 Correspondence Corollary: 13482 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 13483 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 13484 % 13485 CORRUPT: 13486 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13487 % 13488 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 13489 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 13490 capitalism. 13491 -- Walter Lippmann 13492 % 13493 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 13494 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 13495 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan 13496 % 13497 Corry's Law: 13498 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 13499 % 13500 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 13501 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 13502 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 13503 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 13504 being easier to stake. 13505 % 13506 Counting in binary is just like counting 13507 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 13508 -- Glaser and Way 13509 % 13510 Counting in octal is just like counting 13511 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 13512 -- Tom Lehrer 13513 % 13514 Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 13515 % 13516 Courage is grace under pressure. 13517 % 13518 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 13519 -- Mark Twain 13520 % 13521 Courage is your greatest present need. 13522 % 13523 court, n.: 13524 A place where they dispense with justice. 13525 -- Arthur Train 13526 % 13527 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 13528 -- William Congreve 13529 % 13530 COWARD: 13531 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 13532 % 13533 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 13534 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 13535 -- Wernher von Braun 13536 % 13537 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 13538 % 13539 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 13540 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 13541 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 13542 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 13543 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 13544 between adequacy and excellence. 13545 % 13546 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 13547 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 13548 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 13549 say it was obvious all along. 13550 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13551 % 13552 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 13553 % 13554 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 13555 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 13556 % 13557 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 13558 -- James Blish 13559 % 13560 CREDITOR: 13561 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 13562 % 13563 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 13564 If you are the first to know about something bad, 13565 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 13566 regardless of your formal duties. 13567 % 13568 Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 13569 -- A.E. Newman 13570 % 13571 CRITIC: 13572 A person who boasts himself hard to please 13573 because nobody tries to please him. 13574 % 13575 critic, n.: 13576 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 13577 to please him. 13578 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13579 % 13580 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 13581 -- Zeuxis 13582 % 13583 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 13584 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 13585 -- Brendan Behan 13586 % 13587 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 13588 -- Socrates' last words 13589 % 13590 Croll's Query: 13591 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 13592 % 13593 Cropp's Law: 13594 The amount of work done varies inversly 13595 with the time spent in the office. 13596 % 13597 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 13598 -- Madonna 13599 % 13600 Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 13601 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 13602 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 13603 much work has already been done on it. 13604 % 13605 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 13606 % 13607 Crush! Kill! Destroy! 13608 % 13609 Cthulhu Cthucks! 13610 % 13611 Cthulhu for President! 13612 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 13613 % 13614 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 13615 % 13616 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 13617 % 13618 Cure the disease and kill the patient. 13619 -- Francis Bacon 13620 % 13621 CURSOR: 13622 One whose program will not run. 13623 -- Robb Russon 13624 % 13625 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 13626 environment. 13627 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 13628 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 13629 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 13630 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 13631 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 13632 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 13633 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 13634 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 13635 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 13636 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 13637 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 13638 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 13639 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 13640 with us. 13641 13642 MOZ DONG n. 13643 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 13644 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 13645 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 13646 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13647 % 13648 Custer committed Siouxicide. 13649 % 13650 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 13651 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 13652 -- Gerry Youghkins 13653 13654 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 13655 don't like it. 13656 -- Gerry Youghkins 13657 % 13658 Cutler Webster's Law: 13659 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 13660 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 13661 % 13662 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 13663 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 13664 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 13665 -- Johnny Hart 13666 % 13667 CYNIC: 13668 Experienced. 13669 % 13670 CYNIC: 13671 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 13672 % 13673 Cynic, n: 13674 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 13675 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the 13676 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 13677 -- Ambrose Bierce 13678 % 13679 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 13680 several of us died of tuberculosis. 13681 -- Jack Handey 13682 % 13683 DALLAS: 13684 The city that chose Astroturf to 13685 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 13686 % 13687 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 13688 % 13689 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 13690 % 13691 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 13692 % 13693 Damn braces. 13694 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 13695 % 13696 Damn, I need a Coke! 13697 -- Dr. William DeVries 13698 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 13699 % 13700 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 13701 % 13702 Dark and lonely on a summer night 13703 Kill my landlord, 13704 Kill my landlord. 13705 The watchdog barkin' 13706 Do he bite? 13707 Kill my landlord, 13708 Kill my landlord. 13709 Slip in his window. 13710 Break his neck. 13711 Then his house I start to wreck 13712 Got no reason, 13713 What the heck? 13714 Kill my landlord, 13715 Kill my landlord. 13716 C-I-L-L my landlord! 13717 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 13718 % 13719 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 13720 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 13721 -- Oliver Herford 13722 % 13723 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 13724 -- Princess Leia Organa 13725 % 13726 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 13727 % 13728 DATA: 13729 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 13730 % 13731 DATA: 13732 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 13733 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 13734 % 13735 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 13736 13737 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 13738 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 13739 * Hourly motel rates 13740 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 13741 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 13742 like some countries we could mention 13743 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 13744 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 13745 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 13746 % 13747 Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 13748 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 13749 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 13750 % 13751 Davis's Dictum: 13752 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 13753 % 13754 DAWN: 13755 The time when men of reason go to bed. 13756 % 13757 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 13758 % 13759 DEADWOOD: 13760 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 13761 % 13762 Dealing with failure is easy: 13763 Work hard to improve. 13764 Success is also easy to handle: 13765 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 13766 % 13767 Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. 13768 Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work 13769 hard to improve. 13770 % 13771 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 13772 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 13773 -- C.N. Parkinson 13774 % 13775 Dear Emily: 13776 How can I choose what groups to post in? 13777 -- Confused 13778 13779 Dear Confused: 13780 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 13781 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 13782 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 13783 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 13784 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 13785 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 13786 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 13787 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 13788 the fringe groups. 13789 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13790 % 13791 Dear Emily: 13792 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 13793 summarize. What should I do? 13794 -- Editor 13795 13796 Dear Editor: 13797 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 13798 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 13799 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 13800 summarizing a vote. 13801 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13802 % 13803 Dear Emily: 13804 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 13805 What should I do? 13806 -- Doubtful 13807 13808 Dear Doubtful: 13809 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 13810 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 13811 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 13812 mail. 13813 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13814 % 13815 Dear Emily: 13816 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 13817 I do? 13818 -- Angry 13819 13820 Dear Angry: 13821 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 13822 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 13823 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 13824 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 13825 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 13826 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13827 % 13828 Dear Emily: 13829 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 13830 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 13831 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 13832 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 13833 -- A Concerned Citizen 13834 13835 Dear Concerned: 13836 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 13837 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 13838 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 13839 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 13840 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 13841 society. 13842 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 13843 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 13844 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 13845 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 13846 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 13847 they are always interested in good stories. 13848 % 13849 Dear Emily: 13850 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 13851 to. How about an example? 13852 -- Still Confused 13853 13854 Dear Still: 13855 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 13856 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 13857 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 13858 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 13859 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 13860 news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 13861 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 13862 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 13863 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 13864 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 13865 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 13866 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 13867 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 13868 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 13869 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 13870 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 13871 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 13872 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13873 % 13874 Dear Emily: 13875 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 13876 What should I do? 13877 -- Forgetful 13878 13879 Dear Forgetful: 13880 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 13881 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 13882 it is." 13883 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 13884 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 13885 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 13886 about the signature anyway. 13887 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13888 % 13889 Dear Emily, what about test messages? 13890 -- Concerned 13891 13892 Dear Concerned: 13893 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 13894 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 13895 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 13896 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 13897 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 13898 by all USEnauts. 13899 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13900 % 13901 Dear Freshman, 13902 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 13903 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 13904 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 13905 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 13906 % 13907 Dear Lord: 13908 I just want a one-armed manager so I 13909 never have to hear "On the other hand", again. 13910 % 13911 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 13912 have to eat them. 13913 % 13914 Dear Miss Manners: 13915 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 13916 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 13917 courses, is all right. Which is correct? 13918 13919 Gentle Reader: 13920 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 13921 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 13922 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 13923 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 13924 % 13925 Dear Miss Manners: 13926 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 13927 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 13928 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 13929 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 13930 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 13931 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 13932 umbrella without seeming insulting? 13933 13934 Gentle Reader: 13935 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 13936 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 13937 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 13938 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 13939 before making your attack. 13940 % 13941 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of 13942 this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be 13943 watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for 13944 a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky 13945 Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food 13946 such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete 13947 breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", 13948 or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make 13949 essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of 13950 shaving cream there, or a dead bat? 13951 13952 Answer: Yes. 13953 -- Dave Barry 13954 % 13955 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 13956 13957 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 13958 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 13959 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 13960 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 13961 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 13962 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 13963 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13964 % 13965 Dear Ms. Postnews: 13966 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 13967 should I do? 13968 -- Eager Beaver 13969 13970 Dear Eager: 13971 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 13972 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 13973 posting it. All others please ignore." 13974 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 13975 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 13976 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 13977 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 13978 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 13979 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 13980 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 13981 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 13982 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 13983 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 13984 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 13985 so post it as many places as you can. 13986 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13987 % 13988 Dear Sir, 13989 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 13990 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 13991 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 13992 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 13993 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 13994 Yours faithfully, 13995 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. 13996 Sevenoaks 13997 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 13998 % 13999 DEATH: 14000 To stop sinning suddenly. 14001 -- Elbert Hubbard 14002 % 14003 Death before dishonor. 14004 But neither before breakfast. 14005 % 14006 Death comes on every passing breeze, 14007 He lurks in every flower; 14008 Each season has its own disease, 14009 Its peril -- every hour. 14010 --Reginald Heber 14011 % 14012 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14013 % 14014 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14015 of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14016 -- Erma Bombeck 14017 % 14018 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14019 % 14020 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14021 -- R. Geis 14022 % 14023 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14024 % 14025 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14026 % 14027 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14028 % 14029 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! 14030 % 14031 DEATH WISH: 14032 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14033 % 14034 Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14035 % 14036 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14037 -- Mel Ferentz 14038 % 14039 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14040 erra, n: A mistake. 14041 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14042 Linder, n: A female name. 14043 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14044 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14045 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14046 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14047 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14048 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14049 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14050 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14051 % 14052 DECISIONMAKER: 14053 The person in your office who was unable 14054 to form a task force before the music stopped. 14055 % 14056 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14057 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14058 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14059 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14060 (unless struck by a boomerang). 14061 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14062 % 14063 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14064 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14065 % 14066 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14067 that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14068 -- C. Schultz 14069 % 14070 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14071 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14072 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14073 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14074 -- Randy Davis 14075 % 14076 DEFAULT: 14077 The hardware's, of course. 14078 % 14079 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14080 -- Bill Musselman 14081 % 14082 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14083 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14084 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14085 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14086 14087 -- Count the number of bits in a word. 14088 % 14089 Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14090 % 14091 (defun NF (a c) 14092 (cond ((null c) () ) 14093 ((atom (car c)) 14094 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14095 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14096 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14097 14098 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14099 (cond 14100 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14101 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14102 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14103 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14104 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14105 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14106 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14107 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14108 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14109 % 14110 DEJA VU: 14111 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14112 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14113 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14114 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14115 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14116 % 14117 Delay is preferable to error. 14118 -- Thomas Jefferson 14119 % 14120 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14121 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14122 14123 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14124 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14125 14126 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14127 referring to I/O system services.] 14128 % 14129 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14130 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14131 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14132 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14133 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14134 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14135 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14136 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14137 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14138 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14139 14140 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14141 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14142 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14143 child. 14144 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14145 % 14146 DELIBERATION: 14147 The act of examining one's bread 14148 to determine which side it is buttered on. 14149 % 14150 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14151 % 14152 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14153 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14154 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14155 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14156 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14157 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14158 steroid-free fitness center. 14159 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 14160 % 14161 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14162 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14163 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14164 % 14165 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14166 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14167 % 14168 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14169 aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14170 -- Senator Soaper 14171 % 14172 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14173 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14174 -- G.B. Shaw 14175 % 14176 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14177 will get the blame. 14178 -- Laurence J. Peter 14179 % 14180 Democracy is also a form of worship. 14181 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14182 -- H.L. Mencken 14183 % 14184 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14185 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14186 % 14187 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14188 of the people are right more than half of the time. 14189 -- E.B. White 14190 % 14191 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14192 deserve to get it good and hard. 14193 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14194 % 14195 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14196 forms that have been tried from time to time. 14197 -- Winston Churchill 14198 % 14199 Democracy, n: 14200 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14201 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14202 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14203 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14204 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14205 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14206 agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14207 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14208 since withdrawn. 14209 % 14210 Democracy, n: 14211 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14212 -- Gerald Barry 14213 14214 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14215 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14216 you don't have to waste your time voting. 14217 -- Charles Bukowski 14218 % 14219 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14220 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14221 14222 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14223 The remainder is thrown out. 14224 14225 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14226 14227 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14228 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14229 14230 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14231 windows by Democrats. 14232 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14233 % 14234 Dental health is next to mental health. 14235 % 14236 Dentist: 14237 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14238 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14239 -- Ambrose Bierce 14240 % 14241 Denver, n: 14242 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 14243 % 14244 Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14245 % 14246 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14247 % 14248 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14249 % 14250 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14251 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14252 -- R.E. Shay 14253 % 14254 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14255 % 14256 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14257 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14258 % 14259 Design: 14260 What you regret not doing later on. 14261 % 14262 design, v: 14263 What you regret not doing later on. 14264 % 14265 Desist from enumerating your fowl 14266 prior to their emergence from the shell. 14267 % 14268 Despite all appearances, your boss 14269 is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14270 % 14271 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14272 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14273 the table. 14274 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14275 % 14276 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14277 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14278 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14279 % 14280 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14281 % 14282 DeVries' Dilemma: 14283 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14284 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14285 % 14286 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14287 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14288 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14289 % 14290 Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14291 Some do, some don't. 14292 % 14293 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14294 and slim chance mean the same thing? 14295 14296 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 14297 % 14298 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14299 has already been born? 14300 -- Benny Hill 14301 % 14302 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14303 that's how dogs spend their lives. 14304 -- Sue Murphy 14305 % 14306 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14307 % 14308 "Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 14309 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14310 % 14311 Did you hear about the model who sat 14312 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14313 % 14314 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14315 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14316 14317 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14318 % 14319 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14320 the number zero? 14321 14322 Is nothing sacred? 14323 % 14324 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14325 only recaptured 116 of them? 14326 % 14327 Did you know? 14328 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14329 APPROXIMATELY 14330 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14331 KILLED 14332 14333 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14334 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14335 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14336 14337 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14338 14339 SPONSORED BY 14340 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14341 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14342 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14343 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14344 14345 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14346 % 14347 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14348 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14349 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14350 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14351 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14352 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14353 % 14354 Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14355 % 14356 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14357 -- P.J. Plauger 14358 % 14359 Did you know the University of Iowa 14360 closed down after someone stole the book? 14361 % 14362 Did you know.... 14363 14364 That no-one ever reads these things? 14365 % 14366 Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14367 Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14368 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14369 Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14370 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14371 % 14372 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 14373 % 14374 "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 14375 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14376 % 14377 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14378 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14379 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14380 % 14381 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14382 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14383 % 14384 Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14385 % 14386 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14387 % 14388 Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14389 -- Don Vonada 14390 % 14391 Dignity is like a flag. 14392 It flaps in a storm. 14393 -- Roy Mengot 14394 % 14395 Dime is money. 14396 % 14397 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14398 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14399 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14400 % 14401 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14402 % 14403 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14404 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14405 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14406 1 carton milk 14407 % 14408 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14409 % 14410 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14411 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14412 % 14413 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14414 asked him, after a few days. 14415 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14416 % 14417 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 14418 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 14419 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 14420 % 14421 Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 14422 % 14423 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 14424 -- Daniele Vare 14425 % 14426 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 14427 -- Wynn Catlin 14428 % 14429 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 14430 -- Balfour 14431 % 14432 diplomacy, n: 14433 Lying in state. 14434 % 14435 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 14436 14437 1: Get elected. 14438 2: Get re-elected. 14439 3: Don't get mad, get even. 14440 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 14441 % 14442 disbar, n: 14443 As distinguished from some other bar. 14444 % 14445 Disc space -- the final frontier! 14446 % 14447 DISCLAIMER: 14448 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 14449 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 14450 % 14451 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 14452 % 14453 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 14454 % 14455 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 14456 -- Chinese proverb 14457 % 14458 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 14459 -- Euripides 14460 % 14461 Disk crisis, please clean up! 14462 % 14463 Disks travel in packs. 14464 % 14465 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 14466 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 14467 % 14468 Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 14469 but it does make you part of a larger picture. 14470 % 14471 DISTRESS: 14472 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 14473 % 14474 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 14475 acquaintance and without any visible reason. 14476 -- Lord Chesterfield 14477 % 14478 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 14479 % 14480 Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 14481 -- Cary Grant 14482 % 14483 Do clones have navels? 14484 % 14485 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 14486 -- Amy Gorin 14487 % 14488 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 14489 % 14490 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 14491 % 14492 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 14493 % 14494 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 14495 % 14496 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 14497 % 14498 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 14499 -- Aesop 14500 % 14501 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 14502 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 14503 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 14504 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 14505 of them ever committed suicide. 14506 -- Henry David Thoreau 14507 % 14508 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14509 Their tastes may not be the same. 14510 -- George Bernard Shaw 14511 % 14512 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 14513 % 14514 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 14515 -- Robert Heinlein 14516 % 14517 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 14518 % 14519 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 14520 for they become soggy and hard to light. 14521 14522 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 14523 for they are subtle and quick to anger. 14524 % 14525 Do not overtax your powers. 14526 % 14527 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 14528 Violators will be prosecuted. 14529 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 14530 % 14531 Do not seek death; death will find you. 14532 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 14533 -- Dag Hammarskjold 14534 % 14535 Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 14536 can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14537 % 14538 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 14539 % 14540 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 14541 % 14542 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 14543 % 14544 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 14545 % 14546 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 14547 learn to dread each day as it comes. 14548 -- Donald Kaul 14549 % 14550 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 14551 % 14552 Do not underestimate the power of the Force. 14553 % 14554 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 14555 word "lies". 14556 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 14557 % 14558 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 14559 % 14560 Do not worry about which side your 14561 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 14562 % 14563 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 14564 % 14565 Do, or do not; there is no try. 14566 % 14567 Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 14568 % 14569 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 14570 % 14571 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 14572 % 14573 Do unto others before they undo you. 14574 % 14575 Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 14576 % 14577 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 14578 -- Aleister Crowley 14579 % 14580 Do what you can to prolong your life, 14581 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 14582 % 14583 Do you believe in intuition? 14584 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 14585 % 14586 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 14587 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 14588 Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 14589 Can you see your neck? 14590 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 14591 If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 14592 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 14593 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 14594 -- Garfield 14595 % 14596 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 14597 % 14598 Do YOU have redeeming social value? 14599 % 14600 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 14601 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 14602 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 14603 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 14604 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 14605 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 14606 to think at all. 14607 -- T.H. White 14608 % 14609 Do you know Montana? 14610 % 14611 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 14612 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 14613 -- Pete Seeger 14614 % 14615 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 14616 answer, but a certain wrong answer? 14617 -- Tobaben 14618 % 14619 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 14620 between Nixon and the White House. 14621 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 14622 % 14623 Do you suffer painful elimination? 14624 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 14625 14626 Do you suffer painful recrimination? 14627 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 14628 14629 Do you suffer painful illumination? 14630 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 14631 14632 Do you suffer painful hallucination? 14633 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 14634 % 14635 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14636 % 14637 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 14638 just whipped out a quarter? 14639 -- Stephen Wright 14640 % 14641 "Do you think there's a God?" 14642 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 14643 -- Calvin and Hobbes 14644 % 14645 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14646 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14647 "I've never done anything illegal before." 14648 "I thought you said you were an accountant!" 14649 % 14650 Do you think your mother and I should have lived 14651 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 14652 % 14653 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 14654 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 14655 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 14656 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 14657 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 14658 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 14659 % 14660 Do your otters do the shimmy? 14661 Do they like to shake their tails? 14662 Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 14663 Is your garden full of snails? 14664 % 14665 Do your part to help preserve life on 14666 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 14667 % 14668 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 14669 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 14670 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 14671 % 14672 Documentation: 14673 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 14674 speaking persons. 14675 % 14676 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 14677 be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14678 % 14679 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 14680 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 14681 Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 14682 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 14683 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 14684 % 14685 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 14686 % 14687 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 14688 % 14689 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 14690 and the rest of us. 14691 % 14692 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 14693 % 14694 Doing gets it done. 14695 % 14696 Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 14697 % 14698 Don 14699 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 14700 Was she pretty? 14701 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 14702 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 14703 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 14704 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 14705 W.C.: It's almost impossible. 14706 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 14707 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 14708 % 14709 Don't abandon hope. 14710 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 14711 % 14712 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 14713 have got him. 14714 % 14715 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 14716 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 14717 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 14718 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 14719 % 14720 Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14721 -- Golda Meir 14722 % 14723 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 14724 % 14725 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 14726 % 14727 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 14728 % 14729 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 14730 than I have to. 14731 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. 14732 % 14733 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 14734 % 14735 Don't confuse things that need action 14736 with those that take care of themselves. 14737 % 14738 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 14739 % 14740 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 14741 -- Firesign Theatre 14742 % 14743 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 14744 % 14745 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 14746 -- Josh Billings 14747 % 14748 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 14749 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 14750 % 14751 Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14752 Their tastes may not be the same. 14753 -- G.B. Shaw 14754 % 14755 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 14756 % 14757 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 14758 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 14759 % 14760 Don't eat yellow snow. 14761 % 14762 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 14763 % 14764 Don't everyone thank me at once! 14765 -- Han Solo 14766 % 14767 Don't expect people to keep in step-- 14768 it's hard enough just staying in line. 14769 % 14770 Don't feed the bats tonight. 14771 % 14772 Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 14773 -- Anthony 14774 % 14775 Don't get even, get odd. 14776 % 14777 Don't get mad, get even. 14778 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 14779 14780 Don't get even, get jewelry. 14781 -- Anonymous 14782 % 14783 Don't get mad, get interest. 14784 % 14785 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 14786 % 14787 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 14788 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 14789 -- Dave Storer 14790 % 14791 Don't get to bragging. 14792 % 14793 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 14794 The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14795 -- Mark Twain 14796 % 14797 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 14798 % 14799 Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 14800 -- Baretta 14801 % 14802 Don't guess - check your security regulations. 14803 % 14804 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 14805 % 14806 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 14807 % 14808 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 14809 % 14810 Don't I know you? 14811 % 14812 Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 14813 % 14814 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 14815 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 14816 % 14817 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 14818 % 14819 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 14820 % 14821 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 14822 % 14823 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 14824 Probably soon after she throws me out. 14825 % 14826 Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 14827 until you have hold of something else. 14828 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 14829 % 14830 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 14831 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 14832 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 14833 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14834 remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 14835 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14836 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 14837 % 14838 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 14839 % 14840 Don't let your status become too quo! 14841 % 14842 Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 14843 % 14844 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 14845 % 14846 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 14847 % 14848 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 14849 % 14850 Don't lose 14851 Your head 14852 To gain a minute 14853 You need your head 14854 Your brains are in it. 14855 -- Burma Shave 14856 % 14857 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 14858 % 14859 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 14860 -- Scottish Proverb 14861 % 14862 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 14863 % 14864 Don't plan any hasty moves. 14865 You'll be evicted soon anyway. 14866 % 14867 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 14868 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 14869 % 14870 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 14871 -- Miguel de Cervantes 14872 % 14873 Don't quit now, we might just as well 14874 lock the door and throw away the key. 14875 % 14876 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 14877 % 14878 Don't read everything you believe. 14879 % 14880 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 14881 % 14882 Don't remember what you can infer. 14883 -- Harry Tennant 14884 % 14885 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 14886 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 14887 % 14888 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 14889 % 14890 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 14891 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 14892 % 14893 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 14894 % 14895 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 14896 % 14897 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 14898 % 14899 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 14900 % 14901 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 14902 -- P. Skelly 14903 % 14904 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 14905 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 14906 % 14907 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 14908 % 14909 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 14910 sodomy and the lash. 14911 -- Winston Churchill 14912 % 14913 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 14914 % 14915 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 14916 -- James J. Ling 14917 % 14918 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 14919 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 14920 -- Watchman Examiner 14921 % 14922 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 14923 % 14924 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 14925 -- Lazarus Long 14926 % 14927 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 14928 with my breakfast cereal. 14929 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 14930 % 14931 Don't vote - it only encourages them! 14932 % 14933 Don't wake me up too soon... 14934 Gonna take a ride across the moon... 14935 You and me. 14936 % 14937 Don't worry. Life's too long. 14938 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 14939 % 14940 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 14941 % 14942 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 14943 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 14944 -- Howard Aiken 14945 % 14946 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 14947 It's already tomorrow in Australia. 14948 -- Charles Schultz 14949 % 14950 Don't Worry, Be Happy. 14951 -- Meher Baba 14952 % 14953 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 14954 you can always take something for it. 14955 % 14956 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 14957 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 14958 % 14959 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 14960 % 14961 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 14962 % 14963 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14964 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14965 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 14966 "... I thought you said you were an accountant." 14967 % 14968 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 14969 want to help you could agree with each other? 14970 % 14971 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 14972 % 14973 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 14974 you through times of no dope. 14975 -- Gilbert Shelton 14976 % 14977 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 14978 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 14979 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 14980 -- The Wizard of Oz 14981 % 14982 Double! 14983 % 14984 Double Bucky, you're the one, 14985 You make my keyboard so much fun, 14986 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 14987 Control and meta, side by side, 14988 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 14989 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 14990 14991 Oh, I sure wish that I, 14992 Had a couple of bits more! 14993 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 14994 14995 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 14996 OR'd together, outta sight! 14997 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 14998 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 14999 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15000 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15001 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15002 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15003 % 15004 double-blind Experiment, n: 15005 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15006 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15007 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15008 % 15009 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15010 -- Voltaire 15011 % 15012 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 15013 -- Voltaire 15014 % 15015 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15016 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. 15017 % 15018 Down to the Banana Republics, 15019 Down to the tropical sun. 15020 Go the expatriated Americans, 15021 Hoping to find some fun. 15022 Some of them go for the sailing, 15023 Caught by the lure of the sea. 15024 Trying to find what is ailing, 15025 Living in the land of the free. 15026 Some of them are running from lovers, 15027 Leaving no forward address. 15028 Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15029 Some are running from the IRS. 15030 Late at night you will find them, 15031 In the cheap hotels and bars. 15032 Hustling the senoritas, 15033 While they dance beneath the stars. 15034 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15035 % 15036 Down with the categorical imperative! 15037 % 15038 Dow's Law: 15039 In a hierarchical organization, 15040 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15041 % 15042 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15043 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15044 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15045 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15046 kill him. 15047 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15048 % 15049 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15050 15051 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15052 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15053 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15054 luxury that you never feel hungry. 15055 15056 Here's how the diet works: 15057 15058 FOODS ALLOWED 15059 First Month: One egg 15060 Second Month: A raisin 15061 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15062 15063 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15064 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15065 % 15066 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15067 % 15068 Dr. Livingston? 15069 Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15070 % 15071 Draft beer, not people. 15072 % 15073 Drakenberg's Discovery: 15074 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15075 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15076 % 15077 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15078 % 15079 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15080 % 15081 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15082 % 15083 Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15084 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15085 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15086 % 15087 Drilling for oil is boring. 15088 % 15089 Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15090 Love, the reeling midnight through 15091 For tomorrow we shall die! 15092 (But, alas, we never do.) 15093 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15094 % 15095 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. 15096 % 15097 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15098 instant motor skills. 15099 -- Marc Price 15100 % 15101 Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15102 -- Jim Brosnan 15103 % 15104 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15105 with, that it's compounding a felony. 15106 -- Robert Benchley 15107 % 15108 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15109 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15110 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15111 % 15112 Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15113 % 15114 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15115 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15116 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15117 brush after them. 15118 % 15119 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15120 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15121 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15122 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15123 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15124 life!" 15125 % 15126 Drop that pickle! 15127 % 15128 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15129 -- The Adventurer 15130 % 15131 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15132 -- The Adventurer 15133 % 15134 drug, n: 15135 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15136 paper. 15137 % 15138 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15139 % 15140 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15141 lot a poker. 15142 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15143 % 15144 Ducharme's Precept: 15145 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15146 15147 Ducharme's Axiom: 15148 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15149 yourself as part of the problem. 15150 % 15151 Duckies are fun! 15152 % 15153 Ducks? What ducks?? 15154 % 15155 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15156 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15157 -- Carl Zwanzig 15158 % 15159 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15160 production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15161 % 15162 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15163 fate and captain of your soul. 15164 % 15165 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15166 % 15167 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15168 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15169 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15170 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15171 -- James Madison 15172 % 15173 During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 15174 several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 15175 {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15176 % 15177 During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15178 15179 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15180 perform as president?" 15181 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15182 inexperience." 15183 % 15184 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15185 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15186 and fly your colors proudly. 15187 % 15188 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15189 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15190 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15191 % 15192 Duty, n: 15193 What one expects from others. 15194 -- Oscar Wilde 15195 % 15196 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15197 nothing whatever to do with it. 15198 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 15199 % 15200 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15201 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. 15202 % 15203 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15204 -- Woody Allen 15205 % 15206 E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15207 % 15208 E Pluribus UNIX. 15209 % 15210 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15211 % 15212 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15213 -- Kernighan 15214 % 15215 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15216 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15217 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15218 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15219 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15220 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15221 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15222 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15223 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15224 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15225 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15226 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15227 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15228 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15229 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15230 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15231 % 15232 Each of us bears his own Hell. 15233 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15234 % 15235 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15236 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15237 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 15238 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15239 % 15240 Each person has the right to take the subway. 15241 % 15242 EARL GREY PROFILES 15243 15244 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15245 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15246 AGE: 94 15247 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15248 EYES: Grey 15249 SKIN: Tanned 15250 HAIR: Not much 15251 LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15252 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15253 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15254 15255 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15256 % 15257 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15258 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 15259 21st century aircraft: 15260 15261 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15262 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15263 pilot if he touches anything. 15264 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15265 % 15266 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15267 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15268 % 15269 Early to rise and early to bed makes 15270 a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15271 -- James Thurber 15272 % 15273 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15274 % 15275 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15276 % 15277 /earth: file system full. 15278 % 15279 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15280 % 15281 Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. 15282 -- Jeff Berner 15283 % 15284 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 15285 15286 Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 15287 side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 15288 -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 15289 % 15290 Easy come and easy go, 15291 some call me easy money, 15292 Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15293 and sometimes it ain't funny 15294 You may think that I'm a fool 15295 and sometimes that is true, 15296 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15297 with or without you. 15298 -- Hoyt Axton 15299 % 15300 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15301 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15302 % 15303 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 15304 % 15305 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15306 % 15307 Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 15308 happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 15309 % 15310 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15311 will happen to you the rest of the day. 15312 15313 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15314 % 15315 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15316 % 15317 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15318 % 15319 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15320 % 15321 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15322 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15323 % 15324 economics, n.: 15325 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. 15326 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15327 % 15328 Economies of scale: 15329 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15330 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15331 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15332 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15333 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15334 those limitations. 15335 % 15336 economist, n: 15337 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15338 personality to become an accountant. 15339 % 15340 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15341 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15342 -- Robert Orben 15343 % 15344 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15345 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15346 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15347 % 15348 Editing is a rewording activity. 15349 % 15350 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15351 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15352 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15353 % 15354 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15355 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15356 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15357 % 15358 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15359 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15360 % 15361 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15362 -- Irwin Edman 15363 % 15364 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15365 -- B.F. Skinner 15366 % 15367 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15368 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15369 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15370 royal-blue chickens. 15371 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15372 % 15373 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 15374 The spirits are about to speak... 15375 % 15376 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15377 -- Adlai Stevenson 15378 % 15379 Ego sum ens omnipotens 15380 % 15381 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 15382 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 15383 -- Bellamy Brooks 15384 % 15385 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 15386 % 15387 Egotism, n: 15388 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 15389 15390 Egotist, n: 15391 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 15392 -- Ambrose Bierce 15393 % 15394 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 15395 % 15396 Ehrman's Commentary: 15397 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 15398 2. Who said things would get better? 15399 % 15400 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 15401 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 15402 % 15403 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 15404 original joy his falling in love with Ada. 15405 -- Nabokov 15406 % 15407 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 15408 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 15409 engineer. 15410 -- Fred Brooks 15411 % 15412 Eisenhower was very nice, 15413 Nixon was his only vice. 15414 -- C. Degen 15415 % 15416 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 15417 -- Groucho Marx' last words 15418 % 15419 ELBONICS: 15420 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 15421 armrest in a movie theatre. 15422 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 15423 % 15424 Eleanor Rigby 15425 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 15426 Lives in a dream 15427 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 15428 make the machine do some more. 15429 What is it for? 15430 15431 All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15432 All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15433 15434 Hacker MacKensie 15435 Writing the code for a program that no one will run 15436 It's nearly done 15437 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 15438 nobody there. 15439 What does he care? 15440 15441 All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15442 All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15443 Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15444 Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15445 % 15446 ELECTRIC JELL-O 15447 15448 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 15449 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 15450 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 15451 15452 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 15453 fully dissolved. 15454 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 15455 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 15456 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 15457 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 15458 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 15459 the faint of heart. 15460 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 15461 Cut into squares and enjoy! 15462 15463 WARNING: 15464 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 15465 children under eight years of age. 15466 % 15467 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 15468 % 15469 Electrocution, n: 15470 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 15471 % 15472 Elegance and truth are inversely related. 15473 -- Becker's Razor 15474 % 15475 Elephant, n: 15476 A mouse built to government specifications. 15477 % 15478 Elevators smell different to midgets. 15479 % 15480 Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 15481 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 15482 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 15483 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 15484 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 15485 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 15486 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 15487 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 15488 % 15489 Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 15490 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 15491 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 15492 Half asleep, Eli murmured, 15493 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 15494 % 15495 Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 15496 % 15497 Elliptical, n: 15498 The feel of a kiss. 15499 % 15500 Eloquence is logic on fire. 15501 % 15502 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 15503 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 15504 % 15505 Emacs, n: 15506 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 15507 % 15508 Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 15509 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 15510 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 15511 for it. 15512 % 15513 Encyclopedia for sale by father. 15514 Son knows everything. 15515 % 15516 Encyclopedia Salesmen: 15517 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 15518 and tell them your house is being burgled. 15519 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15520 % 15521 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 15522 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 15523 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 15524 % 15525 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 15526 Endless the quest; 15527 I turn again, back to my own beginning, 15528 And here, find rest. 15529 % 15530 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 15531 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 15532 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 15533 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 15534 % 15535 Engineering: "How will this work?" 15536 Science: "Why will this work?" 15537 Management: "When will this work?" 15538 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 15539 % 15540 English literature's performing flea. 15541 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse 15542 % 15543 Engram, n: 15544 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 15545 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 15546 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 15547 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 15548 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 15549 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 15550 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 15551 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 15552 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 15553 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 15554 time.] 15555 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 15556 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 15557 % 15558 enhance, v: 15559 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 15560 % 15561 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 15562 % 15563 Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 15564 % 15565 Entrepreneur, n: 15566 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 15567 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 15568 % 15569 Entropy isn't what it used to be. 15570 % 15571 Entropy requires no maintenance. 15572 -- Markoff Chaney 15573 % 15574 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 15575 -- Onasander 15576 % 15577 Envy, n: 15578 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 15579 instead of having to try and acquire one. 15580 % 15581 Enzymes are things invented by biologists 15582 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 15583 -- Jerome Lettvin 15584 % 15585 Equal bytes for women. 15586 % 15587 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 15588 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 15589 % 15590 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 15591 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 15592 % 15593 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 15594 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 15595 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 15596 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 15597 % 15598 Eschew obfuscation. 15599 % 15600 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 15601 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 15602 % 15603 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 15604 % 15605 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 15606 -- Woody Allen 15607 % 15608 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 15609 -- Tom Stoppard 15610 % 15611 Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 15612 fashion for those with no taste. 15613 % 15614 Etymology, n: 15615 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 15616 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 15617 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 15618 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 15619 hard to swallow." 15620 -- Mike Kellen 15621 % 15622 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 15623 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 15624 -- Goethe, "Faust" 15625 % 15626 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 15627 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 15628 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 15629 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 15630 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 15631 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 15632 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 15633 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 15634 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 15635 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 15636 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 15637 over roulette. 15638 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 15639 % 15640 Eureka! 15641 -- Archimedes 15642 % 15643 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 15644 % 15645 Even a cabbage may look at a king. 15646 % 15647 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 15648 % 15649 Even a man who is pure at heart, 15650 And says his prayers at night 15651 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 15652 And the moon is full and bright. 15653 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 15654 % 15655 Even God cannot change the past. 15656 -- Joseph Stalin 15657 % 15658 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 15659 -- Menander 15660 % 15661 Even if you do learn to speak correct 15662 English, whom are you going to speak it to? 15663 -- Clarence Darrow 15664 % 15665 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 15666 -- Aristophanes 15667 % 15668 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 15669 -- Will Rogers 15670 % 15671 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 15672 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 15673 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 15674 And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 15675 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 15676 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 15677 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 15678 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 15679 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 15680 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 15681 A fairer summer and a later fall 15682 Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 15683 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 15684 I tell you this across the blackened vine. 15685 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 15686 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 15687 % 15688 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 15689 % 15690 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 15691 just a bit unchivalrous... 15692 -- Robert Benchley 15693 % 15694 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15695 -- Kehlog Albran 15696 % 15697 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15698 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 15699 % 15700 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 15701 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 15702 % 15703 Events are not affected, they develop. 15704 -- Sri Aurobindo 15705 % 15706 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 15707 % 15708 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 15709 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 15710 % 15711 Ever get the feeling that the world's 15712 on tape and one of the reels is missing? 15713 -- Rich Little 15714 % 15715 Ever notice that even the busiest people are 15716 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 15717 % 15718 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 15719 Simple coincidence? 15720 Maybe... 15721 % 15722 Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15723 That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 15724 We're big but bigger we will be, 15725 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 15726 Has been our aim. 15727 Our products now are known in every zone. 15728 Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 15729 We've fought our way thru 15730 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 15731 For the Ever Onward IBM! 15732 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15733 % 15734 Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15735 We're bound for the top to never fall, 15736 Right here and now we thankfully 15737 Pledge sincerest loyalty 15738 To the corporation that's the best of all 15739 Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 15740 Let's show the world just what we think of them! 15741 So let us sing men -- Sing men 15742 Once or twice, then sing again 15743 For the Ever Onward IBM! 15744 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15745 % 15746 Ever since I was a young boy, 15747 I've hacked the ARPA net, 15748 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 15749 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 15750 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 15751 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 15752 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 15753 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 15754 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15755 Sure sends a mean packet. 15756 He's a UNIX wizard, 15757 There has to be a twist. 15758 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 15759 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 15760 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 15761 I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 15762 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 15763 The proper bit flags set, 15764 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15765 Sure sends a mean packet. 15766 -- UNIX Wizard 15767 % 15768 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 15769 % 15770 Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 15771 15772 Because newspapers are read too. 15773 Two and Two is four. 15774 Four and four is eight. 15775 Eight and four is twelve. 15776 There are twelve inches in a ruler. 15777 Queen Mary was a ruler. 15778 Queen Mary was a ship. 15779 Ships sail the sea. 15780 There are fishes in the sea. 15781 Fishes have fins. 15782 The Fins fought the Russians. 15783 Russians are red. 15784 Fire engines are always rush'n. 15785 Therefore fire engines are red. 15786 % 15787 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 15788 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 15789 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 15790 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long 15791 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 15792 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 15793 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 15794 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 15795 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 15796 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 15797 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 15798 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 15799 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 15800 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 15801 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 15802 question." 15803 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 15804 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 15805 % 15806 Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 15807 Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 15808 % 15809 Every cloud engenders not a storm. 15810 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 15811 % 15812 Every cloud has a silver lining; 15813 you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 15814 % 15815 Every country has the government it deserves. 15816 -- Joseph De Maistre 15817 % 15818 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 15819 % 15820 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 15821 % 15822 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 15823 -- Lenny Bruce 15824 % 15825 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 15826 % 15827 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 15828 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 15829 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 15830 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 15831 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not 15832 a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it 15833 is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 15834 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 15835 % 15836 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 15837 -- Don Vonada 15838 % 15839 Every love's the love before 15840 In a duller dress. 15841 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 15842 % 15843 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 15844 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 15845 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 15846 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 15847 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 15848 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 15849 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 15850 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 15851 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 15852 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 15853 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 15854 % 15855 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 15856 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15857 % 15858 Every man takes the limits of his own field 15859 of vision for the limits of the world. 15860 -- Schopenhauer 15861 % 15862 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 15863 and powerful know that he is. 15864 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 15865 % 15866 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 15867 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 15868 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 15869 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 15870 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 15871 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 15872 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 15873 % 15874 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 15875 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 15876 -- Barrie 15877 % 15878 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 15879 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 15880 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 15881 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 15882 up, you'd better be running. 15883 % 15884 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 15885 % 15886 Every night my prayers I say, 15887 And get my dinner every day; 15888 And every day that I've been good, 15889 I get an orange after food. 15890 The child that is not clean and neat, 15891 With lots of toys and things to eat, 15892 He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 15893 Or else his dear papa is poor. 15894 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 15895 % 15896 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 15897 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 15898 when they aren't. 15899 15900 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 15901 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 15902 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. 15903 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 15904 % 15905 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 15906 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 15907 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 15908 -- Morris Kline 15909 % 15910 Every path has its puddle. 15911 % 15912 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 15913 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 15914 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 15915 % 15916 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 15917 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 15918 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 15919 % 15920 Every program has (at least) two purposes: 15921 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 15922 % 15923 Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 15924 % 15925 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 15926 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 15927 bend a disk. 15928 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 15929 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 15930 of their movement. 15931 % 15932 Every successful person has had failures 15933 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 15934 % 15935 Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 15936 -- Jean Baechler 15937 % 15938 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 15939 % 15940 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 15941 % 15942 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 15943 % 15944 Every time you manage to close the door on 15945 Reality, it comes in through the window. 15946 % 15947 Every why hath a wherefore. 15948 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 15949 % 15950 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 15951 -- Beckett 15952 % 15953 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 15954 the best one. 15955 -- Jack Hurley 15956 % 15957 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 15958 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 15959 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 15960 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 15961 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 15962 Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 15963 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 15964 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 15965 you're fired. As of right now." 15966 Sam signed the papers immediately. 15967 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 15968 couldn't have signed earlier?" 15969 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 15970 clearly before." 15971 % 15972 Everybody has something to conceal. 15973 -- Humphrey Bogart 15974 % 15975 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 15976 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 15977 % 15978 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 15979 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 15980 % 15981 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 15982 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 15983 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 15984 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 15985 15986 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 15987 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 15988 just died. 15989 15990 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 15991 and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 15992 15993 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 15994 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 15995 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 15996 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 15997 15998 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 15999 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16000 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16001 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16002 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16003 % 16004 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16005 -- Arthur Miller 16006 % 16007 Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16008 stop hacking and fall in love! 16009 % 16010 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16011 % 16012 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16013 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16014 % 16015 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 16016 % 16017 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16018 % 16019 Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16020 % 16021 Everyone is in the best seat. 16022 -- John Cage 16023 % 16024 Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16025 -- Rudyard Kipling 16026 % 16027 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16028 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16029 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16030 wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of 16031 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us 16032 to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking 16033 the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: 16034 the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were 16035 all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16036 different way... 16037 % 16038 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16039 to get them. 16040 -- Dirty Harry 16041 % 16042 Everyone was born right-handed. 16043 Only the greatest overcome it. 16044 % 16045 Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16046 1. They want it quick. 16047 2. They want it good. 16048 3. They want it cheap. 16049 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16050 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16051 % 16052 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16053 % 16054 Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16055 % 16056 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16057 % 16058 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16059 % 16060 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16061 -- Alexander Woollcott 16062 % 16063 Everything in this book may be wrong. 16064 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16065 % 16066 Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16067 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16068 % 16069 Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16070 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16071 % 16072 Everything might be different in the present 16073 if only one thing had been different in the past. 16074 % 16075 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16076 % 16077 Everything should be built top-down, except this time. 16078 % 16079 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16080 -- Albert Einstein 16081 % 16082 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16083 -- Erwin Tomash 16084 % 16085 Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16086 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16087 % 16088 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16089 % 16090 Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16091 % 16092 Everything you know is wrong! 16093 % 16094 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16095 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16096 -- Erwin Knoll 16097 % 16098 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16099 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16100 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16101 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16102 straight lines. 16103 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16104 % 16105 Everything's great in this good old world; 16106 (This is the stuff they can always use.) 16107 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16108 (This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16109 Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16110 Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16111 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16112 (This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16113 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16114 % 16115 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16116 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16117 that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16118 -- Flannery O'Connor 16119 % 16120 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16121 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16122 Everyone is looking for the answer, 16123 Well look again. 16124 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16125 % 16126 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16127 of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16128 -- H.L. Mencken 16129 % 16130 Evolution is a million line computer 16131 program falling into place by accident. 16132 % 16133 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16134 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16135 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16136 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16137 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16138 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16139 respect to theories about how the process operates. 16140 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 16141 % 16142 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 16143 the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 16144 -- C.C. Colton 16145 % 16146 Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16147 It is the only thing. 16148 -- Albert Schweitzer 16149 % 16150 Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16151 Spike the office water cooler. 16152 % 16153 Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16154 % 16155 Excellent time to become a missing person. 16156 % 16157 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16158 -- Miller 16159 % 16160 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16161 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16162 16163 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16164 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16165 % 16166 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16167 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16168 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16169 % 16170 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. 16171 % 16172 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16173 -- Marcus Aurelius 16174 % 16175 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16176 % 16177 Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16178 % 16179 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16180 and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16181 % 16182 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16183 % 16184 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16185 % 16186 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16187 % 16188 Expedience is the best teacher. 16189 % 16190 Expense accounts, n: 16191 Corporate food stamps. 16192 % 16193 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16194 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16195 % 16196 Experience is not what happens to you; 16197 it is what you do with what happens to you. 16198 -- Aldous Huxley 16199 % 16200 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16201 you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16202 -- Franklin Jones 16203 % 16204 Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16205 gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16206 % 16207 Experience is what causes a person 16208 to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16209 % 16210 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16211 % 16212 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 16213 % 16214 Experience, n: 16215 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 16216 -- Olivier 16217 % 16218 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16219 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16220 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16221 % 16222 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 16223 % 16224 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16225 % 16226 External Security: 16227 % 16228 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16229 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16230 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16231 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16232 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 16233 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16234 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16235 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16236 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16237 offer more plausible alternatives. 16238 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 16239 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16240 % 16241 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16242 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16243 % 16244 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16245 of justice is no virtue. 16246 -- Barry Goldwater 16247 % 16248 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16249 % 16250 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16251 % 16252 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 16253 % 16254 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16255 % 16256 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16257 % 16258 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16259 % 16260 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16261 -- Sven Italla 16262 % 16263 Facts are the enemy of truth. 16264 -- Don Quixote 16265 % 16266 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16267 -- Aldous Huxley 16268 % 16269 Failed Attempts To Break Records 16270 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 16271 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 16272 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 16273 doesn't even shout at me." 16274 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 16275 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 16276 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 16277 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 16278 "People complained I was too noisy," he said. 16279 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 16280 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 16281 drone got waterlogged," he said. 16282 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 16283 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 16284 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 16285 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 16286 % 16287 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 16288 % 16289 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 16290 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 16291 % 16292 Fairy tale: 16293 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 16294 % 16295 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 16296 % 16297 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 16298 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 16299 % 16300 Faith is under the left nipple. 16301 -- Martin Luther 16302 % 16303 Faith, n: 16304 That quality which enables us to 16305 believe what we know to be untrue. 16306 % 16307 Fakir, n: 16308 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 16309 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 16310 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 16311 % 16312 Falling in Love 16313 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 16314 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 16315 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 16316 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 16317 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 16318 good idea to check with your doctor. 16319 -- Dave Barry 16320 % 16321 Falling in love is a lot like dying. 16322 You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 16323 % 16324 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 16325 restraint. 16326 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". 16327 % 16328 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 16329 the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 16330 -- Mark Twain 16331 % 16332 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 16333 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 16334 -- Marlo Thomas 16335 % 16336 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 16337 % 16338 Familiarity breeds attempt. 16339 % 16340 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 16341 -- Mark Twain 16342 % 16343 Families, when a child is born 16344 Want it to be intelligent. 16345 I, through intelligence, 16346 Having wrecked my whole life, 16347 Only hope the baby will prove 16348 Ignorant and stupid. 16349 Then he will crown a tranquil life 16350 By becoming a Cabinet Minister 16351 -- Su Tung-p'o 16352 % 16353 Famous last words: 16354 % 16355 Famous last words: 16356 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 16357 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 16358 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 16359 4: We won't need reservations. 16360 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 16361 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 16362 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 16363 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 16364 % 16365 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 16366 forgotten your aim. 16367 -- George Santayana 16368 % 16369 "Fantasies are free." 16370 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 16371 % 16372 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 16373 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 16374 16375 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 16376 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 16377 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 16378 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 16379 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 16380 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 16381 was the Empire forged. 16382 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16383 % 16384 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 16385 % 16386 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western 16387 Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this 16388 at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly 16389 insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are 16390 so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty 16391 neat idea. 16392 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16393 % 16394 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 16395 stressful than divorce. 16396 -- Wall Street Journal 16397 % 16398 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 16399 it every six months. 16400 -- Oscar Wilde 16401 % 16402 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 16403 -- Victor Hugo 16404 % 16405 Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 16406 % 16407 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 16408 -- Han Solo 16409 % 16410 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 16411 -- Bill Cosby 16412 % 16413 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 16414 % 16415 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 16416 % 16417 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 16418 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 16419 % 16420 Fats Loves Madelyn. 16421 % 16422 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 16423 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 16424 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 16425 % 16426 FEAR: 16427 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 16428 % 16429 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 16430 -- H.S. Thompson 16431 % 16432 Fear is the greatest salesman. 16433 -- Robert Klein 16434 % 16435 feature, n: 16436 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 16437 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 16438 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 16439 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 16440 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 16441 % 16442 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 16443 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 16444 disadvantaged. 16445 % 16446 Feel disillusioned? 16447 I've got some great new illusions, right here! 16448 % 16449 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 16450 it's Microsoft!" 16451 % 16452 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 16453 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 16454 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 16455 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 16456 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 16457 A singular development of cat communications 16458 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 16459 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 16460 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 16461 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 16462 And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion, 16463 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 16464 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 16465 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 16466 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 16467 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 16468 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 16469 % 16470 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 16471 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 16472 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 16473 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the 16474 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 16475 yours to the bottom of the list. 16476 16477 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 16478 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 16479 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 16480 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 16481 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 16482 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 16483 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 16484 16485 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 16486 % 16487 Female rabbits: 16488 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 16489 % 16490 FENDERBERG: 16491 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 16492 of car fenders during snowstorms. 16493 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16494 % 16495 Ferguson's Precept: 16496 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 16497 % 16498 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 16499 didn't have any children, neither will you. 16500 % 16501 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 16502 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 16503 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 16504 basic difference between robots and humans? 16505 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 16506 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 16507 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 16508 % 16509 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 16510 -- Mark Twain 16511 % 16512 Fidelity, n: 16513 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 16514 % 16515 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 16516 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16517 Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 16518 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16519 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 16520 % 16521 Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 16522 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 16523 Corollary: 16524 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 16525 % 16526 File cabinet: 16527 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 16528 % 16529 filibuster, n: 16530 Throwing your wait around. 16531 % 16532 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 16533 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 16534 % 16535 Finagle's Creed: 16536 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 16537 % 16538 Finagle's Eighth Law: 16539 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 16540 16541 Finagle's Ninth Law: 16542 No matter what results are expected, 16543 someone is always willing to fake it. 16544 16545 Finagle's Tenth Law: 16546 No matter what the result someone 16547 is always eager to misinterpret it. 16548 16549 Finagle's Eleventh Law: 16550 No matter what occurs, someone believes 16551 it happened according to his pet theory. 16552 % 16553 Finagle's First Law: 16554 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 16555 16556 Finagle's Second Law: 16557 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 16558 16559 Finagle's Fourth Law: 16560 Once a job is fouled up, 16561 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 16562 16563 Finagle's Fifth Law: 16564 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 16565 16566 Finagle's Sixth Law: 16567 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16568 % 16569 Finagle's Seventh Law: 16570 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 16571 % 16572 Finagle's Third Law: 16573 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 16574 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 16575 16576 Corollaries: 16577 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 16578 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 16579 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 16580 % 16581 Finality is death. 16582 Perfection is finality. 16583 Nothing is perfect. 16584 There are lumps in it. 16585 % 16586 Fine day for friends. 16587 So-so day for you. 16588 % 16589 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 16590 % 16591 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 16592 % 16593 Finster's Law: 16594 A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16595 % 16596 First Law of Bicycling: 16597 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 16598 % 16599 First law of debate: 16600 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 16601 % 16602 First Law of Procrastination: 16603 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 16604 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 16605 imposed the deadline). 16606 16607 Fifth Law of Procrastination: 16608 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 16609 there is nothing important to do. 16610 % 16611 First Law of Socio-Genetics: 16612 Celibacy is not hereditary. 16613 % 16614 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 16615 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 16616 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 16617 % 16618 First Rule of History: 16619 History doesn't repeat itself -- 16620 historians merely repeat each other. 16621 % 16622 First rule of public speaking. 16623 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 16624 then tell 'em; 16625 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 16626 % 16627 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 16628 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 16629 Dial-A-Wombat. 16630 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 16631 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 16632 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 16633 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 16634 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 16635 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 16636 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 16637 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 16638 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 16639 another phone booth. 16640 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 16641 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 16642 released it, too, in the scrub. 16643 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 16644 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 16645 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 16646 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 16647 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 16648 telephone booths. 16649 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. 16650 % 16651 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 16652 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 16653 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 16654 trees to prove their manhood. 16655 -- Dave Barry 16656 % 16657 Fishbowl, n: 16658 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 16659 promoted managers are kept for observation. 16660 % 16661 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 16662 -- Jimmy Cannon 16663 % 16664 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. 16665 -- Adolfo Guzman 16666 % 16667 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 16668 -- Robert Firth 16669 % 16670 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 16671 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 16672 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 16673 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 16674 Yes, I'm goin' insane, 16675 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 16676 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16677 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 16678 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 16679 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 16680 You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 16681 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 16682 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 16683 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 16684 Yes, and goin' insane, 16685 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 16686 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16687 (chorus) 16688 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 16689 % 16690 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 16691 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 16692 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 16693 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 16694 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 16695 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 16696 Irish Political History". 16697 % 16698 Five rules for eternal misery: 16699 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 16700 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 16701 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 16702 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 16703 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 16704 how much better things might have been or how much worse 16705 things might become). 16706 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 16707 follow the first four rules. 16708 % 16709 Flame on! 16710 -- Johnny Storm 16711 % 16712 FLANNISTER: 16713 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 16714 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16715 % 16716 FLASH! 16717 Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 16718 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 16719 % 16720 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 16721 -- Josh Billings 16722 % 16723 Flattery will get you everywhere. 16724 % 16725 Flee at once, all is discovered. 16726 % 16727 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 16728 -- Helen Rowland 16729 % 16730 Flon's Law: 16731 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 16732 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 16733 % 16734 flowchart, n. & v. 16735 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 16736 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 16737 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni 16738 construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical 16739 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI 16740 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 16741 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate 16742 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines 16743 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 16744 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 16745 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 16746 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 16747 % 16748 Flugg's Law: 16749 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 16750 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 16751 % 16752 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 16753 % 16754 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 16755 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 16756 % 16757 Fog Lamps, n: 16758 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 16759 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 16760 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 16761 % 16762 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 16763 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 16764 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 16765 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 16766 % 16767 Foolproof Operation: 16768 No provision for adjustment. 16769 % 16770 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 16771 % 16772 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 16773 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 16774 % 16775 Football combines the two worst features of American life. 16776 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 16777 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 16778 % 16779 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 16780 -- Jimmy Breslin 16781 % 16782 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 16783 % 16784 For a light heart lives long. 16785 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 16786 % 16787 For adult education nothing beats children. 16788 % 16789 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 16790 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 16791 % 16792 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 16793 -- Gore Vidal 16794 % 16795 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 16796 % 16797 For courage mounteth with occasion. 16798 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16799 % 16800 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 16801 -- Harrison 16802 % 16803 For every bloke who makes his mark, 16804 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 16805 -- Andy Capp 16806 % 16807 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 16808 -- R. Clopton 16809 % 16810 For every human problem, there is a neat, 16811 plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 16812 -- H.L. Mencken 16813 % 16814 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 16815 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 16816 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 16817 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 16818 when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 16819 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 16820 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 16821 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 16822 % 16823 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 16824 % 16825 For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel 16826 and cook. 16827 -- Quentin Crisp 16828 % 16829 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 16830 -- Alexander Pope 16831 % 16832 For gin, in cruel 16833 Sober truth, 16834 Supplies the fuel 16835 For flaming youth. 16836 -- Noel Coward 16837 % 16838 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 16839 % 16840 For good, return good. 16841 For evil, return justice. 16842 % 16843 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 16844 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 16845 % 16846 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 16847 but with break of day I went to make supplication. 16848 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 16849 % 16850 For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 16851 despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 16852 implacable grandeur of this life. 16853 -- Albert Camus 16854 % 16855 For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 16856 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 16857 But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 16858 He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 16859 Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 16860 And no quarrel a knight ought to take 16861 But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 16862 -- Stephen Hawes 16863 % 16864 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 16865 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 16866 -- Sir Thomas More 16867 % 16868 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 16869 get themselves filed. 16870 -- Clifton Fadiman 16871 % 16872 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 16873 the same room and let them fight it out. 16874 -- Stephen Wright 16875 % 16876 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 16877 put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 16878 -- Steven Wright 16879 % 16880 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 16881 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 16882 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 16883 and bad music may be put on record forever. 16884 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 16885 % 16886 For people who like that kind of book, 16887 that is the kind of book they will like. 16888 % 16889 FOR SALE: 16890 Parachute. Used once. 16891 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 16892 % 16893 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 16894 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 16895 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 16896 % 16897 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 16898 % 16899 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 16900 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 16901 last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 16902 -- Jehan Shuman 16903 % 16904 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 16905 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 16906 was a gate. 16907 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 16908 16909 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 16910 referring to system overview.] 16911 16912 % 16913 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 16914 This gives me great hope for the human race. 16915 -- Harlan Ellison 16916 % 16917 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 16918 % 16919 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 16920 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 16921 % 16922 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 16923 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 16924 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 16925 16926 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 16927 referring to powerfail recovery.] 16928 % 16929 For they starve the frightened little child 16930 Till it weeps both night and day: 16931 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 16932 And gibe the old and grey, 16933 And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 16934 And none a word may say. 16935 16936 Each narrow cell in which we dwell 16937 Is a foul and dark latrine, 16938 And the fetid breath of living Death 16939 Chokes up each grated screen, 16940 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 16941 In Humanity's machine. 16942 16943 And all men kill the thing they love, 16944 By all let this be heard, 16945 Some do it with a bitter look, 16946 Some with a flattering word, 16947 The coward does it with a kiss, 16948 The brave man with a sword. 16949 -- Oscar Wilde 16950 % 16951 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 16952 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 16953 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 16954 spend my evenings?" 16955 -- Chamfort 16956 % 16957 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 16958 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 16959 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 16960 protected species. 16961 Ingredients: 16962 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 16963 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 16964 1 teaspoonful salt 16965 8 oz. shredded suet 16966 2 small onions 16967 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 16968 16969 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 16970 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 16971 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 16972 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 16973 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 16974 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 16975 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 16976 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 16977 four to five hours. 16978 % 16979 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 16980 -- Abraham Lincoln 16981 % 16982 For three days after death hair and fingernails 16983 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 16984 -- Johnny Carson 16985 % 16986 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- 16987 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 16988 But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 16989 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 16990 -- Justin Richardson. 16991 % 16992 Force has no place where there is need of skill. 16993 -- Herodotus 16994 % 16995 "Force is but might," the teacher said-- 16996 "That definition's just." 16997 The boy said naught but thought instead, 16998 Remembering his pounded head: 16999 "Force is not might but must!" 17000 % 17001 Force it!!! 17002 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17003 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17004 % 17005 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17006 % 17007 Forecast, n: 17008 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17009 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17010 % 17011 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17012 % 17013 Forgetfulness, n: 17014 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17015 their destitution of conscience. 17016 % 17017 Forgive and forget. 17018 -- Cervantes 17019 % 17020 Forgive him, 17021 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17022 -- G.B. Shaw 17023 % 17024 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17025 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17026 -- Robert Frost 17027 % 17028 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17029 -- John F. Kennedy 17030 % 17031 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17032 % 17033 FORTH IF HONK THEN 17034 % 17035 FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17036 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17037 -- D. Gries 17038 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17039 % 17040 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 17041 % 17042 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17043 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17044 -- A.J. Perlis 17045 % 17046 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17047 -- Steven Feiner 17048 % 17049 FORTRAN rots the brain. 17050 -- John McQuillin 17051 % 17052 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17053 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17054 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17055 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17056 % 17057 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is 17058 hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have 17059 in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive 17060 to use. 17061 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 17062 % 17063 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17064 probably for at least the next decade. 17065 -- T. Cheatham 17066 % 17067 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17068 % 17069 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17070 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17071 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17072 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17073 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17074 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 17075 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17076 the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17077 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17078 No. 2, pg. 215 17079 % 17080 Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17081 -- Ovid 17082 % 17083 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17084 17085 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17086 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17087 my dissertation to rhyme. 17088 % 17089 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17090 17091 Q: Is God a myth? 17092 A: No, He's a mythter. 17093 % 17094 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17095 % 17096 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17097 17098 Low Blows: 17099 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17100 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17101 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17102 17103 Dressing Up: 17104 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17105 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17106 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17107 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17108 party". 17109 17110 David Letterman: 17111 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17112 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17113 haircut. 17114 % 17115 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17116 17117 Relationships: 17118 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17119 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17120 basis". 17121 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17122 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17123 she will get on with her life. 17124 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17125 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17126 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17127 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17128 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17129 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17130 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17131 these classes rarely prove effective. 17132 % 17133 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17134 17135 Shoes: 17136 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17137 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17138 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17139 17140 Making friends: 17141 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17142 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17143 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17144 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17145 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17146 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17147 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17148 jerk, I guess you're OK." 17149 % 17150 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 17151 17152 Desserts: 17153 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 17154 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 17155 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 17156 grabbing the cherry in the center. 17157 17158 Car repair: 17159 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 17160 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 17161 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 17162 fixed without special tools". 17163 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 17164 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 17165 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 17166 the average man. 17167 % 17168 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 17169 17170 Weddings: 17171 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 17172 Men talk about "the bachelor party". 17173 17174 Clothes: 17175 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 17176 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 17177 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 17178 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 17179 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 17180 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 17181 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 17182 % 17183 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 17184 17185 Trust: 17186 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 17187 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 17188 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 17189 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 17190 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 17191 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 17192 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 17193 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 17194 17195 Driving: 17196 17197 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 17198 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 17199 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 17200 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 17201 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 17202 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 17203 price their policies accordingly. 17204 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 17205 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 17206 her makeup. 17207 % 17208 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 17209 17210 Bathrooms: 17211 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 17212 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 17213 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 17214 would not be able to identify most of these items. 17215 17216 Groceries: 17217 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 17218 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 17219 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 17220 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 17221 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 17222 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 17223 % 17224 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 17225 17226 Going Out: 17227 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 17228 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 17229 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 17230 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 17231 17232 Cats: 17233 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 17234 looking, men kick cats. 17235 17236 Offspring: 17237 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 17238 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 17239 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 17240 aware of some short people living in the house. 17241 % 17242 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 17243 17244 Laundry: 17245 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 17246 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 17247 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 17248 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 17249 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 17250 the laundromat. This is a myth. 17251 17252 Nicknames: 17253 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 17254 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 17255 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 17256 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 17257 17258 Socks: 17259 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 17260 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 17261 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 17262 % 17263 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 17264 17265 CARTABLANCA: 17266 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells 17267 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 17268 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 17269 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 17270 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 17271 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 17272 % 17273 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 17274 17275 MONOPOLI: 17276 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 17277 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 17278 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 17279 Boardwalk property. 17280 % 17281 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 17282 17283 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 17284 17285 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 17286 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 17287 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in 17288 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 17289 With Julie Christie. 17290 % 17291 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 17292 17293 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 17294 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 17295 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 17296 into your heart. 17297 % 17298 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 17299 17300 WITLESS: 17301 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 17302 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 17303 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 17304 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 17305 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 17306 % 17307 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 17308 17309 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 17310 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 17311 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 17312 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 17313 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 17314 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 17315 a glowing performance. 17316 % 17317 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 17318 17319 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 17320 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 17321 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 17322 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 17323 % 17324 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 17325 17326 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 17327 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 17328 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 17329 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 17330 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 17331 younger viewers. 17332 % 17333 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 17334 17335 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 17336 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 17337 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 17338 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 17339 17340 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 17341 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 17342 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 17343 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 17344 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 17345 % 17346 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 17347 17348 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 17349 17350 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 17351 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 17352 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 17353 % 17354 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17355 17356 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 17357 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 17358 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 17359 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 17360 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 17361 as that in support of an affirmative. 17362 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 17363 % 17364 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17365 17366 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 17367 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 17368 seems to us that someone has been very careless. 17369 -- 78 So. 365. 17370 % 17371 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17372 17373 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 17374 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 17375 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 17376 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 17377 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 17378 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 17379 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 17380 % 17381 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 17382 17383 skilled oral communicator: 17384 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 17385 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 17386 17387 skilled written communicator: 17388 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 17389 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 17390 17391 growth potential: 17392 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, 17393 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 17394 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 17395 17396 key company figure: 17397 Serves as the perfect counter example. 17398 % 17399 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 17400 17401 consistent: 17402 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 17403 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 17404 17405 an excellent sounding board: 17406 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 17407 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 17408 17409 a planner and organizer: 17410 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 17411 animal tags on his clothing. 17412 % 17413 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 17414 17415 has management potential: 17416 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 17417 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 17418 pencil monitor. 17419 17420 inspirational: 17421 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 17422 go I.") 17423 17424 adapts to stress: 17425 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 17426 situation. 17427 17428 goal oriented: 17429 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 17430 to meet them. 17431 % 17432 Fortune favors the lucky. 17433 % 17434 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 17435 17436 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 17437 % 17438 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 17439 17440 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 17441 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 17442 Cowboy cheerleaders. 17443 % 17444 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 17445 17446 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 17447 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 17448 Juliet, this bud's for you. 17449 % 17450 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 17451 17452 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 17453 you've made happy. 17454 % 17455 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 17456 17457 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 17458 No, I guess not. 17459 % 17460 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 17461 17462 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 17463 % 17464 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 17465 17466 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 17467 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 17468 % 17469 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 17470 17471 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 17472 % 17473 fortune: No such file or directory 17474 % 17475 fortune: not found 17476 % 17477 Fortune presents: 17478 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 17479 17480 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 17481 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 17482 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 17483 renkontas. I've met. 17484 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 17485 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 17486 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 17487 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 17488 % 17489 Fortune presents: 17490 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 17491 17492 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 17493 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 17494 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 17495 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 17496 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 17497 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 17498 % 17499 Fortune presents: 17500 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 17501 17502 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 17503 ^cevalon. 17504 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 17505 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 17506 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 17507 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 17508 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 17509 % 17510 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 17511 17512 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 17513 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 17514 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 17515 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 17516 % 17517 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 17518 17519 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 17520 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 17521 % 17522 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 17523 17524 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 17525 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 17526 % 17527 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 17528 17529 A: To be or not to be. 17530 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 17531 % 17532 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 17533 17534 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 17535 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 17536 % 17537 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 17538 17539 A: Chicken Teriyaki. 17540 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 17541 % 17542 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 17543 17544 A: Go west, young man, go west! 17545 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 17546 % 17547 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 17548 17549 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 17550 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 17551 % 17552 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 17553 17554 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 17555 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 17556 % 17557 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 17558 17559 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 17560 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 17561 % 17562 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 17563 17564 Try: 17565 ar t "God" 17566 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 17567 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 17568 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 17569 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 17570 rm God 17571 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 17572 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17573 make "heads or tails of all this" 17574 who is smart 17575 (C shell) 17576 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 17577 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17578 % 17579 Fortune's current rates: 17580 17581 Answers .10 17582 Long answers .25 17583 Answers requiring thought .50 17584 Correct answers $1.00 17585 17586 Dumb looks are still free. 17587 % 17588 Fortune's diet truths: 17589 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 17590 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 17591 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 17592 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 17593 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 17594 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 17595 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 17596 appealing as tepid beer. 17597 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 17598 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 17599 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 17600 it isn't. 17601 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 17602 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 17603 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 17604 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 17605 swallowing. 17606 % 17607 Fortune's Exercising Truths: 17608 17609 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 17610 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 17611 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 17612 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 17613 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 17614 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 17615 you twitter around in your chair. 17616 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 17617 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 17618 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 17619 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 17620 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 17621 followed by one throw-up. 17622 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 17623 % 17624 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 17625 Christmas Rum Cake 17626 17627 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 17628 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 17629 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 17630 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 17631 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 17632 17633 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 17634 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 17635 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 17636 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 17637 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 17638 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 17639 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 17640 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 17641 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 17642 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 17643 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 17644 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 17645 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 17646 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 17647 poothtick comes out crean. 17648 % 17649 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17650 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 17651 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 17652 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 17653 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 17654 rather than a spotted one. 17655 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 17656 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 17657 legume-part of the pea family. 17658 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 17659 % 17660 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17661 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 17662 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 17663 % 17664 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 17665 Can you name the seven seas? 17666 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 17667 North Pacific, South Pacific. 17668 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 17669 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 17670 % 17671 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 17672 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 17673 % 17674 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 17675 17676 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 17677 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 17678 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 17679 % 17680 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17681 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 17682 at least once a year. 17683 % 17684 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 17685 17686 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 17687 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 17688 % 17689 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 17690 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 17691 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 17692 ability in that particular field." 17693 % 17694 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17695 17696 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 17697 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 17698 % 17699 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 17700 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 17701 % 17702 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 17703 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 17704 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 17705 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 17706 % 17707 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 17708 17709 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 17710 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 17711 % 17712 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 17713 17714 August 27, 1949: 17715 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 17716 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 17717 % 17718 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 17719 What to do... 17720 if reality disappears? 17721 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 17722 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 17723 17724 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 17725 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 17726 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 17727 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 17728 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 17729 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 17730 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 17731 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 17732 % 17733 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 17734 What to do... 17735 if you get a phone call from Mars: 17736 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 17737 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 17738 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 17739 17740 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 17741 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 17742 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 17743 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 17744 calling. 17745 17746 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 17747 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 17748 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 17749 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 17750 charges may have been reversed. 17751 % 17752 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 17753 What to do... 17754 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 17755 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 17756 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 17757 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 17758 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 17759 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 17760 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 17761 17762 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 17763 closet contains an alternate dimension? 17764 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 17765 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 17766 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 17767 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 17768 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 17769 % 17770 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 17771 17772 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 17773 17774 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 17775 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 17776 combination of beauty and power. Few have 17777 excelled him in the use of the English language, 17778 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 17779 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 17780 single poem ever written." 17781 17782 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 17783 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 17784 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 17785 bungling and greed of President 17786 Roosevelt. 17787 17788 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 17789 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 17790 % 17791 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 17792 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 17793 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 17794 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 17795 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 17796 17797 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 17798 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." 17799 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 17800 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 17801 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 17802 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 17803 fertilization." 17804 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 17805 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 17806 % 17807 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 17808 17809 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 17810 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 17811 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 17812 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 17813 % 17814 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 17815 17816 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 17817 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 17818 the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 17819 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 17820 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 17821 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 17822 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 17823 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 17824 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 17825 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 17826 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 17827 17828 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 17829 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 17830 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 17831 % 17832 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 17833 17834 Never goose a wolverine. 17835 % 17836 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 17837 17838 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 17839 % 17840 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 17841 % 17842 Four be the things I am wiser to know: 17843 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 17844 17845 Four be the things I'd been better without: 17846 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 17847 17848 Three be the things I shall never attain: 17849 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 17850 17851 Three be the things I shall have till I die: 17852 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 17853 -- Inventory 17854 % 17855 Four be the things I'd been better without: 17856 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 17857 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" 17858 % 17859 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 17860 tombstones, women and competitors. 17861 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 17862 % 17863 Four hours to bury the cat? 17864 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 17865 % 17866 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 17867 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 17868 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 17869 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 17870 % 17871 Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 17872 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 17873 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 17874 17875 Corollary: 17876 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 17877 study for that instructor's course. 17878 % 17879 Fourth Law of Revision: 17880 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 17881 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 17882 for you. 17883 % 17884 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 17885 -- Rhett Buggler 17886 % 17887 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 17888 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 17889 % 17890 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. 17891 -- A Yippie Proverb 17892 % 17893 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 17894 % 17895 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 17896 % 17897 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 17898 -- Camus 17899 % 17900 Freedom is slavery. 17901 Ignorance is strength. 17902 War is peace. 17903 -- George Orwell 17904 % 17905 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 17906 % 17907 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 17908 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 17909 % 17910 Fremen add life to spice! 17911 % 17912 Fresco's Discovery: 17913 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 17914 % 17915 Friction is a drag. 17916 % 17917 Fried's 1st Rule: 17918 Increased automation of clerical function 17919 invariably results in increased operational costs. 17920 % 17921 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 17922 -- Thomas Jones 17923 % 17924 Friends, n: 17925 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 17926 17927 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 17928 % 17929 Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 17930 Let me clue you in; 17931 I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 17932 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 17933 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. 17934 The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 17935 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 17936 And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 17937 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a 17938 real cool cat; 17939 So are they all, all cool cats, -- 17940 Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 17941 % 17942 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 17943 over the other. 17944 -- Honore de Balzac 17945 % 17946 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 17947 your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 17948 % 17949 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 17950 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 17951 % 17952 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 17953 That is the point that must be reached. 17954 -- F. Kafka 17955 % 17956 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 17957 % 17958 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 17959 -- Bertolt Brecht 17960 % 17961 From the crystal swirling waters, 17962 Of the Rio Amazon, 17963 To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 17964 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 17965 From ev'ry hallowed venue, 17966 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 17967 Your butt is on the menu 17968 And the check is in the mail. 17969 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 17970 % 17971 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 17972 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 17973 -- Groucho Marx 17974 % 17975 From too much love of living, 17976 From hope and fear set free, 17977 We thank with brief thanskgiving, 17978 Whatever gods may be, 17979 That no life lives forever, 17980 That dead men rise up never, 17981 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 17982 -- Swinburne 17983 % 17984 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 17985 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 17986 Hemingway: 17987 "Yes. They have more money." 17988 % 17989 Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 17990 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 17991 % 17992 Fun experiments: 17993 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 17994 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 17995 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 17996 % 17997 Fun Facts, #14: 17998 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 17999 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 18000 % 18001 Fun Facts, #63: 18002 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 18003 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 18004 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 18005 1510. 18006 % 18007 Function reject. 18008 % 18009 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 18010 % 18011 FURBLING: 18012 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18013 even when you are the only person in line. 18014 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18015 % 18016 furbling, v: 18017 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18018 even when you are the only person in line. 18019 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18020 % 18021 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18022 -- H.H. Williams 18023 % 18024 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 18025 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 18026 % 18027 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 18028 % 18029 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 18030 -- Joseph Stalin 18031 % 18032 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 18033 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 18034 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 18035 % 18036 Garbage In - Gospel Out. 18037 % 18038 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 18039 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 18040 -- Adventures of Asterix 18041 % 18042 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 18043 18044 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the 18045 harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 18046 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 18047 Obvious, isn't it? 18048 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 18049 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 18050 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 18051 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 18052 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 18053 individuals and then grow.... 18054 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 18055 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 18056 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 18057 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 18058 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? 18059 I think not, my friend, I think not. 18060 -- Arthur Naiman 18061 % 18062 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 18063 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 18064 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 18065 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 18066 in it today, either. 18067 % 18068 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 18069 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 18070 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 18071 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 18072 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 18073 % 18074 GENDERPLEX: 18075 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18076 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). 18077 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18078 % 18079 genderplex, n: 18080 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18081 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 18082 tortoises). 18083 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18084 % 18085 GENEALOGY: 18086 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 18087 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 18088 -- Ambrose Bierce 18089 % 18090 General notions are generally wrong. 18091 -- Lady M.W. Montagu 18092 % 18093 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 18094 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 18095 % 18096 Generic Fortune. 18097 % 18098 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 18099 % 18100 Genetics explains why you look like your father, 18101 and if you don't, why you should. 18102 % 18103 GENIUS: 18104 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 18105 % 18106 GENIUS: 18107 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 18108 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 18109 all the right things to all the right people. 18110 % 18111 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 18112 -- Owen Meredith 18113 % 18114 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 18115 -- Thomas Alva Edison 18116 % 18117 Genius is pain. 18118 -- John Lennon 18119 % 18120 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 18121 % 18122 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 18123 % 18124 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 18125 -- Elbert Hubbard 18126 % 18127 genius, n: 18128 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 18129 "bright". 18130 % 18131 genlock, n: 18132 Why he stays in the bottle. 18133 % 18134 Gentlemen, 18135 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 18136 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 18137 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 18138 thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 18139 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 18140 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 18141 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 18142 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 18143 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 18144 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 18145 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 18146 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 18147 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 18148 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, 18149 a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 18150 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 18151 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 18152 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 18153 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 18154 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 18155 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 18156 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 18157 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 18158 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 18159 London, 1812 18160 % 18161 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 18162 old girl friend. 18163 % 18164 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 18165 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 18166 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 18167 18168 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 18169 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 18170 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 18171 % 18172 George Orwell was an optimist. 18173 % 18174 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 18175 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 18176 -- Ashley Cooper 18177 % 18178 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 18179 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 18180 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 18181 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 18182 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 18183 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 18184 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 18185 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 18186 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 18187 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 18188 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 18189 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 18190 gonna get on Labor Day." 18191 % 18192 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 18193 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 18194 "And he didn't understand me." 18195 % 18196 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 18197 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 18198 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 18199 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 18200 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 18201 much as to make the task totally impossible. 18202 % 18203 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 18204 % 18205 Get GUMMed 18206 ---------- 18207 18208 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 18209 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 18210 directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 18211 hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 18212 forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 18213 sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 18214 ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 18215 of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 18216 Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 18217 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 18218 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 18219 GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 18220 them. 18221 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 18222 % 18223 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 18224 -- Dylan Thomas 18225 % 18226 Getting into trouble is easy. 18227 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 18228 % 18229 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 18230 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 18231 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 18232 of the American Bar Association 18233 % 18234 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 18235 18236 Corollary: 18237 Following the rules will not get the job done. 18238 % 18239 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 18240 % 18241 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 18242 18243 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 18244 Snatch them from their little housies (...) 18245 First we chase them 'round the field (...) 18246 Then we have them for a meal (...) 18247 18248 Toss them here and catch them there (...) 18249 See them flying through the air (...) 18250 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 18251 Falling mice have great appeal (...) 18252 18253 See the hunter stretched before us (...) 18254 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 18255 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 18256 Of the blood of little critters (...) 18257 % 18258 Gilbert's Discovery: 18259 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 18260 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 18261 % 18262 Gil-galad was an Elven-King 18263 of him the harpers sadly sing; 18264 the last whose realm was fair and free 18265 between the Mountains and the Sea. 18266 18267 His sword was long, his lance was keen, 18268 his shining helm afar was seen; 18269 the countless stars of heaven's field 18270 were mirrored in his silver shield. 18271 18272 But long ago he rode away, 18273 and where he dwelleth none can say; 18274 for into darkness fell his star 18275 in Mordor where the shadows are. 18276 % 18277 Ginger Snap 18278 % 18279 Ginsberg's Theorem: 18280 1. You can't win. 18281 2. You can't break even. 18282 3. You can't even quit the game. 18283 18284 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 18285 18286 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 18287 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 18288 Theorem. To wit: 18289 18290 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 18291 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 18292 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 18293 % 18294 Ginsburg's Law: 18295 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 18296 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 18297 % 18298 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 18299 % 18300 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 18301 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 18302 -- Calvin Keegan 18303 % 18304 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 18305 that everything he encounters needs pounding. 18306 % 18307 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 18308 % 18309 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 18310 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 18311 % 18312 Give him an evasive answer. 18313 % 18314 Give me a fish and I will eat today. 18315 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 18316 % 18317 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 18318 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 18319 % 18320 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 18321 % 18322 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 18323 -- St. Augustine 18324 % 18325 Give me libertines or give me meth. 18326 % 18327 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 18328 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 18329 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 18330 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 18331 -- George Canning 18332 % 18333 Give me your students, your secretaries, 18334 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 18335 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 18336 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 18337 I lift my disk beside the processor. 18338 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 18339 % 18340 Give thought to your reputation. 18341 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 18342 % 18343 GIVE UP!!!! 18344 % 18345 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 18346 % 18347 Give your very best today. 18348 Heaven knows it's little enough. 18349 % 18350 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 18351 -- William Faulkner 18352 % 18353 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 18354 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 18355 -- John Gilmore 18356 % 18357 Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 18358 % 18359 Given sufficient time, what you put 18360 off doing today will get done by itself. 18361 % 18362 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 18363 rather lie around. No contest. 18364 -- Eric Clapton 18365 % 18366 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 18367 car keys to teenage boys. 18368 -- P.J. O'Rourke 18369 % 18370 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 18371 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 18372 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 18373 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 18374 % 18375 GLEEMITES: 18376 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 18377 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18378 % 18379 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 18380 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 18381 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 18382 some useful work done. 18383 % 18384 Gloffing is a state of mine. 18385 % 18386 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 18387 fifth of dry red wine 18388 fifth of Aquavit 18389 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 18390 10 cardamom seeds 18391 1 cup raisins 18392 4 dried figs 18393 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 18394 a few pieces of dried orange peel 18395 5 cloves 18396 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 18397 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 18398 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 18399 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 18400 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 18401 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 18402 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 18403 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 18404 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 18405 extraction. 18406 % 18407 Go ahead... make my day. 18408 -- Dirty Harry 18409 % 18410 Go ahead, make my day. 18411 -- Harry Callahan 18412 % 18413 Go away, I'm all right. 18414 -- H.G. Wells' last words. 18415 % 18416 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 18417 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 18418 18419 logout 18420 % 18421 Go climb a gravity well. 18422 % 18423 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 18424 % 18425 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 18426 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 18427 % 18428 Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go 18429 into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this 18430 morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to 18431 start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. 18432 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home 18433 % 18434 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 18435 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 18436 % 18437 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 18438 but quickly to their misfortunes. 18439 -- Chilo 18440 % 18441 Go to a movie tonight. 18442 Darkness becomes you. 18443 % 18444 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 18445 all your troubles. 18446 -- Andrew Jackson 18447 18448 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 18449 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 18450 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 18451 -- Calvin Coolidge 18452 18453 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 18454 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 18455 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 18456 secure which is not supported by moral habits. 18457 -- Daniel Webster 18458 % 18459 Go 'way! You're bothering me! 18460 % 18461 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 18462 -- Wally Shawn 18463 % 18464 GOD: 18465 Darwin's chief rival. 18466 % 18467 God created a few perfect heads. 18468 The rest he covered with hair. 18469 % 18470 God created woman. 18471 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 18472 but many other things ceased as well. 18473 Woman was God's second mistake. 18474 -- Nietzsche 18475 % 18476 God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed 18477 around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. 18478 % 18479 God gave man two ears and one tongue so 18480 that we listen twice as much as we speak. 18481 -- Arab proverb 18482 % 18483 God gives burdens; also shoulders. 18484 18485 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 18486 at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 18487 saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 18488 though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 18489 -- Arthur Naiman 18490 % 18491 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 18492 % 18493 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 18494 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 18495 % 18496 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 18497 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 18498 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 18499 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 18500 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 18501 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 18502 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 18503 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 18504 % 18505 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 18506 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 18507 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 18508 % 18509 God help those who do not help themselves. 18510 -- Wilson Mizner 18511 % 18512 God helps them that helps themselves. 18513 -- B. Franklin 18514 % 18515 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 18516 % 18517 God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 18518 but by pains and contradictions. 18519 -- De Caussade 18520 % 18521 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 18522 % 18523 God is a polytheist. 18524 % 18525 God is Dead. 18526 -- Nietzsche 18527 Nietzsche is Dead. 18528 -- God 18529 Nietzsche is God. 18530 -- Dead 18531 % 18532 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 18533 -- Ralph Moonen 18534 % 18535 God is love, but get it in writing. 18536 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 18537 % 18538 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 18539 much less ambitious project. 18540 % 18541 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! 18542 % 18543 God is real, unless declared integer. 18544 % 18545 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 18546 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 18547 other things. 18548 -- Pablo Picasso 18549 % 18550 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 18551 -- Alfred Jarry 18552 % 18553 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 18554 % 18555 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 18556 % 18557 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 18558 -- Paul Valery 18559 % 18560 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 18561 % 18562 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 18563 -- Kronecker 18564 % 18565 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 18566 % 18567 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. 18568 -- Albert Einstein 18569 % 18570 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 18571 % 18572 God must love the common man; He made so many of them. 18573 % 18574 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 18575 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 18576 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 18577 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 18578 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 18579 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 18580 (chorus) (chorus) 18581 18582 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 18583 They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 18584 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 18585 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 18586 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 18587 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 18588 (chorus) (chorus) 18589 18590 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 18591 Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 18592 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 18593 Won't ruin your whole day. 18594 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 18595 (chorus) 18596 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 18597 % 18598 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 18599 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 18600 -- William Bragg 18601 % 18602 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 18603 % 18604 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 18605 % 18606 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 18607 to receive it. 18608 -- Austin O'Malley 18609 % 18610 God votes Republican. 18611 % 18612 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 18613 -- Samuel Butler 18614 % 18615 Goda's Truism: 18616 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 18617 somebody moves the ends. 18618 % 18619 Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 18620 % 18621 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 18622 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 18623 % 18624 Gold, n: 18625 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 18626 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 18627 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 18628 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 18629 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 18630 % 18631 Goldenstern's Rules: 18632 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 18633 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 18634 % 18635 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 18636 eating before he bursts. 18637 % 18638 Gold's Law: 18639 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18640 % 18641 Gomme's Laws: 18642 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 18643 (2) Time accelerates. 18644 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 18645 % 18646 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 18647 -- by Margaret Mitchell 18648 18649 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 18650 18651 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 18652 -- by O. Henry 18653 18654 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 18655 18656 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 18657 -- by Ernest Hemingway 18658 18659 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 18660 18661 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 18662 -- by Anne Frank 18663 18664 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 18665 % 18666 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 18667 % 18668 Good advice is something a man gives 18669 when he is too old to set a bad example. 18670 -- La Rouchefoucauld 18671 % 18672 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 18673 % 18674 Good day for business affairs. 18675 Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 18676 % 18677 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 18678 % 18679 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 18680 % 18681 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 18682 % 18683 Good day to deal with people in high places; 18684 particularly lonely stewardesses. 18685 % 18686 Good day to let down old friends who need help. 18687 % 18688 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 18689 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 18690 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 18691 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 18692 % 18693 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 18694 % 18695 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 18696 % 18697 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 18698 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 18699 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 18700 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 18701 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 18702 % 18703 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 18704 % 18705 Good judgement comes from experience. 18706 Experience comes from bad judgement. 18707 -- Jim Horning 18708 % 18709 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 18710 % 18711 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 18712 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 18713 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 18714 % 18715 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 18716 % 18717 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 18718 % 18719 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 18720 % 18721 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 18722 % 18723 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 18724 % 18725 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 18726 new lover. 18727 % 18728 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 18729 -- R.E. Schenk 18730 % 18731 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 18732 -- Gail Godwin 18733 % 18734 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 18735 -- George Saunders' dying words 18736 % 18737 Goodbye, cool world. 18738 % 18739 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 18740 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human 18741 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 18742 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 18743 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 18744 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 18745 holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 18746 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 18747 % 18748 Gordon's Law: 18749 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 18750 % 18751 gossip, n: 18752 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 18753 -- Earl Wilson 18754 % 18755 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 18756 % 18757 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 18758 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 18759 18760 1-800-AUDITME 18761 % 18762 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 18763 % 18764 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 18765 I went out for a ride and never came back. 18766 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 18767 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 18768 18769 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18770 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18771 Lay down your money and you play your part, 18772 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18773 18774 I met her in a Kingstown bar, 18775 We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 18776 We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 18777 Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 18778 18779 Everybody needs a place to rest, 18780 Everybody wants to have a home. 18781 Don't make no difference what nobody says, 18782 Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 18783 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 18784 % 18785 Got Mole problems? 18786 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 18787 % 18788 Gourmet, n: 18789 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 18790 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 18791 leaving the best part. 18792 % 18793 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 18794 -- Lao Tsu 18795 % 18796 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 18797 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 18798 know much. 18799 -- The Best of Will Rogers 18800 % 18801 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 18802 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 18803 doesn't know much. 18804 -- Will Rogers 18805 % 18806 Government's Law: 18807 There is an exception to all laws. 18808 % 18809 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 18810 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 18811 board. 18812 -- Princess Leia Organa 18813 % 18814 Grabel's Law: 18815 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 18816 % 18817 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 18818 % 18819 Graduate students and most professors are 18820 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 18821 % 18822 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 18823 he exclaimed: 18824 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 18825 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 18826 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 18827 % 18828 Grandpa Charnock's Law: 18829 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18830 18831 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 18832 % 18833 Graphics blind the eyes. 18834 Audio files deafen the ear. 18835 Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 18836 Heuristics weaken the mind. 18837 Options wither the heart. 18838 18839 The Guru observes the net 18840 but trusts his inner vision. 18841 He allows things to come and go. 18842 His heart is as open as the ether. 18843 % 18844 GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 18845 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 18846 % 18847 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 18848 -- Joseph Alsop 18849 % 18850 GRAVITY: 18851 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 18852 % 18853 Gravity brings me down. 18854 % 18855 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 18856 % 18857 Gray's Law of Programming: 18858 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 18859 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 18860 18861 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 18862 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 18863 % 18864 Great acts are made up of small deeds. 18865 -- Lao Tsu 18866 % 18867 Great American Axiom: 18868 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 18869 % 18870 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 18871 18872 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 18873 place of residence. 18874 % 18875 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 18876 18877 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 18878 % 18879 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 18880 18881 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 18882 % 18883 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 18884 -- Albert Einstein 18885 18886 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 18887 also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 18888 -- Carl Sagan 18889 % 18890 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 18891 % 18892 Green light in A.M. for new projects. 18893 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 18894 % 18895 Green's Law of Debate: 18896 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 18897 % 18898 Grelb's Reminder: 18899 Eighty percent of all people consider 18900 themselves to be above average drivers. 18901 % 18902 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 18903 % 18904 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 18905 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 18906 -- Mark Twain 18907 % 18908 Griffin's Thought: 18909 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 18910 % 18911 Grig (the navigator): 18912 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 18913 armada. 18914 Alex (the gunner): 18915 What?!? 18916 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 18917 overwhelming odds. 18918 Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 18919 Grig: That's the spirit! 18920 -- The Last Starfighter 18921 % 18922 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 18923 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 18924 % 18925 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 18926 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 18927 -- Johnny Carson 18928 % 18929 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 18930 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 18931 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 18932 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 18933 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 18934 maybe, but not in the House." 18935 % 18936 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 18937 -- Maurice Chevalier 18938 % 18939 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 18940 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 18941 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 18942 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 18943 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 18944 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 18945 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 18946 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 18947 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 18948 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 18949 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 18950 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 18951 universe while straddling a giant worm. 18952 -- Arnold Klein 18953 % 18954 Grub first, then ethics. 18955 -- Bertolt Brecht 18956 % 18957 GUILLOTINE: 18958 A French chopping center. 18959 % 18960 Gumperson's Law: 18961 The probability of a given event 18962 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 18963 % 18964 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 18965 % 18966 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 18967 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 18968 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 18969 (2) The strength of the turbulence 18970 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 18971 % 18972 GURMLISH: 18973 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 18974 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 18975 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18976 % 18977 gurmlish, n.: 18978 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 18979 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof 18980 of his mouth. 18981 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18982 % 18983 GURU: 18984 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 18985 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 18986 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 18987 % 18988 guru, n: 18989 A computer owner who can read the manual. 18990 % 18991 gy-ro-scope: 18992 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 18993 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to 18994 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the 18995 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of 18996 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the 18997 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on 18998 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction 18999 of the axis of spin. 19000 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 19001 % 19002 hacker, n: 19003 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 19004 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 19005 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. 19006 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 19007 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 19008 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 19009 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 19010 19011 Hacker's Fight Song 19012 19013 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 19014 He's a guy with the happy knack! 19015 Never bungles, never shirks, 19016 Always gets his stuff to work! 19017 19018 All take a drink (important!) 19019 % 19020 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 19021 % 19022 Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 19023 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 19024 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 19025 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 19026 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 19027 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 19028 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 19029 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 19030 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 19031 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 19032 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 19033 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 19034 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 19035 the ceiling(3m). 19036 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 19037 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 19038 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 19039 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 19040 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 19041 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 19042 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 19043 % 19044 Hacker's Law: 19045 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 19046 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19047 % 19048 Hackers of the world, unite! 19049 % 19050 Hacker's Quicky #313: 19051 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 19052 Microwave Egg Roll 19053 Chocolate Milk 19054 % 19055 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 19056 % 19057 "Had he and I but met 19058 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 19059 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 19060 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 19061 And killed him in his place. 19062 I shot him dead because -- 19063 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 19064 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 19065 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 19066 No other reason why. 19067 Yes; quaint and curious war is! 19068 You shoot a fellow down 19069 You'd treat, if met where any bar is 19070 Or help to half-a-crown." 19071 -- Thomas Hardy 19072 % 19073 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 19074 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 19075 -- Alfonso the Wise 19076 19077 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19078 referring to operating system initialization.] 19079 % 19080 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 19081 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 19082 % 19083 Hail to the sun god 19084 He's such a fun god 19085 Ra! Ra! Ra! 19086 % 19087 Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 19088 % 19089 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 19090 a big enough majority in any town? 19091 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 19092 % 19093 Hale Mail Rule, The: 19094 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 19095 one of the following: 19096 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 19097 (b) Stationery. 19098 (c) Postage stamp. 19099 (d) The letter you are answering. 19100 % 19101 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 19102 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 19103 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 19104 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 19105 % 19106 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) 19107 % 19108 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 19109 % 19110 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 19111 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 19112 % 19113 half-done, n: 19114 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 19115 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 19116 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 19117 difference between life and death. 19118 19119 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 19120 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 19121 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 19122 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 19123 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 19124 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 19125 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 19126 -- Arthur Naiman 19127 % 19128 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 19129 % 19130 Hall's Laws of Politics: 19131 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 19132 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 19133 something fixed. 19134 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 19135 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 19136 their own districts). 19137 % 19138 hand, n: 19139 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 19140 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 19141 % 19142 Handel's Proverb: 19143 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 19144 % 19145 handshaking protocol, n: 19146 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 19147 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 19148 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 19149 % 19150 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 19151 -- Pink Floyd 19152 % 19153 hangover, n: 19154 The wrath of grapes. 19155 % 19156 Hanlon's Razor: 19157 Never attribute to malice 19158 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 19159 % 19160 Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19161 There are never enough hours in a day, 19162 but always too many days before Saturday. 19163 % 19164 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 19165 % 19166 happiness, adv: 19167 An agreeable sensation arising 19168 from contemplating the misery of another. 19169 % 19170 happiness, adv: 19171 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 19172 % 19173 Happiness is a hard disk. 19174 % 19175 Happiness is a positive cash flow. 19176 % 19177 Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 19178 -- Ingrid Bergman 19179 % 19180 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 19181 -- Ogden Nash 19182 % 19183 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 19184 % 19185 Happiness is the greatest good. 19186 % 19187 Happiness is twin floppies. 19188 % 19189 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 19190 % 19191 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 19192 -- Oscar Levant 19193 % 19194 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 19195 % 19196 Happy feast of the pig! 19197 % 19198 Happy is the child whose father died rich. 19199 % 19200 hard, adj: 19201 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 19202 of other people. 19203 % 19204 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 19205 -- Daniel Dennett 19206 % 19207 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 19208 % 19209 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 19210 -- Charlie McCarthy 19211 % 19212 Hardware: 19213 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19214 % 19215 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 19216 and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 19217 sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 19218 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 19219 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 19220 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 19221 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 19222 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 19223 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 19224 % 19225 hardware, n: 19226 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19227 % 19228 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 19229 The Duke is fond of kittens 19230 He likes to take their insides out 19231 And use them for his mittens 19232 -- The Thirteen Clocks 19233 % 19234 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 19235 Advertising wondrous things. 19236 19237 Angels we have heard on High 19238 Tell us to go out and Buy. 19239 % 19240 Harp not on that string. 19241 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19242 % 19243 Harriet's Dining Observation: 19244 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 19245 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 19246 % 19247 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 19248 and I were waiting with our plates ready. 19249 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 19250 the gravy with." 19251 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 19252 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 19253 again, Harris and the pie were gone! 19254 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 19255 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 19256 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 19257 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 19258 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 19259 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 19260 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 19261 theory. 19262 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 19263 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 19264 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 19265 hadn't been carving that pie." 19266 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 19267 % 19268 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 19269 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 19270 equipment ruined. 19271 % 19272 Harrison's Postulate: 19273 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 19274 % 19275 Harris's Lament: 19276 All the good ones are taken. 19277 % 19278 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 19279 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 19280 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 19281 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 19282 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 19283 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 19284 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 19285 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 19286 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 19287 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 19288 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 19289 waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 19290 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 19291 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 19292 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 19293 you know." 19294 % 19295 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 19296 all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 19297 its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 19298 romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 19299 wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 19300 amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 19301 We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 19302 We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 19303 -- Dave Barry 19304 % 19305 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 19306 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 19307 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 19308 with all that pep and vitality. 19309 % 19310 Hartley's First Law: 19311 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 19312 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 19313 % 19314 Hartley's Second Law: 19315 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19316 % 19317 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: 19318 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19319 19320 My corollary: 19321 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 19322 % 19323 Harvard Law: 19324 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 19325 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 19326 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 19327 % 19328 HARVARD: 19329 Quarterback: 19330 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 19331 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 19332 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 19333 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 19334 Wide Receiver: 19335 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 19336 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 19337 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 19338 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 19339 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 19340 those times. 19341 YALE: 19342 Defense: 19343 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 19344 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 19345 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 19346 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 19347 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 19348 coin toss. 19349 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 19350 % 19351 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 19352 % 19353 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 19354 "Yes; I don't have one." 19355 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 19356 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 19357 % 19358 Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to 19359 defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 19360 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 19361 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 19362 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only 19363 serves to blunt the warning signs. 19364 19365 Long live the revolution! 19366 Have a nice day. 19367 % 19368 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 19369 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 19370 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 19371 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 19372 but a lot harder than it appears. 19373 % 19374 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 19375 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 19376 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 19377 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 19378 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 19379 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 19380 % 19381 Haste makes waste. 19382 -- John Heywood 19383 % 19384 Hatcheck girl: 19385 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 19386 Mae West: 19387 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 19388 -- "Night After Night", 1932 19389 % 19390 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 19391 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 19392 % 19393 Hate the sin and love the sinner. 19394 -- Mahatma Gandhi 19395 % 19396 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 19397 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 19398 -- Mike Royko 19399 % 19400 hatred, n: 19401 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 19402 % 19403 Have a coke and a smile! 19404 -- John DeLorean 19405 % 19406 Have a nice day! 19407 % 19408 Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 19409 % 19410 Have a place for everything and keep the thing 19411 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 19412 -- Mark Twain 19413 % 19414 Have a taco. 19415 -- P.S. Beagle 19416 % 19417 Have at you! 19418 % 19419 Have no friends not equal to yourself. 19420 -- Confucius 19421 % 19422 Have the courage to take your own thoughts 19423 seriously, for they will shape you. 19424 -- Albert Einstein 19425 % 19426 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 19427 halfway between an oven and a pasture? 19428 walking in a trance toward a pregnant 19429 seventeen-year-old housewife's 19430 two-day-old cookbook? 19431 -- Richard Brautigan 19432 % 19433 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 19434 19435 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 19436 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 19437 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 19438 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 19439 remain so. 19440 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 19441 % 19442 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 19443 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 19444 never find the time for play? 19445 % 19446 Have you flogged your kid today? 19447 % 19448 Have you locked your file cabinet? 19449 % 19450 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 19451 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 19452 % 19453 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 19454 photograph an American with his mouth shut! 19455 % 19456 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 19457 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 19458 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 19459 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 19460 19461 How can you tell me you're lonely, 19462 And say for you the sun don't shine? 19463 Let me take you by the hand 19464 Lead you through the streets of London 19465 I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 19466 19467 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 19468 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 19469 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 19470 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 19471 % 19472 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 19473 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 19474 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 19475 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 19476 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19477 Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19478 ... 19479 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 19480 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 19481 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 19482 Or umberellas, in their mitts, 19483 Puttin' on the Ritz. 19484 ... 19485 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19486 Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19487 Puttin' on the Ritz. 19488 Puttin' on the Ritz. 19489 Puttin' on the Ritz. 19490 Puttin' on the Ritz. 19491 % 19492 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 19493 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 19494 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 19495 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 19496 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 19497 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 19498 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 19499 % 19500 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 19501 % 19502 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 19503 -- Martin Mull 19504 % 19505 Having no talent is no longer enough. 19506 -- Gore Vidal 19507 % 19508 Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 19509 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19510 % 19511 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 19512 -- Socrates 19513 % 19514 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 19515 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 19516 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 19517 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 19518 dog, too!" 19519 % 19520 "Hawk, we're going to die." 19521 "Never say die... and certainly never say we." 19522 -- M*A*S*H 19523 % 19524 Hawkeye's Conclusion: 19525 It's not easy to play the clown 19526 when you've got to run the whole circus. 19527 % 19528 He: Do you like Kipling? 19529 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 19530 % 19531 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 19532 She: "What do you want me to yell?" 19533 -- Benny Hill 19534 % 19535 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 19536 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 19537 -- Walt Kelley 19538 % 19539 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 19540 -- S. Wright 19541 % 19542 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 19543 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 19544 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" 19545 % 19546 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 19547 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 19548 % 19549 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 19550 finer than the staple of his argument. 19551 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 19552 % 19553 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 19554 % 19555 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 19556 perfectly delightful. 19557 -- Sydney Smith 19558 % 19559 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 19560 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 19561 all hope of ever behaving "normally." 19562 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 19563 % 19564 He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 19565 -- Oscar Wilde 19566 % 19567 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 19568 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 19569 -- Stig's Inferno 19570 % 19571 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 19572 -- Bion 19573 % 19574 He hath eaten me out of house and home. 19575 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 19576 % 19577 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 19578 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 19579 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 19580 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 19581 % 19582 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 19583 -- John LeCarre 19584 % 19585 He is considered a most graceful speaker 19586 who can say nothing in the most words. 19587 % 19588 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 19589 % 19590 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 19591 -- Samuel Johnson 19592 % 19593 He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 19594 -- Mark Twain 19595 % 19596 He is the best of men who dislikes power. 19597 -- Mohammed 19598 % 19599 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 19600 % 19601 He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 19602 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 19603 % 19604 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 19605 % 19606 He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 19607 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 19608 % 19609 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 19610 -- Sir Richard Burton 19611 % 19612 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 19613 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 19614 % 19615 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 19616 -- Ring Lardner 19617 % 19618 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 19619 -- Andrew Lang 19620 % 19621 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 19622 had fallen to the ground. 19623 -- The Book of Serenity 19624 % 19625 (He opens a tolm and begins.) 19626 19627 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 19628 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 19629 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 19630 I must translate it otherwise. 19631 If I am well inspired and not blind. 19632 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 19633 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 19634 Lest you should write too hastily. 19635 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 19636 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 19637 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 19638 That my translation must be changed again. 19639 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 19640 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 19641 -- Goethe's Faust 19642 % 19643 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 19644 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. 19645 19646 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 19647 -- Peter Stack, movie review 19648 19649 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 19650 -- John Stark, movie review 19651 % 19652 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 19653 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 19654 % 19655 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 19656 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 19657 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband 19658 % 19659 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 19660 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 19661 % 19662 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 19663 -- Scottish proverb. 19664 % 19665 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 19666 -- B. Franklin 19667 % 19668 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 19669 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 19670 % 19671 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 19672 -- Benjamin Franklin 19673 % 19674 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 19675 % 19676 He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 19677 % 19678 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 19679 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 19680 % 19681 He thought he saw an albatross 19682 That fluttered 'round the lamp. 19683 He looked again and saw it was 19684 A penny postage stamp. 19685 "You'd best be getting home," he said, 19686 "The nights are rather damp." 19687 % 19688 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 19689 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 19690 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 19691 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 19692 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 19693 -- Eric Van Lustbader 19694 % 19695 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 19696 a complete set. 19697 -- Ring Lardner 19698 % 19699 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 19700 % 19701 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 19702 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 19703 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 19704 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 19705 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 19706 -- Jack Handey 19707 % 19708 He was part of my dream, of course -- 19709 but then I was part of his dream too. 19710 -- Lewis Carroll 19711 % 19712 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 19713 % 19714 He was the sort of person whose personality 19715 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 19716 % 19717 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 19718 % 19719 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 19720 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 19721 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 19722 % 19723 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 19724 the human condition is a fool. 19725 -- Albert Camus 19726 % 19727 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 19728 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19729 % 19730 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 19731 -- Honore de Balzac 19732 % 19733 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 19734 -- Sinbad 19735 % 19736 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 19737 % 19738 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 19739 % 19740 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 19741 % 19742 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 19743 % 19744 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 19745 % 19746 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 19747 a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 19748 -- Giacomo Leopardi 19749 % 19750 He who hates vices hates mankind. 19751 % 19752 He who hesitates is a damned fool. 19753 -- Mae West 19754 % 19755 He who hesitates is last. 19756 % 19757 He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 19758 % 19759 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 19760 % 19761 He who invents adages for others to peruse 19762 takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 19763 % 19764 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 19765 % 19766 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 19767 % 19768 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 19769 % 19770 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 19771 encounter many rivals. 19772 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 19773 % 19774 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 19775 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 19776 senses until the day of judgement. 19777 -- Saadi 19778 % 19779 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 19780 % 19781 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 19782 -- Lao Tsu 19783 % 19784 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 19785 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 19786 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 19787 % 19788 He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 19789 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 19790 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 19791 he knows something. Or something like that. 19792 % 19793 He who knows others is wise. 19794 He who knows himself is enlightened. 19795 -- Lao Tsu 19796 % 19797 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 19798 -- Lao Tsu 19799 % 19800 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 19801 -- Bertolt Brecht 19802 % 19803 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 19804 % 19805 He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 19806 % 19807 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 19808 % 19809 He who laughs last is probably your boss. 19810 % 19811 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 19812 % 19813 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 19814 % 19815 He who laughs, lasts. 19816 % 19817 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 19818 % 19819 He who loses, wins the race, 19820 And parallel lines meet in space. 19821 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 19822 % 19823 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 19824 -- Dr. Johnson 19825 % 19826 He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 19827 % 19828 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 19829 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 19830 -- Sir Richard Burton 19831 % 19832 He who slings mud generally loses ground. 19833 -- Adlai Stevenson 19834 % 19835 He who slings mud loses ground. 19836 -- Chinese Proverb 19837 % 19838 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 19839 % 19840 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 19841 % 19842 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 19843 -- Sinbad 19844 % 19845 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 19846 -- M.C. Escher 19847 % 19848 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 19849 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 19850 education and culture. 19851 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 19852 % 19853 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 19854 Details at 11. 19855 % 19856 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 19857 % 19858 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 19859 lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 19860 -- Redd Foxx 19861 % 19862 Hear about... 19863 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 19864 started chiseling on his wife? 19865 % 19866 Hear about... 19867 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 19868 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 19869 % 19870 Hear about... 19871 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 19872 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 19873 up a chopped libber? 19874 % 19875 Hear about... 19876 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because 19877 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 19878 % 19879 Hear about... 19880 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 19881 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 19882 Space"? 19883 % 19884 Hear about... 19885 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 19886 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 19887 typewriter's ribbon? 19888 % 19889 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 19890 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 19891 % 19892 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 19893 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 19894 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 19895 % 19896 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 19897 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 19898 % 19899 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 19900 -- The Wizard of Oz 19901 % 19902 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 19903 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 19904 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 19905 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 19906 % 19907 heaven, n: 19908 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 19909 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 19910 you expound your own. 19911 % 19912 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 19913 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 19914 % 19915 heavy, adj: 19916 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 19917 % 19918 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 19919 % 19920 Heisenberg may have been here. 19921 % 19922 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 19923 -- Milton Friedman 19924 % 19925 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 19926 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 19927 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 19928 % 19929 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 19930 how are they supposed to know you care? 19931 % 19932 Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 19933 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 19934 % 19935 hell, n: 19936 Truth seen too late. 19937 % 19938 Heller's Law: 19939 The first myth of management is that it exists. 19940 % 19941 Heller's Law: 19942 The first myth of management is that it exists. 19943 19944 Johnson's Corollary: 19945 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 19946 organization. 19947 % 19948 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 19949 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 19950 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 19951 % 19952 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 19953 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 19954 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 19955 you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 19956 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 19957 don't hear your girl screaming any more? 19958 19959 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 19960 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 19961 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 19962 % 19963 "Hello," he lied. 19964 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 19965 % 19966 Hell's broken loose. 19967 -- Robert Greene 19968 % 19969 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 19970 % 19971 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 19972 % 19973 HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 19974 % 19975 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 19976 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 19977 % 19978 Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 19979 % 19980 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! 19981 % 19982 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 19983 % 19984 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 19985 % 19986 Hempstone's Question: 19987 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 19988 % 19989 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 19990 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 19991 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 19992 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 19993 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 19994 them, without any power of engaging their respect. 19995 -- J. Austen 19996 % 19997 Her locks an ancient lady gave 19998 Her loving husband's life to save; 19999 And men -- they honored so the dame -- 20000 Upon some stars bestowed her name. 20001 20002 But to our modern married fair, 20003 Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 20004 No stellar recognition's given. 20005 There are not stars enough in heaven. 20006 % 20007 Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20008 One fortunate cookie... 20009 % 20010 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 20011 from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... 20012 % 20013 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 20014 % 20015 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 20016 I've been caught inside this trap too many times 20017 I must've walked these steps and said these words a 20018 thousand times before 20019 It seems like I know everybody's lines. 20020 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 20021 % 20022 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 20023 I grow up. 20024 -- Peter Drucker 20025 % 20026 Here I sit, broken-hearted, 20027 All logged in, but work unstarted. 20028 First net.this and net.that, 20029 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 20030 20031 The boss comes by, and I play the game, 20032 Then I turn back to net.flame. 20033 Is there a cure (I need your views), 20034 For someone trapped in net.news? 20035 20036 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 20037 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 20038 % 20039 Here in my heart, I am Helen; 20040 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 20041 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 20042 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 20043 20044 Here in my soul I am Sappho; 20045 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 20046 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 20047 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 20048 20049 I'm all of the glamorous ladies 20050 At whose beckoning history shook. 20051 But you are a man, and see only my pan, 20052 So I stay at home with a book. 20053 -- Dorothy Parker 20054 % 20055 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 20056 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your 20057 hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you 20058 notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This 20059 teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never 20060 use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. 20061 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 20062 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects 20063 that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. 20064 The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, 20065 where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels 20066 down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. 20067 -- Dave Barry 20068 % 20069 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 20070 if you're alive, it isn't. 20071 % 20072 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 20073 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 20074 marketing anxiety in China. 20075 20076 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 20077 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 20078 20079 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 20080 20081 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 20082 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 20083 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 20084 satiric vistas do not open up. 20085 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 20086 % 20087 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 20088 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 20089 NO LES 20090 NO MOORE 20091 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 20092 % 20093 Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 20094 Now she's at rest, and so am I. 20095 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 20096 % 20097 Here there by tygers. 20098 % 20099 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 20100 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 20101 around as if you're going to fall. 20102 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 20103 % 20104 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 20105 `Psychic Wins Lottery.' 20106 -- Jay Leno 20107 % 20108 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 20109 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 20110 20111 * Governmental offices 20112 * Post offices 20113 * Libraries 20114 * Schools 20115 * Banks 20116 * Parts of Palm Beach 20117 20118 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 20119 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 20120 % 20121 Herth's Law: 20122 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 20123 % 20124 He's been like a father to me, 20125 He's the only DJ you can get after three, 20126 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 20127 And why he don't like me I don't understand. 20128 -- The Byrds 20129 % 20130 He's dead, Jim. 20131 % 20132 He's got the heart of a little child, 20133 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 20134 % 20135 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 20136 % 20137 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 20138 % 20139 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 20140 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 20141 -- Phil Lapsley 20142 % 20143 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 20144 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 20145 % 20146 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 20147 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 20148 % 20149 Hewett's Observation: 20150 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 20151 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 20152 peers similarly engaged. 20153 % 20154 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 20155 To get a little more stack; 20156 If that's not enough then you lose it all 20157 And have to pop all the way back. 20158 % 20159 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 20160 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 20161 % 20162 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 20163 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 20164 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 20165 these words were spoken. 20166 % 20167 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 20168 "Whattaya need?" 20169 "Oh, about $500." 20170 "Whattaya got for collateral?" 20171 "Whattaya need?" 20172 "How about an eye?" 20173 -- Sam Giancana 20174 % 20175 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 20176 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 20177 -- Gallagher 20178 % 20179 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 20180 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 20181 % 20182 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 20183 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 20184 leave your name and message after the beep... 20185 % 20186 Hi! How are things going? 20187 (just fine, thank you...) 20188 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 20189 (you just asked one...) 20190 Well, how about one more? 20191 (one more than the first one?) 20192 Yes. 20193 (you already asked that...) 20194 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 20195 May I ask two questions, sir? 20196 (no.) 20197 May I ask ONE then? 20198 (nope...) 20199 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 20200 (yes, you may.) 20201 Sir, how may I ask you a question? 20202 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 20203 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 20204 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 20205 next one) 20206 Sir, may I ask nine questions? 20207 (go right ahead...) 20208 % 20209 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 20210 you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 20211 height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 20212 a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 20213 makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 20214 different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 20215 there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 20216 cabin cruiser. 20217 20218 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 20219 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 20220 -- Dave Barry 20221 % 20222 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 20223 You wanna help on the audit now? 20224 % 20225 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 20226 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 20227 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 20228 % 20229 Hickery Dickery Dock, 20230 The mice ran up the clock, 20231 The clock struck one, 20232 The others escaped with minor injuries. 20233 % 20234 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 20235 20236 WE CAN HELP! 20237 20238 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 20239 % 20240 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 20241 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 20242 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 20243 Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 20244 We buried him today because 20245 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 20246 20247 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 20248 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; 20249 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 20250 % 20251 Higgeldy Piggeldy, 20252 Hamlet of Elsinore 20253 Ruffled the critics by 20254 Dropping this bomb: 20255 "Phooey on Freud and his 20256 Psychoanalysis, 20257 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 20258 I just loved Mom." 20259 % 20260 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 20261 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 20262 little of both. 20263 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 20264 % 20265 High heels are a device invented by a woman 20266 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 20267 % 20268 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 20269 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 20270 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 20271 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 20272 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 20273 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 20274 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 20275 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 20276 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 20277 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 20278 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 20279 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 20280 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 20281 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 20282 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 20283 All: Amen. 20284 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 20285 % 20286 HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 20287 A California innovation composed 20288 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 20289 % 20290 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 20291 % 20292 Hildebrant's Principle: 20293 If you don't know where you are going, 20294 any road will get you there. 20295 % 20296 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 20297 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 20298 Him: "Really? That's incredible... 20299 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 20300 -- "The Jerk" 20301 % 20302 Hindsight is always 20:20. 20303 -- Billy Wilder 20304 % 20305 Hindsight is an exact science. 20306 % 20307 hippogriff, n: 20308 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 20309 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 20310 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 20311 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 20312 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 20313 % 20314 Hire the morally handicapped. 20315 % 20316 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 20317 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 20318 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 20319 % 20320 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 20321 -- Tommy 20322 % 20323 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 20324 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 20325 % 20326 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 20327 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 20328 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 20329 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 20330 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 20331 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 20332 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 20333 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 20334 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 20335 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 20336 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 20337 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 20338 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 20339 % 20340 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 20341 % 20342 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 20343 -- P.G. Wodehouse 20344 % 20345 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 20346 % 20347 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 20348 -- Foghorn Leghorn 20349 % 20350 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 20351 % 20352 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 20353 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 20354 continues to this day. 20355 -- Wayne Shannon 20356 % 20357 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 20358 % 20359 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 20360 of the Mexican revolution: 20361 20362 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 20363 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 20364 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 20365 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 20366 army where he was then executed." 20367 % 20368 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 20369 i.e. none to speak of. 20370 -- Lazarus Long 20371 % 20372 History is curious stuff 20373 You'd think by now we had enough 20374 Yet the fact remains I fear 20375 They make more of it every year. 20376 % 20377 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 20378 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 20379 -- Leo Tolstoy 20380 % 20381 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 20382 % 20383 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 20384 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 20385 % 20386 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 20387 % 20388 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 20389 time as bedroom farce. 20390 % 20391 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 20392 % 20393 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 20394 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 20395 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 20396 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 20397 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 20398 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 20399 % 20400 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 20401 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 20402 Pour my black old coffee longer, 20403 While that smell is gettin' stronger 20404 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 20405 20406 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 20407 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 20408 If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 20409 The Lord'll bless your sharin' 20410 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 20411 20412 And let me halfway fall in love, 20413 For part of a lonely night, 20414 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20415 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 20416 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 20417 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20418 -- Elroy Blunt 20419 % 20420 Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 20421 The stapler runs out of staples 20422 only while you are trying to staple something. 20423 % 20424 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. 20425 There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20426 -- Maxwell Bodenhein 20427 % 20428 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. 20429 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20430 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20431 % 20432 H.L. Mencken's Law: 20433 Those who can -- do. 20434 Those who can't -- teach. 20435 20436 Martin's Extension: 20437 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20438 20439 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20440 % 20441 Hlade's Law: 20442 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 20443 they will find an easier way to do it. 20444 % 20445 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 20446 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 20447 20448 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 20449 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 20450 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 20451 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 20452 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 20453 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 20454 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 20455 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 20456 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 20457 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 20458 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 20459 exist in a more fundamental sense. 20460 % 20461 Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 20462 Inside every large problem is a small 20463 problem struggling to get out. 20464 % 20465 Hodie natus est radici frater. 20466 % 20467 Hoffer's Discovery: 20468 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 20469 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 20470 % 20471 Hofstadter's Law: 20472 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 20473 Hofstadter's Law into account. 20474 % 20475 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 20476 Take a shot every time: 20477 20478 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 20479 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 20480 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 20481 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 20482 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 20483 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 20484 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 20485 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 20486 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 20487 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 20488 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 20489 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 20490 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 20491 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 20492 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 20493 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 20494 -- Lebeau wears his apron. 20495 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 20496 plan is impossible. 20497 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 20498 % 20499 Hollerith, v: 20500 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 20501 % 20502 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 20503 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 20504 20505 Tune in again tomorrow: 20506 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 20507 % 20508 HOLY MACRO! 20509 % 20510 Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 20511 they have to take you in. 20512 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 20513 % 20514 Home is where the hurt is. 20515 % 20516 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 20517 cage is to a cockatoo. 20518 -- George Bernard Shaw 20519 % 20520 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 20521 % 20522 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 20523 -- Samuel Butler 20524 % 20525 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 20526 -- Plato 20527 % 20528 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 20529 -- F.M. Hubbard 20530 % 20531 Honesty's the best policy. 20532 -- Miguel de Cervantes 20533 % 20534 honeymoon, n: 20535 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 20536 -- Ray C. Bandy 20537 % 20538 Honi soit la vache qui rit. 20539 % 20540 Honk if you love peace and quiet. 20541 % 20542 honorable, adj: 20543 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 20544 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 20545 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 20546 % 20547 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 20548 -- Francis Bacon 20549 % 20550 Hope is a waking dream. 20551 -- Aristotle 20552 % 20553 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 20554 -- M. Horner 20555 % 20556 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 20557 % 20558 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 20559 -- Peanuts 20560 % 20561 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 20562 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 20563 -- Moore 20564 % 20565 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 20566 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 20567 % 20568 Horngren's Observation: 20569 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 20570 % 20571 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 20572 -- Jack Benny 20573 % 20574 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 20575 -- W.C. Fields 20576 % 20577 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 20578 % 20579 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 20580 % 20581 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 20582 had towels from my house. 20583 -- Mark Guido 20584 % 20585 Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 20586 % 20587 Household hint: 20588 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 20589 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 20590 % 20591 Housework can kill you if done right. 20592 -- Erma Bombeck 20593 % 20594 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 20595 -- Neil Armstrong 20596 % 20597 How apt the poor are to be proud. 20598 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20599 % 20600 How can you be in two places at once 20601 when you're not anywhere at all? 20602 % 20603 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? 20604 -- Schulz 20605 % 20606 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 20607 -- Charles de Gaulle 20608 % 20609 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 20610 -- Pink Floyd 20611 % 20612 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 20613 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 20614 in the waking state? 20615 -- Plato 20616 % 20617 How can you think and hit at the same time? 20618 -- Yogi Berra 20619 % 20620 How can you work when the system's so crowded? 20621 % 20622 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 20623 % 20624 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 20625 claim they'll make you? 20626 % 20627 How come we never talk anymore? 20628 % 20629 How come wrong numbers are never busy? 20630 % 20631 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 20632 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 20633 -- A. Cooper 20634 % 20635 How could they think women a recreation? 20636 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 20637 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 20638 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 20639 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 20640 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 20641 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 20642 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 20643 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 20644 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 20645 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 20646 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 20647 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 20648 To ambergris. But not for recreation. 20649 I would not have lost so much for recreation. 20650 20651 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 20652 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 20653 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 20654 have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. 20655 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 20656 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 20657 and call and call forever till she turn from bird 20658 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 20659 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 20660 in all her fresh particularity of difference. 20661 Then oh, through the underwater time of night 20662 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 20663 This I have done with my life, and am content. 20664 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 20665 standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 20666 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 20667 % 20668 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 20669 -- Elliot, "E.T." 20670 % 20671 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 20672 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 20673 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 20674 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 20675 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 20676 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 20677 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 20678 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 20679 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 20680 examined his claws. 20681 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 20682 hers and not my own, not ever again." 20683 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 20684 % 20685 How doth the little crocodile 20686 Improve his shining tail, 20687 And pour the waters of the Nile 20688 On every golden scale! 20689 20690 How cheerfully he seems to grin, 20691 How neatly spreads his claws, 20692 And welcomes little fishes in, 20693 With gently smiling jaws! 20694 % 20695 How doth the VAX's C-compiler 20696 Improve its object code. 20697 And even as we speak does it 20698 Increase the system load. 20699 20700 How patiently it seems to run 20701 And spit out error flags, 20702 While users, with frustration, all 20703 Tear their clothes to rags. 20704 % 20705 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 20706 journalists, and they believe what they read. 20707 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 20708 % 20709 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 20710 % 20711 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 20712 % 20713 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 20714 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 20715 % 20716 How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 20717 a waiter at a nice party? 20718 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 20719 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 20720 inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 20721 cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 20722 bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 20723 -- Dave Barry 20724 % 20725 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 20726 % 20727 How many weeks are there in a light year? 20728 % 20729 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 20730 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle 20731 % 20732 How much does she love you? 20733 Less than you'll ever know. 20734 % 20735 How much for your women? I want to buy your 20736 daughter... how much for the little girl? 20737 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 20738 % 20739 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 20740 % 20741 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 20742 % 20743 How often I found where I should be going 20744 only by setting out for somewhere else. 20745 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 20746 % 20747 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 20748 % 20749 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 20750 -- Linus Van Pelt 20751 % 20752 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 20753 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 20754 % 20755 How untasteful can you get? 20756 % 20757 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 20758 % 20759 How you look depends on where you go. 20760 % 20761 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 20762 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 20763 -- Tom K. Ryan 20764 % 20765 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 20766 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 20767 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 20768 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 20769 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 20770 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 20771 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 20772 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 20773 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 20774 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 20775 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 20776 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 20777 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 20778 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 20779 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 20780 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 20781 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 20782 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 20783 in the name of "conservatism." 20784 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 20785 % 20786 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 20787 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 20788 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 20789 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 20790 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 20791 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 20792 -- Albuquerque Journal 20793 % 20794 Hubbard's Law: 20795 Don't take life too seriously; 20796 you won't get out of it alive. 20797 % 20798 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 20799 Oh wait... 20800 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 20801 Never mind. 20802 % 20803 Huh? 20804 % 20805 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 20806 % 20807 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 20808 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 20809 table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into 20810 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 20811 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 20812 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 20813 % 20814 Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 20815 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 20816 % 20817 Human resources are human first, and resources second. 20818 -- J. Garbers 20819 % 20820 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 20821 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 20822 immature. 20823 -- Tom Robbins 20824 % 20825 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 20826 -- Alan Kay 20827 % 20828 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 20829 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 20830 % 20831 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 20832 % 20833 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 20834 -- William Gilbert 20835 % 20836 Humorists always sit at the children's table. 20837 -- Woody Allen 20838 % 20839 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 20840 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 20841 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 20842 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 20843 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 20844 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 20845 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 20846 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 20847 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 20848 oil!" 20849 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 20850 % 20851 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 20852 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 20853 All the king's horses, 20854 And all the king's men, 20855 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 20856 % 20857 Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 20858 % 20859 Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 20860 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 20861 to... to... uh..... 20862 % 20863 I: 20864 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 20865 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 20866 II: 20867 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 20868 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 20869 III: 20870 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 20871 IV: 20872 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 20873 V: 20874 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 20875 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 20876 output. 20877 -- Norman Augustine 20878 % 20879 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 20880 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 20881 -- Gallagher 20882 % 20883 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 20884 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 20885 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 20886 terrifies people the most. 20887 -- Bob Dylan 20888 % 20889 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 20890 -- John Hinckley 20891 % 20892 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 20893 -- Muhammad Ali 20894 % 20895 I allow the world to live as it chooses, 20896 and I allow myself to live as I choose. 20897 % 20898 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 20899 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 20900 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 20901 -- Richard M. Nixon 20902 20903 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 20904 -- Richard M. Nixon 20905 % 20906 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 20907 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 20908 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 20909 % 20910 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 20911 -- David Bowie 20912 % 20913 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 20914 It is never any good to oneself. 20915 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 20916 % 20917 I always say beauty is only sin deep. 20918 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 20919 % 20920 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 20921 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 20922 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 20923 % 20924 I always wake up at the crack of ice. 20925 -- Joe E. Lewis 20926 % 20927 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 20928 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 20929 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 20930 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 20931 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 20932 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 20933 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 20934 And a cow. And a cow. 20935 20936 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 20937 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 20938 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 20939 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 20940 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 20941 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 20942 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 20943 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 20944 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 20945 % 20946 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 20947 person, you will not sell me another book. 20948 % 20949 I am a computer. 20950 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 20951 % 20952 I am a conscientious man, when I throw 20953 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 20954 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 20955 % 20956 I am a deeply superficial person. 20957 -- Andy Warhol 20958 % 20959 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 20960 than be one. 20961 -- Clarence Darrow 20962 % 20963 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 20964 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 20965 % 20966 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 20967 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 20968 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 20969 % 20970 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 20971 -- Winston Churchill 20972 % 20973 I am changing my name to Chrysler 20974 I am going down to Washington, D.C. 20975 I will tell some power broker 20976 What they did for Iacocca 20977 Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 20978 20979 I am changing my name to Chrysler, 20980 I am heading for that great receiving line. 20981 When they hand a million grand out, 20982 I'll be standing with my hand out, 20983 Yessir, I'll get mine! 20984 % 20985 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 20986 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 20987 is to suffer for others. 20988 -- Cesar Chavez 20989 % 20990 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 20991 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 20992 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 20993 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 20994 % 20995 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 20996 -- Katharine Whitehorn 20997 % 20998 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 20999 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 21000 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 21001 -- Steven Wright 21002 % 21003 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 21004 pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you 21005 that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic 21006 globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 21007 can't help it. I was born sneering. 21008 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" 21009 % 21010 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 21011 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 21012 % 21013 I am looking for a honest man. 21014 -- Diogenes the Cynic 21015 % 21016 I am NOMAD! 21017 % 21018 I am not a crook. 21019 -- Richard Nixon 21020 % 21021 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 21022 -- A. Ward 21023 % 21024 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 21025 -- William Allen White 21026 % 21027 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 21028 -- Paul McCracken 21029 % 21030 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 21031 -- Gloria Steinem 21032 % 21033 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 21034 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 21035 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 21036 % 21037 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 21038 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 21039 -- W. Churchill 21040 % 21041 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 21042 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 21043 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 21044 % 21045 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 21046 % 21047 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 21048 % 21049 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 21050 -- John Donne 21051 % 21052 I am two with nature. 21053 -- Woody Allen 21054 % 21055 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 21056 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 21057 -- Samuel Johnson 21058 % 21059 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 21060 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 21061 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 21062 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 21063 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 21064 % 21065 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 21066 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 21067 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 21068 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 21069 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 21070 them completely, even molding the keypads. 21071 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 21072 % 21073 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 21074 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 21075 % 21076 I B M 21077 U B M 21078 We all B M 21079 For I B M!!!! 21080 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 21081 % 21082 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 21083 -- Gilda Radner 21084 % 21085 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 21086 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 21087 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 21088 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 21089 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 21090 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 21091 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 21092 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 21093 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 21094 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 21095 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 21096 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 21097 with time. 21098 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 21099 % 21100 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 21101 particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 21102 -- Ogden Nash 21103 % 21104 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 21105 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 21106 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 21107 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 21108 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 21109 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 21110 the people who might elect him. 21111 -- John F. Kennedy 21112 % 21113 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 21114 -- G.K. Chesterton 21115 % 21116 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 21117 -- Woody Allen 21118 % 21119 I believe that professional wrestling is clean 21120 and everything else in the world is fixed. 21121 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 21122 % 21123 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 21124 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 21125 total discrediting of the world of reality. 21126 -- Salvador Dali 21127 % 21128 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 21129 -- Will Rogers 21130 % 21131 I bet the human brain is a kludge. 21132 -- Marvin Minsky 21133 % 21134 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 21135 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 21136 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21137 % 21138 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 21139 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 21140 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 21141 they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 21142 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21143 % 21144 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 21145 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 21146 a visit to a London veterans hospital 21147 % 21148 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 21149 -- Stephen Wright 21150 % 21151 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 21152 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 21153 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 21154 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 21155 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 21156 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 21157 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 21158 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 21159 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 21160 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 21161 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 21162 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 21163 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 21164 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 21165 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 21166 -- Townsend Davis 21167 % 21168 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 21169 -- Biff Barf 21170 % 21171 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 21172 They're still living in the fifties. 21173 -- Strange de Jim 21174 % 21175 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 21176 % 21177 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 21178 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 21179 -- Firesign Theatre 21180 % 21181 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 21182 % 21183 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 21184 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 21185 % 21186 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 21187 -- Jay Gould 21188 % 21189 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 21190 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 21191 -- Larry Lee 21192 % 21193 I can relate to that. 21194 % 21195 I can resist anything but temptation. 21196 % 21197 I can see him a'comin' 21198 With his big boots on, 21199 With his big thumb out, 21200 He wants to get me. 21201 He wants to hurt me. 21202 He wants to bring me down. 21203 But some time later, 21204 When I feel a little straighter, 21205 I'll come across a stranger 21206 Who'll remind me of the danger, 21207 And then.... I'll run him over. 21208 Pretty smart on my part! 21209 To find my way... In the dark! 21210 -- Phil Ochs 21211 % 21212 I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 21213 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 21214 -- A.J. Liebling 21215 % 21216 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 21217 -- Lillian Hellman 21218 % 21219 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 21220 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 21221 % 21222 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 21223 If it be man's work I will do it. 21224 % 21225 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 21226 -- Steven Pearl 21227 % 21228 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 21229 -- Joe Walsh 21230 % 21231 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 21232 -- Florence Henderson 21233 % 21234 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 21235 -- Phil Harris 21236 % 21237 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 21238 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 21239 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 21240 Your Socks Outside-in 21241 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 21242 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 21243 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 21244 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 21245 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 21246 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 21247 % 21248 I can't mate in captivity. 21249 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. 21250 % 21251 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 21252 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 21253 -- Robert Benchley 21254 % 21255 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 21256 -- Albert Anastasia 21257 % 21258 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 21259 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 21260 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 21261 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 21262 Party Conference 21263 % 21264 I can't understand it. 21265 I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 21266 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 21267 % 21268 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 21269 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 21270 -- Fred Allen 21271 % 21272 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 21273 I'm frightened of the old ones. 21274 -- John Cage 21275 % 21276 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 21277 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 21278 up a child. 21279 -- Stephen Wright 21280 % 21281 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 21282 a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 21283 -- Michael Prichard 21284 % 21285 I consider a new device or technology to have been 21286 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 21287 -- M. Gallaher 21288 % 21289 I consider the day misspent that I am not 21290 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 21291 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 21292 % 21293 I could never learn to like her -- 21294 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 21295 -- Mark Twain 21296 % 21297 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 21298 % 21299 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 21300 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 21301 -- Peter Oakley 21302 % 21303 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 21304 % 21305 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 21306 I should have to believe in it in this one. 21307 -- Strange de Jim 21308 % 21309 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 21310 -- Bart Simpson 21311 % 21312 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 21313 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 21314 -- Rita Gain 21315 % 21316 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 21317 % 21318 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 21319 The curtain was up. 21320 % 21321 "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 21322 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21323 % 21324 I disagree with what you say, but will defend 21325 to the death your right to tell such LIES! 21326 % 21327 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 21328 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 21329 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 21330 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 21331 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21332 % 21333 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 21334 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 21335 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21336 % 21337 I do desire we may be better strangers. 21338 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 21339 % 21340 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 21341 % 21342 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 21343 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds 21344 entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail 21345 to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to 21346 perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again 21347 from the top down, the result is always different. 21348 -- Mrs. La Touche 21349 % 21350 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 21351 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 21352 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 21353 -- Thomas Paine 21354 % 21355 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 21356 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 21357 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 21358 and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 21359 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 21360 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 21361 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 21362 Cardinals backed down and played. 21363 % 21364 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 21365 -- Isaac Asimov 21366 % 21367 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 21368 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 21369 -- Galileo Galilei 21370 % 21371 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 21372 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 21373 % 21374 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 21375 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 21376 comes nearest to it of any. 21377 -- Henry David Thoreau 21378 % 21379 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 21380 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 21381 -- Chuang-tzu 21382 % 21383 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 21384 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 21385 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 21386 devote it to research in mathematics. 21387 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 21388 % 21389 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 21390 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 21391 tiresome. 21392 -- I Ching 21393 % 21394 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 21395 -- Salvador Dali 21396 % 21397 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 21398 Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 21399 -- James Quirk 21400 % 21401 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 21402 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 21403 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 21404 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21405 % 21406 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 21407 -- Heard in Bethlehem 21408 % 21409 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 21410 -- Calvin Trillin 21411 % 21412 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 21413 deserve that either. 21414 -- Jack Benny 21415 % 21416 I don't do it for the money. 21417 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 21418 % 21419 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 21420 -- K. Coates 21421 % 21422 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 21423 -- Katherine Cebrian 21424 % 21425 I don't get no respect. 21426 % 21427 I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 21428 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 21429 % 21430 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 21431 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 21432 % 21433 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 21434 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 21435 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 21436 % 21437 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 21438 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 21439 -- Bruce Baum 21440 % 21441 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 21442 -- Elvis Presley 21443 % 21444 I don't know what Descartes' got, 21445 But booze can do what Kant cannot. 21446 -- Mike Cross 21447 % 21448 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 21449 more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 21450 -- Abraham Lincoln 21451 % 21452 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 21453 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 21454 % 21455 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 21456 % 21457 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 21458 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 21459 -- Clarence Darrow 21460 % 21461 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 21462 I don't trust him. 21463 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 21464 with Dutch Schultz. 21465 21466 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 21467 trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 21468 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 21469 "Legs" Diamond. 21470 % 21471 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 21472 -- Cash McCall 21473 % 21474 I don't mind arguing with myself. 21475 It's when I lose that it bothers me. 21476 -- Richard Powers 21477 % 21478 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 21479 streets and frighten the horses. 21480 -- Victor Hugo 21481 % 21482 I don't need no arms around me... 21483 I don't need no drugs to calm me... 21484 I have seen the writing on the wall. 21485 Don't think I need anything at all. 21486 No! Don't think I need anything at all! 21487 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21488 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21489 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 21490 % 21491 I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 21492 % 21493 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 21494 he starts to practice law. 21495 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 21496 Attorney-General. 21497 % 21498 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 21499 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 21500 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21501 % 21502 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 21503 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 21504 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 21505 % 21506 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 21507 to the sea and drown yourselves." 21508 21509 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 21510 you human beings don't." 21511 -- James Thurber 21512 % 21513 I don't understand you anymore. 21514 % 21515 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 21516 But there will definitely be a party tonight... 21517 % 21518 I don't want a pickle, 21519 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 21520 And I don't want to die, 21521 I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 21522 -- Arlo Guthrie 21523 % 21524 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 21525 -- Jean Anouilh 21526 % 21527 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 21528 I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 21529 -- Woody Allen 21530 % 21531 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 21532 % 21533 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 21534 -- Woody Allen 21535 % 21536 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 21537 % 21538 I dote on his very absence. 21539 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 21540 % 21541 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 21542 earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has 21543 succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a 21544 goal in front and not behind. 21545 -- George Bernard Shaw 21546 % 21547 I drink to make other people interesting. 21548 -- George Jean Nathan 21549 % 21550 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 21551 % 21552 I enjoy the time that we spend together. 21553 % 21554 I exist, therefore I am paid. 21555 % 21556 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 21557 % 21558 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 21559 % 21560 I fell asleep reading a dull book, 21561 and I dreamt that I was reading on, 21562 so I woke up from sheer boredom. 21563 % 21564 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 21565 honest difference of opinion. 21566 - Isaac Asimov 21567 % 21568 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 21569 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 21570 -- Steven Wright 21571 % 21572 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 21573 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 21574 just shot. 21575 % 21576 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 21577 -- Augustus Caesar 21578 % 21579 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 21580 I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 21581 I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 21582 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 21583 21584 How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 21585 How can there be a building, that has no floor? 21586 How can there be a program, that has no end? 21587 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 21588 21589 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 21590 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 21591 A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 21592 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 21593 % 21594 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 21595 -- Mae West 21596 % 21597 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 21598 -- Chauncey Depew 21599 % 21600 I get up each morning, gather my wits. 21601 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 21602 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 21603 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 21604 21605 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 21606 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 21607 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 21608 And think of the places my get-up has been. 21609 -- Pete Seeger 21610 % 21611 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 21612 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 21613 % 21614 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 21615 -- H.L. Mencken 21616 % 21617 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 21618 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 21619 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 21620 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 21621 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 21622 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 21623 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 21624 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 21625 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 21626 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 21627 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 21628 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 21629 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 21630 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 21631 called me again." 21632 -- Stephen Wright 21633 % 21634 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 21635 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 21636 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 21637 -- Steven Wright 21638 % 21639 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 21640 wearing masks for. 21641 -- James Boren 21642 % 21643 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 21644 -- Steven Wright 21645 % 21646 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 21647 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 21648 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 21649 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 21650 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 21651 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 21652 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 21653 -- Steven Wright 21654 % 21655 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 21656 -- Butch Cassidy 21657 % 21658 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 21659 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 21660 21661 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 21662 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 21663 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 21664 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 21665 puppet. 21666 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21667 % 21668 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 21669 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 21670 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 21671 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21672 % 21673 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 21674 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 21675 win -- or even how you won. 21676 -- Cash McCall 21677 % 21678 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 21679 other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 21680 -- Hal Clement 21681 % 21682 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 21683 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 21684 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 21685 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21686 % 21687 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 21688 -- D. Cavett 21689 % 21690 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 21691 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 21692 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21693 % 21694 I had a dream last night... 21695 I dreamt about 1976. 21696 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 21697 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 21698 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 21699 so I went back to sleep again. 21700 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21701 % 21702 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 21703 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 21704 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 21705 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 21706 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 21707 dinner and I let it go. 21708 -- Winston Churchill 21709 % 21710 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 21711 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 21712 Beach." 21713 -- The Stunt Man 21714 % 21715 I had another dream the other day about government financial management 21716 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 21717 had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 21718 % 21719 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 21720 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 21721 painting by Goya. 21722 -- Stravinsky 21723 % 21724 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 21725 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 21726 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 21727 power to make things different is a bitch. 21728 -- Miles Davis 21729 % 21730 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 21731 so I took his shoes. 21732 -- Dave Barry 21733 % 21734 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 21735 implement a PL/1 compiler. 21736 -- T. Cheatham 21737 % 21738 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 21739 % 21740 I hate babies. They're so human. 21741 -- H.H. Munro 21742 % 21743 I hate dying. 21744 -- Dave Johnson 21745 % 21746 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 21747 it's going to be up all night. 21748 -- Steven Wright 21749 % 21750 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 21751 and I know how bad I am. 21752 -- Samuel Johnson 21753 % 21754 I hate quotations. 21755 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 21756 % 21757 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 21758 there's nothing else to do. 21759 -- Lenny Bruce 21760 % 21761 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 21762 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 21763 -- Willow 21764 % 21765 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 21766 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 21767 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 21768 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 21769 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 21770 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 21771 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 21772 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 21773 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 21774 -- S. Wright 21775 % 21776 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 21777 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 21778 and just keeps on typing. 21779 -- Stephen Wright 21780 % 21781 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 21782 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 21783 sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 21784 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 21785 % 21786 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 21787 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 21788 I just... to make a long story short..." 21789 -- Stephen Wright 21790 % 21791 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 21792 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. 21793 % 21794 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 21795 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 21796 some of it. 21797 -- Steven Wright 21798 % 21799 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 21800 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 21801 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 21802 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 21803 21804 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 21805 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 21806 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 21807 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 21808 -- R.L. Stevenson 21809 % 21810 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 21811 I spent last summer folding it. 21812 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 21813 -- Steven Wright 21814 % 21815 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 21816 -- Richard Diran 21817 % 21818 I have a simple philosophy: 21819 21820 Fill what's empty. 21821 Empty what's full. 21822 Scratch where it itches. 21823 -- A.R. Longworth 21824 % 21825 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 21826 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 21827 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 21828 -- Steven Wright 21829 % 21830 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 21831 % 21832 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 21833 but I can't prove it. 21834 % 21835 I have a very small mind and must live with it. 21836 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 21837 % 21838 I have a very strange feeling about this... 21839 -- Luke Skywalker 21840 % 21841 "I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 21842 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21843 % 21844 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 21845 sacrifice my wife's brother. 21846 -- Artemus Ward 21847 % 21848 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 21849 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 21850 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 21851 % 21852 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 21853 -- Steven Wright 21854 % 21855 I have become me without my consent. 21856 % 21857 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 21858 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 21859 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 21860 % 21861 I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 21862 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 21863 -- Dave Barry 21864 % 21865 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 21866 cent an idiot. 21867 -- George Bernard Shaw 21868 % 21869 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 21870 to sit still in a room. 21871 -- Blaise Pascal 21872 % 21873 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 21874 I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 21875 -- Camillo Di Cavour 21876 % 21877 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 21878 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 21879 support of the woman I love. 21880 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 21881 of the British throne in order to marry the American 21882 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 21883 % 21884 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 21885 most of them are trash. 21886 -- Sigmund Freud 21887 % 21888 I have gained this by philosophy: 21889 that I do without being commanded what others 21890 do only from fear of the law. 21891 -- Aristotle 21892 % 21893 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 21894 wife's brother. 21895 -- Artemus Ward 21896 % 21897 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 21898 -- Edgar Allan Poe 21899 % 21900 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 21901 of a prostate operation. 21902 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 21903 % 21904 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 21905 -- Plato 21906 % 21907 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 21908 I do believe that is a record. 21909 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 21910 % 21911 I have learned silence from the talkative, 21912 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 21913 -- Kahlil Gibran 21914 % 21915 I have lots of things in my pockets; 21916 None of them is worth anything. 21917 Sociopolitical whines aside, 21918 Gan you give me, gratis, free, 21919 The price of half a gallon 21920 Of Gallo extra bad 21921 And most of the bus fare home. 21922 % 21923 I have made mistakes but I have never made the 21924 mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 21925 -- James Gordon Bennett 21926 % 21927 I have made this letter longer than usual 21928 because I lack the time to make it shorter. 21929 -- Blaise Pascal 21930 % 21931 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 21932 % 21933 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 21934 -- Cerebus, #82 21935 % 21936 I have never been one to sacrifice 21937 my appetite on the altar of appearance. 21938 -- A.M. Readyhough 21939 % 21940 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 21941 -- Mark Twain 21942 % 21943 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 21944 -- Rob Pike, on X. 21945 21946 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 21947 gone in two years. He was half right. 21948 -- Dennis Ritchie 21949 21950 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 21951 -- Jim Gettys 21952 % 21953 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 21954 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 21955 establishment. 21956 -- Alan Bennett 21957 % 21958 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 21959 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 21960 -- Thoreau 21961 % 21962 I have no doubt the Devil grins, 21963 As seas of ink I spatter. 21964 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 21965 The other kind don't matter. 21966 -- Robert W. Service 21967 % 21968 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 21969 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 21970 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 21971 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 21972 % 21973 I have not yet begun to byte! 21974 % 21975 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 21976 -- George Wallace 21977 % 21978 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 21979 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 21980 be blockhead enough to have me. 21981 -- Abraham Lincoln 21982 % 21983 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 21984 -- Jimmy Carter 21985 % 21986 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 21987 -- Publilius Syrus 21988 % 21989 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 21990 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 21991 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 21992 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 21993 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 21994 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 21995 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even 21996 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 21997 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 21998 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 21999 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 22000 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 22001 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 22002 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 22003 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 22004 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 22005 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 22006 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 22007 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 22008 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 22009 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 22010 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 22011 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 22012 be economized by the aid of machinery. 22013 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 22014 % 22015 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 22016 -- Kehlog Albran 22017 % 22018 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 22019 % 22020 I have that old biological urge, 22021 I have that old irresistible surge, 22022 I'm hungry. 22023 % 22024 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 22025 -- Oscar Wilde 22026 % 22027 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 22028 -- Richard Burton 22029 % 22030 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 22031 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 22032 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 22033 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 22034 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 22035 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 22036 science of data processing), c. 1957 22037 % 22038 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 22039 -- John D. Rockefeller 22040 % 22041 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when 22042 you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 22043 -- Poul Anderson 22044 % 22045 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 22046 % 22047 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 22048 % 22049 I hear the sound that the machines make, 22050 and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 22051 % 22052 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 22053 % 22054 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 22055 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 22056 more than he knows. 22057 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22058 % 22059 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 22060 -- Thomas Jefferson 22061 % 22062 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 22063 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 22064 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 22065 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 22066 22067 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 22068 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 22069 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 22070 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 22071 22072 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 22073 % 22074 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 22075 secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 22076 % 22077 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 22078 -- Raoul Duke 22079 % 22080 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 22081 I think I saw God. 22082 -- B. Hathrume Duk 22083 % 22084 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 22085 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 22086 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 22087 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 22088 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 22089 % 22090 I just got out of the hospital after a 22091 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 22092 -- S. Wright 22093 % 22094 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 22095 -- Casey Stengel 22096 % 22097 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 22098 -- Bill Hoest 22099 % 22100 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 22101 "Did you ever see a doctor?" 22102 "No, just spots." 22103 % 22104 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 22105 I haven't had time for tobacco since. 22106 -- Arturo Toscanini 22107 % 22108 I knew her before she was a virgin. 22109 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 22110 % 22111 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 22112 If I could just remember what it was. 22113 % 22114 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 22115 take one along that worked. 22116 -- Raymond Chandler 22117 % 22118 I know if you been talkin' you done said 22119 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 22120 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 22121 and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 22122 But don't you get square! 22123 There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 22124 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 22125 % 22126 I know not how I came into this, 22127 shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 22128 -- St. Augustine 22129 % 22130 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 22131 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 22132 -- Albert Einstein 22133 % 22134 I know on which side my bread is buttered. 22135 -- John Heywood 22136 % 22137 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 22138 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 22139 -- Charles Schulz 22140 % 22141 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 22142 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 22143 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22144 % 22145 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 22146 custody means. Get even with your old lady. 22147 -- Lenny Bruce 22148 % 22149 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 22150 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 22151 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 22152 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 22153 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 22154 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 22155 % 22156 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 22157 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 22158 it means. 22159 % 22160 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 22161 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 22162 % 22163 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 22164 % 22165 I lately lost a preposition; 22166 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 22167 And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 22168 Up from out of under there." 22169 22170 Correctness is my vade mecum, 22171 And straggling phrases I abhor, 22172 And yet I wondered, "What should he come 22173 Up from out of under for?" 22174 -- Morris Bishop 22175 % 22176 I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 22177 Waitin' for the double E. 22178 The railroad don't run no more. 22179 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 22180 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 22181 These young girls won't let me be, 22182 Lord have mercy on me! 22183 Woe is me! 22184 22185 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 22186 Well, I ain't naming names. 22187 But she really worked me over good, 22188 She was just like Jesse James. 22189 She really worked me over good, 22190 She was a credit to her gender. 22191 She put me through some changes, boy, 22192 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 22193 22194 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 22195 She asked me if I'd beat her. 22196 She took me back to the Hyatt House, 22197 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 22198 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 22199 % 22200 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 22201 didn't is just lyin'! 22202 -- Willie Nelson 22203 % 22204 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 22205 -- Art Leo 22206 % 22207 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 22208 that kidnapped Europa. 22209 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 22210 % 22211 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 22212 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 22213 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 22214 the way and let them have it. 22215 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22216 % 22217 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 22218 % 22219 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 22220 -- Tom McGuane 22221 % 22222 I like your game but we have to change the rules. 22223 % 22224 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 22225 % 22226 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 22227 to bite people themselves. 22228 -- August Strindberg 22229 % 22230 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 22231 I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 22232 -- Art Buchwald 22233 % 22234 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 22235 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 22236 -- Rita Rudner 22237 % 22238 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 22239 someone takes them away. 22240 -- Nancy Mitford 22241 % 22242 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 22243 It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 22244 % 22245 I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 22246 -- Schulz 22247 % 22248 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 22249 -- Walt Disney 22250 % 22251 I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 22252 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 22253 % 22254 I love treason but hate a traitor. 22255 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 22256 % 22257 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 22258 -- Elvis Costello 22259 % 22260 I love you, not only for what you are, 22261 but for what I am when I am with you. 22262 -- Roy Croft 22263 % 22264 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 22265 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 22266 irresistible. 22267 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 22268 % 22269 I married beneath me. All women do. 22270 -- Lady Nancy Astor 22271 % 22272 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 22273 % 22274 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 22275 -- Doctor Graper 22276 % 22277 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 22278 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22279 % 22280 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 22281 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 22282 % 22283 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 22284 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 22285 -- Steven Wright 22286 % 22287 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 22288 congressman. 22289 -- Will Rogers 22290 % 22291 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 22292 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 22293 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 22294 % 22295 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 22296 -- Alexander Woolcott 22297 % 22298 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 22299 week sometimes to make it up. 22300 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 22301 % 22302 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 22303 % 22304 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 22305 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 22306 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 22307 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 22308 feet for the base. 22309 22310 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 22311 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 22312 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 22313 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 22314 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 22315 22316 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 22317 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 22318 crowding. 22319 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 22320 % 22321 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 22322 -- Fratianno 22323 % 22324 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 22325 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 22326 way. 22327 -- Jay Gould 22328 % 22329 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 22330 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 22331 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 22332 % 22333 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 22334 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 22335 Royal Family 22336 % 22337 I never did it that way before. 22338 % 22339 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 22340 places they do today. 22341 -- Will Rogers 22342 % 22343 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 22344 could do was to go away. 22345 % 22346 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 22347 -- Groucho Marx 22348 % 22349 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 22350 -- Mickey Cohen 22351 % 22352 I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 22353 -- Mae West 22354 % 22355 I never made a mistake in my life. 22356 I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 22357 -- Lucy Van Pelt 22358 % 22359 I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 22360 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman 22361 % 22362 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 22363 % 22364 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 22365 % 22366 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 22367 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 22368 % 22369 I never saw a purple cow 22370 I never hope to see one 22371 But I can tell you anyhow 22372 I'd rather see than be one. 22373 -- Gellett Burgess 22374 22375 I've never seen a purple cow 22376 I never hope to see one 22377 But from the milk we're getting now 22378 There certainly must be one 22379 -- Ogden Nash 22380 22381 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 22382 I'm sorry now I wrote it 22383 But I can tell you anyhow 22384 I'll kill you if you quote it. 22385 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 22386 % 22387 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 22388 % 22389 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 22390 -- W.C. Fields 22391 % 22392 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 22393 -- G.B. Shaw 22394 % 22395 I only know what I read in the papers. 22396 -- Will Rogers 22397 % 22398 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 22399 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 22400 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 22401 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 22402 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 22403 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 22404 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 22405 -- Letters From Colette 22406 % 22407 I owe, I owe, 22408 It's off to work I go... 22409 % 22410 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 22411 toilet seat. 22412 -- Michael McShane 22413 % 22414 I owe the public nothing. 22415 -- J.P. Morgan 22416 % 22417 I own my own body, but I share. 22418 % 22419 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 22420 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 22421 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 22422 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 22423 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 22424 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 22425 will be happy. 22426 -- Thomas Jefferson 22427 % 22428 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind 22429 of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances 22430 being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms 22431 of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like 22432 a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments 22433 as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. 22434 -- Dave Barry 22435 % 22436 I pledge allegiance to the flag 22437 of the United States of America 22438 and to the republic for which it stands, 22439 one nation, 22440 indivisible, 22441 with liberty 22442 and justice for all. 22443 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 22444 % 22445 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22446 -- S. Wright 22447 % 22448 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 22449 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 22450 % 22451 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 22452 -- Cicero 22453 22454 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 22455 -- Poor Richard 22456 % 22457 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 22458 -- William F. Buckley 22459 % 22460 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 22461 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 22462 -- Stephen Wright 22463 % 22464 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 22465 -- Steven Wright 22466 % 22467 I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. 22468 -- Stephen Wright 22469 % 22470 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 22471 -- Stephen Wright 22472 % 22473 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 22474 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 22475 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 22476 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 22477 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 22478 aspire to crudeness. 22479 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 22480 % 22481 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 22482 -- Neil Armstrong 22483 % 22484 I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be 22485 what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never 22486 imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 22487 that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 22488 been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' 22489 % 22490 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 22491 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 22492 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 22493 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 22494 "What's it about?" 22495 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 22496 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 22497 -- Ian Shoales 22498 % 22499 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 22500 To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 22501 % 22502 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 22503 -- Aneurin Bevan 22504 % 22505 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 22506 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 22507 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 22508 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 22509 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 22510 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 22511 % 22512 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 22513 -- Marilyn Chambers 22514 % 22515 I really hate this damned machine 22516 I wish that they would sell it. 22517 It never does quite what I want 22518 But only what I tell it. 22519 % 22520 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 22521 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 22522 something of what has been passing in their time. 22523 -- H. Truman 22524 % 22525 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 22526 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 22527 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 22528 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 22529 "Cut it out." 22530 -- Stephen Wright 22531 % 22532 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 22533 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 22534 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 22535 -- Stephen King 22536 % 22537 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 22538 believing that some men are my equals. 22539 -- Brigid Brophy 22540 % 22541 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 22542 % 22543 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 22544 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 22545 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 22546 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 22547 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 22548 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 22549 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 22550 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 22551 -- Alistair Cooke 22552 % 22553 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 22554 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 22555 and didn't come back for 20 years. 22556 % 22557 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 22558 kind of loophole. 22559 -- Leo Kessler 22560 % 22561 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 22562 looks like I'm the only one moving. 22563 -- Steven Wright 22564 % 22565 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 22566 -- Wilson Mizner 22567 % 22568 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 22569 woman should marry -- and no man. 22570 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 22571 % 22572 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 22573 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 22574 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 22575 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 22576 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 22577 if they don't get it. 22578 -- Mark Twain 22579 % 22580 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 22581 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 22582 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 22583 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 22584 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 22585 % 22586 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 22587 and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 22588 % 22589 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 22590 'Round and round they sped. 22591 I was disturbed at this, 22592 I accosted the man, 22593 "It is futile," I said. 22594 "You can never--" 22595 "You lie!" He cried, 22596 and ran on. 22597 -- Stephen Crane 22598 % 22599 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 22600 -- Stephen Wright 22601 % 22602 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 22603 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 22604 deserve a series?" 22605 % 22606 I saw what you did and I know who you are. 22607 % 22608 I see a bad moon rising. 22609 I see trouble on the way. 22610 I see earthquakes and lightnin' 22611 I see bad times today. 22612 Don't go 'round tonight, 22613 It's bound to take your life. 22614 There's a bad moon on the rise. 22615 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 22616 % 22617 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 22618 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 22619 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22620 % 22621 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 22622 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 22623 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 22624 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22625 % 22626 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 22627 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 22628 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 22629 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 22630 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 22631 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 22632 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 22633 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 22634 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 22635 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 22636 knocked, 22637 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 22638 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 22639 22640 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 22641 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 22642 % 22643 I sent a message to another time, 22644 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 22645 I sent a message to another plane, 22646 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 22647 ... 22648 I met someone who looks at lot like you, 22649 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 22650 She's only programmed to be very nice, 22651 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 22652 She tells me that she likes me very much, 22653 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 22654 ... 22655 I realize that it must seem so strange, 22656 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 22657 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 22658 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 22659 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 22660 % 22661 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 22662 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 22663 in his veins. 22664 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 22665 % 22666 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 22667 -- graffito in Los Angeles 22668 22669 On a clear day, 22670 U.C.L.A. 22671 -- graffito in San Francisco 22672 22673 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 22674 lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 22675 -- Robert Orben 22676 % 22677 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 22678 -- Los Angeles graffito 22679 % 22680 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 22681 most western countries. 22682 -- George Burns 22683 % 22684 I smell a wumpus. 22685 % 22686 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 22687 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 22688 -- Woody Allen 22689 % 22690 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 22691 ability. 22692 -- Oscar Wilde 22693 % 22694 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22695 -- Stephen Wright 22696 % 22697 I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. 22698 -- Stephen Wright 22699 % 22700 I steal. 22701 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 22702 22703 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 22704 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 22705 % 22706 I stick my neck out for nobody. 22707 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 22708 % 22709 I stood on the leading edge, 22710 The eastern seaboard at my feet. 22711 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono 22712 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 22713 Go on and give it a try, 22714 Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 22715 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 22716 % 22717 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 22718 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 22719 -- Shirley Temple 22720 % 22721 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a 22722 department store, and he asked for my autograph. 22723 -- Shirley Temple 22724 % 22725 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. 22726 -- CP30 22727 % 22728 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 22729 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 22730 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 22731 That needs a helping hand, 22732 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 22733 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 22734 % 22735 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22736 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22737 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22738 are worth considering, to wit: 22739 22740 [110.13]: 22741 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22742 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22743 22744 [22.17b]: 22745 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 22746 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 22747 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 22748 on the highway." 22749 22750 [41.16]: 22751 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 22752 asking for it." 22753 % 22754 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22755 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22756 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22757 are worth considering, to wit: 22758 22759 [131.16d]: 22760 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 22761 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 22762 a U-turn on a divided highway." 22763 22764 [96.7b]: 22765 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 22766 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 22767 traveling more than 60 MPH." 22768 22769 [110.13]: 22770 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22771 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22772 % 22773 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22774 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22775 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22776 are worth considering, to wit: 22777 22778 [173.15b]: 22779 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 22780 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 22781 22782 [141.2a]: 22783 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 22784 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 22785 a 5' parking space." 22786 22787 [105.31]: 22788 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 22789 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 22790 % 22791 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 22792 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 22793 % 22794 "I suppose you expect me to talk." 22795 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 22796 -- Goldfinger 22797 % 22798 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 22799 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 22800 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 22801 % 22802 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 22803 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 22804 munchies, and ate the other half. 22805 22806 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 22807 bottle stuck up my nose. 22808 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22809 % 22810 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 22811 and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 22812 22813 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 22814 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 22815 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 22816 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22817 % 22818 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 22819 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 22820 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 22821 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22822 % 22823 I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 22824 kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 22825 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22826 % 22827 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 22828 -- Escher 22829 % 22830 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 22831 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 22832 -- Woody Allen 22833 % 22834 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 22835 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 22836 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 22837 that I am! 22838 -- Monty Python 22839 % 22840 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 22841 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." 22842 -- The Life of Brian 22843 % 22844 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 22845 -- Shakespeare 22846 % 22847 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 22848 paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 22849 % 22850 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 22851 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22852 % 22853 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 22854 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 22855 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 22856 % 22857 I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 22858 -- Oscar Wilde 22859 % 22860 I think that I shall never hear 22861 A poem lovelier than beer. 22862 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 22863 With golden base and snowy cap. 22864 The stuff that I can drink all day 22865 Until my mem'ry melts away. 22866 Poems are made by fools, I fear 22867 But only Schlitz can make a beer. 22868 % 22869 I think that I shall never see 22870 A billboard lovely as a tree. 22871 Indeed, unless the billboards fall 22872 I'll never see a tree at all. 22873 -- Nash 22874 % 22875 I think that I shall never see 22876 A thing as lovely as a tree. 22877 But as you see the trees have gone 22878 They went this morning with the dawn. 22879 A logging firm from out of town 22880 Came and chopped the trees all down. 22881 But I will trick those dirty skunks 22882 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 22883 % 22884 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 22885 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 22886 -- Chick 22887 % 22888 I think the world is run by C students. 22889 -- Al McGuire 22890 % 22891 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 22892 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 22893 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 22894 effect." 22895 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22896 % 22897 I think, therefore I am... I think. 22898 % 22899 I think there's a world market for about five computers. 22900 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 22901 % 22902 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 22903 paneling. 22904 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22905 % 22906 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 22907 -- T.S. Eliot 22908 % 22909 I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 22910 -- Firesign Theatre 22911 % 22912 I think we're in trouble. 22913 -- Han Solo 22914 % 22915 I think your opinions are reasonable, 22916 except for the one about my mental instability. 22917 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University 22918 % 22919 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 22920 "As a programmer, yes," she replied, 22921 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 22922 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 22923 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 22924 They had so much in common, you'd say. 22925 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 22926 And prompts that were cute or risque'. 22927 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 22928 She sent one from some past high school day, 22929 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 22930 If they hadn't met in L.A. 22931 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 22932 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 22933 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 22934 If you were not so totally weird!" 22935 If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 22936 And he had not done just the same, 22937 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 22938 And would not have had fun with the game. 22939 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 22940 Electronic Mail" 22941 % 22942 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 22943 working for scale. 22944 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 22945 % 22946 I thought YOU silenced the guard! 22947 % 22948 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 22949 One of them said, "So will you." 22950 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22951 % 22952 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 22953 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 22954 It's about Russia. 22955 -- Woody Allen 22956 % 22957 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 22958 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 22959 the quest. 22960 -- Madeleine Gobeil 22961 % 22962 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 22963 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 22964 and drown myself in the noise. 22965 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 22966 % 22967 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 22968 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 22969 % 22970 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 22971 -- Bill Veeck 22972 % 22973 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 22974 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 22975 % 22976 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 22977 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 22978 degrees today," and I said "Oops." 22979 22980 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 22981 I never have to go upstairs. 22982 22983 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 22984 front of it in only eight minutes. 22985 -- Stephen Wright 22986 % 22987 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 22988 -- Carole Wallach. 22989 % 22990 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 22991 -- Woodrow Wilson 22992 % 22993 I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 22994 -- Nam June Paik 22995 % 22996 I used to be a rebel in my youth. 22997 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 22998 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 22999 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 23000 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 23001 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 23002 I feel these days. 23003 -- J. Feiffer 23004 % 23005 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 23006 -- Elvis Costello 23007 % 23008 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 23009 -- Mae West 23010 % 23011 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 23012 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 23013 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 23014 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 23015 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 23016 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23017 No more, Mr. Clean, 23018 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23019 They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 23020 23021 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 23022 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 23023 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 23024 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 23025 And punched me in the nose, he said, 23026 (chorus) 23027 He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 23028 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 23029 % 23030 I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 23031 % 23032 I used to have a drinking problem. 23033 Now I love the stuff. 23034 % 23035 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 23036 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 23037 23038 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 23039 like I'm the only one moving. 23040 23041 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 23042 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 23043 to be out that long." 23044 23045 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now 23046 my car goes 500 miles an hour. 23047 -- Stephen Wright 23048 % 23049 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 23050 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 23051 more mature than I am. 23052 % 23053 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 23054 % 23055 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 23056 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 23057 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 23058 -- Rita Mae Brown 23059 % 23060 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 23061 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 23062 -- Emo Phillips 23063 % 23064 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 23065 near the place. 23066 -- Steven Wright 23067 % 23068 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23069 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23070 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23071 the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier 23072 in the summer. 23073 -- Brendan Behan 23074 % 23075 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23076 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23077 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23078 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 23079 in the summer. 23080 -- Brendan Behan 23081 % 23082 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 23083 % 23084 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 23085 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 23086 % 23087 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 23088 Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 23089 % 23090 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 23091 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23092 % 23093 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 23094 -- Freud 23095 % 23096 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 23097 % 23098 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 23099 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 23100 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 23101 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 23102 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 23103 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 23104 the earth. 23105 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 23106 % 23107 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 23108 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 23109 -- Steven Wright 23110 % 23111 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 23112 Trouble I love and peace I despise 23113 Wild horses kicked me in my side 23114 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 23115 -- Bo Diddley 23116 % 23117 I was eatin' some chop suey, 23118 With a lady in St. Louie, 23119 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 23120 And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 23121 Roll this rocker out some money, 23122 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 23123 -- Mr. Miggle 23124 % 23125 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 23126 I said I didn't know. 23127 -- Mark Twain 23128 % 23129 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 23130 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 23131 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 23132 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 23133 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 23134 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 23135 that all the time..." 23136 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 23137 % 23138 I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in 23139 the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 23140 -- Phyllis Diller 23141 % 23142 I was in accord with the system so long as it 23143 permitted me to function effectively. 23144 -- Albert Speer 23145 % 23146 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 23147 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 23148 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 23149 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 23150 avoiding the beach. 23151 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 23152 % 23153 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 23154 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 23155 -- Steven Wright 23156 % 23157 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 23158 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 23159 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 23160 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 23161 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 23162 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 23163 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 23164 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 23165 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 23166 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 23167 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 23168 % 23169 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 23170 full house and four people died. 23171 -- Steven Wright 23172 % 23173 I was the best I ever had. 23174 -- Woody Allen 23175 % 23176 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 23177 -- Billy Braver 23178 % 23179 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 23180 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 23181 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 23182 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 23183 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 23184 % 23185 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 23186 -- Chico Marx 23187 % 23188 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 23189 in the room alone. 23190 % 23191 I went home with a waitress, 23192 The way I always do. 23193 How I was I to know? 23194 She was with the Russians too. 23195 23196 I was gambling in Havana, 23197 I took a little risk. 23198 Send lawyers, guns, and money, 23199 Dad, get me out of this. 23200 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 23201 % 23202 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 23203 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 23204 It's the truth. 23205 -- Charlie Chaplin 23206 % 23207 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 23208 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 23209 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 23210 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 23211 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 23212 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 23213 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 23214 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 23215 program to the point where it would not run at all. 23216 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 23217 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 23218 % 23219 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 23220 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 23221 He said "Nothin'." 23222 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 23223 As if you just squashed a cop. 23224 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 23225 % 23226 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 23227 Great song. 23228 -- Fred Reuss 23229 % 23230 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 23231 French toast during the Renaissance. 23232 -- Stephen Wright 23233 % 23234 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 23235 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 23236 -- Steven Wright 23237 % 23238 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 23239 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 23240 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 23241 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 23242 23243 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 23244 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 23245 23246 There was a computer in every doorknob. 23247 -- Danny Hillis 23248 % 23249 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 23250 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 23251 of a robber. 23252 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 23253 % 23254 I will always love the false image I had of you. 23255 % 23256 I will follow the good side right to the fire, 23257 but not into it if I can help it. 23258 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 23259 % 23260 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 23261 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 23262 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 23263 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 23264 writing on this stone! 23265 -- Charles Dickens 23266 % 23267 I will make you shorter by the head. 23268 -- Elizabeth I 23269 % 23270 I will never lie to you. 23271 % 23272 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 23273 % 23274 I will not drink! 23275 But if I do... 23276 I will not get drunk! 23277 But if I do... 23278 I will not in public! 23279 But if I do... 23280 I will not fall down! 23281 But if I do... 23282 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 23283 % 23284 I will not forget you. 23285 % 23286 I will not play at tug o' war. 23287 I'd rather play at hug o' war, 23288 Where everyone hugs 23289 Instead of tugs, 23290 Where everyone giggles 23291 And rolls on the rug, 23292 Where everyone kisses, 23293 And everyone grins, 23294 And everyone cuddles, 23295 And everyone wins. 23296 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 23297 % 23298 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 23299 one every day. 23300 -- Heine 23301 % 23302 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 23303 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 23304 -- Jack Handey 23305 % 23306 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 23307 and Superman away. 23308 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23309 % 23310 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 23311 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 23312 seem to work. 23313 -- Gallagher 23314 % 23315 I wish you humans would leave me alone. 23316 % 23317 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 23318 % 23319 I woke up a feelin' mean 23320 went down to play the slot machine 23321 the wheels turned round, 23322 and the letters read 23323 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 23324 -- Grateful Dead 23325 % 23326 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 23327 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 23328 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 23329 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 23330 -- Steven Wright 23331 % 23332 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 23333 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 23334 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 23335 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 23336 -- Bastian B. Bux 23337 % 23338 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 23339 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp 23340 % 23341 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 23342 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 23343 -- Steven Wright 23344 % 23345 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 23346 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 23347 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 23348 after we've been home a long while. 23349 -- Casey Stengel 23350 % 23351 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 23352 only they won't let me raise my voice. 23353 -- Winkle 23354 % 23355 I would have made a good pope. 23356 -- Richard Nixon 23357 % 23358 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 23359 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 23360 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 23361 -- Oliver North 23362 % 23363 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 23364 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 23365 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 23366 forget or do not know. 23367 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 23368 23369 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 23370 referring to image activation and termination.] 23371 % 23372 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 23373 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 23374 our tasks will be solved. 23375 -- Warren G. Harding 23376 % 23377 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection 23378 with income tax policies. 23379 -- William F. Buckley 23380 % 23381 I would like to know 23382 What I was fencing in 23383 And what I was fencing out. 23384 -- Robert Frost 23385 % 23386 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going 23387 to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. 23388 In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. 23389 -- Frank Zappa 23390 % 23391 I would much rather have men ask why 23392 I have no statue, than why I have one. 23393 -- Marcus Procius Cato 23394 % 23395 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 23396 they're being taped. 23397 -- Richard Nixon 23398 23399 I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 23400 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 23401 % 23402 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 23403 and be above ground than reign among the dead. 23404 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 23405 % 23406 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 23407 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 23408 % 23409 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 23410 % 23411 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 23412 % 23413 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 23414 for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 23415 -- Hunter S. Thompson 23416 % 23417 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 23418 them scream. 23419 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 23420 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 23421 % 23422 I 23423 am 23424 not 23425 very 23426 happy 23427 acting 23428 pleased 23429 whenever 23430 prominent 23431 scientists 23432 overmagnify 23433 intellectual 23434 enlightenment 23435 % 23436 IBM: 23437 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 23438 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 23439 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 23440 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 23441 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 23442 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 23443 % 23444 IBM: 23445 I've Been Moved 23446 Idiots Become Managers 23447 Idiots Buy More 23448 Impossible to Buy Machine 23449 Incredibly Big Machine 23450 Industry's Biggest Mistake 23451 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 23452 It Boggles the Mind 23453 It's Better Manually 23454 Itty-Bitty Machines 23455 % 23456 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 23457 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 23458 -- with regrets to D. Adams 23459 % 23460 IBM had a PL/I, 23461 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 23462 And everywhere this language went, 23463 It was a total loss. 23464 % 23465 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 23466 % 23467 IBM Pollyanna Principle: 23468 Machines should work. People should think. 23469 % 23470 IBM's original motto: 23471 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 23472 % 23473 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 23474 -- John Denver 23475 23476 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 23477 % 23478 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 23479 % 23480 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 23481 -- Groucho Marx 23482 % 23483 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 23484 -- Princess Leia Organa 23485 % 23486 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 23487 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 23488 feel it. 23489 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23490 % 23491 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 23492 % 23493 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 23494 whole field to private industry. 23495 -- Joseph Heller 23496 % 23497 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 23498 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 23499 % 23500 I'd never cry if I did find 23501 A blue whale in my soup... 23502 Nor would I mind a porcupine 23503 Inside a chicken coop. 23504 Yes life is fine when things combine, 23505 Like ham in beef chow mein... 23506 But lord, this time I think I mind, 23507 They've put acid in my rain. 23508 --- Milo Bloom 23509 % 23510 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 23511 -- Groucho Marx 23512 % 23513 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 23514 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 23515 -- Brenda Starr 23516 % 23517 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. 23518 % 23519 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 23520 -- Fred Allen 23521 23522 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 23523 % 23524 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 23525 -- W.C. Fields 23526 % 23527 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 23528 % 23529 I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 23530 Than cry with the saints, 23531 The sinners are much more fun! 23532 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 23533 % 23534 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 23535 % 23536 Identify your visitor. 23537 % 23538 idiot box, n: 23539 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place 23540 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23541 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 23542 % 23543 idiot box, n: 23544 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 23545 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23546 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 23547 % 23548 idiot, n: 23549 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 23550 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 23551 % 23552 IDLENESS: 23553 Leisure gone to seed. 23554 % 23555 Idleness is the holiday of fools. 23556 % 23557 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 23558 -- Roy Santoro 23559 % 23560 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 23561 is a camel's behind. 23562 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 23563 % 23564 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 23565 % 23566 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 23567 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 23568 % 23569 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 23570 -- William Blake 23571 % 23572 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 23573 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 23574 -- T. Cheatham 23575 % 23576 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 23577 really a guru at all? 23578 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 23579 % 23580 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 23581 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 23582 -- Joseph C. Goulden 23583 % 23584 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 23585 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 23586 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 23587 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23588 % 23589 If a listener nods his head when you're 23590 explaining your program, wake him up. 23591 % 23592 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 23593 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 23594 % 23595 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 23596 -- Thomas Wolfe 23597 % 23598 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 23599 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 23600 % 23601 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 23602 he will lose his reverence for all of life. 23603 -- Albert Schweitzer 23604 % 23605 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 23606 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 23607 it might well prolong his life. 23608 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 23609 % 23610 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 23611 ... it expects what never was and never will be. 23612 -- Thomas Jefferson 23613 % 23614 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 23615 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 23616 will lose that, too. 23617 -- W. Somerset Maugham 23618 % 23619 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 23620 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 23621 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 23622 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 23623 % 23624 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 23625 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 23626 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 23627 gravity supercedes the law of golf. 23628 -- Donald A. Metz 23629 % 23630 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 23631 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 23632 -- Saint Augustine 23633 % 23634 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 23635 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 23636 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 23637 % 23638 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 23639 look at him as if he had lost his senses. 23640 When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 23641 % 23642 If a system is administered wisely, 23643 its users will be content. 23644 They enjoy hacking their code 23645 and don't waste time implementing 23646 labor-saving shell scripts. 23647 Since they dearly love their accounts, 23648 they aren't interested in other machines. 23649 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 23650 but these don't access any hosts. 23651 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 23652 but nobody ever uses them. 23653 People enjoy reading their mail, 23654 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 23655 spend weekends working at their terminals, 23656 delight in the doings at the site. 23657 And even though the next system is so close 23658 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 23659 they are content to die of old age 23660 without ever having gone to see it. 23661 % 23662 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 23663 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 23664 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 23665 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 23666 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 23667 -- Sparky Anderson 23668 % 23669 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 23670 -- G.K. Chesterton 23671 % 23672 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 23673 -- W.C. Fields 23674 % 23675 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 23676 % 23677 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23678 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23679 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23680 -- Rob Stampfli 23681 % 23682 If all be true that I do think, 23683 There be five reasons why one should drink; 23684 Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 23685 Or lest we should be by-and-by, 23686 Or any other reason why. 23687 % 23688 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 23689 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 23690 % 23691 If all else fails, lower your standards. 23692 % 23693 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 23694 % 23695 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 23696 wouldn't be a bit surprised. 23697 -- Dorothy Parker 23698 % 23699 If all the seas were ink, 23700 And all the reeds were pens, 23701 And all the skies were parchment, 23702 And all the men could write, 23703 These would not suffice 23704 To write down all the red tape 23705 Of this Government. 23706 % 23707 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 23708 -- Paul Beatty 23709 % 23710 If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 23711 we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 23712 -- William Baumol 23713 % 23714 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 23715 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 23716 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 23717 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even 23718 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 23719 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 23720 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 23721 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 23722 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 23723 % 23724 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 23725 % 23726 If an S and an I and an O and a U 23727 With an X at the end spell Su; 23728 And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 23729 Pray what is a speller to do? 23730 Then, if also an S and an I and a G 23731 And an HED spell side, 23732 There's nothing much left for a speller to do 23733 But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 23734 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 23735 % 23736 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 23737 car he ever lays down in front of. 23738 -- George Wallace 23739 % 23740 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 23741 let him become president of Harvard. 23742 -- Edward Holyoke 23743 % 23744 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 23745 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 23746 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 23747 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 23748 % 23749 If anything can go wrong, it will. 23750 % 23751 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 23752 % 23753 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 23754 % 23755 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 23756 % 23757 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 23758 % 23759 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23760 -- W.E. Hickson 23761 % 23762 If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. 23763 No use being a damn fool about it. 23764 % 23765 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23766 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 23767 -- W.C. Fields 23768 23769 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 23770 % 23771 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 23772 % 23773 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 23774 -- Leonard Levinson 23775 % 23776 If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. 23777 % 23778 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 23779 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 23780 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 23781 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 23782 plentiful as blackberries. 23783 -- Leslie Stephen 23784 % 23785 If bankers can count, how come they have 23786 eight windows and only four tellers? 23787 % 23788 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 23789 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 23790 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 23791 % 23792 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 23793 then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 23794 % 23795 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 23796 but illegal purposes. 23797 -- J. Edgar Hoover 23798 % 23799 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 23800 % 23801 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 23802 -- William Blake 23803 % 23804 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 23805 Watt's office. 23806 -- Wayne Shannon 23807 % 23808 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 23809 % 23810 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 23811 serve us right. 23812 -- Alistair Cooke 23813 % 23814 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 23815 % 23816 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 23817 deserve to have any. 23818 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 23819 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 23820 conviction for sodomy. 23821 % 23822 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 23823 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 23824 is a fraud. 23825 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 23826 % 23827 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 23828 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 23829 no middleman. 23830 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 23831 % 23832 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 23833 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 23834 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 23835 % 23836 If everything on the road of life seems to 23837 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 23838 % 23839 If everything seems to be going well, 23840 you have obviously overlooked something. 23841 % 23842 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 23843 -- Bertrand Russell 23844 % 23845 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 23846 % 23847 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 23848 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 23849 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 23850 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 23851 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 23852 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 23853 -- Bill Boquist 23854 % 23855 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 23856 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 23857 % 23858 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 23859 % 23860 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 23861 % 23862 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 23863 % 23864 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 23865 would have only had ten disciples. 23866 % 23867 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 23868 % 23869 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 23870 % 23871 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 23872 % 23873 If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 23874 we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 23875 % 23876 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 23877 % 23878 If God had not given us sticky tape, 23879 it would have been necessary to invent it. 23880 % 23881 If God had really intended men to fly, 23882 he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 23883 -- George Winters 23884 % 23885 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 23886 have made them cute and furry. 23887 -- Dave Barry 23888 % 23889 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 23890 only ten apostles. 23891 % 23892 If God had wanted you to go around nude, 23893 He would have given you bigger hands. 23894 % 23895 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 23896 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 23897 % 23898 If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 23899 % 23900 If God is One, what is bad? 23901 -- Charles Manson 23902 % 23903 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 23904 % 23905 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 23906 -- Yiddish saying 23907 % 23908 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 23909 -- Marvin Kitman 23910 % 23911 If God wanted us to have a President, 23912 He would have sent us a candidate. 23913 -- Jerry Dreshfield 23914 % 23915 If graphics hackers are so smart, 23916 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 23917 % 23918 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 23919 % 23920 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 23921 -- Chinese proverb 23922 % 23923 If he had only learnt a little less, how 23924 infinitely better he might have taught much more! 23925 % 23926 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 23927 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 23928 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 23929 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 23930 % 23931 If he should ever change his faith, 23932 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 23933 % 23934 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 23935 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 23936 % 23937 If I could read your mind, love, 23938 What a tale your thoughts could tell, 23939 Just like a paperback novel, 23940 The kind the drugstore sells, 23941 When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 23942 The hero would be me, 23943 Heroes often fail, 23944 You won't read that book again, because 23945 the ending is just too hard to take. 23946 23947 I walk away, like a movie star, 23948 Who gets burned in a three way script, 23949 Enter number two, 23950 A movie queen to play the scene 23951 Of bringing all the good things out in me, 23952 But for now, love, let's be real 23953 I never thought I could act this way, 23954 And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 23955 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 23956 And I just can't get it back... 23957 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 23958 % 23959 If I could stick my pen in my heart, 23960 I would spill it all over the stage. 23961 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 23962 Would you think the boy was strange? 23963 Ain't he strange? 23964 ... 23965 If I could stick a knife in my heart, 23966 Suicide right on the stage, 23967 Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 23968 Would it help to ease the pain? 23969 Ease your brain? 23970 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 23971 % 23972 If I don't drive around the park, 23973 I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 23974 If I'm in bed each night by ten, 23975 I may get back my looks again. 23976 If I abstain from fun and such, 23977 I'll probably amount to much; 23978 But I shall stay the way I am, 23979 Because I do not give a damn. 23980 -- Dorothy Parker 23981 % 23982 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 23983 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 23984 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 23985 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 23986 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 23987 % 23988 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 23989 % 23990 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 23991 got to be a better way. 23992 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23993 % 23994 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 23995 I'd sell the plantation and go home. 23996 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 23997 % 23998 If I had any humility I would be perfect. 23999 -- Ted Turner 24000 % 24001 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 24002 a laboratory jar at Harvard. 24003 -- Frank Sinatra 24004 24005 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 24006 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 24007 % 24008 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 24009 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 24010 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 24011 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 24012 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 24013 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 24014 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 24015 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 24016 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 24017 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 24018 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 24019 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 24020 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 24021 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 24022 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 24023 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 24024 % 24025 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 24026 -- Albert Einstein 24027 % 24028 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 24029 -- Tallulah Bankhead 24030 % 24031 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 24032 % 24033 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 24034 shoulders of giants. 24035 -- Isaac Newton 24036 24037 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 24038 the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 24039 -- Gerald Holton 24040 24041 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 24042 my shoulders. 24043 -- Hal Abelson 24044 24045 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 24046 -- Gauss 24047 24048 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 24049 stand on each other's toes. 24050 -- Richard Hamming 24051 24052 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 24053 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 24054 software engineers dig each other's graves. 24055 -- Unknown 24056 % 24057 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 24058 -- Bob Hope 24059 % 24060 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 24061 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 24062 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 24063 % 24064 If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24065 -- Goethe 24066 % 24067 If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24068 -- Johann van Goethe 24069 % 24070 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 24071 -- Alan Parsons Project 24072 % 24073 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 24074 I'm an engineer working on something. 24075 -- S.R. McElroy 24076 % 24077 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 24078 % 24079 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 24080 As Dame Fortune did intend, 24081 Murphy would be there to tell me 24082 The pot's at the other end. 24083 -- Bert Whitney 24084 % 24085 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 24086 % 24087 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 24088 work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 24089 -- Douglas Jerrold 24090 % 24091 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 24092 because I can't swim. 24093 -- Bob Stanfield 24094 % 24095 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 24096 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 24097 -- G. Hirst 24098 % 24099 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 24100 -- Jerry Muscha 24101 % 24102 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 24103 answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 24104 % 24105 If in doubt, mumble. 24106 % 24107 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 24108 % 24109 If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 24110 % 24111 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 24112 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 24113 % 24114 If it happens once, it's a bug. 24115 If it happens twice, it's a feature. 24116 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 24117 % 24118 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 24119 % 24120 If it heals good, say it. 24121 % 24122 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 24123 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 24124 -- Samuel Clemens 24125 % 24126 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 24127 % 24128 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 24129 it's physics. 24130 % 24131 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 24132 -- Ronald Reagan 24133 % 24134 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 24135 % 24136 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24137 % 24138 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 24139 % 24140 If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. 24141 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 24142 % 24143 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 24144 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 24145 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 24146 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 24147 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 24148 -- James Dickey 24149 % 24150 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 24151 % 24152 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 24153 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 24154 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 24155 % 24156 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 24157 % 24158 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 24159 % 24160 If it's worth doing, do it for money. 24161 % 24162 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 24163 % 24164 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 24165 % 24166 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 24167 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 24168 fun of it. 24169 -- Thomas Carlyle 24170 % 24171 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 24172 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 24173 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 24174 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 24175 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 24176 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 24177 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 24178 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 24179 % 24180 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 24181 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 24182 -- Karl Marx's Mother 24183 % 24184 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 24185 % 24186 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 24187 % 24188 If life is merely a joke, the question 24189 still remains: for whose amusement? 24190 % 24191 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 24192 % 24193 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 24194 you've got in the house. 24195 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 24196 % 24197 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 24198 -- Lily Tomlin 24199 % 24200 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 24201 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 24202 % 24203 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 24204 -- Phil Lapsley 24205 % 24206 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 24207 % 24208 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 24209 -- Mary Wilson Little 24210 % 24211 If mathematically you end up with the wrong 24212 answer, try multiplying by the page number. 24213 % 24214 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 24215 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 24216 -- Frances Rodman 24217 % 24218 If men are not afraid to die, 24219 it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 24220 24221 If men live in constant fear of dying, 24222 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 24223 Who will dare to break the law? 24224 24225 There is always an official executioner. 24226 If you try to take his place, 24227 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 24228 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 24229 you will only hurt your hand. 24230 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 24231 % 24232 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 24233 be a merrier world. 24234 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 24235 % 24236 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 24237 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 24238 and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24239 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 24240 % 24241 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 24242 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 24243 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24244 -- Thomas De Quincey 24245 % 24246 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 24247 over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 24248 -- Oscar Wilde 24249 % 24250 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 24251 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 24252 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 24253 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 24254 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 24255 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 24256 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 24257 get an unfair advantage. 24258 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 24259 % 24260 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 24261 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 24262 of the Young" 24263 % 24264 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 24265 -- Woody Allen 24266 % 24267 If only God would give me some clear sign! 24268 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 24269 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 24270 % 24271 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of 24272 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24273 % 24274 If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 24275 % 24276 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 24277 % 24278 If only you knew she loved you, you could 24279 face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 24280 % 24281 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 24282 % 24283 If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 24284 -- G.B. Shaw 24285 % 24286 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 24287 then we are a sorry lot indeed. 24288 -- Albert Einstein 24289 % 24290 If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 24291 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 24292 -- Doug Larson 24293 % 24294 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 24295 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 24296 24297 [What brand of ink? Ed.] 24298 % 24299 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 24300 will take sandwiches. 24301 -- Lord Boyd-orr 24302 24303 Eats first, morals after. 24304 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 24305 % 24306 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 24307 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 24308 -- Hermann Goering 24309 % 24310 If people see that you mean them no harm, 24311 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 24312 % 24313 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 24314 % 24315 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 24316 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 24317 % 24318 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 24319 % 24320 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 24321 % 24322 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 24323 % 24324 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 24325 -- Tom Wicker 24326 % 24327 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 24328 24329 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 24330 Eating components of soured milk. 24331 On at least one occasion, 24332 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 24333 Or at least in her vicinity, 24334 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 24335 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 24336 -- Ann Melugin Williams 24337 % 24338 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 24339 pool cues, who would win? 24340 1) Ricky Schroder 24341 2) Gary Coleman 24342 3) The television viewing public 24343 -- David Letterman 24344 % 24345 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 24346 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 24347 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 24348 the use of the mathematics of probability. 24349 -- Vannevar Bush 24350 % 24351 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 24352 books on how to? 24353 -- Bette Midler 24354 % 24355 If she had not been cupric in her ions, 24356 Her shape ovoidal, 24357 Their romance might have flourished. 24358 But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 24359 His ions ferric, 24360 Love could not help but die, 24361 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 24362 % 24363 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 24364 -- Robert Frost 24365 % 24366 If some people didn't tell you, 24367 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 24368 % 24369 If someone had told me I would be Pope 24370 one day, I would have studied harder. 24371 -- Pope John Paul I 24372 % 24373 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 24374 % 24375 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 24376 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 24377 % 24378 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 24379 way they do? 24380 % 24381 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 24382 and never be our destiny. 24383 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 24384 % 24385 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 24386 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, 24387 and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 24388 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 24389 % 24390 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 24391 this would be a better world. 24392 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 24393 % 24394 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 24395 -- Norm Schryer 24396 % 24397 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 24398 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 24399 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 24400 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 24401 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 24402 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 24403 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 24404 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 24405 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 24406 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 24407 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 24408 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 24409 put on a professor. 24410 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24411 % 24412 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 24413 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 24414 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 24415 feature, that. 24416 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. 24417 % 24418 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 24419 -- Robert Moses 24420 % 24421 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 24422 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 24423 -- Doug Larson 24424 24425 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 24426 % 24427 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 24428 -- Albert Einstein 24429 % 24430 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 24431 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 24432 % 24433 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 24434 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 24435 % 24436 If the government doesn't trust the people, why 24437 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 24438 % 24439 If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 24440 consider what may be fertilizing it. 24441 % 24442 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 24443 we would be so simple we couldn't. 24444 % 24445 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 24446 I would have recommended something simpler. 24447 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 24448 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 24449 % 24450 If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 24451 the lives of both have been wasted. 24452 % 24453 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 24454 then this sentence would not be false. 24455 % 24456 If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 24457 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 24458 -- Frank Zappa 24459 % 24460 If the odds are a million to one against something 24461 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 24462 % 24463 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 24464 -- Anatole France 24465 % 24466 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 24467 what a living the poor could make! 24468 % 24469 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 24470 % 24471 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 24472 % 24473 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 24474 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 24475 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 24476 paper folding, or something. 24477 -- C. Philip Wood 24478 % 24479 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 24480 -- Chief Dan George 24481 % 24482 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 24483 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 24484 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 24485 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 24486 -- Reverend Chichester 24487 % 24488 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 24489 % 24490 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, 24491 the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 24492 24493 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 24494 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 24495 % 24496 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 24497 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 24498 of this life. 24499 -- Albert Camus 24500 % 24501 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 24502 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 24503 % 24504 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 24505 can't afford divorce. 24506 -- Jack Nicholson 24507 % 24508 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 24509 -- Art Hoppe 24510 % 24511 If there is no wind, row. 24512 -- Polish proverb 24513 % 24514 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 24515 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 24516 -- Saul Goodman 24517 % 24518 If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 24519 % 24520 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 24521 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 24522 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 24523 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 24524 % 24525 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 24526 % 24527 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 24528 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 24529 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 24530 to crudeness... 24531 -- Johnny Mnemonic 24532 % 24533 If they were so inclined, they could impeach 24534 him because they don't like his necktie. 24535 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 24536 % 24537 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 24538 % 24539 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 24540 % 24541 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 24542 It's not time yet. 24543 % 24544 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 24545 % 24546 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 24547 -- Lily Tomlin 24548 % 24549 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 24550 doing the thinking. 24551 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24552 24553 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 24554 helmet off. 24555 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24556 24557 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 24558 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 24559 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24560 % 24561 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 24562 -- Ernest Hemingway 24563 % 24564 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 24565 % 24566 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24567 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24568 % 24569 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 24570 % 24571 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 24572 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 24573 % 24574 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 24575 all be millionaires. 24576 -- Abigail Van Buren 24577 % 24578 If we do not change our direction we are 24579 likely to end up where we are headed. 24580 % 24581 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 24582 -- John Sinclair 24583 % 24584 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 24585 of it. 24586 -- Oscar Wilde 24587 % 24588 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 24589 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 24590 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 24591 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 24592 crimes. 24593 % 24594 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 24595 It's the light of an oncoming train. 24596 -- Robert Lowell 24597 % 24598 If we spoke a different language, we 24599 would perceive a somewhat different world. 24600 -- Wittgenstein 24601 % 24602 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 24603 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 24604 -- Samuel Adams 24605 % 24606 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 24607 with alarm clocks. 24608 % 24609 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 24610 % 24611 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 24612 do something else. 24613 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 24614 % 24615 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 24616 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 24617 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 24618 -- Marguerite Emmons 24619 % 24620 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 24621 % 24622 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 24623 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 24624 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 24625 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 24626 -- Gloria Steinham 24627 % 24628 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 24629 -- Aristotle Onassis 24630 % 24631 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 24632 Quit work and play for once! 24633 % 24634 If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 24635 -- Arthur Miller 24636 % 24637 If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 24638 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 24639 crazy. 24640 % 24641 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24642 -- Anton Chekov 24643 % 24644 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24645 -- Chekhov 24646 % 24647 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 24648 % 24649 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 24650 good, you will get out of it. 24651 % 24652 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 24653 your honesty is corrupt. 24654 % 24655 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 24656 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 24657 -- Abigail Van Buren 24658 % 24659 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 24660 If you are for yourself, then what are you? 24661 If not now, when? 24662 % 24663 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 24664 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 24665 words. 24666 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 24667 % 24668 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is 24669 sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions 24670 speak louder than words. 24671 -- Fran Lebowitz 24672 % 24673 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 24674 by your parents, we will cash your check. 24675 % 24676 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 24677 over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 24678 -- Walter Hagen 24679 % 24680 If you are smart enough to know that you're not 24681 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 24682 % 24683 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 24684 % 24685 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 24686 % 24687 If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 24688 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 24689 % 24690 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 24691 -- J. Paul Getty 24692 % 24693 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 24694 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 24695 % 24696 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 24697 % 24698 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 24699 % 24700 If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 24701 -- Harry S. Truman 24702 % 24703 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 24704 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 24705 -- Edwim Schrodinger 24706 % 24707 If you can't be good, be careful. 24708 If you can't be careful, give me a call. 24709 % 24710 If you can't convince them, confuse them. 24711 -- Harry S. Truman 24712 % 24713 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 24714 % 24715 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 24716 % 24717 If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 24718 % 24719 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 24720 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 24721 % 24722 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 24723 % 24724 If you catch a man, throw him back. 24725 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 24726 % 24727 If you continually give you will continually have. 24728 % 24729 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 24730 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24731 % 24732 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 24733 % 24734 If you didn't have most of your friends, 24735 you wouldn't have most of your problems. 24736 % 24737 If you didn't have to work so hard, 24738 you'd have more time to be depressed. 24739 % 24740 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 24741 -- John Galsworthy 24742 % 24743 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 24744 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 24745 -- Carlyle 24746 % 24747 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 24748 % 24749 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 24750 % 24751 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 24752 in the Bible. 24753 -- Mordecai Richler 24754 % 24755 If you don't do it, you'll never know what 24756 would have happened if you had done it. 24757 % 24758 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 24759 % 24760 If you don't drink it, someone else will. 24761 % 24762 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 24763 -- Clarence Day 24764 % 24765 If you don't have the time right now, 24766 will you have redo right time later? 24767 % 24768 If you don't have time to do it right, where 24769 are you going to find the time to do it over? 24770 % 24771 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 24772 % 24773 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 24774 % 24775 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 24776 -- Calvin Coolidge 24777 % 24778 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 24779 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 24780 % 24781 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 24782 % 24783 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 24784 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 24785 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 24786 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 24787 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 24788 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 24789 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 24790 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 24791 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 24792 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 24793 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 24794 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 24795 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 24796 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 24797 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 24798 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 24799 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 24800 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 24801 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 24802 get my drift. 24803 % 24804 If you explain something so clearly that no 24805 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 24806 % 24807 If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 24808 % 24809 If you find a solution and become attached to it, 24810 the solution may become your next problem. 24811 % 24812 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 24813 % 24814 If you float on instinct alone, how can you 24815 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 24816 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 24817 % 24818 If you fool around with something long 24819 enough, it will eventually break. 24820 % 24821 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 24822 % 24823 If you give Congress a chance to vote on 24824 both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 24825 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 24826 % 24827 If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 24828 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 24829 -- Winston Churchill 24830 % 24831 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 24832 so as not to disturb those around you. 24833 % 24834 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 24835 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 24836 swimming. 24837 -- Jack Handey 24838 % 24839 If you had better tools, you could more 24840 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 24841 % 24842 If you had just one moment to live 24843 And they granted you one special wish 24844 Would you ask for something 24845 Like another chance. 24846 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 24847 % 24848 If you hands are clean and your cause is just 24849 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 24850 % 24851 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 24852 % 24853 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 24854 -- Bette Davis 24855 % 24856 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 24857 % 24858 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 24859 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 24860 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 24861 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 24862 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 24863 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 24864 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 24865 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 24866 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 24867 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 24868 straight. 24869 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 24870 % 24871 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 24872 -- Spiro Agnew 24873 % 24874 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 24875 % 24876 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 24877 -- Louis Armstrong 24878 % 24879 If you have to hate, hate gently. 24880 % 24881 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 24882 % 24883 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 24884 in chartered accountancy beckons. 24885 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 24886 Systems course. 24887 % 24888 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 24889 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 24890 -- Neil Bogart 24891 % 24892 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 24893 yourself in the posterior. 24894 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" 24895 % 24896 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 24897 boot yourself in the posterior. 24898 -- A.J. Liebling 24899 % 24900 If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 24901 % 24902 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 24903 rubbish into it. 24904 -- William Orton 24905 % 24906 If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 24907 % 24908 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 24909 -- Petersen Nesbit 24910 % 24911 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 24912 -- Mark Twain 24913 % 24914 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 24915 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 24916 -- David Letterman 24917 % 24918 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 24919 365 useless things. 24920 % 24921 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 24922 % 24923 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 24924 -- Graham Summer 24925 % 24926 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 24927 -- Simone De Beauvoir 24928 % 24929 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 24930 because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 24931 -- George Burns 24932 % 24933 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 24934 and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 24935 -- Garrison Keillor 24936 % 24937 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 24938 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 24939 % 24940 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 24941 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 24942 % 24943 If you lose a son you can always get another, 24944 but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 24945 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 24946 % 24947 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 24948 or famous or both. 24949 % 24950 If you love someone, set them free. 24951 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 24952 % 24953 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 24954 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 24955 % 24956 If you make a mistake you right it 24957 immediately to the best of your ability. 24958 % 24959 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 24960 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 24961 -- The Best of Will Rogers 24962 % 24963 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 24964 but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 24965 % 24966 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 24967 be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 24968 -- Ann Landers 24969 % 24970 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 24971 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 24972 % 24973 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 24974 -- Schmidt 24975 % 24976 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 24977 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 24978 % 24979 If you need anything just whistle. 24980 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 24981 Just put your lips together and blow. 24982 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 24983 % 24984 If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 24985 they must not be deceiving you very well. 24986 % 24987 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not 24988 bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 24989 -- Mark Twain 24990 % 24991 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 24992 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 24993 ice, but no cup. 24994 % 24995 If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 24996 % 24997 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 24998 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 24999 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. 25000 -- Pierre Gallois 25001 % 25002 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 25003 restaurant. 25004 -- Snoopy 25005 % 25006 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 25007 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 25008 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 25009 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 25010 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 25011 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 25012 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 25013 -- Hermann Goering 25014 % 25015 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 25016 % 25017 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 25018 % 25019 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 25020 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 25021 are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 25022 % 25023 If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 25024 % 25025 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 25026 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 25027 -- Swami Prabhupada 25028 % 25029 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 25030 % 25031 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 25032 many it's research. 25033 -- Wilson Mizner 25034 % 25035 If you stew apples like cranberries, 25036 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 25037 -- Groucho Marx 25038 % 25039 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 25040 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 25041 Or some joker who is slicker, 25042 Will trick you of your liquor, 25043 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 25044 % 25045 If you stick your head in the sand, 25046 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 25047 % 25048 If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 25049 % 25050 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 25051 schizophrenia. 25052 -- Thomas Szasz 25053 % 25054 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 25055 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 25056 harm. 25057 % 25058 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 25059 -- Mark Twain 25060 % 25061 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 25062 % 25063 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 25064 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 25065 % 25066 If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 25067 wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 25068 % 25069 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 25070 try missing a couple of car payments. 25071 -- Earl Wilson 25072 % 25073 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 25074 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 25075 your Bic. 25076 % 25077 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 25078 -- Arthur Kasspe 25079 % 25080 If you think the system is working, 25081 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 25082 % 25083 If you think the United States has stood still, 25084 who built the largest shopping center in the world? 25085 -- Richard Nixon 25086 % 25087 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 25088 lack sufficient imagination. 25089 % 25090 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 25091 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 25092 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party 25093 next year. 25094 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 25095 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 25096 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 25097 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 25098 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 25099 another one ... 25100 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 25101 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 25102 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 25103 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 25104 your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 25105 -- Dave Barry 25106 % 25107 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 25108 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 25109 -- Mr. Interesting 25110 % 25111 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 25112 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 25113 % 25114 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 25115 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 25116 -- Dorothy Parker 25117 % 25118 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 25119 -- F.D. Roosevelt 25120 % 25121 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 25122 % 25123 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 25124 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 25125 % 25126 If you want me to be a good little bunny 25127 just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 25128 -- Lauren Bacall 25129 % 25130 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 25131 -- Michelet 25132 % 25133 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 25134 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. 25135 -- Don Marquis 25136 % 25137 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 25138 % 25139 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 25140 -- Woody Allen 25141 % 25142 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 25143 % 25144 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 25145 books. 25146 -- Alan King 25147 % 25148 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 25149 -- Harry Blackstone 25150 % 25151 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 25152 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 25153 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 25154 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 25155 the word "National". 25156 -- George Will 25157 % 25158 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 25159 you say, talk in your sleep. 25160 % 25161 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 25162 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 25163 it, even if they don't know what it means. 25164 -- Walt Kelly 25165 % 25166 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 25167 % 25168 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 25169 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 25170 heartbeats. 25171 % 25172 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 25173 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 25174 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 25175 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 25176 -- Chinese Proverb 25177 % 25178 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 25179 % 25180 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 25181 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 25182 -- Anton Chekov 25183 % 25184 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 25185 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 25186 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 25187 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 25188 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 25189 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 25190 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 25191 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 25192 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 25193 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 25194 why. 25195 % 25196 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 25197 % 25198 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 25199 -- Ben Franklin 25200 % 25201 If you would understand your own age, read the works 25202 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 25203 % 25204 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 25205 Bed down with a pretty girl. 25206 Amor vincit omnia. 25207 % 25208 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 25209 % 25210 If your bread is stale, make toast. 25211 % 25212 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 25213 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 25214 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" 25215 % 25216 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 25217 I guess you do have a problem. 25218 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 25219 % 25220 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 25221 % 25222 If your mother knew what you're doing, 25223 she'd probably hang her head and cry. 25224 % 25225 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 25226 % 25227 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 25228 longer be fantasies. 25229 -- Fran Lebowitz 25230 % 25231 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a 25232 piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. 25233 -- W.C. Fields 25234 % 25235 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 25236 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 25237 -- Jack Handey 25238 % 25239 If you're careful enough, nothing 25240 bad or good will ever happen to you. 25241 % 25242 If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 25243 The Olympics are over. 25244 % 25245 If you're constantly being mistreated, 25246 you're cooperating with the treatment. 25247 % 25248 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 25249 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 25250 together yet. 25251 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. 25252 % 25253 If you're going to America, bring your own food. 25254 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 25255 % 25256 If you're going to do something tonight 25257 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 25258 -- Henny Youngman 25259 % 25260 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 25261 % 25262 If you're happy, you're successful. 25263 % 25264 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 25265 % 25266 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 25267 -- Benjamin Disraeli 25268 % 25269 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 25270 As well as by traffic and crime, 25271 Consider how worry-free gophers are, 25272 Though living on burrowed time. 25273 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 25274 % 25275 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 25276 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 25277 % 25278 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 25279 -- Ronald Reagan 25280 % 25281 ignisecond, n: 25282 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 25283 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 25284 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25285 % 25286 IGNORANCE: 25287 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 25288 % 25289 Ignorance is bliss. 25290 -- Thomas Gray 25291 25292 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 25293 BLISS is ignorance. 25294 % 25295 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 25296 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 25297 -- Franklin K. Dane 25298 % 25299 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 25300 % 25301 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 25302 so resolutely pursuing it. 25303 % 25304 Ignore previous fortune. 25305 % 25306 Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 25307 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 25308 Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 25309 Et le momerade horgrave. 25310 25311 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 25312 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 25313 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 25314 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 25315 % 25316 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 25317 -- Lenny Bruce 25318 % 25319 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 25320 % 25321 I'll burn my books. 25322 -- Christopher Marlowe 25323 % 25324 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 25325 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 25326 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 25327 % 25328 I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 25329 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 25330 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 25331 And in our bound partition never part. 25332 25333 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 25334 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 25335 A root or two, a torus and a node: 25336 The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 25337 25338 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25339 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25340 Bernoulli would have been content to die 25341 Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 25342 % 25343 I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 25344 I play just what I feel. 25345 Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 25346 And die behind the wheel. 25347 They got a name for the winners in the world, 25348 I want a name when I lose. 25349 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 25350 Call me Deacon Blues. 25351 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 25352 % 25353 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 25354 -- Pink Floyd 25355 % 25356 I'll never get off this planet. 25357 -- Luke Skywalker 25358 % 25359 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 25360 % 25361 I'll turn over a new leaf. 25362 -- Miguel de Cervantes 25363 % 25364 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 25365 any Indian. 25366 -- Robert Orben 25367 25368 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25369 -- Jack Paar 25370 % 25371 Illegitimi non carborundum 25372 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 25373 % 25374 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 25375 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 25376 % 25377 Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 25378 % 25379 Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 25380 -- Voltaire 25381 % 25382 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 25383 that I could have evolved from man. 25384 % 25385 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 25386 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 25387 the idea of a doomsday machine. 25388 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 25389 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 25390 Ellen up a steep incline. 25391 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 25392 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 25393 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 25394 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 25395 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. 25396 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 25397 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 25398 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 25399 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 25400 that Kirk talked strangely. 25401 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 25402 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 25403 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 25404 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 25405 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 25406 physical exam to answer the alert. 25407 % 25408 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 25409 a sports jacket and take off my brain. 25410 % 25411 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 25412 thank everyone for making this night necessary. 25413 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 25414 % 25415 I'm all for computer dating, but I 25416 wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 25417 % 25418 I'm always looking for a new idea that 25419 will be more productive than its cost. 25420 -- David Rockefeller 25421 % 25422 I'm an artist. 25423 But it's not what I really want to do. 25424 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 25425 I know what you're going to say -- 25426 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 25427 All right! But it's what I want to do. 25428 Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 25429 25430 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 25431 -- J. Feiffer 25432 % 25433 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 25434 that I could have been created by man. 25435 % 25436 "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 25437 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25438 % 25439 I'm dying beyond my means. 25440 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 25441 % 25442 "I'm dying," he croaked. 25443 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . 25444 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 25445 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 25446 "The fire is going out," he bellowed. 25447 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 25448 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 25449 "You snake," she rattled. 25450 "Someone's at the door," she chimed. 25451 "Company's coming," she guessed. 25452 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 25453 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 25454 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 25455 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 25456 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 25457 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 25458 % 25459 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 25460 -- George McGovern 25461 % 25462 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 25463 -- Gore Vidal 25464 % 25465 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've 25466 just had a good war. 25467 -- Mae West 25468 % 25469 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 25470 % 25471 I'm glad I was not born before tea. 25472 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 25473 % 25474 I'm glad that I'm an American, 25475 I'm glad that I am free, 25476 But I wish I were a little doggy, 25477 And McGovern were a tree. 25478 % 25479 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 25480 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 25481 it with you. 25482 25483 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 25484 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 25485 > And in LA it's 72. 25486 25487 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 25488 is a million percent. 25489 > And in LA it's 72. 25490 25491 > In New York there are a million interesting people. 25492 > And in LA there are 72. 25493 % 25494 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 25495 -- Fred Allen 25496 % 25497 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 25498 -- Woody Allen 25499 % 25500 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 25501 -- John Foreman 25502 % 25503 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 25504 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 25505 -- Bob Hope 25506 % 25507 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 25508 % 25509 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 25510 -- Harold Urey 25511 % 25512 I'm just as sad as sad can be! 25513 I've missed your special date. 25514 Please say that you're not mad at me 25515 My tax return is late. 25516 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 25517 % 25518 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 25519 living apart. 25520 -- E.E. Cummings 25521 % 25522 I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 25523 N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 25524 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 25525 She's traversed me seven times before. 25526 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 25527 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 25528 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 25529 N-ary the tree I am, I am, 25530 N-ary the tree I am. 25531 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 25532 % 25533 I'm not a lovable man. 25534 -- Richard Nixon. 25535 % 25536 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 25537 with twenty-eight years ago. 25538 -- Will Rogers 25539 % 25540 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 25541 -- Woody Allen 25542 % 25543 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 25544 match the men. 25545 -- George Eliot 25546 % 25547 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 25548 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 25549 % 25550 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 25551 % 25552 I'm not offering myself as an example; 25553 every life evolves by its own laws. 25554 % 25555 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 25556 % 25557 I'm not proud. 25558 % 25559 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 25560 % 25561 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 25562 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 25563 % 25564 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 25565 % 25566 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 25567 that good. 25568 -- Amy Gorin 25569 % 25570 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 25571 that some thinkle peep I am. 25572 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 25573 % 25574 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 25575 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 25576 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 25577 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 25578 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 25579 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 25580 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 25581 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 25582 -- Carl Sagan 25583 % 25584 I'm prepared for all emergencies but 25585 totally unprepared for everyday life. 25586 % 25587 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 25588 -- I could be just as proud for half the money. 25589 -- Arthur Godfrey 25590 % 25591 I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 25592 Let's not talk again REAL soon... 25593 % 25594 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 25595 % 25596 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 25597 % 25598 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 25599 % 25600 I'm sorry I missed. 25601 -- Squeaky Fromme 25602 % 25603 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 25604 % 25605 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 25606 % 25607 I'm successful because I'm lucky. 25608 The harder I work, the luckier I get. 25609 % 25610 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 25611 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 25612 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 25613 my arm." 25614 % 25615 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 25616 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 25617 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 25618 I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 25619 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 25620 % 25621 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 25622 like pigeons and Catholics. 25623 -- Woody Allen 25624 % 25625 Imagination is more important than knowledge. 25626 -- A. Einstein 25627 % 25628 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 25629 -- Jules de Gaultier 25630 % 25631 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual 25632 way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of 25633 complaining. 25634 -- Jef Raskin 25635 % 25636 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 25637 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a 25638 screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition 25639 for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first 25640 question that the computer community asks? 25641 25642 "Is it PC compatible?" 25643 % 25644 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 25645 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 25646 % 25647 Imagine what we can imagine! 25648 -- Arthur Rubinstein 25649 % 25650 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 25651 -- Genji 25652 % 25653 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 25654 In order for something to become clean, something else must 25655 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 25656 anything clean. 25657 % 25658 Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 25659 -- Fred Allen 25660 % 25661 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 25662 % 25663 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 25664 % 25665 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 25666 -- Lionel Trilling 25667 % 25668 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 25669 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 25670 % 25671 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25672 -- Jack Paar 25673 % 25674 Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 25675 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 25676 % 25677 Immutability, Three Rules of: 25678 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 25679 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 25680 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 25681 % 25682 IMPARTIAL: 25683 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 25684 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 25685 conflicting opinions. 25686 % 25687 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 25688 Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 25689 it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 25690 from where you left them to where you can't find them. 25691 % 25692 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 25693 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 25694 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 25695 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 25696 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 25697 25698 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 25699 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 25700 % 25701 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 25702 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 25703 more to its liking. 25704 25705 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 25706 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 25707 liking. 25708 % 25709 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 25710 % 25711 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 25712 an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 25713 % 25714 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 25715 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 25716 % 25717 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 25718 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 25719 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 25720 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 25721 % 25722 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 25723 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 25724 anyway. 25725 -- The 5th Wave 25726 % 25727 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 25728 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 25729 % 25730 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 25731 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 25732 % 25733 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 25734 other really likes. 25735 -- Elizabeth Ashley 25736 % 25737 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 25738 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 25739 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 25740 have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 25741 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 25742 % 25743 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 25744 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 25745 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 25746 minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 25747 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 25748 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 25749 this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 25750 % 25751 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 25752 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 25753 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 25754 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 25755 superior to Tops10. 25756 % 25757 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 25758 taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 25759 % 25760 In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the 25761 risk he takes. 25762 -- Adlai Stevenson 25763 % 25764 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 25765 % 25766 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 25767 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 25768 beloved. 25769 -- Russell Baker 25770 % 25771 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 25772 % 25773 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 25774 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 25775 -- Idi Amin Dada 25776 % 25777 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 25778 are to be treated as variables. 25779 % 25780 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 25781 the answer may be obtained by inspection. 25782 % 25783 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 25784 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 25785 -- Stuart Keate 25786 % 25787 IN BOX: 25788 A catch basin for everything you don't want 25789 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 25790 % 25791 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 25792 the cows are known sluts. 25793 -- Johnny Carson 25794 % 25795 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 25796 made the World Series just something that came later. 25797 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 25798 % 25799 In buying horses and taking a wife 25800 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 25801 % 25802 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 25803 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 25804 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 25805 said, "up to the mathematicians." 25806 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 25807 % 25808 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 25809 it into television shows. 25810 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 25811 % 25812 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 25813 % 25814 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 25815 against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. 25816 % 25817 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 25818 -- The Kidner Report 25819 % 25820 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 25821 % 25822 In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 25823 He'll kiss it and make it better. 25824 % 25825 In charity there is no excess. 25826 -- Francis Bacon 25827 % 25828 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 25829 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 25830 be free of subjugation. 25831 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 25832 % 25833 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 25834 % 25835 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 25836 This is called Monotony. 25837 % 25838 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 25839 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery 25840 % 25841 In dwelling, be close to the land. 25842 In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 25843 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 25844 In speech, be true. 25845 In work, be competent. 25846 In action, be careful of your timing. 25847 -- Lao Tsu 25848 % 25849 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 25850 programming languages. 25851 % 25852 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 25853 -- Thomas Jefferson 25854 % 25855 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 25856 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 25857 % 25858 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 25859 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 25860 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 25861 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 25862 -- Mary Poppins 25863 % 25864 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 25865 % 25866 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 25867 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 25868 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 25869 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 25870 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 25871 % 25872 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 25873 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 25874 % 25875 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 25876 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 25877 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 25878 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 25879 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 25880 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 25881 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 25882 % 25883 In God we trust; all else we walk through. 25884 % 25885 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 25886 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 25887 -- Plato 25888 % 25889 In her first passion woman loves her lover, 25890 In all the others all she loves is love. 25891 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 25892 % 25893 In high school in Brooklyn 25894 I was the baseball manager, 25895 proud as I could be 25896 I chased baseballs, 25897 gathered thrown bats 25898 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 25899 It was very important work but it was dark blue while 25900 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 25901 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 25902 When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 25903 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 25904 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 25905 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 25906 got these jackets, and among all those green ones 25907 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 25908 I still recall that jacket 25909 and the memory goes on hurting. 25910 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 25911 % 25912 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 25913 afterwards that causes the problems. 25914 -- Shelley Winters 25915 % 25916 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 25917 -- Rex Reed 25918 % 25919 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 25920 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 25921 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 25922 -- Mark Twain 25923 % 25924 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 25925 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 25926 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 25927 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 25928 The cuckoo-clock. 25929 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 25930 % 25931 In just seven days, I can make you a man! 25932 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 25933 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 25934 % 25935 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 25936 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 25937 -- James Slagle 25938 % 25939 In like a dimwit, out like a light. 25940 -- Pogo 25941 % 25942 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 25943 -- Bruton 25944 % 25945 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 25946 to take every advantage of the enemy. 25947 % 25948 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 25949 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 25950 have obtained from books of travel. 25951 -- Mark Twain 25952 % 25953 In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 25954 in matters of taste, swim with the current. 25955 -- Thomas Jefferson 25956 % 25957 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 25958 -- Josi Simon 25959 % 25960 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 25961 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 25962 % 25963 In most instances, all an argument 25964 proves is that two people are present. 25965 % 25966 In my end is my beginning. 25967 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 25968 % 25969 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 25970 your left leg, it's modern architecture. 25971 -- Nancy Banks Smith 25972 % 25973 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 25974 becoming pure energy. 25975 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 25976 % 25977 In Nature there are neither rewards nor 25978 punishments, there are consequences. 25979 -- R.G. Ingersoll 25980 % 25981 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 25982 a practice which is still continued. 25983 -- Helen Rowland 25984 % 25985 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 25986 % 25987 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 25988 you're what's left. 25989 % 25990 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 25991 % 25992 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 25993 It is not always an easy sacrifice. 25994 % 25995 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 25996 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 25997 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 25998 % 25999 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 26000 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 26001 from the cares of office. 26002 % 26003 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 26004 % 26005 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 26006 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 26007 -- John Diefenbaker 26008 % 26009 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 26010 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 26011 -- Paul Licker 26012 % 26013 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 26014 want the other person. 26015 -- Margaret Anderson 26016 % 26017 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 26018 -- Will Durst 26019 % 26020 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really 26021 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change 26022 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 26023 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 26024 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 26025 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 26026 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 26027 % 26028 In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. 26029 % 26030 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 26031 -- Ann Frank 26032 % 26033 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 26034 -- Alan Kay 26035 % 26036 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 26037 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 26038 % 26039 In the beginning was the word. 26040 But by the time the second word was added to it, 26041 There was trouble. 26042 For with it came syntax ... 26043 -- John Simon 26044 % 26045 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 26046 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 26047 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 26048 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 26049 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 26050 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 26051 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 26052 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 26053 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 26054 26055 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 26056 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 26057 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 26058 combination." 26059 26060 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 26061 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 26062 % 26063 In the days of old, 26064 When Knights were bold, 26065 And women were too cautious; 26066 Oh, those gallant days, 26067 When women were women, 26068 And men were really obnoxious. 26069 % 26070 In the dimestores and bus stations 26071 People talk of situations 26072 Read books repeat quotations 26073 Draw conclusions on the wall. 26074 -- Bob Dylan 26075 % 26076 In the early morning queue, 26077 With a listing in my hand. 26078 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 26079 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 26080 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 26081 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 26082 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 26083 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 26084 Hey, there it goes my friend, 26085 I've moved up one at last. 26086 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 26087 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 26088 % 26089 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 26090 into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 26091 moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 26092 message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 26093 its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 26094 sky at its back, returns home. 26095 26096 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 26097 The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 26098 The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 26099 that the bird has come and gone. 26100 % 26101 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 26102 -- Martin Mull 26103 % 26104 In the first place, God made idiots; 26105 this was for practice; then he made school boards. 26106 -- Mark Twain 26107 % 26108 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26109 the proper order then why can't he? 26110 % 26111 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 26112 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda 26113 S-O-D-A soda 26114 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 26115 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 26116 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26117 26118 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 26119 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 26120 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26121 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 26122 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 26123 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26124 -- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks 26125 % 26126 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 26127 -- Joseph Stalin 26128 % 26129 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 26130 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 26131 % 26132 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 26133 -- Lenny Bruce 26134 % 26135 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 26136 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 26137 -- Tolstoy 26138 % 26139 In the land of the dark the Ship of the 26140 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 26141 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 26142 % 26143 In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. 26144 -- Alan Perlis 26145 % 26146 In the long run we are all dead. 26147 -- John Maynard Keynes 26148 % 26149 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 26150 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 26151 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 26152 26153 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 26154 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 26155 % 26156 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 26157 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 26158 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 26159 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 26160 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 26161 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 26162 live?" 26163 % 26164 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 26165 displeasing to us. 26166 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 26167 % 26168 In the next world, you're on your own. 26169 % 26170 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 26171 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 26172 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 26173 camp. 26174 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 26175 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 26176 louder and louder. 26177 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 26178 the sound of those drums." 26179 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 26180 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 26181 % 26182 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 26183 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 26184 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 26185 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 26186 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 26187 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 26188 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26189 % 26190 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 26191 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 26192 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 26193 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 26194 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 26195 novel. 26196 % 26197 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 26198 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 26199 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 26200 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 26201 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 26202 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 26203 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 26204 -- Mark Twain 26205 % 26206 In the Spring, I have counted 136 26207 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 26208 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 26209 % 26210 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 26211 % 26212 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 26213 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 26214 -- Art Linkletter 26215 % 26216 In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 26217 % 26218 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 26219 In practice, there is. 26220 % 26221 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 26222 -- Pliny the Elder 26223 % 26224 In this vale 26225 Of toil and sin 26226 Your head grows bald 26227 But not your chin. 26228 -- Burma Shave 26229 % 26230 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 26231 -- Benjamin Franklin 26232 % 26233 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 26234 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 26235 -- H.L. Mencken 26236 % 26237 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 26238 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 26239 % 26240 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 26241 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 26242 -- Oscar Wilde 26243 % 26244 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 26245 % 26246 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 26247 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 26248 -- Dr. L.J. Peter 26249 % 26250 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 26251 A stately pleasure dome decree, 26252 Where /bin, the sacred river ran 26253 Through Test Suites measureless to Man 26254 Down to a sunless C. 26255 % 26256 In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 26257 -- Napoleon 26258 % 26259 In war, truth is the first casualty. 26260 -- U Thant 26261 % 26262 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 26263 % 26264 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 26265 -- Pliny 26266 % 26267 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 26268 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 26269 % 26270 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 26271 A stately pleasure dome decree: 26272 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 26273 Through caverns measureless to man 26274 Down to a sunless sea. 26275 So twice five miles of fertile ground 26276 With walls and towers were girdled round: 26277 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 26278 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 26279 And here were forest ancient as the hills, 26280 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 26281 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 26282 % 26283 In youth, it was a way I had 26284 To do my best to please, 26285 And change, with every passing lad, 26286 To suit his theories. 26287 26288 But now I know the things I know, 26289 And do the things I do; 26290 And if you do not like me so, 26291 To hell, my love, with you! 26292 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 26293 % 26294 INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 26295 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 26296 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 26297 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 26298 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 26299 keep it." 26300 % 26301 Include me out. 26302 % 26303 Increased knowledge will help you now. 26304 Have mate's phone bugged. 26305 % 26306 INCUMBENT: 26307 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 26308 % 26309 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 26310 % 26311 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 26312 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 26313 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 26314 -- M.D. Epstein 26315 % 26316 INDEX: 26317 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 26318 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 26319 % 26320 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 26321 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 26322 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 26323 -- Carolyn Jones 26324 % 26325 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 26326 % 26327 Individualists unite! 26328 % 26329 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 26330 advance; insufferable in victory. 26331 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 26332 % 26333 infancy, n: 26334 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 26335 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 26336 -- Ambrose Bierce 26337 % 26338 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the 26339 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 26340 -- Ambrose Bierce 26341 % 26342 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 26343 % 26344 Information Center: 26345 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to 26346 tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 26347 % 26348 Information is the inverse of entropy. 26349 % 26350 Information Processing: 26351 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 26352 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 26353 % 26354 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26355 26356 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 26357 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 26358 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 26359 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 26360 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 26361 26362 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 26363 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 26364 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 26365 26366 -- Colin Bowles 26367 % 26368 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26369 26370 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 26371 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 26372 dressed as a man. 26373 26374 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 26375 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 26376 or similar. 26377 26378 On a Bucharest elevator: 26379 26380 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 26381 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 26382 26383 -- Colin Bowles 26384 % 26385 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26386 26387 Various signs in Poland: 26388 26389 Right turn toward immediate outside. 26390 26391 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 26392 26393 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 26394 26395 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 26396 26397 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 26398 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 26399 on front of shirt. 26400 26401 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 26402 % 26403 ingrate, n: 26404 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 26405 and then complains of indigestion. 26406 % 26407 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 26408 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 26409 % 26410 ink, n: 26411 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 26412 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 26413 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 26414 -- H.L. Mencken 26415 % 26416 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 26417 likes oneself. 26418 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 26419 % 26420 INNOVATE: 26421 Annoy people. 26422 % 26423 Innovation is hard to schedule. 26424 -- Dan Fylstra 26425 % 26426 INNUENDO: 26427 Italian enema. 26428 % 26429 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 26430 token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 26431 -- Wilson Mizner 26432 % 26433 Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! 26434 % 26435 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 26436 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 26437 % 26438 INSECURITY: 26439 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 26440 favorite words. 26441 26442 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 26443 the person who told it to you. 26444 % 26445 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 26446 % 26447 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 26448 % 26449 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 26450 hunting accident?" 26451 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 26452 -- Woody Allen 26453 % 26454 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 26455 % 26456 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 26457 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 26458 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 26459 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 26460 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26461 % 26462 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 26463 -- Edgar W. Howe 26464 % 26465 Integrity has no need for rules. 26466 % 26467 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 26468 -- Henry Spencer 26469 % 26470 Intellect annuls Fate. 26471 So far as a man thinks, he is free. 26472 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26473 % 26474 Interchangeable parts won't. 26475 % 26476 INTEREST: 26477 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 26478 burned out employees must feign. 26479 % 26480 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 26481 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 26482 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 26483 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 26484 -- David Letterman 26485 % 26486 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 26487 best at, that's what I say. 26488 -- Doctor Who 26489 % 26490 INTERPRETER: 26491 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 26492 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 26493 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 26494 % 26495 Into love and out again, 26496 Thus I went and thus I go. 26497 Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 26498 Well and bitterly I know 26499 All the songs were ever sung, 26500 All the words were ever said; 26501 Could it be, when I was young, 26502 Someone dropped me on my head? 26503 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 26504 % 26505 INTOXICATED: 26506 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 26507 % 26508 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 26509 26510 INSTRUCTION SET 26511 Code Mnemonic What 26512 0 NOP No Operation 26513 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 26514 26515 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 26516 % 26517 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 26518 % 26519 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 26520 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 26521 -- Bernard Cooke 26522 % 26523 I/O, I/O, 26524 It's off to disk I go, 26525 A bit or byte to read or write, 26526 I/O, I/O, I/O... 26527 % 26528 26529 26530 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 26531 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 26532 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 26533 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 26534 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 26535 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 26536 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 26537 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 26538 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 26539 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 26540 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 26541 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 26542 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 26543 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 26544 26545 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 26546 26547 % 26548 IOT trap -- core dumped 26549 % 26550 IOT trap -- mos dumped 26551 % 26552 Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 26553 -- Crow T. Robot 26554 % 26555 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 26556 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 26557 little paper envelopes. 26558 % 26559 Iron Law of Distribution: 26560 Them that has, gets. 26561 % 26562 IRONY: 26563 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 26564 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 26565 % 26566 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 26567 % 26568 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 26569 % 26570 "Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 26571 Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 26572 -- Zippy the Pinhead 26573 % 26574 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 26575 % 26576 Is death legally binding? 26577 % 26578 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 26579 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 26580 a soap bubble? 26581 % 26582 Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 26583 -- Steven Wright 26584 % 26585 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 26586 % 26587 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 26588 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 26589 and such as are out wish to get in? 26590 -- Ralph Emerson 26591 % 26592 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 26593 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 26594 % 26595 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 26596 -- Mae West 26597 % 26598 Is that really YOU that is reading this? 26599 % 26600 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 26601 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 26602 "The dog did nothing in the night-time." 26603 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 26604 % 26605 Is there life before breakfast? 26606 % 26607 Is this really happening? 26608 % 26609 Isn't air travel wonderful? 26610 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 26611 % 26612 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 26613 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 26614 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 26615 % 26616 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 26617 listen to weather forecasts and economists? 26618 -- Kelvin Throop III 26619 % 26620 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 26621 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 26622 would make them better prospects? 26623 % 26624 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 26625 there? 26626 -- Herb Caen 26627 % 26628 Isn't it strange that the same people that 26629 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 26630 % 26631 ISO applications: 26632 A solution in search of a problem! 26633 % 26634 Issawi's Laws of Progress: 26635 The Course of Progress: 26636 Most things get steadily worse. 26637 The Path of Progress: 26638 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 26639 % 26640 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 26641 most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 26642 -- J. Sammet 26643 % 26644 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 26645 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 26646 It lies behind starts and under hills, 26647 And empty holes it fills. 26648 It comes first and follows after, 26649 Ends life, kills laughter. 26650 % 26651 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 26652 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 26653 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 26654 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 26655 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 26656 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 26657 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 26658 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 26659 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 26660 have wings by not being Walter's horse. 26661 26662 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 26663 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 26664 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 26665 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 26666 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 26667 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 26668 % 26669 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 26670 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26671 % 26672 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 26673 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 26674 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 26675 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 26676 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 26677 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 26678 carried me. 26679 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 26680 % 26681 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 26682 % 26683 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 26684 pick up something from the floor while you get up. 26685 % 26686 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 26687 done and what you're going to do. 26688 % 26689 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 26690 % 26691 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 26692 next morning it was someone else. 26693 -- Rogers 26694 % 26695 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 26696 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 26697 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 26698 than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 26699 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 26700 % 26701 It gets late early out there. 26702 -- Yogi Berra 26703 % 26704 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 26705 or both feet firmly planted in the air. 26706 % 26707 It hangs down from the chandelier 26708 Nobody knows quite what it does 26709 Its color is odd and its shape is weird 26710 It emits a high-sounding buzz 26711 26712 It grows a couple of feet each day 26713 and wriggles with sort of a twitch 26714 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 26715 a visiting uncle who's rich! 26716 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 26717 % 26718 It happened long ago 26719 In the new magic land 26720 The Indians and the buffalo 26721 Existed hand in hand 26722 The Indians needed food 26723 They need skins for a roof 26724 The only took what they needed 26725 And the buffalo ran loose 26726 But then came the white man 26727 With his thick and empty head 26728 He couldn't see past his billfold 26729 He wanted all the buffalo dead 26730 It was sad, oh so sad. 26731 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 26732 % 26733 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came 26734 out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. 26735 He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world 26736 will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe 26737 that it is a joke. 26738 % 26739 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 26740 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 26741 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 26742 -- H. Warner Munn 26743 % 26744 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it 26745 is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists 26746 have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 26747 -- Ambrose Bierce 26748 % 26749 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life 26750 I have been searching for evidence which could support this. 26751 -- Bertrand Russell 26752 % 26753 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 26754 and getting people under the influence. 26755 -- Jeremy Tunstall 26756 % 26757 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 26758 % 26759 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 26760 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 26761 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 26762 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 26763 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 26764 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 26765 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 26766 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 26767 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 26768 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 26769 competence will be quite enough. 26770 -- The Underground Grammarian 26771 % 26772 It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely 26773 the most important. 26774 -- Sherlock Holmes 26775 % 26776 It has long been an axiom of mine that the 26777 little things are infinitely the most important. 26778 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 26779 % 26780 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 26781 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 26782 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 26783 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 26784 % 26785 It has long been known that one horse can run faster 26786 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 26787 -- Lazarus Long 26788 % 26789 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 26790 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 26791 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 26792 of infanticide. 26793 -- Edmond About 26794 % 26795 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 26796 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 26797 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 26798 % 26799 It is a lesson which all history teaches 26800 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 26801 -- Emerson 26802 % 26803 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 26804 % 26805 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 26806 -- Aeschylus 26807 % 26808 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 26809 my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 26810 -- Tom Lehrer 26811 % 26812 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 26813 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 26814 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 26815 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 26816 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 26817 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 26818 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 26819 three more than the schedule allowed. 26820 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 26821 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 26822 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 26823 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 26824 their thumbs for ten months. 26825 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 26826 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 26827 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 26828 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 26829 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 26830 estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 26831 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 26832 % 26833 It is a wise father that knows his own child. 26834 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 26835 % 26836 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 26837 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 26838 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 26839 -- Alan Perlis 26840 % 26841 It is all right to hold a conversation, 26842 but you should let go of it now and then. 26843 -- Richard Armour 26844 % 26845 It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 26846 unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 26847 -- Jerome K. Jerome 26848 % 26849 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 26850 you are an exceptionally good liar. 26851 -- Jerome K. Jerome 26852 % 26853 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 26854 % 26855 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 26856 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 26857 % 26858 It is bad luck to be superstitious. 26859 -- Andrew W. Mathis 26860 % 26861 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 26862 -- K&R 26863 % 26864 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 26865 % 26866 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 26867 % 26868 It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 26869 % 26870 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 26871 % 26872 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 26873 % 26874 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 26875 % 26876 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 26877 % 26878 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 26879 % 26880 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 26881 % 26882 It is better to live rich than to die rich. 26883 -- Samuel Johnson 26884 % 26885 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 26886 % 26887 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 26888 % 26889 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 26890 and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 26891 % 26892 It is better to wear out than to rust out. 26893 % 26894 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 26895 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 26896 -- Mark Twain 26897 % 26898 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 26899 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 26900 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 26901 % 26902 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 26903 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 26904 -- Descartes 26905 % 26906 It is convenient that there be gods, and, 26907 as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 26908 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 26909 % 26910 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 26911 remember. 26912 -- Eugene McCarthy 26913 % 26914 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 26915 % 26916 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 26917 and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 26918 rabbits singing about toilet paper. 26919 -- R. Serling 26920 % 26921 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 26922 % 26923 It is easier for a camel to pass through the 26924 eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. 26925 -- Kehlog Albran 26926 % 26927 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 26928 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 26929 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 26930 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 26931 attention, the harder the task. 26932 -- Sydney J. Harris 26933 % 26934 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 26935 % 26936 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 26937 -- Alfred Adler 26938 % 26939 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 26940 -- George Santayana 26941 % 26942 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 26943 -- Leonardo da Vinci 26944 % 26945 It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 26946 % 26947 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 26948 % 26949 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 26950 -- Aeschylus 26951 % 26952 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 26953 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 26954 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 26955 % 26956 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 26957 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 26958 is there, but speed him when he wishes. 26959 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 26960 26961 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 26962 referring to scheduling.] 26963 % 26964 It is exactly because a man cannot do a 26965 thing that he is a proper judge of it. 26966 -- Oscar Wilde 26967 % 26968 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 26969 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 26970 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 26971 enough. 26972 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 26973 % 26974 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 26975 % 26976 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 26977 without your help. 26978 -- Miss Manners 26979 % 26980 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 26981 % 26982 It is fruitless: 26983 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 26984 26985 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 26986 innovative maneuvers. 26987 % 26988 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 26989 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 26990 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 26991 % 26992 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 26993 love does not lie in the ear. 26994 -- Walpole 26995 % 26996 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 26997 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 26998 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 26999 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 27000 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27001 % 27002 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 27003 % 27004 It is impossible to defend perfectly 27005 against the attack of those who want to die. 27006 % 27007 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 27008 unless one has plenty of work to do. 27009 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 27010 % 27011 It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 27012 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27013 % 27014 It is impossible to make anything 27015 foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 27016 % 27017 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 27018 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 27019 -- Woody Allen 27020 % 27021 IT IS IN PROCESS: 27022 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 27023 % 27024 It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 27025 but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 27026 -- Plutarch 27027 % 27028 It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 27029 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 27030 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 27031 % 27032 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 27033 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 27034 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 27035 like a happy married life. 27036 -- Oscar Wilde 27037 % 27038 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 27039 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27040 % 27041 It is much easier to suggest solutions 27042 when you know nothing about the problem. 27043 % 27044 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 27045 % 27046 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged 27047 to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the 27048 youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 27049 -- George Bernard Shaw 27050 % 27051 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 27052 -- Kingsley Amis 27053 % 27054 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 27055 % 27056 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 27057 that makes life blessed. 27058 -- Goethe 27059 % 27060 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 27061 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's 27062 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 27063 27064 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 27065 -- Gore Vidal 27066 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 27067 % 27068 It is not enough to have a good mind. 27069 The main thing is to use it well. 27070 -- Rene Descartes 27071 % 27072 It is not enough to have great qualities, 27073 we should also have the management of them. 27074 -- La Rochefoucauld 27075 % 27076 It is not every question that deserves an answer. 27077 -- Publilius Syrus 27078 % 27079 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 27080 inscrutable workings of Providence. 27081 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 27082 % 27083 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 27084 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 27085 -- Proverbs 19:2 27086 % 27087 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 27088 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 27089 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 27090 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a 27091 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the 27092 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 27093 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 27094 % 27095 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 27096 that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 27097 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 27098 % 27099 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 27100 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 27101 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 27102 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 27103 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 27104 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 27105 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 27106 or defeat. 27107 -- Teddy Roosevelt 27108 % 27109 It is not true that life is one damn thing after 27110 another -- it's one damn thing over and over. 27111 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 27112 % 27113 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 27114 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 27115 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 27116 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 27117 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 27118 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 27119 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 27120 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 27121 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 27122 % 27123 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 27124 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 27125 % 27126 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 27127 % 27128 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 27129 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 27130 chemistry. 27131 -- H.L. Mencken 27132 % 27133 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 27134 -- Grace Murray Hopper 27135 % 27136 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 27137 -- Cervantes 27138 % 27139 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 27140 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 27141 is the only thing that makes the result come true. 27142 -- William James 27143 % 27144 It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 27145 what is essential is invisible to the eye. 27146 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" 27147 % 27148 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 27149 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 27150 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 27151 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 27152 should be used in its proper place. 27153 -- Christopher Strachey 27154 % 27155 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 27156 -- Maimie Van Doren 27157 % 27158 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 27159 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 27160 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 27161 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 27162 % 27163 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 27164 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 27165 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 27166 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 27167 % 27168 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 27169 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 27170 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 27171 day like any other day, only shorter. 27172 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 27173 % 27174 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 27175 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 27176 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 27177 too, shall pass away." 27178 -- A. Lincoln 27179 % 27180 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 27181 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 27182 high as the eagle? 27183 % 27184 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 27185 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 27186 % 27187 It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the 27188 devil when he is the only explanation of it. 27189 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 27190 % 27191 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 27192 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27193 % 27194 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 27195 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 27196 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 27197 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 27198 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 27199 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 27200 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 27201 % 27202 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 27203 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27204 % 27205 It is the business of little minds to shrink. 27206 -- Carl Sandburg 27207 % 27208 It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 27209 -- Hawkwind 27210 % 27211 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 27212 set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 27213 -- Francis Bacon 27214 % 27215 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 27216 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 27217 % 27218 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 27219 -- Francis Bacon 27220 % 27221 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 27222 % 27223 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 27224 lives, works and has his being. 27225 -- Thomas Carlyle 27226 % 27227 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 27228 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 27229 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 27230 % 27231 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 27232 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 27233 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 27234 % 27235 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 27236 It produces a false impression. 27237 -- Oscar Wilde. 27238 % 27239 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 27240 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27241 % 27242 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 27243 -- Roger Babson 27244 % 27245 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 27246 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27247 % 27248 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 27249 % 27250 It isn't easy being green. 27251 -- Kermit the Frog 27252 % 27253 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 27254 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 27255 computers. 27256 % 27257 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 27258 unhappy. 27259 -- Groucho Marx 27260 % 27261 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 27262 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 27263 % 27264 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 27265 to Grandmother's condo. 27266 % 27267 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 27268 probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 27269 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" 27270 % 27271 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 27272 % 27273 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 27274 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 27275 -- Princess Leia Organa 27276 % 27277 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 27278 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 27279 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 27280 27281 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 27282 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 27283 % 27284 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 27285 to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 27286 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 27287 % 27288 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 27289 or lose. 27290 -- Darrin Weinberg 27291 % 27292 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 27293 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 27294 -- Lazarus Long 27295 % 27296 It may be that your whole purpose in life 27297 is simply to serve as a warning to others. 27298 % 27299 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 27300 % 27301 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 27302 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 27303 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 27304 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 27305 in those who would gain by the new ones. 27306 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 27307 % 27308 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 27309 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 27310 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 27311 -- Arthur Binstead 27312 % 27313 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 27314 % 27315 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 27316 % 27317 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 27318 one's life and then come round. 27319 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 27320 % 27321 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 27322 % 27323 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 27324 they'll come out for it. 27325 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 27326 Harry Cohn 27327 % 27328 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 27329 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 27330 more. 27331 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 27332 % 27333 It seems a little silly now, but this country 27334 was founded as a protest against taxation. 27335 % 27336 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 27337 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 27338 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 27339 artificial lubrication or foreplay. 27340 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 27341 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 27342 % 27343 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 27344 -- Chris Torek 27345 % 27346 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 27347 language named "research student". 27348 % 27349 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 27350 % 27351 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 27352 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 27353 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 27354 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 27355 average wife is like that. 27356 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 27357 % 27358 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 27359 % 27360 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 27361 % 27362 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 27363 -- Crazy Charlie 27364 % 27365 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 27366 % 27367 It takes less time to do a thing right 27368 than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 27369 -- H.W. Longfellow 27370 % 27371 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 27372 % 27373 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 27374 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 27375 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 27376 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 27377 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 27378 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 27379 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 27380 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 27381 % 27382 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 27383 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 27384 -- Robert Benchley 27385 % 27386 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 27387 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 27388 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 27389 sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 27390 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 27391 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 27392 % 27393 It used to be the fun was in 27394 The capture and kill. 27395 In another place and time 27396 I did it all for thrills. 27397 -- Lust to Love 27398 % 27399 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 27400 -- Mark Twain 27401 % 27402 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 27403 % 27404 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 27405 % 27406 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 27407 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 27408 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 27409 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 27410 % 27411 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 27412 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 27413 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 27414 % 27415 It was all so different before everything changed. 27416 % 27417 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 27418 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 27419 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 27420 % 27421 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 27422 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 27423 --- James Dent 27424 % 27425 It was one time too many 27426 One word too few 27427 It was all too much for me and you 27428 There was one way to go 27429 Nothing more we could do 27430 One time too many 27431 One word too few 27432 -- Meredith Tanner 27433 % 27434 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 27435 % 27436 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 27437 thought Frito. 27438 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 27439 % 27440 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 27441 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 27442 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 27443 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 27444 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 27445 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 27446 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 27447 man a lifetime. 27448 -- Thomas Aldrich 27449 % 27450 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 27451 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 27452 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 27453 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 27454 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 27455 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 27456 man appeared out of an upstairs window. 27457 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 27458 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 27459 would let me stay here for the night." 27460 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 27461 okay with me." 27462 % 27463 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 27464 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 27465 -- Hunter S. Thompson 27466 % 27467 It was wonderful to find America, but it 27468 would have been more wonderful to miss it. 27469 -- Mark Twain 27470 % 27471 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 27472 -- Tim Conway 27473 % 27474 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 27475 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 27476 % 27477 It would be nice to be sure of anything 27478 the way some people are of everything. 27479 % 27480 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 27481 % 27482 italic, adj: 27483 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 27484 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 27485 are often slanted to the left. 27486 % 27487 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 27488 % 27489 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 27490 -- Luke Skywalker 27491 % 27492 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 27493 -- Danny Vermin 27494 % 27495 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 27496 and party! 27497 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 27498 % 27499 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 27500 -- Andrew Jackson 27501 % 27502 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 27503 -- Cheers 27504 % 27505 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 27506 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 27507 % 27508 It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 27509 % 27510 It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression 27511 when you lose yours. 27512 -- Harry S. Truman 27513 % 27514 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 27515 -- Steven Wright 27516 % 27517 It's all in the mind, ya know. 27518 % 27519 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 27520 -- Mick Jagger 27521 % 27522 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 27523 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 27524 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 27525 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 27526 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 27527 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 27528 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and 27529 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 27530 have thought it up, I wonder?" 27531 -- James Purdy 27532 % 27533 It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 27534 -- Alex Clark 27535 % 27536 It's amazing how many people you could be friends 27537 with if only they'd make the first approach. 27538 % 27539 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 27540 % 27541 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 27542 % 27543 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 27544 -- Michael Arlen 27545 % 27546 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 27547 but why do the rats always have to win? 27548 % 27549 It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 27550 -- Tom Stoppard 27551 % 27552 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 27553 -- Marty Winch 27554 % 27555 It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 27556 % 27557 It's better to burn out than to fade away. 27558 % 27559 It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27560 % 27561 It's business doing pleasure with you. 27562 % 27563 It's clever, but is it art? 27564 % 27565 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 27566 % 27567 "It's easier said than done." 27568 27569 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 27570 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 27571 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 27572 done". 27573 % 27574 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 27575 -- Don Price 27576 % 27577 It's easier to get forgiveness for being 27578 wrong than forgiveness for being right. 27579 % 27580 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 27581 -- Washlesky 27582 % 27583 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 27584 it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 27585 % 27586 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 27587 % 27588 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 27589 -- Macy's 27590 % 27591 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 27592 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 27593 the ignorance of the community. 27594 -- Oscar Wilde 27595 % 27596 It's faster horses, 27597 Younger women, 27598 Older whiskey and 27599 More money. 27600 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 27601 % 27602 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 27603 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 27604 % 27605 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 27606 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 27607 kill somebody. 27608 -- Dorothy Sayers 27609 % 27610 It's gonna be alright, 27611 It's almost midnight, 27612 And I've got two more bottles of wine. 27613 % 27614 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 27615 even if most of them are bad. 27616 % 27617 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 27618 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 27619 % 27620 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 27621 % 27622 It's hard to drive at the limit, but 27623 it's harder to know where the limits are. 27624 -- Stirling Moss 27625 % 27626 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 27627 -- Groucho Marx 27628 % 27629 It's hard to keep your shirt on when 27630 you're getting something off your chest. 27631 % 27632 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 27633 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 27634 % 27635 It's hard to think of you as the end 27636 result of millions of years of evolution. 27637 % 27638 It's important that people know what you stand for. 27639 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 27640 % 27641 It's interesting to think that many quite 27642 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 27643 % 27644 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 27645 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 27646 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 27647 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 27648 % 27649 It's just apartment house rules, 27650 So all you 'partment house fools 27651 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27652 One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27653 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 27654 % 27655 It's later than you think. 27656 % 27657 It's later than you think, the joint 27658 Russian-American space mission has already begun. 27659 % 27660 It's like deja vu all over again. 27661 -- Yogi Berra 27662 % 27663 It's Like This 27664 27665 Even the samurai 27666 have teddy bears, 27667 and even the teddy bears 27668 get drunk. 27669 % 27670 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 27671 you're going in the wrong direction. 27672 % 27673 It's multiple choice time... 27674 27675 What is FORTRAN? 27676 27677 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 27678 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 27679 c: Ridiculous. 27680 % 27681 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 27682 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 27683 -- Mark Twain 27684 % 27685 It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 27686 % 27687 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 27688 a sickness you like. 27689 -- Jackie Mason 27690 % 27691 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 27692 % 27693 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 27694 -- Tom Lehrer 27695 % 27696 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 27697 -- Phil White 27698 % 27699 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 27700 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 27701 % 27702 It's not easy being green. 27703 -- Kermit 27704 % 27705 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 27706 -- Alexander Korda 27707 % 27708 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 27709 -- J.K. Galbraith 27710 % 27711 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 27712 % 27713 It's not that I'm afraid to die. 27714 I just don't want to be there when it happens. 27715 -- Woody Allen 27716 % 27717 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 27718 % 27719 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 27720 -- Mae West 27721 % 27722 It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 27723 % 27724 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 27725 -- Grantland Rice 27726 % 27727 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 27728 % 27729 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 27730 % 27731 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 27732 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 27733 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 27734 -- Sydney J. Harris 27735 % 27736 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 27737 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 27738 -- Roger Noe 27739 % 27740 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 27741 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 27742 elected governor of California. 27743 27744 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 27745 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 27746 % 27747 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 27748 as a warning to others. 27749 % 27750 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 27751 poverty and wealth have both failed. 27752 -- Kim Hubbard 27753 % 27754 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 27755 % 27756 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 27757 society will take full responsibility for you. 27758 % 27759 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 27760 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 27761 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 27762 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 27763 results to humans. 27764 27765 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 27766 % 27767 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 27768 have been all over it. 27769 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 27770 % 27771 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 27772 just to see if it's real, 27773 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 27774 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 27775 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 27776 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 27777 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 27778 % 27779 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 27780 Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 27781 % 27782 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 27783 % 27784 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 27785 % 27786 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 27787 -- Tallulah Bankhead 27788 % 27789 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 27790 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 27791 -- Franklin P. Jones 27792 % 27793 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 27794 boy gets another beer. 27795 -- Cheers 27796 % 27797 "It's today!" said Piglet. 27798 "My favorite day," said Pooh. 27799 % 27800 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 27801 madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 27802 % 27803 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 27804 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 27805 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. 27806 % 27807 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 27808 know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 27809 % 27810 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 27811 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 27812 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 27813 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 27814 inevitably unsuccessful. 27815 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 27816 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 27817 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 27818 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 27819 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 27820 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 27821 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 27822 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 27823 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 27824 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 27825 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 27826 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 27827 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 27828 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 27829 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 27830 % 27831 I've already told you more than I know. 27832 % 27833 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 27834 % 27835 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 27836 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 27837 % 27838 I've always made it a solemn practice to never 27839 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 27840 -- R. Nesson 27841 % 27842 I've been in more laps than a napkin. 27843 -- Mae West 27844 % 27845 I've Been Moved! 27846 % 27847 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 27848 -- Totie Fields 27849 % 27850 I've been on this lonely road so long, 27851 Does anybody know where it goes, 27852 I remember last time the signs pointed home, 27853 A month ago. 27854 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 27855 % 27856 I've been there. 27857 % 27858 I've built a better model than the one at Data General 27859 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 27860 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 27861 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 27862 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 27863 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 27864 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 27865 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 27866 27867 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 27868 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 27869 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 27870 I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 27871 27872 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of 27873 "Modern Major General") 27874 % 27875 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 27876 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 27877 -- Dennie van Tassel 27878 % 27879 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 27880 % 27881 I've got a very bad feeling about this. 27882 -- Han Solo 27883 % 27884 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 27885 -- Henny Youngman 27886 % 27887 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 27888 -- Stephen Wright 27889 % 27890 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 27891 -- Groucho Marx 27892 % 27893 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. 27894 I'd like to watch him have another. 27895 % 27896 I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 27897 -- Joel Halpern. 27898 % 27899 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 27900 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 27901 27902 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 27903 % 27904 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 27905 -- George Gobel 27906 % 27907 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 27908 -- Calvin Coolidge 27909 % 27910 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 27911 -- Keith Richards 27912 27913 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 27914 bad taste. 27915 -- Keith Richards 27916 % 27917 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 27918 -- W.C. Fields 27919 % 27920 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 27921 % 27922 I've only got 12 cards. 27923 % 27924 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 27925 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 27926 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 27927 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 27928 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 27929 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 27930 % 27931 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 27932 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 27933 -- Tallulah Bankhead 27934 % 27935 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 27936 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 27937 legislature is in session. 27938 % 27939 jake hates 27940 all the girls(the 27941 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 27942 ones; the meek the girls(the 27943 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 27944 all except the cold ones; the slim 27945 ones plump tiny tall) 27946 all except the 27947 dull ones 27948 gus loves all the 27949 girls(the 27950 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 27951 ones; the mad (the 27952 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 27953 all except ones; the mean 27954 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 27955 all 27956 except the green ones 27957 -- e e cummings 27958 % 27959 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 27960 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 27961 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 27962 % 27963 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 27964 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 27965 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 27966 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 27967 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 27968 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 27969 television?" and "Good night". 27970 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 27971 Letters, 1967 27972 % 27973 Japan, n: 27974 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 27975 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 27976 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 27977 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 27978 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 27979 % 27980 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 27981 % 27982 Jenkinson's Law: 27983 It won't work. 27984 % 27985 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 27986 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 27987 % 27988 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 27989 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 27990 % 27991 Jim Nasium's Law: 27992 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 27993 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 27994 each other so that everybody is cramped. 27995 % 27996 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 27997 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 27998 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 27999 % 28000 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 28001 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 28002 to you. You gonna pay it? 28003 % 28004 JOB INTERVIEW: 28005 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 28006 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 28007 % 28008 job Placement, n: 28009 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 28010 % 28011 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 28012 -- Snoopy 28013 % 28014 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 28015 Her voice was little more than a whisper. 28016 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 28017 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 28018 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 28019 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 28020 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 28021 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 28022 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 28023 % 28024 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 28025 % 28026 jogger, n: 28027 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 28028 % 28029 John Dame May Oscar 28030 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 28031 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 28032 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 28033 -- Willard Espy 28034 % 28035 John Birch Society: 28036 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 28037 -- Edward P. Morgan 28038 % 28039 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 28040 28041 (George and Ringo miffed.) 28042 % 28043 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 28044 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 28045 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 28046 Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 28047 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 28048 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 28049 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 28050 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 28051 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 28052 % 28053 Johnny Carson's Definition: 28054 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 28055 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 28056 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 28057 % 28058 Johnson's First Law: 28059 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 28060 most inconvenient possible time. 28061 % 28062 Johnson's law: 28063 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 28064 % 28065 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 28066 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 28067 % 28068 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 28069 exciting people, and kill them. 28070 % 28071 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 28072 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 28073 % 28074 Jones' First Law: 28075 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 28076 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 28077 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 28078 importance of their original contribution. 28079 % 28080 Jones' Second Law: 28081 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 28082 to blame it on. 28083 % 28084 Joshu: What is the true Way? 28085 Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 28086 J: Can I study it? 28087 N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 28088 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 28089 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 28090 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 28091 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 28092 yourself as wide as the sky. 28093 % 28094 Journalism is literature in a hurry. 28095 -- Matthew Arnold 28096 % 28097 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 28098 % 28099 Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 28100 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 28101 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 28102 % 28103 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 28104 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 28105 someone else's cash. 28106 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 28107 % 28108 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 28109 Pick one. 28110 28111 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 28112 2: It's cheaper than going to France. 28113 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 28114 4: Life is short. 28115 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 28116 6: It matches my eyes. 28117 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 28118 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 28119 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 28120 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 28121 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 28122 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 28123 % 28124 Just a song before I go, Going through security 28125 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 28126 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 28127 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 28128 When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 28129 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 28130 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 28131 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 28132 She helped me with my suitcase, 28133 She stands before my eyes, 28134 Driving me to the airport 28135 And to the friendly skies. 28136 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 28137 % 28138 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 28139 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 28140 women. 28141 -- G.B. Shaw 28142 % 28143 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 28144 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 28145 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 28146 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 28147 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 28148 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 28149 sense of respect for the whole truth. 28150 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 28151 % 28152 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 28153 -- Irene Peter 28154 % 28155 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 28156 % 28157 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 28158 going to get hit. 28159 -- Joey 28160 % 28161 Just because the message may never be 28162 received does not mean it is not worth sending. 28163 % 28164 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they 28165 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 28166 what I mean. 28167 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. 28168 % 28169 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 28170 -- Bob Dylan 28171 % 28172 Just because your doctor has a name for your 28173 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 28174 % 28175 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 28176 % 28177 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 28178 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 28179 -- Glynda 28180 % 28181 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 28182 % 28183 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 28184 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 28185 about his or her love affairs. 28186 -- Rebecca West 28187 % 28188 Just machines to make big decisions, 28189 Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 28190 We'll be clean when their work is done, 28191 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 28192 What a beautiful world this will be, 28193 What a glorious time to be free. 28194 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 28195 % 28196 Just once, I wish we would encounter 28197 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 28198 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 28199 % 28200 Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 28201 -- Buckeroo Banzai 28202 % 28203 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 28204 As he landed his crew with care; 28205 Supporting each man on the top of the tide 28206 By a finger entwined in his hair. 28207 28208 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 28209 That alone should encourage the crew. 28210 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 28211 What I tell you three times is true.' 28212 % 28213 Just to have it is enough. 28214 % 28215 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 28216 of all the others, and then do what's best. 28217 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 28218 % 28219 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 28220 % 28221 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 28222 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 28223 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 28224 Just can't remember who to send it to... 28225 28226 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 28227 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 28228 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 28229 But I always thought that I'd see you again. 28230 Thought I'd see you one more time again. 28231 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 28232 % 28233 JUSTICE: 28234 A decision in your favor. 28235 % 28236 Justice is incidental to law and order. 28237 -- J. Edgar Hoover 28238 % 28239 Justice, n: 28240 A decision in your favor. 28241 % 28242 Kafka's Law: 28243 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 28244 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 28245 % 28246 Kamikazes do it once. 28247 % 28248 KANSAS: 28249 Where the men are men and so are the women! 28250 % 28251 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 28252 28253 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 28254 package of snack food. 28255 28256 Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 28257 28258 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 28259 of lunch meat. 28260 % 28261 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 28262 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 28263 at the conception. 28264 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 28265 % 28266 Katz' Law: 28267 Men and nations will act rationally when 28268 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 28269 28270 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 28271 exhausted all other alternatives. 28272 -- Abba Eban 28273 % 28274 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 28275 Population density is inversely proportional 28276 to the square of the distance from the keg. 28277 % 28278 Kaufman's Law: 28279 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 28280 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 28281 % 28282 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 28283 -- Mae West 28284 % 28285 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 28286 % 28287 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 28288 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 28289 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 28290 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 28291 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 28292 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 28293 % 28294 Keep cool, but don't freeze. 28295 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 28296 % 28297 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 28298 % 28299 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 28300 % 28301 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 28302 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 28303 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 28304 force is technically termed "car suck"). 28305 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 28306 than "Watch this!" 28307 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 28308 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 28309 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 28310 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 28311 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 28312 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 28313 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 28314 in the head and knock you silly. 28315 % 28316 Keep it short for pithy sake. 28317 % 28318 Keep on keepin' on. 28319 % 28320 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 28321 small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 28322 -- Joe Bonanno 28323 % 28324 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 28325 -- D. Gries 28326 % 28327 Keep the phase, baby. 28328 % 28329 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 28330 % 28331 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 28332 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 28333 at the end of six months. 28334 -- Moore 28335 % 28336 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 28337 % 28338 Keep your Eye on the Ball, 28339 Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 28340 Your Nose to the Grindstone, 28341 Your Feet on the Ground, 28342 Your Head on your Shoulders. 28343 Now... try to get something DONE! 28344 % 28345 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 28346 -- Benjamin Franklin 28347 % 28348 Keep your laws off my body! 28349 % 28350 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 28351 Open it and you remove all doubt. 28352 % 28353 Kennedy's Market Theorem: 28354 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 28355 you've got to go broke. 28356 % 28357 Kent's Heuristic: 28358 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 28359 % 28360 kern, v: 28361 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 28362 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 28363 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 28364 % 28365 KERNEL: 28366 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 28367 traditions of sorcery and black art. 28368 % 28369 Kettering's Observation: 28370 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 28371 % 28372 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 28373 % 28374 Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 28375 back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 28376 you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 28377 around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 28378 dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 28379 and slam the leaves. 28380 -- Dave Barry 28381 % 28382 Kill a commy for your mommy. 28383 % 28384 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 28385 % 28386 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 28387 -- Hindu saying 28388 % 28389 Kill Kill, 28390 Hate Hate, 28391 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 28392 % 28393 Kill your parents. 28394 -- Jerry Rubin 28395 % 28396 Killing turkeys causes winter. 28397 % 28398 Kilroe hic erat! 28399 % 28400 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 28401 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 28402 % 28403 KIN: 28404 An affliction of the blood. 28405 % 28406 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 28407 -- Mark Twain 28408 % 28409 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 28410 -- Muad'dib 28411 % 28412 Kington's Law of Perforation: 28413 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 28414 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 28415 part of the paper. 28416 % 28417 Kinkler's First Law: 28418 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 28419 28420 Kinkler's Second Law: 28421 All the easy problems have been solved. 28422 % 28423 Kirk to Enterprise... 28424 % 28425 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 28426 % 28427 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 28428 % 28429 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 28430 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 28431 % 28432 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 28433 % 28434 Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 28435 % 28436 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 28437 % 28438 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 28439 % 28440 Kissing don't last, cookery do. 28441 -- George Meredith 28442 % 28443 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 28444 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 28445 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 28446 % 28447 Kitchen activity is highlighted. 28448 Butter up a friend. 28449 % 28450 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 28451 -- Winston Churchill 28452 % 28453 Klatu barada nikto. 28454 % 28455 Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 28456 % 28457 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 28458 % 28459 KLEPTOMANIAC: 28460 A rich thief. 28461 % 28462 Kliban's First Law of Dining: 28463 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 28464 % 28465 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 28466 100% Damage to life support!!!! 28467 % 28468 Kludge, n: 28469 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 28470 distressing whole. 28471 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 28472 % 28473 Knebel's Law: 28474 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 28475 causes of statistics. 28476 % 28477 Knights are hardly worth it. 28478 I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 28479 % 28480 Knock, knock! 28481 Who's there? 28482 Sam and Janet. 28483 Sam and Janet who? 28484 Sam and Janet Evening... 28485 % 28486 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 28487 [chorus] 28488 Yeay! 28489 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 28490 Stay on the Happy side of life! 28491 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 28492 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 28493 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 28494 28495 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 28496 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 28497 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 28498 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 28499 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 28500 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 28501 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 28502 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 28503 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 28504 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 28505 % 28506 Knocked, you weren't in. 28507 -- Opportunity 28508 % 28509 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 28510 28511 -- No? 28512 28513 GOOD! 28514 % 28515 Know Thy User. 28516 % 28517 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 28518 % 28519 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 28520 -- Henry N. Camp 28521 % 28522 KNOWLEDGE: 28523 Things you believe. 28524 % 28525 Knowledge is power. 28526 -- Francis Bacon 28527 % 28528 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 28529 -- Aleister Crowley 28530 % 28531 Knowledge without common sense is folly. 28532 % 28533 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 28534 Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 28535 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 28536 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 28537 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 28538 % 28539 Kramer's Law: 28540 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 28541 % 28542 Kramer's Law: 28543 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 28544 % 28545 KROGT: 28546 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found 28547 on fast-food game cards. 28548 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28549 % 28550 LA: 28551 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 28552 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 28553 From mud slides to brush fires. 28554 % 28555 Labor, n: 28556 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. 28557 -- Ambrose Bierce 28558 % 28559 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 28560 % 28561 Lack of money is the root of all evil. 28562 -- George Bernard Shaw 28563 % 28564 Lackland's Laws: 28565 1. Never be first. 28566 2. Never be last. 28567 3. Never volunteer for anything. 28568 % 28569 LACTOMANGULATION: 28570 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that 28571 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 28572 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28573 % 28574 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 28575 % 28576 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 28577 Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants, 28578 I come before you to stand behind you 28579 To tell you of something I know nothing about. 28580 Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 28581 There will be a convention held in the 28582 Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 28583 Admission is free, pay at the door, 28584 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 28585 It was a summer's day in winter, 28586 And the snow was raining fast, 28587 As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 28588 Stood sitting in the grass. 28589 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 28590 Two dead men got up to fight. 28591 Three blind men to see fair play, 28592 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 28593 Back to back, they faced each other, 28594 Drew their swords and shot each other. 28595 A deaf policeman heard the noise, 28596 Came and arrested those two dead boys. 28597 % 28598 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 28599 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 28600 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 28601 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 28602 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 28603 her. 28604 -- Billie Jean King 28605 % 28606 Lady, lady, should you meet 28607 One whose ways are all discreet, 28608 One who murmurs that his wife 28609 Is the lodestar of his life, 28610 One who keeps assuring you 28611 That he never was untrue, 28612 Never loved another one... 28613 Lady, lady, better run! 28614 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 28615 % 28616 Lady Luck brings added income today. 28617 Lady friend takes it away tonight. 28618 % 28619 Lady Nancy Astor: 28620 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 28621 Winston Churchill: 28622 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 28623 28624 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 28625 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 28626 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 28627 28628 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 28629 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 28630 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 28631 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 28632 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 28633 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 28634 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 28635 you would pin this on your white meat." 28636 % 28637 Ladybug, ladybug, 28638 Look to your stern! 28639 Your house is on fire, 28640 Your children will burn! 28641 So jump ye and sing, for 28642 The very first time 28643 The four lines above 28644 Have been put into rhyme. 28645 -- Walt Kelly 28646 % 28647 Laetrile is the pits. 28648 % 28649 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 28650 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 28651 % 28652 Lake Erie died for your sins. 28653 % 28654 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 28655 % 28656 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 28657 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 28658 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 28659 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 28660 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 28661 candy, and said: 28662 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 28663 % 28664 Language is a virus from another planet. 28665 -- William Burroughs 28666 % 28667 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 28668 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 28669 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 28670 20,000 women. 28671 -- Lank and Earl 28672 % 28673 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 28674 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 28675 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 28676 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 28677 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 28678 % 28679 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 28680 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 28681 -- Lord Kalvin 28682 % 28683 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 28684 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 28685 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 28686 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 28687 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 28688 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 28689 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 28690 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 28691 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 28692 % 28693 Larkinson's Law: 28694 All laws are basically false. 28695 % 28696 LASER: 28697 Failed death ray. 28698 % 28699 Last guys don't finish nice. 28700 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 28701 % 28702 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 28703 the pillow was gone. 28704 -- Tommy Cooper 28705 % 28706 Last night I met upon the stair 28707 A little man who wasn't there. 28708 He wasn't there again today. 28709 Gee how I wish he'd go away! 28710 % 28711 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 28712 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 28713 -- Stephen Wright 28714 % 28715 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 28716 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 28717 % 28718 Last week's pet, this week's special. 28719 % 28720 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 28721 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 28722 I don't remember what it was. 28723 -- Stephen Wright 28724 % 28725 Latin is a language, 28726 As dead as can be. 28727 First it killed the Romans, 28728 And now it's killing me. 28729 % 28730 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 28731 % 28732 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 28733 % 28734 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28735 % 28736 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 28737 % 28738 Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 28739 % 28740 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 28741 % 28742 Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 28743 -- Victor Borge 28744 % 28745 Laura's Law: 28746 No child throws up in the bathroom. 28747 % 28748 Lavish spending can be disastrous. 28749 Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 28750 % 28751 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 28752 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 28753 -- Richard M. Nixon 28754 % 28755 Law of Communications: 28756 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 28757 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 28758 area of misunderstanding. 28759 % 28760 Law of Continuity: 28761 Experiments should be reproducible. 28762 They should all fail the same way. 28763 % 28764 Law of Probable Dispersal: 28765 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 28766 % 28767 Law of Procrastination: 28768 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 28769 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 28770 % 28771 Law of Selective Gravity: 28772 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 28773 28774 Jenning's Corollary: 28775 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side 28776 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 28777 28778 Law of the Perversity of Nature: 28779 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 28780 % 28781 Law of the Jungle: 28782 He who hesitates is lunch. 28783 % 28784 Law of the Yukon: 28785 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 28786 % 28787 Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 28788 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 28789 % 28790 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 28791 % 28792 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 28793 % 28794 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 28795 -- Otto von Bismarck 28796 % 28797 Laws of Computer Programming: 28798 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 28799 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 28800 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 28801 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 28802 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 28803 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 28804 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 28805 the programmer who must maintain it. 28806 % 28807 LAWSUIT: 28808 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 28809 -- Ambrose Bierce 28810 % 28811 Lawyer's Rule: 28812 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 28813 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 28814 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 28815 % 28816 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 28817 -- S.J. Perelman 28818 % 28819 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 28820 -- Shakespeare 28821 % 28822 Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 28823 The reason, you will see, no doubt, 28824 Is to keep the lightning out. 28825 But what these unobservant birds 28826 Have failed to notice is that herds 28827 Of bears may come with buns 28828 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 28829 % 28830 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 28831 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 28832 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 28833 % 28834 LAZY: 28835 Marrying a pregnant woman. 28836 % 28837 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 28838 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 28839 smaller -- and there are many more of them. 28840 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 28841 % 28842 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 28843 % 28844 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 28845 % 28846 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 28847 % 28848 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 28849 % 28850 LEARNING CURVE: 28851 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 28852 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 28853 quicker you can do it. 28854 % 28855 Learning without thought is labor lost; 28856 thought without learning is perilous. 28857 -- Confucius 28858 % 28859 Leave no stone unturned. 28860 -- Euripides 28861 % 28862 Lee's Law: 28863 Mother said there would be days like this, 28864 but she never said that there'd be so many! 28865 % 28866 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 28867 % 28868 Leibowitz's Rule: 28869 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 28870 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 28871 % 28872 Lemma: All horses are the same color. 28873 Proof (by induction): 28874 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 28875 horses in that set are the same color. 28876 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 28877 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 28878 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 28879 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 28880 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 28881 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 28882 horses are the same color. 28883 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 28884 Proof (by intimidation): 28885 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 28886 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 28887 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 28888 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 28889 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 28890 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 28891 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 28892 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 28893 % 28894 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 28895 % 28896 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 28897 % 28898 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 28899 % 28900 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 28901 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 28902 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 28903 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 28904 % 28905 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 28906 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 28907 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 28908 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 28909 % 28910 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 28911 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 28912 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 28913 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 28914 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 28915 % 28916 Lesbian QOTD: 28917 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 28918 % 28919 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 28920 -- Publilius Syrus 28921 % 28922 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 28923 % 28924 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 28925 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 28926 % 28927 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 28928 number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 28929 another number. 28930 -- James Estes 28931 % 28932 Let me not to the marriage of true minds 28933 Admit impediments. Love is not love 28934 Which alters when it alteration finds, 28935 Or bends with the remover to remove: 28936 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 28937 That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 28938 It is the star to every wandering bark, 28939 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 28940 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 28941 Within his bending sickle's compass come; 28942 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 28943 But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 28944 If this be error and upon me proved, 28945 I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 28946 % 28947 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 28948 % 28949 Let me take you a button-hole lower. 28950 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 28951 % 28952 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 28953 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 28954 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 28955 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 28956 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 28957 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 28958 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 28959 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 28960 around his neck. 28961 -- Dave Barry 28962 % 28963 Let no guilty man escape. 28964 -- U.S. Grant 28965 % 28966 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 28967 % 28968 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 28969 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 28970 % 28971 Let sleeping dogs lie. 28972 -- Charles Dickens 28973 % 28974 Let the machine do the dirty work. 28975 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie 28976 % 28977 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 28978 -- James Thurber 28979 % 28980 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 28981 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 28982 % 28983 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 28984 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 28985 -- Capone 28986 % 28987 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 28988 -- Benjamin Franklin 28989 % 28990 Let us go then you and I 28991 while the night is laid out against the sky 28992 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 28993 28994 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 28995 -- Ezra 28996 % 28997 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 28998 The muttering retreats 28999 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 29000 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 29001 Streets that follow like a tedious argument 29002 Of insidious intent 29003 To lead you to an overwhelming question... 29004 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 29005 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 29006 % 29007 Let us live!!! 29008 Let us love!!! 29009 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 29010 29011 You first. 29012 % 29013 Let us never negotiate out of fear, 29014 but let us never fear to negotiate. 29015 -- John F. Kennedy 29016 % 29017 Let us not look back in anger or forward 29018 in fear, but around us in awareness. 29019 -- James Thurber 29020 % 29021 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 29022 % 29023 Let us treat men and women well; 29024 Treat them as if they were real; 29025 Perhaps they are. 29026 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29027 % 29028 Let your conscience be your guide. 29029 -- Pope 29030 % 29031 L'etat c'est moi. 29032 [The state, that's me.] 29033 -- Louis XIV 29034 % 29035 Let's do it. 29036 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 29037 % 29038 Let's just be friends and make no special 29039 effort to ever see each other again. 29040 % 29041 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29042 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29043 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29044 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29045 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 29046 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 29047 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29048 % 29049 Let's love each other slowly, 29050 reaching for a plane, 29051 of exquisite pleasure, 29052 and delicate pain. 29053 -- Adam Beslove 29054 % 29055 Let's not complicate our relationship 29056 by trying to communicate with each other. 29057 % 29058 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 29059 % 29060 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 29061 -- Austen Briggs 29062 % 29063 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 29064 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 29065 Anguish. You would sue: 29066 29067 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 29068 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 29069 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 29070 in there". 29071 29072 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 29073 cretin like yourself. 29074 29075 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 29076 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 29077 a large cash settlement anyway. 29078 -- Dave Barry 29079 % 29080 LEVERAGE: 29081 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 29082 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 29083 % 29084 Leveraging always beats prototyping. 29085 % 29086 Lewis's Law of Travel: 29087 The first piece of luggage out of the 29088 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 29089 % 29090 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 29091 -- L. Pasteur 29092 % 29093 LIAR: 29094 A lawyer with a roving commission. 29095 % 29096 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 29097 -- Oliver Herford 29098 % 29099 LIBERAL: 29100 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 29101 % 29102 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 29103 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 29104 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 29105 % 29106 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 29107 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29108 % 29109 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 29110 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 29111 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 29112 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 29113 % 29114 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 29115 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 29116 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 29117 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 29118 of bed today. 29119 % 29120 LIE: 29121 A very poor substitute for the truth, 29122 but the only one discovered to date. 29123 % 29124 Lieberman's Law: 29125 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 29126 % 29127 Lieberman's Law: 29128 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. 29129 % 29130 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 29131 -- Ma Barker 29132 % 29133 LIFE: 29134 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 29135 % 29136 LIFE: 29137 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 29138 % 29139 LIFE: 29140 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 29141 % 29142 Life -- Love It or Leave It. 29143 % 29144 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 29145 -- Miss November, 1966 29146 % 29147 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 29148 -- Paul Gauguin 29149 % 29150 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 29151 % 29152 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 29153 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 29154 % 29155 Life exists for no known purpose. 29156 % 29157 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 29158 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 29159 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 29160 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 29161 -- Valerie Solanas 29162 % 29163 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 29164 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 29165 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 29166 % 29167 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 29168 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 29169 -- Woody Allen 29170 % 29171 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 29172 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 29173 % 29174 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 29175 important than something else. If what already is, is more important 29176 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 29177 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 29178 -- Werner Erhard 29179 % 29180 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 29181 % 29182 Life is a glorious cycle of song, 29183 A medley of extemporania; 29184 And love is thing that can never go wrong; 29185 And I am Marie of Roumania. 29186 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 29187 % 29188 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 29189 -- Helen Keller 29190 % 29191 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 29192 % 29193 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 29194 change his bed. 29195 -- Charles Baudelaire 29196 % 29197 Life is a series of rude awakenings. 29198 -- R.V. Winkle 29199 % 29200 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 29201 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 29202 -- Clarence Darrow 29203 % 29204 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 29205 % 29206 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 29207 % 29208 Life is an exciting business, and most 29209 exciting when it is lived for others. 29210 % 29211 Life is both difficult and time consuming. 29212 % 29213 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 29214 % 29215 Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 29216 % 29217 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 29218 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 29219 % 29220 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 29221 % 29222 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 29223 % 29224 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 29225 % 29226 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 29227 -- C. Schultz 29228 % 29229 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 29230 % 29231 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 29232 % 29233 Life is like a sewer. 29234 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 29235 -- Tom Lehrer 29236 % 29237 Life is like a tin of sardines. 29238 We're, all of us, looking for the key. 29239 -- Beyond the Fringe 29240 % 29241 Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 29242 you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 29243 % 29244 Life is like an onion: you peel it off 29245 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 29246 -- Carl Sandburg 29247 % 29248 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 29249 layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 29250 -- James Huneker 29251 % 29252 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 29253 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 29254 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 29255 % 29256 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 29257 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 29258 % 29259 Life is not for everyone. 29260 % 29261 Life is one long struggle in the dark. 29262 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 29263 % 29264 Life is the childhood of our immortality. 29265 -- Goethe 29266 % 29267 Life is the living you do, 29268 Death is the living you don't do. 29269 -- Joseph Pintauro 29270 % 29271 Life is the urge to ecstasy. 29272 % 29273 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 29274 % 29275 Life is too short to be taken seriously. 29276 -- O. Wilde 29277 % 29278 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 29279 -- Storm Jameson 29280 % 29281 Life is wasted on the living. 29282 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. 29283 % 29284 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 29285 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 29286 % 29287 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 29288 -- Don Reed 29289 % 29290 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 29291 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 29292 % 29293 Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 29294 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 29295 -- Dag Hammarskjold 29296 % 29297 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 29298 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 29299 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 29300 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 29301 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 29302 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 29303 % 29304 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 29305 -- Thomas J. Kopp 29306 % 29307 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 29308 -- Sanka Ad 29309 % 29310 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 29311 -- Dave Olson 29312 % 29313 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 29314 -- G.B. Shaw 29315 % 29316 Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 29317 % 29318 Lift every voice and sing 29319 Till earth and heaven ring, 29320 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 29321 Let our rejoicing rise 29322 High as the listening skies, 29323 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 29324 29325 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 29326 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 29327 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 29328 Let us march on till victory is won. 29329 -- James Weldon Johnson 29330 % 29331 Lighten up, while you still can, 29332 Don't even try to understand, 29333 Just find a place to make your stand, 29334 And take it easy. 29335 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 29336 % 29337 LIGHTHOUSE: 29338 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 29339 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 29340 % 29341 LIKE: 29342 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 29343 % 29344 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 29345 the difference between one young woman and another. 29346 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 29347 % 29348 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 29349 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 29350 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 29351 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 29352 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 29353 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 29354 right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 29355 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 29356 29357 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 29358 see her little dog Pritzi again. 29359 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 29360 29361 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 29362 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 29363 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 29364 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 29365 29366 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 29367 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 29368 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 29369 worst possible novel. 29370 % 29371 Like corn in a field I cut you down, 29372 I threw the last punch way too hard, 29373 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 29374 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 29375 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 29376 I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 29377 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 29378 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 29379 I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 29380 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 29381 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 29382 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 29383 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 29384 You know I can't think straight no more 29385 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 29386 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 29387 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 29388 % 29389 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 29390 weren't so damned great! 29391 -- Armistead Maupin 29392 % 29393 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 29394 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 29395 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 29396 like the Rolling Stones? 29397 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 29398 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 29399 % 29400 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 29401 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 29402 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 29403 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 29404 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 29405 religions. 29406 -- Benjamin Spock 29407 % 29408 Like punning, programming is a play on words. 29409 % 29410 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 29411 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 29412 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 29413 % 29414 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 29415 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 29416 -- Alan McKay 29417 % 29418 Like the time I ran away... 29419 And turned around and you were standing close to me. 29420 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 29421 % 29422 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 29423 % 29424 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 29425 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 29426 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 29427 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 29428 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 29429 -- Senior Year Quote 29430 % 29431 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 29432 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 29433 29434 Q -- Is there life after death? 29435 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 29436 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 29437 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 29438 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 29439 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 29440 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 29441 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 29442 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 29443 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 29444 -- Dave Barry 29445 % 29446 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 29447 wins few friends, Germans excepted. 29448 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 29449 % 29450 Limericks are art forms complex, 29451 Their topics run chiefly to sex. 29452 They usually have virgins, 29453 And masculine urgin's, 29454 And other erotic effects. 29455 % 29456 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 29457 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 29458 29459 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 29460 in it he found that the damned things diverged. 29461 -- Piet Hein 29462 % 29463 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 29464 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 29465 Snoopy: That's nice to know. 29466 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 29467 % 29468 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 29469 Maybe we should think only about today. 29470 Charlie Brown: 29471 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 29472 will get better. 29473 % 29474 Linus' Law: 29475 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 29476 % 29477 Lions in the street and roaming, 29478 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 29479 A beast caged in the heart of the city. 29480 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 29481 He fled the town. 29482 Went down south across the border, 29483 Left the chaos and disorder 29484 Back there, over his shoulder. 29485 One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 29486 A strange creature groaning beside him. 29487 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 29488 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 29489 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 29490 % 29491 LISP: 29492 To call a spade a thpade. 29493 % 29494 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29495 Lisp Machine is Fun. 29496 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29497 Fun for everyone. 29498 % 29499 Lisp Users: 29500 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 29501 % 29502 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 29503 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 29504 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 29505 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 29506 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 29507 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 29508 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 29509 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 29510 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 29511 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 29512 a panacea so alleged. 29513 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 29514 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 29515 the recession?" 29516 % 29517 Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 29518 Life is the other way around. 29519 -- David Lodge 29520 % 29521 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 29522 is the other way round. 29523 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 29524 % 29525 Littering is dumb. 29526 -- Ronald Macdonald 29527 % 29528 Little Fly, 29529 Thy summer's play If thought is life 29530 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 29531 Has brush'd away. And the want 29532 Of thought is death, 29533 Am not I 29534 A fly like thee? Then am I 29535 Or art not thou A happy fly 29536 A man like me? If I live 29537 Or if I die. 29538 29539 For I dance 29540 And drink & sing, 29541 Till some blind hand 29542 Shall brush my wing. 29543 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 29544 % 29545 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 29546 -- Lazarus Long 29547 % 29548 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 29549 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... 29550 % 29551 Little Known Facts, #23: 29552 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 29553 the BMW repair garage? 29554 % 29555 Little Mary on the ice, 29556 Went out to have a frisk, 29557 Now wasn't little Mary nice, 29558 Her pretty *? 29559 % 29560 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 29561 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 29562 % 29563 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 29564 -- James Dean 29565 % 29566 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 29567 % 29568 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 29569 % 29570 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 29571 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 29572 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 29573 % 29574 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 29575 -- Josh Billings 29576 % 29577 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 29578 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 29579 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 29580 % 29581 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 29582 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 29583 % 29584 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 29585 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 29586 % 29587 Living in New York City gives people real incentives 29588 to want things that nobody else wants. 29589 -- Andy Warhol 29590 % 29591 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 29592 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 29593 % 29594 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 29595 includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 29596 % 29597 LIVING YOUR LIFE: 29598 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 29599 % 29600 Lizzie Borden took an axe, 29601 And plunged it deep into the VAX; 29602 Don't you envy people who 29603 Do all the things YOU want to do? 29604 % 29605 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 29606 -- Henry David Thoreau 29607 % 29608 Lobster: 29609 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 29610 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only 29611 proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29612 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. 29613 The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea 29614 floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster 29615 behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, 29616 "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a 29617 scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural 29618 apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may 29619 even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into 29620 the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will 29621 be, too. 29622 -- Dave Barry 29623 % 29624 Lobster: 29625 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 29626 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 29627 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29628 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 29629 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 29630 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 29631 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 29632 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 29633 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 29634 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 29635 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 29636 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 29637 you and your friends will be, too. 29638 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils 29639 into Excuses and Apologies 29640 % 29641 Lockwood's Long Shot: 29642 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 29643 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 29644 % 29645 Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 29646 -- Marvin Minsky 29647 % 29648 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. 29649 % 29650 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 29651 % 29652 Logic is a systematic method of coming 29653 to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 29654 % 29655 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 29656 % 29657 Logicians have but ill defined 29658 As rational the human kind. 29659 Logic, they say, belongs to man, 29660 But let them prove it if they can. 29661 -- Oliver Goldsmith 29662 % 29663 LOGO for the Dead 29664 29665 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 29666 "The Other Side." 29667 29668 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 29669 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 29670 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 29671 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 29672 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 29673 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 29674 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 29675 Bulletin Board System). 29676 29677 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 29678 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 29679 -- '80 Microcomputing 29680 % 29681 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 29682 % 29683 Lonely is a man without love. 29684 -- Englebert Humperdinck 29685 % 29686 Lonely men seek companionship. 29687 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 29688 % 29689 Lonesome? 29690 29691 Like a change? 29692 Like a new job? 29693 Like excitement? 29694 Like to meet new and interesting people? 29695 29696 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 29697 % 29698 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 29699 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 29700 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 29701 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 29702 % 29703 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 29704 % 29705 Long life is in store for you. 29706 % 29707 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 29708 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 29709 pain and his aloneness without regret? 29710 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 29711 % 29712 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 29713 % 29714 Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 29715 % 29716 Look at it this way: 29717 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 29718 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 29719 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29720 % 29721 Look at it this way: 29722 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 29723 forget $26,000 of college education. 29724 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29725 % 29726 Look before you leap. 29727 -- Samuel Butler 29728 % 29729 Look ere ye leap. 29730 -- John Heywood 29731 % 29732 Look out! Behind you! 29733 % 29734 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 29735 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 29736 country was built. 29737 -- Hubert Allen 29738 % 29739 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 29740 -- Stephen Sondheim 29741 % 29742 Loose bits sink chips. 29743 % 29744 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 29745 -- Charles D'Hericault 29746 % 29747 Lord, what fools these mortals be! 29748 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 29749 % 29750 Losing your drivers' license is just 29751 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 29752 % 29753 Lost: gray and white female cat. 29754 Answers to electric can opener. 29755 % 29756 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 29757 % 29758 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 29759 -- Frank Hubbard 29760 % 29761 Lots of girls can be had for a song. 29762 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 29763 % 29764 Louie Louie, me gotta go 29765 Louie Louie, me gotta go 29766 29767 Fine little girl she waits for me 29768 Me catch the ship for cross the sea 29769 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 29770 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 29771 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there 29772 I smell the rose in her hair 29773 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 29774 It won't be long, me see my love 29775 I take her in my arms and then 29776 Me tell her I never leave again 29777 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 29778 % 29779 Louie, Louie, me gotta go 29780 Louie, Louie, me gotta go 29781 29782 Fine little girl she waits for me 29783 Me catch the ship for cross the sea 29784 Me sail the ship all alone 29785 Me never thinks me make it home 29786 [chorus] 29787 29788 Three nights and days me sail the sea 29789 Me think of girl constantly 29790 On the ship I dream she there 29791 I smell the rose in her hair 29792 [chorus; guitar solo] 29793 29794 Me see Jamaica moon above 29795 It won't be long, me see my love 29796 I take her in my arms and then 29797 Me tell her I never leave again 29798 -- the real words to "Louie Louie" 29799 % 29800 LOVE: 29801 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 29802 % 29803 LOVE: 29804 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 29805 % 29806 LOVE: 29807 When, if asked to choose between your lover 29808 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 29809 % 29810 LOVE: 29811 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 29812 % 29813 LOVE: 29814 When you don't want someone too close-- 29815 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 29816 % 29817 LOVE: 29818 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 29819 % 29820 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 29821 % 29822 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 29823 % 29824 Love America - or give it back. 29825 % 29826 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 29827 % 29828 Love at first sight is one of the greatest 29829 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 29830 % 29831 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 29832 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 29833 % 29834 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 29835 Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 29836 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 29837 % 29838 Love is a grave mental disease. 29839 -- Plato 29840 % 29841 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 29842 -- Matt Groening 29843 % 29844 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 29845 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 29846 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 29847 % 29848 Love is a word that is constantly heard, 29849 Hate is a word that is not. 29850 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 29851 Love, I have read, is hot. 29852 But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 29853 And Love but a drug on the mart. 29854 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 29855 But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 29856 -- Ogden Nash 29857 % 29858 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 29859 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 29860 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 29861 % 29862 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the 29863 real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 29864 -- Goethe 29865 % 29866 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 29867 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 29868 % 29869 Love is being stupid together. 29870 -- Paul Valery 29871 % 29872 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 29873 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 29874 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 29875 % 29876 Love is in the offing. 29877 -- The Homicidal Maniac 29878 % 29879 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 29880 % 29881 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 29882 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 29883 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 29884 and unquenchable. 29885 -- Bruce Lee 29886 % 29887 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 29888 -- Jerome K. Jerome 29889 % 29890 Love is never asking why? 29891 % 29892 Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 29893 % 29894 Love is sentimental measles. 29895 % 29896 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 29897 % 29898 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 29899 raises some pretty good questions. 29900 -- Woody Allen 29901 % 29902 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 29903 -- H.L. Mencken 29904 % 29905 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 29906 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 29907 -- Charles Baudelaire 29908 % 29909 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 29910 -- M. Hirschfield 29911 % 29912 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 29913 -- Saint Exupery 29914 % 29915 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 29916 -- H.L. Mencken 29917 % 29918 Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 29919 % 29920 Love is what you've been through with somebody. 29921 -- James Thurber 29922 % 29923 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 29924 % 29925 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 29926 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 29927 % 29928 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 29929 momentum. 29930 % 29931 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 29932 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 29933 % 29934 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 29935 % 29936 Love means never having to say you're sorry. 29937 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 29938 29939 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 29940 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 29941 % 29942 Love means nothing to a tennis player. 29943 % 29944 Love tells us many things that are not so. 29945 -- Krainian Proverb 29946 % 29947 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 29948 % 29949 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 29950 -- Louise Beal 29951 % 29952 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 29953 % 29954 Love to eat them mousies, 29955 Mousies I love to eat. 29956 Bite they little heads off, 29957 Nibble at they tiny feet. 29958 -- Kliban 29959 % 29960 Love to eat them mousies, 29961 Mousies what I love to eat. 29962 Bite they little heads off, 29963 Nibble on they tiny feet. 29964 -- Kliban 29965 % 29966 Love to eat them mousies; 29967 Mousies what I love to eat. 29968 Bite they tiny heads off, 29969 Nibble on they tiny feet! 29970 -- Kilban 29971 % 29972 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 29973 seized this one for the fair form 29974 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. 29975 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 29976 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 29977 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 29978 Love brought us to one death. 29979 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 29980 % 29981 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 29982 trying to figure out what you're up to. 29983 % 29984 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 29985 -- Benjamin Franklin 29986 % 29987 Lowery's Law: 29988 If it jams -- force it. If it 29989 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 29990 % 29991 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 29992 % 29993 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 29994 There's always one more bug. 29995 % 29996 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 29997 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 29998 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 29999 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 30000 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 30001 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 30002 % 30003 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 30004 -- Russell Banks 30005 % 30006 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 30007 -- P.E. Trudeau 30008 % 30009 Lucky, adj: 30010 When you have a wife and a cigarette 30011 lighter -- both of which work. 30012 % 30013 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 30014 % 30015 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 30016 Can't you be serious for once? 30017 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 30018 of the more important things in life! 30019 (pause) 30020 Tomorrow!! 30021 % 30022 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 30023 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 30024 % 30025 LUNATIC ASYLUM: 30026 The place where optimism most flourishes. 30027 % 30028 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 30029 -- Bergan Evans 30030 % 30031 Lysistrata had a good idea. 30032 % 30033 Ma Bell is a mean mother! 30034 % 30035 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 30036 % 30037 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 30038 "What about X?" 30039 "I said `intellectual'." 30040 ;login, 9/1990 30041 % 30042 Machine-independent program: 30043 A program that will not run on any machine. 30044 % 30045 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 30046 -- Andy Warhol 30047 % 30048 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 30049 repairman arrives. 30050 % 30051 macho, adj.: 30052 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 30053 % 30054 Macho does not prove mucho. 30055 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 30056 % 30057 MAD: 30058 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 30059 % 30060 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 30061 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 30062 -- W.C. Fields 30063 % 30064 Madison's Inquiry: 30065 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 30066 % 30067 Madness takes its toll. 30068 % 30069 Magary's Principle: 30070 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 30071 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 30072 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 30073 % 30074 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 30075 % 30076 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 30077 30078 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 30079 30080 The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one 30081 thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a 30082 great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. 30083 % 30084 MAGNOCARTIC: 30085 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 30086 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 30087 % 30088 magnocartic, adj: 30089 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 30090 carts. 30091 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30092 % 30093 MAGPIE: 30094 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 30095 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 30096 -- A. Bierce 30097 % 30098 MAIDEN AUNT: 30099 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 30100 % 30101 Maiden, n: 30102 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 30103 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 30104 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 30105 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 30106 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 30107 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 30108 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 30109 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 30110 30111 Male, n: 30112 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 30113 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 30114 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 30115 -- Ambrose Bierce 30116 % 30117 Maier's Law: 30118 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 30119 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 30120 30121 Corollaries: 30122 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 30123 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 30124 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 30125 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 30126 % 30127 Main's Law: 30128 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 30129 % 30130 Maintainer's Motto: 30131 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 30132 % 30133 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 30134 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 30135 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 30136 % 30137 Major premise: 30138 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 30139 Minor premise: 30140 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 30141 Conclusion: 30142 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 30143 30144 Secondary Conclusion: 30145 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 30146 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 30147 % 30148 Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 30149 -- Robert Moses 30150 % 30151 MAJORITY: 30152 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 30153 % 30154 Make a wish, it might come true. 30155 % 30156 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 30157 % 30158 Make it right before you make it faster. 30159 % 30160 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 30161 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 30162 % 30163 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 30164 % 30165 Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 30166 % 30167 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 30168 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 30169 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 30170 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 30171 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 30172 % 30173 Malek's Law: 30174 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 30175 % 30176 MALPRACTICE: 30177 The reason surgeons wear masks. 30178 % 30179 MAN: 30180 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 30181 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 30182 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 30183 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 30184 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 30185 -- A. Bierce 30186 % 30187 Man and wife make one fool. 30188 % 30189 Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 30190 -- Wernher von Braun 30191 % 30192 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 30193 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 30194 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 30195 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 30196 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30197 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30198 % 30199 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 30200 -- Fred Allen 30201 % 30202 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 30203 % 30204 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 30205 -- Lily Tomlin 30206 % 30207 Man is a military animal, 30208 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 30209 -- P.J. Bailey 30210 % 30211 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he 30212 is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30213 -- Oscar Wilde 30214 % 30215 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 30216 no dog exchanges bones with another. 30217 -- Adam Smith 30218 % 30219 Man is by nature a political animal. 30220 -- Aristotle 30221 % 30222 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 30223 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 30224 -- Wernher von Braun 30225 % 30226 Man is the measure of all things. 30227 -- Protagoras 30228 % 30229 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 30230 -- Mark Twain 30231 % 30232 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 30233 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 30234 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 30235 % 30236 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 30237 for he is the only animal that is struck with the 30238 difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 30239 -- William Hazlitt 30240 % 30241 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 30242 -- Arthur R. Miller 30243 % 30244 Man proposes, God disposes. 30245 -- Thomas a Kempis 30246 % 30247 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 30248 unless it is an enemy. 30249 -- A. Einstein 30250 % 30251 Man who arrives at party two hours late 30252 will find he has been beaten to the punch. 30253 % 30254 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 30255 % 30256 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 30257 % 30258 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 30259 % 30260 Man will never fly. 30261 Space travel is merely a dream. 30262 All aspirin is alike. 30263 % 30264 Management: How many feet do mice have? 30265 Reply: Mice have four feet. 30266 M: Elaborate! 30267 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 30268 M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 30269 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 30270 M: What? Feet with no legs? 30271 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 30272 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 30273 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 30274 M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 30275 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 30276 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 30277 is not equipped with a foot. 30278 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 30279 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 30280 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 30281 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 30282 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 30283 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 30284 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 30285 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 30286 ornamental in nature. 30287 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 30288 R: Mice have four feet. 30289 % 30290 MANAGEMENT: 30291 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 30292 % 30293 MANAGER: 30294 A man known for giving great meeting. 30295 % 30296 man-hour, n: 30297 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 30298 % 30299 MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 30300 Easy glum, easy glow. 30301 % 30302 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 30303 -- Plotinus 30304 % 30305 Manly's Maxim: 30306 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 30307 with confidence. 30308 % 30309 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 30310 % 30311 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 30312 % 30313 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 30314 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 30315 -- Sydney J. Harris 30316 % 30317 manual, n: 30318 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 30319 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 30320 you need in in the others. 30321 -- Ray Simard 30322 % 30323 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 30324 -- George M. Cohan 30325 % 30326 Many a family tree needs trimming. 30327 % 30328 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 30329 is not so. It is so. It is not so. 30330 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 30331 % 30332 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 30333 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 30334 -- Finley Peter Dunne 30335 % 30336 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 30337 can easily support two or more. 30338 % 30339 Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound 30340 except when he can't understand his own meaning. 30341 -- George D. Prentice 30342 % 30343 Many are called, few are chosen. 30344 Fewer still get to do the choosing. 30345 % 30346 Many are called, few volunteer. 30347 % 30348 Many are cold, but few are frozen. 30349 % 30350 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 30351 % 30352 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 30353 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 30354 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 30355 their data processing systems. 30356 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30357 % 30358 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 30359 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 30360 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 30361 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 30362 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 30363 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 30364 % 30365 Many hands make light work. 30366 -- John Heywood 30367 % 30368 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 30369 % 30370 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 30371 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 30372 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 30373 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 30374 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 30375 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 30376 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 30377 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 30378 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 30379 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 30380 -- Francis Galton, 1909 30381 % 30382 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 30383 tricks on me and treating me badly. 30384 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 30385 % 30386 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 30387 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 30388 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 30389 % 30390 Many pages make a thick book. 30391 % 30392 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 30393 very thin paper. 30394 % 30395 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 30396 which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 30397 % 30398 Many people are secretly interested in life. 30399 % 30400 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 30401 % 30402 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 30403 % 30404 Many people feel that if you won't let 30405 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 30406 % 30407 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 30408 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 30409 % 30410 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 30411 % 30412 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 30413 % 30414 Many receive advice, few profit by it. 30415 -- Publilius Syrus 30416 % 30417 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 30418 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 30419 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 30420 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... 30421 -- Walt Kelly 30422 % 30423 Margaret, are you grieving 30424 Over Goldengrove unleaving? 30425 Leaves, like the things of man, 30426 You, with your fresh thoughts 30427 Care for, can you? 30428 Ah! as the heart grows older 30429 It will come to such sights colder 30430 By and by, nor spare a sigh 30431 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 30432 And yet you will weep and know why. 30433 Now no matter, child, the name 30434 Sorrow's springs are the same: 30435 It is the blight man was born for, 30436 It is Margaret you mourn for. 30437 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. 30438 % 30439 Marigold: Jealousy 30440 Mint: Virute 30441 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 30442 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 30443 Pansy: Thoughts 30444 Peach blossom: I am your captive 30445 Petunia: Your presence soothes me 30446 Poppy: Sleep 30447 Rose, any color: Love 30448 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 30449 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 30450 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 30451 Rose, white: I am worthy of you 30452 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 30453 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 30454 Rosemary: Rememberance 30455 Sunflower: Haughtiness 30456 Tulip, red: Declaration of love 30457 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 30458 Violet, blue: Faithfulness 30459 Violet, white: Modesty 30460 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 30461 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 30462 % 30463 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 30464 % 30465 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 30466 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 30467 it in order to protect themselves. 30468 -- Lenny Bruce 30469 % 30470 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 30471 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 30472 that require a simple yes or no answer. 30473 % 30474 MARRIAGE: 30475 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 30476 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 30477 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 30478 % 30479 MARRIAGE: 30480 Convertible bonds. 30481 % 30482 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 30483 insincerity possible between two human beings. 30484 -- Vicki Baum 30485 % 30486 Marriage causes dating problems. 30487 % 30488 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 30489 -- Edmond About 30490 % 30491 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 30492 % 30493 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 30494 not ready for an institution yet. 30495 -- Mae West 30496 % 30497 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 30498 surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 30499 -- James Garner 30500 % 30501 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 30502 % 30503 Marriage is a three ring circus: 30504 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 30505 -- Roger Price 30506 % 30507 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 30508 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 30509 % 30510 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 30511 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 30512 in the brewery. 30513 -- George Jean Nathan 30514 % 30515 Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 30516 % 30517 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 30518 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 30519 % 30520 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 30521 -- Baskins 30522 % 30523 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 30524 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 30525 -- Calvin Trillin 30526 % 30527 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 30528 -- Voltaire 30529 % 30530 Marriage is the process of finding out what 30531 kind of man your wife would have preferred. 30532 % 30533 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 30534 % 30535 Marriage, n: 30536 The evil aye. 30537 % 30538 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 30539 -- John Lyly 30540 % 30541 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 30542 % 30543 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 30544 connected by a thin strand. 30545 30546 Come on, Marta, grow up. 30547 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30548 % 30549 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 30550 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 30551 territory from invasion by another group." 30552 30553 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 30554 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30555 % 30556 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 30557 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 30558 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 30559 % 30560 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 30561 -- George Bernard Shaw 30562 % 30563 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 30564 What a finely tuned response to the situation! 30565 % 30566 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 30567 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 30568 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 30569 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 30570 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 30571 named a drink Fred?" 30572 % 30573 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 30574 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 30575 % 30576 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 30577 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 30578 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 30579 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 30580 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 30581 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 30582 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 30583 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 30584 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 30585 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 30586 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 30587 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 30588 -- Alma Garcia 30589 % 30590 Maryann's Law: 30591 You can always find what you're not looking for. 30592 % 30593 Maslow's Maxim: 30594 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 30595 you treat everything like a nail. 30596 % 30597 Mason's First Law of Synergism: 30598 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 30599 % 30600 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 30601 % 30602 Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 30603 -- Christopher Hampton 30604 % 30605 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 30606 -- Monty Python 30607 % 30608 Mater artium necessitas. 30609 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 30610 % 30611 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 30612 -- Malcolm Smith 30613 % 30614 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 30615 Please, don't drink and derive. 30616 30617 Mathematicians 30618 Against 30619 Drunk 30620 Deriving 30621 % 30622 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 30623 -- R. Drabek 30624 % 30625 mathematician, n: 30626 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 30627 % 30628 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 30629 translate into their own language and forthwith it is something 30630 entirely different. 30631 -- Goethe 30632 % 30633 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 30634 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 30635 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30636 % 30637 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 30638 -- Henry Adams 30639 % 30640 Mathematicians take it to the limit. 30641 % 30642 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 30643 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 30644 -- Albert Einstein 30645 % 30646 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 30647 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 30648 -- Russell 30649 % 30650 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 30651 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 30652 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 30653 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 30654 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 30655 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 30656 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 30657 -- Bertrand Russell 30658 % 30659 Matrimony is the root of all evil. 30660 % 30661 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 30662 % 30663 Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 30664 nor can it be returned without a receipt. 30665 % 30666 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 30667 % 30668 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 30669 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 30670 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 30671 -- S. Kierkegaard 30672 % 30673 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 30674 -- Jules Feiffer 30675 % 30676 Matz's Law: 30677 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30678 % 30679 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 30680 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 30681 % 30682 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 30683 % 30684 May all your PUSHes be POPped. 30685 % 30686 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 30687 % 30688 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 30689 % 30690 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 30691 % 30692 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 30693 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 30694 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 30695 % 30696 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 30697 % 30698 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 30699 % 30700 May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 30701 % 30702 May you have warm words on a cold evening, 30703 a full moon on a dark night, 30704 and a smooth road all the way to your door. 30705 % 30706 May you live in uninteresting times. 30707 -- Chinese proverb 30708 % 30709 May your camel be as swift as the wind. 30710 % 30711 May your SO always know when you need a hug. 30712 % 30713 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 30714 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 30715 % 30716 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 30717 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 30718 -- Will Rogers 30719 % 30720 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 30721 -- R.S. Barton 30722 % 30723 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 30724 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 30725 -- Lazarus Long 30726 % 30727 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 30728 % 30729 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 30730 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 30731 had to seek professional help." 30732 % 30733 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 30734 these days you can certainly charge it. 30735 % 30736 May's Law: 30737 The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density 30738 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 30739 % 30740 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 30741 % 30742 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 30743 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 30744 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 30745 % 30746 Meader's Law: 30747 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 30748 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 30749 % 30750 Meade's Maxim: 30751 Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 30752 just like everyone else. 30753 % 30754 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 30755 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 30756 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 30757 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 30758 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 30759 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 30760 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 30761 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 30762 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 30763 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 30764 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 30765 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 30766 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 30767 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 30768 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 30769 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 30770 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 30771 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 30772 % 30773 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 30774 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 30775 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 30776 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 30777 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 30778 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 30779 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful 30780 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 30781 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 30782 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 30783 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 30784 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 30785 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 30786 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 30787 to mouth... 30788 % 30789 Measure twice, cut once. 30790 % 30791 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 30792 % 30793 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 30794 -- Frederick Crane 30795 % 30796 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 30797 % 30798 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 30799 % 30800 Meeting: 30801 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what 30802 person or department not represented in the room must solve the 30803 problem. 30804 % 30805 meeting, n: 30806 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 30807 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 30808 % 30809 MEETINGS: 30810 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 30811 % 30812 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 30813 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 30814 in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 30815 -- Dave Barry 30816 % 30817 MEMO: 30818 An interoffice communication too often written more for 30819 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 30820 who receives it. 30821 % 30822 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 30823 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 30824 drive and drive. 30825 30826 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 30827 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 30828 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 30829 some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 30830 30831 I guess some things never leave you. 30832 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30833 % 30834 Memory fault -- brain fried 30835 % 30836 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 30837 % 30838 Memory fault - where am I? 30839 % 30840 Memory should be the starting point of the present. 30841 % 30842 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 30843 -- Marilyn Monroe 30844 % 30845 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 30846 hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 30847 never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 30848 will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 30849 man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 30850 through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 30851 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 30852 tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 30853 ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 30854 a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 30855 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 30856 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 30857 of tires. 30858 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 30859 % 30860 Men are superior to women. 30861 -- The Koran 30862 % 30863 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 30864 -- Jayne Mansfield 30865 % 30866 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 30867 They're attracted by what I don't mind... 30868 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 30869 % 30870 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 30871 -- Julius Caesar 30872 % 30873 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 30874 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 30875 -- H.L. Mencken 30876 % 30877 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 30878 rights as women have of their wrongs. 30879 -- E.W. Howe 30880 % 30881 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 30882 % 30883 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 30884 % 30885 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 30886 -- Dorothy Parker 30887 % 30888 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 30889 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 30890 -- Winston Churchill 30891 % 30892 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 30893 -- Leonardo da Vinci 30894 % 30895 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 30896 % 30897 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 30898 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 30899 % 30900 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 30901 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 30902 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 30903 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 30904 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 30905 and acts that are contrary to habit... 30906 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" 30907 % 30908 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 30909 -- DeSegur 30910 % 30911 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 30912 % 30913 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 30914 % 30915 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 30916 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 30917 % 30918 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 30919 and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 30920 -- Voltaire 30921 % 30922 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 30923 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 30924 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 30925 before. Thus was the Empire forged. 30926 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30927 % 30928 Men who cherish for women the highest 30929 respect are seldom popular with them. 30930 -- Joseph Addison 30931 % 30932 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 30933 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 30934 30935 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 30936 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 30937 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 30938 30939 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 30940 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 30941 30942 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 30943 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 30944 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 30945 can ever hope to acquire it. 30946 % 30947 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. 30948 % 30949 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 30950 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 30951 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 30952 -- Piers Anthony 30953 % 30954 Mental things which have not gone in through the 30955 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 30956 -- Leonardo 30957 % 30958 MENU: 30959 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 30960 % 30961 Meskimen's Law: 30962 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 30963 do it over. 30964 % 30965 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 30966 % 30967 Message will arrive in the mail. 30968 Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 30969 % 30970 METEOROLOGIST: 30971 One who doubts the established fact that it is 30972 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 30973 % 30974 Metermaids eat their young. 30975 % 30976 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 30977 % 30978 MICRO: 30979 Thinker toys. 30980 % 30981 Micro Credo: 30982 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 30983 % 30984 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 30985 % 30986 Microwaves frizz your heir. 30987 % 30988 Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 30989 % 30990 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 30991 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 30992 -- Casablanca 30993 % 30994 Miksch's Law: 30995 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 30996 % 30997 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 30998 % 30999 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 31000 -- Groucho Marx 31001 % 31002 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 31003 -- Groucho Marx 31004 % 31005 Miller's Slogan: 31006 Lose a few, lose a few. 31007 % 31008 millihelen, adj: 31009 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 31010 % 31011 Millions long for immortality who do not know what 31012 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 31013 -- Susan Ertz 31014 % 31015 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 31016 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 31017 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 31018 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 31019 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 31020 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 31021 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 31022 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 31023 the gold and the black. 31024 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 31025 % 31026 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 31027 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 31028 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 31029 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 31030 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 31031 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 31032 % 31033 "Mind if I smoke?" 31034 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 31035 % 31036 "Mind if I smoke?" 31037 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 31038 % 31039 Mind your own business, Spock. 31040 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 31041 % 31042 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 31043 % 31044 Minicomputer: 31045 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 31046 manager. 31047 % 31048 Minnesota -- 31049 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 31050 mosquito supplier to the free world. 31051 come fall in love with a loon. 31052 where visitors turn blue with envy. 31053 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 31054 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 31055 where the elite meet sleet. 31056 glove it or leave it. 31057 many are cold, but few are frozen. 31058 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 31059 land of 10,000 Petersons. 31060 % 31061 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 31062 % 31063 MIPS: 31064 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 31065 % 31066 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 31067 -- Jean Cocteau 31068 % 31069 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 31070 % 31071 Misery no longer loves company. 31072 Nowadays it insists on it. 31073 -- Russell Baker 31074 % 31075 MISFORTUNE: 31076 The kind of fortune that never misses. 31077 % 31078 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 31079 % 31080 MISS: 31081 A title with which we brand unmarried 31082 women to indicate that they are in the market. 31083 % 31084 Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. 31085 % 31086 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 31087 % 31088 MIT: 31089 The Georgia Tech of the North 31090 % 31091 Mitchell's Law of Committees: 31092 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 31093 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 31094 % 31095 mittsquinter, adj: 31096 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 31097 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 31098 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31099 % 31100 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 31101 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 31102 -- Horace 31103 % 31104 mixed emotions: 31105 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 31106 With five empty seats. 31107 % 31108 Mix's Law: 31109 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 31110 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 31111 % 31112 Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 31113 % 31114 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 31115 31116 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 31117 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 31118 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 31119 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 31120 Cinnamon 31121 31122 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 31123 RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 31124 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 31125 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 31126 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 31127 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 31128 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 31129 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 31130 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 31131 % 31132 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 31133 -- P.J. Denning 31134 % 31135 modem, adj: 31136 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 31137 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 31138 % 31139 Moderation in all things. 31140 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 31141 % 31142 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 31143 -- Oscar Wilde 31144 % 31145 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 31146 themselves that they have a better idea. 31147 -- John Ciardi 31148 % 31149 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 31150 % 31151 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 31152 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 31153 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 31154 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 31155 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 31156 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 31157 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 31158 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 31159 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 31160 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 31161 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 31162 Theory", 1949 31163 % 31164 MODESTY: 31165 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 31166 % 31167 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 31168 -- J.K. Galbraith 31169 % 31170 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 31171 not to be aware of it. 31172 -- Oliver Herford 31173 % 31174 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 31175 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 31176 Moe: So? 31177 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 31178 % 31179 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 31180 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 31181 % 31182 Moebius always does it on the same side. 31183 % 31184 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 31185 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 31186 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 31187 % 31188 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 31189 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 31190 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 31191 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 31192 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 31193 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 31194 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 31195 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 31196 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 31197 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 31198 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 31199 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 31200 % 31201 MOLECULE: 31202 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 31203 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 31204 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 31205 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 31206 the atom in that it is an ion... 31207 % 31208 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 31209 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 31210 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 31211 % 31212 MOMENTUM: 31213 What you give a person when they are going away. 31214 % 31215 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 31216 % 31217 Mom's Law: 31218 When they finally do have to take you to the 31219 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 31220 % 31221 MONDAY: 31222 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 31223 -- Ambrose Bierce 31224 % 31225 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 31226 % 31227 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 31228 things we have. 31229 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31230 % 31231 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 31232 % 31233 Money cannot buy 31234 The fuel of love 31235 but is excellent kindling. 31236 31237 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 31238 Is a keen observer of life, 31239 The word intellectual suggests right away 31240 A man who's untrue to his wife. 31241 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 31242 % 31243 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 31244 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 31245 -- C.B. Luce 31246 % 31247 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 31248 -- Christopher Marlowe 31249 % 31250 Money doesn't talk, it swears. 31251 -- Bob Dylan 31252 % 31253 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 31254 -- Lazarus Long 31255 % 31256 Money is its own reward. 31257 % 31258 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 31259 % 31260 Money is the root of all wealth. 31261 % 31262 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 31263 -- Lazarus Long 31264 % 31265 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 31266 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 31267 % 31268 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 31269 % 31270 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 31271 puts you in a great bargaining position. 31272 % 31273 Money will say more in one moment than 31274 the most eloquent lover can in years. 31275 % 31276 Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 31277 -- Andries van Dam 31278 % 31279 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 31280 -- H.H. Munro 31281 % 31282 MONOTONY: 31283 Marriage to one woman at a time. 31284 % 31285 MONTANA: 31286 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 31287 % 31288 MONTANA: 31289 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 31290 % 31291 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 31292 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 31293 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 31294 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 31295 % 31296 moon, n: 31297 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 31298 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 31299 % 31300 Moore's Constant: 31301 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 31302 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 31303 % 31304 MOPHOBIA: 31305 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31306 % 31307 mophobia, n: 31308 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31309 % 31310 More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 31311 -- Vauvenargues 31312 % 31313 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 31314 -- R.S. Surtees 31315 % 31316 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 31317 % 31318 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 31319 % 31320 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 31321 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 31322 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 31323 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 31324 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 31325 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 31326 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 31327 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 31328 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 31329 % 31330 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 31331 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 31332 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 31333 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 31334 % 31335 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 31336 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 31337 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 31338 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 31339 just once?" 31340 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 31341 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 31342 I just want to win one little lottery." 31343 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 31344 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 31345 % 31346 Morton's Law: 31347 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 31348 % 31349 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 31350 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 31351 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 31352 % 31353 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 31354 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 31355 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 31356 % 31357 MOSQUITO: 31358 The state bird of New Jersey. 31359 % 31360 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 31361 % 31362 Most folks they like the daytime, 31363 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 31364 They're up in the morning, 31365 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 31366 But when the sun goes down, 31367 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 31368 31369 Now there are two sides to this great big world, 31370 and one of them is always night. 31371 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 31372 I guess you're gonna be all right. 31373 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 31374 My eyes just can't stand the light. 31375 31376 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 31377 -- Carly Simon 31378 % 31379 Most general statements are false, including this one. 31380 -- Alexander Dumas 31381 % 31382 Most of our lives are about proving something, 31383 either to ourselves or to someone else. 31384 % 31385 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 31386 difficulties before we get to them. 31387 -- Dr. Frank Crane 31388 % 31389 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 31390 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 31391 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 31392 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 31393 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 31394 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 31395 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 31396 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 31397 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 31398 -- Alix Kates Shulman 31399 % 31400 Most of your faults are not your fault. 31401 % 31402 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 31403 % 31404 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 31405 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 31406 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 31407 moon. 31408 -- H.L. Mencken 31409 % 31410 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 31411 % 31412 Most people deserve each other. 31413 -- Shirley 31414 % 31415 Most people don't need a great deal of love 31416 nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 31417 % 31418 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 31419 -- E.W. Howe 31420 % 31421 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 31422 % 31423 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 31424 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 31425 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 31426 -- W.S. Maugham 31427 % 31428 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 31429 % 31430 Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 31431 a good reason, and the real reason. 31432 % 31433 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 31434 at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 31435 -- Susan Sontag 31436 % 31437 Most people need some of their problems 31438 to help take their mind off some of the others. 31439 % 31440 Most people prefer certainty to truth. 31441 % 31442 Most people want either less corruption 31443 or more of a chance to participate in it. 31444 % 31445 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 31446 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 31447 % 31448 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 31449 % 31450 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 31451 % 31452 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 31453 can't talk for people who can't read. 31454 -- Frank Zappa 31455 % 31456 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 31457 % 31458 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 31459 -- Richard Lewis 31460 % 31461 MOTHER: 31462 Half a word. 31463 % 31464 Mother Earth is not flat! 31465 % 31466 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 31467 there would be so many. 31468 % 31469 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 31470 would be so many. 31471 % 31472 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 31473 % 31474 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 31475 don't want them to become politicians in the process. 31476 -- John F. Kennedy 31477 % 31478 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 31479 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 31480 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 31481 % 31482 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 31483 % 31484 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 31485 % 31486 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 31487 of the day. 31488 % 31489 Mr. Cole's Axiom: 31490 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 31491 population is growing. 31492 % 31493 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 31494 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 31495 shirts but they're going back. 31496 % 31497 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 31498 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 31499 % 31500 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 31501 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 31502 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 31503 % 31504 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 31505 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 31506 lessons or what? 31507 % 31508 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 31509 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 31510 wrong, "Up to a point." 31511 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 31512 Yokohama isn't it?" 31513 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 31514 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 31515 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 31516 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 31517 % 31518 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 31519 -- Henry Spencer 31520 % 31521 Much of the excitement we get out of our work 31522 is that we don't really know what we are doing. 31523 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 31524 % 31525 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 31526 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 31527 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 31528 be shared." 31529 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 31530 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 31531 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 31532 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 31533 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 31534 with prawns, 31535 Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." 31536 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 31537 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 31538 And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 31539 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 31540 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 31541 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 31542 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 31543 % 31544 Multics is security spelled sideways. 31545 % 31546 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 31547 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 31548 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 31549 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 31550 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 31551 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" 31552 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 31553 as much fun to watch. 31554 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 31555 % 31556 MUMMY: 31557 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 31558 % 31559 Mummy dust to make me old; 31560 To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31561 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31562 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31563 A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31564 A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31565 Now begin thy magic spell! 31566 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 31567 % 31568 Mummy dust to make me old; 31569 To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31570 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31571 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31572 A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31573 A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31574 Now begin thy magic spell! 31575 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 31576 % 31577 Mum's the word. 31578 -- Miguel de Cervantes 31579 % 31580 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 31581 -- Xaviera Hollander 31582 31583 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 31584 % 31585 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 31586 talk about after dinner. 31587 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 31588 % 31589 Murphy was an optimist. 31590 % 31591 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 31592 % 31593 Murphy's Law of Research: 31594 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 31595 % 31596 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 31597 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 31598 % 31599 Murphy's Laws: 31600 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 31601 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 31602 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 31603 % 31604 Murray's Rule: 31605 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 31606 % 31607 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 31608 -- Lao Tsu 31609 % 31610 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 31611 % 31612 Must I hold a candle to my shames? 31613 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 31614 % 31615 MUSTGO: 31616 Any item of food that has been sitting in the 31617 refrigerator so long it has become a science project. 31618 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31619 % 31620 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 31621 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 31622 % 31623 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 31624 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 31625 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 31626 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 31627 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 31628 31629 And you know two heads are better than one. 31630 % 31631 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 31632 31633 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 31634 they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 31635 % 31636 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 31637 The height of its contents to see! 31638 She lit a small match to assist her, 31639 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 31640 % 31641 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 31642 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 31643 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 31644 a bulls-eye on the back. 31645 31646 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 31647 said, "So will you." 31648 -- Rodney Dangerfield 31649 % 31650 My brain is my second favorite organ. 31651 -- Woody Allen 31652 % 31653 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 31654 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 31655 -- Steven Wright 31656 % 31657 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 31658 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 31659 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 31660 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 31661 decimal points for the sake of precision. 31662 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 31663 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 31664 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 31665 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 31666 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 31667 over. 31668 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 31669 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 31670 % 31671 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 31672 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 31673 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 31674 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 31675 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 31676 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 31677 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 31678 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 31679 -- Hunter S. Thompson 31680 % 31681 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 31682 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 31683 drunk or sober." 31684 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 31685 % 31686 "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 31687 sober." 31688 -- G.K. Chesterton 31689 % 31690 My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 31691 % 31692 My darling wife was always glum. 31693 I drowned her in a cask of rum, 31694 And so made sure that she would stay 31695 In better spirits night and day. 31696 % 31697 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 31698 Unless there are three other people. 31699 -- Orson Welles 31700 % 31701 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 31702 % 31703 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 31704 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 31705 is going on. 31706 -- J.F. Kennedy 31707 % 31708 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 31709 -- Iphicrates 31710 % 31711 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 31712 your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 31713 -- Erich Maria Remarque 31714 % 31715 My father taught me three things: 31716 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 31717 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 31718 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 31719 % 31720 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 31721 missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 31722 -- E.B. White 31723 % 31724 My father was a saint, I'm not. 31725 -- Indira Gandhi 31726 % 31727 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 31728 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 31729 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey 31730 % 31731 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 31732 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 31733 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 31734 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 31735 somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 31736 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 31737 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 31738 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 31739 % 31740 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 31741 but they were there to meet the boat. 31742 % 31743 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 31744 later I can ask him what he meant. 31745 -- Stephen Wright 31746 % 31747 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 31748 but always, always, he was right. 31749 % 31750 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 31751 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 31752 back and dig her up. 31753 % 31754 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 31755 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 31756 % 31757 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 31758 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 31759 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 31760 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 31761 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 31762 % 31763 My, how you've changed since I've changed. 31764 % 31765 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 31766 % 31767 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 31768 % 31769 My interest is in the future because I am 31770 going to spend the rest of my life there. 31771 % 31772 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 31773 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 31774 The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 31775 And the skies are sunlit for him. 31776 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 31777 As the fragrance of acacia. 31778 My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 31779 And I wish he were in Asia. 31780 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 31781 % 31782 My love runs by like a day in June, 31783 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 31784 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 31785 In the pathway or the morrows. 31786 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 31787 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 31788 My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 31789 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 31790 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 31791 % 31792 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 31793 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 31794 -- G.B. Shaw 31795 % 31796 My mind can never know my body, although 31797 it has become quite friendly with my legs. 31798 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 31799 % 31800 My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 31801 -- Crazy Jimmy 31802 % 31803 My mother loved children -- she would 31804 have given anything if I had been one. 31805 -- Groucho Marx 31806 % 31807 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 31808 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 31809 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 31810 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 31811 % 31812 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 31813 -- Sue Murphy 31814 % 31815 My My, hey hey 31816 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 31817 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 31818 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 31819 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 31820 31821 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 31822 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 31823 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 31824 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 31825 And into the black 31826 -- Neil Young 31827 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 31828 % 31829 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 31830 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 31831 % 31832 My only love sprung from my only hate! 31833 Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 31834 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 31835 % 31836 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 31837 % 31838 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 31839 -- O. Wilde 31840 % 31841 My own dear love, he is strong and bold 31842 And he cares not what comes after. 31843 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 31844 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 31845 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 31846 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 31847 My own dear love, he is all my world -- 31848 And I wish I'd never met him. 31849 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 31850 % 31851 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 31852 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 31853 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 31854 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 31855 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 31856 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 31857 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 31858 would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 31859 -- James A. Michener 31860 % 31861 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" 31862 -- Zippy the Pinhead 31863 % 31864 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 31865 % 31866 My pen is at the bottom of a page, 31867 Which, being finished, here the story ends; 31868 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 31869 But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 31870 -- Byron 31871 % 31872 My philosophy is: Don't think. 31873 -- Charles Manson 31874 % 31875 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 31876 -- Errol Flynn 31877 31878 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 31879 -- Errol Flynn 31880 % 31881 My rackets are run on strictly American 31882 lines, and they're going to stay that way. 31883 -- A. Capone 31884 % 31885 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 31886 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 31887 with our frail and feeble mind. 31888 -- Albert Einstein 31889 % 31890 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 31891 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 31892 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 31893 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 31894 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 31895 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 31896 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 31897 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 31898 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 31899 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 31900 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 31901 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 31902 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 31903 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 31904 -- Dave Barry 31905 % 31906 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 31907 reason to limit myself. 31908 -- Emo Philips 31909 % 31910 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 31911 She sells C shells by the seashore. 31912 % 31913 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 31914 I do not like me anymore, 31915 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 31916 I ponder on the narrow house 31917 I shudder at the thought of men 31918 I'm due to fall in love again. 31919 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 31920 % 31921 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 31922 -- Christopher Morley 31923 % 31924 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 31925 -- George Gobel 31926 % 31927 My way of joking is to tell the truth. 31928 That's the funniest joke in the world. 31929 -- Muhammad Ali 31930 % 31931 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 31932 % 31933 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 31934 -- Booth Tarkington 31935 % 31936 mythology, n: 31937 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 31938 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 31939 from the true accounts which it invents later. 31940 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31941 % 31942 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 31943 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 31944 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 31945 31946 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 31947 31948 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 31949 "So, how's your daughter?" 31950 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 31951 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 31952 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 31953 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 31954 the doctor?" 31955 "Yes, that's her!" 31956 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 31957 "Yes, yes!" 31958 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 31959 % 31960 Nachman's Rule: 31961 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 31962 -- Gerald Nachman 31963 % 31964 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 31965 -- '76 Olympics 31966 % 31967 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 31968 Never odd or even. 31969 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 31970 Madam, I'm Adam. 31971 Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 31972 -- The Mad Palindromist 31973 % 31974 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 31975 Everything he says is wrong. 31976 GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 31977 and then everything he says will be right. 31978 31979 -- G.B. Shaw 31980 % 31981 narcolepulacyi, n: 31982 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 31983 to also yawn. 31984 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31985 % 31986 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 31987 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 31988 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 31989 it." 31990 % 31991 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 31992 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 31993 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 31994 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 31995 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 31996 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 31997 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 31998 were spoken to. 31999 % 32000 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 32001 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 32002 shop?" 32003 "Of course." 32004 "Have you ever seen me before?" 32005 "Never." 32006 "Then how do you know it was me?" 32007 % 32008 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 32009 than the sun." 32010 "Why?", he was asked. 32011 "Because at night we need the light more." 32012 % 32013 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 32014 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 32015 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 32016 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 32017 % 32018 National security is in your hands - guard it well. 32019 % 32020 Natural laws have no pity. 32021 % 32022 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 32023 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 32024 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 32025 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 32026 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 32027 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 32028 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 32029 in every country. 32030 -- Hermann Goering 32031 % 32032 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 32033 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 32034 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 32035 creamed? 32036 -- Solomon Short 32037 % 32038 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 32039 -- Clare Booth Luce 32040 % 32041 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 32042 % 32043 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 32044 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 32045 32046 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 32047 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 32048 % 32049 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 32050 given them little. 32051 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 32052 % 32053 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, 32054 it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 32055 -- Fran Lebowitz 32056 % 32057 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 32058 tolerated until they acquire some sense. 32059 -- William Phelps 32060 % 32061 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 32062 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 32063 As on the land while here the ocean gains, 32064 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 32065 Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 32066 The solid power of understanding fails; 32067 Where beams of warm imagination play, 32068 The memory's soft figures melt away. 32069 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 32070 % 32071 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 32072 -- Francis Bacon 32073 % 32074 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 32075 On the Rue des Ecoles 32076 lived an old man 32077 with a blind dog 32078 Every evening I would see him 32079 guiding the dog along 32080 the sidewalk, keeping 32081 a firm grip on the leash 32082 so that the dog wouldn't 32083 run into a passerby 32084 Sometimes the dog would stop 32085 and look up at the sky 32086 Once the old man 32087 noticed me watching the dog 32088 and he said, "Oh, yes, 32089 this one knows 32090 when the moon is out, 32091 he can feel it on his face" 32092 -- Barry Gifford 32093 % 32094 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 32095 want to test a man's character, give him power. 32096 -- Abraham Lincoln 32097 % 32098 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 32099 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 32100 -- Brent Welch 32101 % 32102 Necessity has no law. 32103 -- St. Augustine 32104 % 32105 Necessity hath no law. 32106 -- Oliver Cromwell 32107 % 32108 Necessity is a mother. 32109 % 32110 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 32111 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 32112 -- Alfred North Whitehead 32113 % 32114 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 32115 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 32116 -- William Pitt, 1783 32117 % 32118 Neckties strangle clear thinking. 32119 -- Lin Yutang 32120 % 32121 Needs are a function of what other people have. 32122 % 32123 Negative expectations yield negative results. 32124 Positive expectations yield negative results. 32125 % 32126 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 32127 -- Napoleon 32128 % 32129 Neil Armstrong tripped. 32130 % 32131 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 32132 % 32133 Nemo me impune lacessit 32134 [No one provokes me with impunity] 32135 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 32136 % 32137 nerd pack, n: 32138 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 32139 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 32140 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 32141 in his pack. 32142 % 32143 Neuroses are red, 32144 Melancholia's blue. 32145 I'm schizophrenic, 32146 What are you? 32147 % 32148 Neurotics build castles in the sky, 32149 Psychotics live in them, 32150 And psychiatrists collect the rent. 32151 % 32152 Neutrinos are into physicists. 32153 % 32154 Neutrinos have bad breadth. 32155 % 32156 neutron bomb, n: 32157 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 32158 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 32159 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 32160 % 32161 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 32162 -- Linda Festa 32163 % 32164 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 32165 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 32166 -- Lazarus Long 32167 % 32168 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 32169 % 32170 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 32171 % 32172 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 32173 % 32174 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 32175 % 32176 Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 32177 the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 32178 % 32179 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 32180 -- Anonymous 32181 % 32182 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 32183 % 32184 Never buy from a rich salesman. 32185 -- Goldenstern 32186 % 32187 Never buy what you do not want 32188 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 32189 -- Thomas Jefferson 32190 % 32191 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 32192 % 32193 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 32194 % 32195 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 32196 % 32197 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 32198 % 32199 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 32200 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 32201 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 32202 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 32203 % 32204 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 32205 % 32206 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32207 % 32208 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 32209 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 32210 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 32211 % 32212 Never eat more than you can lift. 32213 -- Miss Piggy 32214 % 32215 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 32216 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 32217 % 32218 Never explain. Your friends do not need it 32219 and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 32220 -- Elbert Hubbard 32221 % 32222 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 32223 -- Marlo Thomas 32224 % 32225 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 32226 % 32227 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 32228 % 32229 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 32230 % 32231 Never give an inch! 32232 % 32233 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 32234 -- Erma Bombeck 32235 % 32236 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 32237 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 32238 % 32239 Never have children, only grandchildren. 32240 -- Gore Vidal 32241 % 32242 Never have so many understood so little about so much. 32243 -- James Burke 32244 % 32245 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 32246 % 32247 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 32248 % 32249 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 32250 -- Billy Rose 32251 % 32252 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 32253 -- Quentin Crisp 32254 % 32255 Never kick a man, unless he's down. 32256 % 32257 Never laugh at live dragons. 32258 -- Bilbo Baggins 32259 % 32260 Never leave anything to chance; 32261 make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 32262 % 32263 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 32264 -- Erma Bombeck 32265 % 32266 Never let someone who says it cannot be done 32267 interrupt the person who is doing it. 32268 % 32269 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 32270 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 32271 % 32272 Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 32273 -- Saint Jerome 32274 % 32275 Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 32276 % 32277 Never make anything simple and efficient when a 32278 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 32279 % 32280 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 32281 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 32282 % 32283 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 32284 % 32285 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 32286 % 32287 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 32288 % 32289 Never promise more than you can perform. 32290 -- Publilius Syrus 32291 % 32292 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 32293 -- D. Gries 32294 % 32295 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 32296 % 32297 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 32298 % 32299 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 32300 unprotected. 32301 -- Robert Orben 32302 % 32303 Never reveal your best argument. 32304 % 32305 Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 32306 % 32307 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 32308 % 32309 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 32310 -- Nelson Algren 32311 % 32312 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 32313 that subject. 32314 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 32315 % 32316 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 32317 % 32318 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 32319 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 32320 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 32321 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 32322 -- Lenny Bruce 32323 % 32324 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 32325 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 32326 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 32327 % 32328 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 32329 -- Steinbach 32330 % 32331 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 32332 % 32333 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 32334 % 32335 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 32336 -- John Dillinger 32337 % 32338 Never trust an operating system. 32339 % 32340 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 32341 % 32342 Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 32343 % 32344 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 32345 sex to a virgin. 32346 -- Robert Heinlein 32347 32348 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 32349 % 32350 Never try to outstubborn a cat. 32351 -- Lazarus Long 32352 % 32353 Never try to teach a pig to sing. 32354 It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 32355 % 32356 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 32357 % 32358 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 32359 % 32360 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 32361 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 32362 % 32363 Never volunteer for anything. 32364 -- Lackland 32365 % 32366 Never worry about theory as long as the 32367 machinery does what it's supposed to do. 32368 -- R.A. Heinlein 32369 % 32370 new, adj: 32371 Different color from previous model. 32372 % 32373 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 32374 % 32375 New England Life, of course. Why? 32376 % 32377 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 32378 % 32379 New members are urgently needed in the Society 32380 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 32381 % 32382 New release: 32383 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 32384 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 32385 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 32386 % 32387 New systems generate new problems. 32388 % 32389 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 32390 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 32391 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 32392 % 32393 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 32394 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 32395 -- David Letterman 32396 % 32397 New York-- to that tall skyline I come 32398 Flyin' in from London to your door 32399 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 32400 Where they say you should not wander after dark. 32401 New York. 32402 -- Simon and Garfunkel 32403 % 32404 New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. 32405 % 32406 Newlan's Truism: 32407 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 32408 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 32409 % 32410 Newman's Discovery: 32411 Your best dreams may not come true; 32412 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 32413 % 32414 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 32415 print the chaff. 32416 -- Adlai Stevenson 32417 % 32418 NEWS FLASH!! 32419 Today the East German pole-vault champion 32420 became the West German pole-vault champion. 32421 % 32422 news: gotcha 32423 % 32424 NEWSFLASH!! 32425 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 32426 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 32427 It was. Age 31. 32428 % 32429 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 32430 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 32431 % 32432 Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 32433 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 32434 % 32435 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 32436 -- Foghorn Leghorn 32437 % 32438 Nice guys don't finish nice. 32439 % 32440 Nice guys finish last. 32441 -- Leo Durocher 32442 % 32443 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 32444 -- Evan Davis 32445 % 32446 Nice guys get sick. 32447 % 32448 Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 32449 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 32450 % 32451 Nietzsche is pietzsche. 32452 % 32453 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 32454 % 32455 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 32456 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 32457 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 32458 % 32459 Nihilism should commence with oneself. 32460 % 32461 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 32462 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 32463 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 32464 but Americans call him by value. 32465 % 32466 Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 32467 Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 32468 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 32469 Three megs for system source; 32470 32471 One disk to rule them all, 32472 One disk to bind them, 32473 One disk to hold the files 32474 And in the darkness grind 'em. 32475 % 32476 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 32477 And tapes without any tracks; 32478 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 32479 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 32480 Take hold of the tape 32481 And pull off the strip, 32482 And then you'll be sure 32483 Your tape drive will skip. 32484 32485 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 32486 % 32487 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 32488 -- Henry Kissinger 32489 % 32490 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 32491 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 32492 that much. 32493 -- Augustine 32494 % 32495 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 32496 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 32497 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 32498 % 32499 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 32500 that be and their friends hang out. 32501 -- Zonker Harris 32502 % 32503 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 32504 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 32505 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 32506 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 32507 % 32508 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 32509 -- Aesop 32510 % 32511 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 32512 % 32513 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 32514 % 32515 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 32516 -- William Blake 32517 % 32518 no brainer: 32519 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 32520 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 32521 % 32522 No character, however upright, is a match for 32523 constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 32524 -- Alexander Hamilton 32525 % 32526 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 32527 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 32528 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 32529 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 32530 % 32531 No directory. 32532 % 32533 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 32534 lectures which are really worth the attending. 32535 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 32536 % 32537 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 32538 on the grounds that it was human nature. 32539 % 32540 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 32541 -- Dr. Who 32542 % 32543 No evil can happen to a good man. 32544 -- Plato 32545 % 32546 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 32547 -- Aristotle 32548 % 32549 No extensible language will be universal. 32550 -- T. Cheatham 32551 % 32552 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 32553 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 32554 -- Landor 32555 % 32556 No good deed goes unpunished. 32557 -- Clare Booth Luce 32558 % 32559 No group of professionals meets except to 32560 conspire against the public at large. 32561 -- Mark Twain 32562 % 32563 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 32564 he will not become a nuisance after three days. 32565 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 32566 % 32567 No guts, no glory. 32568 % 32569 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 32570 until three software guys have signed off for it. 32571 -- Andy Tanenbaum 32572 % 32573 No, his mind is not for rent 32574 To any god or government. 32575 Always hopeful, yet discontent, 32576 He knows changes aren't permanent - 32577 But change is. 32578 % 32579 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 32580 % 32581 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 32582 It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 32583 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 32584 % 32585 No, I don't have a drinking problem. 32586 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 32587 % 32588 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 32589 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 32590 and Telegraph Company. 32591 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 32592 machine, 1943. 32593 % 32594 No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 32595 -- Sidney 32596 % 32597 "No job too big; no fee too big!" 32598 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" 32599 % 32600 No line available at 300 baud. 32601 % 32602 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 32603 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 32604 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 32605 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 32606 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 32607 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 32608 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 32609 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 32610 % 32611 no maintenance: 32612 Impossible to fix. 32613 % 32614 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 32615 interest in hair restorers. 32616 -- Austin O'Malley 32617 % 32618 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 32619 one peanut. 32620 -- Channing Pollock 32621 % 32622 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 32623 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 32624 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 32625 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 32626 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 32627 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 32628 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 32629 % 32630 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 32631 % 32632 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 32633 % 32634 No man is useless who has a friend, 32635 and if we are loved we are indispensable. 32636 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 32637 % 32638 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 32639 -- E.W. Howe 32640 % 32641 No man's ambition has a right to stand in 32642 the way of performing a simple act of justice. 32643 -- John Altgeld 32644 % 32645 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 32646 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 32647 -- Lenin, 1918 32648 % 32649 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 32650 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 32651 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 32652 in the afternoons. 32653 -- Salvador Dali 32654 % 32655 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 32656 % 32657 No matter how much you do you never do enough. 32658 % 32659 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 32660 signs of improvement. 32661 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 32662 % 32663 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 32664 cramp his style. 32665 % 32666 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 32667 % 32668 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 32669 % 32670 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 32671 the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 32672 % 32673 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 32674 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 32675 -- Mr. Dooley 32676 % 32677 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 32678 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 32679 -- Arthur Binstead 32680 % 32681 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 32682 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 32683 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 32684 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 32685 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 32686 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 32687 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 32688 % 32689 No one becomes depraved in a moment. 32690 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 32691 % 32692 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 32693 % 32694 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 32695 dirty little beast. 32696 -- W.S. Gilbert 32697 % 32698 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 32699 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 32700 % 32701 No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 32702 % 32703 No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 32704 % 32705 No one knows like a woman how to say 32706 things that are at once gentle and deep. 32707 -- Hugo 32708 % 32709 No one knows what he can do till he tries. 32710 -- Publilius Syrus 32711 % 32712 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 32713 -- Quintus Ennius 32714 % 32715 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 32716 one who's giving it. 32717 -- Hal Chadwick 32718 % 32719 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 32720 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 32721 % 32722 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 32723 For this isn't really the norm. 32724 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 32725 So what? Any pork in a storm. 32726 32727 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 32728 It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 32729 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 32730 Cast even more perils before swine. 32731 % 32732 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 32733 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 32734 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 32735 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 32736 (refrain) 32737 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 32738 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 32739 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 32740 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 32741 (refrain) 32742 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 32743 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 32744 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 32745 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 32746 (refrain) 32747 Refrain: 32748 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 32749 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 32750 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 32751 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 32752 % 32753 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 32754 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 32755 their wish has been granted. 32756 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 32757 % 32758 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 32759 % 32760 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 32761 % 32762 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 32763 -- C. Schulz 32764 % 32765 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 32766 % 32767 "No program is perfect," 32768 They said with a shrug. 32769 "The customer's happy-- 32770 What's one little bug?" 32771 32772 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 32773 The others went home. As year followed year. 32774 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 32775 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 32776 32777 Night passed into morning. He died at the console 32778 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 32779 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 32780 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 32781 32782 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 32783 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 32784 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 32785 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 32786 -- The Perfect Programmer 32787 % 32788 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 32789 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 32790 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 32791 different from the one identified by the given indication as an 32792 indication-applied occurrence. 32793 -- ALGOL 68 Report 32794 % 32795 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 32796 % 32797 No rock so hard but that a little wave 32798 May beat admission in a thousand years. 32799 -- Tennyson 32800 % 32801 No self-made man ever did such a good job 32802 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 32803 -- Kim Hubbard 32804 % 32805 No skis take rocks like rental skis! 32806 % 32807 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 32808 for that purpose to keep awake all day. 32809 -- Nietzsche 32810 % 32811 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 32812 % 32813 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 32814 Finished his old Raven, 32815 then he started his Old Crow. 32816 % 32817 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 32818 -- Quintus Ennius 32819 % 32820 No spitting on the Bus! 32821 Thank you, The Management. 32822 % 32823 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 32824 -- Richard Nixon 32825 % 32826 No two persons ever read the same book. 32827 -- Edmund Wilson 32828 % 32829 No use getting too involved in life -- 32830 you're only here for a limited time. 32831 % 32832 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 32833 -- Sherlock Holmes 32834 % 32835 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 32836 she will or will not be a mother. 32837 -- Margaret H. Sanger 32838 % 32839 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 32840 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 32841 % 32842 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 32843 him than he deserves. 32844 -- Edgar Watson Howe 32845 % 32846 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 32847 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 32848 % 32849 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 32850 % 32851 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 32852 % 32853 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in 32854 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 32855 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 32856 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 32857 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 32858 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 32859 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 32860 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 32861 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 32862 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 32863 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 32864 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 32865 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 32866 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 32867 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner 32868 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 32869 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 32870 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 32871 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 32872 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 32873 however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 32874 -- Richard Harter 32875 % 32876 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 32877 % 32878 Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 32879 -- Tallulah Bankhead 32880 % 32881 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 32882 % 32883 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 32884 -- Kin Hubbard 32885 % 32886 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 32887 % 32888 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 32889 % 32890 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 32891 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 32892 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 32893 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 32894 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 32895 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 32896 -- Liv Ullman 32897 % 32898 Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 32899 % 32900 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 32901 -- Roy Harper 32902 % 32903 Nobody loves me, 32904 Everybody hates me, 32905 I think I'll go out and eat worms. 32906 I'm gonna cut their heads off, 32907 Eat their insides out, 32908 And throw way the skins. 32909 Big, fat, juicy ones, 32910 Little, skinny, cute ones, 32911 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 32912 % 32913 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 32914 And then it's too late. 32915 % 32916 Nobody shot me. 32917 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 32918 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 32919 Valentine's Day Massacre. 32920 32921 Only Capone kills like that. 32922 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 32923 32924 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 32925 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 32926 % 32927 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 32928 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 32929 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 32930 -- Lewis Lapham 32931 % 32932 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our 32933 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 32934 different. 32935 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 32936 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 32937 % 32938 Nobody wants constructive criticism. 32939 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 32940 % 32941 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 32942 coming in late and lying about it. 32943 % 32944 nohup rm -fr /& 32945 % 32946 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 32947 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 32948 -- Mark Twain 32949 % 32950 nolo contendere: 32951 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 32952 it again." 32953 % 32954 nominal egg: 32955 New Yorkerese for expensive. 32956 % 32957 Noncombatant: 32958 A dead Quaker. 32959 -- Ambrose Bierce 32960 % 32961 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 32962 -- M.J. 0'Donnell 32963 % 32964 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 32965 % 32966 None love the bearer of bad news. 32967 -- Sophocles 32968 % 32969 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 32970 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 32971 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 32972 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 32973 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 32974 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 32975 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 32976 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 32977 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 32978 % 32979 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 32980 -- Heisenberg 32981 % 32982 Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 32983 -- E.M. Forster 32984 % 32985 Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 32986 % 32987 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 32988 intentions. He had money as well. 32989 -- Margaret Thatcher 32990 % 32991 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 32992 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 32993 32994 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 32995 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 32996 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 32997 32998 Coach: How's life, Norm? 32999 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 33000 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 33001 % 33002 Norm: Hey, everybody. 33003 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 33004 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 33005 Norm! (Norman.) 33006 How are you feeling today, Norm? 33007 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 33008 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 33009 33010 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 33011 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 33012 Film at eleven. 33013 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 33014 33015 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 33016 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 33017 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 33018 % 33019 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 33020 33021 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 33022 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 33023 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 33024 33025 Coach: What's up, Normie? 33026 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 33027 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 33028 33029 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 33030 Norm: Going down? 33031 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33032 % 33033 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 33034 33035 Off-screen crowd: Norm! 33036 Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 33037 Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 33038 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 33039 33040 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 33041 Norm: Elope with my wife. 33042 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33043 33044 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 33045 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 33046 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 33047 % 33048 [Norm is angry.] 33049 33050 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 33051 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 33052 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33053 33054 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 33055 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 33056 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 33057 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 33058 33059 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 33060 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 33061 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 33062 % 33063 [Norm returns from the hospital.] 33064 33065 Coach: What's up, Norm? 33066 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 33067 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33068 33069 Sam: What's new, Normie? 33070 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 33071 They're demanding beer. 33072 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 33073 33074 Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 33075 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 33076 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 33077 % 33078 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 33079 Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 33080 All: Anton! 33081 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 33082 33083 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 33084 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' 33085 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 33086 33087 Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 33088 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 33089 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 33090 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 33091 % 33092 Normal times may possibly be over forever. 33093 % 33094 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 33095 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 33096 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 33097 their courses. 33098 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 33099 % 33100 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 33101 % 33102 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 33103 % 33104 Not all men who drink are poets. 33105 Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 33106 % 33107 Not all who own a harp are harpers. 33108 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 33109 % 33110 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 33111 make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 33112 % 33113 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 33114 the capitalist mode of production. 33115 -- Herbert Marcuse 33116 % 33117 Not every question deserves an answer. 33118 % 33119 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 33120 % 33121 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 33122 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 33123 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 33124 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 33125 a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 33126 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 33127 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 33128 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 33129 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... 33130 -- Stanislaw Lem 33131 % 33132 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 33133 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 33134 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 33135 33136 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 33137 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. 33138 % 33139 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 33140 -- Rob Pike 33141 % 33142 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 33143 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 33144 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 33145 % 33146 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 33147 -- Spinoza 33148 % 33149 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 33150 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 33151 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 33152 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 33153 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 33154 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 33155 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 33156 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 33157 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 33158 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 33159 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 33160 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 33161 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 33162 and/or frogs falling from the sky. 33163 % 33164 Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 33165 % 33166 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 33167 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 33168 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 33169 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 33170 not to make any poultry jokes. 33171 -- Woody Allen 33172 % 33173 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 33174 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33175 % 33176 Nothing can be done in one trip. 33177 -- Snider 33178 % 33179 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 33180 % 33181 Nothing endures but change. 33182 -- Heraclitus 33183 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 33184 % 33185 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 33186 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 33187 -- John Keats 33188 % 33189 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 33190 -- Winston Churchill 33191 33192 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 33193 satisfying as an income tax refund. 33194 -- F.J. Raymond 33195 % 33196 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 33197 % 33198 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 33199 % 33200 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 33201 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 33202 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 33203 % 33204 Nothing is but what is not. 33205 % 33206 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 33207 % 33208 Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 33209 33210 To prove this to yourself, try opening the 33211 refrigerator door before the light comes on. 33212 % 33213 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 33214 % 33215 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 33216 -- Andrew Young 33217 % 33218 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 33219 -- A.H. Weiler 33220 % 33221 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 33222 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 33223 -- Nero Wolfe 33224 % 33225 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 33226 % 33227 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 33228 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 33229 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33230 % 33231 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 33232 -- Michel de Montaigne 33233 % 33234 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 33235 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 33236 % 33237 Nothing lasts forever. 33238 Where do I find nothing? 33239 % 33240 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 33241 % 33242 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 33243 Conscience makes egotists of us all. 33244 -- Oscar Wilde 33245 % 33246 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 33247 -- Arthur Balfour 33248 % 33249 Nothing motivates a man more than to 33250 see his boss put in an honest day's work. 33251 % 33252 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 33253 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 33254 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 33255 which can be offered to a personality. 33256 -- Soren Kierkegaard 33257 % 33258 Nothing recedes like success. 33259 -- Walter Winchell 33260 % 33261 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 33262 which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 33263 -- Quentin Crisp 33264 % 33265 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 33266 -- Mark Twain 33267 % 33268 Nothing succeeds like excess. 33269 -- Oscar Wilde 33270 % 33271 Nothing succeeds like success. 33272 -- Alexandre Dumas 33273 % 33274 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 33275 -- Christopher Lascl 33276 % 33277 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 33278 -- Charlie Brown 33279 % 33280 Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33281 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33282 That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33283 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 33284 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 33285 She got from trying to fight 33286 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 33287 [...] 33288 Well nothing that's real is ever for free 33289 And you just have to pay for it sometime. 33290 She said it before, she said it to me, 33291 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 33292 But the same old four imaginary walls 33293 She'd built for livin' inside 33294 I said oh, you just can't mean it. 33295 [...] 33296 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33297 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33298 That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33299 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 33300 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 33301 The veil that covered her eyes, 33302 I said oh, you can leave it. 33303 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 33304 % 33305 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 33306 -- Kim Hubbard 33307 % 33308 Nothing will ever be attempted 33309 if all possible objections must be first overcome. 33310 -- Dr. Johnson 33311 % 33312 NOTICE: 33313 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 33314 be summarily put out. 33315 % 33316 NOTICE: 33317 33318 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 33319 33320 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 33321 % 33322 Nouvelle cuisine, n: 33323 French for "not enough food". 33324 33325 Continental breakfast, n: 33326 English for "not enough food". 33327 33328 Tapas, n: 33329 Spanish for "not enough food". 33330 33331 Dim Sum, n: 33332 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 33333 % 33334 November: 33335 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 33336 % 33337 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 33338 33339 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 33340 not better, just different. 33341 % 33342 Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 33343 % 33344 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 33345 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 33346 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 33347 % 33348 Now I lay me back to sleep. 33349 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 33350 If he should stop before I wake, 33351 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 33352 -- Anonymous 33353 % 33354 Now I lay me down to sleep 33355 I pray the double lock will keep; 33356 May no brick through the window break, 33357 And, no one rob me till I awake. 33358 % 33359 Now I lay me down to sleep, 33360 I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 33361 If I should die before I wake, 33362 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 33363 % 33364 Now I lay me down to study, 33365 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 33366 And if I fail to learn this junk, 33367 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 33368 But if I do, don't pity me at all, 33369 Just lay my bones in the study hall. 33370 Tell my teacher I've done my best, 33371 Then pile my books upon my chest. 33372 % 33373 Now is the time for all good men to come to. 33374 -- Walt Kelly 33375 % 33376 Now is the time for drinking; 33377 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 33378 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33379 % 33380 Now it's time to say goodbye 33381 To all our company... 33382 M-I-C (see you next week!) 33383 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 33384 M-O-U-S-E. 33385 % 33386 Now of my threescore years and ten, 33387 Twenty will not come again, 33388 And take from seventy springs a score, 33389 It leaves me only fifty more. 33390 33391 And since to look at things in bloom 33392 Fifty springs are little room, 33393 About the woodlands I will go 33394 To see the cherry hung with snow. 33395 -- A.E. Housman 33396 % 33397 Now that day wearies me, 33398 My yearning desire 33399 Will receive more kindly, 33400 Like a tired child, the starry night. 33401 33402 Hands, leave off your deeds, 33403 Mind, forget all thoughts; 33404 All of my forces 33405 Yearn only to sink into sleep. 33406 33407 And my soul, unguarded, 33408 Would soar on widespread wings, 33409 To live in night's magical sphere 33410 More profoundly, more variously. 33411 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 33412 % 33413 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 33414 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 33415 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 33416 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 33417 33418 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 33419 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 33420 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 33421 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 33422 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 33423 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 33424 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 33425 33426 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 33427 % 33428 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 33429 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 33430 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... 33431 % 33432 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 33433 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 33434 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 33435 % 33436 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 33437 you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 33438 -- Casey Stengel 33439 % 33440 Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 33441 over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 33442 the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 33443 public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 33444 emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 33445 befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 33446 melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 33447 because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 33448 reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 33449 Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 33450 reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 33451 if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 33452 tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 33453 you should shop quickly. 33454 -- Dave Barry 33455 % 33456 Nowlan's Theory: 33457 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 33458 the next freeway exit. 33459 % 33460 Now's the time to have some big ideas 33461 Now's the time to make some firm decisions 33462 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 33463 Talking politics and nuclear fission 33464 We see him and he's all washed up -- 33465 Moving on into the body of a beetle 33466 Getting ready for a long long crawl 33467 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 33468 33469 Death and Money make their point once more 33470 In the shape of Philosophical assassins 33471 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 33472 Deadly angels for reality and passion 33473 Have the courage of the here and now 33474 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 33475 When you think you got it paid in full 33476 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 33477 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33478 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 33479 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33480 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 33481 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" 33482 % 33483 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 33484 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 33485 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 33486 Times, June 10, 1955. 33487 % 33488 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 33489 -- Edwin Meese III 33490 % 33491 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 33492 normal routines, for children and adults alike. 33493 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 33494 % 33495 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 33496 % 33497 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 33498 % 33499 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 33500 % 33501 (null cookie; hope that's ok) 33502 % 33503 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 33504 -- Seneca 33505 % 33506 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 33507 % 33508 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 33509 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 33510 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 33511 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 33512 % 33513 Nusbaum's Rule: 33514 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 33515 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 33516 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 33517 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 33518 % 33519 O! If I were a fish 33520 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 33521 Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 33522 To be a fish! 33523 33524 For fish don't ever mish; 33525 They needn't flush after they pish! 33526 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 33527 For all the fish!!! 33528 % 33529 O give me a home, 33530 Where the buffalo roam, 33531 Where the deer and the antelope play, 33532 Where seldom is heard 33533 A discouraging word, 33534 'Cause what can an antelope say? 33535 % 33536 O imitators, you slavish herd! 33537 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33538 % 33539 O, it is excellent 33540 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 33541 To use it like a giant. 33542 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 33543 % 33544 O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 33545 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 33546 % 33547 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 33548 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 33549 Might we not smash it to bits 33550 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 33551 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald 33552 % 33553 Oatmeal raisin. 33554 % 33555 Objects are lost only because people 33556 look where they are not rather than where they are. 33557 % 33558 O'Brian's Law: 33559 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 33560 % 33561 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 33562 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 33563 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 33564 "Four." 33565 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 33566 then how many?" 33567 "Four." 33568 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 33569 -- George Orwell 33570 % 33571 Observe yon plumed biped fine. 33572 To activate its captivation, 33573 Deposit on its termination, 33574 A quantity of particles saline. 33575 % 33576 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 33577 % 33578 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 33579 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 33580 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 33581 of the grandstands. 33582 % 33583 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 33584 % 33585 OCCAM'S ERASER: 33586 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 33587 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 33588 % 33589 OCCIDENT: 33590 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 33591 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 33592 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 33593 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 33594 are the principal industries of the Orient. 33595 -- Ambrose Bierce 33596 % 33597 OCEAN: 33598 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 33599 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 33600 % 33601 Odets, where is thy sting? 33602 -- George S. Kaufman 33603 % 33604 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 33605 % 33606 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 33607 to know so much and have control over nothing. 33608 -- Herodotus 33609 % 33610 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 33611 -- Plato 33612 % 33613 Of all the words of witch's doom 33614 There's none so bad as which and whom. 33615 The man who kills both which and whom 33616 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 33617 -- Fletcher Knebel 33618 % 33619 Of all things man is the measure. 33620 -- Protagoras 33621 % 33622 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 33623 husband and wife. 33624 % 33625 Of course it's possible to love a human being 33626 if you don't know them too well. 33627 -- Charles Bukowski 33628 % 33629 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 33630 tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 33631 -- Crazy Nigel 33632 % 33633 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 33634 % 33635 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 33636 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 33637 % 33638 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 33639 % 33640 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 33641 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 33642 % 33643 Office Automation: 33644 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 33645 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 33646 % 33647 Official Project Stages: 33648 1. Uncritical Acceptance 33649 2. Wild Enthusiasm 33650 3. Dejected Disillusionment 33651 4. Total Confusion 33652 5. Search for the Guilty 33653 6. Punishment of the Innocent 33654 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 33655 % 33656 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 33657 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 33658 % 33659 Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 33660 % 33661 Ogden's Law: 33662 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 33663 % 33664 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 33665 % 33666 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 33667 -- Pink Floyd 33668 % 33669 Oh don't the days seem lank and long 33670 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 33671 And isn't your life extremely flat 33672 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 33673 % 33674 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 33675 They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 33676 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 33677 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 33678 33679 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 33680 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 33681 "Now listen my son, although you're confused, 33682 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 33683 33684 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 33685 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 33686 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 33687 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 33688 33689 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 33690 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 33691 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 33692 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 33693 % 33694 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 33695 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 33696 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 33697 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 33698 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 33699 see if I don't. 33700 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 33701 % 33702 Oh, give me a home, 33703 Where the buffalo roam, 33704 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 33705 % 33706 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 33707 Where the three-body problem is solved, 33708 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 33709 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 33710 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, 33711 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 33712 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 33713 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 33714 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 33715 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 33716 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 33717 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 33718 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 33719 And living up here is a bore. 33720 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 33721 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 33722 33723 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 33724 Where the space debris always collects, 33725 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 33726 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 33727 -- to Home on the Range 33728 % 33729 Oh give me your pity! 33730 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 33731 Which means that from morning And contend and defend 33732 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 33733 33734 We confer and concur, 33735 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 33736 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 33737 And consider a load of reports. 33738 33739 We compose and propose, 33740 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 33741 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 33742 There's terribly little gets done. 33743 33744 We resolve and absolve; 33745 But we never dissolve, 33746 Since it's out of the question for us 33747 To bring our committee 33748 To end like this ditty, 33749 Which stops with a period, thus. 33750 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 33751 % 33752 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 33753 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 33754 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 33755 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 33756 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 33757 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 33758 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 33759 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 33760 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 33761 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 33762 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 33763 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 33764 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 33765 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 33766 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 33767 % 33768 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 33769 I muck with indices and structs all day 33770 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 33771 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 33772 % 33773 Oh, I am just a typical American boy 33774 From a typical American town. 33775 I believe in God and Senator Dodd 33776 And keeping old Castro down. 33777 And when it came my time to serve 33778 I knew better dead than red, 33779 But when I got to my old draft board, 33780 Buddy this is what I said: 33781 33782 Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 33783 And I always carry a purse; 33784 I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 33785 And my asthma's getting worse. 33786 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 33787 And my poor old invalid aunt; 33788 Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 33789 And I'm working in a defense plant. 33790 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 33791 % 33792 Oh, I could while away the hours, 33793 Smoking herbs and flowers, 33794 Shooting up my veins, 33795 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 33796 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 33797 I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 33798 If I dealt in good cocaine. 33799 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" 33800 % 33801 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 33802 be irresponsible, too. 33803 -- Lichty & Wagner 33804 % 33805 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 33806 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 33807 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 33808 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 33809 You have not dreamed of -- 33810 Wheeled and soared and swung 33811 High in the sunlit silence. 33812 Hovering there 33813 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 33814 My eager craft through footless halls of air. 33815 Up, up along delirious, burning blue 33816 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 33817 Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 33818 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 33819 The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 33820 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 33821 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 33822 % 33823 Oh I'm just a typical American boy 33824 From a typical American town. 33825 I believe in God and Senator Dodd 33826 And keeping old Castro down. 33827 And when it came my time to serve 33828 I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 33829 But when I got to my old draft board, 33830 Buddy, this is what I said: 33831 33832 Chorus: 33833 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 33834 And I always carry a purse! 33835 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 33836 And my asthma's getting worse! 33837 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 33838 And my poor old invalid aunt! 33839 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 33840 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 33841 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 33842 % 33843 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 33844 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 33845 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 33846 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 33847 % 33848 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 33849 arch-enemy -- and that is life. 33850 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 33851 % 33852 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 33853 it's what you do with what you have left. 33854 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 33855 % 33856 Oh, so there you are! 33857 % 33858 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 33859 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 33860 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 33861 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 33862 -- The Smothers Brothers 33863 % 33864 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 33865 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 33866 % 33867 Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 33868 Born under one law, to another bound. 33869 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 33870 % 33871 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 33872 % 33873 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 33874 -- Shakespeare 33875 % 33876 Oh, when I was in love with you, 33877 Then I was clean and brave, 33878 And miles around the wonder grew 33879 How well did I behave. 33880 33881 And now the fancy passes by, 33882 And nothing will remain, 33883 And miles around they'll say that I 33884 Am quite myself again. 33885 -- A.E. Housman 33886 % 33887 Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 33888 % 33889 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 33890 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray 33891 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 33892 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 33893 % 33894 Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 33895 % 33896 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 33897 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 33898 % 33899 O.K., fine. 33900 % 33901 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 33902 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 33903 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 33904 the code over again, since I also removed the source. 33905 % 33906 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 33907 % 33908 Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 33909 -- B. Baruch 33910 % 33911 Old age is the harbor of all ills. 33912 -- Bion 33913 % 33914 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 33915 -- Trotsky 33916 % 33917 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 33918 % 33919 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 33920 % 33921 Old Japanese proverb: 33922 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 33923 and those who climb it twice. 33924 % 33925 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 33926 % 33927 Old mail has arrived. 33928 % 33929 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 33930 themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 33931 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 33932 % 33933 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 33934 To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 33935 When she got there, the cupboard was bare 33936 And so was her daughter, I guess... 33937 % 33938 Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 33939 % 33940 Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 33941 % 33942 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 33943 % 33944 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 33945 % 33946 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 33947 % 33948 Old timer, n: 33949 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 33950 % 33951 Oliver's Law: 33952 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 33953 % 33954 omnibiblious, adj.: 33955 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 33956 I'm omnibiblious." 33957 % 33958 On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 33959 % 33960 On a clear disk you can seek forever. 33961 -- P. Denning 33962 % 33963 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 33964 33965 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 33966 -- Wolfgang Pauli 33967 % 33968 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 33969 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 33970 33971 [One is always a little afraid of love, but 33972 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 33973 % 33974 On ability: 33975 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 33976 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 33977 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 33978 % 33979 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 33980 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 33981 what it does. 33982 -- Will Rogers 33983 % 33984 On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 33985 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 33986 what it does. 33987 -- The Best of Will Rogers 33988 % 33989 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 33990 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 33991 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 33992 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 33993 you come any closer." 33994 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 33995 explained. 33996 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 33997 decapitation." 33998 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 33999 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 34000 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 34001 taller." 34002 % 34003 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 34004 proposition that all men are created jerks. 34005 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 34006 % 34007 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 34008 same moment -- halftime. 34009 % 34010 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 34011 % 34012 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 34013 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 34014 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 34015 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 34016 % 34017 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without 34018 a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34019 % 34020 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 34021 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph 34022 % 34023 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 34024 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 34025 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 34026 ideas that could provoke such a question. 34027 -- Charles Babbage 34028 % 34029 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 34030 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 34031 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 34032 % 34033 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 34034 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34035 % 34036 Once, adv.: Enough. 34037 % 34038 Once again dread deed is done. 34039 Canon sleeps, 34040 his all-knowing eye shaded 34041 to human chance and circumstance. 34042 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 34043 but Canon's sleep is troubled. 34044 34045 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 34046 Impatient hands wait eagerly 34047 to grasp, to hold 34048 scant moments of time 34049 wrested from life in the full 34050 glory of Canon's power; 34051 held captive by his unblinking eye. 34052 34053 Three golden orbs stand watch; 34054 one each to toll the day, hour, minute 34055 until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 34056 When that feared moment arrives, 34057 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 34058 It tolls for thee." 34059 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 34060 Valley Pawn Shop today" 34061 % 34062 Once Again From the Top 34063 34064 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 34065 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 34066 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 34067 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 34068 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 34069 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 34070 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 34071 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 34072 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 34073 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 34074 The Herald regrets the errors." 34075 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 34076 % 34077 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each 34078 of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 34079 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 34080 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and 34081 went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing 34082 each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" 34083 or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 34084 ... 34085 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 34086 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 34087 have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 34088 they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 34089 children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 34090 that ought to shut them up. 34091 -- Dave Barry 34092 % 34093 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, 34094 that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli 34095 replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your 34096 mistress". 34097 % 34098 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 34099 -- Homer 34100 % 34101 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 34102 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 34103 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 34104 the railroad yards." 34105 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 34106 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 34107 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 34108 % 34109 Once I finally figured out all of life's 34110 answers, they changed the questions. 34111 % 34112 Once, I read that a man be never stronger 34113 than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 34114 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 34115 % 34116 Once is happenstance, 34117 Twice is coincidence, 34118 Three times is enemy action. 34119 -- Auric Goldfinger 34120 % 34121 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 34122 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 34123 % 34124 Once Law was sitting on the bench 34125 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 34126 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 34127 Nor come before me creeping. 34128 Upon your knees if you appear, 34129 'Tis plain you have no standing here." 34130 34131 Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 34132 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 34133 "Amica curiae," she replied -- 34134 "Friend of the court, so please you." 34135 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 34136 I never saw your face before!" 34137 % 34138 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 34139 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 34140 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 34141 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 34142 -- Rainer Rilke 34143 % 34144 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 34145 -- H.R. Haldeman 34146 % 34147 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 34148 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 34149 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 34150 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 34151 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 34152 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 34153 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 34154 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 34155 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 34156 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 34157 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 34158 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 34159 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 34160 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 34161 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 34162 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 34163 When the day is done and the moon comes out, 34164 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 34165 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 34166 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 34167 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 34168 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 34169 % 34170 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 34171 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 34172 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 34173 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 34174 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 34175 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 34176 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 34177 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 34178 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 34179 % 34180 Once upon a time there... 34181 % 34182 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 34183 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 34184 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 34185 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 34186 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 34187 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 34188 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 34189 possession. And the moral of the story is: 34190 34191 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 34192 hit you. 34193 % 34194 Once upon this midnight incoherent, 34195 While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 34196 Over many a broken and subordinate 34197 Volume of gnarly lore, 34198 While I pestered, nearly singing, 34199 Suddenly there came a hewing, 34200 As of someone profusely skulking, 34201 Skulking at my chamber door. 34202 % 34203 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 34204 % 34205 Once you've tried to change the world you find 34206 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 34207 % 34208 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 34209 % 34210 One Bell System - it sometimes works. 34211 % 34212 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 34213 % 34214 One Bell System - it works. 34215 % 34216 One big pile is better than two little piles. 34217 -- Arlo Guthrie 34218 % 34219 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 34220 -- Helen Keller 34221 % 34222 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 34223 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 34224 -- J. Gustav White 34225 % 34226 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 34227 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 34228 % 34229 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 34230 % 34231 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 34232 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 34233 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 34234 just stupid. 34235 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 34236 % 34237 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 34238 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. 34239 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 34240 releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 34241 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 34242 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 34243 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 34244 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 34245 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 34246 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 34247 and march back home." 34248 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 34249 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 34250 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 34251 to Poland three times and never invade?" 34252 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 34253 % 34254 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 34255 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 34256 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 34257 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 34258 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 34259 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 34260 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 34261 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 34262 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 34263 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 34264 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 34265 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 34266 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 34267 just jumped out with my knapsack." 34268 % 34269 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 34270 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 34271 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 34272 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 34273 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 34274 is death by hanging." 34275 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 34276 "I don't believe you." 34277 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 34278 "But that would make it the truth!" 34279 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 34280 % 34281 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 34282 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 34283 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 34284 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 34285 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 34286 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 34287 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 34288 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 34289 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 34290 there a number of details to be figured out. 34291 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 34292 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 34293 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 34294 track." 34295 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 34296 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 34297 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 34298 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 34299 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 34300 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 34301 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 34302 harmonic motion..." 34303 % 34304 One day, 34305 A mad meta-poet, 34306 With nothing to say, 34307 Wrote a mad meta-poem 34308 That started: "One day, 34309 A mad meta-poet, 34310 With nothing to say, 34311 Wrote a mad meta-poem 34312 That started: "One day, 34313 [...] 34314 sort of close". 34315 Were the words that the poet, 34316 Finally chose, 34317 To bring his mad poem, 34318 To some sort of close". 34319 Were the words that the poet, 34320 Finally chose, 34321 To bring his mad poem, 34322 To some sort of close". 34323 % 34324 One difference between a man and a machine 34325 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 34326 % 34327 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 34328 -- Larry Gelbart 34329 % 34330 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 34331 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 34332 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 34333 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 34334 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 34335 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 34336 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 34337 been havin' all these years." 34338 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 34339 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 34340 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 34341 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 34342 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 34343 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 34344 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 34345 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 34346 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 34347 % 34348 One expresses well the love he does not feel. 34349 -- J.A. Karr 34350 % 34351 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 34352 % 34353 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 34354 -- George Herbert 34355 % 34356 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 34357 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 34358 a rivalry of aim. 34359 -- Henry Brook Adams 34360 % 34361 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 34362 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 34363 % 34364 One good reason why computers can do more work than 34365 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 34366 % 34367 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 34368 % 34369 One good thing about music, 34370 Well, it helps you feel no pain. 34371 So hit me with music; 34372 Hit me with music now. 34373 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 34374 % 34375 One good turn asketh another. 34376 -- John Heywood 34377 % 34378 One good turn deserves another. 34379 -- Gaius Petronius 34380 % 34381 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 34382 % 34383 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 34384 and end up with the atomic bomb. 34385 -- Marcel Pagnol 34386 % 34387 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 34388 -- Confucius 34389 % 34390 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 34391 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 34392 % 34393 One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 34394 -- Gustave Droz 34395 % 34396 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 34397 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 34398 % 34399 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 34400 % 34401 One man's constant is another man's variable. 34402 -- A.J. Perlis 34403 % 34404 One man's folly is another man's wife. 34405 -- Helen Rowland 34406 % 34407 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 34408 "Supernatural" is a null word. 34409 % 34410 One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 34411 -- George M. Cohan 34412 % 34413 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 34414 % 34415 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 34416 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 34417 -- Clifton Fadiman 34418 % 34419 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 34420 % 34421 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 34422 without laughing. 34423 -- Oscar Wilde 34424 % 34425 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 34426 % 34427 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 34428 % 34429 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 34430 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 34431 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 34432 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 34433 nobody can touch him. 34434 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 34435 % 34436 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 34437 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 34438 mathematics. 34439 -- N. Wiener 34440 % 34441 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 34442 enough to give you presents they make at school. 34443 -- Robert Byrne 34444 % 34445 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 34446 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 34447 -- Joyce Carol Oates 34448 % 34449 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 34450 do and always a clever thing to say. 34451 -- Will Durant 34452 % 34453 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 34454 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 34455 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 34456 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 34457 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 34458 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 34459 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 34460 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 34461 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 34462 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 34463 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34464 % 34465 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 34466 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 34467 -- Joe Martin 34468 % 34469 One of the most striking differences between a 34470 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 34471 -- Mark Twain 34472 % 34473 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 34474 need no answer. 34475 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 34476 % 34477 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 34478 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 34479 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 34480 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 34481 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 34482 % 34483 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 34484 once had a publisher shot. 34485 -- Siegfried Unseld 34486 % 34487 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 34488 % 34489 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 34490 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 34491 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 34492 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 34493 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 34494 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 34495 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 34496 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 34497 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 34498 % 34499 One organism, one vote. 34500 % 34501 One person's error is another person's data. 34502 % 34503 One picture is worth 128K words. 34504 % 34505 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 34506 -- Chinese proverb 34507 % 34508 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 34509 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 34510 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 34511 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 34512 Go ask Alice Call Alice 34513 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 34514 34515 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 34516 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 34517 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 34518 mushroom backwards 34519 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 34520 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 34521 I think she'll know. Feed your head. 34522 Feed your head. 34523 Feed your head. 34524 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 34525 % 34526 One planet is all you get. 34527 % 34528 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 34529 is that there never was a plan in the first place. 34530 % 34531 One possible reason why things aren't going 34532 according to plan is that there never was a plan. 34533 % 34534 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 34535 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be 34536 installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your 34537 congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how 34538 the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when 34539 he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would 34540 inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the 34541 plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman 34542 proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be 34543 designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") 34544 This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public 34545 would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem 34546 is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 34547 members of congress. 34548 % 34549 One reason why George Washington 34550 Is held in such veneration: 34551 He never blamed his problems 34552 On the former Administration. 34553 -- George O. Ludcke 34554 % 34555 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 34556 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 34557 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 34558 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 34559 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 34560 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 34561 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 34562 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 34563 -- Ronald Reagan 34564 % 34565 One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 34566 % 34567 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 34568 -- Oscar Wilde 34569 % 34570 ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 34571 Doesn't fit anyone. 34572 % 34573 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 34574 % 34575 One thing about the past. 34576 It's likely to last. 34577 -- Ogden Nash 34578 % 34579 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 34580 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 34581 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 34582 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 34583 34584 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 34585 late. 34586 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 34587 % 34588 One thing the inventors can't seem to 34589 get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 34590 % 34591 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 34592 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 34593 terror. 34594 -- W.K. Hartmann 34595 % 34596 One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 34597 % 34598 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 34599 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 34600 going to be out that long." 34601 -- Steven Wright 34602 % 34603 One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 34604 One toke over the line, 34605 Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34606 One toke over the line. 34607 Waitin' for the train that goes home, 34608 Hopin' that the train is on time, 34609 Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34610 One toke over the line. 34611 % 34612 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 34613 % 34614 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 34615 the stake while the votes were being counted. 34616 -- Thomas B. Reed 34617 % 34618 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 34619 because they bite. 34620 -- Vladimir Lenin 34621 % 34622 One-Shot Case Study, n: 34623 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 34624 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 34625 % 34626 On-line: 34627 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 34628 % 34629 Only a fool has no doubts. 34630 % 34631 Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 34632 -- Laurence Peter 34633 % 34634 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 34635 % 34636 Only fools are quoted. 34637 -- Anonymous 34638 % 34639 Only God can make random selections. 34640 % 34641 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 34642 -- Oscar Wilde 34643 34644 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 34645 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 34646 % 34647 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 34648 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 34649 -- Alex Levine 34650 34651 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 34652 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 34653 % 34654 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 34655 to use the editorial "we". 34656 % 34657 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 34658 smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 34659 % 34660 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 34661 -- Baba Ram Dass 34662 % 34663 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 34664 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 34665 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 34666 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 34667 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 34668 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 34669 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 34670 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 34671 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 34672 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 34673 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 34674 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 34675 % 34676 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 34677 -- Hannah Arendt 34678 % 34679 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 34680 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 34681 -- Lao Tsu 34682 % 34683 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 34684 % 34685 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 34686 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 34687 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 34688 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 34689 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 34690 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 34691 -- Sicilian police officer 34692 % 34693 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 34694 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 34695 % 34696 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 34697 % 34698 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 34699 % 34700 Onward through the fog. 34701 % 34702 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 34703 % 34704 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 34705 -- Debbie VanDam 34706 % 34707 Opium is very cheap considering you don't 34708 feel like eating for the next six days. 34709 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 34710 % 34711 Oppernockity tunes but once. 34712 % 34713 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 34714 work, so most people don't recognize them. 34715 % 34716 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 34717 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 34718 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 34719 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 34720 % 34721 Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 34722 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 34723 % 34724 Optimism, n: 34725 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 34726 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 34727 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 34728 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 34729 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 34730 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 34731 % 34732 OPTIMIST: 34733 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 34734 34735 A pessimist asked God for relief. 34736 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 34737 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 34738 would justify them." 34739 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 34740 something -- the mortality of the optimist." 34741 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34742 % 34743 OPTIMIST: 34744 Someone who goes down to the marriage 34745 bureau to see if his license has expired. 34746 % 34747 optimist, n: 34748 A bagpiper with a beeper. 34749 % 34750 Optimization hinders evolution. 34751 % 34752 Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 34753 I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 34754 we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 34755 -- J. Wellington Wells 34756 % 34757 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 34758 -- Germaine Greer 34759 % 34760 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 34761 % 34762 Order and simplification are the first steps toward 34763 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 34764 -- Thomas Mann 34765 % 34766 OREGON: 34767 Eighty billion gallons of water with 34768 no place to go on Saturday night. 34769 % 34770 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 34771 Cleanliness is next to impossible 34772 % 34773 Oreo 34774 % 34775 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 34776 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 34777 -- Mike Adams 34778 % 34779 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 34780 to people you could not have possibly met. 34781 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 34782 % 34783 Osborn's Law: 34784 Variables won't; constants aren't. 34785 % 34786 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 34787 % 34788 Other women cloy 34789 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 34790 Where most she satisfies. 34791 -- Antony and Cleopatra 34792 % 34793 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 34794 % 34795 Others will look to you for stability, 34796 so hide when you bite your nails. 34797 % 34798 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 34799 Murphy was an optimist. 34800 % 34801 Ouch! That felt good! 34802 -- Karen Gordon 34803 % 34804 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 34805 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 34806 34807 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 34808 any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 34809 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 34810 % 34811 Our business in life is not to succeed 34812 but to continue to fail in high spirits. 34813 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 34814 % 34815 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 34816 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash 34817 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 34818 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 34819 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 34820 home-made, hand-held model. 34821 34822 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 34823 to the Pentagon free of charge: 34824 34825 a. Don't kill anybody. 34826 b. Don't build things that do. 34827 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 34828 34829 We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 34830 -- Sojourners 34831 % 34832 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 34833 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 34834 % 34835 Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 34836 He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 34837 holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 34838 *he* had a lollipop. 34839 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 34840 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 34841 what it means to be a programmer." 34842 % 34843 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 34844 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 34845 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 34846 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 34847 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 34848 to have been quite real. 34849 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 34850 % 34851 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 34852 % 34853 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 34854 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 34855 % 34856 Our little systems have their day; 34857 They have their day and cease to be; 34858 They are but broken lights of thee. 34859 -- Tennyson 34860 % 34861 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 34862 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 34863 In kernel as it is in user. 34864 % 34865 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 34866 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 34867 rain, we were punished. 34868 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 34869 % 34870 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 34871 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 34872 % 34873 Our problems are so serious that the best 34874 way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 34875 % 34876 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 34877 We their sons are more worthless than they: 34878 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 34879 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34880 % 34881 Our swords shall play the orators for us. 34882 -- Christopher Marlowe 34883 % 34884 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 34885 In all of the directions it can whiz; 34886 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 34887 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 34888 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 34889 How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 34890 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 34891 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 34892 -- Monty Python 34893 % 34894 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 34895 -- General Omar N. Bradley 34896 % 34897 Ours is a world where people don't know what they 34898 want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 34899 % 34900 Out of sight is out of mind. 34901 -- Arthur Clough 34902 % 34903 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 34904 -- Immanuel Kant 34905 % 34906 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 34907 % 34908 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too 34909 dark to read. 34910 % 34911 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too 34912 dark to read. 34913 -- Groucho Marx 34914 % 34915 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too 34916 dark to read. 34917 -- Groucho Marx 34918 % 34919 Over the shoulder supervision is more a 34920 need of the manager than the programming task. 34921 % 34922 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 34923 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 34924 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 34925 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 34926 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 34927 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 34928 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 34929 system. 34930 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 34931 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 34932 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 34933 % 34934 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 34935 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 34936 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 34937 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 34938 move?' 34939 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 34940 % 34941 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 34942 % 34943 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 34944 % 34945 Overheard: 34946 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 34947 % 34948 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 34949 % 34950 Owe no man any thing... 34951 -- Romans 13:8 34952 % 34953 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 34954 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 34955 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 34956 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 34957 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 34958 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 34959 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 34960 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 34961 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 34962 always fatal. 34963 34964 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 34965 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 34966 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 34967 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 34968 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 34969 34970 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 34971 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 34972 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 34973 in question. 34974 34975 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 34976 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 34977 too late. 34978 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 34979 % 34980 Ozman's Laws: 34981 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 34982 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 34983 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 34984 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 34985 % 34986 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 34987 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 34988 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 34989 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 34990 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 34991 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 34992 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 34993 or as a vegetable. 34994 troopa, n: A state policeman. 34995 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 34996 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 34997 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 34998 % 34999 PAIN: 35000 Falling out of a twenty story building, 35001 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 35002 % 35003 PAIN: 35004 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 35005 % 35006 PAIN: 35007 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 35008 % 35009 Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 35010 % 35011 Pandora's Rule: 35012 Never open a box you didn't close. 35013 % 35014 panic: can't find / 35015 % 35016 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 35017 % 35018 Paprika Measure: 35019 35020 2 dashes == 1smidgen 35021 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 35022 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 35023 2 soupcons == too much paprika 35024 % 35025 Paralysis through analysis. 35026 % 35027 PARANOIA: 35028 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 35029 % 35030 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 35031 % 35032 Paranoia is heightened awareness. 35033 % 35034 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 35035 % 35036 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 35037 Now ... just try to find out where! 35038 % 35039 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 35040 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 35041 -- D.J. Hicks 35042 % 35043 Pardon me while I laugh. 35044 % 35045 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 35046 didn't have much of anything to do with it. 35047 % 35048 Parkinson's Fifth Law: 35049 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 35050 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 35051 % 35052 Parkinson's Fourth Law: 35053 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 35054 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 35055 % 35056 Parsley is gharsley. 35057 -- Ogden Nash 35058 % 35059 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 35060 % 35061 PARTY: 35062 A gathering where you meet people who drink 35063 so much you can't even remember their names. 35064 % 35065 Pascal: 35066 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 35067 in his grave if he knew about it. 35068 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 35069 % 35070 Pascal: 35071 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his 35072 grave if he knew about it. 35073 % 35074 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 35075 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 35076 % 35077 Pascal is not a high-level language. 35078 -- Steven Feiner 35079 % 35080 Pascal Users: 35081 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 35082 Please modify your programs accordingly. 35083 % 35084 Pascal Users: 35085 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 35086 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 35087 % 35088 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 35089 -- Eric Hoffer 35090 % 35091 Password: 35092 % 35093 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 35094 % 35095 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 35096 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 35097 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 35098 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 35099 CREEPING things... 35100 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 35101 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 35102 can get in. 35103 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 35104 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 35105 CATERPILLARS! 35106 [...] 35107 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 35108 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 35109 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 35110 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 35111 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 35112 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 35113 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 35114 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 35115 par for the course, Charlie. 35116 -- Firesign Theatre 35117 % 35118 Patch griefs with proverbs. 35119 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 35120 % 35121 patent: 35122 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 35123 % 35124 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 35125 (crosses stream) 35126 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 35127 -- Eyeore 35128 % 35129 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 35130 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 35131 % 35132 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 35133 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35134 % 35135 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35136 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 35137 35138 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 35139 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 35140 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 35141 -- Ambrose Bierce 35142 35143 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 35144 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 35145 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 35146 35147 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35148 -- Boies Penrose 35149 % 35150 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 35151 -- Oscar Wilde 35152 % 35153 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 35154 -- Gauss 35155 % 35156 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 35157 % 35158 Paulg's Law: 35159 In America, it's not how much an 35160 item costs, it's how much you save. 35161 % 35162 Paul's Law: 35163 You can't fall off the floor. 35164 % 35165 Pause for storage relocation. 35166 % 35167 paycheck: 35168 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 35169 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 35170 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 35171 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 35172 % 35173 Payeen to a Twang 35174 Derrida 35175 Ore-Ida 35176 potato. 35177 35178 If you dared, 35179 I'd ask you 35180 to go dig 35181 up your ides under brown- 35182 tubered skies. 35183 35184 where pitchforked 35185 you will ask 35186 Derrida? 35187 % 35188 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 35189 % 35190 Peace cannot be kept by force; it 35191 can only be achieved by understanding. 35192 -- A. Einstein 35193 % 35194 Peace is much more precious than a piece 35195 of land... let there be no more wars. 35196 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 35197 % 35198 Peace, n: 35199 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 35200 periods of fighting. 35201 -- Ambrose Bierce 35202 % 35203 Peanut Blossoms 35204 35205 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 35206 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 35207 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 35208 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 35209 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 35210 35211 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 35212 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 35213 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 35214 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 35215 % 35216 Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 35217 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 35218 the week that has a "y" in it. 35219 % 35220 pediddel: 35221 A car with only one working headlight. 35222 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35223 % 35224 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 35225 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 35226 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 35227 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 35228 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 35229 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 35230 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 35231 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 35232 What is it?" 35233 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 35234 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 35235 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 35236 to Sax.'" 35237 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35238 % 35239 Peeping Tom: 35240 A window fan. 35241 % 35242 Peers's Law: 35243 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 35244 % 35245 Pelorat sighed. 35246 "I will never understand people." 35247 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 35248 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 35249 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 35250 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 35251 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 35252 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 35253 -- no offense intended." 35254 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 35255 % 35256 Penguin Trivia #46: 35257 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 35258 % 35259 PENGUINICITY!! 35260 % 35261 pension: 35262 A federally insured chain letter. 35263 % 35264 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 35265 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 35266 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 35267 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 35268 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 35269 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 35270 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35271 % 35272 People are always available for work in the past tense. 35273 % 35274 People are beginning to notice you. 35275 Try dressing before you leave the house. 35276 % 35277 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 35278 % 35279 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 35280 % 35281 People don't change; they only become more so. 35282 % 35283 People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, 35284 four times... 35285 % 35286 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 35287 times, four time, five times... 35288 % 35289 People in general do not willingly read 35290 if they have anything else to amuse them. 35291 -- S. Johnson 35292 % 35293 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 35294 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35295 % 35296 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 35297 election. 35298 -- Otto von Bismarck 35299 % 35300 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 35301 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 35302 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35303 % 35304 People often find it easier to be a 35305 result of the past than a cause of the future. 35306 % 35307 People respond to people who respond. 35308 % 35309 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 35310 *know* me there! 35311 -- D.L. Roth 35312 % 35313 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 35314 have been left out on the pleasure. 35315 -- Russell Baker 35316 % 35317 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 35318 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 35319 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 35320 the concentration camps. 35321 % 35322 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 35323 % 35324 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 35325 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 35326 it too. 35327 % 35328 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 35329 -- Ken Kesey 35330 % 35331 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 35332 % 35333 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 35334 much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 35335 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 35336 % 35337 People who claim they don't let little things bother 35338 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 35339 % 35340 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 35341 -- Abigail Van Buren 35342 % 35343 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35344 % 35345 People who have no faults are terrible; 35346 there is no way of taking advantage of them. 35347 % 35348 People who have what they want are very fond of telling 35349 people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 35350 -- Ogden Nash 35351 % 35352 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 35353 % 35354 People who push both buttons should get their wish. 35355 % 35356 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 35357 % 35358 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 35359 cold baths. 35360 % 35361 People who think they know everything 35362 greatly annoy those of us who do. 35363 % 35364 People will accept your ideas much more readily if 35365 you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 35366 % 35367 People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 35368 % 35369 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 35370 % 35371 People's Action Rules: 35372 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 35373 (2) Some people who should, won't. 35374 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 35375 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 35376 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 35377 % 35378 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 35379 -- R.W. Hamming 35380 % 35381 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 35382 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 35383 or 35384 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 35385 -- Aelius Donatus 35386 % 35387 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 35388 % 35389 perfect guest: 35390 One who makes his host feel at home. 35391 % 35392 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 35393 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35394 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35395 % 35396 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything 35397 to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35398 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35399 % 35400 Performance: 35401 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 35402 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 35403 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 35404 % 35405 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 35406 I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 35407 -- Oscar Wilde 35408 % 35409 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 35410 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 35411 -- Thomas Macaulay 35412 % 35413 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 35414 % 35415 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 35416 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 35417 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 35418 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 35419 % 35420 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 35421 being a bore. 35422 -- Cecil Beaton 35423 % 35424 Perilous to all of us are the devices of 35425 an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 35426 -- Gandalf the Grey 35427 % 35428 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 35429 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 35430 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 35431 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 35432 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 35433 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 35434 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 35435 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 35436 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 35437 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 35438 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 35439 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 35440 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 35441 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 35442 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 35443 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 35444 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 35445 developments." 35446 -- Fowler's English Usage 35447 % 35448 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 35449 a merit in political leaders. 35450 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 35451 % 35452 Personifiers of the world, unite! 35453 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35454 -- Bernadette Bosky 35455 % 35456 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35457 % 35458 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 35459 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 35460 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 35461 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 35462 % 35463 pessimist: 35464 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 35465 wolf from the door. 35466 35467 optimist: 35468 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 35469 his pants. 35470 35471 opportunist: 35472 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 35473 % 35474 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 35475 Waiter: Who told you? 35476 Pete: A little swallow. 35477 % 35478 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 35479 % 35480 Peter's Law of Substitution: 35481 Look after the molehills, and the 35482 mountains will look after themselves. 35483 35484 Peter's Principle of Success: 35485 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 35486 35487 Peter's Principle: 35488 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 35489 his incompetence. 35490 % 35491 Peterson's Admonition: 35492 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 35493 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 35494 % 35495 Peterson's Rules: 35496 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 35497 are filled with something sticky. 35498 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 35499 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 35500 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 35501 % 35502 petribar: 35503 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 35504 the window of a vending machine too long. 35505 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 35506 % 35507 Phasers locked on target, Captain. 35508 % 35509 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 35510 because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. 35511 % 35512 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 35513 % 35514 philosophy: 35515 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 35516 % 35517 philosophy: 35518 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 35519 % 35520 Phone call for chucky-pooh. 35521 % 35522 phosflink: 35523 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 35524 will bring it back to life). 35525 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35526 % 35527 Photographing a volcano is just about 35528 the most miserable thing you can do. 35529 -- Robert B. Goodman 35530 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 35531 % 35532 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 35533 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 35534 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 35535 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 35536 % 35537 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 35538 I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 35539 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 35540 She left me not knowing what to do. 35541 35542 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 35543 Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 35544 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 35545 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 35546 35547 Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 35548 I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 35549 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 35550 With knowing I got noone left to blame. 35551 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 35552 35553 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 35554 I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 35555 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 35556 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 35557 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 35558 % 35559 Pickle's Law: 35560 If Congress must do a painful thing, 35561 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 35562 % 35563 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 35564 Not one damn thing do we solve. 35565 -- 1776 35566 % 35567 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 35568 % 35569 Piece of cake! 35570 -- G.S. Koblas 35571 % 35572 pig, n: 35573 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by 35574 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 35575 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 35576 -- Ambrose Bierce 35577 % 35578 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 35579 ruthless in punishing little thieves. 35580 -- Diogenes 35581 % 35582 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 35583 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 35584 % 35585 Piping down the valleys wild, 35586 Piping songs of pleasant glee, 35587 On a cloud I saw a child, 35588 And he laughing said to me: 35589 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 35590 So I piped with merry cheer. 35591 "Piper, pipe that song again;" 35592 So I piped: he wept to hear. 35593 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 35594 % 35595 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 35596 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 35597 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 35598 -- Love and Rockets 35599 % 35600 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 35601 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 35602 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 35603 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 35604 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 35605 small animals. 35606 % 35607 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 35608 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 35609 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 35610 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 35611 get run over by a bus. 35612 % 35613 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 35614 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 35615 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 35616 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 35617 a car. 35618 % 35619 pixel, n: 35620 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 35621 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 35622 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 35623 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 35624 % 35625 P-K4 35626 % 35627 PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more 35628 to the problem set than to the solution set. 35629 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 35630 % 35631 Plagiarize, plagiarize, 35632 Let no man's work evade your eyes, 35633 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 35634 Don't shade your eyes, 35635 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 35636 Only be sure to call it research. 35637 -- Tom Lehrer 35638 % 35639 Planet Claire has pink hair. 35640 All the trees are red. 35641 No one ever dies there. 35642 No one has a head.... 35643 % 35644 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 35645 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 35646 -- Green Lantern Comics 35647 % 35648 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 35649 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 35650 couldn't compete successfully with poets. 35651 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" 35652 % 35653 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 35654 What develops when two people get 35655 tired of making love to each other. 35656 % 35657 Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 35658 % 35659 Please don't put a strain on our friendship 35660 by asking me to do something for you. 35661 % 35662 Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 35663 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 35664 % 35665 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 35666 35667 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 35668 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 35669 % 35670 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 35671 I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 35672 % 35673 Please go away. 35674 % 35675 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 35676 % 35677 Please ignore previous fortune. 35678 % 35679 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 35680 % 35681 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 35682 % 35683 Please remain calm, it's no use both of 35684 us being hysterical at the same time. 35685 % 35686 Please stand for the Nation Anthem: 35687 35688 O Canada 35689 Our home and native land 35690 True patriot love 35691 In all thy sons' command 35692 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 35693 The true north strong and free 35694 From far and wide, O Canada 35695 We stand on guard for thee 35696 God keep our land glorious and free 35697 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35698 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35699 35700 Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35701 % 35702 Please stand for the National Anthem: 35703 35704 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 35705 For we are young and free. 35706 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 35707 Our home is girt by sea. 35708 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 35709 Of beauty rich and rare. 35710 In history's page, let every stage 35711 Advance Australia Fair. 35712 In joyful strains then let us sing, 35713 Advance Australia Fair. 35714 35715 Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35716 % 35717 Please stand for the National Anthem: 35718 35719 God save our Gracious Queen! 35720 Long live our Noble Queen! 35721 God save the Queen! 35722 Send her victorious, 35723 Happy and glorious, 35724 Long to reign o'er us! 35725 God save the Queen! 35726 35727 Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35728 % 35729 Please stand for the National Anthem: 35730 35731 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 35732 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 35733 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 35734 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 35735 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 35736 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 35737 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 35738 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 35739 35740 Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35741 % 35742 Please take note: 35743 % 35744 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 35745 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 35746 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 35747 -- N. Meyrowitz 35748 % 35749 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 35750 % 35751 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 35752 solution set. 35753 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 35754 % 35755 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 35756 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 35757 an uncontainable experience. 35758 -- R.S. Knapp 35759 % 35760 PLUG IT IN!!! 35761 % 35762 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 35763 % 35764 Pohl's law: 35765 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 35766 % 35767 poisoned coffee, n: 35768 Grounds for divorce. 35769 % 35770 Poland has gun control. 35771 % 35772 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 35773 teach children. 35774 -- W.H. Auden 35775 % 35776 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 35777 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 35778 -- Alfred E. Neuman 35779 % 35780 Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 35781 can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 35782 % 35783 POLITICIAN: 35784 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or 35785 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). 35786 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. 35787 -- Martin Pitt 35788 % 35789 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 35790 to build a bridge even where there is no river. 35791 -- Nikita Khrushchev 35792 % 35793 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 35794 -- Arthur C. Clarke 35795 % 35796 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 35797 been, and never will be wrong. 35798 -- Walter Dwight 35799 % 35800 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 35801 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 35802 -- Oscar Ameringer 35803 % 35804 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 35805 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 35806 for politics. 35807 -- Albert Camus 35808 % 35809 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 35810 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 35811 -- Winston Churchill 35812 % 35813 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 35814 systematic organisation of hatreds. 35815 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 35816 % 35817 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 35818 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 35819 % 35820 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 35821 between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 35822 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35823 % 35824 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 35825 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 35826 -- Ronald Reagan 35827 % 35828 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 35829 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 35830 explain why it didn't happen. 35831 -- Winston Churchill 35832 % 35833 Politics, like religion, hold up the 35834 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 35835 -- Thomas Jefferson 35836 % 35837 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 35838 -- Amy Gorin 35839 % 35840 politics, n: 35841 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 35842 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 35843 -- Ambrose Bierce 35844 % 35845 Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 35846 The hyperactive child is never absent. 35847 % 35848 POLYGON: 35849 Dead parrot. 35850 % 35851 Polymer physicists are into chains. 35852 % 35853 Poorman's Rule: 35854 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 35855 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 35856 pull it open. 35857 % 35858 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 35859 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 35860 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 35861 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 35862 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 35863 35864 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 35865 Half a pound of treacle 35866 That's the way the chimney smokes 35867 Pope Goestheveezl 35868 35869 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 35870 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 35871 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 35872 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 35873 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 35874 % 35875 Populus vult decipi. 35876 [The people like to be deceived.] 35877 % 35878 Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 35879 -- Risky Business 35880 % 35881 POSITIVE: 35882 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 35883 % 35884 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 35885 -- Ryan 35886 % 35887 Post proelium, praemium. 35888 [After the battle, the reward.] 35889 % 35890 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 35891 % 35892 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 35893 35894 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 35895 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 35896 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 35897 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 35898 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 35899 35900 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 35901 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 35902 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 35903 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 35904 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 35905 diets that are driving them crazy. 35906 35907 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 35908 Except with sour cream. 35909 % 35910 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 35911 35912 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 35913 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth 35914 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 35915 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 35916 35917 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 35918 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 35919 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 35920 general butter-melting by all. 35921 35922 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 35923 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 35924 % 35925 POVERTY: 35926 An unfortunate state that persists as long 35927 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 35928 % 35929 Poverty begins at home. 35930 % 35931 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 35932 poor people. 35933 -- Don Herold 35934 % 35935 POWER: 35936 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 35937 % 35938 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 35939 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 35940 % 35941 Power is poison. 35942 % 35943 Power is the finest token of affection. 35944 % 35945 Power, like a desolating pestilence, 35946 Pollutes whate'er it touches... 35947 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 35948 % 35949 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 35950 -- Lord Acton 35951 % 35952 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 35953 % 35954 Practical people would be more practical if 35955 they would take a little more time for dreaming. 35956 -- J.P. McEvoy 35957 % 35958 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 35959 -- Henry Adams 35960 % 35961 Practically perfect people never permit 35962 sentiment to muddle their thinking. 35963 -- Mary Poppins 35964 % 35965 Practice is the best of all instructors. 35966 -- Publilius 35967 % 35968 Practice yourself what you preach. 35969 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35970 % 35971 PRAIRIES: 35972 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 35973 % 35974 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 35975 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 35976 % 35977 Praise the sea; on shore remain. 35978 -- John Florio 35979 % 35980 pray, n: 35981 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 35982 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 35983 -- Ambrose Bierce 35984 % 35985 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 35986 -- Russian Proverb 35987 % 35988 Predestination was doomed from the start. 35989 % 35990 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 35991 -- Niels Bohr 35992 % 35993 Prejudice: 35994 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 35995 -- Ambrose Bierce 35996 % 35997 Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 35998 -- D.E. Knuth 35999 % 36000 Preserve the old, but know the new. 36001 % 36002 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 36003 % 36004 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 36005 % 36006 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 36007 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 36008 % 36009 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 36010 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 36011 -- The Washington Post 36012 % 36013 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 36014 % 36015 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 36016 It's on the other side. 36017 % 36018 Price's Advice: 36019 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 36020 % 36021 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 36022 the working man, he loves to see him work. 36023 -- Winston Churchill 36024 % 36025 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 36026 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 36027 -- Winston Churchill 36028 % 36029 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 36030 For having it off with his Mater; 36031 Revenge Dad or not? 36032 That's the gist of the plot, 36033 And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 36034 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 36035 % 36036 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 36037 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 36038 all I know. 36039 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 36040 % 36041 Priority: 36042 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 36043 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 36044 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 36045 badly than someone else. 36046 % 36047 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 36048 -- Blake 36049 % 36050 Prizes are for children. 36051 -- Charles Ives, 36052 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 36053 % 36054 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 36055 % 36056 Probable-Possible, my black hen, 36057 She lays eggs in the Relative When. 36058 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 36059 Because she's unable to postulate How. 36060 -- Frederick Winsor 36061 % 36062 PROBLEM DRINKER: 36063 A man who never buys. 36064 % 36065 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 36066 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 36067 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 36068 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 36069 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 36070 % 36071 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 36072 % 36073 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 36074 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 36075 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 36076 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 36077 % 36078 PROGRAM: 36079 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 36080 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 36081 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 36082 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 36083 % 36084 program, n: 36085 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 36086 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 36087 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 36088 % 36089 Programmers do it bit by bit. 36090 % 36091 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 36092 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 36093 -- D.M. Ritchie 36094 % 36095 Programming Department: 36096 Mistakes made while you wait. 36097 % 36098 Programming is an unnatural act. 36099 % 36100 PROGRESS: 36101 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 36102 invading the body and taking possession of it. 36103 36104 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 36105 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 36106 % 36107 Progress is impossible without change, and those who 36108 cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 36109 -- G.B. Shaw 36110 % 36111 Progress means replacing a theory that 36112 is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 36113 % 36114 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 36115 -- Ogden Nash 36116 % 36117 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 36118 -- James Thurber 36119 % 36120 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 36121 % 36122 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 36123 % 36124 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 36125 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 36126 level where they can't foul up operations. 36127 % 36128 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 36129 % 36130 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 36131 36132 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 36133 techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 36134 36135 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 36136 36137 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 36138 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 36139 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 36140 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 36141 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. 36142 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 36143 % 36144 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 36145 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 36146 [1] Horses have an even number of legs. 36147 [2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 36148 [3] This makes a total of six legs, 36149 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. 36150 [4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 36151 [5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 36152 36153 Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 36154 intimidation, 36155 gesticulation (handwaving), 36156 "try it; it works", 36157 constipation (I was just sitting there and...), 36158 blatant assertion, 36159 changing all the 2's to n's, 36160 mutual consent, 36161 lack of a counterexample, and, 36162 "it stands to reason". 36163 % 36164 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 36165 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 36166 -- Darrell Huff 36167 % 36168 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 36169 -- Publilius Syrus 36170 % 36171 Prototype designs always work. 36172 -- Don Vonada 36173 % 36174 prototype, n. 36175 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 36176 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 36177 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 36178 prototype is not expected to work. 36179 % 36180 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 36181 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 36182 % 36183 Prunes give you a run for your money. 36184 % 36185 Pryor's Observation: 36186 How long you live has nothing to do 36187 with how long you are going to be dead. 36188 % 36189 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 36190 shortcomings. 36191 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 36192 % 36193 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 36194 % 36195 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 36196 a therapy. 36197 -- Karl Kraus 36198 36199 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 36200 36201 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 36202 -- C.G. Jung 36203 % 36204 psychologist, n: 36205 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 36206 into a room. 36207 % 36208 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 36209 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 36210 Biologists think they're biochemists. 36211 Biochemists think they're chemists. 36212 Chemists think they're physical chemists. 36213 Physical chemists think they're physicists. 36214 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 36215 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 36216 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 36217 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 36218 Philosophers think they're gods. 36219 % 36220 Psychology. Mind over matter. 36221 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 36222 Never mind. 36223 % 36224 Public use of any portable music system is a 36225 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 36226 -- Zoso 36227 % 36228 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 36229 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 36230 % 36231 Pudder's Law: 36232 Anything that begins well will end badly. 36233 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 36234 % 36235 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 36236 % 36237 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to 36238 spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate 36239 that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person 36240 on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are 36241 thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other 36242 passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they 36243 have plenty of food and water. 36244 -- Dave Barry 36245 % 36246 PURGE COMPLETE. 36247 % 36248 PURITAN: 36249 Someone who is deathly afraid that 36250 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 36251 % 36252 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 36253 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 36254 % 36255 PURPITATION: 36256 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 36257 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 36258 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 36259 % 36260 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 36261 % 36262 Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 36263 % 36264 Pushing forty is exercise enough. 36265 % 36266 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 36267 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 36268 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 36269 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 36270 of Texas. 36271 % 36272 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 36273 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 36274 % 36275 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 36276 -- Mark Twain 36277 % 36278 Put another password in, 36279 Bomb it out, then try again. 36280 Try to get past logging in, 36281 We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 36282 36283 Try his first wife's maiden name, 36284 This is more than just a game. 36285 It's real fun, but just the same, 36286 It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 36287 % 36288 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 36289 % 36290 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 36291 % 36292 Put your best foot forward. 36293 Or just call in and say you're sick. 36294 % 36295 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 36296 % 36297 Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 36298 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 36299 % 36300 Put your trust in those who are worthy. 36301 % 36302 Putt's Law: 36303 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 36304 Those who understand what they do not manage. 36305 Those who manage what they do not understand. 36306 % 36307 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 36308 % 36309 Q: Are we not men? 36310 A: We are Vaxen. 36311 % 36312 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 36313 A: One per person. 36314 % 36315 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 36316 A: He got re-possessed! 36317 % 36318 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 36319 A: With three more bullets. 36320 % 36321 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 36322 your wife? 36323 A: You have to wait 22 months. 36324 % 36325 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 36326 in a hurricane? 36327 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 36328 % 36329 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 36330 A: When his lips move. 36331 % 36332 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 36333 A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. 36334 36335 Q: But how did he get back down? 36336 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 36337 % 36338 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 36339 A: Unique up on it! 36340 36341 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 36342 A: The tame way! 36343 % 36344 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 36345 % 36346 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 36347 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 36348 % 36349 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 36350 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 36351 % 36352 Q: How do you make an elephant float? 36353 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 36354 % 36355 Q: How do you play religious roulette? 36356 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets 36357 struck by lightning first. 36358 % 36359 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 36360 A: Throw him a rock. 36361 % 36362 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 36363 A: With a blue-elephant gun. 36364 36365 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 36366 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 36367 a blue-elephant gun. 36368 % 36369 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 36370 A: Take away his credit cards. 36371 % 36372 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 36373 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 36374 A: He changes the domain. 36375 % 36376 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 36377 A: She asks them for a commitment. 36378 % 36379 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 36380 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 36381 % 36382 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 36383 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 36384 of license fee (binary only). 36385 % 36386 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36387 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 36388 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 36389 % 36390 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36391 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 36392 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 36393 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 36394 36395 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36396 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 36397 those Californians trying to share the experience. 36398 % 36399 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36400 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 36401 % 36402 Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 36403 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 36404 36405 Q: How long does it take? 36406 A: It's indeterminate. 36407 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 36408 36409 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 36410 A: They replace your generator. 36411 % 36412 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 36413 A: One more than you can find. 36414 % 36415 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 36416 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 36417 36418 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 36419 A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 36420 36421 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 36422 A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 36423 36424 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 36425 A: The door won't shut. 36426 36427 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 36428 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 36429 % 36430 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36431 A: None. We'll fix it in software. 36432 36433 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 36434 A: None. The application can work around it. 36435 36436 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36437 A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 36438 36439 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36440 A: None. The user can figure it out. 36441 % 36442 Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36443 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 36444 % 36445 Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? 36446 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 36447 % 36448 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? 36449 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 36450 % 36451 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 36452 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 36453 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 36454 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 36455 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 36456 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 36457 % 36458 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36459 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 36460 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 36461 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 36462 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 36463 the bulb in the first place. 36464 % 36465 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36466 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 36467 % 36468 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36469 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 36470 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 36471 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 36472 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 36473 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 36474 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 36475 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 36476 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 36477 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 36478 parties. 36479 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 36480 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 36481 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 36482 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 36483 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 36484 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 36485 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 36486 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 36487 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 36488 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 36489 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 36490 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 36491 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 36492 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 36493 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 36494 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 36495 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 36496 % 36497 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36498 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 36499 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 36500 % 36501 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 36502 A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 36503 % 36504 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36505 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 36506 % 36507 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36508 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 36509 to the earlier joke. 36510 % 36511 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 36512 light bulb? 36513 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 36514 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 36515 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 36516 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 36517 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 36518 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 36519 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 36520 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 36521 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 36522 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 36523 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 36524 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 36525 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 36526 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 36527 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 36528 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 36529 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 36530 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 36531 % 36532 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 36533 bulb? 36534 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 36535 witness. 36536 % 36537 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36538 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 36539 out from under him. 36540 % 36541 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 36542 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 36543 to really want to change. 36544 % 36545 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" 36546 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct 36547 the ship out of disgrace." 36548 36549 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for 36550 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's 36551 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 36552 % 36553 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 36554 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 36555 with brightly colored machine tools. 36556 36557 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 36558 % 36559 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36560 A: One. 36561 % 36562 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 36563 A: 2 bits. 36564 % 36565 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 36566 A: 9 edge down. 36567 % 36568 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 36569 and putting wings on an elephant is? 36570 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 36571 % 36572 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 36573 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 36574 bottles into the typewriter. 36575 % 36576 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 36577 What should I do? 36578 36579 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 36580 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 36581 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 36582 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 36583 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 36584 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 36585 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 36586 whole net right away! 36587 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 36588 % 36589 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 36590 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 36591 36592 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 36593 sunglasses? 36594 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 36595 % 36596 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 36597 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 36598 they go down on you. 36599 36600 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 36601 A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 36602 36603 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36604 puzzle in only 6 months? 36605 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36606 % 36607 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 36608 A: The very best person they can possibly be. 36609 % 36610 Q: What do monsters eat? 36611 A: Things. 36612 36613 Q: What do monsters drink? 36614 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 36615 % 36616 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 36617 A: The impossible dream. 36618 % 36619 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? 36620 A: Rule the country. 36621 % 36622 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 36623 A: The same middle name. 36624 % 36625 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 36626 A: A dope ring. 36627 36628 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 36629 A: To cover up the valve stem. 36630 % 36631 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 36632 A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 36633 36634 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 36635 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 36636 % 36637 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 36638 A: A stick. 36639 % 36640 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 36641 A: An interpreter. 36642 36643 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 36644 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 36645 36646 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 36647 A: A wind tunnel. 36648 % 36649 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 36650 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 36651 36652 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 36653 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 36654 % 36655 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, 36656 eating fruit, and singing? 36657 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 36658 % 36659 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 36660 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 36661 % 36662 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 36663 A: A good start. 36664 % 36665 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 36666 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 36667 A: A deep C diva. 36668 % 36669 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 36670 A. A Christian Science Monitor. 36671 % 36672 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 36673 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 36674 A: A failure. 36675 % 36676 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 36677 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 36678 A: A howdah duty. 36679 % 36680 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 36681 sheep bites you? 36682 A: Ewe nicks. 36683 % 36684 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 36685 A: An offer you can't understand. 36686 % 36687 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 36688 A: Hot cross bunnies! 36689 % 36690 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 36691 A: Not enough sand. 36692 % 36693 Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? 36694 A: She goes home. 36695 36696 Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 36697 A: To keep her neck warm. 36698 36699 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 36700 A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 36701 % 36702 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 36703 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 36704 a delicious dessert. 36705 % 36706 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 36707 A: Open other end. 36708 % 36709 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 36710 A: Exploding sheep. 36711 % 36712 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? 36713 A: A dinner party. 36714 % 36715 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 36716 A: Moby Pickle. 36717 % 36718 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 36719 A: Feet. 36720 % 36721 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 36722 A: A ball point carrot. 36723 % 36724 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 36725 A: Open other end. 36726 % 36727 Q: What is purple and commutes? 36728 A: A boolean grape. 36729 % 36730 Q: What is purple and commutes? 36731 A: An Abelian grape. 36732 % 36733 Q: What is purple and concord the world? 36734 A: Alexander the Grape. 36735 % 36736 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 36737 existentialist?" 36738 A: "Is there a dog?" 36739 % 36740 Q: What is the difference between a duck? 36741 A: One leg is both the same. 36742 % 36743 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 36744 A: Yogurt has culture. 36745 % 36746 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 36747 A: Her bowling shoes. 36748 % 36749 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 36750 A: I think I'm drunk. 36751 36752 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 36753 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 36754 36755 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 36756 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 36757 % 36758 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 36759 A: Mu. 36760 % 36761 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 36762 A: A nervous wreck. 36763 % 36764 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 36765 plays like a monkey? 36766 A: Nothing. 36767 % 36768 Q: What's black and white and red all over? 36769 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 36770 % 36771 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 36772 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 36773 % 36774 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 36775 A: A doberman. 36776 % 36777 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 36778 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 36779 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 36780 36781 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 36782 A: Artificial intelligence. 36783 36784 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 36785 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 36786 % 36787 Q. What's the capital of Canada? 36788 A. American. 36789 % 36790 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 36791 lawyer in the road? 36792 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 36793 % 36794 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 36795 A: You can't get down off an elephant. 36796 % 36797 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 36798 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 36799 % 36800 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 36801 A: The moustache. 36802 % 36803 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 36804 A: One more drunk. 36805 % 36806 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 36807 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 36808 % 36809 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 36810 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. 36811 % 36812 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 36813 A: A canary with the super-user password. 36814 % 36815 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 36816 A: Zorn's Lemon. 36817 % 36818 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 36819 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 36820 36821 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 36822 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 36823 % 36824 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 36825 A: Lawn Boy. 36826 % 36827 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 36828 A: Because they're worth it! 36829 % 36830 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 36831 A: Because he was hungry. 36832 % 36833 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 36834 A: To see what was on the other side. 36835 36836 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 36837 A: More head room. 36838 36839 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 36840 A: She opens the car door. 36841 % 36842 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 36843 A: He was giving it last rites. 36844 % 36845 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 36846 A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 36847 36848 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 36849 A: To get to the other slide. 36850 % 36851 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 36852 A: To get to the other slide. 36853 % 36854 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 36855 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. 36856 % 36857 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 36858 A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 36859 % 36860 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 36861 A: Because that was her name. 36862 % 36863 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 36864 A: To get to the middle. 36865 % 36866 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 36867 A: To stamp out forest fires. 36868 36869 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 36870 A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 36871 % 36872 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 36873 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 36874 % 36875 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 36876 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 36877 % 36878 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 36879 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 36880 Oh, right, *of course*! 36881 % 36882 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 36883 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 36884 an eye on the two intellectuals. 36885 % 36886 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 36887 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 36888 A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 36889 % 36890 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 36891 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 36892 36893 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 36894 A: To keep their ankles warm. 36895 36896 Q: How do you kill a blonde? 36897 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 36898 % 36899 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 36900 A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 36901 % 36902 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 36903 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 36904 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 36905 visiting, they always take three. 36906 % 36907 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 36908 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 36909 gets all the credit. 36910 % 36911 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 36912 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 36913 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 36914 % 36915 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 36916 A: It takes too long to retrain them. 36917 36918 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 36919 A: All the blondes have gone home! 36920 36921 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 36922 A: There's white-out on the screen. 36923 % 36924 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 36925 soup in a plate? 36926 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 36927 % 36928 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 36929 A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 36930 % 36931 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 36932 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 36933 % 36934 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 36935 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 36936 % 36937 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 36938 A: The Titanic had a band. 36939 % 36940 QED. 36941 % 36942 QOTD: 36943 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 36944 % 36945 QOTD: 36946 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 36947 % 36948 QOTD: 36949 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 36950 % 36951 QOTD: 36952 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 36953 % 36954 QOTD: 36955 All I want is more than my fair share. 36956 % 36957 QOTD: 36958 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 36959 have to stop and breathe." 36960 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 36961 % 36962 QOTD: 36963 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 36964 % 36965 QOTD: 36966 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 36967 % 36968 QOTD: 36969 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 36970 I go to work." 36971 % 36972 QOTD: 36973 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 36974 save the earth! 36975 % 36976 QOTD: 36977 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 36978 % 36979 QOTD: 36980 "Her other car is a broom." 36981 % 36982 QOTD: 36983 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 36984 her to cook." 36985 % 36986 QOTD: 36987 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 36988 % 36989 QOTD: 36990 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 36991 % 36992 QOTD: 36993 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 36994 % 36995 QOTD: 36996 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." 36997 % 36998 QOTD: 36999 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 37000 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 37001 % 37002 QOTD: 37003 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 37004 % 37005 QOTD: 37006 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 37007 % 37008 QOTD: 37009 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 37010 % 37011 QOTD: 37012 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 37013 % 37014 QOTD: 37015 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 37016 % 37017 QOTD: 37018 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 37019 ball in their court. 37020 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 37021 % 37022 QOTD: 37023 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 37024 didn't work." 37025 % 37026 QOTD: 37027 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 37028 horse with one of the horns broken off." 37029 % 37030 QOTD: 37031 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 37032 % 37033 QOTD: 37034 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 37035 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 37036 % 37037 QOTD: 37038 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 37039 % 37040 QOTD: 37041 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 37042 the lost." 37043 % 37044 QOTD: 37045 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 37046 % 37047 QOTD: 37048 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 37049 % 37050 QOTD: 37051 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 37052 % 37053 QOTD: 37054 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 37055 dog for dinner." 37056 % 37057 QOTD: 37058 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 37059 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 37060 % 37061 QOTD: 37062 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 37063 % 37064 QOTD: 37065 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 37066 % 37067 QOTD: 37068 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 37069 % 37070 QOTD: 37071 If it's too loud, you're too old. 37072 % 37073 QOTD: 37074 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 37075 % 37076 QOTD: 37077 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 37078 % 37079 QOTD: 37080 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 37081 % 37082 QOTD: 37083 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 37084 % 37085 QOTD: 37086 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 37087 % 37088 QOTD: 37089 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 37090 37091 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 37092 % 37093 QOTD: 37094 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 37095 % 37096 QOTD: 37097 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 37098 % 37099 QOTD: 37100 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 37101 % 37102 QOTD: 37103 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 37104 stations anymore." 37105 % 37106 QOTD: 37107 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 37108 hands in his own pockets." 37109 % 37110 QOTD: 37111 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 37112 % 37113 QOTD: 37114 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 37115 % 37116 QOTD: 37117 "It's been Monday all week today." 37118 % 37119 QOTD: 37120 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 37121 % 37122 QOTD: 37123 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 37124 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 37125 % 37126 QOTD: 37127 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 37128 % 37129 QOTD: 37130 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 37131 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 37132 % 37133 QOTD: 37134 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 37135 strike. To make less money." 37136 % 37137 QOTD: 37138 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 37139 all of my stuff." 37140 % 37141 QOTD: 37142 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 37143 % 37144 QOTD: 37145 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 37146 trivial." 37147 % 37148 QOTD: 37149 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 37150 % 37151 QOTD: 37152 "Let's do it." 37153 -- Gary Gilmore 37154 % 37155 QOTD: 37156 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 37157 % 37158 QOTD: 37159 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 37160 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 37161 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 37162 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 37163 % 37164 QOTD: 37165 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 37166 % 37167 QOTD: 37168 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 37169 her husband work." 37170 % 37171 QOTD: 37172 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 37173 % 37174 QOTD: 37175 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 37176 % 37177 QOTD: 37178 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 37179 % 37180 QOTD: 37181 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 37182 a fake?" 37183 % 37184 QOTD: 37185 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 37186 % 37187 QOTD: 37188 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 37189 % 37190 QOTD: 37191 "Our parents were never our age." 37192 % 37193 QOTD: 37194 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 37195 % 37196 QOTD: 37197 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 37198 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 37199 % 37200 QOTD: 37201 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 37202 % 37203 QOTD: 37204 "She's about as smart as bait." 37205 % 37206 QOTD: 37207 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 37208 % 37209 QOTD: 37210 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 37211 % 37212 QOTD: 37213 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 37214 % 37215 QOTD: 37216 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 37217 I do what I get paid to do. 37218 % 37219 QOTD: 37220 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 37221 neck to get the dog to play with it." 37222 % 37223 QOTD: 37224 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 37225 % 37226 QOTD: 37227 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 37228 the snakes have gone away. 37229 % 37230 QOTD: 37231 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 37232 % 37233 QOTD: 37234 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 37235 left." 37236 % 37237 QOTD: 37238 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 37239 % 37240 QOTD: 37241 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 37242 % 37243 QOTD: 37244 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 37245 think he was broken!" 37246 % 37247 QOTD: 37248 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 37249 when I mess things up." 37250 % 37251 QOTD: 37252 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 37253 "baring your neck." 37254 % 37255 QOTD: 37256 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 37257 % 37258 QOTD: 37259 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 37260 % 37261 QOTD: 37262 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 37263 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 37264 % 37265 QOTD: 37266 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 37267 How... tribal." 37268 % 37269 QOTD: 37270 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 37271 % 37272 QOTD: 37273 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 37274 to late to punish. 37275 % 37276 QOTD: 37277 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 37278 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. 37279 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 37280 % 37281 QOTD: 37282 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 37283 -- Kathy Ireland 37284 % 37285 QOTD: 37286 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 37287 % 37288 QOTD: 37289 Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency 37290 on my part. 37291 % 37292 QOTD: 37293 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 37294 % 37295 QOTD: 37296 Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 37297 % 37298 QOTD: 37299 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 37300 gerbil has more dark meat. 37301 % 37302 Quack! 37303 Quack!! Quack!! 37304 % 37305 Quality control: 37306 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 37307 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 37308 % 37309 QUALITY CONTROL: 37310 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 37311 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 37312 % 37313 Quantity is no substitute for quality, 37314 but its the only one we've got. 37315 % 37316 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 37317 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 37318 % 37319 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 37320 % 37321 QUARK: 37322 The sound made by a well bred duck. 37323 % 37324 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 37325 % 37326 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 37327 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 37328 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 37329 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 37330 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 37331 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 37332 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 37333 -- Dennis Miller 37334 % 37335 Question: 37336 Man Invented Alcohol, 37337 God Invented Grass. 37338 Whom do you trust? 37339 % 37340 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 37341 -- Wm. Shakespeare 37342 % 37343 QUESTION AUTHORITY. 37344 37345 (Sez who?) 37346 % 37347 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 37348 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 37349 % 37350 Questionable day. 37351 Ask somebody something. 37352 % 37353 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 37354 -- Oscar Wilde 37355 % 37356 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 37357 % 37358 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. 37359 37360 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 37361 % 37362 Quigley's Law: 37363 Whoever has any authority over you, 37364 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 37365 % 37366 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 37367 -- Robert Orben 37368 % 37369 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 37370 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 37371 % 37372 Qvid me anxivs svm? 37373 % 37374 Radicalism: 37375 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 37376 -- A. Bierce 37377 % 37378 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 37379 READY 37380 >_ 37381 % 37382 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 37383 % 37384 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 37385 -- Albert Einstein 37386 % 37387 rain falls where clouds come 37388 sun shines where clouds go 37389 clouds just come and go 37390 -- Florian Gutzwiller 37391 % 37392 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 37393 % 37394 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 37395 % 37396 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 37397 % 37398 Ralph's Observation: 37399 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 37400 realise that you are in a hurry. 37401 % 37402 RAM wasn't built in a day. 37403 % 37404 Random, n: 37405 as in number, predictable. 37406 as in memory access, unpredictable. 37407 % 37408 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 37409 % 37410 Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 37411 -- Errol Flynn 37412 % 37413 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 37414 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 37415 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 37416 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 37417 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 37418 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 37419 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 37420 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 37421 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 37422 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 37423 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 37424 % 37425 Razors pain you; 37426 Rivers are damp; 37427 Acids stain you; 37428 And drugs cause cramp. 37429 Guns aren't lawful; 37430 Nooses give; 37431 Gas smells awful; 37432 You might as well live. 37433 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 37434 % 37435 Re: Graphics: 37436 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 37437 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 37438 described with pictures. 37439 % 37440 Reach into the thoughts of friends, 37441 And find they do not know your name. 37442 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 37443 And watch the feathers burst the seams. 37444 Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 37445 And feel its chill upon your blood. 37446 Hold a candle to the night, 37447 And see the darkness bend the flame. 37448 Tear the mask of peace from God, 37449 And hear the roar of souls in hell. 37450 Pluck a rose in name of love, 37451 And watch the petals curl and wilt. 37452 Lean upon the western wind, 37453 And know you are alone. 37454 -- Dru Mims 37455 % 37456 Reactor error - core dumped! 37457 % 37458 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 37459 % 37460 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 37461 % 37462 Reagan can't act either. 37463 % 37464 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 37465 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 37466 so poor at I/O. 37467 % 37468 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 37469 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 37470 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 37471 % 37472 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 37473 could they read their mail? 37474 % 37475 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 37476 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 37477 will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 37478 % 37479 Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 37480 find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 37481 implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 37482 still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 37483 % 37484 Real programmers don't document; if it was 37485 hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 37486 % 37487 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 37488 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 37489 good it did them. 37490 % 37491 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 37492 % 37493 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 37494 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 37495 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 37496 spring up in the middle of the machine room. 37497 % 37498 Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 37499 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 37500 % 37501 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 37502 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 37503 % 37504 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 37505 % 37506 Real programs don't eat cache. 37507 % 37508 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 37509 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 37510 % 37511 Real wealth can only increase. 37512 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 37513 % 37514 Real World, The n.: 37515 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be 37516 used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 37517 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to 37518 programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie 37519 and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location 37520 of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's 37521 left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence 37522 there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world 37523 is not unlike talking about a deceased person. 37524 % 37525 Reality -- what a concept! 37526 -- Robin Williams 37527 % 37528 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 37529 % 37530 Reality does not exist - yet. 37531 % 37532 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 37533 % 37534 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 37535 -- Lily Tomlin 37536 % 37537 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 37538 % 37539 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 37540 -- Lily Tomlin 37541 % 37542 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 37543 cannot be fooled. 37544 -- R.P. Feynman 37545 % 37546 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 37547 % 37548 Reappraisal, n: 37549 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 37550 % 37551 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 37552 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 37553 % 37554 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being 37555 flat broke and having a stomach ache. 37556 -- Dolph Sharp 37557 % 37558 Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 37559 % 37560 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 37561 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 37562 -- C.N. Parkinson 37563 % 37564 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 37565 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 37566 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 37567 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 37568 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 37569 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 37570 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 37571 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 37572 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 37573 % 37574 Reception area, n: 37575 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 37576 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 37577 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 37578 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 37579 Cosmopolitan. 37580 % 37581 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 37582 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 37583 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 37584 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 37585 % 37586 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37587 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37588 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37589 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37590 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37591 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37592 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37593 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37594 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37595 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37596 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37597 (8) Add an olive. 37598 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37599 % 37600 Reclaimer, spare that tree! 37601 Take not a single bit! 37602 It used to point to me, 37603 Now I'm protecting it. 37604 It was the reader's CONS 37605 That made it, paired by dot; 37606 Now, GC, for the nonce, 37607 Thou shalt reclaim it not. 37608 % 37609 Recursion is the root of computation 37610 since it trades description for time. 37611 % 37612 Recursion: n. See Recursion. 37613 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 37614 % 37615 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 37616 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 37617 % 37618 Regnant populi. 37619 % 37620 Regression analysis: 37621 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 37622 getting worse. 37623 % 37624 Reichel's Law: 37625 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 37626 an outside force. 37627 % 37628 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 37629 -- Thomas Berger 37630 % 37631 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 37632 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 37633 % 37634 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 37635 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 37636 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 37637 % 37638 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who 37639 has no need to put up a front of any kind. 37640 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 37641 % 37642 Reliable source, n: 37643 The guy you just met. 37644 % 37645 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 37646 -- Anatole France 37647 % 37648 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 37649 % 37650 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 37651 -- Napoleon 37652 % 37653 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 37654 % 37655 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 37656 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 37657 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 37658 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 37659 % 37660 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 37661 % 37662 Remember Darwin; building a better 37663 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 37664 % 37665 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 37666 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 37667 deserts. 37668 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 37669 % 37670 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 37671 -- Jim Samuels 37672 % 37673 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 37674 have an established user base. 37675 % 37676 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 37677 the first one. 37678 -- Confusion 37679 % 37680 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 37681 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 37682 -- Good Morning Vietnam 37683 % 37684 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 37685 that you're the one holding it. 37686 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 37687 % 37688 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 37689 -- Dave Butler 37690 % 37691 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 37692 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 37693 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37694 % 37695 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 37696 -- Hans Liepmann 37697 % 37698 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 37699 it could only be worse in Cleveland. 37700 % 37701 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 37702 % 37703 Remember the... the... uhh..... 37704 % 37705 Remember thee 37706 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 37707 In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 37708 Yea, from the table of my memory 37709 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 37710 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 37711 That youth and observation copied there. 37712 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" 37713 % 37714 Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 37715 % 37716 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 37717 -- Mt. 37718 % 37719 Remember: use logout to logout. 37720 % 37721 Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 37722 -- Chinese proverb 37723 % 37724 Remove me from this land of slaves, 37725 Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 37726 Where every knave and fool is bought, 37727 Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 37728 -- Jonathan Swift 37729 % 37730 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 37731 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 37732 % 37733 Renning's Maxim: 37734 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 37735 % 37736 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 37737 -- Mark Twain 37738 % 37739 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 37740 -- Indiana University footbal cheer 37741 % 37742 Reply hazy, ask again later. 37743 % 37744 Reporter: 37745 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 37746 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 37747 -- Ambrose Bierce 37748 % 37749 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 37750 Yogi Berra: "Closed." 37751 % 37752 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 37753 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 37754 % 37755 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 37756 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 37757 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 37758 % 37759 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 37760 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 37761 37762 Democrats eat the fish they catch. 37763 Republicans hang them on the wall. 37764 37765 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 37766 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 37767 37768 Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 37769 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 37770 37771 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 37772 That is why there are more Democrats. 37773 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 37774 % 37775 Reputation, adj: 37776 What others are not thinking about you. 37777 % 37778 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 37779 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 37780 so you're still a valiant nerd. 37781 % 37782 Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 37783 and think what nobody else has thought. 37784 % 37785 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 37786 -- Wernher von Braun 37787 % 37788 Research, n: 37789 Consider Columbus: 37790 He didn't know where he was going. 37791 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 37792 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 37793 And he did it all on someone else's money. 37794 % 37795 Resisting temptation is easier when you 37796 think you'll probably get another chance later on. 37797 % 37798 Responsibility: 37799 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 37800 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 37801 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 37802 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 37803 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 37804 % 37805 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 37806 actually have a shot at it. 37807 % 37808 Reunite Gondwanaland! 37809 % 37810 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 37811 Bobby: Slow down. 37812 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 37813 Bobby: Slow down. 37814 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 37815 % 37816 Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 37817 % 37818 Revenge is a meal best served cold. 37819 % 37820 Review Questions 37821 37822 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 37823 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 37824 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 37825 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 37826 37827 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 37828 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 37829 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 37830 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 37831 37832 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 37833 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 37834 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 37835 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 37836 % 37837 Revolution, n: 37838 A form of government abroad. 37839 % 37840 Revolution, n: 37841 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 37842 -- Ambrose Bierce 37843 % 37844 revolutionary, adj: 37845 Repackaged. 37846 % 37847 Rhode's Law: 37848 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 37849 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 37850 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 37851 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 37852 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 37853 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 37854 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 37855 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 37856 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 37857 assume otherwise, maybe. 37858 % 37859 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 37860 should be happier than others. 37861 -- Oscar Wilde 37862 % 37863 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 37864 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 37865 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 37866 world. 37867 -- Senator Barry Goldwater 37868 % 37869 Riches cover a multitude of woes. 37870 -- Menander 37871 % 37872 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 37873 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 37874 going on here." 37875 Croupier (handing money to Renault): 37876 "Your winnings, sir." 37877 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 37878 -- Casablanca 37879 % 37880 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 37881 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 37882 % 37883 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 37884 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 37885 rights, which they use or do not use. 37886 -- Lazarus Long 37887 % 37888 Ring around the collar. 37889 % 37890 Ritchie's Rule: 37891 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 37892 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 37893 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 37894 % 37895 Robot, n: 37896 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 37897 % 37898 Robot, n: 37899 University administrator. 37900 % 37901 Robustness, adj: 37902 Never having to say you're sorry. 37903 % 37904 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 37905 Unless the results are known in advance, 37906 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 37907 % 37908 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 37909 become necessary. 37910 -- Edgar Friedenberg 37911 % 37912 Rome was not built in one day. 37913 -- John Heywood 37914 % 37915 Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 37916 % 37917 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 37918 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 37919 Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 37920 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 37921 -- Elvis Costello 37922 % 37923 Roses are red; 37924 Violets are blue. 37925 I'm schizophrenic, 37926 And so am I. 37927 % 37928 Rotten wood cannot be carved. 37929 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 37930 % 37931 Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. 37932 -- Zero Mostel 37933 % 37934 Round Numbers are always false. 37935 -- Samuel Johnson 37936 % 37937 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 37938 % 37939 Rubber bands have snappy endings! 37940 % 37941 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 37942 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 37943 % 37944 Rudd's Discovery: 37945 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 37946 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 37947 stay in Washington and make it there. 37948 % 37949 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 37950 % 37951 Rudin's Law: 37952 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 37953 do it every time. 37954 37955 Rudin's Second Law: 37956 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 37957 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 37958 course. 37959 % 37960 rugby, n: 37961 Elegant violence. 37962 37963 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 37964 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 37965 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 37966 37967 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 37968 % 37969 RUGGED: 37970 Too heavy to lift. 37971 % 37972 Rule #1: 37973 The Boss is always right. 37974 37975 Rule #2: 37976 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 37977 % 37978 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 37979 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 37980 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 37981 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 37982 regain their composure. 37983 % 37984 Rule of Creative Research: 37985 1) Never draw what you can copy. 37986 2) Never copy what you can trace. 37987 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 37988 % 37989 Rule of Defactualization: 37990 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 37991 % 37992 Rule of Feline Frustration: 37993 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 37994 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 37995 bathroom. 37996 % 37997 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 37998 % 37999 Rule of the Great: 38000 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 38001 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 38002 % 38003 Rule the Empire through force. 38004 -- Shogun Tokugawa 38005 % 38006 Rules for driving in New York: 38007 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 38008 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 38009 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 38010 intersection. 38011 % 38012 Rules for Good Grammar #4. 38013 1: Don't use no double negatives. 38014 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 38015 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 38016 4: About them sentence fragments. 38017 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 38018 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 38019 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 38020 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 38021 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 38022 10: Try to not ever split infinitives. 38023 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 38024 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 38025 13: Correct speling is essential. 38026 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 38027 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 38028 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 38029 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 38030 % 38031 Rules for Writers: 38032 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 38033 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 38034 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 38035 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 38036 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 38037 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 38038 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 38039 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 38040 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 38041 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 38042 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 38043 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 38044 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 38045 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 38046 % 38047 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 38048 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 38049 2. Never leave the table hungry. 38050 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 38051 4. Enjoy your food. 38052 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 38053 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 38054 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 38055 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 38056 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 38057 Which feels better against your cheeks? 38058 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 38059 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can 38060 always eat it later. 38061 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 38062 11. Avoid blue food. 38063 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" 38064 % 38065 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 38066 -- Lao Tsu 38067 % 38068 Rune's Rule: 38069 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 38070 % 38071 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 38072 -- John Cameron Swayze 38073 % 38074 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 38075 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 38076 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 38077 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 38078 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 38079 % 38080 Ryan's Law: 38081 Make three correct guesses consecutively 38082 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 38083 % 38084 Sacher's Observation: 38085 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 38086 % 38087 Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 38088 % 38089 SADISM: 38090 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 38091 % 38092 sadoequinecrophilia, n: 38093 Beating a dead horse. 38094 % 38095 Safety Third. 38096 % 38097 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 38098 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 38099 38100 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 38101 bugs, ants. 38102 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 38103 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 38104 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 38105 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 38106 6. People ignore you at parties. 38107 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 38108 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 38109 % 38110 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 38111 38112 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 38113 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 38114 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 38115 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 38116 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 38117 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 38118 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 38119 % 38120 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 38121 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 38122 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of 38123 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at 38124 you a great deal. 38125 % 38126 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 38127 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 38128 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 38129 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 38130 % 38131 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 38132 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 38133 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 38134 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 38135 % 38136 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 38137 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 38138 the ashtray." 38139 % 38140 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 38141 -- Heard on Noahs' ark 38142 % 38143 Sailors in ships, sail on! 38144 Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 38145 % 38146 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 38147 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 38148 % 38149 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 38150 in small amounts over a long period of time. 38151 -- George Carlin 38152 % 38153 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 38154 with me. 38155 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 38156 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 38157 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 38158 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 38159 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 38160 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 38161 uncharted waters here. 38162 -- Sally Forth 38163 % 38164 Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 38165 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 38166 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38167 38168 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 38169 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 38170 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38171 38172 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 38173 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 38174 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38175 % 38176 Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 38177 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 38178 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 38179 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 38180 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 38181 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 38182 38183 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 38184 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 38185 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 38186 38187 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 38188 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 38189 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 38190 % 38191 Sam: What do you say, Norm? 38192 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 38193 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 38194 38195 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 38196 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 38197 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 38198 38199 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 38200 All: Norm! (Norman.) 38201 Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 38202 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 38203 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 38204 % 38205 Sam: What's going on, Normie? 38206 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 38207 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 38208 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 38209 38210 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 38211 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 38212 Found him every couple of blocks. 38213 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 38214 % 38215 Sam: What's new, Norm? 38216 Norm: Most of my wife. 38217 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 38218 38219 Coach: Beer, Norm? 38220 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 38221 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 38222 38223 Coach: What's doing, Norm? 38224 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 38225 to be the guinea pig. 38226 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 38227 % 38228 SAN DIEGO: 38229 Four million people, where you can't get a 38230 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 38231 % 38232 SAN FRANCISCO: 38233 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 38234 % 38235 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 38236 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 38237 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 38238 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 38239 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach 38240 % 38241 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 38242 -- Herb Caen 38243 % 38244 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 38245 % 38246 Sank heaven for leetle curls. 38247 % 38248 Santa Claus is watching! 38249 % 38250 Santa Claus wears a red suit 38251 He's a Communist. 38252 38253 He has long hair and a beard 38254 Must be a pacifist. 38255 38256 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 38257 38258 Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 38259 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 38260 38261 Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 38262 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 38263 % 38264 38265 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 38266 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 38267 38268 38269 \__\_ :. ___/ 38270 ..\ /-- 38271 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 38272 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 38273 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 38274 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 38275 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 38276 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 38277 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 38278 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 38279 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 38280 38281 38282 % 38283 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 38284 % 38285 Satellite Safety Tip #14: 38286 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 38287 % 38288 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 38289 % 38290 Satire is tragedy plus time. 38291 -- Lenny Bruce 38292 % 38293 Satire is what closes in New Haven. 38294 % 38295 Satire is what closes Saturday night. 38296 -- George Kaufman 38297 % 38298 Sattinger's Law: 38299 It works better if you plug it in. 38300 % 38301 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 38302 Is like being nowhere at all, 38303 All through the day how the hours rush by, 38304 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 38305 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 38306 % 38307 Satyrs have more faun. 38308 % 38309 Savage's Law of Expediency: 38310 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 38311 % 38312 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 38313 surprised at how little you have. 38314 -- Ernest Haskins 38315 % 38316 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 38317 % 38318 Save energy: be apathetic. 38319 % 38320 Save gas, don't eat beans. 38321 % 38322 Save gas, don't use the shell. 38323 % 38324 Save the bales! 38325 % 38326 Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 38327 % 38328 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 38329 % 38330 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 38331 Bust in business, lost your wife; 38332 No one cares a cent about you, 38333 You don't care a cent for life; 38334 Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 38335 Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 38336 Why, you've still the sunshine left you 38337 And the big blue sky. 38338 -- R.W. Service 38339 % 38340 Say it with flowers, 38341 Or say it with mink, 38342 But whatever you do, 38343 Don't say it with ink! 38344 -- Jimmie Durante 38345 % 38346 Say many of cameras focused t'us, 38347 Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 38348 No justice, please, curse ye! 38349 We really want mercy: 38350 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 38351 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 38352 % 38353 Say my love is easy had, 38354 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 38355 Say I am too often sad -- 38356 Still behold me at your side. 38357 38358 Say I'm neither brave nor young, 38359 Say I woo and coddle care, 38360 Say the devil touched my tongue, 38361 Still you have my heart to wear. 38362 38363 But say my verses do not scan, 38364 And I get me another man! 38365 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 38366 % 38367 Say no, then negotiate. 38368 -- Helga 38369 % 38370 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 38371 % 38372 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 38373 % 38374 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 38375 -- Ken Thompson 38376 % 38377 SCENARIO: 38378 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 38379 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 38380 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 38381 % 38382 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 38383 % 38384 Scene: 38385 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 38386 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 38387 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 38388 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 38389 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 38390 intently watching him. 38391 38392 Caption: 38393 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 38394 % 38395 Schapiro's Explanation: 38396 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 38397 but that's because they use more manure. 38398 % 38399 Schizophrenia beats being alone. 38400 % 38401 schlattwhapper, n: 38402 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 38403 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 38404 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38405 % 38406 Schmidt's Observation: 38407 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 38408 than a thin person. 38409 % 38410 Science and religion are in full accord but 38411 science and faith are in complete discord. 38412 % 38413 Science Fiction, Double Feature. 38414 Frank has built and lost his creature. 38415 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 38416 The servants gone to a distant planet. 38417 Wo, oh, oh, oh. 38418 At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38419 I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 38420 To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38421 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 38422 % 38423 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 38424 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 38425 is a house. 38426 -- Jules Henri Poincare 38427 % 38428 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 38429 % 38430 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 38431 % 38432 Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 38433 % 38434 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 38435 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 38436 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 38437 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 38438 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 38439 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 38440 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 38441 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 38442 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 38443 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 38444 To seek a shelter in some happier star? 38445 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 38446 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 38447 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 38448 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 38449 % 38450 Scientists still know less about what attracts men 38451 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 38452 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 38453 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 38454 % 38455 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 38456 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 38457 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 38458 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 38459 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 38460 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 38461 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 38462 together. "There is now", came the reply. 38463 % 38464 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 38465 Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 38466 Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 38467 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 38468 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 38469 Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 38470 % 38471 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 38472 % 38473 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 38474 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 38475 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 38476 Scorpio people are murdered. 38477 % 38478 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 38479 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 38480 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 38481 to throw up. Knock it off. 38482 % 38483 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 38484 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 38485 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 38486 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 38487 to win. You never learn. 38488 % 38489 Scott's First Law: 38490 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 38491 38492 Scott's Second Law: 38493 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 38494 to have been wrong in the first place. 38495 Corollary: 38496 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 38497 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 38498 equation. 38499 % 38500 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 38501 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 38502 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 38503 Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 38504 Spock: Affirmative. 38505 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 38506 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 38507 % 38508 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 38509 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 38510 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38511 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 38512 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 38513 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38514 And we've also found Just flip one switch 38515 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 38516 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 38517 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 38518 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 38519 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 38520 The system is going to crash. 38521 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 38522 % 38523 Scratch the disks! 38524 Drop the core! 38525 Roll the tapes across the floor! 38526 % 38527 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 38528 % 38529 SCRIBLINE: 38530 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 38531 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 38532 % 38533 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 38534 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 38535 % 38536 Sears has everything. 38537 % 38538 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 38539 % 38540 Second Law of Business Meetings: 38541 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 38542 will pick the wrong one. 38543 38544 Corollary: 38545 If there is only one way to spell a name, 38546 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 38547 % 38548 Second Law of Final Exams: 38549 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 38550 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 38551 % 38552 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 38553 % 38554 Secretary's Revenge: 38555 Filing almost everything under "the". 38556 % 38557 Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 38558 % 38559 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 38560 [Who guards the Guardians?] 38561 % 38562 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 38563 She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 38564 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 38565 Silently scheming, 38566 Sightlessly seeking 38567 Some savage, spectacular suicide. 38568 -- Stanislaw Lem 38569 % 38570 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 38571 the second one should have seen it. 38572 % 38573 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 38574 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 38575 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 38576 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 38577 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 38578 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 38579 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 38580 % 38581 Seeing is believing. 38582 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 38583 % 38584 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 38585 -- James Thurber 38586 % 38587 Seeing that death, a necessary end, 38588 Will come when it will come. 38589 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 38590 % 38591 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 38592 -- Alfred North Whitehead 38593 % 38594 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 38595 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 38596 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 38597 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 38598 rocks. They all got out of the car: 38599 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 38600 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 38601 into town and have a specialist look at it." 38602 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 38603 in and see if it does it again." 38604 % 38605 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 38606 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 38607 you?". 38608 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 38609 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 38610 you like me to put it on your bill?" 38611 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 38612 % 38613 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 38614 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 38615 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 38616 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 38617 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 38618 dreams!" 38619 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 38620 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 38621 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 38622 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 38623 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 38624 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 38625 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 38626 like when God was working it alone!" 38627 % 38628 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 38629 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 38630 register. 38631 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 38632 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 38633 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 38634 "A few." 38635 "Got any bear bells?" 38636 "What's that?" 38637 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 38638 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 38639 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 38640 country, anyhow?" 38641 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." 38642 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 38643 "Bear bells." 38644 % 38645 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 38646 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 38647 38648 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 38649 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 38650 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 38651 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 38652 % 38653 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 38654 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 38655 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 38656 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 38657 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 38658 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 38659 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 38660 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 38661 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 38662 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 38663 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 38664 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 38665 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 38666 some new underwear. 38667 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 38668 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 38669 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 38670 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 38671 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 38672 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 38673 % 38674 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 38675 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 38676 % 38677 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 38678 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38679 % 38680 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 38681 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 38682 % 38683 semper en excretus 38684 % 38685 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 38686 % 38687 Send some filthy mail. 38688 % 38689 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 38690 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 38691 % 38692 SENILITY: 38693 The state of mind of elderly persons 38694 with whom one happens to disagree. 38695 % 38696 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 38697 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 38698 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 38699 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 38700 % 38701 Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 38702 % 38703 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 38704 -- Graham Greene 38705 % 38706 SERENDIPITY: 38707 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 38708 % 38709 Serfs up! 38710 -- Spartacus 38711 % 38712 Serocki's Stricture: 38713 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 38714 % 38715 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 38716 % 38717 Set the cart before the horse. 38718 -- John Heywood 38719 % 38720 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 38721 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 38722 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 38723 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 38724 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 38725 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 38726 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 38727 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 38728 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 38729 % 38730 Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 38731 Is all my brain and body need. 38732 Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 38733 Are very good indeed. 38734 38735 Take your silly ways, 38736 Throw them out the window, 38737 The wisdom of your ways, 38738 I've been there and I know, 38739 Lots of other ways... 38740 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 38741 % 38742 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 38743 % 38744 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 38745 -- Lewis Grizzard 38746 % 38747 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 38748 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 38749 -- Ian Dury 38750 % 38751 Sex is an emotion in motion. 38752 -- Mae West 38753 % 38754 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 38755 for diet Coke." 38756 -- Malcolm MacDougall 38757 % 38758 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 38759 -- Garrison Keillor 38760 % 38761 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 38762 it's still darn tasty! 38763 % 38764 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 38765 unimportant. 38766 -- Henry Miller 38767 % 38768 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 38769 -- M.C. Reed 38770 % 38771 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 38772 most amount of trouble. 38773 -- John Barrymore 38774 % 38775 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 38776 repeated until infinity. 38777 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 38778 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 38779 1973. 38780 % 38781 Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 38782 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 38783 -- Woody Allen 38784 % 38785 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 38786 how children do not come into the world. 38787 -- Karl Kraus 38788 % 38789 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 38790 % 38791 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 38792 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 38793 -- J.M. Barrie 38794 % 38795 Shame is an improper emotion invented by 38796 pietists to oppress the human race. 38797 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 38798 % 38799 Shannon's Observation 38800 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 38801 that is beginning to improve. 38802 % 38803 share, n: 38804 To give in, endure humiliation. 38805 % 38806 Shaw's Principle: 38807 Build a system that even a fool can use, 38808 and only a fool will want to use it. 38809 % 38810 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 38811 good. 38812 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 38813 % 38814 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 38815 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 38816 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 38817 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 38818 38819 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 38820 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 38821 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 38822 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 38823 % 38824 She asked me, "What's your sign?" 38825 I blinked and answered "Neon," 38826 I thought I'd blow her mind... 38827 % 38828 She been married so many times 38829 she got rice marks all over her face. 38830 -- Tom Waits 38831 % 38832 She blinded me with science! 38833 % 38834 She can kill all your files; 38835 She can freeze with a frown. 38836 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 38837 And she works on her code until ten after three. 38838 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 38839 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 38840 % 38841 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 38842 -- Tommy Manville 38843 % 38844 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 38845 % 38846 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 38847 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 38848 % 38849 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 38850 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 38851 left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 38852 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 38853 involvement in "The Avengers". 38854 % 38855 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 38856 a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 38857 % 38858 She often gave herself very good advice 38859 (though she very seldom followed it). 38860 -- Lewis Carroll 38861 % 38862 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. 38863 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 38864 % 38865 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 38866 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 38867 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 38868 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 38869 % 38870 She sells cshs by the cshore. 38871 % 38872 She stood on the tracks 38873 Waving her arms 38874 Leading me to that third rail shock 38875 Quick as a wink 38876 She changed her mind 38877 38878 She gave me a night 38879 That's all it was 38880 What will it take until I stop 38881 Kidding myself 38882 Wasting my time 38883 38884 There's nothing else I can do 38885 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 38886 I don't want anyone new 38887 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 38888 There's nothing in it for you 38889 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 38890 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 38891 % 38892 She was bred in ol' Kentucky 38893 But she's just a crumb up here 38894 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 38895 With a cauliflower ear 38896 Someday we will be married 38897 And if vegetables become too dear 38898 I'll just cut me a slice of 38899 Her cauliflower ear! 38900 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 38901 % 38902 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 38903 good at being short. 38904 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 38905 % 38906 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 38907 % 38908 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 38909 % 38910 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 38911 % 38912 Shedenhelm's Law: 38913 All trails have more uphill sections 38914 than they have downhill sections. 38915 % 38916 "Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. 38917 % 38918 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 38919 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 38920 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 38921 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 38922 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 38923 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 38924 bad fiction contest. 38925 % 38926 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 38927 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 38928 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 38929 -- Samuel Johnson 38930 % 38931 She's learned to say things with her eyes 38932 that others waste time putting into words. 38933 % 38934 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 38935 % 38936 She's such a kinky girl, 38937 The kind you don't take home to mother. 38938 She will never let your spirits down 38939 Once you get her off the street. 38940 % 38941 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 38942 -- Mae West 38943 % 38944 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 38945 % 38946 Shick's Law: 38947 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 38948 % 38949 Shift to the left, 38950 Shift to the right, 38951 Mask in, mask out, 38952 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 38953 % 38954 SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 38955 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 38956 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 38957 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 38958 % 38959 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 38960 % 38961 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 38962 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 38963 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 38964 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 38965 comments: 38966 38967 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 38968 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 38969 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 38970 38971 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 38972 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 38973 body join her long dead brain. 38974 % 38975 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 38976 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 38977 -- Terry Southern 38978 % 38979 Short people get rained on last. 38980 % 38981 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 38982 -- Martin Mull 38983 % 38984 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 38985 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 38986 -- Leo Durocher 38987 % 38988 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll 38989 show you a man who playing golf with his boss. 38990 % 38991 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 38992 % 38993 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 38994 % 38995 Showing up is 80% of life. 38996 -- Woody Allen 38997 % 38998 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 38999 -- Voltaire 39000 % 39001 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 39002 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 39003 -- Henri Estienne 39004 % 39005 Sic transit gloria Monday! 39006 % 39007 Sic transit gloria mundi. 39008 [So passes away the glory of this world.] 39009 -- Thomas a Kempis 39010 % 39011 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 39012 % 39013 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 39014 % 39015 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 39016 % 39017 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 39018 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 39019 % 39020 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 39021 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 39022 raise bloody hell. 39023 -- Herbert Block 39024 % 39025 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 39026 -- Thomas Carlyle 39027 % 39028 Silence is the only virtue you have left. 39029 % 39030 sillema sillema nika su 39031 [translation: look it up...hint-fin] 39032 % 39033 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39034 % 39035 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 39036 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 39037 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 39038 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 39039 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 39040 intersection in town. BUT! 39041 39042 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39043 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 39044 39045 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 39046 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 39047 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 39048 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 39049 39050 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39051 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 39052 % 39053 Silverman's Law: 39054 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 39055 % 39056 Simon's Law: 39057 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 39058 % 39059 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 39060 % 39061 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 39062 -- Hubert Kirrman 39063 % 39064 Sin boldly. 39065 -- Martin Luther 39066 % 39067 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 39068 % 39069 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 39070 All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 39071 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 39072 -- Lazarus Long 39073 % 39074 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 39075 when others believe him. 39076 -- Charles DeGaulle 39077 % 39078 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 39079 % 39080 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 39081 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 39082 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 39083 % 39084 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 39085 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 39086 burst out in laughter. 39087 -- Long Chen Pa 39088 % 39089 Since I hurt my pendulum 39090 My life is all erratic. 39091 My parrot who was cordial 39092 Is now transmitting static. 39093 The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 39094 The cat keeps doing poo. 39095 The only thing that keeps me sane 39096 Is talking to my shoe. 39097 -- My Shoe 39098 % 39099 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 39100 -- Tom Stoppard 39101 % 39102 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 39103 alive. 39104 -- John Sloan 39105 % 39106 Sink or Swim with Teddy! 39107 % 39108 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 39109 % 39110 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 39111 -- CP30 39112 % 39113 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 39114 I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 39115 -- Winston Churchill 39116 % 39117 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 39118 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 39119 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 39120 39121 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 39122 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 39123 It'll cost you though". 39124 39125 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 39126 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 39127 39128 "An arm and a leg", said God. 39129 39130 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 39131 for a rib?" 39132 % 39133 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 39134 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 39135 gives us modern art. 39136 -- Tom Stoppard 39137 % 39138 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 39139 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 39140 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 39141 should have gotten. 39142 % 39143 skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 39144 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 39145 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 39146 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 39147 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 39148 39149 39150 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 39151 % 39152 Slang is language that takes off its coat, 39153 spits on its hands, and goes to work. 39154 % 39155 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 39156 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 39157 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 39158 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 39159 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 39160 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 39161 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 39162 for deliverance from chains. 39163 -- Frederick Douglass 39164 % 39165 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 39166 -- W.C. Fields 39167 % 39168 Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 39169 % 39170 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 39171 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 39172 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 39173 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 39174 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 39175 attracted to dark objects. 39176 % 39177 Slous' Contention: 39178 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 39179 % 39180 Slow day. 39181 Practice crawling. 39182 % 39183 SLURM: 39184 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 39185 sits in the dish too long. 39186 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39187 % 39188 Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 39189 % 39190 Small is beautiful. 39191 -- Schumacher's Dictum 39192 % 39193 Small things make base men proud. 39194 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 39195 % 39196 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 39197 teacher was in my class for five years. 39198 -- George Burns 39199 % 39200 Smear the road with a runner!! 39201 % 39202 Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 39203 % 39204 Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. 39205 % 39206 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 39207 -- Fran Lebowitz 39208 % 39209 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 39210 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 39211 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 39212 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 39213 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 39214 filed 30 days in advance. 39215 % 39216 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 39217 -- Fletcher Knebel 39218 % 39219 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 39220 % 39221 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 39222 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 39223 % 39224 SNACKTREK: 39225 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 39226 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 39227 have materialized. 39228 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39229 % 39230 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 39231 % 39232 SNAPPY REPARTEE: 39233 What you'd say if you had another chance. 39234 % 39235 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 39236 % 39237 Snow and adolescence are the only problems 39238 that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 39239 % 39240 Snow Day -- stay home. 39241 % 39242 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 39243 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 39244 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 39245 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 39246 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 39247 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 39248 % 39249 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 39250 go to work? 39251 % 39252 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 39253 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 39254 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 39255 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 39256 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 39257 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 39258 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 39259 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 39260 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 39261 % 39262 So far as I can remember, there is not one 39263 word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. 39264 -- Bertrand Russell 39265 % 39266 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 39267 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 39268 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 39269 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 39270 % 39271 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 39272 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 39273 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 39274 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 39275 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 39276 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 39277 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 39278 extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 39279 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 39280 % 39281 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 39282 % 39283 So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 39284 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 39285 % 39286 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 39287 -- Yogi Berra 39288 % 39289 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 39290 large as it needs to be? 39291 % 39292 So little time, so little to do. 39293 -- Oscar Levant 39294 % 39295 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 39296 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 39297 % 39298 So many beautiful women and so little time. 39299 -- John Barrymore 39300 % 39301 So many men and so little time. 39302 % 39303 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 39304 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 39305 % 39306 So many women, and so little time! 39307 % 39308 So many women, so little nerve. 39309 % 39310 So much food, and so little time! 39311 % 39312 So much 39313 depends 39314 upon 39315 a red 39316 39317 wheel 39318 barrow 39319 glazed with 39320 39321 rain 39322 water 39323 beside 39324 the white 39325 chickens. 39326 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 39327 % 39328 So now 39329 that you have- 39330 39331 you know, whoever 39332 39333 you're trying 39334 to do 39335 39336 a favor 39337 for 39338 39339 -you've done it- 39340 39341 and I'm sure 39342 you had 39343 39344 a smirk 39345 on your mouth 39346 39347 as you got me 39348 into this. 39349 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 39350 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 39351 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 39352 % 39353 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; 39354 and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head 39355 into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently 39356 married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand 39357 Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all 39358 fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran 39359 out at the heels of their boots. 39360 -- Samuel Foote 39361 % 39362 So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 39363 and yet it is not; it is but so so. 39364 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 39365 % 39366 So... so you think you can tell 39367 Heaven from Hell? 39368 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 39369 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 39370 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 39371 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 39372 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 39373 Did you exchange 39374 A walk on part in a war 39375 For the lead role in a cage? 39376 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 39377 % 39378 So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 39379 to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 39380 waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 39381 bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 39382 sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 39383 seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 39384 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 39385 very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 39386 say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 39387 Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 39388 of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 39389 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 39390 development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 39391 -- Dave Barry 39392 % 39393 So this it it. We're going to die. 39394 % 39395 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 39396 And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 39397 % 39398 So, you better watch out! 39399 You better not cry! 39400 You better not pout! 39401 I'm telling you why, 39402 Santa Claus is coming, to town. 39403 39404 He knows when you've been sleeping, 39405 He know when you're awake. 39406 He knows if you've been bad or good, 39407 He has ties with the CIA. 39408 So... 39409 % 39410 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 39411 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 39412 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 39413 "Friday, then?" 39414 "Why not, David, it might even be fun." 39415 -- Dating in Minnesota 39416 % 39417 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 39418 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 39419 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 39420 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 39421 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 39422 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 39423 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 39424 % 39425 So you think that money is the root of all evil. 39426 Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 39427 -- Ayn Rand 39428 % 39429 So you're back... about time... 39430 % 39431 Soap and education are not as sudden as a 39432 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 39433 -- Mark Twain 39434 % 39435 SOCIALISM: 39436 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 39437 COMMUNISM: 39438 You have two cows. 39439 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 39440 CAPITALISM: 39441 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 39442 FASCISM: 39443 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 39444 The government sells it. 39445 NAZISM: 39446 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 39447 NEW DEALISM: 39448 The government shoots one cow, 39449 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 39450 ANARCHISM: 39451 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 39452 CONSERVATISM: 39453 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 39454 % 39455 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 39456 like a staff function." 39457 -- Paul Licker 39458 % 39459 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 39460 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 39461 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 39462 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 39463 % 39464 Soldiers who wish to be a hero 39465 Are practically zero, 39466 But those who wish to be civilians, 39467 They run into the millions. 39468 % 39469 Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 39470 -- Kayvan Sylvan 39471 % 39472 Solutions are obvious if one only has the 39473 optical power to observe them over the horizon. 39474 -- K.A. Arsdall 39475 % 39476 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 39477 and some few to be chewed and digested. 39478 -- Francis Bacon 39479 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 39480 % 39481 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 39482 Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 39483 % 39484 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 39485 as when you find a trout in the milk. 39486 -- Thoreau 39487 % 39488 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 39489 % 39490 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 39491 % 39492 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 39493 -- Ed Howe 39494 % 39495 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 39496 places! 39497 -- Mae West 39498 % 39499 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 39500 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 39501 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 39502 % 39503 Some men are discovered; others are found out. 39504 % 39505 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 39506 about sex at all... they become lawyers. 39507 -- Woody Allen 39508 % 39509 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 39510 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 39511 % 39512 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 39513 -- Maureen Murphy 39514 % 39515 Some men feel that the only thing they owe 39516 the woman who marries them is a grudge. 39517 -- Helen Rowland 39518 % 39519 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 39520 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 39521 -- Samuel Butler 39522 % 39523 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 39524 -- Woodie Guthrie 39525 % 39526 Some men who fear that they are playing 39527 second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 39528 % 39529 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 39530 The answer is: I don't know. 39531 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 39532 % 39533 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 39534 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 39535 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 39536 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 39537 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 39538 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 39539 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 39540 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 39541 "lekare". 39542 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 39543 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 39544 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 39545 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 39546 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 39547 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 39548 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 39549 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 39550 he received, shame and wounds." 39551 % 39552 Some of the things that live the longest 39553 in peoples' memories never really happened. 39554 % 39555 Some of them want to use you, 39556 Some of them want to be used by you, 39557 ...Everybody's looking for something. 39558 -- Eurythmics 39559 % 39560 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 39561 -- Gloria Steinem 39562 % 39563 Some parts of the past must be preserved, 39564 and some of the future prevented at all costs. 39565 % 39566 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 39567 -- Stephen Wright 39568 % 39569 Some people around here wouldn't recognize 39570 subtlety if it hit them on the head. 39571 % 39572 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 39573 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 39574 two-dimensional ones. 39575 -- F. Frederick Skitty 39576 % 39577 Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 39578 % 39579 Some people cause happiness wherever 39580 they go; others, whenever they go. 39581 % 39582 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 39583 but at least you only have to climb it once. 39584 % 39585 Some people have a great ambition: to build something 39586 that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 39587 % 39588 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 39589 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 39590 % 39591 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 39592 % 39593 Some people have parts that are so private 39594 they themselves have no knowledge of them. 39595 % 39596 Some people live life in the fast lane. 39597 You're in oncoming traffic. 39598 % 39599 Some people manage by the book, even though they 39600 don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 39601 % 39602 Some people need a good imaginary cure 39603 for their painful imaginary ailment. 39604 % 39605 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 39606 % 39607 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 39608 % 39609 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 39610 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 39611 -- P.J. O'Rourke 39612 % 39613 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 39614 They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 39615 % 39616 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 39617 % 39618 Some say the world will end in fire, 39619 Some say in ice. 39620 From what I've tasted of desire 39621 I hold with those who favor fire. 39622 But if it had to perish twice 39623 I think I know enough of hate 39624 To say that for destruction, ice 39625 Is also great 39626 And would suffice 39627 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 39628 % 39629 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 39630 -- Folk saying 39631 % 39632 Some things have to be believed to be seen. 39633 % 39634 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 39635 -- W.C. Fields 39636 % 39637 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 39638 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 39639 % 39640 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 39641 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 39642 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 39643 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 39644 39645 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 39646 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 39647 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 39648 That don't smell very nice -- 39649 He's nobody's moggy now. 39650 39651 Oh you who love your pussy, 39652 Be sure to keep him in. 39653 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 39654 The truck is bound to win. On the road way 39655 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 39656 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 39657 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 39658 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 39659 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 39660 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 39661 Just red and squashed and soggy -- 39662 He's nobody's moggy now. 39663 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 39664 % 39665 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 39666 I found a pile of them over in the corner. 39667 % 39668 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 39669 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 39670 % 39671 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 39672 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 39673 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 39674 -- Mister Boffo 39675 % 39676 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 39677 -- Evan Davis 39678 % 39679 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 39680 % 39681 Someday your prints will come. 39682 -- Kodak 39683 % 39684 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 39685 when I was passing through satisfaction. 39686 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 39687 % 39688 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 39689 % 39690 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 39691 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 39692 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 39693 -- David Letterman 39694 % 39695 Someone is speaking well of you. 39696 % 39697 Someone is speaking well of you. 39698 How unusual! 39699 % 39700 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 39701 % 39702 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 39703 % 39704 Someone will try to honk your nose today. 39705 % 39706 Something better... 39707 39708 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 39709 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 39710 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 39711 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 39712 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 39713 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 39714 minutes late. 39715 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 39716 own ear. 39717 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 39718 mind putting that thing away. 39719 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 39720 It's what's in it that matters. 39721 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 39722 Seattle. 39723 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 39724 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 39725 changing tempo. 39726 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 39727 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 39728 % 39729 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 39730 -- Benjamin Disraeli 39731 % 39732 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 39733 -- Shakespeare 39734 % 39735 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 39736 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 39737 -- N.V. Plyter 39738 % 39739 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 39740 -- Sigmund Freud 39741 % 39742 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 39743 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 39744 -- Montesquieu 39745 % 39746 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 39747 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 39748 -- Richard M. Nixon 39749 % 39750 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 39751 -- Seneca 39752 % 39753 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 39754 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 39755 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 39756 Either light up or leave me alone. 39757 % 39758 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 39759 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 39760 world. 39761 -- Robert Stone 39762 % 39763 Sometimes I live in the country, 39764 And sometimes I live in town. 39765 And sometimes I have a great notion, 39766 To jump in the river and drown. 39767 % 39768 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 39769 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 39770 % 39771 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 39772 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 39773 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 39774 % 39775 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 39776 -- Lily Tomlin 39777 % 39778 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 39779 -- Repo Man 39780 % 39781 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 39782 % 39783 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 39784 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 39785 me because I am beautiful. 39786 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 39787 % 39788 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 39789 % 39790 Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 39791 Other times I can hardly see. 39792 Lately it occurs to me 39793 What a long strange trip it's been. 39794 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 39795 % 39796 Sometimes, too long is too long. 39797 -- Joe Crowe 39798 % 39799 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 39800 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 39801 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 39802 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 39803 -- Snoopy 39804 % 39805 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 39806 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 39807 -- Andy Capp 39808 % 39809 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 39810 else is driving. 39811 -- David Letterman 39812 % 39813 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 39814 % 39815 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 39816 % 39817 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 39818 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 39819 -- Sam Levenson 39820 % 39821 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 39822 -- Carl Sagan 39823 % 39824 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 39825 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 39826 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 39827 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. 39828 -- Sky Masterson's Father 39829 % 39830 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 39831 (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). 39832 % 39833 Sorry. Nice try. 39834 % 39835 Sorry never means having you're say to love. 39836 % 39837 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 39838 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 39839 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 39840 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 39841 % 39842 Space is to place as eternity is to time. 39843 -- Joseph Joubert 39844 % 39845 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 39846 -- Wheeler 39847 % 39848 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 39849 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 39850 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 39851 -- Captain James T. Kirk 39852 % 39853 SPAGMUMPS: 39854 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 39855 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39856 % 39857 Speak roughly to your little boy, 39858 And beat him when he sneezes: 39859 He only does it to annoy 39860 Because he knows it teases. 39861 39862 Wow! wow! wow! 39863 39864 I speak severely to my boy, 39865 And beat him when he sneezes: 39866 For he can thoroughly enjoy 39867 The pepper when he pleases! 39868 39869 Wow! wow! wow! 39870 % 39871 Speak roughly to your little Vax, 39872 And boot it when it crashes; 39873 It knows that one cannot relax 39874 Because the paging thrashes! 39875 39876 I speak severely to my Vax, 39877 And boot it when it crashes; 39878 In spite of all my favorite hacks, 39879 My jobs it always trashes! 39880 % 39881 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 39882 % 39883 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 39884 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 39885 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 39886 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 39887 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 39888 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 39889 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 39890 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 39891 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 39892 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 39893 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 39894 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 39895 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 39896 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 39897 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 39898 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 39899 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 39900 syllable is thine!" 39901 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 39902 % 39903 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 39904 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 39905 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 39906 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 39907 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 39908 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 39909 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 39910 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 39911 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 39912 % 39913 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 39914 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 39915 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 39916 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 39917 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 39918 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 39919 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 39920 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 39921 % 39922 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 39923 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 39924 % 39925 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 39926 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 39927 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 39928 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 39929 Faculty members especially welcome. 39930 % 39931 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 39932 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 39933 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 39934 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 39935 % 39936 Spence's Admonition: 39937 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 39938 % 39939 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 39940 % 39941 SPINSTER: 39942 A bachelor's wife. 39943 % 39944 SPIRTLE: 39945 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands 39946 right in your eye. 39947 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39948 % 39949 Spock: The odds of surviving another 39950 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 39951 % 39952 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 39953 % 39954 SPOUSE: 39955 Someone who'll stand by you through all the 39956 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 39957 % 39958 Spring is here, spring is here, 39959 Life is skittles and life is beer. 39960 % 39961 SQUATCHO: 39962 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 39963 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39964 % 39965 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 39966 % 39967 St. Patrick was a gentleman 39968 who through strategy and stealth 39969 drove all the snakes from Ireland. 39970 Here's a toasting to his health -- 39971 but not too many toastings 39972 lest you lose yourself and then 39973 forget the good St. Patrick 39974 and see all those snakes again. 39975 % 39976 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 39977 % 39978 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 39979 % 39980 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 39981 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 39982 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 39983 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 39984 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 39985 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 39986 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 39987 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 39988 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 39989 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 39990 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 39991 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 39992 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 39993 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 39994 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 39995 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 39996 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 39997 All it said was: "Write two letters." 39998 % 39999 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 40000 % 40001 Stamp out philately. 40002 % 40003 STANDARDS: 40004 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 40005 % 40006 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 40007 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for 40008 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 40009 -- Chuang Tzu 40010 % 40011 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 40012 % 40013 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 40014 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 40015 % 40016 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 40017 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 40018 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 40019 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 40020 -- Harlan Ellison 40021 % 40022 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 40023 -- W.C. Fields 40024 % 40025 Start the day with a smile. 40026 After that you can be your nasty old self again. 40027 % 40028 State license plates we'd like to see: 40029 40030 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 40031 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 40032 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 40033 40034 HAWAII WISCONSIN 40035 L-O HA CHEDDAR 40036 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 40037 % 40038 State license plates we'd like to see: 40039 40040 ALABAMA ARIZONA 40041 IC1 NOW 120 F 40042 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 40043 40044 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 40045 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 40046 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 40047 40048 TEXAS FLORIDA 40049 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 40050 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 40051 % 40052 State license plates we'd like to see: 40053 40054 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 40055 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 40056 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 40057 40058 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 40059 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 40060 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 40061 40062 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 40063 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 40064 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 40065 MOVIE STATE 40066 % 40067 STATISTICS: 40068 A system for expressing your political 40069 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 40070 % 40071 Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 40072 -- Henry Clay 40073 % 40074 Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 40075 % 40076 Stay away from flying saucers today. 40077 % 40078 Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 40079 % 40080 Stay the curse. 40081 % 40082 Stay together, drag each other down. 40083 % 40084 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 40085 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 40086 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 40087 40088 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 40089 Though we really did try to make it, 40090 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 40091 40092 It used to be so easy living here with you, 40093 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 40094 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 40095 40096 There'll be good times again for me and you, 40097 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 40098 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 40099 40100 But it's too late baby... 40101 It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 40102 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 40103 % 40104 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 40105 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 40106 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 40107 its rate is a matter of discretion. 40108 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 40109 % 40110 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 40111 % 40112 Steckel's Rule to Success: 40113 Good enough is never good enough. 40114 % 40115 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 40116 Everybody should believe in something -- 40117 I believe I'll have another drink. 40118 % 40119 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 40120 Embezzlement is another matter. 40121 % 40122 Stenderup's Law: 40123 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 40124 % 40125 Step back, unbelievers! 40126 Or the rain will never come. 40127 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 40128 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 40129 But I swear to you, before this day is out, 40130 you folks are gonna see some rain! 40131 % 40132 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 40133 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 40134 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 40135 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 40136 very little call for those up there. 40137 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 40138 % 40139 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 40140 Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 40141 % 40142 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 40143 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 40144 % 40145 Stock's Observation: 40146 You no sooner get your head above water 40147 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 40148 % 40149 Stone's Law: 40150 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 40151 % 40152 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 40153 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 40154 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 40155 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 40156 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 40157 on the credulity of human nature. 40158 % 40159 Stop me, before I kill again! 40160 % 40161 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40162 % 40163 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40164 Now, if they'd only take a bath... 40165 % 40166 Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 40167 % 40168 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 40169 % 40170 Strange things are done to be number one 40171 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 40172 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 40173 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 40174 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 40175 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 40176 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 40177 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 40178 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 40179 Would ship for Celtic gold. 40180 The movers came to crate the frame; 40181 It weighed a million ton! 40182 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 40183 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 40184 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 40185 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 40186 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 40187 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 40188 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 40189 Because they couldn't deliver. 40190 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 40191 % 40192 STRATEGY: 40193 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 40194 % 40195 Strategy: 40196 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 40197 after those creating it have left the organization. 40198 % 40199 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 40200 % 40201 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 40202 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 40203 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 40204 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 40205 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 40206 and have a nice day. 40207 % 40208 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 40209 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 40210 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 40211 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 40212 % 40213 Stult's Report: 40214 Our problems are mostly behind us. 40215 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 40216 % 40217 STUPID: 40218 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. 40219 % 40220 Stupidity is its own reward. 40221 % 40222 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 40223 % 40224 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 40225 Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 40226 % 40227 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your 40228 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 40229 -- Mark Twain 40230 % 40231 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 40232 way before it is understood. 40233 % 40234 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 40235 the streets after them. 40236 -- Bill Vaughn 40237 % 40238 Success is a journey, not a destination. 40239 % 40240 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 40241 % 40242 Success is in the minds of Fools. 40243 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 40244 % 40245 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 40246 made of things. 40247 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 40248 % 40249 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 40250 % 40251 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 40252 % 40253 Such a fine first dream! 40254 But they laughed at me; they said 40255 I had made it up. 40256 % 40257 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 40258 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 40259 % 40260 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 40261 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 40262 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 40263 % 40264 Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 40265 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 40266 % 40267 Sudden Death Dating: 40268 40269 Quote, female: 40270 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 40271 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 40272 % 40273 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 40274 The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 40275 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 40276 The Path there is, but none who travel it. 40277 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 40278 % 40279 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 40280 % 40281 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 40282 % 40283 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 40284 -- Donald Kaul 40285 % 40286 Sum quod eris. 40287 % 40288 Sun in the night, everyone is together, 40289 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 40290 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 40291 % 40292 SUN Microsystems: 40293 The Network IS the Load Average. 40294 % 40295 SUNSET: 40296 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 40297 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 40298 progressively reducing solar elevation. 40299 % 40300 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 40301 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 40302 -- Martin Luther 40303 % 40304 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 40305 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 40306 Quantum Mechanics? 40307 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 40308 Supervisee: Yes. 40309 -- Overheard at a supervision. 40310 % 40311 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 40312 % 40313 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 40314 % 40315 Support the American Kidney Foundation. 40316 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 40317 % 40318 Support the Girl Scouts! 40319 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 40320 % 40321 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 40322 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 40323 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association 40324 % 40325 Support your local church or synagogue. 40326 Worship at Bank of America. 40327 % 40328 Support your right to arm bears!! 40329 % 40330 Support your right to bare arms! 40331 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 40332 % 40333 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 40334 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 40335 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 40336 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 40337 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 40338 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 40339 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 40340 a pinhead. 40341 -- Christopher Evans 40342 % 40343 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 40344 But what if he forgets? 40345 % 40346 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 40347 men in national government too. 40348 -- Richard M. Nixon 40349 % 40350 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are 40351 dishonest men in national government too. 40352 -- Richard Nixon 40353 % 40354 "Surely you can't be serious." 40355 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 40356 % 40357 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 40358 % 40359 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 40360 Just type in your name and social security number. 40361 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 40362 40363 Name # 40364 40365 40366 % 40367 Surprise due today. Also the rent. 40368 % 40369 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 40370 % 40371 sushi, n: 40372 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 40373 strapped on with electrical tape. 40374 % 40375 Sushido, n: 40376 The way of the tuna. 40377 % 40378 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 40379 -- Wm. Shakespeare 40380 % 40381 Swap read error. You lose your mind. 40382 % 40383 SWEATER: 40384 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 40385 % 40386 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 40387 -- Thomas Tusser 40388 % 40389 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 40390 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 40391 % 40392 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 40393 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 40394 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 40395 I rush! 40396 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 40397 % 40398 Swipple's Rule of Order: 40399 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 40400 % 40401 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 40402 unusually pale and clear. 40403 Problem: Glass empty. 40404 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40405 40406 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 40407 and the front of your shirt is wet. 40408 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 40409 wrong part of face. 40410 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 40411 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 40412 40413 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40414 % 40415 Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 40416 Fault: The Bar is closing. 40417 Action Required: Panic. 40418 40419 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 40420 You cannot see the bathroom light. 40421 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 40422 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 40423 treat yourself to a lie-in. 40424 40425 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40426 % 40427 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 40428 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 40429 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 40430 toward ceiling. 40431 40432 Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 40433 Fault: Improper bladder control. 40434 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 40435 to the owner about its lack of house training and 40436 demand a beer as compensation. 40437 40438 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40439 % 40440 Symptom: Floor blurred. 40441 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 40442 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40443 40444 Symptom: Floor moving. 40445 Fault: You are being carried out. 40446 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 40447 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 40448 40449 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40450 % 40451 Symptom: Floor swaying. 40452 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 40453 game in progress. 40454 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 40455 40456 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 40457 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 40458 Fault: You have fallen forward. 40459 Action Required: See above. 40460 40461 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 40462 fluorescent light strips. 40463 Fault: You have fallen over backward. 40464 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 40465 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 40466 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 40467 40468 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40469 % 40470 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 40471 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40472 % 40473 System checkpoint complete. 40474 % 40475 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 40476 % 40477 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 40478 % 40479 System going down in 5 minutes. 40480 % 40481 System restarting, wait... 40482 % 40483 System/3! System/3! 40484 See how it runs! See how it runs! 40485 Its monitor loses so totally! 40486 It runs all its programs in RPG! 40487 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 40488 System/3! 40489 % 40490 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 40491 Works equally poorly on all systems. 40492 % 40493 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 40494 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 40495 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40496 % 40497 Systems programmer: 40498 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 40499 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 40500 are to receive from your boss. 40501 % 40502 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 40503 -- R.S. Barton 40504 % 40505 T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 40506 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 40507 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 40508 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 40509 -- The Roguelet's ABC 40510 % 40511 TACKY: 40512 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. 40513 % 40514 TACT: 40515 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 40516 % 40517 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 40518 -- Jean Cocteau 40519 % 40520 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 40521 -- Jean Cocteau 40522 % 40523 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 40524 an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 40525 % 40526 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 40527 % 40528 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 40529 he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 40530 % 40531 Take an astronaut to launch. 40532 % 40533 Take care of the luxuries and the 40534 necessities will take care of themselves. 40535 -- L. Long 40536 % 40537 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 40538 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 40539 % 40540 Take everything in stride. 40541 Trample anyone who gets in your way. 40542 % 40543 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 40544 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 40545 % 40546 Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 40547 % 40548 Take me drunk, 40549 I'm home again! 40550 % 40551 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 40552 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 40553 -- Kipling 40554 % 40555 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 40556 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 40557 have given them to you. 40558 % 40559 Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 40560 -- Ken Kesey 40561 % 40562 Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 40563 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 40564 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 40565 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 40566 % 40567 Take your Senator to lunch this week. 40568 % 40569 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 40570 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 40571 -- Booth Tarkington 40572 % 40573 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 40574 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 40575 -- Rev. Jim 40576 % 40577 Talent does what it can. 40578 Genius does what it must. 40579 You do what you get paid to do. 40580 % 40581 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 40582 % 40583 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 40584 -- Euripides 40585 % 40586 Talkers are no good doers. 40587 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 40588 % 40589 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 40590 -- Laurie Anderson 40591 % 40592 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 40593 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 40594 % 40595 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 40596 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 40597 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 40598 % 40599 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 40600 Tan me hide when I'm dead. 40601 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 40602 It's hanging there on the shed. 40603 40604 All together now... 40605 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40606 Tie me kangaroo down. 40607 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40608 Tie me kangaroo down. 40609 % 40610 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 40611 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 40612 -- B. Franklin 40613 % 40614 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 40615 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 40616 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 40617 headed. You are a Communist. 40618 % 40619 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 40620 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 40621 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 40622 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 40623 % 40624 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 40625 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 40626 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 40627 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 40628 % 40629 TAX OFFICE: 40630 Den of inequity. 40631 % 40632 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 40633 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 40634 -- Russell Long 40635 % 40636 TAXES: 40637 Of life's two certainties, 40638 the only one for which you can get an extension. 40639 % 40640 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 40641 % 40642 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 40643 40644 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 40645 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 40646 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 40647 40648 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 40649 -- Dave Mills 40650 % 40651 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 40652 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 40653 % 40654 Teachers have class. 40655 % 40656 TEAMWORK: 40657 Having someone to blame. 40658 % 40659 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 40660 % 40661 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 40662 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 40663 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 40664 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other 40665 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by 40666 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did 40667 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that 40668 being only an inference. 40669 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40670 % 40671 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 40672 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 40673 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 40674 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 40675 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 40676 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 40677 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 40678 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 40679 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 40680 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 40681 a moment and then log off. 40682 % 40683 Technological progress has merely provided us 40684 with more efficient means for going backwards. 40685 -- Aldous Huxley 40686 % 40687 Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 40688 % 40689 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 40690 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 40691 % 40692 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 40693 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 40694 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 40695 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 40696 -- Erma Bombeck 40697 % 40698 telephone, n.: 40699 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 40700 making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 40701 -- Ambrose Bierce 40702 % 40703 TELEPRESSION: 40704 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 40705 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 40706 burden on the directory assistant. 40707 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40708 % 40709 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 40710 -- Ernie Kovacs 40711 % 40712 Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 40713 -- Robert Carson 40714 % 40715 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 40716 -- Alfred Hitchcock 40717 % 40718 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 40719 each other. 40720 -- Ann Landers 40721 % 40722 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 40723 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 40724 % 40725 Television is now so desperately hungry for material 40726 that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 40727 -- Gore Vidal 40728 % 40729 Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 40730 rather than each other. 40731 % 40732 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 40733 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 40734 to touch to be sure. 40735 % 40736 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 40737 Is those things arms, or is they legs? 40738 I marvel at thee, Octopus; 40739 If I were thou, I'd call me us. 40740 -- Ogden Nash 40741 % 40742 Tell me what to think!!! 40743 % 40744 Tell me why the stars do shine, 40745 Tell me why the ivy twines, 40746 Tell me why the sky's so blue, 40747 And I will tell you just why I love you. 40748 40749 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 40750 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 40751 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 40752 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 40753 % 40754 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 40755 promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 40756 -- A. Hope 40757 % 40758 Tempt me with a spoon! 40759 % 40760 Tempt not a desperate man. 40761 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 40762 % 40763 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 40764 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 40765 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 40766 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 40767 showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 40768 his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 40769 Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 40770 handed the others to Dutsky. 40771 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 40772 % 40773 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 40774 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 40775 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 40776 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 40777 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 40778 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 40779 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 40780 and handed the others to Dutsky. 40781 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 40782 % 40783 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 40784 -- Napoleon I 40785 % 40786 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 40787 way of telling you to stop writing. 40788 -- R. Geis 40789 % 40790 Terence, this is stupid stuff: 40791 You eat your victuals fast enough; 40792 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 40793 To see the rate you drink your beer. 40794 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 40795 It gives a chap the belly-ache. 40796 The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 40797 It sleeps well the horned head: 40798 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 40799 To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 40800 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 40801 Your friends to death before their time. 40802 Moping, melancholy mad: 40803 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 40804 -- A.E. Housman 40805 % 40806 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 40807 school, and then work, work, work till we die. 40808 -- C.S. Lewis 40809 % 40810 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 40811 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 40812 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 40813 to risk offending God's grandmother. 40814 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 40815 % 40816 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, 40817 and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about 40818 his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the 40819 sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). 40820 This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: 40821 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it 40822 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it 40823 is impossible." 40824 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 40825 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 40826 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 40827 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 40828 % 40829 Test for paraquat: 40830 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 40831 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 40832 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 40833 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 40834 the solution will turn blue-green. 40835 % 40836 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 40837 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 40838 % 40839 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 40840 % 40841 TEUTONIC: 40842 Not enough gin. 40843 % 40844 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 40845 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 40846 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 40847 -- Gordon Bell 40848 % 40849 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 40850 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 40851 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 40852 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 40853 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 40854 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 40855 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 40856 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 40857 called you from here." 40858 % 40859 Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 40860 -- Wayne Oakes 40861 % 40862 Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 40863 % 40864 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 40865 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 40866 % 40867 That does not compute. 40868 % 40869 That feeling just came over me. 40870 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 40871 % 40872 That government is best which governs least. 40873 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 40874 % 40875 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 40876 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 40877 in the same way as us. 40878 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 40879 % 40880 That money talks, 40881 I'll not deny, 40882 I heard it once, 40883 It said "Good-bye. 40884 -- Richard Armour 40885 % 40886 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 40887 -- Moliere 40888 % 40889 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 40890 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 40891 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 40892 % 40893 That that is is that that is not is not. 40894 % 40895 That, that is, is. 40896 That, that is not, is not. 40897 That, that is, is not that, that is not. 40898 That, that is not, is not that, that is. 40899 % 40900 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 40901 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 40902 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 40903 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 40904 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 40905 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 40906 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 40907 % 40908 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 40909 % 40910 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 40911 -- Dorothy Parker 40912 % 40913 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 40914 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 40915 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 40916 -- Heine 40917 % 40918 That's always the way when you discover 40919 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 40920 -- Evelyn E. Smith 40921 % 40922 That's life. 40923 What's life? 40924 A magazine. 40925 How much does it cost? 40926 Two-fifty. 40927 I only have a dollar. 40928 That's life. 40929 % 40930 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 40931 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 40932 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 40933 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 40934 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 40935 % 40936 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 40937 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." 40938 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 40939 % 40940 That's no moon... 40941 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 40942 % 40943 That's odd. That's very odd. 40944 Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 40945 % 40946 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 40947 -- Neil Armstrong 40948 % 40949 That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 40950 -- Woody Allen, on sex 40951 % 40952 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 40953 really hate is lousy programmers. 40954 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 40955 % 40956 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 40957 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 40958 -- Bill Veeck 40959 % 40960 That's what she said. 40961 % 40962 That's where the money was. 40963 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 40964 40965 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 40966 -- Willie Sutton 40967 % 40968 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 40969 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. 40970 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 40971 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 40972 -- Lewis Carroll 40973 % 40974 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 40975 -- R.B. Greenberg 40976 % 40977 The 357.73 Theory -- 40978 Auditors always reject expense accounts 40979 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 40980 % 40981 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 40982 % 40983 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 40984 Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 40985 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 40986 % 40987 The Abrams' Principle: 40988 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 40989 % 40990 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 40991 -- T. Cheatham 40992 % 40993 The absent ones are always at fault. 40994 % 40995 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 40996 -- A. Camus 40997 % 40998 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 40999 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 41000 % 41001 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 41002 -- Clifton Fadiman 41003 % 41004 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 41005 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 41006 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 41007 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 41008 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 41009 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 41010 % 41011 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 41012 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 41013 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 41014 % 41015 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 41016 he is already degraded. 41017 -- George Orwell 41018 % 41019 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 41020 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 41021 -- Whitehead. 41022 % 41023 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 41024 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 41025 % 41026 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 41027 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 41028 -- Bart Miller 41029 % 41030 The all-softening overpowering knell, 41031 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 41032 -- Lord Byron 41033 % 41034 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 41035 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 41036 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 41037 % 41038 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 41039 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 41040 41041 Film at 11:00. 41042 % 41043 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 41044 eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 41045 -- Finlay Peter Dunne 41046 % 41047 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 41048 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 41049 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 41050 -- Al Capone 41051 % 41052 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 41053 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 41054 % 41055 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 41056 in billigrahams. 41057 % 41058 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 41059 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 41060 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 41061 % 41062 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 41063 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 41064 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 41065 even better, nobody has to play it. 41066 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41067 % 41068 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 41069 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 41070 41071 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 41072 % 41073 The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 41074 -- E. Costello 41075 % 41076 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 41077 with which you can threaten your enemies. 41078 -- Bonnard 41079 % 41080 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 41081 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 41082 --Salvador De Madariaga 41083 % 41084 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 41085 -- Albertano of Brescia 41086 % 41087 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 41088 doctors nor lawyers. 41089 -- L. Docquier 41090 % 41091 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 41092 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 41093 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 41094 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 41095 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 41096 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 41097 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 41098 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- 41099 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 41100 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 41101 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 41102 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., 41103 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 41104 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 41105 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 41106 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 41107 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 41108 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 41109 And dare not stray to ideas new, 41110 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 41111 And for a living what woulds't we do? 41112 % 41113 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 41114 41115 Four day work week, 41116 Two ply toilet paper! 41117 % 41118 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 41119 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 41120 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 41121 % 41122 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 41123 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 41124 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 41125 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 41126 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 41127 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 41128 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 41129 logs to multiply." 41130 % 41131 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 41132 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 41133 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 41134 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 41135 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 41136 % 41137 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 41138 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 41139 and color, but also on ability. 41140 -- T. Lehrer 41141 % 41142 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 41143 -- Bill Murray 41144 % 41145 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in 41146 effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 41147 Declaration not for that, but for future use. 41148 -- Abraham Lincoln 41149 % 41150 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 41151 Jupiter can have no satellites: 41152 41153 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 41154 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 41155 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 41156 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 41157 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 41158 of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 41159 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 41160 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 41161 and therefore do not exist. 41162 % 41163 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 41164 % 41165 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 41166 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 41167 -- Ladies' Home Journal 41168 % 41169 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 41170 the morning feeling just terrible. 41171 -- Jean Kerr 41172 % 41173 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 41174 % 41175 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 41176 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 41177 % 41178 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 41179 % 41180 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 41181 one graveyard to another. 41182 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 41183 % 41184 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 41185 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 41186 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 41187 their father. 41188 -- Mencken 41189 % 41190 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 41191 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 41192 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 41193 % 41194 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 41195 carries any reward. 41196 -- John Maynard Keynes 41197 % 41198 The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn, 41199 Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn, 41200 And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone, 41201 It's just, just one of those, one of those days, 41202 Just one of those, one of those days 41203 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 41204 % 41205 The bank sent our statement this morning, 41206 The red ink was a sight of great awe! 41207 Their figures and mine might have balanced, 41208 But my wife was too quick on the draw. 41209 % 41210 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. 41211 Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to 41212 park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also 41213 dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big 41214 difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to 41215 do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. 41216 I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup 41217 truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" 41218 on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the 41219 accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, 41220 whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall 41221 parking lots. 41222 -- Dave Barry 41223 % 41224 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 41225 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 41226 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 41227 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 41228 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 41229 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" 41230 % 41231 THE BEATLES: 41232 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 41233 % 41234 The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 41235 % 41236 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 41237 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 41238 41239 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 41240 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 41241 Memory". Ed.] 41242 % 41243 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 41244 -- Maurice Baring 41245 % 41246 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 41247 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 41248 % 41249 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 41250 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 41251 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 41252 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 41253 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 41254 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 41255 41256 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 41257 % 41258 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 41259 -- W.C. Fields 41260 % 41261 The best defense against logic is ignorance. 41262 % 41263 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 41264 but doesn't. 41265 -- Tom Crichton 41266 % 41267 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 41268 -- Scotty 41269 % 41270 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 41271 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 41272 by judging things by their price. 41273 % 41274 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 41275 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 41276 them while they do it. 41277 -- Theodore Roosevelt 41278 % 41279 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 41280 % 41281 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 41282 -- Blair 41283 % 41284 The best man for the job is often a woman. 41285 % 41286 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 41287 head waiter. 41288 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 41289 % 41290 The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 41291 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 41292 -- Wordsworth 41293 % 41294 The best prophet of the future is the past. 41295 % 41296 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 41297 redoubtable John W. Campbell: 41298 41299 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 41300 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 41301 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 41302 being read by a corpse. 41303 % 41304 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 41305 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 41306 drifting side by side to our common doom. 41307 -- Clarence Darrow 41308 % 41309 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 41310 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 41311 % 41312 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 41313 % 41314 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 41315 % 41316 The best things in life are for a fee. 41317 % 41318 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 41319 % 41320 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 41321 % 41322 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 41323 % 41324 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 41325 % 41326 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 41327 % 41328 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 41329 smoke is a right worth dying for. 41330 % 41331 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 41332 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 41333 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 41334 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 41335 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 41336 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 41337 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 41338 % 41339 The best you get is an even break. 41340 -- Franklin Adams 41341 % 41342 The better part of valor is discretion. 41343 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41344 % 41345 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 41346 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 41347 -- Nietzsche 41348 % 41349 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 41350 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 41351 It's just that they need more supervision. 41352 % 41353 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 41354 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 41355 -- Abraham Lincoln 41356 % 41357 The Bible on letters of reference: 41358 41359 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 41360 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 41361 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 41362 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 41363 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 41364 % 41365 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 41366 -- Nora Ephron 41367 % 41368 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 41369 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 41370 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 41371 more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 41372 -- Jules Feiffer 41373 % 41374 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 41375 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 41376 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 41377 hungry all the time? 41378 % 41379 The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 41380 % 41381 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 41382 -- Merrick Furst 41383 % 41384 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 41385 working for someone else. 41386 % 41387 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 41388 occurred. 41389 % 41390 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 41391 and the bird is on the wing. 41392 -- Omar Khayyam 41393 % 41394 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 41395 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 41396 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 41397 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 41398 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 41399 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 41400 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 41401 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 41402 % 41403 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 41404 % 41405 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 41406 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 41407 % 41408 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 41409 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 41410 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 41411 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 41412 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 41413 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 41414 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 41415 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41416 % 41417 The boy stood on the burning deck, 41418 Eating peanuts by the peck. 41419 His father called him, but he could not go, 41420 For he loved those peanuts so. 41421 % 41422 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 41423 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 41424 % 41425 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 41426 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 41427 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 41428 one, and convert to the next higher units. 41429 % 41430 The British are coming! The British are coming! 41431 % 41432 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 41433 and humiliating reality. 41434 -- Oscar Wilde 41435 % 41436 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 41437 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 41438 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 41439 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 41440 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 41441 % 41442 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 41443 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 41444 -- Kay Bostic 41445 % 41446 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 41447 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 41448 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 41449 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 41450 Days of Pompeii." 41451 41452 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 41453 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 41454 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 41455 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 41456 41457 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 41458 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 41459 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 41460 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 41461 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 41462 % 41463 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 41464 people, and don't come in clearly enough. 41465 -- Bill Maher 41466 % 41467 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 41468 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 41469 time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 41470 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 41471 with Basil. 41472 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41473 % 41474 The carbonyl is polarized, 41475 The delta end is plus. 41476 The nucleophile will thus attack, 41477 The carbon nucleus. 41478 Addition makes an alcohol, 41479 Of types there are but three. 41480 It makes a bond, to correspond, 41481 From C to shining C. 41482 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 41483 % 41484 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 41485 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 41486 % 41487 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. 41488 % 41489 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 41490 sometimes three. 41491 -- Alexandre Dumas 41492 % 41493 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 41494 at the steam fitters picnic. 41495 % 41496 The chief cause of problems is solutions. 41497 -- Eric Sevareid 41498 % 41499 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense 41500 -- Picasso 41501 % 41502 The church is near but the road is icy, 41503 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 41504 -- Russian Proverb 41505 % 41506 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 41507 -- Elbert Hubbard 41508 % 41509 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 41510 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 41511 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 41512 % 41513 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 41514 % 41515 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 41516 -- John Muir 41517 % 41518 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 41519 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 41520 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 41521 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 41522 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 41523 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 41524 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 41525 % 41526 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 41527 % 41528 The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a 41529 job application. 41530 % 41531 The closest to perfection a person ever comes 41532 is when he fills out a job application form. 41533 -- Stanley J. Randall 41534 % 41535 The clothes have no emperor. 41536 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. 41537 % 41538 The coast was clear. 41539 -- Lope de Vega 41540 % 41541 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 41542 intellectual nakedness. 41543 -- Robert M. Hutchins 41544 % 41545 The Commandments of the EE: 41546 41547 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 41548 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 41549 embarrassing manner. 41550 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 41551 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 41552 earthly vale of tears. 41553 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 41554 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 41555 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 41556 a radiator too. 41557 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 41558 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 41559 unbelievers. 41560 % 41561 The Commandments of the EE: 41562 41563 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 41564 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 41565 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 41566 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 41567 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 41568 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 41569 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 41570 the fury of the engineers on his head. 41571 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 41572 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 41573 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 41574 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 41575 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 41576 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 41577 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 41578 % 41579 The Commandments of the EE: 41580 41581 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 41582 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 41583 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 41584 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 41585 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 41586 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 41587 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 41588 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 41589 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 41590 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 41591 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 41592 innocent-seeming device. 41593 % 41594 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 41595 % 41596 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 41597 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 41598 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 41599 the 80's. 41600 -- Marty Winston 41601 % 41602 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 41603 central power station is to the electrical industry. 41604 -- Peter Drucker 41605 % 41606 The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 41607 -- Alan Perlis 41608 % 41609 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 41610 defined several times by examples of what it is not. 41611 % 41612 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 41613 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 41614 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 41615 dangerous. 41616 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 41617 % 41618 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 41619 than what we've got! 41620 % 41621 The control of the production of wealth 41622 is the control of human life itself. 41623 -- Hilaire Belloc 41624 % 41625 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 41626 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 41627 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 41628 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get 41629 you talked about. 41630 -- Lazarus Long 41631 % 41632 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 41633 % 41634 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 41635 -- W.C. Fields 41636 % 41637 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 41638 % 41639 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 41640 % 41641 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 41642 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 41643 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 41644 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 41645 career. 41646 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41647 % 41648 The course of true anything never does run smooth. 41649 -- Samuel Butler 41650 % 41651 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 41652 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 41653 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 41654 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 41655 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 41656 father!" 41657 % 41658 The covers of this book are too far apart. 41659 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. 41660 % 41661 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 41662 -- John McNulty 41663 % 41664 The Crown is full of it! 41665 -- Nate Harris, 1775 41666 % 41667 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 41668 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 41669 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 41670 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 41671 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 41672 of all our rights and privileges. 41673 -- William Ellery Channing 41674 41675 % 41676 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 41677 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 41678 -- Susan Dooley 41679 % 41680 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 41681 -- Andy Purshottam 41682 % 41683 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 41684 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 41685 % 41686 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 41687 Every class is unfit to govern. 41688 -- Lord Acton 41689 % 41690 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 41691 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 41692 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 41693 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 41694 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at 41695 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 41696 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 41697 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 41698 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 41699 % 41700 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 41701 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 41702 -- H.D. Thoreau 41703 % 41704 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 41705 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 41706 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 41707 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 41708 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 41709 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 41710 -- Thomas Jefferson 41711 % 41712 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 41713 % 41714 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 41715 to a tedious book. 41716 % 41717 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 41718 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 41719 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 41720 % 41721 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 41722 % 41723 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 41724 % 41725 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 41726 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 41727 % 41728 The degree of civilization in a society 41729 can be judged by entering its prisons. 41730 -- F. Dostoyevski 41731 % 41732 The degree of technical confidence is inversely 41733 proportional to the level of management. 41734 % 41735 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 41736 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 41737 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 41738 % 41739 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 41740 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 41741 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 41742 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 41743 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 41744 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 41745 into a drawer. 41746 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 41747 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 41748 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 41749 crisis passed. 41750 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured 41751 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 41752 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 41753 would be restructured. The crisis passed. 41754 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 41755 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 41756 into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 41757 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 41758 % 41759 The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 41760 -- Anaxagoras 41761 % 41762 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 41763 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 41764 % 41765 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 41766 % 41767 The devil finds work for idle glands. 41768 % 41769 The die is cast. 41770 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 41771 % 41772 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 41773 % 41774 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 41775 % 41776 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 41777 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 41778 -- Mark Twain 41779 % 41780 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 41781 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 41782 it would be a calamity. 41783 -- Benjamin Disraeli 41784 % 41785 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 41786 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 41787 % 41788 The difference between art and science is that science is what we 41789 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 41790 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" 41791 % 41792 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 41793 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 41794 is thinking that they're conspiring. 41795 -- J. Kegler 41796 % 41797 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 41798 called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 41799 % 41800 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 41801 % 41802 The difference between legal separation and divorce is 41803 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 41804 % 41805 The difference between reality and unreality 41806 is that reality has so little to recommend it. 41807 -- Allan Sherman 41808 % 41809 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 41810 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 41811 -- Robert Heinlein 41812 % 41813 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 41814 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 41815 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 41816 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 41817 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 41818 % 41819 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 41820 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 41821 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 41822 sentimentality. 41823 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 41824 % 41825 The difference between the right word and the almost right word 41826 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 41827 -- Mark Twain 41828 % 41829 The difference between this place and yogurt 41830 is that yogurt has a live culture. 41831 % 41832 The difference between us is not very far, 41833 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 41834 % 41835 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 41836 -- T.K. 41837 % 41838 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 41839 % 41840 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 41841 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 41842 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 41843 -- Russell Baker 41844 % 41845 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 41846 % 41847 The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 41848 % 41849 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 41850 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 41851 -- Ambrose Bierce 41852 % 41853 The distinction between true and false appears to become 41854 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 41855 -- Arne Tiselius 41856 % 41857 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 41858 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 41859 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 41860 -- John Adams 41861 % 41862 The door is the key. 41863 % 41864 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 41865 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 41866 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 41867 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 41868 it to his master. 41869 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 41870 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 41871 % 41872 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 41873 of the woman. 41874 -- Honore de Balzac 41875 % 41876 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 41877 % 41878 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 41879 % 41880 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 41881 and owns the worm farm. 41882 -- Travis McGee 41883 % 41884 The early worm gets the bird. 41885 % 41886 The early worm gets the late bird. 41887 % 41888 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 41889 % 41890 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 41891 teaches me to suspect that my own is also." 41892 41893 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 41894 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 41895 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 41896 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 41897 valuable possession to him." 41898 41899 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 41900 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 41901 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 41902 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable 41903 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 41904 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 41905 would tire of the spectacle eventually." 41906 -- Mark Twain 41907 % 41908 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 41909 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 41910 -- Mel Brooks 41911 % 41912 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 41913 % 41914 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 41915 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 41916 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. 41917 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 41918 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 41919 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect 41920 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 41921 over the post of robotics correspondent. 41922 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 41923 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 41924 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 41925 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 41926 wall when the revolution came'. 41927 % 41928 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 41929 -- Buckminster Fuller 41930 % 41931 The end of labor is to gain leisure. 41932 % 41933 The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, 41934 with symposium to follow. 41935 % 41936 The ends justify the means. 41937 -- after Matthew Prior 41938 % 41939 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 41940 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 41941 of these atoms is talking moonshine. 41942 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 41943 the first time 41944 % 41945 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 41946 in full pursuit of the uneatable. 41947 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 41948 % 41949 The English have no respect for their language, 41950 and will not teach their children to speak it. 41951 -- G.B. Shaw 41952 % 41953 The English instinctively admire any man 41954 who has no talent and is modest about it. 41955 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 41956 % 41957 The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic 41958 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 41959 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 41960 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 41961 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 41962 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 41963 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 41964 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 41965 41966 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 41967 "What kind of family do you come from?" 41968 "A rich, Jewish family." 41969 "And your wife?" 41970 "A German aristocrat." 41971 "Have you ever been to the West?" 41972 "I spent most of my life in England." 41973 "How did you make a living there?" 41974 "A friend supported me." 41975 "Where did you get the money from?" 41976 "He owned a textile factory." 41977 "Who was Lenin?" 41978 "Never heard of him." 41979 "What is your name?" 41980 "Karl Marx." 41981 % 41982 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 41983 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 41984 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 41985 presidential aspirant. 41986 % 41987 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 41988 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 41989 a substitute for intelligence. 41990 -- Lyman Bryson 41991 % 41992 The eternal feminine draws us upward. 41993 -- Goethe 41994 % 41995 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 41996 -- Anne Boleyn 41997 % 41998 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 41999 is the most likely to be correct. 42000 -- William of Occam 42001 % 42002 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 42003 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 42004 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 42005 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 42006 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 42007 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 42008 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 42009 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 42010 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 42011 -- Chuang Tzu 42012 % 42013 The eyes of taxes are upon you. 42014 % 42015 The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42016 All the livelong day; 42017 The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42018 You cannot get away; 42019 Do not think you can escape them 42020 From night 'til early in the morn; 42021 The eyes of Texas are upon you 42022 'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 42023 -- University of Texas' school song 42024 % 42025 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 42026 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 42027 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 42028 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 42029 % 42030 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics 42031 in general as no other can. 42032 -- Wilhelm Reich 42033 % 42034 The fact that it works is immaterial. 42035 -- L. Ogborn 42036 % 42037 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 42038 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 42039 compassion. 42040 -- Saul Alinsky 42041 % 42042 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 42043 % 42044 The farther you go, the less you know. 42045 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 42046 % 42047 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 42048 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 42049 % 42050 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 42051 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 42052 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 42053 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 42054 so long as they are Tories. 42055 -- Christopher Booker 42056 % 42057 The faster I go, the behinder I get. 42058 -- Lewis Carroll 42059 % 42060 The Fastest Defeat In Chess 42061 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 42062 master. 42063 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 42064 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 42065 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 42066 of their own homes. 42067 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 42068 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 42069 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 42070 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 42071 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 42072 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 42073 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 42074 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42075 % 42076 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 42077 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 42078 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 42079 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 42080 "Whaddaya want?" 42081 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 42082 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 42083 % 42084 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 42085 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 42086 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 42087 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 42088 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 42089 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 42090 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 42091 for them to despise science fiction. 42092 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 42093 % 42094 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 42095 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 42096 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 42097 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 42098 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 42099 center at Notre Dame." 42100 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 42101 times." 42102 % 42103 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 42104 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 42105 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 42106 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 42107 and become lesbians." 42108 % 42109 The Fifth Rule: 42110 You have taken yourself too seriously. 42111 % 42112 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 42113 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 42114 % 42115 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 42116 % 42117 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 42118 the Bible. 42119 -- John Quincy Adams 42120 42121 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 42122 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 42123 to man are contained in it. 42124 -- Abraham Lincoln 42125 42126 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 42127 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 42128 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 42129 -- Woodrow Wilson 42130 % 42131 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 42132 -- Abbie Hoffman 42133 % 42134 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 42135 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic 42136 death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. 42137 Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, 42138 complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his 42139 breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's 42140 death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's 42141 relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some 42142 were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A 42143 few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants 42144 unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 42145 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of 42146 grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas 42147 Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and 42148 the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely 42149 accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant 42150 of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's 42151 enemies, and revamp the postal system. 42152 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" 42153 % 42154 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 42155 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 42156 % 42157 The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 42158 Understand? 42159 -- Joey Glimco 42160 % 42161 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 42162 by our children. 42163 -- Clarence Darrow 42164 % 42165 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 42166 and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 42167 % 42168 The first myth of management is that it exists. 42169 % 42170 The first requisite for immortality is death. 42171 -- Stanislaw Lem 42172 % 42173 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, 42174 was propounded to me by my father: 42175 42176 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" 42177 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. 42178 "A herring," said my father. 42179 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 42180 "So hang it there." 42181 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 42182 "Paint it." 42183 "But a herring isn't wet." 42184 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 42185 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, 42186 "a herring doesn't whistle!!" 42187 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." 42188 -- Leo Rosten 42189 % 42190 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 42191 -- H.L. Mencken 42192 % 42193 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42194 -- Paul Erlich 42195 % 42196 The First Rule of Program Optimization: 42197 Don't do it. 42198 42199 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 42200 Don't do it yet. 42201 -- Michael Jackson 42202 % 42203 The first thing I do in the morning 42204 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 42205 -- Dorothy Parker 42206 % 42207 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 42208 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 42209 % 42210 The first version always gets thrown away. 42211 % 42212 The five rules of Socialism: 42213 42214 1. Don't think. 42215 2. If you do think, don't speak. 42216 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 42217 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 42218 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 42219 42220 -- being told in Poland, 1987 42221 % 42222 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 42223 % 42224 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 42225 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 42226 % 42227 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 42228 -- Alan Coult 42229 % 42230 The following statement is not true. 42231 The previous statement is true. 42232 % 42233 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 42234 42235 1. You can't push on a string. 42236 2. Ain't no free lunches. 42237 3. Them as has, gets. 42238 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 42239 % 42240 The Force is what holds everything together. 42241 It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 42242 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 42243 % 42244 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 42245 completely surrounded by people who want some. 42246 -- Dwight MacDonald 42247 % 42248 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 42249 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 42250 rests on mutual help. 42251 -- Laukikanyay. 42252 % 42253 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 42254 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 42255 % 42256 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 42257 received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. 42258 % 42259 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 42260 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 42261 % 42262 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 42263 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 42264 due to levitation. 42265 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 42266 if the character does not have fire resistance. 42267 -- README file from the NetHack game 42268 % 42269 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 42270 -- W. Somerset Maugham 42271 % 42272 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 42273 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 42274 % 42275 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 42276 of both parties tactfully interferes. 42277 -- G.K. Chesterton 42278 % 42279 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 42280 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 42281 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 42282 % 42283 The future is a myth created by insurance 42284 salesmen and high school counselors. 42285 % 42286 The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 42287 -- H.G. Wells 42288 % 42289 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 42290 % 42291 The future lies ahead. 42292 % 42293 The future not being born, my friend, 42294 we will abstain from baptizing it. 42295 -- George Meredith 42296 % 42297 The garden is in mourning; 42298 The rain falls cool among the flowers. 42299 Summer shivers quietly 42300 On its way towards its end. 42301 42302 Golden leaf after leaf 42303 Falls from the tall acacia. 42304 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 42305 In this dying dream of a garden. 42306 42307 For a long while, yet, in the roses, 42308 She will linger on, yearning for peace, 42309 And slowly 42310 Close her weary eyes. 42311 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 42312 % 42313 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 42314 % 42315 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 42316 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 42317 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 42318 -- Gore Vidal 42319 % 42320 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 42321 % 42322 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 42323 % 42324 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 42325 remember her first husband. 42326 % 42327 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 42328 % 42329 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 42330 -- Sophia Loren 42331 % 42332 The glances over cocktails 42333 That seemed to be so sweet 42334 Don't seem quite so amorous 42335 Over Shredded Wheat 42336 % 42337 The goal of Computer Science is to build something 42338 that will at least last until we've finished building it. 42339 % 42340 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 42341 The goal of nature is to build better mice. 42342 % 42343 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 42344 They gave him love and he invented marriage. 42345 % 42346 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 42347 is your move. 42348 -- Frank Crane 42349 % 42350 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 42351 He who has the gold makes the rules. 42352 % 42353 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 42354 to be good. 42355 -- John Barrymore 42356 % 42357 The good (I am convinced, for one) 42358 Is but the bad one leaves undone. 42359 Once your reputation's done 42360 You can live a life of fun. 42361 -- Wilhelm Busch 42362 % 42363 The good life was so elusive 42364 It really got me down 42365 I had to regain some confidence 42366 So I got into camouflage 42367 % 42368 The good time is approaching, 42369 The season is at hand. 42370 When the merry click of the two-base lick 42371 Will be heard throughout the land. 42372 The frost still lingers on the earth, and 42373 Budless are the trees. 42374 But the merry ring of the voice of spring 42375 Is borne upon the breeze. 42376 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 42377 % 42378 The Gordian Maxim: 42379 If a string has one end, it has another. 42380 % 42381 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 42382 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 42383 and they can't fire it. 42384 % 42385 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 42386 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 42387 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 42388 % 42389 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 42390 Christian Religion 42391 -- George Washington 42392 % 42393 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 42394 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 42395 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 42396 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 42397 "Send Lord Combermere." 42398 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 42399 Combermere a fool." 42400 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 42401 -- G.W.E. Russell 42402 % 42403 The goys have proven the following theorem... 42404 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 42405 lecture. 42406 % 42407 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 42408 % 42409 The grave's a fine and private place, 42410 but none, I think, do there embrace. 42411 -- Andrew Marvell 42412 % 42413 The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 42414 -- Charles de Gaulle 42415 % 42416 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 42417 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 42418 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 42419 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 42420 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 42421 Hedgehog Eater. 42422 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 42423 % 42424 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 42425 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 42426 % 42427 The Great Movie Posters: 42428 42429 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 42430 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 42431 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 42432 42433 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 42434 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 42435 -- The Wild Party (1929) 42436 42437 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 42438 DIX -- the dashing soldier! 42439 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 42440 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 42441 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 42442 42443 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 42444 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 42445 -- The Night is Young (1934) 42446 % 42447 The Great Movie Posters: 42448 42449 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 42450 unimaginable hell. 42451 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 42452 42453 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 42454 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 42455 42456 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF 42457 SLAUGHTER! 42458 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 42459 42460 The family that slays together stays together. 42461 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 42462 % 42463 The Great Movie Posters: 42464 42465 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 42466 -- Squirm (1976) 42467 42468 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 42469 This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 42470 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 42471 42472 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 42473 -- Zombie (1980) 42474 42475 It's not human and it's got an axe. 42476 -- The Prey (1981) 42477 % 42478 The Great Movie Posters: 42479 42480 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 42481 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 42482 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 42483 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 42484 42485 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 42486 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 42487 42488 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 42489 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 42490 Alone, only a harmless pet... 42491 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 42492 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 42493 42494 They're Over-Exposed 42495 But Not Under-Developed! 42496 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 42497 % 42498 The Great Movie Posters: 42499 42500 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 42501 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 42502 42503 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 42504 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 42505 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 42506 42507 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 42508 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 42509 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 42510 % 42511 The Great Movie Posters: 42512 42513 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 42514 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 42515 42516 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 42517 42518 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 42519 42520 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 42521 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 42522 42523 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 42524 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 42525 % 42526 The Great Movie Posters: 42527 42528 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 42529 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 42530 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 42531 -- Spitfire (1934) 42532 42533 Do Native Women Live With Apes? 42534 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 42535 42536 JUNGLE KISS!! 42537 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 42538 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 42539 she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic 42540 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 42541 was a girl in love! 42542 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 42543 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 42544 42545 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 42546 -- Intermezzo (1939) 42547 % 42548 The Great Movie Posters: 42549 42550 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 42551 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 42552 42553 She Sins in Mobile -- 42554 Marries in Houston -- 42555 Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 42556 Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- 42557 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 42558 FIRST -- HARLOW! 42559 THEN -- MONROE! 42560 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 42561 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 42562 42563 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 42564 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 42565 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 42566 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 42567 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 42568 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 42569 % 42570 The Great Movie Posters: 42571 42572 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 42573 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 42574 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 42575 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 42576 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 42577 SEE the burning of a virgin! 42578 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 42579 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 42580 -- Kwaheri (1965) 42581 42582 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 42583 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 42584 42585 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 42586 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 42587 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 42588 give you the wim-wams! 42589 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 42590 % 42591 The Great Movie Posters: 42592 42593 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 42594 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 42595 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 42596 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 42597 42598 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 42599 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 42600 42601 It's always better when you come again! 42602 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 42603 42604 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 42605 -- Pieces (1983) 42606 % 42607 The Great Movie Posters: 42608 42609 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 42610 on a roaring rampage of revenge! 42611 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 42612 42613 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 42614 SAUSAGES? 42615 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 42616 42617 TODAY the Pond! 42618 TOMORROW the World! 42619 -- Frogs (1972) 42620 % 42621 The Great Movie Posters: 42622 42623 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 42624 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 42625 42626 CAST OF 3,000! 42627 4 WRITERS, 42628 2 DIRECTORS, 42629 3 CAMERAMEN, 42630 3 PRODUCERS! 42631 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 42632 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 42633 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 42634 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 42635 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 42636 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 42637 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 42638 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 42639 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 42640 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 42641 % 42642 The Great Movie Posters: 42643 42644 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 42645 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 42646 42647 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 42648 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 42649 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 42650 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 42651 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 42652 -- Robot Monster (1953) 42653 42654 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 42655 802 scared bulls! 42656 -- The Egyptian (1954) 42657 % 42658 The Great Movie Posters: 42659 42660 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 42661 horror on a screaming world! 42662 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 42663 42664 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 42665 giant desires! 42666 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 42667 42668 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 42669 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 42670 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 42671 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 42672 % 42673 The Great Movie Posters: 42674 42675 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 42676 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 42677 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 42678 42679 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 42680 -- The French Line (1954) 42681 42682 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 42683 -- Hot Blood (1956) 42684 % 42685 The Great Movie Posters: 42686 42687 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 42688 Friends... 42689 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 42690 42691 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 42692 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 42693 42694 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 42695 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 42696 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 42697 % 42698 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 42699 like prostitutes. 42700 -- Stanley Kubrick 42701 % 42702 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 42703 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 42704 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 42705 -- Sigmund Freud 42706 % 42707 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 42708 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 42709 answered themselves. 42710 -- Arthur Binstead 42711 % 42712 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 42713 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 42714 % 42715 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 42716 -- Sophocles 42717 % 42718 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 42719 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 42720 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 42721 their wives and daughters to his arms. 42722 -- Genghis Khan 42723 % 42724 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 42725 -- Polish proverb 42726 % 42727 The Greatest Mathematical Error 42728 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 42729 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 42730 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 42731 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 42732 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 42733 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 42734 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 42735 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 42736 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 42737 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 42738 spokesman said. 42739 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 42740 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42741 % 42742 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 42743 % 42744 The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 42745 -- Robert Heinlein 42746 % 42747 The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 42748 % 42749 The groundhog is like most other prophets; 42750 it delivers its message and then disappears. 42751 % 42752 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 42753 -- Galbraith 42754 % 42755 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. 42756 -- J.K. Galbraith 42757 % 42758 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 42759 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 42760 % 42761 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 42762 -- Albert Einstein 42763 % 42764 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 42765 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 42766 % 42767 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 42768 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 42769 author's name on the title page. 42770 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 42771 % 42772 The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 42773 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 42774 % 42775 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 42776 of functions performed by private citizens. 42777 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 42778 % 42779 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 42780 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 42781 % 42782 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 42783 -- Blaise Pascal 42784 % 42785 The heart is wiser than the intellect. 42786 % 42787 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 42788 % 42789 The heaviest object in the world is the 42790 body of the woman you have ceased to love. 42791 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 42792 % 42793 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 42794 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 42795 % 42796 "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 42797 % 42798 The help people need most urgently is 42799 help in admitting that they need help. 42800 % 42801 The herd instinct among economists 42802 makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 42803 % 42804 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 42805 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 42806 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 42807 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 42808 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 42809 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 42810 adventurous youth. 42811 -- Benjamin Cardozo 42812 % 42813 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 42814 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 42815 % 42816 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 42817 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 42818 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 42819 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 42820 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 42821 have lunch?". 42822 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 42823 % 42824 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 42825 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 42826 42827 Retribution: 42828 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 42829 Anticipation: 42830 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 42831 Diplomacy: 42832 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 42833 pretext that your brother did it. 42834 % 42835 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 42836 -- Johnny Carson 42837 % 42838 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 42839 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 42840 -- Helen Rowland 42841 % 42842 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 42843 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 42844 -- Bill Lawrence 42845 % 42846 The horror... the horror! 42847 % 42848 The human animal differs from the lesser 42849 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 42850 -- H. Allen Smith 42851 % 42852 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 42853 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 42854 -- Sir George Jessel 42855 % 42856 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 42857 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 42858 % 42859 The human mind treats a new idea the way the 42860 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 42861 -- P. Medawar 42862 % 42863 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 42864 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 42865 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 42866 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 42867 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 42868 certain degree of awe. 42869 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 42870 % 42871 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 42872 -- Mark Twain 42873 % 42874 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 42875 -- David Gerrold 42876 % 42877 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 42878 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 42879 -- Leo J. Burke 42880 % 42881 The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 42882 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 42883 -- D. Cohen 42884 % 42885 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 42886 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 42887 % 42888 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 42889 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 42890 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 42891 -- Doug Gwyn 42892 % 42893 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 42894 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 42895 -- Harry V. Wade 42896 % 42897 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 42898 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 42899 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 42900 -- John Maynard Keyes 42901 % 42902 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 42903 % 42904 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 42905 -- Quintus Ennius 42906 % 42907 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. 42908 -- Henry Kissinger 42909 % 42910 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 42911 A program is a lot like a nose: 42912 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 42913 % 42914 The important thing is not to stop questioning. 42915 % 42916 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 42917 % 42918 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than 42919 golf has. 42920 -- The Best of Will Rogers 42921 % 42922 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 42923 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 42924 important thing to people. 42925 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 42926 % 42927 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 42928 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 42929 -- Bertrand Russell 42930 % 42931 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 42932 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 42933 -- Churchill 42934 % 42935 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 42936 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 42937 pointer and a mark. 42938 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 42939 % 42940 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 42941 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 42942 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 42943 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 42944 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 42945 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 42946 overturning everything. 42947 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 42948 % 42949 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 42950 the group divided by the number of people in the group. 42951 % 42952 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 42953 treat the Arabs like postmen. 42954 -- Franklyn Ajaye 42955 % 42956 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 42957 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 42958 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 42959 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 42960 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 42961 still in." 42962 % 42963 "The jig's up, Elman." 42964 "Which jig?" 42965 -- Jeff Elman 42966 % 42967 The Junior God now heads the roll 42968 In the list of heaven's peers; 42969 He sits in the House of High Control, 42970 And he regulates the spheres. 42971 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 42972 If, even in gods divine, 42973 The best and wisest may not be those 42974 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 42975 -- R.W. Service 42976 % 42977 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 42978 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 42979 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 42980 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 42981 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 42982 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 42983 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 42984 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 42985 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 42986 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 42987 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 42988 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 42989 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 42990 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 42991 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 42992 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 42993 % 42994 The Kennedy Constant: 42995 Don't get mad -- get even. 42996 % 42997 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 42998 -- L. Zadeh 42999 % 43000 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 43001 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 43002 advantage to see the truth. 43003 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 43004 % 43005 The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 43006 % 43007 The kind of danger people most enjoy is 43008 the kind they can watch from a safe place. 43009 % 43010 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 43011 43012 King: "How goes the battle plan?" 43013 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 43014 K: "Yes." 43015 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 43016 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 43017 the dust clears." 43018 K: "And?" 43019 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 43020 K: "But what about the 43021 ^#!!$% battle plan?" 43022 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 43023 % 43024 The knowledge that makes us cherish 43025 innocence makes innocence unattainable. 43026 -- Irving Howe 43027 % 43028 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 43029 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 43030 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 43031 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 43032 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 43033 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 43034 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 43035 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 43036 And now, just look at me." 43037 % 43038 The ladies men admire, I've heard, 43039 Would shudder at a wicked word. 43040 Their candle gives a single light; 43041 They'd rather stay at home at night. 43042 They do not keep awake till three, 43043 Nor read erotic poetry. 43044 They never sanction the impure, 43045 Nor recognize an overture. 43046 They shrink from powders and from paints... 43047 So far, I've had no complaints. 43048 -- Dorothy Parker 43049 % 43050 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 43051 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 43052 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 43053 % 43054 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 43055 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 43056 % 43057 The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible 43058 for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is 43059 fired. 43060 % 43061 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 43062 % 43063 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 43064 -- Blaise Pascal 43065 % 43066 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 43067 hand. 43068 -- Fred Allen 43069 % 43070 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 43071 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 43072 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 43073 % 43074 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 43075 -- Governor Tarkin 43076 % 43077 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 43078 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 43079 -- Anatole France 43080 % 43081 The Law of Probable Dispersal: 43082 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 43083 % 43084 The Law of the Letter: 43085 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 43086 % 43087 The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 43088 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 43089 % 43090 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 43091 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 43092 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 43093 we own. 43094 -- H.G. Wells 43095 % 43096 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 43097 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 43098 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 43099 give a public reading of his latest poem. 43100 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 43101 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 43102 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 43103 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 43104 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 43105 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 43106 turn." 43107 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 43108 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 43109 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 43110 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 43111 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 43112 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 43113 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 43114 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 43115 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 43116 be better." 43117 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43118 % 43119 The Least Successful Animal Rescue 43120 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 43121 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 43122 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 43123 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 43124 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 43125 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 43126 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 43127 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43128 % 43129 The Least Successful Collector 43130 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 43131 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 43132 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 43133 works of Shakespeare. 43134 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 43135 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 43136 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 43137 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 43138 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 43139 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 43140 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43141 % 43142 The Least Successful Defrosting Device 43143 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 43144 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 43145 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 43146 got stuck fast." 43147 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 43148 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 43149 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 43150 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 43151 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 43152 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 43153 Lips". 43154 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43155 % 43156 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 43157 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 43158 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 43159 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 43160 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 43161 men and women. 43162 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43163 % 43164 The Least Successful Executions 43165 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 43166 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 43167 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 43168 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 43169 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 43170 punishment, he was reprieved. 43171 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 43172 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 43173 occasion failed to get the trap door open. 43174 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 43175 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 43176 to America and lived until 1933. 43177 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43178 % 43179 The Least Successful Police Dogs 43180 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 43181 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 43182 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 43183 offend the criminal classes. 43184 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 43185 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 43186 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 43187 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 43188 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 43189 1967. 43190 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 43191 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 43192 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 43193 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 43194 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43195 % 43196 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 43197 -- Kin Hubbard 43198 % 43199 The less time planning, the more time programming. 43200 % 43201 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 43202 43203 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 43204 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 43205 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 43206 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 43207 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 43208 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 43209 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 43210 frustrating process of testing and debugging. 43211 % 43212 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 43213 43214 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 43215 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 43216 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 43217 lithtth. 43218 % 43219 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 43220 43221 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 43222 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 43223 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 43224 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 43225 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 43226 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 43227 % 43228 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 43229 43230 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 43231 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 43232 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 43233 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 43234 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 43235 43236 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 43237 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 43238 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 43239 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 43240 THEN 43241 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 43242 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 43243 SURE 43244 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 43245 GOTO THE MALL 43246 43247 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 43248 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 43249 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 43250 AWESOME! 43251 % 43252 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 43253 43254 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 43255 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 43256 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 43257 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 43258 it travels across the screen. 43259 % 43260 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 43261 43262 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 43263 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 43264 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 43265 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 43266 % 43267 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 43268 43269 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 43270 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 43271 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 43272 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 43273 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 43274 % 43275 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 43276 43277 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 43278 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 43279 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 43280 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 43281 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 43282 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 43283 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 43284 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 43285 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 43286 who end up using this language. 43287 % 43288 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 43289 43290 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 43291 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 43292 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 43293 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 43294 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 43295 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 43296 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 43297 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 43298 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 43299 % 43300 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 43301 -- Lenny Bruce 43302 % 43303 The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 43304 -- Plato 43305 % 43306 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 43307 % 43308 The lion and the calf shall lie down 43309 together but the calf won't get much sleep. 43310 -- Woody Allen 43311 % 43312 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 43313 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 43314 -- DeGourmont 43315 % 43316 The little pieces of my life I give to you, 43317 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 43318 % 43319 The little town that time forgot, 43320 Where all the women are strong, 43321 The men are good-looking, 43322 And the children above-average. 43323 -- Prairie Home Companion 43324 % 43325 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 43326 door with a basket of kittens. 43327 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 43328 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 43329 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 43330 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 43331 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 43332 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 43333 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 43334 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 43335 % 43336 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 43337 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 43338 simply making a limiting statement about himself. 43339 -- Sidney Harris 43340 % 43341 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 43342 -- Henry Kissinger 43343 % 43344 The longer the title, the less important the job. 43345 % 43346 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 43347 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 43348 % 43349 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we 43350 could grab as much as we could with both of them. 43351 -- Major Major's father 43352 % 43353 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 43354 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 43355 % 43356 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 43357 so many of them. 43358 -- Abraham Lincoln 43359 % 43360 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 43361 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43362 % 43363 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 43364 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 43365 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 43366 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 43367 steel through your last meal!' 43368 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43369 % 43370 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 43371 % 43372 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 43373 Are of imagination all compact... 43374 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 43375 % 43376 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 43377 % 43378 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 43379 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43380 % 43381 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 43382 -- Kevin Cowherd 43383 % 43384 The major advances in civilization are processes 43385 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 43386 -- A.N. Whitehead 43387 % 43388 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 43389 bonds will eventually mature. 43390 % 43391 The major sin is the sin of being born. 43392 -- Samuel Beckett 43393 % 43394 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play 43395 the violin. 43396 -- Honore de Balzac 43397 % 43398 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 43399 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 43400 consistency. 43401 -- Albert Einstein 43402 % 43403 The makers may make, 43404 And the users may use, 43405 But the fixers must fix 43406 With but minimal clues. 43407 % 43408 The man she had was kind and clean 43409 And well enough for every day, 43410 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 43411 The one that got away. 43412 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 43413 % 43414 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 43415 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 43416 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 43417 invented it. 43418 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 43419 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 43420 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 43421 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 43422 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 43423 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 43424 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 43425 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 43426 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 43427 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 43428 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 43429 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43430 % 43431 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 43432 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 43433 been. 43434 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 43435 % 43436 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 43437 -- Menander 43438 % 43439 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 43440 -- Bertolt Brecht 43441 % 43442 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 43443 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" 43444 % 43445 The man who runs may fight again. 43446 -- Menander 43447 % 43448 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 43449 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 43450 -- Old Japanese proverb 43451 % 43452 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 43453 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 43454 -- Mark Twain 43455 % 43456 The man who understands one woman is 43457 qualified to understand pretty well everything. 43458 -- Yeats 43459 % 43460 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 43461 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 43462 -- Will Rogers 43463 43464 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 43465 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 43466 % 43467 The Marines: 43468 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 43469 % 43470 The Marines: 43471 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 43472 % 43473 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 43474 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 43475 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 43476 % 43477 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 43478 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 43479 -- Wilhelm Stekel 43480 % 43481 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 43482 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 43483 master calls a butterfly. 43484 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 43485 % 43486 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 43487 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 43488 are one, and that one is marxism. 43489 -- Heidi Hartmann, 43490 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 43491 % 43492 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 43493 % 43494 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 43495 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 43496 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 43497 % 43498 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 43499 -- Bulwer 43500 % 43501 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 43502 % 43503 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 43504 always end up on their ends without any means. 43505 -- Saul Alinsky 43506 % 43507 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 43508 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 43509 % 43510 The meek don't want it. 43511 % 43512 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 43513 % 43514 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 43515 % 43516 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 43517 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 43518 % 43519 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 43520 -- J.P. Getty 43521 % 43522 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 43523 % 43524 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 43525 % 43526 The meek shall inherit the Earth. 43527 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 43528 % 43529 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 43530 % 43531 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 43532 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 43533 -- Carl Jung 43534 % 43535 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 43536 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 43537 for impotency. 43538 -- W. Churchill 43539 % 43540 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 43541 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 43542 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 43543 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 43544 % 43545 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 43546 % 43547 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 43548 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 43549 being who produces the impressions. 43550 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade 43551 % 43552 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 43553 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 43554 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 43555 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 43556 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 43557 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 43558 predictive power. 43559 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 43560 Thinking" 43561 % 43562 The Modelski Chain Rule: 43563 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 43564 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 43565 Hewlett-Packard. 43566 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 43567 bright-looking individual. 43568 3: Procure a large chain. 43569 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 43570 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 43571 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 43572 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 43573 % 43574 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 43575 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 43576 of the bicuspids?" 43577 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 43578 % 43579 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 43580 -- Nicol Williamson 43581 % 43582 The moon is made of green cheese. 43583 -- John Heywood 43584 % 43585 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 43586 % 43587 The Moral Majority is neither. 43588 % 43589 The more complex the mind, the greater 43590 the need for the simplicity of play. 43591 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" 43592 % 43593 The more control, the more that requires control. 43594 % 43595 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 43596 the odds that the competition already has the order. 43597 % 43598 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 43599 % 43600 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 43601 lower the mailing cost. 43602 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 43603 % 43604 The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 43605 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43606 % 43607 The more I know men the more I like my horse. 43608 % 43609 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 43610 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 43611 % 43612 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 43613 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 43614 % 43615 The more laws and order are made prominent, 43616 the more thieves and robbers there will be. 43617 -- Lao Tsu 43618 % 43619 The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 43620 instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 43621 contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 43622 % 43623 The more the merrier. 43624 -- John Heywood 43625 % 43626 The more they over-think the plumbing 43627 the easier it is to stop up the drain. 43628 % 43629 The more things change, the more they remain the same. 43630 -- Alphonse Karr 43631 % 43632 The more things change, the more they stay insane. 43633 % 43634 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 43635 % 43636 The more we disagree, the more chance 43637 there is that at least one of us is right. 43638 % 43639 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 43640 % 43641 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 43642 % 43643 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 43644 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 43645 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 43646 % 43647 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 43648 % 43649 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 43650 % 43651 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 43652 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 43653 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 43654 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 43655 have the good fortune to find one. 43656 -- Carlyle 43657 % 43658 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 43659 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 43660 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 43661 -- Derek Wills 43662 % 43663 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 43664 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 43665 -- H.L. Mencken 43666 % 43667 The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 43668 -- American proverb 43669 % 43670 The most dangerous organization in America today is: 43671 43672 a) The KKK 43673 b) The American Nazi Party 43674 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 43675 % 43676 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 43677 the country is the one on which you resell it. 43678 -- J. Brecheux 43679 % 43680 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 43681 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 43682 % 43683 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 43684 thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. 43685 -- T.H. White 43686 % 43687 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 43688 % 43689 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 43690 not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 43691 -- Alfred De Musset 43692 % 43693 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 43694 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 43695 -- Isaac Asimov 43696 % 43697 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 43698 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 43699 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 43700 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 43701 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 43702 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 43703 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 43704 starts a long, long time before the event. 43705 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 43706 from "Congress Eate It Up" 43707 % 43708 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 43709 freshman English at a Midwestern university. 43710 -- Tom Wolfe 43711 % 43712 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 43713 of a deaf man to a blind woman. 43714 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 43715 % 43716 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 43717 % 43718 The most important early product on the way 43719 to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 43720 % 43721 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 43722 people to approach printed matter with distrust. 43723 % 43724 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 43725 is that one of them be good at taking orders. 43726 -- Linda Festa 43727 % 43728 The most important things, each person must do for himself. 43729 % 43730 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 43731 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 43732 % 43733 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 43734 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 43735 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 43736 organization. 43737 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 43738 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 43739 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 43740 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 43741 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 43742 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 43743 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 43744 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 43745 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 43746 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 43747 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 43748 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 43749 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 43750 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 43751 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 43752 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 43753 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 43754 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 43755 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 43756 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 43757 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 43758 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 43759 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 43760 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 43761 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" 43762 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 43763 % 43764 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 43765 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 43766 been found. 43767 -- Calvin Trillin 43768 % 43769 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 43770 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 43771 them were fishermen. 43772 -- Arthur Binstead 43773 % 43774 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 43775 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 43776 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 43777 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 43778 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 43779 to commit adultery. 43780 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 43781 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 43782 the printers L3,000. 43783 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43784 % 43785 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 43786 children for their insurance money. 43787 -- Sherlock Holmes 43788 % 43789 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 43790 % 43791 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 43792 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 43793 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 43794 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 43795 % 43796 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 43797 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 43798 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 43799 % 43800 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 43801 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 43802 % 43803 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 43804 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 43805 % 43806 The nearer to the church, the further from God. 43807 -- John Heywood 43808 % 43809 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 43810 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 43811 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 43812 -- James 'Kibo' Parry 43813 % 43814 The net of law is spread so wide, 43815 No sinner from its sweep may hide. 43816 Its meshes are so fine and strong, 43817 They take in every child of wrong. 43818 O wondrous web of mystery! 43819 Big fish alone escape from thee! 43820 -- James Jeffrey Roche 43821 % 43822 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 43823 I hope I don't get run over again. 43824 % 43825 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 43826 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 43827 % 43828 THE NEW RIGHT: 43829 A javelin team that elects to receive. 43830 % 43831 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 43832 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 43833 43834 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 43835 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 43836 43837 -- Matthew 5:37 43838 % 43839 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 43840 to me is going to have his head knocked off. 43841 -- Bill Conrad 43842 % 43843 The next thing I say to you will be true. 43844 The last thing I said was false. 43845 % 43846 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 43847 -- Lucille S. Harper 43848 % 43849 The nice thing about standards 43850 is that there are so many of them to choose from. 43851 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 43852 % 43853 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 43854 % 43855 The night passes quickly when you're asleep 43856 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 43857 ... 43858 Breakfast at the Egg House, 43859 Like the waffle on the griddle, 43860 I'm burnt around the edges, 43861 But I'm tender in the middle. 43862 -- Adrian Belew 43863 % 43864 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 43865 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 43866 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 43867 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 43868 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43869 % 43870 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 43871 remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 43872 -- D.M. Ritchie 43873 % 43874 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 43875 proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 43876 % 43877 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 43878 of the barbecue. 43879 % 43880 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 43881 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 43882 % 43883 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 43884 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 43885 % 43886 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 43887 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 43888 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 43889 -- Robert Woodhead 43890 % 43891 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 43892 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 43893 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 43894 when called upon. 43895 However... 43896 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 43897 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 43898 % 43899 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 43900 % 43901 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 43902 % 43903 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 43904 43905 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 43906 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 43907 of Corporate Planning." 43908 % 43909 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 43910 43911 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 43912 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 43913 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 43914 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 43915 % 43916 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 43917 43918 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 43919 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 43920 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 43921 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 43922 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 43923 god at 8:15 the next morning. 43924 % 43925 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 43926 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 43927 more like fourteen. 43928 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 43929 % 43930 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 43931 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 43932 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 43933 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 43934 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 43935 % 43936 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 43937 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the 43938 floor. 43939 43940 "Sorry," he said with a smile. 43941 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 43942 % 43943 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 43944 % 43945 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 43946 Let the reader catch his own breath. 43947 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 43948 % 43949 The older I grow, the more I distrust the 43950 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 43951 -- H.L. Mencken 43952 % 43953 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 43954 -- Oscar Wilde 43955 % 43956 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 43957 % 43958 The one good thing about repeating your 43959 mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 43960 % 43961 The one L lama, he's a priest 43962 The two L llama, he's a beast 43963 And I will bet my silk pyjama 43964 There isn't any three L lllama. 43965 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 43966 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 43967 % 43968 The One Page Principle: 43969 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 43970 cannot be understood. 43971 -- Mark Ardis 43972 % 43973 The one sure way to make a lazy man look 43974 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 43975 % 43976 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 43977 -- Abbey Hoffman 43978 % 43979 The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 43980 -- Pliny the Elder 43981 % 43982 The only constant is change. 43983 % 43984 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 43985 right turn on a red light. 43986 -- Woody Allen 43987 % 43988 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 43989 that the car salesman knows he's lying. 43990 % 43991 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 43992 % 43993 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 43994 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 43995 -- Oscar Wilde 43996 % 43997 The only difference in the game of love over the last few 43998 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 43999 -- The Indianapolis Star 44000 % 44001 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 44002 respectable. 44003 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 44004 % 44005 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 44006 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 44007 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 44008 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 44009 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 44010 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 44011 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 44012 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 44013 it and are delighted. 44014 -- Nietzsche 44015 % 44016 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 44017 -- Dorothy Parker 44018 % 44019 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 44020 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 44021 beyond this they have not legitimacy. 44022 -- Einstein. 44023 % 44024 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 44025 is your husband. 44026 % 44027 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 44028 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 44029 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 44030 like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 44031 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 44032 % 44033 The only people who make love all the time are liars. 44034 -- Louis Jordan 44035 % 44036 The only perfect science is hind-sight. 44037 % 44038 The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44039 % 44040 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44041 % 44042 The only possible interpretation of any research 44043 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 44044 % 44045 The only possible interpretation of any research 44046 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 44047 -- Ernest Rutherford 44048 % 44049 The only problem with being a man of leisure 44050 is that you can never stop and take a rest. 44051 % 44052 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 44053 -- Phaedrus 44054 % 44055 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 44056 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 44057 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 44058 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 44059 -- Bill Veeck 44060 % 44061 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 44062 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 44063 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 44064 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 44065 % 44066 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 44067 % 44068 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 44069 for getting acquainted. 44070 -- Heywood Broun 44071 % 44072 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 44073 -- C. Schultz 44074 % 44075 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 44076 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 44077 -- Colette 44078 % 44079 The only reward of virtue is virtue. 44080 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44081 % 44082 The only rose without thorns is friendship. 44083 % 44084 The only thing better than love is milk. 44085 % 44086 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 44087 % 44088 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 44089 us nothing. 44090 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 44091 % 44092 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 44093 the first one was useless. 44094 -- Nicolas Chamfort 44095 % 44096 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 44097 It is never any use to oneself. 44098 -- Oscar Wilde 44099 % 44100 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 44101 -- Earl Warren 44102 44103 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 44104 the lessons that history has to teach. 44105 -- Aldous Huxley 44106 44107 We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 44108 -- Georg Hegel 44109 44110 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 44111 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 44112 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 44113 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 44114 % 44115 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 44116 -- C. Schultz 44117 % 44118 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 44119 and guilt. 44120 -- Elvis Costello 44121 % 44122 The only way to amuse some people 44123 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 44124 % 44125 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 44126 -- Oscar Wilde 44127 % 44128 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, 44129 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 44130 -- Mark Twain 44131 % 44132 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 44133 -- David Gerrold 44134 % 44135 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 44136 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 44137 -- Jean de la Bruyere 44138 % 44139 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 44140 until 5 or 6 PM. 44141 % 44142 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. 44143 It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. 44144 % 44145 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 44146 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44147 -- Niels Bohr 44148 % 44149 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44150 -- Bohr 44151 % 44152 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 44153 waiting. 44154 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 44155 % 44156 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 44157 and the pessimist knows it. 44158 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 44159 44160 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 44161 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 44162 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 44163 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 44164 % 44165 The optimum committee has no members. 44166 -- Norman Augustine 44167 % 44168 The opulence of the front office door varies 44169 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 44170 % 44171 The orders come down and they march us away. 44172 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 44173 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 44174 But it's better than working for Xerox. 44175 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 44176 % 44177 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 44178 -- Steven Wright 44179 % 44180 The other line moves faster. 44181 % 44182 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 44183 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 44184 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 44185 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 44186 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 44187 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 44188 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 44189 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 44190 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 44191 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 44192 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 44193 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 44194 % 44195 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 44196 % 44197 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 44198 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 44199 % 44200 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 44201 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 44202 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 44203 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 44204 % 44205 The past always looks better than it was. 44206 It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 44207 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 44208 % 44209 The people sensible enough to give 44210 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 44211 % 44212 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 44213 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 44214 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 44215 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 44216 person you have always wanted to be. 44217 -- Nancy Friday 44218 % 44219 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 44220 -- Charles Pierce 44221 % 44222 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 44223 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 44224 quality of joy. 44225 -- Erica Jong 44226 % 44227 The person who can smile when something 44228 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 44229 % 44230 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 44231 % 44232 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 44233 % 44234 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 44235 % 44236 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 44237 % 44238 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 44239 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 44240 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 44241 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 44242 % 44243 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 44244 when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 44245 become soft. 44246 % 44247 The philosopher's treatment of a question 44248 is like the treatment of an illness. 44249 -- Wittgenstein. 44250 % 44251 The Phone Booth Rule: 44252 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 44253 % 44254 The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 44255 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 44256 Let others think his heart is big, 44257 I think it stupid of the Pig. 44258 % 44259 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 44260 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 44261 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 44262 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 44263 blound by the sun and he dropped it. 44264 -- Dizzy Dean 44265 % 44266 The plural of spouse is spice. 44267 % 44268 The Poems, all three hundred of them, 44269 may be summed up in one of their phrases: 44270 "Let our thoughts be correct". 44271 -- Confucius 44272 % 44273 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 44274 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 44275 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 44276 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 44277 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 44278 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 44279 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 44280 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 44281 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 44282 the higher emotions. 44283 She would me "Honey" call, 44284 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 44285 But now alas! She's left me 44286 Falero, lero, loo. 44287 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 44288 was her prudent choice of footwear. 44289 The fives did fit her shoe. 44290 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 44291 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 44292 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 44293 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 44294 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 44295 worst poet in England." 44296 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44297 % 44298 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 44299 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 44300 -- Celine 44301 % 44302 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 44303 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 44304 save your sanity for later. 44305 % 44306 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 44307 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 44308 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 44309 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 44310 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 44311 true distaste. 44312 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 44313 Correct Behavior" 44314 % 44315 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 44316 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 44317 -- Buckminster Fuller 44318 % 44319 The pollution's at that awkward stage. 44320 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 44321 -- Doug Sneyd 44322 % 44323 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 44324 -- Anthony Burgess 44325 % 44326 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 44327 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 44328 or to the people. 44329 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 44330 % 44331 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 44332 Were each of them once a kiddie. 44333 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 44334 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 44335 -- Ogden Nash 44336 % 44337 The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's 44338 remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those 44339 offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 44340 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter 44341 % 44342 The prettiest women are almost always the most 44343 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 44344 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44345 % 44346 The price of greatness is responsibility. 44347 % 44348 The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 44349 -- C. Glymour. 44350 % 44351 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 44352 knowledge of its ugly side. 44353 -- James Baldwin 44354 % 44355 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 44356 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 44357 % 44358 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 44359 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 44360 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 44361 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 44362 program, should the value of pi change. 44363 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 44364 % 44365 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 44366 represents the secondary theme: 44367 44368 Law Enforcement Officials 44369 44370 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 44371 44372 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 44373 -- M. Gallaher 44374 % 44375 The probability of someone watching you is directly 44376 proportional to the stupidity of your action. 44377 % 44378 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 44379 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 44380 -- Mike Smith 44381 % 44382 The problem with any unwritten law is that 44383 you don't know where to go to erase it. 44384 -- Glaser and Way 44385 % 44386 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 44387 to sleep every few days. 44388 % 44389 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 44390 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 44391 government because they could not keep up. 44392 -- Idi Amin Dada 44393 % 44394 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 44395 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 44396 requires intent. 44397 % 44398 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 44399 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 44400 -- Elizabeth Taylor 44401 % 44402 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 44403 % 44404 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 44405 for incompetence. 44406 % 44407 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 44408 particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 44409 with sloppy english. 44410 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44411 % 44412 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 44413 stable business. 44414 -- John Steinbeck 44415 % 44416 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 44417 % 44418 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 44419 thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 44420 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 44421 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 44422 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 44423 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 44424 The answer exists only in the Tao. 44425 % 44426 The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 44427 -- Miguel de Cervantes 44428 % 44429 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 44430 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 44431 horse. 44432 -- Jac Goudsmit 44433 % 44434 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 44435 thoughts about their neighbours. 44436 -- F.H. Bradley 44437 % 44438 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 44439 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 44440 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 44441 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 44442 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 44443 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44444 % 44445 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 44446 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 44447 certainties. 44448 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 44449 % 44450 The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 44451 -- Mark Twain 44452 % 44453 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 44454 because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 44455 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 44456 % 44457 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 44458 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 44459 engineers. 44460 % 44461 "The pyramid is opening!" 44462 "Which one?" 44463 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 44464 % 44465 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 44466 % 44467 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 44468 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 44469 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 44470 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 44471 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 44472 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 44473 remain each in their own position. 44474 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 44475 Queen Victoria 44476 % 44477 The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of 44478 whether submarines can swim. 44479 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44480 % 44481 The questions remain the same. 44482 The answers are eternally variable. 44483 % 44484 The Rabbits The Cow 44485 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 44486 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 44487 -- Ogden Nash 44488 % 44489 The race is not always to the swift, nor the 44490 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 44491 -- Damon Runyon 44492 % 44493 The rain it raineth on the just 44494 And also on the unjust fella: 44495 But chiefly on the just, because 44496 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 44497 -- Lord Bowen 44498 % 44499 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 44500 % 44501 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 44502 measurement of the speed of blight. 44503 % 44504 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 44505 illiterates can read. 44506 -- Alberto Moravia 44507 % 44508 The real man's Bloody Mary: 44509 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 44510 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 44511 44512 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 44513 Throw all the other ingredients away. 44514 % 44515 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 44516 % 44517 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 44518 -- Christopher Morley 44519 % 44520 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 44521 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 44522 % 44523 The real reason psychology is hard is that 44524 psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 44525 % 44526 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 44527 % 44528 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 44529 % 44530 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 44531 -- Don Rose 44532 % 44533 The reason that every major university maintains a department of 44534 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 44535 people. 44536 % 44537 The reason they're called wisdom teeth 44538 is that the experience makes you wise. 44539 % 44540 The reason why worry kills more people 44541 than work is that more people worry than work. 44542 % 44543 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 44544 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 44545 depends on the unreasonable man. 44546 -- George Bernard Shaw 44547 % 44548 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 44549 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 44550 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 44551 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 44552 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 44553 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 44554 % 44555 The relative importance of files depends on their cost 44556 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 44557 -- T.A. Dolotta 44558 % 44559 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 44560 of a Dodge Dart. 44561 -- Lisa Alther 44562 % 44563 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 44564 Called a hen a most elegant creature. 44565 The hen, pleased with that, 44566 Laid an egg in his hat -- 44567 And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 44568 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 44569 % 44570 The reverse side also has a reverse side. 44571 -- Japanese proverb 44572 % 44573 The revolution will not be televised. 44574 % 44575 The reward for working hard is more hard work. 44576 % 44577 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 44578 -- Emerson 44579 % 44580 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 44581 The haves get more, the have-nots die. 44582 % 44583 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 44584 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 44585 % 44586 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44587 taken seriously. 44588 -- Hubert Humphrey 44589 % 44590 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 44591 -- Justice Douglas 44592 % 44593 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 44594 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 44595 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 44596 upon the successful management of which so much remains. 44597 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 44598 % 44599 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 44600 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 44601 you have and what rights you have not got. 44602 -- J. Parnell Thomas 44603 % 44604 The ripest fruit falls first. 44605 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 44606 % 44607 The road to Hades is easy to travel. 44608 -- Bion 44609 % 44610 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 44611 -- J. Gooding 44612 % 44613 The road to ruin is always in good repair, 44614 and the travellers pay the expense of it. 44615 -- Josh Billings 44616 % 44617 The Roman Rule 44618 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 44619 one who is doing it. 44620 % 44621 The root of all superstition is that men 44622 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 44623 -- Francis Bacon 44624 % 44625 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 44626 % 44627 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 44628 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 44629 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 44630 take it too seriously. 44631 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44632 % 44633 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 44634 -- Lewis Carroll 44635 % 44636 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 44637 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 44638 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 44639 % 44640 The rules: 44641 44642 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 44643 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 44644 the console keyboard. 44645 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 44646 card decks together. 44647 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 44648 especially if you're already married. 44649 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 44650 a stool to reach another disk pack. 44651 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 44652 shift. 44653 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 44654 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 44655 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 44656 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 44657 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 44658 % 44659 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 44660 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 44661 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 44662 % 44663 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 44664 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 44665 gesture by the individual to himself. 44666 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 44667 % 44668 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 44669 % 44670 The savior becomes the victim. 44671 % 44672 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 44673 44674 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 44675 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 44676 44677 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 44678 % 44679 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 44680 showed that all had these things in common: 44681 44682 1) They all had moderate appetites. 44683 2) They all came from middle class homes. 44684 3) All but two of them were dead. 44685 % 44686 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 44687 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 44688 of civilization. 44689 -- T.K. 44690 % 44691 The second best policy is dishonesty. 44692 % 44693 The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 44694 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 44695 -- Jim Warner 44696 % 44697 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 44698 % 44699 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 44700 % 44701 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 44702 you've got it made. 44703 -- Jean Giraudoux 44704 % 44705 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 44706 there is no humor in Heaven. 44707 -- Mark Twain 44708 % 44709 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 44710 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 44711 -- Harry Skelton 44712 % 44713 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 44714 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 44715 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 44716 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 44717 him are dead, he is alive. 44718 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 44719 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 44720 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 44721 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 44722 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 44723 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 44724 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 44725 % 44726 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 44727 and sixth years. 44728 % 44729 The sheep died in the wool. 44730 % 44731 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 44732 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 44733 % 44734 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 44735 % 44736 The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 44737 -- Noelie Altito 44738 % 44739 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 44740 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 44741 % 44742 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 44743 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 44744 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 44745 % 44746 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. 44747 -- [just say that five times...] 44748 % 44749 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 44750 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 44751 % 44752 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 44753 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 44754 % 44755 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 44756 And surly Winter grimly flies. 44757 Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 44758 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 44759 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 44760 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 44761 All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 44762 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 44763 44764 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 44765 The yellow Autumn presses near; 44766 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 44767 Till smiling Spring again appear. 44768 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 44769 Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 44770 But never ranging, still unchanging, 44771 I adore my bonnie Bell. 44772 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 44773 % 44774 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 44775 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 44776 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 44777 one can see only a very few things at once. 44778 -- Fred Brooks 44779 % 44780 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 44781 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 44782 -- Max Lerner 44783 % 44784 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 44785 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 44786 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 44787 its theories will hold water. 44788 % 44789 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 44790 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 44791 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 44792 And slowly she let him inside. 44793 44794 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 44795 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 44796 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 44797 And now will you tell me why?" 44798 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 44799 % 44800 The solution of problems is the most characteristic 44801 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 44802 -- William James 44803 % 44804 The solution of this problem is trivial 44805 and is left as an exercise for the reader. 44806 % 44807 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 44808 -- Peer 44809 % 44810 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 44811 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 44812 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 44813 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 44814 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 44815 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 44816 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 44817 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 44818 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 44819 horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 44820 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 44821 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 44822 the table as the children gathered around him. 44823 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 44824 There was total silence. 44825 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 44826 Total silence. 44827 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 44828 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 44829 % 44830 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 44831 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon 44832 % 44833 The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. 44834 -- Ed Bluestone 44835 % 44836 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 44837 % 44838 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 44839 % 44840 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 44841 In town a noun might wear a gown, 44842 or further down, might dress a clown. 44843 A noun that's sound would never clown, 44844 but unsound nouns jump up and down. 44845 The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, 44846 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 44847 But please don't let that get you down, 44848 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 44849 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 44850 % 44851 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 44852 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 44853 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 44854 Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 44855 -- Dennis Miller 44856 % 44857 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 44858 % 44859 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 44860 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 44861 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 44862 reality. 44863 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 44864 % 44865 The star of riches is shining upon you. 44866 % 44867 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 44868 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 44869 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 44870 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 44871 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 44872 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 44873 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 44874 back by years. 44875 -- Douglas Adams 44876 % 44877 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 44878 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 44879 % 44880 The steady state of disks is full. 44881 -- Ken Thompson 44882 % 44883 The story of the butterfly: 44884 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 44885 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 44886 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 44887 the third day, I heard a knock." 44888 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 44889 there was nothing." 44890 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 44891 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 44892 % 44893 The story you are about to hear is true. 44894 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 44895 % 44896 The street preacher looked so baffled 44897 When I asked him why he dressed 44898 With forty pounds of headlines 44899 Stapled to his chest. 44900 But he cursed me when I proved to him 44901 I said, "Not even you can hide. 44902 You see, you're just like me. 44903 I hope you're satisfied." 44904 -- Bob Dylan 44905 % 44906 The streets were dark with something more than night. 44907 -- Raymond Chandler 44908 % 44909 The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. 44910 % 44911 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 44912 % 44913 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 44914 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 44915 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 44916 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 44917 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 44918 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 44919 by the values he wills. 44920 -- Nietzsche 44921 % 44922 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 44923 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 44924 -- The Silver Surfer 44925 % 44926 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 44927 The population is, of course, growing. 44928 % 44929 The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 44930 -- RKO 44931 % 44932 The sun was shining on the sea, 44933 Shining with all his might: 44934 He did his very best to make 44935 The billows smooth and bright -- 44936 And this was very odd, because it was 44937 The middle of the night. 44938 -- Lewis Carroll 44939 % 44940 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 44941 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 44942 % 44943 The superfluous is very necessary. 44944 -- Voltaire 44945 % 44946 The superior man understands what is right; 44947 the inferior man understands what will sell. 44948 -- Confucius 44949 % 44950 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 44951 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 44952 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 44953 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 44954 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 44955 speak of the room. 44956 -- Henry Kissinger 44957 % 44958 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 44959 % 44960 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 44961 % 44962 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 44963 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 44964 -- Nietzsche 44965 % 44966 The surest way to remain a winner is to 44967 win once, and then not play any more. 44968 % 44969 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 44970 Scratch a lover and find a foe! 44971 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 44972 % 44973 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 44974 % 44975 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 44976 % 44977 The Tao doesn't take sides; 44978 it gives birth to both wins and losses. 44979 The Guru doesn't take sides; 44980 she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 44981 44982 The Tao is like a stack: 44983 the data changes but not the structure. 44984 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 44985 the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 44986 44987 Hold on to the root. 44988 % 44989 The Tao is like a glob pattern: 44990 used but never used up. 44991 It is like the extern void: 44992 filled with infinite possibilities. 44993 44994 It is masked but always present. 44995 I don't know who built to it. 44996 It came before the first kernel. 44997 % 44998 The tao that can be tar(1)ed 44999 is not the entire Tao. 45000 The path that can be specified 45001 is not the Full Path. 45002 45003 We declare the names 45004 of all variables and functions. 45005 Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 45006 45007 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 45008 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 45009 45010 Yet magic and hierarchy 45011 arise from the same source, 45012 and this source has a null pointer. 45013 45014 Reference the NULL within NULL, 45015 it is the gateway to all wizardry. 45016 % 45017 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 45018 them a drink. 45019 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 45020 % 45021 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 45022 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 45023 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 45024 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 45025 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 45026 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 45027 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 45028 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 45029 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 45030 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 45031 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 45032 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 45033 temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 45034 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 45035 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 45036 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 45037 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 45038 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 45039 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 45040 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 45041 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 45042 % 45043 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 45044 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 45045 % 45046 The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 45047 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 45048 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 45049 most untechnician-like manner. 45050 45051 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 45052 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 45053 her in other ways. 45054 % 45055 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 45056 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 45057 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 45058 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 45059 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 45060 -- Kenny's Korner 45061 % 45062 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 45063 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 45064 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 45065 % 45066 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 45067 -- Aldo Leopold 45068 % 45069 The thing that takes up the least amount of time 45070 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 45071 % 45072 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 45073 % 45074 The Third Law of Photography: 45075 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 45076 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 45077 the dark leaks out. 45078 % 45079 The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I 45080 want the job. 45081 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 45082 45083 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 45084 would have lost. 45085 -- Mort Sahl 45086 45087 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 45088 -- Gore Vidal 45089 45090 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 45091 I need a lot of sleep. 45092 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 45093 45094 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 45095 accurately it's called mudslinging. 45096 -- Walter Mondale 45097 % 45098 The Thought Police are here. They've come 45099 To put you under cardiac arrest. 45100 And as they drag you through the door 45101 They tell you that you've failed the test. 45102 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 45103 % 45104 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 45105 % 45106 The three biggest software lies: 45107 45108 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 45109 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 45110 will fix the microcode. 45111 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 45112 % 45113 The three laws of thermodynamics: 45114 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 45115 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 45116 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 45117 % 45118 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 45119 45120 1) Where's the bathroom? 45121 2) What time does the parade start? 45122 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 45123 % 45124 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 45125 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 45126 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 45127 % 45128 The three rules of international air travel: 45129 45130 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 45131 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 45132 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 45133 know *exactly* what you're doing. 45134 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 45135 % 45136 The thrill is here, but it won't last long 45137 You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 45138 % 45139 The time for action is past! 45140 Now is the time for senseless bickering. 45141 % 45142 The time is right to make new friends. 45143 % 45144 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 45145 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 45146 -- C.N. Parkinson 45147 % 45148 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 45149 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 45150 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 45151 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 45152 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 45153 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 45154 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 45155 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 45156 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 45157 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 45158 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 45159 brought." 45160 -- Alistair Cooke 45161 % 45162 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 45163 -- Hosea Ballou 45164 % 45165 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 45166 % 45167 The tree of research must from time to time 45168 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 45169 -- Alan Kay 45170 % 45171 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 45172 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 45173 -- Little Big Man 45174 % 45175 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 45176 % 45177 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 45178 % 45179 The trouble with being punctual is that people 45180 think you have nothing more important to do. 45181 % 45182 The trouble with computers is that they do 45183 what you tell them, not what you want. 45184 -- D. Cohen 45185 % 45186 The trouble with doing something right the first 45187 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 45188 % 45189 The trouble with eating Italian food is that 45190 five or six days later you're hungry again. 45191 -- George Miller 45192 % 45193 The trouble with heart disease is that the first 45194 symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 45195 -- Michael Phelps 45196 % 45197 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 45198 -- George S. Kaufman 45199 % 45200 The trouble with money is it costs too much! 45201 % 45202 The trouble with opportunity is that it 45203 always comes disguised as hard work. 45204 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 45205 % 45206 The trouble with some women is that they get 45207 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 45208 -- Cher 45209 % 45210 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 45211 the other fellow of a dull one. 45212 -- Sid Caesar 45213 % 45214 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 45215 -- Lily Tomlin 45216 % 45217 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 45218 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 45219 all of the people all of the time. 45220 -- Franklin Adams 45221 % 45222 The trouble with you 45223 Is the trouble with me. 45224 Got two good eyes 45225 But we still don't see. 45226 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 45227 % 45228 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 45229 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 45230 people stumble than to be walked upon. 45231 -- Franz Kafka 45232 % 45233 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 45234 -- Andre Malraux 45235 % 45236 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 45237 -- Oscar Wilde 45238 % 45239 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 45240 And vice versa. 45241 % 45242 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 45243 -- Stanley Kubrick 45244 % 45245 The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 45246 -- Caltech 45247 % 45248 The truth you speak has no past and no future. 45249 It is, and that's all it needs to be. 45250 % 45251 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 45252 Which practically conceal its sex. 45253 I think it clever of the turtle 45254 In such a fix to be so fertile. 45255 -- O. Nash 45256 % 45257 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 45258 -- Dorothy Parker 45259 % 45260 The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45261 % 45262 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45263 -- Harlan Ellison 45264 % 45265 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 45266 -- G.B. Shaw 45267 % 45268 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 45269 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 45270 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 45271 -- I.F. Stone 45272 % 45273 The two things that can get you into trouble 45274 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 45275 % 45276 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 45277 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 45278 -- Oscar Wilde 45279 % 45280 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 45281 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 45282 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 45283 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 45284 Eh? 45285 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? 45286 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 45287 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 45288 Eh? 45289 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 45290 Beauty! 45291 % 45292 The ultimate game show will be the one 45293 where somebody gets killed at the end. 45294 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 45295 % 45296 The unfacts, did we have them, are too 45297 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 45298 % 45299 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 45300 % 45301 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 45302 % 45303 The universe is an island, 45304 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 45305 % 45306 The universe is laughing behind your back. 45307 % 45308 The Universe is populated by stable things. 45309 -- Richard Dawkins 45310 % 45311 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 45312 It cannot be ruled by interfering. 45313 -- Chinese proverb 45314 % 45315 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 45316 -- Sagan 45317 % 45318 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 45319 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 45320 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 45321 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 45322 % 45323 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 45324 and deviation standard. 45325 % 45326 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 45327 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 45328 % 45329 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 45330 that I assume it must be evil. 45331 -- Heywood Broun 45332 % 45333 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 45334 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 45335 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 45336 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 45337 world put together. 45338 -- Sir Peter Medawar 45339 % 45340 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 45341 is a symptom of professional immaturity. 45342 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 45343 % 45344 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 45345 regarded as a criminal offence. 45346 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 45347 % 45348 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; 45349 its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. 45350 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 45351 % 45352 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 45353 -- B. Franklin 45354 % 45355 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 45356 % 45357 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of 45358 altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their 45359 views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the 45360 facts that needs altering. 45361 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 45362 % 45363 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 45364 -- Miguel de Cervantes 45365 % 45366 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 45367 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 45368 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 45369 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 45370 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 45371 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 45372 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 45373 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 45374 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45375 % 45376 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 45377 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 45378 -- John Wayne 45379 % 45380 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 45381 -- Jerry Brown 45382 % 45383 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 45384 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 45385 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 45386 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 45387 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 45388 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 45389 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 45390 % 45391 The wages of sin are unreported. 45392 % 45393 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 45394 Constitution. 45395 % 45396 The warning message we sent the Russians was a 45397 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 45398 -- Alexander Haig 45399 % 45400 The water was not fit to drink. 45401 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 45402 By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 45403 -- W. Churchill 45404 % 45405 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 45406 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 45407 -- Emo Philips 45408 % 45409 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 45410 -- Nathaniel Howe 45411 % 45412 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 45413 % 45414 The way to a man's heart is through his 45415 wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 45416 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 45417 % 45418 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 45419 % 45420 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 45421 % 45422 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 45423 % 45424 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 45425 % 45426 The way to make a small fortune in the 45427 commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 45428 % 45429 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 45430 % 45431 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 45432 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 45433 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 45434 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 45435 I feel together today! 45436 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 45437 % 45438 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 45439 % 45440 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 45441 but the leaves are good to smoke! 45442 -- The Shadow 45443 % 45444 The white race is the cancer of history. 45445 -- Susan Sontag 45446 % 45447 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 45448 -- Wavy Gravy 45449 % 45450 The whole of life is futile unless you 45451 consider it as a sporting proposition. 45452 % 45453 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 45454 -- Peter Beard 45455 % 45456 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 45457 -- George Gobel 45458 % 45459 The whole world is about three drinks behind. 45460 -- Humphrey Bogart 45461 % 45462 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 45463 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 45464 should. 45465 -- W.C. Fields 45466 % 45467 The wise man seeks everything in himself; 45468 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 45469 % 45470 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 45471 % 45472 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 45473 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 45474 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 45475 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 45476 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 45477 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 45478 to get up in the morning!" 45479 % 45480 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 45481 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 45482 % 45483 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 45484 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 45485 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 45486 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 45487 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 45488 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 45489 -- Paul Licker 45490 % 45491 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 45492 designed for people who walk on their hands. 45493 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 45494 % 45495 The world is a comedy to those who think, 45496 and a tragedy to those who feel. 45497 -- Horace Walpole 45498 % 45499 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 45500 % 45501 The world is coming to an end! 45502 Repent and return those library books! 45503 % 45504 The world is full of people who have never, since 45505 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 45506 -- E.B. White 45507 % 45508 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 45509 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 45510 -- E. Hubbard 45511 % 45512 The world is not octal despite DEC. 45513 % 45514 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 45515 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 45516 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 45517 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 45518 % 45519 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 45520 % 45521 The world really isn't any worse. 45522 It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 45523 % 45524 The world wants to be deceived. 45525 -- Sebastian Brant 45526 % 45527 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 45528 % 45529 The world's as ugly as sin, 45530 And almost as delightful 45531 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 45532 % 45533 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 45534 nor its great scholars great men. 45535 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 45536 % 45537 The Worst American Poet 45538 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 45539 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 45540 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 45541 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 45542 pen. 45543 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 45544 formula was the same: 45545 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 45546 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? 45547 Of their death I will relate, 45548 And also others lost their life 45549 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 45550 Where so many people died. 45551 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 45552 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 45553 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 45554 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 45555 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 45556 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 45557 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 45558 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 45559 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45560 % 45561 THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 45562 45563 During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 45564 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 45565 elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 45566 up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 45567 duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 45568 Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 45569 and killed it. 45570 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45571 % 45572 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 45573 45574 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 45575 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 45576 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 45577 sheepishly left the building. 45578 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 45579 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 45580 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 45581 was a practical joke. 45582 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 45583 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 45584 trapped in the revolving doors again. 45585 % 45586 The Worst Car Hire Service 45587 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 45588 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 45589 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 45590 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 45591 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 45592 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 45593 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 45594 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 45595 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 45596 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 45597 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 45598 we might overlook that too." 45599 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled 45600 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 45601 ash tray." 45602 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45603 % 45604 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 45605 -- G.B. Shaw 45606 % 45607 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 45608 45609 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 45610 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 45611 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 45612 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45613 % 45614 The worst is enemy of the bad. 45615 % 45616 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 45617 -- King Lear 45618 % 45619 The Worst Jury 45620 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 45621 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 45622 remotest clue what was happening. 45623 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 45624 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 45625 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 45626 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 45627 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 45628 was hearing a murder trial. 45629 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 45630 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 45631 and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 45632 The judge ordered a retrial. 45633 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45634 % 45635 The Worst Lines of Verse 45636 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 45637 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 45638 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 45639 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 45640 laughter the instant they were read out. 45641 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 45642 inspired by the subject of war. 45643 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 45644 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 45645 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 45646 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 45647 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 45648 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 45649 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 45650 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 45651 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 45652 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 45653 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 45654 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 45655 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 45656 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 45657 While in this world, are liable to leak." 45658 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 45659 describing a pond: 45660 "I've measured it from side to side; 45661 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 45662 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45663 % 45664 The Worst Musical Trio 45665 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 45666 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 45667 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 45668 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 45669 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 45670 unhampered by great musical talent. 45671 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 45672 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 45673 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 45674 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 45675 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 45676 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 45677 "and it will be a sell out." 45678 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 45679 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 45680 asked for someone to turn his pages. 45681 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 45682 volunteered and made his way to the stage. 45683 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 45684 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 45685 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 45686 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 45687 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 45688 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45689 % 45690 The worst part of having success is trying 45691 to find someone who is happy for you. 45692 -- Bette Midler 45693 % 45694 The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 45695 % 45696 The Worst Prison Guards 45697 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 45698 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 45699 near Lisbon in Portugal. 45700 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 45701 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 45702 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 45703 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 45704 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 45705 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 45706 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 45707 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 45708 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 45709 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 45710 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 45711 the next morning. 45712 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 45713 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 45714 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 45715 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 45716 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 45717 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 45718 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45719 % 45720 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 45721 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 45722 -- G.B. Shaw 45723 % 45724 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 45725 are sober. 45726 -- William Butler Yeats 45727 % 45728 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 45729 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 45730 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 45731 -- David Viscott 45732 % 45733 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 45734 They were just the first not to crash. 45735 % 45736 The yankees, son, are up north. 45737 The damnyankees are down here. 45738 % 45739 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 45740 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 45741 the answers. 45742 % 45743 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 45744 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 45745 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 45746 % 45747 The young lady had an unusual list, 45748 Linked in part to a structural weakness. 45749 She set no preconditions. 45750 % 45751 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 45752 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 45753 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 45754 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 45755 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 45756 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 45757 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 45758 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 45759 they only charge $1 a ball!" 45760 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 45761 rooms." 45762 % 45763 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 45764 % 45765 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 45766 and you'd better not refuse. 45767 % 45768 Them as has, gets. 45769 % 45770 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 45771 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 45772 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 45773 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 45774 % 45775 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 45776 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 45777 right. 45778 -- P.J. O'Rourke 45779 % 45780 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 45781 % 45782 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 45783 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 45784 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 45785 to the "W" on the dial. 45786 45787 Moral: 45788 He who has a Tates is lost! 45789 % 45790 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 45791 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 45792 "I'll put `maybe.'" 45793 -- Bloom County 45794 % 45795 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 45796 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 45797 -- Elbert Hubbard 45798 % 45799 Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 45800 Proof: 45801 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 45802 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 45803 % 45804 Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 45805 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 45806 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 45807 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 45808 45809 Proceed by induction: 45810 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 45811 So A = B. 45812 45813 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 45814 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 45815 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 45816 % 45817 Theorem: All programs are dull. 45818 45819 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 45820 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 45821 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 45822 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 45823 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 45824 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 45825 % 45826 THEORY: 45827 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 45828 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 45829 it will look in print. 45830 % 45831 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 45832 -- Goethe 45833 % 45834 Theory of Selective Supervision: 45835 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 45836 the one time the boss walks through the office. 45837 % 45838 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 45839 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 45840 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 45841 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 45842 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 45843 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 45844 He speaks with a commanding voice: 45845 45846 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 45847 45848 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 45849 % 45850 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 45851 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 45852 -- Harvey Wheeler 45853 % 45854 There are a few things that never go out of style, 45855 and a feminine woman is one of them. 45856 -- Ralston 45857 % 45858 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 45859 -- Winston Churchill 45860 % 45861 There are bad times just around the corner, 45862 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 45863 And it's no good whining 45864 About a silver lining 45865 For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 45866 -- Noel Coward 45867 % 45868 There are few people more often in the wrong 45869 than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 45870 % 45871 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 45872 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 45873 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 45874 % 45875 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 45876 excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 45877 -- Ambrose Bierce 45878 % 45879 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 45880 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 45881 cannot know a woman, the divorce. 45882 -- Norman Mailer 45883 % 45884 There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 45885 two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 45886 inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 45887 postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 45888 the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 45889 sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 45890 magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 45891 relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 45892 and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 45893 the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 45894 results. 45895 % 45896 There are many intelligent species in 45897 the universe, and they all own cats. 45898 % 45899 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 45900 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 45901 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 45902 get it in the winter. 45903 -- Bat Masterson 45904 % 45905 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 45906 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 45907 avoiding a great deal of pain. 45908 % 45909 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 45910 -- Eugene Ionesco 45911 % 45912 There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 45913 % 45914 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 45915 % 45916 There are more things in heaven and earth, 45917 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 45918 -- Hamlet 45919 % 45920 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 45921 % 45922 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 45923 % 45924 There are new messages. 45925 % 45926 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 45927 -- Baba Ram Dass 45928 % 45929 There are no answers, only cross-references. 45930 -- Weiner 45931 % 45932 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 45933 % 45934 There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 45935 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 45936 % 45937 There are no great men, only great challenges that 45938 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 45939 -- Admiral William Halsey 45940 % 45941 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 45942 -- The Duke of Wellington 45943 % 45944 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 45945 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 45946 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 45947 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 45948 -- Richard Davisson 45949 % 45950 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 45951 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 45952 % 45953 There are no winners in life, only survivors. 45954 % 45955 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 45956 -- Helen Rowland 45957 % 45958 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 45959 % 45960 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 45961 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 45962 -- shades 45963 % 45964 There are people so addicted to exaggeration 45965 that they can't tell the truth without lying. 45966 -- Josh Billings 45967 % 45968 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 45969 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 45970 people who find nothing odd about it. 45971 -- Calvin Trillin 45972 % 45973 There are places I'll remember 45974 All my life though some have changed. 45975 Some forever not for better 45976 Some have gone and some remain. 45977 All these places had their moments 45978 With lovers and friends I still recall. 45979 Some are dead and some are living, 45980 In my life I've loved them all. 45981 45982 But of all these friends and lovers, 45983 There is no one compared with you, 45984 All these memories lose their meaning 45985 When I think of love as something new. 45986 Though I know I'll never lose affection 45987 For people and things that went before, 45988 I know I'll often stop and think about them 45989 In my life I'll love you more. 45990 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 45991 % 45992 There are running jobs. 45993 Why don't you go chase them? 45994 % 45995 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 45996 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 45997 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 45998 don't we all. 45999 % 46000 There are strange things done in the midnight sun 46001 By the men who moil for gold; 46002 The Arctic trails have their secret tales 46003 That would make your blood run cold; 46004 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 46005 But the queerest they ever did see 46006 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 46007 I cremated Sam McGee. 46008 -- Robert W. Service 46009 % 46010 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 46011 is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 46012 -- David Nichols 46013 % 46014 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46015 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46016 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46017 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46018 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 46019 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46020 % 46021 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. 46022 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46023 % 46024 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 46025 % 46026 There are three possibilities: 46027 Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 46028 there's a large meteor blocking transmission; 46029 someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 46030 % 46031 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 46032 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a 46033 series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of 46034 food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection 46035 increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the 46036 affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no 46037 circumstances can the food be omitted. 46038 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 46039 % 46040 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 46041 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 46042 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 46043 long winter evenings. 46044 -- Quentin Crisp 46045 % 46046 There are three rules for writing a novel. 46047 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 46048 -- Maugham 46049 % 46050 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 46051 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 46052 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 46053 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 46054 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 46055 % 46056 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 46057 can't remember. 46058 -- Italo Svevo 46059 % 46060 There are three things I have always loved 46061 and never understood -- art, music, and women. 46062 % 46063 There are three things men can do with women: 46064 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 46065 -- Stephen Stills 46066 % 46067 There are three ways to get something done: 46068 46069 1: Do it yourself. 46070 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 46071 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 46072 % 46073 There are three ways to get something done: 46074 do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 46075 % 46076 There are twenty-five people left in the world, 46077 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 46078 -- Ed Sanders 46079 % 46080 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 46081 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 46082 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 46083 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 46084 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 46085 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 46086 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 46087 you?" 46088 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 46089 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 46090 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 46091 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 46092 Man it is smokin'!" 46093 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 46094 tell me more!" 46095 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 46096 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 46097 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 46098 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 46099 % 46100 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46101 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" 46102 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46103 % 46104 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 46105 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar 46106 % 46107 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 46108 We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 46109 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 46110 % 46111 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 46112 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 46113 % 46114 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 46115 marriage and after marriage. 46116 % 46117 There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make 46118 it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to 46119 make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. 46120 -- C.A.R. Hoare 46121 % 46122 There are two ways of disliking art. 46123 One is to dislike it. 46124 The other is to like it rationally. 46125 -- Oscar Wilde 46126 % 46127 There are two ways of disliking poetry; 46128 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 46129 -- Oscar Wilde 46130 % 46131 There are two ways to write error-free 46132 programs; only the third one works. 46133 % 46134 There are very few personal problems that cannot be 46135 solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 46136 % 46137 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 46138 with an insurance salesman? 46139 -- Woody Allen 46140 % 46141 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 46142 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 46143 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 46144 together we'll face the world. 46145 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 46146 % 46147 There but for the grace of God, goes God. 46148 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. 46149 % 46150 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 46151 -- Ralph Nader 46152 % 46153 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 46154 -- Henry Kissinger 46155 % 46156 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 46157 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 46158 -- W.C. Fields 46159 % 46160 There comes a time to stop being angry. 46161 -- A Small Circle of Friends 46162 % 46163 There exist tasks which cannot be done 46164 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 46165 -- Steele's Law 46166 % 46167 There goes the good time that was had by all. 46168 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 46169 % 46170 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 46171 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 46172 permissions for everyone, you could say 46173 46174 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 46175 46176 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 46177 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 46178 from its uses. 46179 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 46180 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 46181 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 46182 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 46183 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 46184 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 46185 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 46186 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 46187 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 46188 % 46189 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 46190 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 46191 % 46192 There has been an alarming increase in the 46193 number of things you know nothing about. 46194 % 46195 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 46196 % 46197 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 46198 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 46199 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 46200 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 46201 46202 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 46203 elevator with one other person from each floor? 46204 A: The elevator would be full. 46205 % 46206 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 46207 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 46208 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 46209 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles 46210 % 46211 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 46212 opinion. 46213 -- Anatole France 46214 % 46215 There is a fly on your nose. 46216 % 46217 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 46218 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 46219 each other's throat. 46220 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 46221 % 46222 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 46223 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 46224 % 46225 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 46226 % 46227 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 46228 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 46229 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 46230 % 46231 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 46232 wooden toilet seats. 46233 46234 It's called the Birch John Society. 46235 % 46236 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 46237 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear 46238 and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There 46239 is another theory which states that this has already happened. 46240 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 46241 % 46242 There is a time in the tides of men, 46243 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 46244 On the other hand, don't count on it. 46245 -- T.K. Lawson 46246 % 46247 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 46248 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 46249 -- Helen Rowland 46250 % 46251 There is always more hell that needs raising. 46252 -- Lauren Leveut 46253 % 46254 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 46255 somebody out. 46256 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 46257 % 46258 There is always someone worse off than yourself. 46259 % 46260 There is always something new out of Africa. 46261 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 46262 % 46263 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 46264 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 46265 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46266 % 46267 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 46268 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 46269 -- Mark Twain 46270 % 46271 There is brutality and there is honesty. 46272 There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 46273 % 46274 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 46275 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 46276 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 46277 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 46278 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 46279 -- Darwin 46280 % 46281 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 46282 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 46283 % 46284 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 46285 -- Arthur C. Clarke 46286 % 46287 There is in certain living souls 46288 A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 46289 So great it must be shared 46290 As company is shared by lesser beings. 46291 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 46292 That in immensity 46293 There is one lonelier than you. 46294 % 46295 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 46296 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 46297 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 46298 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 46299 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 46300 even highly probable. 46301 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 46302 % 46303 There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 46304 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 46305 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 46306 % 46307 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 46308 and we will conquer. Follow me. 46309 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 46310 % 46311 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 46312 man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 46313 -- G.K. Chesterton 46314 % 46315 There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the 46316 man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. 46317 -- G.K. Chesterton 46318 % 46319 There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46320 -- Mahatma Gandhi 46321 % 46322 There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46323 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi 46324 % 46325 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 46326 -- Darth Vader 46327 % 46328 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 46329 always enough time to do it over. 46330 % 46331 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 46332 % 46333 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 46334 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 46335 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 46336 % 46337 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 46338 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 46339 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 46340 % 46341 There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 46342 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 46343 -- Jean Giradoux 46344 % 46345 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 46346 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 46347 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 46348 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 46349 striving of the human race" 46350 -- Alfred North Whitehead 46351 % 46352 There is no comfort without pain; thus 46353 we define salvation through suffering. 46354 -- Cato 46355 % 46356 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 46357 -- George Santayana 46358 % 46359 There is no delight the equal of dread. 46360 As long as it is somebody else's. 46361 --Clive Barker 46362 % 46363 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 46364 % 46365 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 46366 -- Mark Twain 46367 % 46368 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 46369 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 46370 as 'unearned income.' 46371 -- Michael Lara 46372 % 46373 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 46374 education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 46375 % 46376 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 46377 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 46378 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 46379 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 46380 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 46381 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 46382 % 46383 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 46384 % 46385 There is no fool to the old fool. 46386 -- John Heywood 46387 % 46388 There is no future in time travel. 46389 % 46390 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 46391 % 46392 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 46393 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 46394 -- Ernest Hemingway 46395 % 46396 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 46397 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 46398 % 46399 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 46400 -- George Francis Gillette 46401 % 46402 There is no point in waiting. 46403 The train stopped running years ago. 46404 All the schedules, the brochures, 46405 The bright-colored posters full of lies, 46406 Promise rides to a distant country 46407 That no longer exists. 46408 % 46409 There is no proverb that is not true. 46410 -- Cervantes 46411 % 46412 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools 46413 to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. 46414 So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in 46415 check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. 46416 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 46417 % 46418 There is no royal road to geometry. 46419 -- Euclid 46420 % 46421 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 46422 % 46423 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 46424 -- G.B. Shaw 46425 % 46426 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 46427 -- General Douglas MacArthur 46428 % 46429 There is no sin but ignorance. 46430 -- Christopher Marlowe 46431 % 46432 There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 46433 -- George Bernard Shaw 46434 % 46435 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 46436 % 46437 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 46438 % 46439 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 46440 % 46441 There is no such thing as a free lunch. 46442 % 46443 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 46444 % 46445 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 46446 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 46447 -- Christian Dior 46448 % 46449 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 46450 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 46451 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 46452 % 46453 There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 46454 some anxiety always goes with it. 46455 % 46456 There is no time like the pleasant. 46457 % 46458 There is no time like the present 46459 for postponing what you ought to be doing. 46460 % 46461 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 46462 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 46463 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 46464 live as cheap as the people. 46465 -- The Best of Will Rogers 46466 % 46467 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 46468 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 46469 -- Augier 46470 % 46471 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 46472 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 46473 % 46474 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 46475 -- Churchill 46476 % 46477 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 46478 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 46479 % 46480 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 46481 -- Marie Antoinette 46482 % 46483 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 46484 when you do it reluctantly. 46485 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 46486 % 46487 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 46488 comes to visit. 46489 % 46490 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 46491 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 46492 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 46493 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 46494 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 46495 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 46496 the middle of the night?'" 46497 % 46498 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 46499 % 46500 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 46501 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 46502 % 46503 There is one difference between a tax collector and 46504 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 46505 -- Mortimer Caplan 46506 % 46507 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 46508 "Yes" you know he is crooked. 46509 -- Groucho Marx 46510 % 46511 There is only one thing in the world worse than being 46512 talked about, and that is not being talked about. 46513 -- Oscar Wilde 46514 % 46515 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 46516 -- Paul Bourget 46517 % 46518 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 46519 -- Robert Heinlein 46520 % 46521 There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 46522 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 46523 -- Karl Marx 46524 % 46525 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 46526 and that word is blackmail. 46527 -- Colm Brogan 46528 % 46529 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 46530 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 46531 -- James Boswell 46532 % 46533 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 46534 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 46535 -- Mark Twain 46536 % 46537 There is something in the pang of change 46538 More than the heart can bear, 46539 Unhappiness remembering happiness. 46540 -- Euripides 46541 % 46542 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 46543 % 46544 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 46545 % 46546 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 46547 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 46548 who do not. 46549 -- Robert Benchley 46550 % 46551 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 46552 States; of course, I never heard the story before. 46553 % 46554 There must be more to life than having everything. 46555 -- Maurice Sendak 46556 % 46557 There never was a good war or a bad peace. 46558 -- B. Franklin 46559 % 46560 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46561 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46562 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46563 to the prince: 46564 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46565 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46566 what would your decision be, my son?" 46567 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46568 her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 46569 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46570 % 46571 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46572 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46573 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46574 to the prince: 46575 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46576 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46577 what would your decision be, my son?" 46578 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46579 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 46580 that I had promised." 46581 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46582 % 46583 There seems no plan because it is all plan. 46584 -- C.S. Lewis 46585 % 46586 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." 46587 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 46588 % 46589 There was a little girl 46590 Who had a little curl 46591 Right in the middle of her forehead. 46592 When she was good, she was very, very good 46593 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 46594 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 46595 % 46596 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 46597 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 46598 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 46599 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 46600 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 46601 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 46602 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 46603 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 46604 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 46605 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 46606 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 46607 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 46608 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 46609 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 46610 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 46611 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 46612 to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 46613 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 46614 % 46615 There was a phone call for you. 46616 % 46617 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 46618 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 46619 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 46620 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 46621 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 46622 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 46623 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 46624 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 46625 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 46626 % 46627 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 46628 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 46629 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 46630 insupportable. 46631 -- Kurt Vonnegut 46632 % 46633 There was a young man from Brazil, 46634 And a lady who'd not take the pill, 46635 They lay on the sofa, 46636 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 46637 n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 46638 8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 46639 % 46640 There was a young man from LeDoux, 46641 Whose limericks stopped at line two. 46642 46643 There was a young man from Verdunne. 46644 46645 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series; the third one 46646 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 46647 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 46648 % 46649 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 46650 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 46651 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 46652 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 46653 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 46654 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 46655 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 46656 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 46657 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 46658 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 46659 the squaws of the other two hides. 46660 % 46661 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 46662 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 46663 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 46664 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 46665 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 46666 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 46667 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 46668 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 46669 % 46670 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. 46671 Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 46672 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 46673 should I do?" 46674 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 46675 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 46676 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 46677 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 46678 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 46679 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 46680 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 46681 he tells the counterman. 46682 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 46683 "You must be from New York." 46684 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 46685 you know?" 46686 "Because this is a hardware store." 46687 % 46688 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 46689 the boss asks for a lift home from office. 46690 % 46691 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 46692 the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 46693 % 46694 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 46695 % 46696 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 46697 -- Lily Tomlin 46698 % 46699 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 46700 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 46701 -- Machiavelli 46702 % 46703 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 46704 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 46705 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 46706 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 46707 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 46708 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 46709 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 46710 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 46711 % 46712 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. 46713 Too bad it's not a fence. 46714 % 46715 There's a lesson that I need to remember 46716 When everything is falling apart 46717 In life, just like in loving 46718 There's such a thing as trying to hard 46719 46720 You've gotta sing 46721 Like you don't need the money 46722 Love like you'll never get hurt 46723 You've gotta dance 46724 Like nobody's watching 46725 It's gotta come from the heart 46726 If you want it to work. 46727 -- Kathy Mattea 46728 % 46729 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 46730 % 46731 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 46732 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 46733 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 46734 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 46735 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 46736 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 46737 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 46738 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 46739 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 46740 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 46741 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 46742 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 46743 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 46744 % 46745 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 46746 The corporation that we represent. 46747 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 46748 Of that man of men our sterling president 46749 The name of T.J. Watson means 46750 A courage none can stem 46751 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 46752 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 46753 % 46754 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 46755 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 46756 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 46757 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 46758 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 46759 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 46760 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 46761 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 46762 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 46763 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 46764 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 46765 along -- quite gracefully. 46766 -- Ellen Goodman 46767 % 46768 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 46769 -- Doug Clifford 46770 % 46771 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 46772 % 46773 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 46774 % 46775 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. 46776 I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it 46777 didn't do anything to me. 46778 -- John Wayne 46779 % 46780 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 46781 % 46782 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 46783 % 46784 There's little in taking or giving, 46785 There's little in water or wine: 46786 This living, this living, this living, 46787 Was never a project of mine. 46788 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 46789 The gain of the one at the top, 46790 For art is a form of catharsis, 46791 And love is a permanent flop, 46792 And work is the province of cattle, 46793 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 46794 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 46795 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 46796 -- Dorothy Parker 46797 % 46798 There's no future in time travel. 46799 % 46800 There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 46801 % 46802 There's no justice in this world. 46803 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 46804 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 46805 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 46806 the assassination of Schultz instead) 46807 % 46808 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 46809 -- Dr. Who 46810 % 46811 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 46812 -- Raoul Duke 46813 % 46814 There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 46815 % 46816 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 46817 what you're talking about. 46818 -- John von Neumann 46819 % 46820 There's no such thing as a free lunch. 46821 -- Milton Friendman 46822 % 46823 There's no such thing as an original sin. 46824 -- Elvis Costello 46825 % 46826 There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 46827 % 46828 There's no time like the pleasant. 46829 % 46830 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 46831 working for you. 46832 -- Will Rodgers 46833 % 46834 There's no use being precise about something 46835 when you don't even know what you're talking about. 46836 -- John von Neumann 46837 % 46838 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 46839 % 46840 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 46841 armadillos. 46842 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 46843 % 46844 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 46845 neckline to keep a man on his toes. 46846 % 46847 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 46848 his wife. 46849 -- Clare Booth Luce 46850 % 46851 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 46852 % 46853 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 46854 % 46855 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 46856 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 46857 -- J.S. Bach 46858 % 46859 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 46860 and open a vein. 46861 -- Red Smith 46862 % 46863 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 46864 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 46865 % 46866 There's nothing worse for your business than 46867 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 46868 -- W. Bossert 46869 % 46870 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 46871 reasoning with them won't aggravate. 46872 % 46873 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 46874 always see somebody who did worse. 46875 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 46876 % 46877 There's one fool at least in every married couple. 46878 % 46879 There's only one everything. 46880 % 46881 There's only one way to have a happy marriage 46882 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 46883 -- Clint Eastwood 46884 % 46885 There's small choice in rotten apples. 46886 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 46887 % 46888 There's so much plastic in this culture that 46889 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 46890 -- Lily Tomlin 46891 % 46892 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 46893 % 46894 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 46895 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 46896 -- G. Gordon Liddy 46897 % 46898 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 46899 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 46900 % 46901 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 46902 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 46903 % 46904 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 46905 -- Richard Le Gallienne 46906 % 46907 These activities have their own rules and methods 46908 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 46909 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 46910 % 46911 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 46912 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 46913 % 46914 They also serve who only stand and wait. 46915 -- John Milton 46916 % 46917 They also surf who only stand on waves. 46918 % 46919 They are called computers simply because computation is 46920 the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 46921 % 46922 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 46923 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 46924 life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 46925 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 46926 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 46927 % 46928 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 46929 when they can see nothing but sea. 46930 -- Francis Bacon 46931 % 46932 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 46933 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 46934 % 46935 They call them "squares" because it's the 46936 most complicated shape they can deal with. 46937 % 46938 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 46939 -- The Blues Brothers 46940 % 46941 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 46942 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 46943 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 46944 % 46945 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 46946 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 46947 46948 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 46949 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 46950 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 46951 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 46952 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 46953 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 46954 there. 46955 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 46956 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 46957 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 46958 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 46959 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 46960 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 46961 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 46962 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 46963 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 46964 % 46965 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 46966 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 46967 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 46968 only want to count to two. 46969 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 46970 % 46971 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 46972 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 46973 question about the suffering of starving miners. 46974 % 46975 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 46976 % 46977 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 46978 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 46979 % 46980 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 46981 % 46982 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 46983 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 46984 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 46985 -- Richard Nixon 46986 % 46987 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 46988 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 46989 learn this particular lesson. 46990 -- Richard Stallman 46991 % 46992 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 46993 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 46994 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 46995 46996 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 46997 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 46998 then we take Berlin. 46999 47000 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 47001 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? 47002 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 47003 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 47004 % 47005 They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 47006 Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 47007 -- Mark Twain 47008 % 47009 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 47010 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 47011 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 47012 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 47013 47014 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 47015 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 47016 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 47017 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 47018 47019 My notion was to start again 47020 Ignoring all they'd done 47021 We quickly turned it into code 47022 To see if it would run. 47023 % 47024 They told me you had proven it 47025 About a month before. 47026 The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try 47027 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed 47028 And after we were done, to them 47029 The new proof would be mailed. 47030 My notion was to start again 47031 Ignoring all they'd done 47032 We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results 47033 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl 47034 Instead of understanding it 47035 We'd run the thing through PRL. 47036 Don't tell a soul about all this 47037 For it must ever be 47038 A secret, kept from all the rest 47039 Between yourself and me. 47040 % 47041 They took some of the Van Goghs, most 47042 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 47043 % 47044 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 47045 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 47046 % 47047 They use different words for things in America. 47048 For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 47049 They say drapes and we say curtains. 47050 They say president and we say brain damaged git. 47051 -- Alexie Sayle 47052 % 47053 They went rushing down that freeway, 47054 Messed around and got lost. 47055 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 47056 And it was life in the fast lane. 47057 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 47058 % 47059 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 47060 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. 47061 % 47062 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 47063 The man said "We got all that we can use", 47064 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 47065 Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 47066 -- Jim Croce 47067 % 47068 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 47069 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 47070 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 47071 for freedom. 47072 -- Stig's Inferno 47073 % 47074 They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 47075 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 47076 % 47077 They're just jealous because they don't have three 47078 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 47079 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 47080 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 47081 % 47082 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 47083 % 47084 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 47085 their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 47086 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 47087 % 47088 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 47089 -- Dwight Eisenhower 47090 % 47091 Things are more like they used to be than they are new. 47092 % 47093 Things are not always what they seem. 47094 -- Phaedrus 47095 % 47096 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 47097 % 47098 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 47099 % 47100 Things past redress and now with me past care. 47101 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47102 % 47103 Things will be bright in P.M. 47104 A cop will shine a light in your face. 47105 % 47106 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 47107 -- Will Rogers 47108 % 47109 Things worth having are worth cheating for. 47110 % 47111 Think big. 47112 Pollute the Mississippi. 47113 % 47114 Think honk if you're a telepath. 47115 % 47116 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 47117 -- Darrell Royal 47118 % 47119 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 47120 % 47121 Think of your family tonight. 47122 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 47123 % 47124 Think sideways! 47125 -- Ed De Bono 47126 % 47127 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 47128 % 47129 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 47130 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 47131 % 47132 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 47133 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 47134 Have made my days and nights imperishable, 47135 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 47136 Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 47137 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 47138 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 47139 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 47140 % 47141 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 47142 when the hostess has only twelve chops. 47143 -- Groucho Marx 47144 % 47145 Thirty white horses on a red hill, 47146 First they champ, 47147 Then they stamp, 47148 Then they stand still. 47149 -- Tolkien 47150 % 47151 This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 47152 Everye nighte and alle, 47153 Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 47154 And Christe receive thy saule. 47155 -- The Lykewake Dirge 47156 % 47157 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 47158 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 47159 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 47160 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 47161 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 47162 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 47163 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 47164 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 47165 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 47166 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 47167 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 47168 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 47169 % 47170 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 47171 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 47172 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 47173 % 47174 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 47175 % 47176 This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 47177 % 47178 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 47179 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 47180 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 47181 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 47182 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 47183 % 47184 This fortune intentionally not included. 47185 % 47186 This fortune intentionally says nothing. 47187 % 47188 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 47189 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 47190 % 47191 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 47192 % 47193 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 47194 % 47195 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 47196 % 47197 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 47198 % 47199 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 47200 % 47201 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 47202 We have emotional moving vans. 47203 -- Bruce Feirstein 47204 % 47205 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 47206 bags! I just won the California lottery!" 47207 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 47208 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 47209 of the house by dinner!" 47210 % 47211 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 47212 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 47213 % 47214 This is a good time to punt work. 47215 % 47216 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 47217 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 47218 % 47219 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 47220 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 47221 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 47222 % 47223 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 47224 and not enough hunchbacks. 47225 % 47226 This is for all ill-treated fellows 47227 Unborn and unbegot, 47228 For them to read when they're in trouble 47229 And I am not. 47230 -- A.E. Housman 47231 % 47232 This is Jim Rockford. 47233 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 47234 % 47235 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 47236 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 47237 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 47238 % 47239 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 47240 I don't talk to machines! [Click] 47241 % 47242 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 47243 % 47244 This is NOT a repeat. 47245 % 47246 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 47247 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 47248 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 47249 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 47250 % 47251 This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 47252 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 47253 % 47254 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 47255 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 47256 and come alone. I'm serious! 47257 % 47258 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 47259 which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 47260 -- Arthur Clarke 47261 % 47262 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 47263 power of computers: 47264 47265 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 47266 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 47267 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 47268 one should eat each day: 47269 47270 1/2 chicken 47271 1 egg 47272 1 glass of skim milk 47273 27 heads of lettuce. 47274 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 47275 % 47276 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 47277 -- Winston Churchill 47278 % 47279 This is the theory that Jack built. 47280 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 47281 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 47282 % 47283 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 47284 And now you know why. 47285 % 47286 This is the way the world ends, 47287 This is the way the world ends, 47288 This is the way the world ends, 47289 Not with a bang but with a whimper. 47290 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 47291 % 47292 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 47293 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 47294 % 47295 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 47296 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 47297 been called by others the fiddle factor..." 47298 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. 47299 % 47300 This land is my land, and only my land, 47301 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 47302 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 47303 This land is private property. 47304 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 47305 % 47306 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 47307 actual life, you would have received further instructions as 47308 to what to do and where to go. 47309 % 47310 This life is yours. Some of it was given 47311 to you; the rest, you made yourself. 47312 % 47313 This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. 47314 % 47315 This login session: $13.99 47316 % 47317 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 47318 % 47319 This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 47320 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 47321 % 47322 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 47323 great force. 47324 -- Dorothy Parker 47325 % 47326 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 47327 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 47328 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 47329 don't actually hurt. 47330 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 47331 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 47332 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 47333 man enough to take me on?" 47334 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 47335 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 47336 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 47337 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 47338 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 47339 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 47340 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 47341 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 47342 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 47343 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 47344 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 47345 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 47346 % 47347 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 47348 got to find a way off this planet. 47349 % 47350 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 47351 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 47352 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 47353 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 47354 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 47355 paper that were unhappy. 47356 -- Douglas Adams 47357 % 47358 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 47359 something child-like. 47360 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 47361 % 47362 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 47363 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 47364 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 47365 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 47366 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 47367 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 47368 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 47369 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 47370 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 47371 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 47372 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 47373 offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 47374 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 47375 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 47376 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 47377 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 47378 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 47379 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 47380 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 47381 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 47382 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 47383 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 47384 % 47385 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 47386 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 47387 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 47388 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 47389 -- Lazarus Long 47390 % 47391 This screen intentionally left blank. 47392 % 47393 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 47394 % 47395 This sentence no verb. 47396 % 47397 This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 47398 % 47399 This thing all things devours: 47400 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 47401 Gnaws iron, bites steel; 47402 Grinds hard stones to meal; 47403 Slays king, ruins town, 47404 And beats high mountain down. 47405 % 47406 This unit... must... survive. 47407 % 47408 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 47409 contents may have occurred during shipment. 47410 % 47411 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 47412 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 47413 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 47414 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 47415 % 47416 This was the most unkindest cut of all. 47417 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 47418 % 47419 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 47420 This was terrible with raisins in it. 47421 -- Dorothy Parker 47422 % 47423 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 47424 % 47425 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 47426 % 47427 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 47428 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 47429 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 47430 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 47431 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 47432 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 47433 and was lying about twenty feet away. 47434 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 47435 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 47436 % 47437 Those lovable Brits department: 47438 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 47439 % 47440 Those of you who think you know everything 47441 are annoying those of us who do. 47442 % 47443 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 47444 % 47445 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 47446 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 47447 at are called software. 47448 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 47449 Literacy for the 1990's. 47450 % 47451 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 47452 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 47453 -- W.S. Krabill 47454 % 47455 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 47456 Silly Putty. 47457 -- Dennis Rawlins 47458 % 47459 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 47460 % 47461 Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 47462 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 47463 % 47464 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 47465 -- George Santayana 47466 % 47467 Those who can't write, write manuals. 47468 % 47469 Those who claim the dead never return 47470 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 47471 % 47472 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 47473 % 47474 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 47475 -- Henry Spencer 47476 % 47477 Those who do things in a noble spirit of 47478 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 47479 -- N. Alexander. 47480 % 47481 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 47482 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 47483 -- Aristotle 47484 % 47485 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 47486 Often have a share in their misfortunes. 47487 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 47488 % 47489 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 47490 world is love. The poor know that it is money. 47491 -- Gerald Brenan 47492 % 47493 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 47494 % 47495 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 47496 will make violent revolution inevitable. 47497 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy 47498 % 47499 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 47500 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 47501 without the roar of its many waters. 47502 -- Frederick Douglass 47503 % 47504 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 47505 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 47506 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 47507 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 47508 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 47509 47510 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 47511 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 47512 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 47513 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 47514 The highest rung. In his bung. 47515 47516 Because in life they prayed so ill 47517 And offered god such swinish swill 47518 Now they sweat in flames of hell 47519 Sweat from lack of APL 47520 Sweat dung! 47521 % 47522 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 47523 % 47524 Thou hast seen nothing yet. 47525 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47526 % 47527 Thou shalt not omit adultery. 47528 % 47529 Though I respect that a lot 47530 I'd be fired if that were my job 47531 After killing Jason off and 47532 Countless screaming argonauts 47533 47534 Bluebird of friendliness 47535 Like guardian angels it's 47536 Always near 47537 47538 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 47539 Who watches over you 47540 Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47541 Not to put too fine a point on it 47542 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 47543 Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47544 47545 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 47546 % 47547 Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 47548 % 47549 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 47550 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 47551 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 47552 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... 47553 A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 47554 more about the matter than the others. 47555 % 47556 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 47557 -- Trollope 47558 % 47559 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 47560 -- Benjamin Franklin 47561 % 47562 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 47563 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 47564 "Old MacDonald had a . . ." 47565 47566 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 47567 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 47568 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 47569 service station," said the Missourian. 47570 "Wrong." 47571 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 47572 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" 47573 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 47574 % 47575 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 47576 is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 47577 -- A.E. Houseman 47578 % 47579 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 47580 late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 47581 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 47582 % 47583 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 47584 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 47585 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 47586 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 47587 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47588 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 47589 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 47590 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47591 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 47592 % 47593 Three rules for sounding like an expert: 47594 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 47595 2. Always point out second-order effects, 47596 but never point out when they can be ignored. 47597 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 47598 % 47599 Throw away documentation and manuals, 47600 and users will be a hundred times happier. 47601 Throw away privileges and quotas, 47602 and users will do the Right Thing. 47603 Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 47604 and there won't be any pirating. 47605 47606 If these three aren't enough, 47607 just stay at your home directory 47608 and let all processes take their course. 47609 % 47610 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 47611 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 47612 -- Bertrand Russell 47613 % 47614 Thus spake the master programmer: 47615 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 47616 is its own hell." 47617 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47618 % 47619 Thus spake the master programmer: 47620 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 47621 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47622 % 47623 Thus spake the master programmer: 47624 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 47625 be productive." 47626 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47627 % 47628 Thus spake the master programmer: 47629 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47630 be maintained." 47631 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47632 % 47633 Thus spake the master programmer: 47634 "Time for you to leave." 47635 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47636 % 47637 Thus spake the master programmer: 47638 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 47639 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47640 % 47641 Thus spake the master programmer: 47642 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 47643 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 47644 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47645 % 47646 Thus spake the master programmer: 47647 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 47648 hardware is useless." 47649 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47650 % 47651 Thus spake the master programmer: 47652 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 47653 can't make him computer literate." 47654 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47655 % 47656 Thyme's Law: 47657 Everything goes wrong at once. 47658 % 47659 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 47660 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 47661 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 47662 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 47663 47664 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 47665 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 47666 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 47667 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 47668 47669 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 47670 And racing around to come up behind you again 47671 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 47672 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 47673 47674 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 47675 is the English way 47676 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 47677 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 47678 Or half a page of scribbled lines 47679 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 47680 % 47681 Tiddely Quiddely 47682 Edward M. Kennedy 47683 Quite unaccountably 47684 Drove in a stream. 47685 47686 Pleas of amnesia 47687 Incomprehensible 47688 Possibly shattered 47689 Political dream. 47690 % 47691 Tiger got to hunt, 47692 Bird got to fly; 47693 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 47694 47695 Tiger got to sleep, 47696 Bird got to land; 47697 Man got to tell himself he understand. 47698 -- The Books of Bokonon 47699 % 47700 Time and tide wait for no man. 47701 % 47702 Time as he grows old teaches all things. 47703 -- Aeschylus 47704 % 47705 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 47706 % 47707 Time goes, you say? 47708 Ah no! 47709 Time stays, *we* go. 47710 -- Austin Dobson 47711 % 47712 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 47713 -- Hector Berlioz 47714 % 47715 Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. 47716 -- Ford Prefect 47717 % 47718 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 47719 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 47720 % 47721 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 47722 % 47723 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 47724 -- Henry David Thoreau 47725 % 47726 Time is nature's way of making sure that 47727 everything doesn't happen at once. 47728 47729 Space is nature's way of making sure that 47730 everything doesn't happen to you. 47731 % 47732 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 47733 -- Theophrastus 47734 % 47735 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 47736 % 47737 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 47738 % 47739 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 47740 % 47741 Time to take stock. 47742 Go home with some office supplies. 47743 % 47744 Time washes clean 47745 Love's wounds unseen. 47746 That's what someone told me; 47747 But I don't know what it means. 47748 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 47749 % 47750 Time will end all my troubles, 47751 but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 47752 % 47753 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 47754 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) 47755 % 47756 timesharing, n: 47757 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 47758 % 47759 Timing must be perfect now. 47760 Two-timing must be better than perfect. 47761 % 47762 Tip of the Day: 47763 Never fry bacon in the nude. 47764 % 47765 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 47766 -- J. LeBoutillier 47767 % 47768 Tip the world over on its side and 47769 everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 47770 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 47771 % 47772 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 47773 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 47774 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 47775 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 47776 they would ordinarily. 47777 There is no music in space. 47778 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 47779 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 47780 % 47781 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 47782 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 47783 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 47784 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 47785 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 47786 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 47787 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 47788 never been easier." 47789 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 47790 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 47791 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 47792 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the 47793 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 47794 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 47795 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 47796 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 47797 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 47798 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 47799 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 47800 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 47801 % 47802 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 47803 % 47804 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 47805 -- H.L. Mencken 47806 % 47807 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 47808 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 47809 stopping at red lights are both optional. 47810 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47811 % 47812 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 47813 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 47814 to spend a few days there. 47815 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47816 % 47817 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 47818 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 47819 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47820 % 47821 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 47822 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 47823 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 47824 Swedes speak better English." 47825 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47826 % 47827 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 47828 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 47829 thousand. 47830 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47831 % 47832 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 47833 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 47834 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 47835 -- Epictetus 47836 % 47837 To add insult to injury. 47838 -- Phaedrus 47839 % 47840 To any truly impartial person, it would 47841 be obvious that I am always right. 47842 % 47843 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 47844 -- Elbert Hubbard 47845 % 47846 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 47847 -- Shelley 47848 % 47849 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 47850 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 47851 -- Thackeray 47852 % 47853 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 47854 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 47855 % 47856 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 47857 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 47858 -- Confucius 47859 % 47860 To be great is to be misunderstood. 47861 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47862 % 47863 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 47864 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 47865 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 47866 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 47867 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 47868 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 47869 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 47870 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 47871 and not be happy. 47872 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 47873 % 47874 To be is to be related. 47875 -- C.J. Keyser. 47876 % 47877 To be is to do. 47878 -- I. Kant 47879 To do is to be. 47880 -- A. Sartre 47881 Do be a Do Bee! 47882 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 47883 Do be do be do! 47884 -- F. Sinatra 47885 Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 47886 -- F. Flintstone 47887 % 47888 To be loved is very demoralizing. 47889 -- Katharine Hepburn 47890 % 47891 to be nobody but yourself in a world 47892 which is doing its best night and day 47893 to make you like everybody else 47894 means to fight the hardest battle 47895 any human being can fight and 47896 never stop fighting. 47897 -- e.e. cummings 47898 % 47899 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 47900 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 47901 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 47902 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 47903 % 47904 To be or not to be. 47905 -- Shakespeare 47906 To do is to be. 47907 -- Nietzsche 47908 To be is to do. 47909 -- Sartre 47910 Do be do be do. 47911 -- Sinatra 47912 % 47913 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 47914 % 47915 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 47916 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 47917 -- Lionel Strachey 47918 % 47919 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 47920 -- Golda Meir 47921 % 47922 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 47923 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 47924 % 47925 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 47926 and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 47927 % 47928 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 47929 % 47930 To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 47931 % 47932 To be wise, the only thing you really need 47933 to know is when to say "I don't know." 47934 % 47935 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 47936 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 47937 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47938 % 47939 To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 47940 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 47941 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 47942 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 47943 To write those routines 47944 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 47945 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 47946 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 47947 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 47948 To this glorious quest, 47949 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 47950 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 47951 destined to lose, 47952 Still strove with his last allocation 47953 To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 47954 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 47955 % 47956 To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 47957 -- AT&T 47958 % 47959 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 47960 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 47961 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 47962 % 47963 To craunch a marmoset. 47964 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 47965 % 47966 To criticize the incompetent is easy; 47967 it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 47968 % 47969 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 47970 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 47971 % 47972 To do nothing is to be nothing. 47973 % 47974 To do two things at once is to do neither. 47975 -- Publilius Syrus 47976 % 47977 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 47978 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 47979 -- H. Poincare 47980 % 47981 To err is human -- but it feels divine. 47982 -- Mae West 47983 % 47984 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 47985 % 47986 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 47987 % 47988 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 47989 % 47990 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 47991 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 47992 % 47993 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 47994 % 47995 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 47996 % 47997 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 47998 % 47999 To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 48000 % 48001 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 48002 -- MIT Assassination Club 48003 % 48004 To err is human, to forgive unusual. 48005 % 48006 To err is human, to purr feline. 48007 To err is human, two curs canine. 48008 To err is human, to moo bovine. 48009 % 48010 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 48011 -- Benjamin Franklin 48012 % 48013 To err is human. 48014 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 48015 % 48016 To err is human, 48017 To purr feline. 48018 -- Robert Byrne 48019 % 48020 To err is humor. 48021 % 48022 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 48023 A time to be born, and a time to die; 48024 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 48025 A time to kill, and a time to heal; 48026 A time to break down, and a time to build up; 48027 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 48028 A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 48029 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 48030 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 48031 A time to gain, and a time to lose; 48032 A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 48033 A time to tear, and a time to sew; 48034 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 48035 A time to love, and a time to hate; 48036 A time of war, and a time of peace. 48037 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 48038 % 48039 To fear love is to fear life, and those 48040 who fear life are already three parts dead. 48041 -- Bertrand Russell 48042 % 48043 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 48044 -- Norman Douglas 48045 % 48046 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 48047 -- Benjamin Franklin 48048 % 48049 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 48050 % 48051 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 48052 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 48053 % 48054 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 48055 persons, two of them absent. 48056 % 48057 To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 48058 % 48059 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 48060 % 48061 To have died once is enough. 48062 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 48063 % 48064 To hell with the Prime Directive; 48065 Let's KILL something! 48066 % 48067 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 48068 -- Thomas Edison 48069 % 48070 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 48071 -- Robert Heller 48072 % 48073 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 48074 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 48075 % 48076 To keep your friends treat them kindly; 48077 to kill them, treat them often. 48078 % 48079 To know Edina is to reject it. 48080 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 48081 % 48082 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 48083 % 48084 To lead people, you must follow behind. 48085 -- Lao Tsu 48086 % 48087 To listen to some devout people, 48088 one would imagine that God never laughs. 48089 -- Sri Aurobindo 48090 % 48091 To love is good, love being difficult. 48092 % 48093 To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 48094 % 48095 To make tax forms true they should 48096 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 48097 % 48098 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 48099 -- St. Augustine 48100 % 48101 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 48102 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 48103 circus and a clown killed my dad. 48104 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48105 % 48106 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 48107 bitters. Shake. 48108 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. 48109 % 48110 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 48111 -- 19th century toast 48112 % 48113 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 48114 % 48115 To restore a sense of reality, I think 48116 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 48117 -- Jack Paar 48118 % 48119 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 48120 % 48121 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 48122 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 48123 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 48124 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 48125 % 48126 To say you got a vote of confidence 48127 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 48128 -- Andrew Young 48129 % 48130 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 48131 % 48132 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 48133 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 48134 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 48135 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 48136 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 48137 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 48138 mind over matter; quite. 48139 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 48140 % 48141 To see you is to sympathize. 48142 % 48143 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 48144 the job will take the longest and cost the most. 48145 % 48146 To stand and be still, 48147 At the Birkenhead drill, 48148 Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 48149 -- Rudyard Kipling 48150 % 48151 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 48152 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 48153 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 48154 % 48155 To stay youthful, stay useful. 48156 % 48157 To teach is to learn. 48158 % 48159 To teach is to learn twice. 48160 -- Joseph Joubert 48161 % 48162 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 48163 % 48164 To Theodore Roosevelt: 48165 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 48166 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 48167 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 48168 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 48169 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 48170 Lord of the Riff 48171 Sultan to the Berbers 48172 Last of the Barbary Pirates 48173 % 48174 To thine own self be true. 48175 (If not that, at least make some money.) 48176 % 48177 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 48178 madness. 48179 -- Eugene Ionesco 48180 % 48181 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 48182 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 48183 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 48184 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 48185 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 48186 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 48187 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 48188 secure ecological niche. 48189 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 48190 % 48191 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 48192 48193 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 48194 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 48195 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 48196 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 48197 to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 48198 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 48199 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your 48200 receiving said benefit. 48201 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 48202 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 48203 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 48204 in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 48205 Amen. 48206 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" 48207 % 48208 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 48209 % 48210 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 48211 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 48212 % 48213 To use violence is to already be defeated. 48214 -- Chinese proverb 48215 % 48216 To whom the mornings are like nights, 48217 What must the midnights be! 48218 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 48219 % 48220 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 48221 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 48222 Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 48223 and take by force a satisfying mesh. 48224 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 48225 You are the master here, and they the slaves. 48226 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 48227 and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 48228 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 48229 What use are words that drive not to the heart? 48230 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 48231 and choose more docile words to take its part. 48232 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 48233 by making love directly to the brain. 48234 % 48235 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 48236 -- Woody Allen 48237 % 48238 Tobacco is a filthy weed, 48239 That from the devil does proceed; 48240 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 48241 And makes a chimney of your nose. 48242 -- B. Waterhouse 48243 % 48244 TODAY: 48245 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 48246 % 48247 Today is a good day for information-gathering. 48248 Read someone else's mail file. 48249 % 48250 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 48251 % 48252 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 48253 % 48254 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 48255 % 48256 Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 48257 % 48258 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 48259 % 48260 Today is the last day of your life so far. 48261 % 48262 Today is what happened to yesterday. 48263 % 48264 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 48265 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 48266 boarder. 48267 % 48268 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 48269 % 48270 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 48271 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 48272 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 48273 -- Bob & Ray 48274 % 48275 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 48276 -- H.S. Thompson 48277 % 48278 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 48279 % 48280 toilet toupee, n: 48281 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 48282 creating endless annoyance to male users. 48283 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 48284 % 48285 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 48286 -- Gore Vidal 48287 % 48288 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 48289 but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 48290 % 48291 Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 48292 % 48293 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 48294 % 48295 Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 48296 -- DEC 48297 % 48298 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 48299 % 48300 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 48301 Don't forget to leave a tip. 48302 % 48303 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 48304 % 48305 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 48306 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 48307 % 48308 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 48309 driving cabs and cutting hair. 48310 -- George Burns 48311 % 48312 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 48313 real fast and freak everybody out. 48314 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48315 % 48316 Too clever is dumb. 48317 -- Ogden Nash 48318 % 48319 Too cool to calypso, 48320 Too tough to tango, 48321 Too weird to watusi 48322 -- The Only Ones 48323 % 48324 Too Late 48325 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 48326 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 48327 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 48328 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 48329 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 48330 % 48331 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 48332 They seem more afraid of life than death. 48333 -- James F. Byrnes 48334 % 48335 Too much is just enough. 48336 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 48337 % 48338 Too much is not enough. 48339 % 48340 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 48341 -- Mae West 48342 % 48343 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 48344 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 48345 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 48346 -- Instrument News 48347 [Once is too often. Ed.] 48348 % 48349 Too ripped. Gotta go. 48350 % 48351 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 48352 % 48353 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 48354 48355 10: Sorry, but that's too useful. 48356 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 48357 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 48358 #pragma is for. 48359 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 48360 hard to write. 48361 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 48362 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 48363 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 48364 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 48365 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 48366 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. 48367 % 48368 Topologists are just plane folks. 48369 Pilots are just plane folks. 48370 Carpenters are just plane folks. 48371 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 48372 Musicians are just playin' folks. 48373 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 48374 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 48375 % 48376 Torque is cheap. 48377 % 48378 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 48379 % 48380 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 48381 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 48382 % 48383 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 48384 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" 48385 % 48386 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 48387 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 48388 -- David Letterman 48389 % 48390 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 48391 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 48392 -- A. Gide 48393 % 48394 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 48395 -- David Letterman 48396 % 48397 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 48398 % 48399 TRANSFER: 48400 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 48401 % 48402 TRANSPARENT: 48403 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 48404 "It's there, but you can't see it" 48405 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. 48406 48407 VIRTUAL: 48408 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 48409 "I can see it, but it's not there." 48410 -- Lady Macbeth. 48411 % 48412 TRANSVESTITE: 48413 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 48414 % 48415 Trap full -- please empty. 48416 % 48417 TRAVEL: 48418 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 48419 % 48420 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 48421 % 48422 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 48423 -- Han Solo 48424 % 48425 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 48426 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 48427 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 48428 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 48429 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 48430 for a short spell?" 48431 % 48432 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 48433 -- Publilius Syrus 48434 % 48435 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 48436 -- Charles DeGaulle 48437 % 48438 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 48439 -- Michelangelo 48440 % 48441 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 48442 % 48443 Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 48444 % 48445 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 48446 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 48447 a brand new series of three. 48448 % 48449 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are 48450 beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. 48451 % 48452 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 48453 % 48454 True happiness will be found only in true love. 48455 % 48456 True leadership is the art of changing 48457 a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 48458 -- Virginia Allan 48459 % 48460 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 48461 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 48462 -- David Mamet 48463 % 48464 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 48465 -- Henrik Tikkanen 48466 % 48467 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 48468 -- Norman Augustine 48469 % 48470 Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 48471 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 48472 % 48473 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 48474 -- Arabian proverb 48475 % 48476 TRUST ME: 48477 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 48478 % 48479 TRUST ME: 48480 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 48481 % 48482 Trust your husband, adore your husband, 48483 and get as much as you can in your own name. 48484 -- Joan Rivers 48485 % 48486 Truth can wait; he's used to it. 48487 % 48488 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 48489 -- Albert Schweitzer 48490 % 48491 Truth is free, but information costs. 48492 % 48493 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 48494 % 48495 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 48496 % 48497 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 48498 -- Mark Twain 48499 % 48500 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 48501 of him that brought her birth. 48502 -- Milton 48503 % 48504 Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 48505 % 48506 TRUTHFUL: 48507 Dumb and illiterate. 48508 % 48509 try again 48510 % 48511 Try not to have a good time ... 48512 This is supposed to be educational. 48513 -- Charles Schulz 48514 % 48515 Try not. 48516 Do. 48517 Or do not. 48518 There is no try. 48519 % 48520 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 48521 % 48522 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 48523 % 48524 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 48525 % 48526 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 48527 % 48528 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 48529 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 48530 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 48531 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 48532 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 48533 -- Amrom Katz 48534 % 48535 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 48536 % 48537 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 48538 % 48539 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 48540 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 48541 % 48542 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 48543 % 48544 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for 48545 which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48546 % 48547 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 48548 -- Alan Watts 48549 % 48550 Trying to get an education here is like 48551 trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 48552 % 48553 T-shirt: 48554 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 48555 % 48556 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 48557 % 48558 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 48559 % 48560 Turn on, tune in, and take over. 48561 -- Tim Leary 48562 % 48563 Turn the other cheek. 48564 -- Jesus Christ 48565 % 48566 Turnaucka's Law: 48567 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 48568 electrical cord. 48569 % 48570 Tussman's Law: 48571 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 48572 % 48573 TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 48574 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48575 % 48576 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 48577 and I never even had the decency to thank her. 48578 -- R.B. Gossling 48579 % 48580 "Twas bergen and the eirie road 48581 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 48582 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 48583 And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 48584 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 48585 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 48586 Long time the folsom foe he sought 48587 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 48588 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 48589 Came whippany through the englewood, 48590 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 48591 and through 48592 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 48593 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 48594 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 48595 He caldwell in his joy. 48596 Did mahwah into patterson: 48597 All jersey were the ocean groves, 48598 And the red bank bayonne. 48599 -- Paul Kieffer 48600 % 48601 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood 48602 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 48603 All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 48604 And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! 48605 48606 "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! 48607 The jaws that bite, and through and through 48608 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. 48609 Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, 48610 And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. 48611 48612 He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 48613 Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 48614 So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 48615 And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. 48616 48617 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48618 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 48619 All mimsy were the borogroves 48620 -- Lewis Carroll 48621 % 48622 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48623 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 48624 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 48625 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 48626 Beware the Jubjub bird, 48627 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 48628 Long time the manxome foe he sought. 48629 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 48630 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 48631 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 48632 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 48633 through 48634 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 48635 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 48636 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 48637 He chortled in his joy. 48638 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48639 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 48640 All mimsy were the borogroves 48641 And the mome raths outgrabe. 48642 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 48643 % 48644 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 48645 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 48646 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 48647 By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 48648 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 48649 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 48650 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 48651 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 48652 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 48653 Came waffling with the truth too good, 48654 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 48655 and through 48656 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 48657 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 48658 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 48659 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 48660 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 48661 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 48662 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 48663 And mammon's wrath them bash! 48664 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 48665 % 48666 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 48667 Did gyre and gimble in their cave 48668 All mimsy was the CS-VAX 48669 And Cory raths outgrave. 48670 48671 "Beware the software rot, my son! 48672 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 48673 Beware the broken pipe, and shun 48674 The frumious system crash!" 48675 % 48676 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 48677 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 48678 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 48679 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 48680 48681 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 48682 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 48683 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 48684 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 48685 48686 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 48687 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 48688 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 48689 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 48690 -- Midnight On The Ocean 48691 % 48692 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 48693 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 48694 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 48695 A satellite spotted him making his way. 48696 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 48697 Was ready for action, and started to fire! 48698 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 48699 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 48700 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 48701 When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 48702 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 48703 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 48704 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 48705 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 48706 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 48707 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 48708 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 48709 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 48710 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 48711 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 48712 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 48713 If the crazy contraption would work very well. 48714 So after a trillion or two had been spent 48715 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 48716 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 48717 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 48718 % 48719 Twenty two thousand days. 48720 Twenty two thousand days. 48721 It's not a lot. 48722 It's all you've got. 48723 Twenty two thousand days. 48724 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 48725 % 48726 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 48727 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 48728 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 48729 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 48730 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 48731 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 48732 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 48733 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 48734 collision course with that ship. 48735 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 48736 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 48737 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 48738 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 48739 degrees!" 48740 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 48741 course 20 degrees." 48742 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 48743 battleship, change course 20 degrees." 48744 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 48745 We changed course. 48746 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 48747 % 48748 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 48749 -- Howard Kandel 48750 % 48751 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 48752 % 48753 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 48754 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 48755 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 48756 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 48757 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 48758 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 48759 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 48760 the movies!" 48761 % 48762 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 48763 barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 48764 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 48765 knows when to stop." 48766 % 48767 Two heads are better than one. 48768 -- John Heywood 48769 % 48770 Two heads are more numerous than one. 48771 % 48772 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 48773 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 48774 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 48775 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 48776 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 48777 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 48778 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 48779 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 48780 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 48781 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 48782 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 48783 % 48784 Two is company, three is an orgy. 48785 % 48786 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 48787 % 48788 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 48789 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 48790 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 48791 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 48792 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 48793 are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 48794 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 48795 You're lost!" 48796 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 48797 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 48798 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 48799 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 48800 % 48801 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 48802 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 48803 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 48804 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 48805 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 48806 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 48807 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 48808 did it and must pay three silver pieces." 48809 % 48810 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 48811 % 48812 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 48813 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 48814 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 48815 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 48816 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 48817 dry side. 48818 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 48819 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 48820 % 48821 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 48822 % 48823 Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 48824 % 48825 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 48826 % 48827 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 48828 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 48829 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 48830 % 48831 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 48832 I forget the second. 48833 % 48834 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 48835 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 48836 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 48837 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 48838 toasts him, "Skoal!" 48839 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 48840 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 48841 % 48842 Two wrongs are only the beginning. 48843 -- Kohn 48844 % 48845 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 48846 -- Thomas Szasz 48847 % 48848 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 48849 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 48850 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 48851 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 48852 48853 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 48854 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 48855 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 48856 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 48857 48858 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 48859 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 48860 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 48861 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 48862 48863 Could fetch it from the furnace deep 48864 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 48865 In the well of sanguine woe? 48866 In what clay & in what mould 48867 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 48868 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 48869 % 48870 Type louder, please. 48871 % 48872 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 48873 Run right up and rub its horn. 48874 Look at all those points you're losing! 48875 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 48876 -- The Roguelet's ABC 48877 % 48878 Udall's Fourth Law: 48879 Any change or reform you make 48880 is going to have consequences you don't like. 48881 % 48882 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 48883 % 48884 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 48885 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 48886 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 48887 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 48888 % 48889 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 48890 Sorry for the confusion. 48891 -- Sun Microsystems 48892 % 48893 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 48894 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 48895 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 48896 coughing and drops dead. 48897 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 48898 % 48899 Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 48900 It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 48901 % 48902 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 48903 Never use your thumb for a rule. 48904 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 48905 % 48906 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 48907 ordinance under which you can be booked. 48908 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 48909 % 48910 Under capitalism, man exploits man. 48911 Under communism, it's just the opposite. 48912 -- J.K. Galbraith 48913 % 48914 Under deadline pressure for the next week. 48915 If you want something, it can wait. 48916 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 48917 % 48918 Under every stone lurks a politician. 48919 -- Aristophanes 48920 % 48921 Under the wide an starry sky, 48922 Dig my grave and let me lie, 48923 Glad did I live and gladly die, 48924 And laid me down with a will, 48925 And this be the verse that you grave for me, 48926 Here he lies where he longed to be, 48927 Home is the sailor home from the sea, 48928 And the hunter home from the hill. 48929 -- R. Kipling 48930 % 48931 Under the wide and heavy VAX 48932 Dig my grave and let me relax 48933 Long have I lived, and many my hacks 48934 And I lay me down with a will. 48935 These be the words that tell the way: 48936 "Here he lies who piped 64K, 48937 Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 48938 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 48939 % 48940 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 48941 Superiority is recessive. 48942 % 48943 understand, v: 48944 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 48945 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 48946 basis of your own internal model instead. 48947 % 48948 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 48949 in relation to a bigger problem. 48950 -- P.D. Ouspensky 48951 % 48952 Unfair animal names: 48953 48954 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead 48955 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus 48956 -- sapsucker -- Clarence 48957 -- Gary Larson 48958 % 48959 UNFAIR COMPETITION: 48960 Selling cheaper than we do. 48961 % 48962 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 48963 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 48964 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 48965 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 48966 -- Jon Bentley 48967 % 48968 Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 48969 -- Bertolt Brecht 48970 % 48971 UNION: 48972 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 48973 % 48974 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 48975 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 48976 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 48977 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 48978 low over the world. 48979 -- Isaac Asimov 48980 % 48981 UNIVERSE: 48982 The problem. 48983 % 48984 universe, n: 48985 The problem. 48986 % 48987 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 48988 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 48989 % 48990 UNIVERSITY: 48991 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 48992 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 48993 you how to fix it, and... 48994 48995 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 48996 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 48997 % 48998 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 48999 -- Henry Kissinger 49000 % 49001 UNIX enhancements aren't. 49002 % 49003 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 49004 of more feet, just to be sure. 49005 -- Eric Allman 49006 49007 ... We make rope. 49008 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory. 49009 % 49010 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 49011 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 49012 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 49013 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 49014 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 49015 -- E. Post 49016 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 49017 % 49018 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 49019 -- Donn Seeley 49020 % 49021 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 49022 lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 49023 -- Michael Jay Tucker 49024 % 49025 UNIX is many things to many people, 49026 but it's never been everything to anybody. 49027 % 49028 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 49029 -- Berry Kercheval 49030 % 49031 Unix, n: 49032 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 49033 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 49034 with the workstation harem. 49035 % 49036 unix soit qui mal y pense 49037 % 49038 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 49039 would also stop you from doing clever things. 49040 -- Doug Gwyn 49041 % 49042 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 49043 % 49044 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 49045 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 49046 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 49047 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 49048 % 49049 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 49050 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 49051 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 49052 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 49053 time waste me. 49054 -- William Shakespeare 49055 % 49056 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 49057 -- E.E. Cummings 49058 % 49059 Unnamed Law: 49060 If it happens, it must be possible. 49061 % 49062 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 49063 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 49064 -- Edward Gibbon 49065 % 49066 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 49067 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 49068 -- H.L. Mencken 49069 % 49070 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 49071 -- Richard Amour 49072 % 49073 UNTOLD WEALTH: 49074 What you left out on April 15th. 49075 % 49076 Up against the net, redneck mother, 49077 Mother who has raised your son so well; 49078 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 49079 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 49080 % 49081 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 49082 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 49083 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 49084 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 49085 % 49086 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 49087 % 49088 Use a pun, go to jail. 49089 % 49090 Use an accordion. Go to jail. 49091 -- KFOG, San Francisco 49092 % 49093 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 49094 if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 49095 -- Henry Van Dyke 49096 % 49097 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 49098 more labor and less oratory. 49099 -- Elizabeth Haley 49100 % 49101 USER: 49102 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 49103 % 49104 User hostile. 49105 % 49106 user, n: 49107 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 49108 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 49109 49110 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 49111 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 49112 % 49113 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 49114 -- S.C. Johnson 49115 % 49116 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 49117 -- Tom Robbins 49118 % 49119 /usr/news/gotcha 49120 % 49121 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 49122 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 49123 % 49124 VACATION: 49125 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 49126 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 49127 life-style to recuperate. 49128 % 49129 Van Roy's Law: 49130 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 49131 % 49132 Van Roy's Law: 49133 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 49134 49135 Van Roy's Truism: 49136 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 49137 % 49138 Variables don't; constants aren't. 49139 % 49140 Vax Vobiscum 49141 % 49142 Vegetables are what food eats. 49143 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 49144 Fish are fast moving vegetables. 49145 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 49146 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 49147 % 49148 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 49149 % 49150 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 49151 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 49152 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 49153 % 49154 Veni, Vidi, VISA: 49155 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 49156 % 49157 Verba volant, scripta manent! 49158 % 49159 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 49160 -- E.F. Benson 49161 % 49162 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 49163 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 49164 thirty-five. 49165 -- Joel Hildebrand 49166 % 49167 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 49168 % 49169 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 49170 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 49171 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 49172 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 49173 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 49174 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 49175 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 49176 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 49177 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 49178 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 49179 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 49180 is presumably working on it. 49181 % 49182 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 49183 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 49184 -- Herodotus 49185 % 49186 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 49187 % 49188 VI: 49189 A hungry dog hunts best. 49190 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 49191 VII: 49192 Decreased business base increases overhead. 49193 So does increased business base. 49194 VIII: 49195 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 49196 is fifth grade arithmetic. 49197 IX: 49198 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 49199 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 49200 X: 49201 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 49202 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 49203 -- Norman Augustine 49204 % 49205 Victory uber allies! 49206 % 49207 Viking, n: 49208 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 49209 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 49210 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 49211 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 49212 in the 9th century. 49213 49214 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 49215 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 49216 property. 49217 % 49218 Vini, vidi, vici. 49219 [I came, I saw, I conquered]. 49220 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 49221 % 49222 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 49223 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 49224 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 49225 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 49226 % 49227 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 49228 % 49229 Violence is molding. 49230 % 49231 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 49232 -- Salvador Hardin 49233 % 49234 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 49235 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 49236 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 49237 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 49238 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 49239 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 49240 -- Tom Robbins 49241 % 49242 VIRGINIA: 49243 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 49244 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 49245 % 49246 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 49247 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 49248 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 49249 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 49250 % 49251 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 49252 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 49253 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 49254 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 49255 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 49256 that old underwear you own. 49257 % 49258 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 49259 only the willingness to make it when necessary. 49260 -- Frederick Dunn 49261 % 49262 Virtue is its own punishment. 49263 -- Denniston 49264 49265 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 49266 -- Aneurin Bevan 49267 % 49268 Virtue is not left to stand alone. 49269 He who practices it will have neighbors. 49270 -- Confucius 49271 % 49272 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 49273 -- La Rochefoucauld 49274 % 49275 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 49276 % 49277 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 49278 % 49279 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 49280 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 49281 % 49282 VMS, n: 49283 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 49284 % 49285 VMS version 2.0 ==> 49286 % 49287 Voicless it cries, 49288 Wingless flutters, 49289 Toothless bites, 49290 Mouthless mutters. 49291 % 49292 VOLCANO: 49293 A mountain with hiccups. 49294 % 49295 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 49296 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 49297 And to him who's scientific 49298 There is nothing that's terrific 49299 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 49300 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 49301 % 49302 Volley Theory: 49303 It is better to have lobbed and lost 49304 than never to have lobbed at all. 49305 % 49306 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 49307 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 49308 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 49309 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 49310 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 49311 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 49312 % 49313 Vote anarchist. 49314 % 49315 Vote early and vote often. 49316 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 49317 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 49318 % 49319 VUJA DE: 49320 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 49321 % 49322 Wad some power the giftie gie us 49323 To see oursels as others see us. 49324 -- R. Browning 49325 % 49326 Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 49327 -- Mark Twain 49328 % 49329 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 49330 -- Pericles 49331 % 49332 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 49333 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 49334 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 49335 (Waiter exits, returns) 49336 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 49337 % 49338 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 49339 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 49340 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 49341 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 49342 49343 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 49344 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 49345 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 49346 Make our country well again, respected by the world. 49347 49348 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 49349 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 49350 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 49351 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 49352 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 49353 % 49354 Wake up and smell the coffee. 49355 -- Ann Landers 49356 % 49357 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 49358 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 49359 % 49360 Walk softly and carry a big stick. 49361 -- Theodore Roosevelt 49362 % 49363 Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 49364 -- Jack Kerouac 49365 % 49366 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 49367 Garp: Gradual school? 49368 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 49369 gradual school. 49370 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 49371 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 49372 -- The World According To Garp 49373 % 49374 Walters' Rule: 49375 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 49376 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 49377 on a plane that left Gate 1. 49378 % 49379 Wanna buy a duck? 49380 % 49381 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 49382 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 49383 But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 49384 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 49385 black gold; 'Texas tea' ... 49386 49387 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 49388 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' 49389 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', 49390 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 49391 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 49392 % 49393 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 49394 % 49395 War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 49396 -- Charles Edward Montague 49397 % 49398 War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 49399 % 49400 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 49401 -- Desiderius Erasmus 49402 % 49403 War is like love, it always finds a way. 49404 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 49405 % 49406 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 49407 -- Clemenceau 49408 % 49409 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 49410 -- Anacreon 49411 % 49412 WARNING: 49413 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 49414 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 49415 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 49416 of your favorite war. 49417 % 49418 WARNING! 49419 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 49420 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 49421 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 49422 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 49423 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 49424 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 49425 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 49426 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 49427 things to the terminal. 49428 % 49429 Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 49430 Survivors will be shot again. 49431 % 49432 WARNING!!! 49433 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 49434 49435 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 49436 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 49437 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 49438 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 49439 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 49440 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 49441 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 49442 49443 See also: flog(1), tm(1) 49444 % 49445 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 49446 In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 49447 There was a time they could cry over books, 49448 But time has set its maggot on their track. 49449 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 49450 What's never known is safest in this life. 49451 Under the skysigns they who have no arms 49452 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 49453 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 49454 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 49455 % 49456 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. 49457 % 49458 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 49459 % 49460 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 49461 -- John F. Kennedy 49462 % 49463 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 49464 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 49465 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 49466 % 49467 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 49468 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 49469 % 49470 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 49471 -- Euripides 49472 % 49473 Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 49474 % 49475 Wasting time is an important part of living. 49476 % 49477 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 49478 % 49479 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 49480 -- Han Solo 49481 % 49482 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 49483 -- Mark Twain 49484 % 49485 Watership Down: 49486 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 49487 % 49488 Watson's Law: 49489 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 49490 number and significance of any persons watching it. 49491 % 49492 WE: 49493 The single most important word in the world. 49494 % 49495 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 49496 when it's necessary to compromise. 49497 -- Larry Wall 49498 % 49499 We all declare for liberty, but in using the 49500 same word we do not all mean the same thing. 49501 -- A. Lincoln 49502 % 49503 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 49504 % 49505 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 49506 % 49507 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 49508 % 49509 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 49510 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 49511 % 49512 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 49513 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 49514 % 49515 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 49516 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 49517 is that it is not crazy enough. 49518 -- Niels Bohr 49519 % 49520 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 49521 before we are fit to participate in society. 49522 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 49523 Correct Behaviour" 49524 % 49525 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 49526 % 49527 We are all born mad. Some remain so. 49528 -- Samuel Beckett 49529 % 49530 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 49531 % 49532 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 49533 -- Oscar Wilde 49534 % 49535 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 49536 -- A. Schweitzer 49537 % 49538 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 49539 -- Winston Churchill 49540 % 49541 We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 49542 -- Ray Bradbury 49543 % 49544 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 49545 -- Whole Earth Catalog 49546 % 49547 We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. 49548 -- Pogo 49549 % 49550 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 49551 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends 49552 % 49553 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 49554 own facts. 49555 -- Patrick Moynihan 49556 % 49557 We are each only one drop in a great 49558 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 49559 % 49560 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 49561 % 49562 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 49563 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 49564 -- J.Hoover 49565 % 49566 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49567 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 49568 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 49569 -- Fidel Castro 49570 % 49571 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 49572 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49573 % 49574 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 49575 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 49576 % 49577 We are not a clone. 49578 % 49579 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 49580 -- John Fisher 49581 % 49582 We are not alone. 49583 % 49584 We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 49585 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 49586 -- Victor Hugo 49587 % 49588 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 49589 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 49590 Manual. 49591 -- Andrew Hume 49592 % 49593 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 49594 % 49595 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 49596 -- Jonathon Swift 49597 % 49598 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 49599 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 49600 49601 This is a recording. 49602 % 49603 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 49604 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 49605 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 49606 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 49607 the substance that cast them. 49608 % 49609 We are the people our parents warned us about. 49610 % 49611 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 49612 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 49613 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 49614 % 49615 We are what we are. 49616 % 49617 We are what we pretend to be. 49618 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 49619 % 49620 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 49621 % 49622 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 49623 -- Yates 49624 % 49625 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 49626 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 49627 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 49628 % 49629 We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 49630 -- Sir Francis Bacon 49631 % 49632 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 49633 -- Calvin Coolidge 49634 % 49635 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 49636 -- Richard Nixon 49637 % 49638 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 49639 feet and go skating. 49640 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. 49641 % 49642 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 49643 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 49644 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 49645 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 49646 beautiful Universe, Our home. 49647 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 49648 % 49649 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 49650 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 49651 % 49652 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 49653 % 49654 We don't care how they do it in New York. 49655 % 49656 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 49657 -- James Watt, noted theologian 49658 % 49659 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 49660 % 49661 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 49662 % 49663 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 49664 that it wasn't a fish. 49665 -- Marshall McLuhan 49666 % 49667 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 49668 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 49669 % 49670 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 49671 -- Pink Floyd 49672 % 49673 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 49674 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 49675 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 49676 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 49677 Chorus: (Chorus) 49678 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 49679 49680 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 49681 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 49682 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 49683 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 49684 (Chorus) (Chorus) 49685 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 49686 % 49687 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 49688 % 49689 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 49690 -- Walter Summers 49691 % 49692 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 49693 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 49694 % 49695 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 49696 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 49697 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 49698 hammer. 49699 -- Charles Darwin 49700 % 49701 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 49702 -- La Rochefoucauld 49703 % 49704 We gotta get out of this place, 49705 If it's the last thing we ever do. 49706 -- The Animals 49707 % 49708 We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 49709 % 49710 We have art that we do not die of the truth. 49711 -- Nietzsche 49712 % 49713 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 49714 % 49715 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 49716 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 49717 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 49718 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 49719 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 49720 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 49721 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 49722 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 49723 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 49724 % 49725 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 49726 -- Carl Sagan 49727 % 49728 We have met the enemy, and he is us. 49729 -- Walt Kelly 49730 % 49731 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 49732 than from the machinations of the wicked. 49733 % 49734 We have no scorched earth policy. 49735 We have a policy of scorched Communists. 49736 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 49737 % 49738 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 49739 our children. 49740 % 49741 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 49742 -- Margaret Mead 49743 % 49744 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 49745 -- John Berryman 49746 % 49747 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 49748 % 49749 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official 49750 name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You 49751 may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another 49752 setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". 49753 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) 49754 your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 49755 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple 49756 of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your 49757 mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that 49758 would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the 49759 police would find you. 49760 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 49761 -- Dave Barry 49762 % 49763 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 49764 % 49765 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 49766 star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 49767 49768 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 49769 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 49770 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 49771 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 49772 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 49773 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 49774 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 49775 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 49776 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 49777 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 49778 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 49779 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 49780 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 49781 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 49782 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 49783 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 49784 % 49785 We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 49786 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 49787 % 49788 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 49789 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 49790 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 49791 to crave knowledge. 49792 -- George Will 49793 % 49794 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 49795 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 49796 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 49797 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 49798 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 49799 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 49800 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 49801 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 49802 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 49803 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 49804 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 49805 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 49806 % 49807 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 49808 -- Eric Hoffer 49809 % 49810 We love our little Johnny 49811 He's the best little boy in all the world 49812 And we wouldn't trade him for anything 49813 That's how much we love him. 49814 No, we couldn't live without him 49815 So that's why, since he died, 49816 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 49817 He's so good, so well-behaved, 49818 Even better than before; 49819 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 49820 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 49821 Never miss our little Johnny, 49822 He'll never grow up and leave us 49823 That's why we love him like we do. 49824 -- Mr. Mincemeat 49825 % 49826 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 49827 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 49828 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 49829 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 49830 -- Cameron Hawley 49831 % 49832 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 49833 than malnutrition. 49834 -- Alex Comfort 49835 % 49836 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 49837 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 49838 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 49839 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 49840 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 49841 and speak English. 49842 -- Alan M. Turing 49843 % 49844 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 49845 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 49846 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 49847 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 49848 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 49849 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 49850 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 49851 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 49852 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 49853 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 49854 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 49855 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 49856 earth. 49857 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 49858 % 49859 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 49860 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 49861 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 49862 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 49863 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 49864 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 49865 % 49866 We may not return the affection of those who like us, 49867 but we always respect their good judgement. 49868 % 49869 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 49870 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 49871 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 49872 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as 49873 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 49874 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 49875 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 49876 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 49877 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 49878 % 49879 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 49880 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 49881 -- Saul Alinsky 49882 % 49883 We must die because we have known them. 49884 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 49885 % 49886 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 49887 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like 49888 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of 49889 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 49890 for chess. 49891 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 49892 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 49893 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 49894 "Stalin," published London, 1939 49895 % 49896 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 49897 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 49898 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 49899 the past. 49900 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 49901 % 49902 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 49903 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 49904 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 49905 -- Walter Lippmann 49906 % 49907 We must remember the First Amendment which 49908 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 49909 -- F.G. Withington 49910 % 49911 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 49912 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 49913 children smart. 49914 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 49915 % 49916 We only acknowledge small faults in order 49917 to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 49918 -- LaRouchefoucauld 49919 % 49920 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 49921 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 49922 forgotten its source. 49923 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 49924 % 49925 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 49926 rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 49927 % 49928 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 49929 % 49930 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 49931 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 49932 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 49933 % 49934 We read to say that we have read. 49935 % 49936 We really don't have any enemies. 49937 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 49938 % 49939 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 49940 -- Thucydides 49941 % 49942 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 49943 -- Jean de la Bruyere 49944 % 49945 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 49946 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 49947 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 49948 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 49949 -- Mark Twain 49950 % 49951 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 49952 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 49953 out and shot. 49954 -- Strange de Jim 49955 % 49956 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 49957 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 49958 themselves. 49959 -- John Locke 49960 % 49961 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 49962 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 49963 -- Dennis Miller 49964 % 49965 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 49966 -- S.I. Hayakawa 49967 % 49968 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 49969 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 49970 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 49971 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 49972 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 49973 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 49974 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 49975 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 49976 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 49977 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 49978 % 49979 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 49980 We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 49981 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 49982 % 49983 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 49984 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 49985 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 49986 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 49987 of America. 49988 % 49989 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 49990 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 49991 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 49992 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 49993 49994 EUPHEMISM REALITY 49995 ------------------- ------------------------- 49996 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 49997 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 49998 Moody Manic-depressive 49999 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 50000 Poet Boring manic-depressive 50001 Sultry/Sensual Easy 50002 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 50003 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 50004 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 50005 Very human Quasimodo's best friend 50006 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 50007 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 50008 Flexible Desperate 50009 Aging child Self-centered adult 50010 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 50011 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 50012 % 50013 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50014 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50015 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50016 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50017 50018 EUPHEMISM REALITY 50019 ------------------- ------------------------- 50020 Independent thinker Crazy 50021 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 50022 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 50023 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 50024 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 50025 Cuddly Overweight 50026 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 50027 Big and beautiful Really Fat 50028 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 50029 Svelte/Slender Anorexic 50030 Dynamic Pushy 50031 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 50032 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 50033 Demanding Will make your life a living hell 50034 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 50035 % 50036 We totally deny the allegations, and 50037 we're trying to identify the allegators. 50038 % 50039 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 50040 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 50041 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 50042 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 50043 % 50044 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 50045 -- R.W. Hamming 50046 % 50047 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 50048 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 50049 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 50050 % 50051 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 50052 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 50053 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 50054 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 50055 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 50056 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 50057 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 50058 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 50059 -- Satchel Paige 50060 % 50061 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 50062 were married for four and a half years. 50063 -- Nick Faldo 50064 % 50065 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 50066 % 50067 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 50068 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 50069 -- Crazy Jimmy 50070 % 50071 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 50072 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 50073 French restaurant. [...] 50074 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 50075 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 50076 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 50077 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 50078 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 50079 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 50080 "Stop the car," the girl said. 50081 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 50082 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 50083 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 50084 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 50085 belle's for thee." 50086 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 50087 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 50088 onto my granola and faced a new day. 50089 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 50090 Competition 50091 % 50092 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 50093 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 50094 extinction. 50095 -- S.J. Gould 50096 % 50097 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 50098 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 50099 % 50100 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 50101 we will cry over things we used to laugh & 50102 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 50103 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 50104 in the end a summer with wild winds & 50105 new friends will be. 50106 % 50107 We wish you a Hare Krishna 50108 We wish you a Hare Krishna 50109 We wish you a Hare Krishna 50110 And a Sun Myung Moon! 50111 -- Maxwell Smart 50112 % 50113 WEAPON: 50114 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 50115 % 50116 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 50117 -- John Heywood 50118 % 50119 Wedding, n: 50120 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 50121 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 50122 supportable. 50123 -- Ambrose Bierce 50124 % 50125 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 50126 % 50127 Weed's Axiom: 50128 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 50129 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 50130 least interested and say nothing about the other. 50131 % 50132 Weekend, where are you? 50133 % 50134 Weiler's Law: 50135 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 50136 % 50137 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 50138 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 50139 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 50140 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 50141 50142 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 50143 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 50144 % 50145 Weinberg's First Law: 50146 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 50147 % 50148 Weinberg's Principle: 50149 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 50150 on to the grand fallacy. 50151 % 50152 Weinberg's Second Law: 50153 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 50154 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 50155 % 50156 Weiner's Law of Libraries: 50157 There are no answers, only cross references. 50158 % 50159 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 50160 He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 50161 -- Dean McLaughlin. 50162 % 50163 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 50164 50165 D G G O 50166 50167 O Y A N 50168 50169 A D B T 50170 50171 K I S P 50172 Enter words: 50173 > 50174 % 50175 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 50176 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 50177 -- Garrison Keillor 50178 % 50179 Welcome to the Zoo! 50180 % 50181 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 50182 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 50183 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 50184 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 50185 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 50186 the reader! For example, the sentence 50187 50188 Jane went to the store to buy bread 50189 50190 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 50191 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 50192 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 50193 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 50194 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 50195 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 50196 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 50197 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 50198 % 50199 Welcome to Utah. 50200 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 50201 % 50202 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 50203 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 50204 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 50205 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 50206 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 50207 *thousands* of words to say it. 50208 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 50209 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 50210 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 50211 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 50212 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 50213 major world power. 50214 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 50215 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 50216 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 50217 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 50218 50219 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 50220 nature and will kill you. 50221 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 50222 -- Dave Barry 50223 % 50224 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 50225 night. Live, on the Death label. 50226 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 50227 % 50228 Well begun is half done. 50229 -- Aristotle 50230 % 50231 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 50232 % 50233 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 50234 % 50235 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 50236 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 50237 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 50238 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 50239 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 50240 per hour, December 7, 1941. 50241 % 50242 Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 50243 Might as well have put it down the drain. 50244 Fancy giving money to the Government! 50245 Nobody will see the stuff again. 50246 Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 50247 Ten to one they'll start another war. 50248 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 50249 Fancy giving money to the Government! 50250 -- A.P. Herbert 50251 % 50252 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 50253 % 50254 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 50255 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 50256 -- Laurie Anderson 50257 % 50258 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot 50259 of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or 50260 mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be 50261 reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 50262 Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months 50263 going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, 50264 such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the 50265 Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public 50266 is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who 50267 ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he 50268 can get through the entire show without answering a single question. 50269 -- Dave Barry 50270 % 50271 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 50272 The headline screamed that I was still alive, 50273 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 50274 I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 50275 In a little cantina that the boys had found, 50276 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 50277 When along came a senorita, 50278 She looked so good that I had to meet her, 50279 I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 50280 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 50281 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 50282 Grow some funk of your own. 50283 We no like to with the gringo fight, 50284 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 50285 ... 50286 Take my advice, take the next flight, 50287 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 50288 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 50289 % 50290 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 50291 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 50292 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 50293 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 50294 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 50295 % 50296 Well, if you can't believe what you read 50297 in a comic book, what *can* you believe? 50298 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 50299 % 50300 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 50301 -- James Thurber 50302 % 50303 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 50304 rights. 50305 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50306 % 50307 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 50308 % 50309 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 50310 % 50311 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 50312 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 50313 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 50314 % 50315 Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 50316 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 50317 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 50318 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 50319 But the meanest thing that he ever did, 50320 Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 50321 ... 50322 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 50323 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 50324 And kill the man that give me that awful name. 50325 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 50326 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 50327 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 50328 At an old saloon on a street of mud, 50329 Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 50330 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 50331 ... 50332 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 50333 From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, 50334 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 50335 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 50336 % 50337 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 50338 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 50339 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 50340 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50341 50342 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 50343 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 50344 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 50345 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50346 50347 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 50348 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 50349 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 50350 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50351 -- Core Dumped Blues 50352 % 50353 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 50354 % 50355 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 50356 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 50357 But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 50358 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 50359 % 50360 Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 50361 % 50362 Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 50363 -- Joe E. Lewis 50364 % 50365 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 50366 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 50367 -- Dave Barry 50368 % 50369 Well, we'll really have a party, 50370 but we've gotta post a guard outside. 50371 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 50372 % 50373 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 50374 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 50375 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 50376 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 50377 % 50378 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 50379 And we're loved everywhere we go. 50380 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 50381 At ten thousand dollars a show. 50382 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 50383 But the thrill we've never known, 50384 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50385 On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50386 50387 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 50388 Who embroiders on my jeans. 50389 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 50390 Drivin' my limousine. 50391 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 50392 But our minds won't be really be blown; 50393 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50394 On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50395 50396 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 50397 Who'll do anything we say. 50398 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 50399 We got all the friends that money can buy, 50400 So we never have to be alone. 50401 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 50402 On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50403 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 50404 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 50405 % 50406 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 50407 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 50408 % 50409 Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 50410 -- Buckaroo Banzai 50411 % 50412 WELL-ADJUSTED: 50413 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 50414 % 50415 We 50416 own 50417 this land. 50418 50419 I don't spend 50420 any time 50421 on this land. 50422 50423 This 50424 is a tiny 50425 little piece 50426 50427 of my 50428 business 50429 interests. 50430 50431 It's like 50432 a grain 50433 of sand. 50434 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 50435 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 50436 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 50437 % 50438 We're all in this alone. 50439 -- Lily Tomlin 50440 % 50441 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 50442 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 50443 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual 50444 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 50445 it's not going to do anything for you. 50446 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 50447 % 50448 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 50449 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 50450 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 50451 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs 50452 % 50453 We're happy little Vegemites, 50454 As bright as bright can be. 50455 We all all enjoy our Vegemite 50456 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 50457 % 50458 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 50459 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 50460 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 50461 a grin. 50462 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 50463 % 50464 We're Knights of the Round Table 50465 We dance whene'er we're able 50466 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 50467 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 50468 We dine well here in Camelot But many times 50469 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 50470 That are quite unsingable 50471 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 50472 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 50473 Between our quests 50474 We sequin vests 50475 And impersonate Clark Gable 50476 It's a busy life in Camelot. 50477 I have to push the pram a lot. 50478 -- Monty Python 50479 % 50480 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 50481 -- D.W. Robertson. 50482 % 50483 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 50484 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 50485 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 50486 -- Ensign Flandry 50487 % 50488 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 50489 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 50490 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 50491 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 50492 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 50493 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 50494 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 50495 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 50496 -- Don Juan 50497 % 50498 We're only in it for the volume. 50499 -- Black Sabbath 50500 % 50501 Were there no women, men might live like gods. 50502 -- Thomas Dekker 50503 % 50504 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 50505 % 50506 Westheimer's Discovery: 50507 A couple of months in the laboratory can 50508 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 50509 % 50510 Wethern's Law: 50511 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 50512 % 50513 We've tried each spinning space mote 50514 And reckoned its true worth: 50515 Take us back again to the homes of men 50516 On the cool, green hills of Earth. 50517 50518 The arching sky is calling 50519 Spacemen back to their trade. 50520 All hands! Standby! Free falling! 50521 And the lights below us fade. 50522 Out ride the sons of Terra, 50523 Far drives the thundering jet, 50524 Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 50525 Out, far, and onward yet-- 50526 50527 We pray for one last landing 50528 On the globe that gave us birth; 50529 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 50530 And the cool, green hills of Earth. 50531 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 50532 % 50533 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 50534 % 50535 What!? Me worry? 50536 -- A.E. Newman 50537 % 50538 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 50539 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 50540 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 50541 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 50542 % 50543 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 50544 understand what a misfortune it is. 50545 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. 50546 % 50547 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 50548 -- WOP, "War Games" 50549 % 50550 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 50551 -- Christopher Fry 50552 % 50553 What an artist dies with me! 50554 -- Nero 50555 % 50556 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 50557 back of a cheque. 50558 -- Brendan Francis 50559 % 50560 What awful irony is this? 50561 We are as gods, but know it not. 50562 % 50563 What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 50564 % 50565 What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 50566 % 50567 What did ya do with your burder and your cross? 50568 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 50569 You and I know that a burden and a cross, 50570 Can only be carried on one man's back. 50571 -- Louden Wainwright III 50572 % 50573 What did you bring that book I didn't want 50574 to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 50575 % 50576 What did you do when the ship sank? 50577 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 50578 % 50579 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 50580 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 50581 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 50582 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 50583 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 50584 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 50585 % 50586 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 50587 -- Jerry Lester 50588 % 50589 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 50590 Not enough sand. 50591 % 50592 What does education often do? 50593 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 50594 -- Henry David Thoreau 50595 % 50596 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 50597 % 50598 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 50599 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 50600 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 50601 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 50602 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 50603 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 50604 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 50605 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 50606 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 50607 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 50608 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 50609 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 50610 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 50611 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 50612 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 50613 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 50614 % 50615 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 50616 -- Nietzsche 50617 % 50618 What ever happened to happily ever after? 50619 % 50620 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 50621 -- Roger von Oech 50622 % 50623 What foods these morsels be! 50624 % 50625 What fools these morals be! 50626 % 50627 What fools these mortals be. 50628 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 50629 % 50630 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 50631 % 50632 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 50633 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 50634 % 50635 What good is a ticket to the good life, 50636 if you can't find the entrance? 50637 % 50638 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 50639 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 50640 % 50641 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 50642 in his footsteps? 50643 % 50644 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 50645 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 50646 % 50647 What happened last night can happen again. 50648 % 50649 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 50650 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 50651 be pretty bad. 50652 -- Dave Barry 50653 % 50654 What happens to a dream deferred? 50655 Does it dry up 50656 Like a raisin in the sun? 50657 Or fester like a sore -- 50658 And then run? 50659 Does it stink like rotten meat? 50660 Or crust and sugar over -- 50661 Like a syrupy sweet? 50662 50663 Maybe it just sags 50664 Like a heavy load. 50665 50666 Or does it explode? 50667 -- Langston Hughes 50668 % 50669 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 50670 % 50671 What has roots as nobody sees, 50672 Is taller than trees, 50673 Up, up it goes, 50674 And yet never grows? 50675 % 50676 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 50677 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 50678 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 50679 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 50680 % 50681 What I tell you three times is true. 50682 -- Lewis Carroll 50683 % 50684 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 50685 % 50686 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 50687 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 50688 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 50689 % 50690 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 50691 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 50692 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 50693 % 50694 What if there had been room at the inn? 50695 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 50696 % 50697 What is a magician but a practising theorist? 50698 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 50699 % 50700 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 50701 -- J.M. Barrie 50702 % 50703 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 50704 them puke. 50705 -- Steve Martin 50706 % 50707 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 50708 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 50709 % 50710 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 50711 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 50712 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 50713 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 50714 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 50715 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 50716 all the weak: Christianity. 50717 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50718 % 50719 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 50720 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 50721 out of him. 50722 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 50723 % 50724 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 50725 an accomplice. 50726 -- Charles Baudelaire 50727 % 50728 What is love but a second-hand emotion? 50729 -- Tina Turner 50730 % 50731 What is mind? No matter. 50732 What is matter? Never mind. 50733 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 50734 % 50735 What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 50736 -- William Blake 50737 % 50738 What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 50739 -- Will Harvey 50740 % 50741 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 50742 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 50743 % 50744 What is status? 50745 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 50746 50747 Uh, no... 50748 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 50749 problem with him. 50750 50751 Uh, that still ain't right... 50752 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 50753 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 50754 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 50755 % 50756 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 50757 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 50758 establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 50759 % 50760 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? 50761 -- Bertold Brecht 50762 % 50763 What is the sound of one hand clapping? 50764 % 50765 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 50766 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 50767 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 50768 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 50769 % 50770 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 50771 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 50772 is the first law of nature. 50773 -- Voltaire 50774 % 50775 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 50776 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 50777 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 50778 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 50779 big thumping lie that will then be believed. 50780 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 50781 British civilian morale, 1939 50782 % 50783 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 50784 which is the exact opposite. 50785 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 50786 % 50787 What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, 50788 but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. 50789 -- Bertrand Russell 50790 % 50791 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 50792 % 50793 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 50794 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 50795 -- Jack Kerouac 50796 % 50797 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 50798 is that there's nothing to compare it with. 50799 % 50800 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 50801 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 50802 % 50803 What makes you think graduate school 50804 is supposed to be satisfying? 50805 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 50806 % 50807 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 50808 % 50809 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 50810 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 50811 % 50812 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 50813 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 50814 -- Wilde 50815 % 50816 What on earth would a man do with himself 50817 if something did not stand in his way? 50818 -- H.G. Wells 50819 % 50820 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 50821 -- John Lilly 50822 % 50823 What one fool can do, another can. 50824 -- Ancient Simian Proverb 50825 % 50826 What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 50827 % 50828 What pains others pleasures me, 50829 At home am I in Lisp or C; 50830 There i couch in ecstasy, 50831 'Til debugger's poke i flee, 50832 Into kernel memory. 50833 In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 50834 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 50835 % 50836 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 50837 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 50838 % 50839 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 50840 more than man's transparency. 50841 -- George Nathan 50842 % 50843 What passes for woman's intuition 50844 is often nothing more than man's transparency. 50845 % 50846 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 50847 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 50848 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 50849 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 50850 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 50851 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 50852 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 50853 -- Susan Gordon 50854 % 50855 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 50856 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 50857 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 50858 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 50859 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 50860 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 50861 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 50862 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 50863 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 50864 their grasp before they were five years old. 50865 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 50866 % 50867 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 50868 -- U.K. LeGuin 50869 % 50870 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 50871 -- J.D. Farley 50872 % 50873 What segment's this, that, laid to rest 50874 On FHA0, is sleeping? 50875 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 50876 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 50877 Dump, dump it and type it out, 50878 The file, the highseg of login. 50879 Why lies it here, on public disk 50880 And why is it now unprotected? 50881 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 50882 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 50883 Dump, dump it and type it out, 50884 The file, the highseg of login. 50885 -- to Greensleeves 50886 % 50887 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 50888 % 50889 What soon grows old? Gratitude. 50890 -- Aristotle 50891 % 50892 What, still alive at twenty-two, 50893 A clean upstanding chap like you? 50894 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 50895 Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 50896 Like enough, you won't be glad, 50897 When they come to hang you, lad: 50898 But bacon's not the only thing 50899 That's cured by hanging from a string. 50900 So, when the spilt ink of the night 50901 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 50902 Lads whose job is still to do 50903 Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 50904 -- Hugh Kingsmill 50905 % 50906 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 50907 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 50908 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 50909 % 50910 What the hell is it good for? 50911 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 50912 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 50913 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 50914 % 50915 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 50916 % 50917 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 50918 -- Nikita Khruschev 50919 % 50920 What they said: 50921 What they meant: 50922 50923 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 50924 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 50925 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 50926 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 50927 "I simply can't say enough good things about him." 50928 (What a screw-up.) 50929 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 50930 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 50931 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 50932 a long way with his skills." 50933 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 50934 "You won't find many people like her." 50935 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 50936 "I cannot recommend him too highly." 50937 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 50938 felony in my presence.) 50939 % 50940 What they said: 50941 What they meant: 50942 50943 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 50944 of him as I do." 50945 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 50946 "Her input was always critical." 50947 (She never had a good word to say.) 50948 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 50949 (And it's nonexistent.) 50950 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 50951 already has so many outstanding members." 50952 (Unless you already have a moron.) 50953 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 50954 one unbelievable result after another." 50955 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 50956 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 50957 (In fact, to life in general...) 50958 % 50959 What they said: 50960 What they meant: 50961 50962 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 50963 (We certainly never succeeded.) 50964 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 50965 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 50966 "Success will never spoil him." 50967 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 50968 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 50969 (And such a sigh of relief.) 50970 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 50971 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 50972 (And his IQ, as well.) 50973 "He should go far." 50974 (The farther the better.) 50975 "He will take full advantage of his staff." 50976 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 50977 % 50978 What they say: What they mean: 50979 50980 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 50981 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 50982 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 50983 to unforseen difficulties 50984 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 50985 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 50986 assured grateful for anything at all. 50987 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 50988 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 50989 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 50990 to say something. 50991 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 50992 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 50993 approach kicking it around. 50994 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 50995 we're moving. 50996 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 50997 inconclusive 50998 Modifications are underway We're starting over. 50999 % 51000 What they say: What they mean: 51001 51002 New Different colors from previous version. 51003 All New Not compatible with previous version. 51004 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 51005 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 51006 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 51007 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 51008 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 51009 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 51010 Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 51011 Years of Development Finally got one to work. 51012 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 51013 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 51014 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 51015 No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 51016 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 51017 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 51018 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 51019 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 51020 % 51021 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 51022 % 51023 What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 51024 % 51025 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 51026 % 51027 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 51028 % 51029 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 51030 % 51031 What time is it? 51032 I don't know, it keeps changing. 51033 % 51034 What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 51035 but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 51036 -- Nietzsche 51037 % 51038 What we Are is God's give to us. 51039 What we Become is our gift to God. 51040 % 51041 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 51042 -- Wittgenstein 51043 % 51044 What we do not understand we do not possess. 51045 -- Goethe 51046 % 51047 What we need is either less corruption, 51048 or more chance to participate in it. 51049 % 51050 What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 51051 -- John Lubbock 51052 % 51053 What we wish, that we readily believe. 51054 -- Demosthenes 51055 % 51056 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 51057 % 51058 What you don't know won't help you much either. 51059 -- D. Bennett 51060 % 51061 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 51062 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 51063 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 51064 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 51065 with as you will. 51066 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 51067 % 51068 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 51069 something to occur to you. 51070 -- Robert Frost 51071 51072 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 51073 referring to AST's.] 51074 % 51075 Whatever became of eternal truth? 51076 % 51077 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 51078 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 51079 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 51080 shredding hundred dollar bills." 51081 -- Herb Caen 51082 % 51083 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 51084 never succeed. 51085 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 51086 % 51087 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 51088 performance. 51089 -- Helen Lawrenson 51090 % 51091 Whatever happened to the good old days 51092 when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 51093 % 51094 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 51095 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 51096 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 51097 % 51098 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 51099 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51100 % 51101 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 51102 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51103 % 51104 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 51105 as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 51106 -- Charlotte Whitton 51107 % 51108 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 51109 you do it. 51110 -- Gandhi 51111 % 51112 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 51113 other people. 51114 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 51115 % 51116 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 51117 % 51118 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 51119 -- Robert Altman 51120 % 51121 What's all this bru-ha-ha? 51122 % 51123 What's another word for "thesaurus"? 51124 -- Steven Wright 51125 % 51126 What's done to children, they will do to society. 51127 % 51128 What's page one, a preemptive strike? 51129 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 51130 % 51131 What's so funny? 51132 % 51133 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 51134 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 51135 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51136 % 51137 What's the ugliest part of your body? 51138 What's the ugliest part of your body? 51139 Some say your nose, 51140 Some say your toes, 51141 But I think it's your mind. 51142 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 51143 % 51144 What's this stuff about people being "released on their 51145 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 51146 % 51147 When a Banker jumps out of a window, 51148 jump after him -- that's where the money is. 51149 -- Robespierre 51150 % 51151 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 51152 % 51153 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 51154 % 51155 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 51156 the principle of the thing," it's the money. 51157 -- Kim Hubbard 51158 % 51159 When a girl can read the handwriting on 51160 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 51161 % 51162 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 51163 inattentions of one. 51164 -- Helen Rowland 51165 % 51166 When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 51167 the first lion thinks the last a bore. 51168 -- G.B. Shaw 51169 % 51170 When a lot of remedies are suggested for 51171 a disease, that means it can't be cured. 51172 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 51173 % 51174 When a man assumes a public trust, he 51175 should consider himself as public property. 51176 -- Thomas Jefferson 51177 % 51178 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 51179 -- Samuel Johnson 51180 % 51181 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 51182 it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 51183 -- Samuel Johnson 51184 % 51185 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 51186 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 51187 hour. That's relativity. 51188 -- Albert Einstein 51189 % 51190 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 51191 keep her. 51192 -- Sacha Guitry 51193 % 51194 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 51195 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 51196 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 51197 liar who has broken his promises. 51198 -- Franklin Adams 51199 % 51200 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 51201 % 51202 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 51203 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 51204 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 51205 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 51206 % 51207 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 51208 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 51209 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 51210 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51211 % 51212 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 51213 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 51214 -- Donnay 51215 % 51216 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 51217 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 51218 -- Wilde 51219 % 51220 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 51221 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 51222 51223 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 51224 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 51225 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 51226 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 51227 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 51228 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 51229 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 51230 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 51231 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 51232 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 51233 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of 51234 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 51235 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 51236 % 51237 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 51238 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 51239 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 51240 -- The Grab Bag 51241 % 51242 When all else fails, EAT!!! 51243 % 51244 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 51245 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 51246 knob. 51247 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 51248 % 51249 When all else fails, read the instructions. 51250 % 51251 When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 51252 % 51253 When all other means of communication fail, try words. 51254 % 51255 When among apes, one must play the ape. 51256 % 51257 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 51258 -- Mark Twain 51259 % 51260 When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51261 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell 51262 % 51263 When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51264 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. 51265 % 51266 When asked the definition of "pi": 51267 The Mathematician: 51268 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 51269 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 51270 The Physicist: 51271 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 51272 The Engineer: 51273 Pi is about 3. 51274 % 51275 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 51276 % 51277 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 51278 -- Brian Aldiss 51279 % 51280 When choosing between two evils, I always 51281 like to take the one I've never tried before. 51282 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 51283 % 51284 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 51285 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 51286 handle this?" 51287 % 51288 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by 51289 reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 51290 % 51291 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 51292 % 51293 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 51294 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 51295 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 51296 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 51297 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 51298 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 51299 -- Josef Goebbels 51300 % 51301 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 51302 % 51303 When does later become never? 51304 % 51305 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 51306 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 51307 % 51308 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 51309 -- Gen. C. Abrams 51310 % 51311 When forecasting, give them a number 51312 or give them a date, but never both. 51313 % 51314 When God endowed human beings with brains, 51315 He did not intend to guarantee them. 51316 % 51317 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 51318 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 51319 -- DeGourmont 51320 % 51321 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 51322 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 51323 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 51324 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 51325 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 51326 himself to destruction. 51327 -- George Plimpton 51328 % 51329 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 51330 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 51331 -- Brendan Behan 51332 % 51333 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 51334 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 51335 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 51336 % 51337 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 51338 in my sleep. 51339 like my grandfather. 51340 51341 not screaming, 51342 like the passengers in his car... 51343 % 51344 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 51345 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 51346 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 51347 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 51348 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 51349 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 51350 the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 51351 % 51352 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 51353 and a willingness to compromise. 51354 -- Weber cartoon caption 51355 % 51356 When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 51357 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 51358 if i'm leaving. 51359 -- Steven Wright 51360 % 51361 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 51362 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 51363 -- Steven Wright 51364 % 51365 When I grow up, I want to be an honest 51366 lawyer so things like that can't happen. 51367 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 51368 % 51369 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 51370 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 51371 what you like now." 51372 -- Tolstoy 51373 % 51374 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 51375 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 51376 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 51377 % 51378 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 51379 % 51380 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 51381 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 51382 % 51383 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 51384 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 51385 -- Franklyn Ajaye 51386 % 51387 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 51388 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 51389 to be seen again. 51390 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 51391 % 51392 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 51393 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 51394 -- Al Capone 51395 % 51396 When I think about myself, 51397 I almost laugh myself to death, 51398 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 51399 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 51400 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 51401 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 51402 When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 51403 I laugh until my stomach ache, 51404 When I think about myself. 51405 My folks can make me split my side, 51406 I laughed so hard I nearly died, 51407 The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 51408 They grow the fruit, 51409 But eat the rind, 51410 I laugh until I start to crying, 51411 When I think about my folks. 51412 -- Maya Angelou 51413 % 51414 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 51415 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 51416 % 51417 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 51418 Now I'm beginning to believe it. 51419 -- Clarence Darrow 51420 % 51421 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 51422 I was an only child... eventually. 51423 -- Stephen Wright 51424 % 51425 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 51426 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 51427 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 51428 -- Jack Handey 51429 % 51430 When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 51431 I was an only child... eventually. 51432 -- Steven Wright 51433 % 51434 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 51435 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 51436 -- Robert Schuman 51437 % 51438 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 51439 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 51440 -- Steven Wright 51441 % 51442 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 51443 51444 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 51445 picture that came with the wallet he bought. 51446 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51447 % 51448 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 51449 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 51450 % 51451 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 51452 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 51453 -- Woody Allen 51454 % 51455 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 51456 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51457 % 51458 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 51459 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 51460 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 51461 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 51462 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 51463 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 51464 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 51465 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 51466 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 51467 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 51468 % 51469 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 51470 had to take drugs and go to concerts. 51471 -- Steven Pearl 51472 % 51473 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 51474 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 51475 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 51476 pieces like this but we all have to do it. 51477 -- Mark Twain 51478 % 51479 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 51480 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 51481 -- Steven Wright 51482 % 51483 When I works, I works hard. 51484 When I sits, I sits easy. 51485 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 51486 % 51487 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 51488 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 51489 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 51490 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 51491 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 51492 questions like a senator. 51493 -- Muhammad Ali 51494 % 51495 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 51496 -- Mae West 51497 % 51498 When in charge ponder, 51499 When in doubt mumble, 51500 When in trouble delegate. 51501 % 51502 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 51503 to apologize than to get permission. 51504 -- Grace Murray Hopper 51505 % 51506 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 51507 % 51508 When in doubt, follow your heart. 51509 % 51510 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 51511 -- Raymond Chandler 51512 % 51513 When in doubt, lead trump. 51514 % 51515 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 51516 -- James H. Boren 51517 % 51518 When in doubt, tell the truth. 51519 -- Mark Twain 51520 % 51521 When in doubt, use brute force. 51522 -- Ken Thompson 51523 % 51524 When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 51525 -- St. Ambrose 51526 % 51527 When in this world the headlines read 51528 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 51529 Who rob and steal from those who need 51530 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51531 Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51532 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 51533 Fighting all who rob or plunder 51534 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 51535 Underdog 51536 UNDERDOG! 51537 % 51538 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 51539 % 51540 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 51541 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 51542 % 51543 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 51544 % 51545 When it is not necessary to make a decision, 51546 it is necessary not to make a decision. 51547 % 51548 When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 51549 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 51550 % 51551 When license fees are too high, 51552 users do things by hand. 51553 When the management is too intrusive, 51554 users lose their spirit. 51555 51556 Hack for the user's benefit. 51557 Trust them; leave them alone. 51558 % 51559 When love is gone, there's always justice. 51560 And when justice is gone, there's always force. 51561 And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 51562 Hi, Mom! 51563 -- Laurie Anderson 51564 % 51565 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 51566 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 51567 % 51568 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 51569 accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 51570 be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 51571 in. 51572 51573 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 51574 51575 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 51576 make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 51577 senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 51578 solved. 51579 51580 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 51581 % 51582 When Marriage is Outlawed, 51583 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 51584 % 51585 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 51586 -- Calvin Coolidge 51587 % 51588 When my brain begins to reel from my 51589 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 51590 -- Ignatius Reilly 51591 % 51592 When my fist clenches crack it open, 51593 Before I use it and lose my cool. 51594 When I smile tell me some bad news, 51595 Before I laugh and act like a fool. 51596 51597 And if I swallow anything evil, 51598 Put you finger down my throat. 51599 And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 51600 Keep me warm let me wear your coat 51601 51602 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 51603 to be the sad man. 51604 Behind blue eyes. 51605 No one knows what its like to be hated, 51606 to be fated, 51607 To telling only lies. 51608 -- The Who 51609 % 51610 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 51611 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 51612 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 51613 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 51614 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 51615 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 51616 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 51617 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 51618 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 51619 most unlikely of situations. 51620 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 51621 % 51622 When neither their poverty nor their honor is 51623 touched, the majority of men live content. 51624 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 51625 % 51626 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 51627 % 51628 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 51629 -- Dylan Thomas 51630 % 51631 When one knows women one pities men, 51632 but when one studies men, one excuses women. 51633 -- Horne Tooke 51634 % 51635 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 51636 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51637 % 51638 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 51639 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 51640 it less and less." 51641 -- Louise Andrews Kent 51642 % 51643 When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 51644 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 51645 And Oxygen still had none 51646 Then Oxygen scored a single goal 51647 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 51648 Called because of rain. 51649 % 51650 When people have trouble communicating, 51651 the least they can do is to shut up. 51652 -- Tom Lehrer 51653 % 51654 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 51655 % 51656 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 51657 % 51658 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 51659 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 51660 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 51661 51662 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 51663 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 51664 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 51665 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 51666 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 51667 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 51668 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 51669 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 51670 % 51671 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 51672 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 51673 is away and you get twice as much done. 51674 -- Daniel B. Luten 51675 % 51676 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 51677 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 51678 % 51679 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 51680 big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 51681 % 51682 When some people discover the truth, they just 51683 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 51684 % 51685 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 51686 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 51687 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 51688 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 51689 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 51690 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 51691 51692 For might makes right, Members of the corps 51693 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 51694 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 51695 peaceful means. 51696 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 51697 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 51698 We only want the world to know 51699 That we support the status quo; 51700 They love us everywhere we go, 51701 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 51702 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 51703 % 51704 When someone says "I want a programming language in 51705 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 51706 -- Alan Perlis 51707 % 51708 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 51709 -- S. Johnson 51710 % 51711 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 51712 % 51713 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 51714 of asterisked sentences: 51715 51716 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 51717 And costs less than $1,300.** 51718 51719 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 51720 51721 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 51722 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 51723 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 51724 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 51725 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 51726 51727 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 51728 you really want to. Or less. 51729 -- Forbes 51730 % 51731 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 51732 -- Turkish proverb 51733 % 51734 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 51735 -- Chinese proverb 51736 % 51737 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 51738 talking about themselves. 51739 % 51740 When the candles are out all women are fair. 51741 -- Plutarch 51742 % 51743 When the cup is full, carry it level. 51744 % 51745 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 51746 -- Billy Sunday 51747 % 51748 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 51749 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 51750 % 51751 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 51752 -- Lynch 51753 % 51754 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 51755 % 51756 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 51757 % 51758 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 51759 -- Hunter S. Thompson 51760 % 51761 When the government bureau's remedies do not match 51762 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 51763 % 51764 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify 51765 the problem, not the remedy. 51766 % 51767 When the Guru administers, the users 51768 are hardly aware that he exists. 51769 Next best is a sysop who is loved. 51770 Next, one who is feared. 51771 And worst, one who is despised. 51772 51773 If you don't trust the users, 51774 you make them untrustworthy. 51775 51776 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 51777 When his work is done, 51778 the users say, "Amazing: 51779 we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 51780 % 51781 When the leaders speak of peace 51782 The common folk know 51783 That war is coming 51784 When the leaders curse war 51785 The mobilization order is already written out. 51786 51787 Every day, to earn my daily bread 51788 I go to the market where lies are bought 51789 Hopefully 51790 I take my place among the sellers. 51791 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 51792 % 51793 When the lights are out, all women are fair. 51794 -- Plutarch 51795 % 51796 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 51797 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 51798 nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. 51799 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 51800 % 51801 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 51802 like a nail. 51803 % 51804 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 51805 -- Richard Nixon 51806 % 51807 When the revolution comes, count your change. 51808 % 51809 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 51810 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 51811 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 51812 right." 51813 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 51814 the wrong joke." 51815 % 51816 When the sun shineth, make hay. 51817 -- John Heywood 51818 % 51819 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 51820 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 51821 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were 51822 set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as 51823 bodies of a lower grade... 51824 -- Stanislaw Lem 51825 % 51826 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 51827 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 51828 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 51829 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 51830 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 51831 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 51832 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 51833 what's your name?" 51834 "Samuel," he mumbled. 51835 "And where're you from, Sam?" 51836 "The balcony." 51837 % 51838 When the wind is great, bow before it; 51839 when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 51840 % 51841 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 51842 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 51843 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 51844 % 51845 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 51846 -- Honore de Balzac 51847 % 51848 When things go well, expect something to 51849 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 51850 % 51851 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, 51852 most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear 51853 that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition 51854 continuously until death do them part. 51855 -- George Bernard Shaw 51856 % 51857 When users see one GUI as beautiful, 51858 other user interfaces become ugly. 51859 When users see some programs as winners, 51860 other programs become lossage. 51861 51862 Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 51863 High level and assembler depend on each other. 51864 Double and float cast to each other. 51865 High-endian and low-endian define each other. 51866 While and until follow each other. 51867 51868 Therefore the Guru 51869 programs without doing anything 51870 and teaches without saying anything. 51871 Warnings arise and he lets them come; 51872 processes are swapped and he lets them go. 51873 He has but doesn't possess, 51874 acts but doesn't expect. 51875 When his work is done, he deletes it. 51876 That is why it lasts forever. 51877 % 51878 When we are planning for posterity, 51879 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 51880 -- Thomas Paine 51881 % 51882 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 51883 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 51884 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 51885 history of war have so few been led by so many. 51886 -- General James Gavin 51887 % 51888 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 51889 % 51890 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be 51891 as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. 51892 % 51893 When we write programs that "learn", 51894 it turns out we do and they don't. 51895 % 51896 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 51897 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 51898 % 51899 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 51900 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 51901 even our virtues. 51902 -- Honore de Balzac 51903 % 51904 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 51905 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 51906 % 51907 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 51908 of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 51909 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 51910 goal. 51911 -- Amrom Katz 51912 % 51913 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 51914 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 51915 -- St. Ambrose 51916 % 51917 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 51918 % 51919 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 51920 % 51921 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 51922 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 51923 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 51924 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 51925 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 51926 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 51927 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 51928 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 51929 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 51930 from, to torture and unsettle us? 51931 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 51932 % 51933 When you become used to never being alone, 51934 you may consider yourself Americanized. 51935 % 51936 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 51937 % 51938 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 51939 -- Brooke Shields 51940 % 51941 When you dig another out of trouble, 51942 you've got a place to bury your own. 51943 % 51944 When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 51945 % 51946 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 51947 % 51948 When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, 51949 When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 51950 There is one thing you should learn, 51951 When there is no one else to turn to, 51952 Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 51953 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 51954 % 51955 When you find yourself in danger, 51956 When you're threatened by a stranger, 51957 When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 51958 51959 There is one thing you should learn, 51960 When there is no one else to turn to, 51961 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 51962 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 51963 % 51964 When you find yourself in danger, 51965 When you're threatened by a stranger, 51966 When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 51967 There is one thing you should learn, 51968 When there is no one else to turn to, 51969 Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. 51970 % 51971 When you get what you want in your struggle for self 51972 And the world makes you king for a day, 51973 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself 51974 And see what that man has to say. 51975 For it isn't your father or mother or wife 51976 Whose judgement upon you must pass; 51977 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life 51978 Is the one staring back from the glass. 51979 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum 51980 And call you a wonderful guy, 51981 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 51982 If you can't look him straight in the eye. 51983 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, 51984 For he's with you clear up to the end, 51985 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 51986 If the man in the glass is your friend. 51987 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life 51988 And get pats on the back as you pass, 51989 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 51990 If you've cheated the man in the glass. 51991 % 51992 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 51993 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 51994 -- Norm Crosby 51995 % 51996 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 51997 % 51998 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 51999 remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 52000 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 52001 % 52002 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 52003 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 52004 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 52005 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 52006 -- R.A. Lafferty 52007 % 52008 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 52009 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war 52010 % 52011 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 52012 moves the ground from beneath your feet. 52013 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52014 % 52015 When you live in a sick society, 52016 just about everything you do is wrong. 52017 % 52018 When you make your mark in the world, 52019 watch out for guys with erasers. 52020 -- The Wall Street Journal 52021 % 52022 When you meet a master swordsman, 52023 show him your sword. 52024 When you meet a man who is not a poet, 52025 do not show him your poem. 52026 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 52027 % 52028 When you overesteem great hackers, 52029 more users become cretins. 52030 When you develop encryption, 52031 more users become crackers. 52032 52033 The Guru leads 52034 by emptying user's minds 52035 and increasing their quotas, 52036 by weakening their ambition 52037 and toughening their resolve. 52038 When users lack knowledge and desire, 52039 management will not try to interfere. 52040 52041 Practice not-looping, 52042 and everything will fall into place. 52043 % 52044 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 52045 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 52046 -- Otto von Bismarck 52047 % 52048 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 52049 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 52050 % 52051 When you try to make an impression, the 52052 chances are that is the impression you will make. 52053 % 52054 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 52055 % 52056 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 52057 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 52058 % 52059 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 52060 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 52061 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 52062 % 52063 When your memory goes, forget it! 52064 % 52065 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 52066 -- Henry J. Kaiser 52067 % 52068 When you're a Yup 52069 You're a Yup all the way 52070 From your first slice of Brie 52071 To your last Cabernet. 52072 52073 When you're a Yup 52074 You're not just a dreamer 52075 You're making things happen 52076 You're driving a Beamer. 52077 % 52078 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 52079 Wretched, bored, dejected, only 52080 Here's the rub, my darling dear, 52081 I feel the same when you are hear. 52082 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 52083 % 52084 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 52085 -- David Pryce-Jones 52086 % 52087 When you're dining out and you suspect 52088 something's wrong, you're probably right. 52089 % 52090 When you're down and out, lift up your 52091 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 52092 % 52093 When you're in command, command. 52094 -- Admiral Nimitz 52095 % 52096 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 52097 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 52098 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 52099 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 52100 % 52101 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 52102 % 52103 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 52104 % 52105 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 52106 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 52107 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52108 % 52109 When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 52110 % 52111 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 52112 some damn fool discovers something which either 52113 abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 52114 % 52115 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 52116 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 52117 to become a parrot or something. 52118 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52119 % 52120 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 52121 -- Dave Parnas 52122 % 52123 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 52124 to spend their weekends with? 52125 -- Rita Rudner 52126 % 52127 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 52128 % 52129 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 52130 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 52131 -- A. Lincoln 52132 % 52133 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 52134 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 52135 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 52136 -- Jack Handey 52137 % 52138 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 52139 -- Oscar Wilde 52140 % 52141 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 52142 We people on the pavement looked at him: 52143 He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 52144 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 52145 And he was always quietly arrayed, 52146 And he was always human when he talked; 52147 But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 52148 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 52149 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 52150 And admirably schooled in every grace: 52151 In fine, we thought that he was everything 52152 To make us wish that we were in his place. 52153 So on we worked, and waited for the light, 52154 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 52155 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 52156 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 52157 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 52158 % 52159 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 52160 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 52161 % 52162 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 52163 is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 52164 on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 52165 -- Mark Twain 52166 % 52167 Whenever you find that you are on the 52168 side of the majority, it is time to reform. 52169 -- Mark Twain 52170 % 52171 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 52172 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 52173 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 52174 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 52175 % 52176 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 52177 % 52178 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 52179 % 52180 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 52181 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 52182 When it's converted to energy? 52183 There is a slight loss of parity. 52184 Johnny's so long at the fair. 52185 % 52186 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 52187 -- Karl Kraus 52188 % 52189 Where do you go to get anorexia? 52190 -- Shelley Winters 52191 % 52192 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 52193 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 52194 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 52195 % 52196 Where is John Carson now that we need him? 52197 -- RLG 52198 % 52199 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 52200 examine the laws of heat. 52201 -- Christopher Morley 52202 % 52203 Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 52204 Why did you leave me here all alone? 52205 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 52206 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 52207 52208 Gloom, despair and agony on me. 52209 Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 52210 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 52211 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 52212 -- Hee Haw 52213 % 52214 Where, oh where, are you tonight? 52215 Why did you leave me here all alone? 52216 I searched the world over, 52217 And I thought I'd found true love, 52218 You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 52219 -- Hee Haw 52220 % 52221 Where the hell is Wall Drug? 52222 % 52223 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 52224 % 52225 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 52226 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 52227 % 52228 Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 52229 -- Goethe 52230 % 52231 Where there's a whip there's a way. 52232 % 52233 Where there's a will, there's a relative. 52234 % 52235 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 52236 % 52237 Where will it all end? 52238 Probably somewhere near where it all began. 52239 % 52240 Where you stand depends on where you sit. 52241 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 52242 % 52243 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 52244 -- Wittgenstein 52245 % 52246 Where's the man could ease a heart 52247 Like a satin gown? 52248 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 52249 % 52250 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 52251 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 52252 -- Richard Shelton 52253 % 52254 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 52255 Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 52256 Go on, do not rest. 52257 -- An old Gujarati hymn 52258 % 52259 Whether you can hear it or not, 52260 The Universe is laughing behind your back. 52261 % 52262 Which would you rather have, a bursting 52263 planet or an earthquake here and there? 52264 -- John Joseph Lynch 52265 % 52266 While anyone can admit to themselves they were 52267 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 52268 % 52269 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52270 The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52271 While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52272 And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52273 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52274 The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52275 -- Robert Burns, 52276 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 52277 % 52278 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52279 The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52280 While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52281 And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52282 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52283 The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52284 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 52285 % 52286 While having never invented a sin, 52287 I'm trying to perfect several. 52288 % 52289 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 52290 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 52291 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 52292 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 52293 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 52294 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 52295 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 52296 % 52297 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 52298 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 52299 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 52300 52301 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52302 referring to hardware interrupts.] 52303 52304 And now I see with eye serene 52305 The very pulse of the machine. 52306 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 52307 52308 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52309 referring to software interrupts.] 52310 % 52311 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 52312 lets you choose your own form of misery. 52313 % 52314 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 52315 % 52316 While most peoples' opinions change, 52317 the conviction of their correctness never does. 52318 % 52319 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 52320 held a gun to his head. 52321 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 52322 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 52323 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 52324 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 52325 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 52326 his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 52327 % 52328 While there's life, there's hope. 52329 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 52330 % 52331 While walking down a crowded 52332 City street the other day, 52333 I heard a little urchin 52334 To a comrade turn and say, 52335 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 52336 I'd be happy as a clam 52337 If only I was de feller dat 52338 Me mudder t'inks I am. 52339 52340 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 52341 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 52342 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 52343 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 52344 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 52345 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 52346 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 52347 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 52348 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 52349 % 52350 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 52351 -- Dean Rusk 52352 % 52353 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 52354 still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 52355 % 52356 While you recently had your problems on the run, 52357 they've regrouped and are making another attack. 52358 % 52359 While your friend holds you affectionately by both 52360 your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. 52361 % 52362 Whip it, whip it good! 52363 % 52364 Whistler's Law: 52365 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 52366 % 52367 Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 52368 % 52369 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 52370 % 52371 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 52372 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 52373 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 52374 % 52375 Whitehead's Law: 52376 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 52377 % 52378 White's Statement: 52379 Don't lose heart! 52380 52381 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 52382 ...they might want to cut it out... 52383 52384 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 52385 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 52386 % 52387 Who are you? 52388 % 52389 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 52390 -- Nathan Pusey 52391 % 52392 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 52393 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 52394 % 52395 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 52396 -- Hattie McDaniel 52397 % 52398 Who does not love wine, women, and song, 52399 Remains a fool his whole life long. 52400 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 52401 % 52402 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 52403 -- Lao Tsu 52404 % 52405 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 52406 -- Thomas Tusser 52407 % 52408 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? 52409 % 52410 Who is John Galt? 52411 % 52412 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 52413 % 52414 Who loves me will also love my dog. 52415 -- John Donne 52416 % 52417 Who loves not wisely but too well 52418 Will look on Helen's face in hell, 52419 But he whose love is thin and wise 52420 Will view John Knox in Paradise. 52421 -- Dorothy Parker 52422 % 52423 Who made the world I cannot tell; 52424 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 52425 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 52426 I never soiled with such a deed. 52427 -- A.E. Housman 52428 % 52429 Who needs companionship when you 52430 can sit alone in your room and drink? 52431 % 52432 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 52433 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 52434 % 52435 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 52436 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 52437 % 52438 Who to himself is law no law doth need, 52439 offends no law, and is a king indeed. 52440 -- George Chapman 52441 % 52442 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 52443 % 52444 Who was that masked man? 52445 % 52446 Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 52447 % 52448 "WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 52449 It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 52450 -- Zippy the Pinhead 52451 % 52452 Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 52453 % 52454 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52455 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 52456 into you. 52457 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52458 % 52459 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52460 become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 52461 looks into you. 52462 -- Nietzsche 52463 % 52464 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 52465 -- Groucho Marx 52466 % 52467 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 52468 pure in heart can make a good soup. 52469 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven 52470 % 52471 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 52472 % 52473 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 52474 % 52475 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 52476 -- Bernard Levin 52477 % 52478 Who's on first? 52479 % 52480 Who's scruffy-looking? 52481 -- Han Solo 52482 % 52483 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 52484 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 52485 % 52486 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 52487 -- Paul Simon 52488 % 52489 Why are programmers non-productive? 52490 Because their time is wasted in meetings. 52491 52492 Why are programmers rebellious? 52493 Because the management interferes too much. 52494 52495 Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 52496 Because they are burnt out. 52497 52498 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 52499 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52500 % 52501 Why are you so hard to ignore? 52502 % 52503 Why are you watching 52504 The washing machine? 52505 I love entertainment 52506 So long as it's clean. 52507 52508 Professor Doberman: 52509 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 52510 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 52511 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 52512 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 52513 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 52514 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 52515 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 52516 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 52517 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 52518 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 52519 implications. 52520 % 52521 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 52522 -- Erik Satie 52523 % 52524 Why be a man when you can be a success? 52525 -- Bertolt Brecht 52526 % 52527 Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? 52528 % 52529 Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? 52530 % 52531 Why be difficult, when, with just a 52532 little more effort, you can be impossible? 52533 % 52534 Why bother building anymore nuclear 52535 warheads until we use the ones we have? 52536 % 52537 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 52538 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 52539 % 52540 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 52541 What's the Latin for office automation? 52542 % 52543 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 52544 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 52545 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 52546 corner." 52547 % 52548 Why do seagulls live near the sea? 52549 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 52550 % 52551 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 52552 It's quite uncanny. 52553 % 52554 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 52555 % 52556 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 52557 % 52558 Why do we want intelligent terminals 52559 when there are so many stupid users? 52560 % 52561 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 52562 -- Carl Sandburg 52563 % 52564 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 52565 % 52566 Why does man kill? He kills for food. 52567 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 52568 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 52569 % 52570 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 52571 -- Jimmy Durante 52572 % 52573 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 52574 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 52575 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 52576 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 52577 pay the fiddler. 52578 -- The Best of Will Rogers 52579 % 52580 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 52581 -- Alan Shepard, the first American in space 52582 % 52583 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 52584 kissed her cow. 52585 -- Rabelais 52586 % 52587 Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52588 52589 I'd LOVE to, but... 52590 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 52591 -- None of my socks match. 52592 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 52593 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 52594 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 52595 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 52596 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 52597 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 52598 named Basil Metabolism. 52599 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 52600 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 52601 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 52602 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 52603 -- I feel a song coming on. 52604 % 52605 Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52606 52607 I'd LOVE to, but... 52608 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 52609 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 52610 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 52611 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 52612 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 52613 -- My subconscious says no. 52614 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 52615 can't seem to put it down. 52616 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 52617 -- I have to study for my blood test. 52618 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 52619 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 52620 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 52621 % 52622 Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52623 52624 I'd LOVE to, but... 52625 -- I have to floss my cat. 52626 -- I've dedicated my life to linguine. 52627 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 52628 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 52629 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 52630 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 52631 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 52632 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 52633 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 52634 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 52635 % 52636 Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52637 52638 I'd LOVE to, but... 52639 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 52640 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 52641 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 52642 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 52643 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 52644 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 52645 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 52646 -- I have to bleach my hare. 52647 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 52648 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 52649 % 52650 Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52651 52652 I'd LOVE to, but... 52653 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 52654 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 52655 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 52656 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 52657 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 52658 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 52659 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 52660 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 52661 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 52662 -- My crayons all melted together. 52663 % 52664 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 52665 % 52666 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 52667 % 52668 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 52669 It is because we are not the person involved. 52670 -- Mark Twain 52671 % 52672 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 52673 -- Stephen Wright 52674 % 52675 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 52676 -- Lily Tomlin 52677 % 52678 Why isn't there some cheap and easy 52679 way to prove how much she means to me? 52680 % 52681 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 52682 are another's. 52683 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 52684 % 52685 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 52686 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 52687 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 52688 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 52689 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 52690 I can't think why not. 52691 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 52692 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 52693 % 52694 Why not go out on a limb? 52695 Isn't that where the fruit is? 52696 % 52697 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 52698 fresh one for a quarter of the price? 52699 % 52700 Why was I born with such contemporaries? 52701 -- Oscar Wilde 52702 % 52703 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 52704 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 52705 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 52706 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 52707 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 52708 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 52709 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 52710 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 52711 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 52712 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 52713 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 52714 eternity for his faithlessness. 52715 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 52716 Fortnightly Review, 1876 52717 % 52718 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 52719 -- Tom Ryan 52720 % 52721 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 52722 % 52723 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 52724 -- The Tasmanian Devil 52725 % 52726 Wiker's Law: 52727 Government expands to absorb all 52728 available revenue and then some. 52729 % 52730 Wilcox's Law: 52731 A pat on the back is only a few 52732 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 52733 % 52734 Will Rogers never met you. 52735 % 52736 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 52737 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 52738 % 52739 Will your long-winded speeches never end? 52740 What ails you that you keep on arguing? 52741 -- Job 16:3 52742 % 52743 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 52744 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice 52745 should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. 52746 Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if 52747 you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a 52748 great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A 52749 writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence 52750 with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word 52751 to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place 52752 pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 52753 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling 52754 participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a 52755 sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid 52756 mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone 52757 should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 52758 their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always 52759 follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; 52760 seek viable alternatives. 52761 % 52762 Williams and Holland's Law: 52763 If enough data is collected, 52764 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 52765 % 52766 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 52767 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 52768 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 52769 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 52770 52771 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 52772 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 52773 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 52774 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 52775 52776 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 52777 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 52778 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 52779 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' 52780 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 52781 % 52782 Wilner's Observation: 52783 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 52784 % 52785 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 52786 -- Vince Lombardi 52787 % 52788 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 52789 % 52790 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 52791 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 52792 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 52793 -- Stephen Wright 52794 % 52795 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 52796 -- Robert Byrne 52797 % 52798 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 52799 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 52800 % 52801 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 52802 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 52803 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 52804 % 52805 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 52806 -- J. Winter Smith 52807 % 52808 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 52809 % 52810 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 52811 -- Frank Tyger 52812 % 52813 WIT: 52814 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 52815 by leaving it out. 52816 % 52817 With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 52818 % 52819 With all the fancy scientists in the world, 52820 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 52821 % 52822 With all the talent around, it's sort of 52823 amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 52824 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 52825 % 52826 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 52827 % 52828 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 52829 they make a law it's a joke. 52830 -- W. Rogers 52831 % 52832 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 52833 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 52834 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 52835 is no such thing as progress. 52836 -- Ransom K. Ferm 52837 % 52838 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 52839 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 52840 -- Tolstoy 52841 % 52842 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 52843 % 52844 With reasonable men I will reason; 52845 with humane men I will plead; 52846 but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 52847 -- William Lloyd Garrison 52848 % 52849 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 52850 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 52851 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 52852 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 52853 parties. 52854 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 52855 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 52856 your G.P.A.?" 52857 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 52858 the city and forty on the highway." 52859 % 52860 With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was 52861 celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus 52862 party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and 52863 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 52864 parties. 52865 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 52866 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 52867 you G.P.A.?" 52868 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least 52869 twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" 52870 % 52871 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 52872 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 52873 close. Like catching snakes. 52874 -- Marlon Brando 52875 % 52876 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 52877 % 52878 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 52879 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 52880 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 52881 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 52882 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 52883 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 52884 them again -- and this time we'd use it. 52885 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 52886 White House's National Security Council, Washington 52887 Post, 21 March, 1982 52888 % 52889 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 52890 -- Alfred North Whitehead 52891 % 52892 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 52893 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 52894 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 52895 important to him than his table or his white robe. 52896 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 52897 % 52898 Without fools there would be no wisdom. 52899 % 52900 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 52901 % 52902 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 52903 % 52904 Without love intelligence is dangerous; 52905 without intelligence love is not enough. 52906 -- Ashley Montagu 52907 % 52908 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 52909 -- Pink Floyd 52910 % 52911 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 52912 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 52913 The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 52914 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 52915 % 52916 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 52917 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 52918 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 52919 % 52920 WOLF: 52921 A man who knows all the ankles. 52922 % 52923 WOMAN: 52924 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 52925 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 52926 -- Bierce 52927 % 52928 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 52929 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 52930 % 52931 Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 52932 want to own one. 52933 -- W.C. Fields 52934 % 52935 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 52936 -- Dumas 52937 % 52938 Woman is generally so bad that the difference 52939 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 52940 -- Tolstoy 52941 % 52942 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 52943 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 52944 I shall be sober in the morning. 52945 % 52946 Woman was God's second mistake. 52947 -- Nietzsche 52948 % 52949 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 52950 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 52951 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 52952 that he might love her. 52953 -- Henry 52954 % 52955 Woman would be more charming if one could 52956 fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 52957 -- DeGourmont 52958 % 52959 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 52960 -- Cervantes 52961 % 52962 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 52963 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 52964 -- Warren Beatty 52965 % 52966 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 52967 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 52968 marriage certificates, and defy you. 52969 -- Jerrold 52970 % 52971 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 52972 from charity, or revenge? 52973 -- Gustave Vapereau 52974 % 52975 Women are just like men, only different. 52976 % 52977 Women are like elephants to me: I like to 52978 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 52979 -- W.C. Fields 52980 % 52981 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 52982 -- Herold 52983 % 52984 Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 52985 -- Napoleon 52986 % 52987 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 52988 -- Stephens 52989 % 52990 Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 52991 -- Pogo 52992 % 52993 Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 52994 but it takes more of them to do it. 52995 % 52996 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 52997 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 52998 -- Ann Landers 52999 % 53000 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 53001 as good as any other. 53002 -- Philippe De Remi 53003 % 53004 Women give themselves to God when the 53005 Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 53006 -- Arnould 53007 % 53008 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 53009 but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 53010 -- Wilde 53011 % 53012 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 53013 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 53014 -- Ansey 53015 % 53016 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 53017 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 53018 original earth clinging to the roots. 53019 -- Bierce 53020 % 53021 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 53022 than men who reason with the head. 53023 -- DeLescure 53024 % 53025 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 53026 but never a man who misses one. 53027 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 53028 % 53029 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 53030 us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 53031 -- Wilde 53032 % 53033 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 53034 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 53035 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 53036 -- Mort Sahl 53037 % 53038 Women waste men's lives and think they have 53039 indemnified them by a few gracious words. 53040 -- Honore de Balzac 53041 % 53042 Women, when they are not in love, have all 53043 the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 53044 -- Honore de Balzac 53045 % 53046 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 53047 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 53048 -- Honore de Balzac 53049 % 53050 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 53051 % 53052 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 53053 % 53054 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 53055 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 53056 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 53057 -- Amiel 53058 % 53059 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 53060 % 53061 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 53062 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 53063 % 53064 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 53065 and philosophy begins in wonder. 53066 Socrates, quoting Plato 53067 % 53068 Wonderful day. 53069 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 53070 % 53071 Woodward's Law: 53072 A theory is better than its explanation. 53073 % 53074 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 53075 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 53076 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 53077 -- Cheers, Airport V 53078 53079 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 53080 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 53081 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 53082 53083 Sam: Beer, Norm? 53084 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 53085 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 53086 % 53087 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 53088 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 53089 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 53090 53091 Sam: What are you up to Norm? 53092 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 53093 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 53094 53095 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 53096 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 53097 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 53098 % 53099 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 53100 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 53101 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53102 53103 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 53104 swallowed the canary. 53105 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 53106 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53107 53108 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 53109 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 53110 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 53111 % 53112 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 53113 Norm: The warranty on my liver. 53114 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 53115 53116 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 53117 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 53118 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 53119 53120 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53121 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 53122 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 53123 % 53124 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 53125 Norm: Poor. 53126 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 53127 Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 53128 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 53129 53130 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 53131 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 53132 -- Cheers, The Proposal 53133 53134 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 53135 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 53136 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 53137 % 53138 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53139 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 53140 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 53141 53142 Sam: How's life treating you? 53143 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 53144 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 53145 53146 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 53147 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 53148 Woody: For a beer? 53149 Norm: No, for stupid questions. 53150 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 53151 % 53152 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 53153 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 53154 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 53155 53156 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 53157 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 53158 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53159 53160 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 53161 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 53162 Eh, make that one-thirty. 53163 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53164 % 53165 Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 53166 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 53167 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 53168 % 53169 Words are the voice of the heart. 53170 % 53171 Words can never express what words can never express. 53172 % 53173 Words have a longer life than deeds. 53174 -- Pindar 53175 % 53176 Words must be weighed, not counted. 53177 % 53178 WORK: 53179 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 53180 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 53181 % 53182 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 53183 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 53184 -- Mark Twain 53185 % 53186 Work continues in this area. 53187 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 53188 % 53189 Work expands to fill the time available. 53190 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 53191 % 53192 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 53193 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 53194 to do so. 53195 -- Bertrand Russell 53196 % 53197 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 53198 -- Schulz 53199 % 53200 Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 53201 -- Mike Romanoff 53202 % 53203 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 53204 a handshake, and have fun. 53205 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 53206 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 53207 % 53208 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 53209 % 53210 Work without a vision is slavery, 53211 Vision without work is a pipe dream, 53212 But vision with work is the hope of the world. 53213 % 53214 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 53215 a valentine. 53216 -- Christopher Plummer 53217 % 53218 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 53219 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 53220 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 53221 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 53222 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 53223 error in the world." 53224 -- Sydney Harris 53225 % 53226 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 53227 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 53228 % 53229 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 53230 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 53231 -- Steve Rubenstein 53232 % 53233 Worst Month of the Year: 53234 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 53235 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 53236 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 53237 -- Steve Rubenstein 53238 % 53239 Worst Vegetable of the Year: 53240 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 53241 -- Steve Rubenstein 53242 % 53243 Worth seeing? 53244 Yes, but not worth going to see. 53245 % 53246 Worthless. 53247 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 53248 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 53249 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 53250 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 53251 15, 1842. 53252 % 53253 WOTD: 53254 53255 ` 53256 53257 % 53258 Would it help if I got out and pushed? 53259 -- Princess Leia Organa 53260 % 53261 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 53262 -- Alfieri 53263 % 53264 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 53265 % 53266 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 53267 -- John Heywood 53268 % 53269 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 53270 % 53271 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 53272 % 53273 Would you like to be tried in court by people 53274 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 53275 % 53276 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 53277 % 53278 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 53279 -- George Carlin 53280 % 53281 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 53282 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 53283 -- Lewis Carroll 53284 % 53285 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 53286 a turn-on? 53287 -- "Broadcast News" 53288 % 53289 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 53290 -- Mark Twain 53291 % 53292 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 53293 -- Anonymous 53294 % 53295 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 53296 % 53297 WRITE-PROTECT TAB: 53298 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 53299 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 53300 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs 53301 the momentary inconvenience. 53302 -- Robb Russon 53303 % 53304 write-protect tab, n: 53305 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 53306 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 53307 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 53308 inconvenience. 53309 -- Robb Russon 53310 % 53311 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 53312 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 53313 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 53314 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 53315 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 53316 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 53317 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 53318 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 53319 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 53320 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 53321 is itself the one hope for salvation. 53322 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 53323 % 53324 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 53325 % 53326 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 53327 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 53328 -- Gene Fowler 53329 % 53330 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 53331 -- J.P. Donleavy 53332 % 53333 Writing software is more fun than working. 53334 % 53335 WRONG! 53336 % 53337 WYSIWYG: 53338 What You See Is What You Get. 53339 % 53340 X windows: 53341 Accept any substitute. 53342 If it's broke, don't fix it. 53343 If it ain't broke, fix it. 53344 Form follows malfunction. 53345 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 53346 The trailing edge of software technology. 53347 Armageddon never looked so good. 53348 Japan's secret weapon. 53349 You'll envy the dead. 53350 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 53351 Let it get in YOUR way. 53352 The problem for your problem. 53353 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 53354 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 53355 Simplicity made complex. 53356 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 53357 Flakey and built to stay that way. 53358 53359 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 53360 X windows. 53361 % 53362 X windows: 53363 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 53364 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 53365 Built to take on the world... and lose! 53366 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 53367 Power tools for Power Fools. 53368 Putting new limits on productivity. 53369 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 53370 Design by counterexample. 53371 A new level of software disintegration. 53372 No hardware is safe. 53373 Do your time. 53374 Rationalization, not realization. 53375 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 53376 Gratuitous incompatibility. 53377 Your mother. 53378 THE user interference management system. 53379 You can't argue with failure. 53380 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 53381 53382 The environment of today... tomorrow! 53383 X windows. 53384 % 53385 X windows: 53386 Something you can be ashamed of. 53387 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 53388 The first fully modular software disaster. 53389 Rome was destroyed in a day. 53390 Warn your friends about it. 53391 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 53392 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 53393 Don't wait for the movie. 53394 Never use it after a big meal. 53395 Need we say less? 53396 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 53397 It'll make your day. 53398 Don't get frustrated without it. 53399 Power tools for power losers. 53400 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 53401 Never had it. Never will. 53402 The software with no visible means of support. 53403 More than just a generation behind. 53404 53405 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 53406 X windows. 53407 % 53408 X windows: 53409 The ultimate bottleneck. 53410 Flawed beyond belief. 53411 The only thing you have to fear. 53412 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 53413 On autopilot to oblivion. 53414 The joke that kills. 53415 A disgrace you can be proud of. 53416 A mistake carried out to perfection. 53417 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 53418 To err is X windows. 53419 Ignorance is our most important resource. 53420 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 53421 Built to fall apart. 53422 Nullifying centuries of progress. 53423 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 53424 The last thing you need. 53425 The defacto substandard. 53426 53427 Elevating brain damage to an art form. 53428 X windows. 53429 % 53430 X windows: 53431 We will dump no core before its time. 53432 One good crash deserves another. 53433 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 53434 We make excuses. 53435 It didn't even look good on paper. 53436 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 53437 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 53438 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 53439 It could happen to you. 53440 The art of incompetence. 53441 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 53442 When uselessness just isn't enough. 53443 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 53444 When you can't afford to be right. 53445 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 53446 53447 If it works, it isn't X windows. 53448 % 53449 X windows: 53450 You'd better sit down. 53451 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 53452 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 53453 Live the nightmare. 53454 Our bugs run faster. 53455 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 53456 There ARE no rules. 53457 You'll wish we were kidding. 53458 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 53459 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 53460 There's got to be a better way. 53461 The next best thing to keypunching. 53462 Leave the thrashing to us. 53463 We wrote the book on core dumps. 53464 Even your dog won't like it. 53465 More than enough rope. 53466 Garbage at your fingertips. 53467 53468 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 53469 X windows. 53470 % 53471 Xerox does it again and again and again and... 53472 % 53473 Xerox never comes up with anything original. 53474 % 53475 XEROX never does anything original. 53476 % 53477 XI: 53478 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 53479 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 53480 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 53481 the managers would fly off. 53482 XII: 53483 It costs a lot to build bad products. 53484 XIII: 53485 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 53486 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 53487 intermingle the two. 53488 XIV: 53489 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 53490 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 53491 of every airplane's weight. 53492 XV: 53493 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 53494 and two-thirds of the problems. 53495 -- Norman Augustine 53496 % 53497 XLI: 53498 The more one produces, the less one gets. 53499 XLII: 53500 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 53501 XLIII: 53502 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 53503 XLIV: 53504 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 53505 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 53506 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 53507 XLV: 53508 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 53509 unexpected should have been expected. 53510 XLVI: 53511 A billion saved is a billion earned. 53512 -- Norman Augustine 53513 % 53514 XLVII: 53515 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 53516 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 53517 XLVIII: 53518 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 53519 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 53520 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 53521 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 53522 XLIX: 53523 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 53524 L: 53525 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 53526 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 53527 as long as the official's who created it. 53528 LI: 53529 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 53530 government workers than there are workers. 53531 LII: 53532 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 53533 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 53534 -- Norman Augustine 53535 % 53536 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 53537 they leave to the imagination is the plot. 53538 % 53539 XVI: 53540 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 53541 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 53542 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 53543 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 53544 XVII: 53545 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 53546 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 53547 XVIII: 53548 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 53549 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 53550 ten degradation accomplished. 53551 XIX: 53552 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 53553 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 53554 XX: 53555 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 53556 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 53557 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 53558 -- Norman Augustine 53559 % 53560 XXI: 53561 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 53562 XXII: 53563 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 53564 not selling advice. 53565 XXIII: 53566 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 53567 currently estimated. 53568 XXIV: 53569 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 53570 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 53571 costly action known to man. 53572 XXV: 53573 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 53574 or a new canvas to an artist. 53575 -- Norman Augustine 53576 % 53577 XXVI: 53578 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 53579 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 53580 XXVII: 53581 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 53582 XXVIII: 53583 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 53584 XXIX: 53585 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 53586 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 53587 hang on about half a decade. 53588 XXX: 53589 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 53590 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 53591 -- Norman Augustine 53592 % 53593 XXXI: 53594 The optimum committee has no members. 53595 XXXII: 53596 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 53597 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 53598 XXXIII: 53599 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 53600 XXXIV: 53601 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 53602 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 53603 randomly. 53604 XXXV: 53605 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 53606 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 53607 the data authenticity. 53608 -- Norman Augustine 53609 % 53610 XXXVI: 53611 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 53612 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 53613 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 53614 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 53615 XXXVII: 53616 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 53617 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 53618 XXXVIII: 53619 The early bird gets the worm. 53620 The early worm ... gets eaten. 53621 XXXIX: 53622 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 53623 the year -- in either direction. 53624 XL: 53625 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 53626 -- Norman Augustine 53627 % 53628 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 53629 % 53630 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 53631 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 53632 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 53633 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 53634 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 53635 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 53636 % 53637 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 53638 rays and became a tangent ? 53639 % 53640 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 53641 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 53642 % 53643 Yea from the table of my memory 53644 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 53645 -- Hamlet 53646 % 53647 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 53648 % 53649 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 53650 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 53651 % 53652 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 53653 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 53654 a private eye. 53655 -- Calvin 53656 % 53657 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 53658 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 53659 % 53660 YEAR: 53661 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 53662 % 53663 Year Name James Bond Book 53664 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 53665 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 53666 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 53667 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 53668 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 53669 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 53670 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 53671 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 53672 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 53673 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 53674 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 53675 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 53676 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 53677 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 53678 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 53679 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 53680 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 53681 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 53682 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 53683 * -- Not a Broccoli production. 53684 % 53685 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 53686 % 53687 Yes, but which self do you want to be? 53688 % 53689 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 53690 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 53691 -- Rita Rudner 53692 % 53693 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 53694 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 53695 Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 53696 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 53697 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 53698 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 53699 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 53700 % 53701 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 53702 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 53703 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 53704 % 53705 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 53706 that order. 53707 -- Jeffrey Honig 53708 % 53709 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 53710 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 53711 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 53712 -- Snoopy 53713 % 53714 Yesterday upon the stair 53715 I met a man who wasn't there. 53716 He wasn't there again today -- 53717 I think he's from the CIA. 53718 % 53719 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 53720 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 53721 I'm not respectable. 53722 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 53723 % 53724 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 53725 feet. 53726 -- John Cheever 53727 % 53728 Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 53729 % 53730 YINKEL: 53731 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 53732 hoping no one will notice. 53733 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 53734 % 53735 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 53736 % 53737 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 53738 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 53739 % 53740 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 53741 % 53742 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 53743 % 53744 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 53745 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 53746 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 53747 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 53748 % 53749 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 53750 -- Philip Whalen 53751 % 53752 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 53753 -- Sherlock Holmes 53754 % 53755 You are always busy. 53756 % 53757 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 53758 % 53759 You are an insult to my intelligence! 53760 I demand that you log off immediately. 53761 % 53762 You are as I am with You. 53763 % 53764 You are capable of planning your future. 53765 % 53766 You are confused; but this is your normal state. 53767 % 53768 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 53769 % 53770 You are destined to become the commandant of the 53771 fighting men of the department of transportation. 53772 % 53773 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 53774 % 53775 You are fairminded, just and loving. 53776 % 53777 You are false data. 53778 % 53779 You are farsighted, a good planner, 53780 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 53781 % 53782 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 53783 % 53784 You are going to have a new love affair. 53785 % 53786 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 53787 % 53788 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 53789 % 53790 You are in the hall of the mountain king. 53791 % 53792 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 53793 % 53794 You are loved by the multitudes. 53795 Have you been to the clinic lately? 53796 % 53797 You are magnetic in your bearing. 53798 % 53799 You are never given a wish without also being given the 53800 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 53801 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 53802 the Advanced Soul" 53803 % 53804 You are not a fool just because you have done 53805 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 53806 % 53807 You are not dead yet. 53808 But watch for further reports. 53809 % 53810 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 53811 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 53812 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 53813 -- Ambrose Bierce 53814 % 53815 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 53816 Please set your clocks back 200 years. 53817 % 53818 You are number 6! Who is number one? 53819 % 53820 "You are old, father William," the young man said, 53821 "And your hair has become very white; 53822 And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 53823 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 53824 53825 "In my youth," father William replied to his son, 53826 "I feared it might injure the brain; 53827 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 53828 Why, I do it again and again." 53829 53830 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 53831 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 53832 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 53833 Pray what is the reason of that?" 53834 53835 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 53836 "I kept all my limbs very supple 53837 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 53838 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 53839 % 53840 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 53841 For anything tougher than suet; 53842 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 53843 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 53844 53845 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 53846 And argued each case with my wife; 53847 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 53848 Has lasted the rest of my life." 53849 53850 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 53851 That your eye was as steady as ever; 53852 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 53853 What made you so awfully clever?" 53854 53855 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 53856 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 53857 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 53858 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 53859 % 53860 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 53861 % 53862 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 53863 Therefore you have few friends. 53864 % 53865 You are sick, twisted and perverted. 53866 I like that in a person. 53867 % 53868 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 53869 % 53870 "You are *so* lovely." 53871 "Yes." 53872 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 53873 % 53874 You are standing on my toes. 53875 % 53876 You are taking yourself far too seriously. 53877 % 53878 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 53879 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 53880 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 53881 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 53882 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 53883 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 53884 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 53885 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 53886 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 53887 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 53888 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 53889 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 53890 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 53891 to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 53892 53893 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 53894 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 53895 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 53896 % 53897 You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 53898 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 53899 % 53900 You ask what a nice girl will do? 53901 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 53902 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 53903 % 53904 You attempt things that you do not even plan 53905 because of your extreme stupidity. 53906 % 53907 You auto buy now. 53908 % 53909 "You boys lookin' for trouble?" 53910 "Sure. Whaddya got?" 53911 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 53912 % 53913 You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 53914 % 53915 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 53916 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 53917 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 53918 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 53919 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 53920 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 53921 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 53922 than a twenty-dollar bill. 53923 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 53924 % 53925 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 53926 -- Tim Leary 53927 % 53928 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 53929 % 53930 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 53931 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 53932 % 53933 You can be replaced by this computer. 53934 % 53935 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 53936 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 53937 % 53938 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 53939 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 53940 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington 53941 % 53942 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 53943 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 53944 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 53945 % 53946 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 53947 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 53948 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 53949 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 53950 -- Quentin Genter 53951 % 53952 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 53953 -- Boris Yeltsin 53954 % 53955 You can cage a swallow, can't you, 53956 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 53957 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 53958 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 53959 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 53960 -- The Palindromist 53961 % 53962 You can create your own opportunities this week. 53963 Blackmail a senior executive. 53964 % 53965 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 53966 -- Janis Joplin 53967 % 53968 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 53969 Why do you find that funny? 53970 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 53971 % 53972 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 53973 Why do you find that funny? 53974 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington 53975 % 53976 You can do very well in speculation where 53977 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 53978 % 53979 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 53980 % 53981 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 53982 and the budget is big enough. 53983 -- Joseph E. Levine 53984 % 53985 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 53986 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 53987 % 53988 You can fool some of the people all of the time, 53989 and all of the people some of the time, 53990 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 53991 % 53992 You can fool some of the people some of the time, 53993 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 53994 % 53995 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 53996 % 53997 You can get everything in life you want, 53998 if you will help enough other people get what they want. 53999 % 54000 You can get much further with a kind word and a 54001 gun than you can with a kind word alone. 54002 -- Al Capone 54003 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 54004 % 54005 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 54006 % 54007 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 54008 % 54009 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 54010 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 54011 54012 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 54013 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 54014 54015 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 54016 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 54017 (chorus) 54018 54019 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 54020 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 54021 (chorus) 54022 % 54023 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 54024 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 54025 your dog. 54026 -- foolin' around 54027 % 54028 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 54029 Don't ever count on having both at once. 54030 -- Lazarus Long 54031 % 54032 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 54033 -- Joe Valachi 54034 % 54035 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 54036 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 54037 % 54038 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 54039 for instance. 54040 -- Franklin P. Jones 54041 % 54042 You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. 54043 % 54044 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 54045 % 54046 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting 54047 his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. 54048 % 54049 You can move the world with an idea, 54050 but you have to think of it first. 54051 % 54052 You can never do just one thing. 54053 -- Hardin 54054 % 54055 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 54056 % 54057 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 54058 % 54059 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 54060 -- Jeannette Rankin 54061 % 54062 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 54063 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 54064 54065 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 54066 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 54067 54068 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 54069 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 54070 % 54071 You can now buy more gates with less 54072 specifications than at any other time in history. 54073 -- Kenneth Parker 54074 % 54075 You can observe a lot just by watching. 54076 -- Yogi Berra 54077 % 54078 You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 54079 % 54080 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 54081 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 54082 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 54083 -- F. Allen 54084 % 54085 You can tell how far we have to go, 54086 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 54087 -- Steven Feiner 54088 % 54089 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 54090 -- Norman Douglas 54091 % 54092 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 54093 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 54094 % 54095 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 54096 I've got to have thirty minutes! 54097 % 54098 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 54099 % 54100 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 54101 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 54102 -- Nathalia Crane 54103 % 54104 You cannot have a science without measurement. 54105 -- R. W. Hamming 54106 % 54107 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 54108 % 54109 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 54110 % 54111 You cannot see the wood for the trees. 54112 -- John Heywood 54113 % 54114 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 54115 -- Indira Gandhi 54116 % 54117 You cannot use your friends and have them too. 54118 % 54119 You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 54120 % 54121 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 54122 % 54123 You can't cheat an honest man, never give 54124 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 54125 -- W.C. Fields 54126 % 54127 You can't cheat the phone company. 54128 % 54129 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 54130 % 54131 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 54132 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 54133 % 54134 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 54135 -- Peter Frampton 54136 % 54137 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 54138 -- H.H. Munro 54139 % 54140 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 54141 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 54142 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 54143 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 54144 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 54145 % 54146 You can't fall off the floor. 54147 % 54148 You can't get there from here. 54149 % 54150 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 54151 % 54152 You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 54153 -- Steven Wright 54154 % 54155 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 54156 -- Ayn Rand 54157 % 54158 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 54159 % 54160 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 54161 % 54162 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 54163 only sooner than she thought you would. 54164 % 54165 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 54166 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 54167 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 54168 % 54169 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 54170 % 54171 You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 54172 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 54173 % 54174 You can't push on a string. 54175 % 54176 You can't run away forever, 54177 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 54178 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 54179 % 54180 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 54181 new way. 54182 -- Will Rogers 54183 % 54184 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 54185 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 54186 -- Lauren Bacall 54187 % 54188 You can't take damsel here now. 54189 % 54190 You can't take it with you -- 54191 especially when crossing a state line. 54192 % 54193 You can't teach people to be lazy -- 54194 either they have it, or they don't. 54195 -- Dagwood Bumstead 54196 % 54197 You can't underestimate the power of fear. 54198 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 54199 % 54200 You climb to reach the summit, but once 54201 there, discover that all roads lead down. 54202 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 54203 % 54204 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 54205 didn't need the first and last month in advance. 54206 % 54207 You could live a better life, if you 54208 had a better mind and a better body. 54209 % 54210 You couldn't even prove the White House 54211 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 54212 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 54213 % 54214 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 54215 % 54216 You dialed 5483. 54217 % 54218 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 54219 % 54220 You do not have mail. 54221 % 54222 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 54223 % 54224 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 54225 if you're not planning on coming back down. 54226 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 54227 % 54228 You don't have to explain something you never said. 54229 -- Calvin Coolidge 54230 % 54231 You don't have to know how the computer 54232 works, just how to work the computer. 54233 % 54234 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 54235 -- J.D. Salinger 54236 % 54237 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 54238 -- Guindon 54239 % 54240 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 54241 reason to eat with knitting needles. 54242 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 54243 % 54244 You enjoy the company of other people. 54245 % 54246 You feel a whole lot more like you do 54247 now than you did when you used to. 54248 % 54249 You fill a much-needed gap. 54250 % 54251 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 54252 what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 54253 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" 54254 % 54255 You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for 54256 an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? 54257 -- Brillat-Savarin 54258 % 54259 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 54260 % 54261 You get what you pay for. 54262 -- Gabriel Biel 54263 % 54264 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 54265 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 54266 -- Goethe 54267 % 54268 You go down to the pickup station, 54269 craving warmth and beauty; 54270 You settle for less than fascination -- 54271 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 54272 And the closing lights strip off the shadows 54273 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 54274 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 54275 you hurry to the blackness 54276 and the blankets to lay down an impression 54277 and your loneliness. 54278 -- Joni Mitchell 54279 % 54280 You got to be very careful if you don't know 54281 where you're going, because you might not get there. 54282 -- Yogi Berra 54283 % 54284 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 54285 And you know it don't come easy ... 54286 I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 54287 And you know it don't come easy ... 54288 % 54289 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 54290 Now it's our turn. 54291 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 54292 % 54293 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 54294 % 54295 You had mail. 54296 Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 54297 % 54298 You had some happiness once, 54299 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 54300 % 54301 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 54302 % 54303 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 54304 % 54305 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 54306 % 54307 You have a message from the operator. 54308 % 54309 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 54310 A pity that it's totally undeserved. 54311 % 54312 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 54313 % 54314 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 54315 % 54316 You have a strong desire for a home 54317 and your family interests come first. 54318 % 54319 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 54320 % 54321 You have a truly strong individuality. 54322 % 54323 You have a will that can be influenced 54324 by all with whom you come in contact. 54325 % 54326 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 54327 -- Lois Platford 54328 % 54329 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 54330 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 54331 -- Aristophanes 54332 % 54333 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 54334 % 54335 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 54336 % 54337 You have an unusual equipment for success. 54338 Be sure to use it properly. 54339 % 54340 You have an unusual understanding of 54341 the problems of human relationships. 54342 % 54343 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 54344 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54345 % 54346 You have been selected for a secret mission. 54347 % 54348 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 54349 % 54350 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 54351 % 54352 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 54353 % 54354 You have mail. 54355 % 54356 You have many friends and very few living enemies. 54357 % 54358 You have no real enemies. 54359 % 54360 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 54361 -- John Viscount Morley 54362 % 54363 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 54364 and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 54365 % 54366 You have taken yourself too seriously. 54367 % 54368 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 54369 You'll learn a lot today. 54370 % 54371 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 54372 % 54373 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 54374 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 54375 -- Lewis Carroll 54376 % 54377 You humans are all alike. 54378 % 54379 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 54380 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 54381 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 54382 % 54383 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 54384 -- Dylan Thomas 54385 % 54386 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 54387 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 54388 % 54389 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 54390 -- Superchicken 54391 % 54392 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 54393 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 54394 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 54395 % 54396 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 54397 -- Maharbal 54398 % 54399 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 54400 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 54401 -- Dean Webber 54402 % 54403 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 54404 -- Garfield 54405 % 54406 You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 54407 You're not a kid at thirty-three, 54408 You play around you lose your wife, 54409 You play too long, you lose your life. 54410 Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 54411 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 54412 % 54413 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 54414 are now extinct. 54415 -- M. Somerset Maugham 54416 % 54417 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 54418 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 54419 like that all the time. 54420 -- Stephen Wright 54421 % 54422 You know, the difference between this company and 54423 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 54424 % 54425 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 54426 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 54427 -- Richard Nixon 54428 % 54429 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 54430 and I had my hands about it. 54431 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 54432 % 54433 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 54434 is revenge. 54435 -- Peter Beard 54436 % 54437 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 54438 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 54439 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 54440 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 54441 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 54442 %% 54443 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 54444 highly trained certified public accountants. 54445 -- Elvis Presley 54446 % 54447 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 54448 -- E.A. Gilliam 54449 % 54450 You know your apartment is small... 54451 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 54452 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 54453 you have to go outside to change your mind. 54454 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 54455 % 54456 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 54457 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 54458 mother is allowed to take. 54459 % 54460 You know you're in a small town when... 54461 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 54462 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 54463 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 54464 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 54465 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 54466 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 54467 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 54468 % 54469 You know you're in trouble when... 54470 1) You wake up face down on the pavement. 54471 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 54472 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 54473 out of the city. 54474 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 54475 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 54476 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 54477 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 54478 % 54479 You know you're in trouble when... 54480 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 54481 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 54482 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 54483 and there aren't any. 54484 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 54485 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 54486 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 54487 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 54488 % 54489 You know you're in trouble when... 54490 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 54491 her own business. 54492 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 54493 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 54494 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 54495 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 54496 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 54497 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 54498 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 54499 % 54500 You know you're in trouble when... 54501 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 54502 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 54503 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 54504 (3) Your income tax check bounces. 54505 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 54506 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 54507 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 54508 after you bought a waterbed. 54509 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 54510 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 54511 for your spouse. 54512 % 54513 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 54514 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 54515 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 54516 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 54517 % 54518 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 54519 % 54520 You learn to write as if to someone else 54521 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 54522 % 54523 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 54524 % 54525 You lived with a man who wore white belts? 54526 Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 54527 -- Remington Steele 54528 % 54529 You look tired. 54530 % 54531 You love peace. 54532 % 54533 You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 54534 % 54535 You may already be a loser. 54536 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. 54537 % 54538 You may be gone tomorrow, but that 54539 doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 54540 % 54541 You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 54542 but you're infinitely larger than others. 54543 % 54544 You may be recognized soon. Hide. 54545 % 54546 You may be right, I may be crazy, 54547 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 54548 -- Billy Joel 54549 % 54550 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 54551 That a young man married is a young man marred. 54552 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 54553 % 54554 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 54555 % 54556 You may have heard that a dean is 54557 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 54558 -- Alfred Kahn 54559 % 54560 You may my glories and my state dispose, 54561 But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 54562 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 54563 % 54564 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 54565 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 54566 % 54567 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 54568 be sold. 54569 % 54570 You mean you didn't *know* she was off 54571 making lots of little phone companies? 54572 % 54573 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 54574 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 54575 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 54576 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 54577 % 54578 You might have mail. 54579 % 54580 You must dine in our cafeteria. 54581 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 54582 % 54583 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 54584 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 54585 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 54586 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 54587 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 54588 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 54589 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 54590 prosecution for perjury and fraud. 54591 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 54592 % 54593 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 54594 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 54595 are merely deputies of that one. 54596 -- Nero Wolfe 54597 % 54598 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 54599 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 54600 % 54601 You need more time; and you probably always will. 54602 % 54603 You need no longer worry about the future. 54604 This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 54605 % 54606 You need not worry about your future. 54607 % 54608 You never gain something but that you lose something. 54609 -- Thoreau 54610 % 54611 You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 54612 % 54613 You never go anywhere without your soul. 54614 % 54615 You never have to change anything you 54616 got up in the middle of the night to write. 54617 -- Saul Bellow 54618 % 54619 You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 54620 tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 54621 these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 54622 advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 54623 even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 54624 Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 54625 get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 54626 antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 54627 until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 54628 right gift. 54629 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 54630 % 54631 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 54632 % 54633 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 54634 -- William Blake 54635 % 54636 You never learned anything by doing it right. 54637 % 54638 You never realize how many friends you 54639 have until you rent a house at the beach. 54640 % 54641 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 54642 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 54643 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 54644 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 54645 guys were getting stoned! 54646 -- Johnny Carson 54647 % 54648 You now have Asian Flu. 54649 % 54650 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 54651 % 54652 You plan things that you do not even 54653 attempt because of your extreme caution. 54654 % 54655 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 54656 % 54657 You prefer the company of the opposite 54658 sex, but are well liked by your own. 54659 % 54660 You probably wouldn't worry about what people 54661 think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 54662 -- Olin Miller 54663 % 54664 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 54665 % 54666 You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 54667 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 54668 % 54669 You say potatoe, 54670 And I say potato. 54671 You say tomatoe, 54672 And I say tomato. 54673 Potatoe, potato, 54674 Tomatoe, tomato. 54675 Let's go be the Vice President... 54676 % 54677 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 54678 % 54679 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 54680 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 54681 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 54682 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 54683 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 54684 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 54685 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 54686 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 54687 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 54688 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 54689 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 54690 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 54691 the useful ones. 54692 -- Sherlock Holmes 54693 % 54694 You see things; and you say "Why?" 54695 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 54696 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 54697 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] 54698 % 54699 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 54700 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 54701 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 54702 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 54703 there is no cat. 54704 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 54705 % 54706 You seek to shield those you love 54707 and you like the role of the provider. 54708 % 54709 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 54710 % 54711 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 54712 -- Joseph Conrad 54713 % 54714 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 54715 % 54716 You should go home. 54717 % 54718 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 54719 incest and folk-dancing. 54720 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 54721 % 54722 You should never bet against anything in science at 54723 odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. 54724 -- E. Rutherford 54725 % 54726 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 54727 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 54728 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 54729 % 54730 You should never wear your best trousers 54731 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 54732 -- Henrik Ibsen 54733 % 54734 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 54735 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 54736 % 54737 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 54738 your feet in it and swish them around a little. 54739 -- Guindon 54740 % 54741 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 54742 % 54743 You teach best what you most need to learn. 54744 % 54745 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 54746 54747 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 54748 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 54749 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 54750 54751 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 54752 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 54753 make really big Zorkmids." 54754 54755 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 54756 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 54757 54758 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 54759 % 54760 You tread upon my patience. 54761 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 54762 % 54763 You two ought to be more careful-- 54764 your love could drag on for years and years. 54765 % 54766 You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 54767 Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 54768 -- W.G. 54769 % 54770 You will always find something in the last place you look. 54771 % 54772 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 54773 % 54774 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 54775 % 54776 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 54777 % 54778 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 54779 % 54780 You will be advanced socially, 54781 without any special effort on your part. 54782 % 54783 You will be aided greatly by a person 54784 whom you thought to be unimportant. 54785 % 54786 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 54787 % 54788 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 54789 % 54790 You will be awarded some great honor. 54791 % 54792 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 54793 % 54794 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 54795 % 54796 You will be dead within a year. 54797 % 54798 You will be divorced within a year. 54799 % 54800 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 54801 % 54802 You will be held hostage by a radical group. 54803 % 54804 You will be honored for contributing 54805 your time and skill to a worthy cause. 54806 % 54807 You will be imprisoned for contributing 54808 your time and skill to a bank robbery. 54809 % 54810 You will be married within a year. 54811 % 54812 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 54813 % 54814 You will be misunderstood by everyone. 54815 % 54816 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 54817 % 54818 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 54819 % 54820 You will be run over by a beer truck. 54821 % 54822 You will be run over by a bus. 54823 % 54824 You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 54825 % 54826 You will be successful in love. 54827 % 54828 You will be surprised by a loud noise. 54829 % 54830 You will be surrounded by luxury. 54831 % 54832 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 54833 % 54834 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 54835 % 54836 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 54837 % 54838 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 54839 % 54840 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 54841 % 54842 You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 54843 % 54844 You will contract a rare disease. 54845 % 54846 You will engage in a profitable business activity. 54847 % 54848 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 54849 % 54850 You will feel hungry again in another hour. 54851 % 54852 You will find me drinking gin 54853 In the lowest kind of inn, 54854 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 54855 -- G.K. Chesterton 54856 % 54857 You will forget that you ever knew me. 54858 % 54859 You will gain money by a fattening action. 54860 % 54861 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 54862 % 54863 You will gain money by an illegal action. 54864 % 54865 You will gain money by an immoral action. 54866 % 54867 You will get what you deserve. 54868 % 54869 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 54870 % 54871 You will have a head crash on your private pack. 54872 % 54873 You will have a long and boring life. 54874 % 54875 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 54876 % 54877 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 54878 % 54879 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 54880 % 54881 You will have long and healthy life. 54882 % 54883 You will have many recoverable tape errors. 54884 % 54885 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 54886 % 54887 You will inherit millions of dollars. 54888 % 54889 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 54890 % 54891 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 54892 % 54893 You will live to see your grandchildren. 54894 % 54895 You will lose an important disk file. 54896 % 54897 You will lose an important tape file. 54898 % 54899 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 54900 % 54901 You will never amount to much. 54902 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 54903 % 54904 You will never know hunger. 54905 % 54906 You will not be elected to public office this year. 54907 % 54908 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 54909 % 54910 You will outgrow your usefulness. 54911 % 54912 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 54913 % 54914 You will pass away very quickly. 54915 % 54916 You will pay for your sins. 54917 If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 54918 % 54919 You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 54920 % 54921 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 54922 % 54923 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 54924 % 54925 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 54926 % 54927 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 54928 % 54929 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty 54930 family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley 54931 had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 54932 -- Sherlock Holmes 54933 % 54934 You will soon forget this. 54935 % 54936 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 54937 % 54938 You will step on the night soil of many countries. 54939 % 54940 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 54941 but only because your brakes are defective. 54942 % 54943 You will triumph over your enemy. 54944 % 54945 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 54946 % 54947 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 54948 % 54949 You will wish you hadn't. 54950 % 54951 You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 54952 -- Frank Hubbard 54953 % 54954 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 54955 % 54956 You worry too much about your job. 54957 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 54958 % 54959 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 54960 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 54961 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 54962 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 54963 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 54964 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 54965 yourself in this way." 54966 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 54967 % 54968 You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 54969 % 54970 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 54971 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 54972 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 54973 % 54974 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 54975 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 54976 % 54977 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 54978 % 54979 You'll always be, 54980 What you always were, 54981 Which has nothing to do with, 54982 All to do, with her. 54983 -- Company 54984 % 54985 You'll be called to a post requiring 54986 ability in handling groups of people. 54987 % 54988 You'll be sorry... 54989 % 54990 You'll feel devilish tonight. 54991 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 54992 % 54993 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 54994 % 54995 You'll never be the man your mother was! 54996 % 54997 You'll never see all the places, or read all the 54998 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 54999 % 55000 You'll wish that you had done some of the 55001 hard things when they were easier to do. 55002 % 55003 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 55004 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 55005 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 55006 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 55007 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 55008 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 55009 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 55010 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 55011 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 55012 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 55013 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 55014 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 55015 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 55016 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 55017 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 55018 the defects of both. 55019 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 55020 % 55021 Young men, hear an old man to whom 55022 old men hearkened when he was young. 55023 -- Augustus Caesar 55024 % 55025 Young men think old men are fools; 55026 but old men know young men are fools. 55027 -- George Chapman 55028 % 55029 Your aim is high and to the right. 55030 % 55031 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 55032 % 55033 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 55034 Don't believe a thing he tells you. 55035 % 55036 Your best consolation is the hope that the things 55037 you failed to get weren't really worth having. 55038 % 55039 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 55040 % 55041 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 55042 % 55043 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 55044 % 55045 Your business will assume vast proportions. 55046 % 55047 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 55048 % 55049 Your code should be more efficient! 55050 % 55051 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 55052 % 55053 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 55054 % 55055 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 55056 ...Here's How You Can Tell 55057 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 55058 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 55059 listed 10 signs to watch for: 55060 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 55061 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 55062 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 55063 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 55064 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 55065 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 55066 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 55067 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 55068 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 55069 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 55070 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 55071 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 55072 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. 55073 55074 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 55075 % 55076 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 55077 % 55078 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 55079 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 55080 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 55081 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 55082 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 55083 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 55084 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 55085 seconds if we felt like it. 55086 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 55087 % 55088 Your domestic life may be harmonious. 55089 % 55090 Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 55091 % 55092 Your fault - core dumped 55093 % 55094 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 55095 EOF 55096 % 55097 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 55098 % 55099 YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55100 by Miss Fortune 55101 55102 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 55103 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 55104 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 55105 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 55106 California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 55107 55108 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 55109 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 55110 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 55111 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 55112 other discover your good qualities without your help. 55113 % 55114 YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55115 by Miss Fortune 55116 55117 ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 55118 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be 55119 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 55120 and you will live all the days of your life. 55121 55122 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 55123 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 55124 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 55125 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 55126 miss two car payments. 55127 55128 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 55129 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 55130 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 55131 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 55132 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 55133 you meet in court. 55134 % 55135 YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55136 by Miss Fortune 55137 55138 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 55139 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 55140 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 55141 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 55142 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 55143 55144 LEO (July 23 - August 22) 55145 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 55146 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 55147 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 55148 shop. 55149 55150 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 55151 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 55152 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 55153 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 55154 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 55155 than people who work standing up. 55156 % 55157 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 55158 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 55159 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 55160 % 55161 Your goose is cooked. 55162 (Your current chick is burned up too!) 55163 % 55164 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 55165 % 55166 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 55167 % 55168 Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 55169 % 55170 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 55171 % 55172 Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 55173 % 55174 Your love life will be... interesting. 55175 % 55176 Your lover will never wish to leave you. 55177 % 55178 Your lucky color has faded. 55179 % 55180 Your lucky number has been disconnected. 55181 % 55182 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 55183 Watch for it everywhere. 55184 % 55185 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 55186 original and the part that is original is not good. 55187 -- Samuel Johnson 55188 % 55189 Your mind is the part of you that says, 55190 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 55191 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 55192 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 55193 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 55194 % 55195 Your mind understands what you have been 55196 taught; your heart, what is true. 55197 % 55198 Your mode of life will be changed for 55199 the better because of good news soon. 55200 % 55201 Your mode of life will be changed for 55202 the better because of new developments. 55203 % 55204 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 55205 % 55206 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 55207 % 55208 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 55209 Face like ice, a little bit colder 55210 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 55211 You learned in school" 55212 But I don't really see 55213 Why can't we go on as three? 55214 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 55215 % 55216 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 55217 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 55218 % 55219 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 55220 % 55221 Your object is to save the world, 55222 while still leading a pleasant life. 55223 % 55224 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 55225 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 55226 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 55227 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 55228 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 55229 change. 55230 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 55231 % 55232 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 55233 % 55234 Your password is pitifully obvious. 55235 % 55236 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 55237 % 55238 Your present plans will be successful. 55239 % 55240 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 55241 % 55242 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 55243 % 55244 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 55245 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 55246 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 55247 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 55248 success. 55249 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 55250 % 55251 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 55252 % 55253 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 55254 % 55255 Your step will soil many countries. 55256 % 55257 Your supervisor is thinking about you. 55258 % 55259 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 55260 % 55261 Your temporary financial embarrassment will 55262 be relieved in a surprising manner. 55263 % 55264 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 55265 % 55266 Your wig steers the gig. 55267 -- Lord Buckley 55268 % 55269 Your wise men don't know how it feels 55270 To be thick as a brick. 55271 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 55272 % 55273 Your worship is your furnaces 55274 which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 55275 have molten bowels; your vision is 55276 machines for making more machines. 55277 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 55278 % 55279 You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 55280 % 55281 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 55282 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 55283 55284 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 55285 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 55286 55287 When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 55288 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 55289 % 55290 You're all clear now, kid. 55291 Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 55292 -- Han Solo 55293 % 55294 You're almost as happy as you think you are. 55295 % 55296 You're already carrying the sphere! 55297 % 55298 You're always thinking you're gonna be 55299 the one that makes 'em act different. 55300 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 55301 % 55302 You're at the end of the road again. 55303 % 55304 You're at Witt's End. 55305 % 55306 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 55307 % 55308 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 55309 % 55310 You're definitely on their list. 55311 The question to ask next is what list it is. 55312 % 55313 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 55314 -- Eldridge Cleaver 55315 % 55316 You're growing out of some of your problems, 55317 but there are others that you're growing into. 55318 % 55319 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 55320 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." 55321 -- Swamp Thing 55322 % 55323 You're never too old to become younger. 55324 -- Mae West 55325 % 55326 You're not Dave. Who are you? 55327 % 55328 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 55329 -- Dean Martin 55330 % 55331 Your reasoning is excellent -- it's 55332 only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 55333 % 55334 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 55335 % 55336 You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 55337 % 55338 You're working under a slight handicap. 55339 You happen to be human. 55340 % 55341 Yours is not to reason why, 55342 Just to Sail Away. 55343 And when you find you have to throw 55344 Your Legacy away; 55345 Remember life as was it is, 55346 And is as it were; 55347 Chasing sounds across the galaxy 55348 'Till silence is but a blur. 55349 -- QYX. 55350 % 55351 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 55352 % 55353 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 55354 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 55355 -- Robert F. Kennedy 55356 % 55357 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 55358 % 55359 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 55360 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 55361 % 55362 Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 55363 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 55364 % 55365 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 55366 -- George Bernard Shaw 55367 % 55368 Youth is the trustee of posterity. 55369 % 55370 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 55371 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 55372 % 55373 You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 55374 -- Eugene Ionesco 55375 % 55376 You've been Berkeley'ed! 55377 % 55378 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 55379 % 55380 You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 55381 and now you're telling me just to be myself? 55382 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 55383 % 55384 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 55385 % 55386 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 55387 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55388 % 55389 "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 55390 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55391 % 55392 "Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 55393 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55394 % 55395 "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 55396 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55397 % 55398 "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 55399 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55400 % 55401 "Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 55402 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55403 % 55404 "Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 55405 to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 55406 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55407 % 55408 YO-YO: 55409 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 55410 (see also Computer). 55411 % 55412 Zall's Laws: 55413 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 55414 will be wrong. 55415 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 55416 door you're on. 55417 % 55418 zeal, n: 55419 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 55420 % 55421 ZERO DEFECTS: 55422 The result of shutting down a production line. 55423 % 55424 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 55425 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 55426 % 55427 Zeus gave Leda the bird. 55428 % 55429 Zisla's Law: 55430 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 55431 % 55432 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 55433 since I first called my brother's father dad. 55434 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" 55435 % 55436 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 55437 People are always available for work in the past tense. 55438 % 55439 Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right. 55440 -- Henry Ford 55441 % 55442 The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. 55443 -- Henry Ford 55444 % 55445 Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason 55446 so few engage in it. 55447 -- Henry Ford 55448 % 55449 It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our 55450 banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would 55451 be a revolution before tomorrow morning. 55452 -- Henry Ford 55453 % 55454 A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. 55455 -- Henry Ford 55456 % 55457 We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to 55458 keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage. 55459 -- Henry Ford 55460 % 55461 If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. 55462 -- Henry Ford 55463 % 55464 A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he 55465 can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my 55466 emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them. 55467 -- Oscar Wilde 55468 % 55469
Indexes created Thu Apr 02 00:23:07 UTC 2026